HHFaith

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About HHFaith

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Boston
  • Loss Type
    Boyfriend/Partner
  • Angel Date
    January 1, 2017
  1. Pat and I didn't live together though we had talked about it and I'm sure that would have happened at some point. Yes we will always have our memories. Those will be with us wherever we are. They are with us wherever we are. I think it is up to us all to figure out how to go on living and have a different kind of relationship with our loved ones. What that means I don't really know yet but I'm trying. Even with all of this grief and the crap that goes along with it, I still have a glimmer of hope inside me that I will get through it somehow and my life will be ok. I know I will never experience the love, happiness and joy I had with Pat but I will be ok. Where there is faith there is always hope.
  2. Just want to share my favorite quote. Really helped me see losing Pat from a whole different perspective. "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, but then I realized you spent the rest of yours with me."
  3. SilimonsGirl,. I ask myself that same question. "How can a part of me be gone like that?" I truly felt that we were part of each other. Our souls or spirits were connected- something I had never experienced before. It took us both so long to finally find each other. We were both in our 50s. We had such a short time together but the connection was so intense, deep, and real. I feel that half of me went with him but also half of him stayed with me. That spiritual connection did not die when his physical body died. I'm even starting to believe and feel that the spiritual connection is getting stronger as time goes by. The pain, sadness and grief of missing him does not go away but there is a strange comfort in feeling that spiritual connection.
  4. I do the same thing while I'm driving. I look at every car that looks like his. I know it won't be him driving but something makes me look. This has been happening since the day he died. I came home last night from my trip to LA to see my daughter. It was an emotional roller coaster while I was out there but overall it was a nice change of scenery and was so good to get away from the cold weather and sit in the sunshine. The night before I left I had quite a "grief wave" in front of my daughter. I was getting anxious about going back home and I thought, "Pat should be meeting me at the airport". But it hit me hard knowing that I would not be going home to him. He would not be meeting me at the airport, ever. Now I'm home and back to my sad reality. I need to figure out what my next steps are. I don't have Pat here. I don't have a job here. My daughter is 3000 miles away. What's keeping me here? Maybe theres a reason I haven't gotten the jobs here I've been interviewing for. Maybe I am meant to make a move. I did make some connections out there through my professional association so we'll see. Like my good friend john said "listen to your heart and it will all fall into place". i miss him so much. How ironic...Pat would be the one I could talk to about big decisions like this and he's not here. Though I have been praying to him, asking for guidance. He would always say things I needed to hear. I hope I can still hear him somehow.
  5. Sharyn, KayC, Your posts are reminding me of the circumstances surrounding Pats death. New Years eve day he was having terrible chest pains and he was able to call 911 and get to the hospiital. I met him up there and spect the whole day with him in the hallway of the ED. They were very attentive and he was doing well. The plan was to keep him over night, maybe 2 nights. But this local hospital was full. They had 50 emergency patients waiting to be admitted and no beds. They ended up finding him a bed at a Boston hospital, coincidentally where I used to work, so he was transferred there that night. I went home to get some sleep and I'd meet him up there in the morning. So...I was home and at about 10:15pm he calls me and says they're discharging him home! What??!! He also had a family history of heart disease. His mother died young suddenly, and his brother had a massive heart attack just before christmas but survived. Anyway, I got dressed, drove in and picked him up. We got to his house at 2 minutes before midnight, gave each other a New Years eve kiss. I went home because my daughter was home from college. Plan was for me to go back to his house in the morning and just hang out and relax for the day. I left shortly after midnight. He died shortly after I left. I found him when I came back the next morning. In the bathroom he didn't even make it to bed he had his cell phone and wallet still with him It must have happened so quick and so big that he didn't get the chance to call 911 this time The Boston hospital should not have discharged him but the cardiologist "felt comfortable discharging him home" because his labs were looking good Since I used to work there I was able to talk to some people who did look into it But I am not pursuing anything I can't because I'm "just" the girlfriend His 5 siblings are his next of kin and he (or I) were not close to them at all Too much dysfunction so he stayed away from them But that's a story for another day! I wish you good luck and strength in your pursuits
  6. Andy, we're all here listening and relating. Just go with the flow. Feel the pain and cry as long as you have to. I think today I'm doing a little bit of stuffing my feelings . I don't want to do that, I know it's not healthy. I know I need to keep feeling the feelings, no matter how painful. But sometimes I can't face them. Missing them hurts so much. It is unbearable at times, but it will change and hopefully not be so gut wrenching. We will all learn to live a good life without them and we will learn how to live while missing them. Good night and good sleep to us all.
