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About Andy

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    My daughters wellbeing, my parents wellbeing, nearly anything geek, genre specific movies, hitting any backroad, photography, cars, and a bunch of other things my fantastic wife tolerated me doing.
  • Loss Type
    Wife passed away
  • Angel Date
    December 31, 2016


  • Occupation
    Aerospace related
  • First Name
  1. Nads, I'm so sorry for the experiences of late you've been enduring, simply horrible. It's always so shocking and sad to hear of a suicide, especially someone you know, even casually or briefly. I told my daughter, years ago, as she entered those middle-high school years, to always try and choose your words carefully when speaking to others. We really have no idea what someone on any particular day may be going through. What you say could make a significant impact, for better or worse, on someone's life. BE KIND. When in doubt, be kind. You, at that moment, might be the only person who shows anything resembling kindness or respect to an individual. I think it's all a window into just how much misery, pain, loneliness, hopelessness and sorrow there is, seems like more and more everyday. And I'm sorry about you're uncle, it's nice that you've gone to see him, I know he must appreciate your kindness. It's the little things that we appreciate the most and miss the most when they're gone. KayC, I'm glad you have support for your impending eye surgery. I'd be glad to take you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't make back in time for work, because I imagine you're over 15-18 hours away. :-) The difference between a thought and an action is everything I believe. Thoughts are exercises in frustration, academic considerations, fantasy, formations of inspiration, and so on, but action is very different. It's the expression of our thoughts. It's normal after suffering loss or severe trauma (not including psychological disorders) to consider or "flirt" with the idea of taking our life, but to carry it out is NOT normal. People will go to extraordinary lengths to preserve their life, that's normal, so getting to a point where it feels ok to actually end ones life, that's very different. How many times do we think about knocking a coworker about the head with a sturdy piece of hickory? A few times I imagine, but we don't go through with it. Those thoughts of self destruction should be confronted at all times, and I'd suggest (implore!) to anyone that they seek professional guidance if those thoughts persist. It is not the answer. Anyway, I'll hop off my high horse. Don't mean to "preach", but I've seen the destruction left in the wake of suicides, and it can destroy a family and plant seeds of future issues for those left to deal with this tragedy. Our adopted daughter has suffered FOUR suicides, all in her biological family, the first her father when she was 8, the last was 1 month ago, her maternal grandfather. It's horrific.
  2. Today's science fiction, tomorrow's reality. We've mapped the human genome, isolating specific genes that regulate aging is in fact a possibility, not in my lifetime perhaps, but one day aging will be FAR different than today. Cloning or growing organs from our own genetic material will also be a possibility. Too bad we or our loved ones won't benefit from these advances. I suppose it's no different than people 100 years ago not having the modem "miracle" of x-rays or CT scans. This permanence is so "massive" in its scope, it's implications. It's so bleak, we know there is nothing that will repair our lives, nothing will be the same. I'm sure, hoping maybe, that things will get easier, joy will creep back in, but this will always be with us. It is a true watershed event, life before, then life after. A defining moment in our lives that altered everything. Our outlook, our future, the way we interact with others, even the way others see us, how we think and consider, our decisions, feelings of life and death, our moods, even physically we may experience changes, and what makes it all worse is that it is literally impossible for anyone else, not in our world, to understand this. The isolation is horrible, the loneliness nearly unbearable, and we can't "fix" it. We bide our time, we wait for a change, we hope that we get better, but we know it's not too promising. KMB, here's to a better tomorrow and I hope you get to enjoy at least a tiny bit of it. Love and hugs Andy
  3. KayC, I can only hope that I have the strength and resolve you've found within yourself, through faith and determination. Whether you realize it or not, you are an inspiration to myself, and I'm safe in assuming, many others as well. Thank you for your continued insight and words of encouragement, they are appreciated and taken to heart. Andy
  4. KMB, I think you've defined my issue of late, the "permanence of loss" gaining ground as my new world, my new reality. Its not a thing we are used to dealing with. We lose a job, get sick, fight with a friend, suffer financial problems, damage a vehicle, these are all problematic, all carry varying degrees of difficulty. They tend though, to be temporary, we get through them, move on with our lives. This loss we face now? Oh no, not temporary, not going to correct itself. This is FOREVER. I think physiologically, our body's and our minds are "expecting" this to be over soon, it isn't in our usual experiences. This is so far removed from routine, it has an entirely different effect. It's been roughly 2 1/2 months, my "body" says "this is enough", I should be better by now. It's like an automatic reaction. A reflex of sorts. It's so terribly wrong, our minds, hearts, even down to our cells, we can't process this. If everyone on earth could feel our pain for one minute, at a young age, I wonder how many would risk marriage or any long term, committed, relationship? Of course, I wouldn't change anything, I love the life I had, the honor of being loved by her and being privileged enough to care for her, but to those who've never had that kind of sincere kind of relationship, they might have second thoughts. I hooked up my GoPro camera today, on one of my tvs, and my wife was in a few of the clips. Not featured front and center, but peripherally, in and out of view as I shot scenery or a few Disney World things. It was surreal, my reaction wasn't what I expected. Instead of tears or terrible waves of sorrow, it was very calming. It was if she was "there", still alive, just in another way. It saddened me of course, but not terribly so. It was reassuring that I could see her, moving, speaking, her hair moving. I have some old VHS and Super 8 tapes that I have yet to look at. Some of those WILL feature her more prominently, our wedding video, our newborn daughter, some vacations, car shows, and I really don't know what else. I'm not ready for them yet. Thank you KMB, I hope you rest well and find some peacefulness. Bless you, Andy
