Herc

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About Herc

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Maryland
  • Interests
    Football, computer games, making hot sauce, chess
  • Loss Type
    Wife
  • Angel Date
    12/25/2016

Recent Profile Visitors

252 profile views
  1. Best thoughts and wishes to you KayC
  2. I'm at the gravesite now. I cleaned up around it some. There was an entire flock of geese here when I arrived. I moved a few rocks that rain must have exposed and fixed a little battery powered charm that I think one of her sisters must have left. Digging in the red clay stained my fingers an orangish color and looking at them the thought that I could dig her up to hug her one more time flashed through my head. The tears are slowly washing the orange from my fingers. My daughter screamed at me on the phone this morning. She had lost her wallet and I was trying to be supportive. She told me she hated the way that I talked to her, that I was condescending and treated her like a child. The anger is still at the forefront for me today, so I had a momentary flash of wanting to scream back, but reigned it in. I don't know how I finished the conversation, probably not well, I think I forgot to tell her I love her. Anyway, so I wouldn't take the anger out on her I came here to sit and let the anger take me for a while where I can't push it onto something else. Another rough day, but it will pass. Thanks for being there to vent to and for the support. I hope we all get what we deserve in this life or the next although right now I don't see how. Peace and comfort to us all, Herc
  3. Pokey is doing well, but today I am not. Today at 9:00 PM will be three months from the last time I heard her say she loves me. At 12:53 AM tonight/tomorrow morning it will be three months from the time on the death certificate. I have a lot of displaced anger today. I am snapping at coworkers, and being short with customers. Every instinct in my body is screaming at me to hit something, and keep hitting it until my fists are bloodied and broken. It's the first time I have really had the illogical rage that I suffered during other losses. I am intentionally stopping myself when I can. Slowing down, counting to ten, taking deep breaths. Working my way through it one minute, one emotion at a time. Unfortunately with my job I don't always have the time to center myself. And as bad as this is, I know it will be worse tonight. When I am alone, and don't have the distractions. When I can let the feelings truly flow. No drinking for me tonight. I don't do angry drunk, it isn't much fun, and the police have had to tell me it is a bad idea in the past. I hope the anger blends with some other thoughts, depression would be welcome right now. I've been reading a lot here lately, but not posting nearly as much. I wonder if that has changed the way the grief is affecting me and which emotions are coming to the surface. I decided I better get on here and get some of these thoughts out. I also thought I should write down that I need remember the anger is a result of my grief and to not lash out at those around me. Writing it down always helps me keep my focus. Wishing everyone more peace than I am finding today, Herc
  4. Andy, I'm so sorry. I don't have anything to help right now, but I am here, listening, and hoping you find some peace. One moment at a time my friend, Herc
  5. Bobbers, You are absolutely correct, none of it is fair. It does seem impossible. The world isn't conspiring against us, but it sure does seem to treat us particularly cruelly on occasion. Just breathe, and take it one moment at a time. Don't think about the future for right now, just focus on now and getting through the next small step. I am so sorry you are facing this, and hope you find some moments of calm in the midst of the storm, Herc
  6. Mrsviden, I know exactly what you mean. I have always been am amazingly self confident person, some people might have said egotistical. I found myself floundering, and still do on occasion, with self doubt. I have to remind myself, we are doing everything we can, and there is no right or wrong thing to do, only what we can to keep going through this. If our loved ones were here they would not only forgive us, but marvel at the strength with which we are facing this. They would comfort us and feel pride in how brave we have been through it all. If you doubt that, just imagine how you would feel towards him if you saw him going through what you are right now. Thank you, and I hope you are doing as well as possible too, Herc
  7. Solomon's Girl, Absolutely. Only you can define what your relationship truly was and is. A piece of paper is just that, it can't define who we are or what we feel. There are married couples who hate one another, and first dates that know immediately they would do anything to support the other. Time, and the perception others have of our relationships cannot tell us what our hearts felt and indeed still feel. The piece of paper is nothing more than a legal status. The other day Fzald said there was no title for him, we are widows and widowers, but because he lost his girlfriend there was no word for him. I looked up the word bereaved for him, and I think that applies to all of us far more than any of the legal terms. We are bereaved, all of us. The term doesn't apply labels or discriminate with what kind of loss affects us. It is simply to "be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death". Everyone of us feels intensely deprived of a loved one. I don't know any group of people experiencing more of a profound absence. While it does mean that the term could be applied to a child who lost a pet, which at first glance may seem small in comparison, in truth it is only a difference in the depth of the deprivation and how profound the absence is. I for one am much more comfortable with the term bereaved for myself than widower. Widower, or widow, changes. If you remarry you are no longer them, as though anything in the future could change what my relationship with Christine was and is. I can't imagine dating, or remarrying at this point, but who knows what the future holds. I do know I will always be bereaved, and though I wish none of us had to share the title, I cannot imagine a better group of people to be included among. Knowing no label can encompass our loss, but hoping you find comfort and peace wherever you can, Herc
