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Auntie Ruby

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About Auntie Ruby

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    Dad 2008; Nephew 2017

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  1. My first born nephew was killed in a vehicle accident, mid January. The initial trauma is over... the funeral is over... I don't know how to "be" around my sister. I have to disconnect my previous relationship with her as it no longer applies. She cannot function as a big protective sister to me... she is broken, her first born son is gone... 26 years after she painfully gave birth to that boy... He is gone. She is no longer the rock that she was. Every move triggers an alien response. In the almost 50 years of having her as my only sibling.. my only sister... I only saw her cry once... before January 14th. That was at my Dad's funeral. But she did not cry in my arms. We never cried together until that night that my nephew died. Now she cries at the slightest memory, the mention of his name, pictures... She is a flood gate of emotion. I feel like I have to redefine my role in her life and in the life of her family. I was at her house yesterday and I came out lost... lost as to what to do, what to say, where to stand, how to respond.... Any move I make or any word I say, can plummet me through the ice. There is no freedom to be... I am scared to be there. Scared I will make the wrong move, scared I will damage the situation more... I am a live canon during the best of times... now... We had a challenging relationship before. She was always more of a mom to me than a sister or a friend. Now... I don't know how to start a friendship because we didn't have one in the first place. But I can't let myself disappear either. I don't know where to walk on this one. We made it through the first three weeks.... now???? Who knows????
  2. I can't cope

    "I'm not ready..." You are in great company here with people who aren't ready. I'm not ready to let my nephew go. But I have no choice. He's gone and I won't see him this side of eternity. You many not be ready for your mom to make the choices she wants to make... but the choice is not yours to make. Hang in there. Love your mom. Her getting married is not going to take you dad away from your heart and memories. Here's a suggestion... if you feel up to it. Have a talk with your dad. It is a good way to get feelings out. I talked to my dad often. It was nice to feel him close... Conversation does that. I have talked to my nephew too. I even went to a movie "with" him. It was one I knew he would like. We had the whole back row to ourselves. It really helps with the transition process to talk. It's not crazy... trust me... If anything, it keeps you from going crazy. You'll be okay... Ruby from Canada
  3. Lost my Dad December 2015

    You came to the right place Banjo. My mom and I are best friends... and we have shared some significant losses together in the past years. I lived with her 9 years ago when we walked Dad through his cancer. It took me a while to realize that thought we lost the same man, we lost different relationships. I lost my Dad but she lost her husband, her life long love, her partner in everything... for 43 1/2 years. I couldn't understand what she was going through at the time, because I was still single back then. We fared well together in light of all we had to go through. I found myself drawn to others in my grief who had lost their dad. I spent time with people who felt my pain, so I didn't need to rely on my mom for all of that. My mom knew what I was going through... she had lost her dad too. But I didn't understand her pain. So she connected with others who knew her pain, and I connected with people who helped me on my journey. When we got together, it was doing what we did best together... playing games . I helped her around the farm and with whatever else she needed. We spent time together and we were okay. You may need to withdraw your need to have a mom right now... and get that support from God and others. Then you can be there for your mom when and where she needs you. She may never ask you how you are doing. that is okay too. Spend time with her and meet her where she is at. Love her the best that you know how to do. This place is a good place to come to for healing as well. I have said this often... healing comes when you share your story and when you allow others to share their stories with you. Thank you for sharing your story. Ruby from Canada.
  4. I first wrote this poem in 2010. It paints the picture of the struggle I had to love my nephew in the limits I had. I told my mom this past week. "I'm just auntie" and she replied back. "You aren't just an auntie, you're THE auntie!" I added a new verse this morning. NOT MY SON March 9,2010 "Written for my nephew" Not my son Do I have the right to love you Like my son Not my son Though you're not my son, can I hold you like you are I was there when you were born I was there when you came home I was there to see the smile in your infant eyes As you grew, I came for birthdays Holidays and Sundays I was there to see you grow in heart and size But now you've put your toys away It's girls and sports, that's what you play Your world is changing day by day Not my son Do I have right to love you Like my son Not my son Though you're not my son, can I hold you like you are Not my son The road is stretching farther The lesson learned are harder The ones who call you son seem like light years away It feels like no one understands Like no one's there to lend a hand Not my son, can you turn your head my way But now you've put your toys away It's cars and work, that's what you play Your world is changing day by day Not my son Do I have right to love you Like my son Not my son Though you're not my son, can I hold you like you are I will always love you You're the son I never had Only God and your parents love you more ( new verse written January 31, 2017) Not my son, my heart’s on hold How do I love you, how do I let you go I cannot see nor feel the loss like the ones who call you son My world goes on without you but my heart still doesn’t know But now you put it all away In Paradise is where you play The world it changed that Saturday Not my Son Do I have the right to grieve for you Like my son Not my son If only in my dreams, can I hold you like you are
  5. New here