  7. I'm starting to feel that way too. He is here with me , wherever I go. Just before leaving for LA to visit my daughter, someone said to me "leave Pat here". I said "no way, he's coming with me!" I've done a lot of sitting on the beach and talking to him and crying. Asking him and God for guidance on what the next steps are for my new/changed life. I do feel his presence at times. I talk to him out loud all the time. My daughter thinks I'm crazy!!
  8. Numb and lost - There is no textbook timeframe for our grief. I'm surprised a counselor said that about the six months Im at the 2 and a half month mark and I can't imagine feeling much better at 6 months I can't imagine being without him for 6 months Scary thought. I don't want to think that far ahead. Yes, mornings are rough. That's when I do most of my crying. If not when I first wake up, then it hits me in the shower. But today I had a huge trigger. Went for a long walk and stopped at a coffee shop for a frozen drink. A little treat to make me feel better. I sat there and watched all the people coming and going. Then noticed a couple in line and they gave each other a quick little kiss. That did it. The tears just came. I couldn't control it. It reminded me of how happy Pat and I were together doing anything, even waiting in line. We would often give each other little kisses like that. Will I ever be able to be "normal" out in the real world????
  9. Yes, the "nevers" are unbearable. But one thing that shifted in my mind just last week (I had a very spiritual thing happen) is that even though I no longer have a relationship with the human/physical Pat, I truly feel a deeper spiritual connection to him. Hard to explain but I feel that we now have a different relationship. In a way I actually feel closer to him now, but on a different level. And I also feel that my love for him gets stronger as the days go by. Yes all the horrible pain is still there but there is a kind of peacefulness knowing that this new kind of relationship is so deep and so strong. I truly feel that our souls or spirits are so deeply connected and forever.
  10. Andy. I can so relate. I had one of those days the other day. Was so down. Just lost and missing him so much. When I think of the future without Pat, the anxiety is the worst. Here I am on "vacation", visiting my daughter, and all I can think of is "oh I should send that picture to Pat". Or "oh I should text/call Pat to tell him what just happened". But I cant . The only advice I have right now for you, for me, and for all of us is to just take it minute by minute. Don't think about tomorrow or even worse next week or next year. I hope your daughter is like mine- listening to me talk about Pat way more than i should. I often feel I'm putting too much on her but she had been so great. Hang on. Tomorrow's another day. Here's praying things will be just a little lighter then.
  11. It's St Patricks Day and my thoughts are all about my beloved Patrick. Yes, he was an Irish Bostonian! Missing him more every day. I'm away visiting my daughter in Santa Monica, doing a lot of walking, sitting on the beach, crying, and hopefully some healing. I wanted to send some peace and serenity to all of you on this forum in the form of this picture. Let's all take a deep breath and hope for at least a moment of peace.