  8. The dates are the absolute hardest part of this for me, or at least have been so far. I have no plan to get through them. The 3 month anniversary of her passing is coming up on Thursday, and her birthday is April 3rd, so I am in for a rough couple of weeks. Our anniversary isn't until September, so I have plenty of time to think about that one. Going to the grave site on the "special" days is the only thing that even slightly eases the pain for me that I have found so far. The two month anniversary went the best of any of them. I spent two hours at her grave just reading to her and crying. I wrote a letter to her, and read that. I read a lot of the posts from here, both my own, and responses to them. It helped and the day went better than I had feared, but it was still brutal. Right now there are flowers and things from other people at the grave. That helps, but I know before long that will slow down and eventually stop. As it gets lonelier there, I worry about how that will affect me. At some point I know it will only be me, as it was in the hospital so many times. Those were dark, isolated days, even when I had her physically with me to ease the burden. Now I just don't know how I will get through some of them, but I will, and in the meantime I just can't worry about it, one moment at a time. For all the good moments I can find on the other days, the pain and the grief seem to intensify on those days. I hope you got through it as well as possible 4Hdad, I know mine will be ugly, Herc
  9. AJ75, I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband seems like a wonderful man, and looks like quite a character. I know your pain, the loss, the emptiness, the wanting nothing other than to be with them again. I am also sorry you are losing the home you had together. I am sure the loss of the items and memories you had together there will be as difficult as adjusting to a completely new lifestyle. My heart goes out to you, and I hope his family is at least discussing the situation with you to make it easier on everyone involved. Regarding your friend, I think it could be both that she wants to see progress for you and that she may be encountering issues with the situation. There are very rarely black and white issues, particularly when dealing with complex situations like grief, or living arrangements, it is usually a bit of both. it was very nice of her to offer you a place to stay, but with it being as sudden as it was, and with the emotional nature of everything right now, sh may not have fully processed what it would be like. Any new living situation involving roommates can be difficult. When you throw in the emotional nature of someone deep in grief it makes for a very volatile situation. The best thing is to be completely open and honest about what is going on with you and them. Don't forget the friends husband either, who may feel a bit trapped by the situation. It is possible that his wife made the offer and he agreed, but wasn't completely on board. These are friends, and it is good that they are there for you now when you need them, but it is also a giant lifestyle change for them that they may not have completely taken into account when they made the offer. Further in our grief it is difficult for us to truly understand the needs and wants of others. While we likely empathize more now than we used to on the big issues, we are so drowned in our grief that some of the smaller things may slip by us. I know at my work I have let a few things slide that I never would have missed before simply because they don't seem as important to me now. While friends should have patience with us during our grief, they frequently don't. Roommates usually have little things that drive one another crazy, leaving clothes in the washing machine, taking the last soda out of the fridge, etc. Your friends may be uncomfortable talking about these things knowing that you are grieving, and you may not pick up on them because your mind is understandably on other things. I don't know the specifics of your situation, and I could be completely off base here. Please take all of this with a massive grain of salt. Every situation is different, and I don't have any idea of the specifics of yours. What I do know for sure is that in any situation I ever had with roommates, communication was always a good thing. Express honestly how you are feeling, both regarding your grief, and the living situation. Encourage them to do the same, and try to listen and understand their point of view, which may be extremely difficult given the situation you are in. Hoping you find some comfort and what stability you can, Herc