    Missed: Part of me feels like I understand some of your pain. It is why I am drawn to your story. I had a best friend for 27 years. She's not dead... at least I don't think so. She stopped talking to me two years ago. I guess it could be like I am dead to her. I am stuck at being sad that the relationship ended and angry because she ended it with no just cause. She is the one that pulled the plug and I didn't have much say in the matter. Come to think of it.. it was really dumb. And we aren't even children. She just passed her 50th birthday and I will pass mine next year. "I feel like I lose her every day" I think I get that. We live fifteen minutes apart. I drive through her town every day.. on the way to work and back. My friend didn't kill herself.. she just killed the relationship. So not the same thing... but I do understand missing someone and feeling like she is gone forever. I just wanted to let you know that. Like I said... different story... but feeling the pain of the loss too. I hope you find the peace to need... I still don't know if I have found the peace I need. Ruby from Canada
  6. New here

    I love your name... I think we all miss yesterday. When tragedy happens, the first thing we want to do is turn the clock back. I am not going to tell you that I understand your pain. I don't. I just understand loss... that is why we are all here. To some extent we all know loss. For some of us, panic attacks are part of the grief process. If you need to go there, please find a safe place. It may be the only way for you to vent your emotions. I know panic attacks. I had one when I got the news of my nephew's accident. I didn't try to hold my emotions in. I climbed on to our king size bed and started beating it... right in front of my husband and mother. In that moment all the anger came out. Grief needs an outlet. So please find a safe place and scream. What you are feeling matters and it needs to be felt. It is okay. And if someone in passing asks "How are you?"... punch them... (so not serious), but it is tempting. It is okay to be honest with people when that question comes up and you can't answer it. You don't have to go into details, you can ignore the question... I usually do on the best of days. How I am... in not the business of the Walmart Teller. That is all I can tell you right now. Be free to hurt... healing takes time. Be real whether people understand or not. Most know loss in life, but when someone else goes through it, they tend to forget what it is like. Also, one day you will need to let go of the need to understand all this. You many never understand it. I am asking you to allow yourself to feel your pain and walk through it... to find a safe place, because your friend didn't or couldn't... A life is taken because there is too much pain and no way to go through it back to life. ... and please take care of yourself. You are valuable, your are worth it!!!! Don't ever forget that!!! Ruby from Canada
  7. I can't cope

    Zu 8a Our stories are very different. I was 39 when my dad passed away and that was nine years ago yesterday. My mom had not intention of remarrying... I did ask her though. My mom's life was full already, but not every woman's life is full after their spouse passes. A good friend of our family passed away about two years after my dad passed away. He and his wife were good friends of my parents. He passed away from cancer, like my dad. His wife just remarried last year. I have to admit, I was taken back by her choice. I loved her husband and he was irreplaceable. I couldn't imagine her with someone else. She shared with me her reasons. She wanted companionship. She missed her husband dearly and no one could replace him. But she was lonely and longed for someone to fill that space. Her kids had moved on and her schedule wasn't as full as my Mom's was.. so she had the need to find someone to share her life with. I had to let her be free to go on her own journey and with whoever she needed to go along with. I hope you feel safe enough to have a conversation with your mom. Sounds like she may have a lot more life to live and it can be scary for her to go on her own. I don't know if this will help you, but you can go into the section on the forum "Loss of a partner". There are stories there by people who have lost their husbands. It might help you to understand your mom. I find it healing in my own life if I can seek to understand someone else's pain and grief journey. Maybe if you can't stop your mom from remarrying... maybe your next plan of attack is to get to know the guy that your mom has chosen. Is he nice? or is he a jerk? You will only know by spending time with him and getting to know him. Hang in there. Just know you are in a safe place to vent. It is healthy... Don't keep it in. Auntie Ruby from Canada
  8. Loss of my dad