  5. A great deal of time. I don't believe this will be "better", I think it will evolve though. Or maybe I will? Either way, learning to cope with this, figuring out how to best move forward, will be a tremendous undertaking. Any life altering experiences, good or bad, are presumably shared with our life partners, but in our case, we set out alone. Time is no friend of mine, it will try to rob my memories, create distance with the ticking of the clock, erode my emotional connections. I'll fight that, it won't take that away too. Time though, will allow me to better understand my new reality, so I guess I'll have to cooperate on that level. So much misery, so much so that I find it amazing that we can feel this much pain, hour after hour, and still function at all. Incredible. To a better tomorrow, or at least a more bearable one. Andy
  6. You're absolutely correct. These "waves" of grief will pass, they will return. Perhaps with each episode I will learn better how to confront them. It's been rather bleak lately. Missing her has become so pronounced, it's so difficult, having this sorrow that nothing can "fix". Posting here has been a comfort that I can't really find anywhere else. My family is fantastic, but only we, the widows and widowers, or anyone who's lost their beloved, truly understand what this has done to us. Peace and love to you, and all my fellow travelers, Andy
  7. Herc, HHFaith, thank you both. I'm having a hard time, the magnitude of her absence has been weighing on me with a stronger than usual pain. As time goes by, the distance of time relative to her passing is making things so difficult. I'm "stuck" on December 31st, but time keeps moving. I don't want to move, I want to go back. I know it can't be that way, but my heart doesn't understand that. You guys and ladies are all so kind, your words help so, so very much. It's a blessing to have somewhere to express all this sorrow and to receive empathy in return. Bless you all. Andy
  8. It's 9:40 and cannot stop crying again. God, I'm hitting a low place again. I don't know why now, I don't understand this, the last 4 days have been so very hard. I know it's another low point, but it's taking a toll on me. I thought I was ok. I did have to mail off two more death certificates today, so that didn't help. I miss her so much, it seems like it's getting worse. Or I'm just tired and beat. I want her back, I want to hold her hand, smell her hair, hear her, I want my Tracie to come home.
  9. Regardless if you have an experience or have an event that unfolds in odd ways, the important thing IS to keep hoping. I believe in possibilities, I've always been that way, and for me, possibilities are a direct link to hope. The loss that we have faced, it changes us. We now have a bitter knowledge, an insight to sorrow and grief that we wish we didn't. Maybe, in the days, weeks, years to come, you'll develop an understanding of reality that makes sense for you. I don't ask "why" anymore. Some consider faith as foolish, just a way to convince ourselves death isn't that frightening or that we can see our loved ones again. That's ok too. I don't think it's foolish, but that's me. New133, hang in there (sounds trite, I know...), you are alone, but not alone. I think of us in this dark valley together, but we are alone to deal with the deeply personal feelings of sorrow and grief. Only you can feel exactly what you feel, but we can indeed relate to emotions, the anger, the confusion and all the mundane stuff that now requires Herculean effort to accomplish. Don't lose hope, even if it's the only thing you have, do not let it go. I was hopeful up to minute the Dr informed me of my wife's fate. Even now, I still hope. I hope I'm good enough to be what I need to be for my little girl, I hope I set a good example for her, I hope that one day, somehow, I'll actually be genuinely happy again. Not sure how that'll work, but I'm hoping. Love and hugs new133, Andy
  10. Sorry, I just realized that my "brief" story became a little long in the telling. I apologize, I got caught up I suppose. Andy
  11. I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to reply, between work (Monday) and my issues with posting, I'm a little late in my response. I posted somewhere either in this thread or perhaps another, about a necklace that became somewhat of an obsession for my daughter and I. I'll be brief, but essentially during the time in the E.R., I had removed my wife's wedding rings and then later, when was taken to the O.R., the nursing staff brought me her necklace and earrings. The necklace was one I had just given to her for Christmas, just 5 days prior. The problem was, as we later found out, we couldn't locate the necklace she'd worn for about 2-3 years prior, on a nearly daily basis. Most photos show her wearing it. It's a simple, silver "open heart" pendant that is given her years before. But she like simple, not very flashy jewelry, so that was her go to necklace. Over the next 2 weeks or so, I turned my house upside down, my parents house, all the family vehicles, trash cans, trash bags, inside out. Daily, after work, I'd look for that necklace. Between my daughter and I, we went systematically through my wife's