HHFaith

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About HHFaith

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Boston
  • Loss Type
    Boyfriend/Partner
  • Angel Date
    January 1, 2017
  1. Francine, this is the first thing I read this morning. Just what I needed. Thank you again for your spiritual, inspiring posts. It's strange to me that since Pats death my faith is actually growing. I'm greatful for that. In the past I would have blamed this all on God and my anger would have taken over completely. I still have not "accepted" this situation but I do know and believe this is all part of the plan for my life. I don't like it one bit but I must keep the faith that my future will be good and I can have a good life again.....somehow....someday.
  2. Ruthanne, There is a woman in my grief group that lost her teenage son several years ago. She recently lost her husband. She said it was worse losing her husband than losing her son. When she first said that I didn't understand. I thought, for me, the only thing that could possibly be any worse than losing Pat would be if anything ever happened to my daughter. She went on to explain that as horrific as it was to lose her son, she had her husband to help her get through it. Now with the loss of her husband she feels more alone since he's not here to help her. That I can understand. The person we are closest to and rely on is no longer here. Stay strong. You are not alone.
  3. You both are reminding me that I have not had my hair cut since before Pat died. I should make an appointment soon. I'm sure it would give me a little boost. Thanks for the reminder!
  4. Wow, I can relate to that. I never took Pat himself for granted and I often told him how much a appreciated him. But I guess I took for granted that it would last "forever" - whatever that means. I also didn't imagine it would end. Especially this way. I guess I took all the little things for granted, but all those little things were really big things when I look back on them now. When I see couples now out in the real world bickering about something stupid, I just want to go up to them and tell them to knock it off. One of you might not be here tomorrow!! I don't know what's worse, seeing happy couples out in the world or unhappy couples. I miss everything about him so much.
  5. Thanks so much KMB. I know its just another phase to get through but I don't like it! Yes I'm really not mad at Pat, though for the past several days I couldn't even bring myself to look at all the pics of him and us I have all over the house. Just mad at life I guess. This too shall pass...... and thanks for the much needed hugs!
  6. I think I've been avoiding this forum for a little while as I think I've hit a new 'stage'......anger! And indifference. People had been asking me if I had felt angry yet? At Pat, at the hospital, at God, etc. I honestly had not, up until last week. I don't know what happened, but I've been in such a mood. I have never used the F-word so much in my entire life, combined! I have lost the gratitude, and the (small amount) of hope. And I'm feeling like I'm losing my connection to Pat. I feel like that black hole is trying to pull me in. I so don't want to go there! The 'regular' grief is bad enough (sadness, missing him, crying, anxiety, etc.), but this anger is the worst. And I tend to direct my anger towards myself, which leads to so much negative thinking. I've read most of the posts I've missed over the past week and I do have to say that some of my hope is making its way back. Boy, just when you think you have somewhat of a handle on this stuff, something new pops up. It certainly is a never ending journey.
  7. Eagle, I just read your story. I am so sorry and I'm glad you shared with us on this forum. I can relate to much of your story. I lost my Pat suddenly and he also had a family history of heart disease. His mother died young, and his brother recently had a serious heart attack but survived. Pat was the one who did what he was supposed to - the gym, ate right, etc, etc, but the genetics could not be overcome. I was touched by your posting about "those 5 minutes". I understand, but I did not get the opportunity to "help" him during his last moments. We had just got home from the hospital. He had chest pains that morning and the plan at the first hospital was to keep him overnight, though the tests were coming back ok. But....there were no beds so he was transferred to another hospital. Another but.....they ended up discharging him at 1030pm, because the tests were looking ok!! I picked him up, brought him home, and debated whether to stay or go home. (We weren't living together and my daughter was home from college so I went home while he went upstairs. ) He never made it to bed, he died as I was pulling out of the driveway. I found him the next morning. Of course I went through all the scenarios, what if the first hospital had a bed, what if the 2nd hospital didn't discharge him, what if I had stayed!!! He still had his phone with him so it must have been so quick and so big that he couldn't even call 911. If I was there, I probably couldn't have saved him. I have come to peace with this. I truly feel that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. He did not want me to be there. He waited until I left. He did not want me to witness his death. He did not want me to be helpless. He wanted me to be the one to find him, nobody else. And your situation happened the way it was supposed to. You were meant to be with her so she would not be alone. Thank you again for sharing your story.
  8. Thinking of you ladies on your special days. I hope for peace and serenity for you both.
  9. Wilki, I also lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, suddenly to a heart attack on New Years. It's been a little over 4 months and I'm still crying every day. My advice to you is to reach out to anyone you can. Whether it be a counselor, grief groups, other types of support groups, family and friends. I really had to push myself to reach out, even if it was just to meet a friend for coffee. I needed to talk about it with anyone . I'm sure some of them are getting tired of listening to me but I NEED to get it out. Also cry whenever you feel you need to. Doesn't matter where you are or what people think. Just go with the "grief waves" when they come. Yes this is the hardest thing any of us has gone through but we are surviving and we will survive. And we will heal. The priority is taking good care of ourselves. It doesn't really get easier but it does get different. We will all make it somehow , doing the best we can.
  10. My new mantra these days is "Faith over Fear". I have a lot of fear about my unknown future but my faith must be bigger than my fear. Just wanted to share that with all if you.
  11. Beautiful post Francine. I relate to all of the feelings you expressed. Hang on to that gratitude. You and Charles were so lucky and blessed to have each other, just as Pat and I were. Our lives are better for having had them love us and us loving them. Yes, they are in our hearts and souls forever.
  12. I am also attending a grief support group run by a local VNA/hospice and it is great. The leader is a social worker. The attendees are both women and men. No pressure to talk if you're not ready. I have found it so helpful to be with others who understand and are going through the same feelings. Keep trying until you find something that you're comfortable with. Every little but helps
  13. Couldn't agree more with you both about the weather. Very gray, rainy and cold here too. And several more days coming with no sun. It is definitely affecting me more now. I really crave the sun and blue skies now. I did get out to dinner with a friend tonight which was a great distraction but feeling the loneliness now that I'm home. As KMB said, I also wish it had been dinner with Pat. And as Andy said, this journey really does feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone. It's still all so surreal. Trying hard to learn how to get used to this new life and how to live a good life while missing him every day. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Good luck with the weekend everyone!
  14. I was interviewing when Pat died. That went on hold for a while, but I started up soon after. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that I wasn't working when this happened. I don't know how people go back to work after a tragedy like this. I don't even remember those first 2 months - I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus or concentrate on anything. How would I have been able to focus on something for 8 hours at a time?? Impossible! Now that my focus is coming back (a little bit, anyway), I feel for the first time that I can go back to work and am actually looking forward to a "normal" routine, not to mention a paycheck! I actually just came home from another interview at the place that is my first choice. This is my 3rd meeting with them. Sounds very promising and hoping it all works out. But I must admit that even though I am somewhat nervous about starting a new job and getting back to the real world, I also am feeling like I have something to look forward to - a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning. How have others dealt with going back to work??
  15. Sue, I get it. The amount of time does not matter, other than the fact there are more memories. But the depth of the pain and grief are no different. Pat and I were only together for a year and a half. we were not married either. But he was the one - the love of my life. We both waited so long to finally find each other. What a wonderful future we had planned. But he died unexpectedly instead. I've also noticed that people react differently knowing you weren't married or together that long. I hate it when the first question they ask is "how long were you together?" What the hell does that matter??!! They just don't get it. It doesn't make the pain any less.