  12. I can relate to the time thing. I am afraid that as more time goes by, my memories will fade, and all I have now is memories. I have pictures all over the place, and I look at them all the time. I only wish I took more pictures! I'm having a bit of a crying spell right now. I'm just drained. I was in the process of searching for a job and interviewing when Pat passed away. So that was put on hold for a while but now I'm interviewing again. So hard. I try not to cry on the mornings I have an interview so I'll look halfway presentable, without the constant puffy eyes. I suck it up and get through the interviews, somehow. But it's exhausting putting on such a front. With friends, and even not-so-close acquaintances, when they ask how I am, I don't say "fine", I tell them I'm doing "crappy", because I am. It's only been a couple of months but the reality has still not set in. The last few days I have found myself walking around my house, saying out loud, "Pat died, Pat is dead, the love of my life is never coming back." I think maybe if I keep saying it out loud it will eventually sink in to my brain. Every time I look at a picture I just can't believe I will never see him again. When does the reality set in? Not sure I want it to, but I know it has to at some point. Also, I'm feeling like my "crashes" are deeper lately. Meaning that if I'm having a moment of "normalcy", the next minute I crash even lower than before. I feel sadder and more lost. This is such a roller coaster, and the hills are getting higher and steeper every day. I just miss him so much, every minute of every day.
  13. I have started to believe in 'signs' and answers to prayers. Numb and Lost - your story about the song reminded me of the sign I got when I was at my absolute lowest point since losing my beloved Pat. It was the worst day I had experienced so far. I felt like what we had wasn't real, like it was all made up in my mind. All day I was praying/asking Pat to please just show me one little sign to show he cared about me. I must have asked this 100 times that day. Then that night I got a call from a friend of his from jr high/high school, whom I had only met a couple times last summer by coincidence, not even through Pat. She asked if she could give my phone number to an old friend of Pat's who was at the wake and funeral. I had heard of this person but never met her (except at the wake, but I was so out of it I didn't really remember her). She said her heart was broken for me and she just wanted to get in touch with me to "tell me how much Pat cared about me". The exact words I had been praying for all day! She called me that night and we had the nicest conversation. We even met for brunch a couple weeks later. I told her the story of my day and what I had been praying for. She immediately said, "you know that this was all arranged by Pat and he just put us together". I do believe that. He helped me at my lowest point. I have had a few more experiences which I believe are little signs, but this one was a biggie! It doesn't bring our loved one back, but it does help to reinforce the feelings and know that somewhere, somehow, they are still looking out for us.
  14. Well, today is the 2 month mark for me. It's funny, I don't even remember the one month mark. It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time seems like this happened a lifetime ago. I don't think the full reality has set in. The last few days I have just felt totally lost. That's the only word to describe it. I did some errands yesterday and found myself just walking around feeling "lost". I got some things done but felt like it was someone else doing the errands, and I was just watching. I still go between numbness one minute to crying uncontrollably the next minute. I'm so physically drained and getting lots of headaches. Trying my best to take care of myself but it's not easy. My daughter has been my salvation. I will be visiting her out in LA in a couple of weeks. It is the first thing I have looked forward to. Looking forward to seeing her and to some warm sunshine. I hope for some more healing while I'm there so I can at least start thinking about getting my life somewhat back on track when I return. I wish I could say that things are getting easier, but they are not. I don't know if they are worse, but just different, just another phase in this seemingly never-ending journey. I wish for peace, strength, and hope for us all.
  15. I too feel the pain each morning after waking up to the reality. I don't know how anyone survives this grief either, but we do. I cry whenever I feel I need to, which is very, very often. Don't really care any more where I am or who sees me crying. I know I have to "go with the flow" when the grief comes. They say this is part of the healing. Just do what you feel you need to do, and take as long as you need. I know I'm in for a long road ahead of me, but I will survive. I have no choice! I want to live the rest of my life the best I can. Not just for me, but also for him. He gave me so much and to honor him, I feel that I must continue to live a full life and be happy again some day. He will always be with me, but in a different way. God, I wish he could be back here with me and things could be the way they were, but I know that is not going to happen. So, I am left to try and figure out how to live without him, or how to live with him in a different way. This is so new and confusing. I don't like it but it has happened and I need to deal with it, somehow. The support we receive here is wonderful. Keep sharing everyone, and I wish you all a good night's sleep!