jewelry box no less than 8-10 times. Piece by piece, her necklaces, bracelets, rings and various other items were laid out, one drawer at a time, at least twice by me, twice by my daughter. Then together and more haphazardly. Nothing. One thing I had purposely avoided checking was our vacuum cleaner. It's a canister type, no bag. I held on to the idea that two realities could exist at the same time, as long as I didn't look, the necklace could be there, as well as not be there. I was afraid my wife had accidentally thrown it out with the wrapping paper Christmas morning, since I had given her a new necklace and she may have taken the old one off, laying it down where it was mixed in with the paper. The Thursday of the week I had returned to work was HORRIBLE, I lasted about a half a day at work and had to leave. I was at my lowest since the day she passed away. I came home, my daughter and I were experiencing some communication issues, I was sobbing, I was lost. I was alone at home, and I decided to check the vacuum. It was filthy and full and I, with my bare hands sifted through the entire mess, and I found nothing. It wasn't there. I was devastated, I was in my back yard, begging God to help me, begging my wife to help me, pleading for help. I got up, went inside and crawled into bed. My daughter came home a little later, she had bought me a rose and a hand written note of apology. As she drove up though, a FedEx truck pulled up at the same time. He had a charm I had ordered for my daughter, it was a small heart with my wife's thumb print engraved on one side. She was so happy, asked if I had a necklace for it. I told her I didn't, my are mostly cords. During all this, I'm still in bed, I'm crying, I can't get up, I'm at my emotional end. My daughter is on the bed, trying to comfort me. She asks if she can look and see if "momma" has a necklace that will work. I said "go ahead, you know what's in there". She looked, both sides, found nothing that would work. I told her I'd get her one later. After saying she loved me and was ready to leave, she said she was going to look one more time. As she crouched down and opened the jewelry box door, I heard her gasp. I could not raise my head from the pillow, I was thinking "it can't be, it can't be" over and over. I heard my daughter, in a whisper, say "thank you mommy". My sobbing was uncontrollable by now, I still refused to look up. My daughter said "daddy, look" and I did. And yes, there was the necklace. In her hand, wrapped in her fingers. She handed it to me, I felt a "wave" come over me, of relief to be sure, but also a sense of comfort and "knowing". I told my daughter it was hers, she said "no, mom brought it to you, I have this one, you need this" I was speechless. The day, hour, I needed something, anything from my wife, God, to reassure me that things were ok, I got it. My daughter and I were flabbergasted that this necklace was there, in our face, in our hand apparently, this entire time? She asked me, "do you think we could miss it, or do you think mom put it there?" My answer was that I don't think it matters, it was "revealed" to us, at this most crucial moment. The timing was everything. It's all timing. I've had other episodes, none which I feel ready to discuss, but the common thread is the timing, the synchronicity involved. Is it possible we, after 8-10 searches missed it? In This relatively small jewelry box? Sure, I suppose. Just about anything can be "rationalized". But, again, faith carries me the extra distance when necessary, in this case however, I didn't have to suspend disbelief. I've had bad, really bad days since, I've been low, this past weekend a good example. But I have NOT felt like I did that day. I was shown, told, it was demonstrated to me, that my wife was okay. Even though I HATED this particular plan, it was all with part of something much, much grander than I. I don't like it, I want her back, everyday, but knowing that SHE'S ok makes this a tiny bit more bearable. It was a very personal experience, so I can only describe it to you as I perceived it, the way it made me feel, the impact it had on my daughter and I. I don't ask or expect anyone to believe or accept that it was a "sign" or message, I don't need anyone to. It was meant for me, but I don't mind sharing it. Maybe it'll bring comfort or maybe hope to someone hurting and in pain. That's all I can do. Andy
  12. No worries KayC, I was confused when I first saw the post, thought I was missing something. My end has been acting strange the last 24 hours or so, I think I've got it working though. Figured it was just another "ghost in the machine". Maybe she meant to address something in my post, but like myself, had some issues with her "quote" and ability to reply? Andy
  13. That was my original post when I joined this forum. I'm not sure what Mrsturner41 was trying to quote, but that's my post.
  14. I'm trying to sort out my "quote" and reply function, something's gone wonky
  15. New133, I understand your doubt or questioning "why?" I suppose that's the faith part of belief, you just accept the idea of there being more than this "life". My daughter has the same issue, she's looking and waiting for some "sign", reassurance, proof of some sort. I told her to stop "looking", just be aware. I believe signs are all around us, maybe we aren't ready to see, maybe they aren't all meant for this person to see, but they're there for another person. I think, and I'm only speaking from MY personal experience and from my perspective, that I've seen what I've seen because there wasn't a question of faith to begin with. I have always been open to certain things, I believe in possibilities. I told my daughter to not expect a Hollywood type of experience. No mysterious messages in the bathroom mirror, no full body apparition declaring itself to be "mom", or even things that are obvious. I wish I could help you with this, not to convince you of anything, but to provide you with some sense of comfort and peace. I sincerely hope you find what you're waiting for, or maybe it'll find you. Comfort and peace, Andy