    Susan: Thank you for sharing your story. I feel with you, your loss of your dad. Yesterday was 9 years since my dad passed away from stomach cancer. This website helped me share my story and reading others stories helped me get on the healing track. I came back to the forum yesterday to grieve for my nephew who just died two weeks ago in a vehicle accident... but that whole story has brought the emotions of losing dad back to the surface. So I can feel this pain with you. You are feeling alone and I get that. You are hear in the midst of people that have lost. Reading their stories will help you feel not so alone. I was 39 when my dad passed away. That is long enough to gather enough memories, but seems that his life was cut short too. Find a place where you can release you emotions. Maybe you still need to scream, cry, get angry... what ever it takes. find a safe place to vent. A friend of mine shared this with me when he walked me through my dad's passing. "The pain will go away, but the sadness will remain." The sharpness of the pain will ease in time. But the hole will not fill. No one can replace your dad... ever. People in your life will go on. Their sympathy was with you at the time of your loss, but the pain isn't there for them and they will forget that the pain still dwells with you. Its okay to be honest with your friends. Everyone has lost something at sometime. I think we just need a reminder when our pain gets old that someone's pain is still fresh. We need to talk about our dad's. I just got together on Thursday and visited with a couple that walked with me when my dad passed away. Both of them had lost their dads within the year before my dad passed. 9 years later we can still share our loss together. I hope you can find a sojourner on this road that can walk with you. Someone that knows your pain and understands... not just a sympathizer. That person will be there for you in five or ten years when you still want to talk. It took me a while to realize that my mom and I had different grief journeys to walk. We had lost the same person but a different relationship. She lost her husband and soulmate. I lost my dad. We needed different people to walk beside us that understood our journeys. But we often talk about dad when we are together. Together we keep him alive in our memories. If you need hugs... give them. Best way to get hugs. That person doesn't need to know why... hugs are healing. Auntie Ruby from Canada
  9. Thank you Uncle Debbie. I was told I couldn't compare the pain of losing Dad and losing my nephew. But when Dad died, I was immersed in the loss. I lived with my Mom and Dad at the time when he took ill with the Cancer and passed away two months after. I was more involved in the preparations and the details. Now I live an hour away with my husband and only see snippets of the hole that is left. Today I cleaned out a wall in my office and hung the pictures, memorials and cards. So I have a place to sit and process. To look at the evidence that that boy isn't going to come to my house anymore when I call him up. He came often to help out his Auntie Ruby.
  10. I am back nine years later to find a space to share my grief and sorrow once again. Nine years ago I lost my dad to cancer and came here to work through my loss. Two weeks ago, my first nephew (26 yrs old) was killed in a vehicle accident. I wrote this poem last week and have no one to share it with. That is right. When it was my dad, I felt like I was one of the closest ones that had lost. I felt like the whole world revolved around my pain. Now there are others in much worse pain than I am. My sister and her husband have lost a son, my younger nephew has lost his best friend, roommate, mentor and only big brother. The world does not revolve around my pain, and yet I have come here to find a place to share my grief with others who have come here to find a place as well. The poem sums up where I am, what I feel, who I've lost and why I need to be here. If you are someone who has lost someone so precious to you, but find yourself not able to cry or share your grief with your family, because you feel they are hurting much more than you. Then I am glad you have also found this place and these people to share your story with. I have already read some stories and find comfort in reading them. I have found healing in the past by listening to other people and their stories of loss. The Woman who loved him more By Auntie Ruby January 24, 2017 It was a dark time for both of us That hour we said goodbye The light within had vanished The day had turned to night We once shared everything Our parents, home, clothes and school She is my only sister And that’s what sisters do Then we grew up from girls to women And from each other moved away She got married and had a son And I came over to play I had no need of my own family I thought, “I’ll just have hers There was enough love I figured, for both of us I changed diapers, fed And taught him some We played, danced and cried together He even once called me ‘Mom’ When time came for me To go someplace new He asked with a sad heart If he could come too I moved along And left him behind With the woman who loved him More than I We wrote letters, we called And I came back when I could He came to visit When his parents would Over time he grew From a boy to a man Came back home, got a dog A girl and some land He didn’t forget me Or our love for each other He went out of his way Like he did for his mother He was taken from us In the blink of an eye Now we’re left behind To grieve and ask why He is gone and now There’s a massive abyss And I’m left to ask where My pain fits in all this I look at my sister For a map through this grief But she’s lost worse than I Beyond my belief So now I’m finding space Where I can heal Where I can cry and Where I can feel Then I’ll dry my tears To give her room to cry Because she’s the woman who loved him Much more than I
  11. I recently lost me nephew

    Wthh: Your post stuck out on my search. I lost my 26 yr old nephew to a tragic accident two weeks ago. I have one older sister and she has two sons. I don't have my own children. So I adopted her boys as my kids. But in reality.. they are hers. And now her first born son is gone. I, too, was at the hospital when my nephew was born. It was my first experience as an auntie and my parents brought me along. A dad and mom have lost their son, A brother has lost his only brother and best friend, one grandmother (his dad's mom) has lost a grandson only a year after loosing her daughter. My mom, the other grandmother only had two grandsons.. now she only has one. The family is a farming family, so they have no only lost a son, but their business partner and right hand man. Needless to say, there are a lot of hurting people and I know somewhere in the midst of them is Auntie Ruby. Maybe you feel something similar. Where do I go to hurt when there are parents, siblings and grandparents hurting so much too. Does their pain override my own? Where do I go to hurt. You have come here and that is good. I have come here and that is good. Together we share our stories and together we heal. That is what this website is about. Helping people heal. You are lost. I get that. I so get that. I had a lot riding on that nephew of mine and now I don't know what tomorrow holds. Now I am back to figuring out what today holds and leaving tomorrow where it is. I don't know if this feeling registers with you because I don't how how close you are in proximity to where you nephew lived. But have felt that in the last two weeks, I am on a movie set. I am a character in a script and there are moments when I am directed to cry, to grieve, to hug, to help out with funeral arrangements... the list goes on. But then I go back to my house and my job and nothing there has changed. I am off the set. I have moments like yesterday, when I went out to seem my family. I see the hole when I go to their farm. I see Dad working to move the canola with the youngest, not the oldest. I look around me and wonder when the director is going to call "Cut". We have similar losses, but different stories. I hope you feel okay to share more of your story and I can share more of mine. There is healing there. I have one question for you. Where do you see God in this story? Auntie Ruby (a sojourner on this journey)