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About MamaDukes

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Toronto Canada
  • Loss Type
    Loss of an adult son
  • Angel Date
    May 13, 2016


  • First Name
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    In a couple of weeks it will be one year since my son was murdered. He was killed trying to intervene to protect his friend. I had never been to were it happened and recently found myself in the area so I googled it and decided I would drive by. The bar in located in a plaza and so I parked a few feet away, While I was parked I started to picture that night, and what in my mind may have taken place, running different scenarios through my mind. I wondered where he was when it all went down, where on the ground he may have laid awaiting the ambulance. Many thoughts, pictures, and feelings rushed through my mind, and then, I wondered how he felt. Did he know he was shot, and the thoughts that may have had, and how it may have felt. Did he know he wouldn't survive, that his minutes here were numbered? Was there anyone to hold him and comfort him, to hold his hand, to talk to him. It must have been so loud and crazy. My brain was bombarded, and heart was in pain, so I closed my eyes and sat for a while in quiet. It was hard just being there, knowing this was where it all went down, and it was all so senseless. I didn't know how I was going to react, but I wanted to see it for myself, and I didn't want my girls being with me when I went. I think it hurts more now than a year ago. I think because it's had time to really marinate, and the reality that he is actually no longer here in the physical.
  2. Quiet times can be challenging

    I'm so happy to hear you're learning to play, I'm sure he's right by you laughing away (that's what my son would have done). That's awesome! Music is very healing for me, you can get lost in it, riding the waves high and low, but always comforted. Devianz, I love your quote.
  3. How do you live after losing your child

    Thank you Tommy's mum. It seems we do have a lot in common, which is unfortunate for both in some ways, but in others - we both had beautiful sons whom we loved, and loved us in return. I didn't not get an opportunity to see him in the hospital. They said I could not see him until after the coroner had examined the body. I continue to journal privately, and I do still keep a lot in my head that I don't want others to ever hear, and I blog about others. I'm wishing us all peace and joy as we travel this life changing journey.
  4. I still call your phone

    Thank you Louie Louie, Devuabz, and Numb and Lost. It's been a while since I have been here and I appreciate your replies. I'm still here chugging through day by day. It's coming up on 11 months on the 13th, and time seems to have stood still in many ways and flown bye in others. Recently my cell phone fell and had a hairline crack and the bottom 1/3 doesn't work so I was unable to unlock it to do anything, what a panic, omg, it was 3 in the morning, my girls are asleep, I'm in a panic all I can do is think of all the pictures on my phone and the last one I took of my son. My brain didn't think to remember that I had already downloaded the pics to my pc... what a panic. I've looked at his number on my phone, and I still want to call it, but I'm afraid someone else will answer and it won't be him. Then I will know for certain that it's been reassigned, and I don't want to hear that right now. So for now I push the call button, and hang up before it dials.
  5. How do you live after losing your child

    Hi Lauraliz, I too am sorry for your loss. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, she has a glow that must come from the inside out. My son was killed trying to intervene and help a friend in an argument. My son's heart stopped while in the ambulance on route to the hospital. They worked on him for another hour but was never able to be stabilized and died. We often think of what we should have or could have done, but I know there are no answers, and none of us had prior knowledge of the future. My son was my first born, and I have 2 other daughters. I had to be strong for everyone else in the beginning because I knew I could for a while, but after 4 months I took a leave, and have been doing things like walking in nature (although its winter here now), meditating, but I've been writing mostly. For me journaling my thoughts and experiences have helped. I don't think we ever really get over our loss, but I know we learn to cope daily. Some days feel unbearable like it will never end, but other days I'm encouraged. My son would have been 25 in November, but instead we observed the 6th month anniversary of his death. Every morning when I wake, I say a prayer for everyone, and one for myself - that I may be given the strength to do all I need to do today. Be gentle with yourself, I know you will find your way, may we all find our way though.
  6. I still call your phone