  10. I have had an incredible number of coincidences. I am a skeptical person by nature. I do believe in an after life, and a divine being. But if I am going to attribute anything in our physical world to the supernatural, I want hard proof. All that having been said, the simple volume of things that have happened that are at least a little strange is pretty astounding. I have documented them elsewhere, but a quick list goes my vacation a week before she passed for the first time in over 20 years, multiple dreams, a specific shirt that brought me immense peace and comfort on the day of the first month anniversary of her passing, a nightgown showing up inexplicably where it almost couldn't be, her making her daughters graduation after talking about it for over 10 years, a flower that is still blooming in sub freezing temperatures, a ribbon from the flowers at ther grave that immediately calms the worst of my breakdowns, and others that I don't even recall at the moment. Most of these are easily explainable, but a few are real head scratchers like the flower and the nightgown. But the sheer volume of things I could interpret as signs is astounding. Perhaps that is just my mental state right now, and looking for signs has me finding them in situations and things that otherwise I would attribute to normal life. I can choose to view these events in any way I want. They are not concrete proof of the supernatural, and I understand completely how many people would view this as hopeful delusion on my part, but I choose to view them as signs. I was hesitant with that at first, worried that I might base some of my progress in my grief process on something I would later dismiss, and set myself back. If that happens, so be it, but I view these as solid signs from my wife indicating that there is an afterlife, that she is happy in that place, and that indeed our thoughts and who we are survive our physical passing. I am not basing my healing or progress on these signs, for the reason already mentioned. But the simple peace the thought brings puts me in a better place to think about my grief process, and put in the work and effort to have it progress. I think it is up to each individual to determine for themselves what they think of the things they see. As with most things in grief, and indeed life, there are few hard and fast answers. I would simply say that we should all realize the possibility of there being something more, and perhaps allow ourselves a little faith without proof even if that isn't normally our way. After all, I think we can all use any help we can get at this point, Herc
  11. Mrsviden, I am sure you are not a bad wife. If he is watching, which I believe he is, I am sure he does not feel you are a bad wife. I don't think he would want you to cry 24/7. I would bet he never wanted you to cry before, and as a result, I don't see why he would want you to cry now. He may be sending you signs, but you may not be able to recognize them right now. I know I have had moments of grief so intense I couldn't remember which exit I needed to take to get home, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that I had missed some obvious signs in those first few weeks. There were moments where I ran out of energy to cry. I felt the loss, and the grief, but i had cried so much that I simply couldn't do it anymore. And then it would pick back up later. It is also possible that you are still coming in and out of shock. The primary thing though is to know you are not doing anything wrong. You have not done anything wrong. You are not to blame for this situation. You are a wonderful person, going through an unthinkably horrible experience. Our grief will lead us all through this miserable place, and no one grieves "incorrectly". Just breathe, take it one moment at a time, and be as kind to yourself as possible. Grief is an absolutely terrifying thing in my experience, but our minds will protect us from it to a certain degree, giving it out in doses we can handle. If you aren't crying when you feel you should be, perhaps your mind is giving you a momentary break to allow you to absorb and process the previous grief. Hoping you find some comfort, Herc
  12. Tineke, I am only a little under 3 months into my grieving process, so I won't be able to tell you anything about how I will feel at 9 months. I am currently doing ok. I am very sad, and have frequent breakdowns. If I had to guess I would say about once to twice a day on the average, for about 10 to 30 minutes, and each time I am inconsolable until it passes. I think of her every minute of the day, which I hope continues. I never want to forget her, or even get to a point where I don't think about her very often, if not all the time. What I want is to get to a point where those memories are happy more often than sad. where the knowledge of our relationship and the love we shared is a source of strength for me. I have those positive moments now, and they are becoming more frequent. I doubt they will ever be exclusively good emotions, the loss will lurk, waiting for me always. And I am ok with that too. We have all suffered a horrible loss, and while I can see the good that came from my relationship, it is also perfectly reasonable and understandable that I will always miss what I once had. I am progressing everyday to a point where my grief is not all consuming. I can experience other things, and while the grief is still present, it doesn't overwhelm the other feelings I have. I could try to move past the grief, but in reality I don't want to. For me, moving past the grief would be like denying the love I had, and I never want to do that. I can however put the grief in the appropriate place, beside the love I still feel so deeply for my wife. The grief is powerful, but compared to that love, it is minor. The grief is the result of how powerful our relationship was and indeed still is, and as a result it is only a part of what I now have. In time