    It's a difficult choice either way I think. I've been to funerals before, but I never looked at a deceased body until it was my son. I decided not to see him until the viewing, I didn't want to see all that was done to him. I don't think there can ever really be a right or wrong decision, I think whatever decision we make, we just have to deal with it with no regrets, that's what we needed at that moment. You couldn't foresee the outcome. If you didn't make the choice you would always question and want to know what happened. I hope you find a way to make peace with whatever happened.
  7. While my children were growing I always had some type of music playing in our home. I’ve always enjoyed a wide range of music anything from hip hop, soul, jazz, to classical, rock, and country. As a result my children have a love for music, and somewhat similar to mine, but with their own twist. My son would mostly listen to hip hop and rap and would have music playing on several different levels of our home at the same time, which at times use to drive me crazy, even when he went in the shower he had music playing. There were times I would be singing along with his music, then I’d catch myself and wonder how the heck do I even know this music, then shaking my head and laughing, thinking, “oh my goodness – what is this child doing to me”. It’s funny how something that use to drive us crazy turns out to be the same thing we miss. At times there’s a silence in my home now, and I miss the “noise”, and that’s one of the reasons I know he’s gone. I often image him here, and what he’d be doing, and the conversations we’d be having. He loved me, and valued my opinion, and we would often have conversations about our lives as well as what was going on in the world. At times he would act like he had things all worked out, but he would always come to me for a second opinion. We shared a lot, and I miss that, no matter how crazy or silly, they were moments where it was just me - his mom, and he was my baby boy. A lot has changed, but we’re still creating memories, just in a different way. He now has a court side seat, with no obstructions, and I know he’s always riding shotgun, today and always.
  8. I still call your phone

    Losing a child is something no parent should ever have to consider, but unfortunately it is all too often a reality. You are so right, it does come in waves, sometimes a tsunami just out of nowhere. How have you been
  9. I lost my son tragically 8 months ago, and as a result I have been journaling about my thoughts and feelings as a way to get things out and work things out, as a sort of therapy. I later decided to start a blog of some of my experiences and feelings in hopes to start a dialogue with others. I don't want my son's life to just disappear like he never existed, and I wanted this to be an avenue for him to live on. As a result of this, and the feedback that I have received from other people who have read my blog, I want to offer other parents who have lost a child the opportunity to share their stories. I have added a page for Guest Posts, which will be dedicated to just that, parents talking and sharing their experiences as only they can, and highlighting their child. I know that when I have the opportunity to talk with others about our children it brings comfort, and I hope this will help me and others get through our day to day experiences. Please visit my blog and read some of my posts, and if you are interested please submit your story, pictures, and/or questions to twenty4kay@hotmail.com If the link doesn't work, please cut and past this address into your search bar http://www.24kay.ca Submit a Story You must be the original author of this piece Please include a photo of your child with your post (optional) Include a brief bio (1-4 sentences) including your first name and location Send all stories or questions to twenty4kay@hotmail.com Please note that I may edit stories for length, clarity and editorial guidelines. For example, this might mean your title will be changed or certain language will be removed.
  10. I still call your phone

    I also think the sudden loss is worse, but I don't know if it can really be measured. There is no chance to say bye, or make amends if there was a problem. As a mother you think you will for sure outlive your children, it feels so un-natural in the reverse. I agree with the timeline, others expect like on day you will return to that person they new before your loss - but we will never be that same person again, and this is our new normal.
  11. I still call your phone

    My son was 24, his 25th birthday was in November. He was my oldest, and I have 2 younger daughters. It's only been 8 months and each day there are new challenges. I'm a strong person but this has tested me. Taking dirt may seem strange to others, but honestly, if it makes you feel comforted I say you do it. It harms no one. I wear his hoodies, one i keep in my room, I won't wash it because it smells like him. I started journalling about my feeling and experiences to get the emotions out I find that helpful, and I started my own blog about it. What do you do to deal with the emotions?
  12. I still call your phone

    Thank you. Yes, I don't know why we do it, but I guess part of me hopes that one day he will answer. In truth if that ever happened I'd probably faint. We do what brings us comfort I guess. Peace and Love
  13. I finally cancelled your cell phone contract after five weeks. I called your number everyday for the first two weeks straight, still hoping that one day you would answer, and I would be awoken from this nightmare. Once again today, like so many other days, when going to make a call from my contact list there's your face. The picture I took of you the day we went to get you a cell phone. I asked you to smile for me, and instead you made this face lol. I'm sure I will continue to try calling you, who knows, maybe one day you will pick up.