will be the smaller part as the realization of how unique and special our love truly was and is continues to come back to me. There are also new emotions, very rare at this point because I am so engulfed by the loss, which is still very fresh for me. But they are there. Moments of new happiness, sorrow, and even occasionally hope. As I continue down this path, more of those emotions will occur, and they will likely become more frequent and vibrant. These new emotions are not an insult to my relationship, they are not a replacement for it. They are a continuation of it. These feelings are what my relationship brought to me and my wife, and while she is no longer here to share in them, in many ways that makes it even more important for me to grasp them firmly for both of us. So that is where I am, an occasionally happy basket case that cries when the wind changes direction and has become comfortable with that. Now let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Steve sounds like a wonderful man and husband. I know how empty our lives often feel without them, and wish you didn't have to experience this pain that we all share. It sounds like you have a good support network in place, and I am sure your counselor is helping. I am also sure Steve would be proud of you for making it through this difficult time, and I think he is proud of you, as I believe they watch over us though I have no proof of that. Please come and post here if you want to, we are all strengthened by one another. Hoping you find peace and comfort, Herc
  13. MrsTurner41, I am so sorry for you and your children's loss. He passed far too young, and the sudden nature of it must have you in deep shock. I can't tell you it gets better, but it does change. The dazed confusion you are probably feeling right now will slowly wear off. I still think about my wife every minute of the day. She passed at Christmas, so I am about three months into my grief right now. I don't know if I will ever stop thinking of her as often as I do, but I can say the way I was thinking has changed. There is still deep pain, but there are also good memories now, those do eventually come back. I don't know if anyone can "guide" any of us through this. Grief is unique to each of us, and what holds true for one person may not hold true for others. There are many kind, considerate, and caring people here that will understand much of what you are going through and will share their experiences with you though. At least for me that has helped tremendously. For right now, please try to take care of yourself. Just breathe and take one moment at a time. Drink plenty of water, eat when you can, sleep if you can, and try to get at least a little exercise. All of that will help with the shock, and put you in the best physical and mental state possible to deal with your grief. Please come here and post if you want. I am once again so sorry you had reason to find this site, but I hope it gives you some peace and comfort, Herc
  14. Sadaf, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I started to write a long post, but I don't think it would help. Instead I just want to tell you I see your pain, I wish I could do something to comfort you, and that I would give you a big hug if I could, (((hug))) Herc
  15. Sadaf, I am doing as well as I can. Up and down moments within every day. I'm coming up on the three month mark later this week, it will be rough, but I now know I can manage it. My grief grows deeper every day, but so does my understanding of it. I have had some very good moments, memories that are precious to me that make me cry, but also warm my heart. New experiences that while I wish she were here to share with me have been good in their own right. I have started keeping a dream log, which helps. The dreams have gone from nightmares to beautiful moments. In a recent one I went running with Christine, something she was never physically able to do while we were together. We laughed, and she caught me buying flowers for her. It isn't the same as what we had together of course, but it is nice. I don't know if they are visitations, but if they are she is very happy, and either way it brings me peace. I am growing as a person. Learning more about myself, and those around me. Caring for them in ways I didn't before, and letting that improve me. Christine would be happy to see me growing like this, and I hope that I get to share it with her in the afterlife. If not, I still will do it, that is what she would want, and what is best for me. The low moments still occur every day. I cry for no reason, the beauty of the sunrise, a song on the radio, or just because I remembered a new moment of our life together that I hadn't thought of since she passed. I feel crushingly alone, and think that my existence is pointless without being able to share it with her often. I have to simply take my time and work through those moments and then pick myself back up and move on the way I know I should. I don't know if we will ever heal from this. The scars will always be there certainly, and I think we will always be just one moment away from being back in the pain of it all. But at least for me time has allowed me to have moments where there are things in addition to the grief. I hope that continues for me, and I hope you will find the same when you can. I am now on day 84 of telling her I love her, and having to say "I know you love me to" instead of hearing her respond. There will be many more days of this, some of them good, and some of them bad, but the fact that I truly know she does love me too will never change. Wishing you peace and comfort, and always here to listen if you want to talk, Herc