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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Andy

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    My daughters wellbeing, my parents wellbeing, nearly anything geek, genre specific movies, hitting any backroad, photography, cars, and a bunch of other things my fantastic wife tolerated me doing.
  • Loss Type
    Wife passed away
  • Angel Date
    December 31, 2016


  • Occupation
    Aerospace related
  • First Name
  1. Want to share my experience.

    Thank you Francine. I love words. They are the notes to which our hearts sing by. I try to listen and I choose my words to get my thoughts and feelings across with as much sincerity as I can. Thank you for finding value in anything I say. Bless you my friend. Andy-
  2. Want to share my experience.

    I'm so very sorry for your loss and I'm deeply sorry for the world you've found yourself in. I've been here coming up on a year, and what I can tell you is that while time doesn't heal all wounds, it's does allow for acceptance and coping. I have felt everything that you feel, and I still feel much of what you do, but the frequency and intensity isn't as terrible, not nearly so. You will find your way, it will not be easy, it will feel like life is meaningless and without hope. And yes, the love of your family and friends will help and ground you, but IT IS NOT the same. What we have lost is profound in its hold on us, it "becomes" us. Part of us has died, and while we can and will breathe again, it will take great patience, with yourself and for those around you. This is like nothing else, it is a complex and intricate bond that exists between us and our beloveds. We literally have to learn how to "live" again, how to think, how to rearrange the context in which we see and process the world around us. Remember the things that made him fall in love with you, the things that made you the one he chose to be with. Never lose sight of that, remain true to that. He will always be a part of you, he will always matter, you will make sure of that. Breathing, living, thinking, "feeling", this will all take time and it will be different. No timetables, no rules, no expectations, this is YOUR grief. No one gets to tell you how to grieve. Take care of yourself, do what you need to stay healthy, but do what you have to do. And one last thing, people will tell you that you "need to be strong" or just to "be strong". While that sounds intuitive and it's the "right" thing to say, the truth is, being strong is near impossible. BE weak. Cry, scream, punch something, cures the universe or yourself or blame God, it's OKAY, being weak is all we're capable of sometimes. Sometimes, getting out of bed is all we can manage. And sometimes, great strength is revealed in our weakest moments. Peace, comfort and hugs, Andy-
  3. Want to share my experience.

    Francine! Its good to hear from you again, it has been awhile and as I told KMB and KayC, I will try to stay a little more aware of the goings on here. You know, this is your timetable. If you need 100 years, if it take two weeks, then that's what it takes. And as far as what road you want to go down, that's all in good time. Don't force or overthink it, just let life unfold. God doesn't use neon signs to show us the way, sometimes God puts many paths in front of us, leaves it up to us. He knows ALL possibilities, and maybe he lets us use the free will he gave us. You get to choose, trust that whatever you decide as you move on, it'll be okay. We all have more than one horizon to chase, you pick when and where. And sometimes standing still is the best move. You'll get there. Love and hugs Andy-
  4. Want to share my experience.

    KMB and KayC! Hello my dear friends! It's good to hear from and talk with you again. Life has indeed once again proven that the only thing I can count on is it's unpredictability. Not expecting what I've recently found myself in is frightening and nice. Life takes away as quick as it gives, so I'm not questioning too much, just seeing where the road goes. I love you guys, always will. Pardon my absence, it's hard coming here, so I had to look at this another way, from another perspective I guess. So, I'll try to drop in, see if I have anything worthwhile to contribute. Peace and love to you both, and great big hugs! Andy
  5. Want to share my experience.

    KMB and KayC! Hello my dear friends! It's good to hear from and talk with you again. Life has indeed once again proven that the only thing I can count on is it's unpredictability. Not expecting what I've recently found myself in is frightening and nice. Life takes away as quick as it gives, so I'm not questioning too much, just seeing where the road goes. I love you guys, always will. Pardon my absence, it's hard coming here, so I had to look at this another way, from another perspective I guess. So, I'll try to drop in, see if I have anything worthwhile to contribute. Peace and love to you both, and great big hugs! Andy
  6. Want to share my experience.

    Maybe she did tell you what you should do. You were her guiding star, her point of reference in a world without direction. She believed in you as much as you believed in her. What she saw, what she knew, what she understands in you that made it impossible for her not to love you, those things still exist. The things she valued in you, that essence of what makes you, you, let those things live again. Breathe, see your own value, allow that to encompass all that is. She knows who you are, she knows what you are, what you need, more than anyone alive, so let the things that guided HER, let them guide you. Five months I was lost. Then I began "talking" to my wife, in a much more direct way. More "real", not pleading or the constant decelerations of guilt or regret, but like I used to speak with her. I simply put things in her hands. I don't even know if things work that way, but it doesn't matter. It allowed me to reconcile then and now, it allowed me to move forward. Not move on, but forward. My wife knows what I need in life, better than anyone ever will, so why not entrust her with that aspect of my future? Even if you don't subscribe to that way of thinking, it still exposes you to consider the things that made you and your wife as "one", you consider, once again, who you WERE before she passed on. See what she sees, believe in what she believes in, be the man she loves, and always will love. Listen to her. Whatever path you walk, which ever path you wish to take, you won't be alone. She's there, and she wants what she has always wanted, you to be happy, to be the man you were always meant to be. Do so to honor her, yes, but do so for yourself. You will find your heartbeat again. Andy-
  7. Want to share my experience.

    This forum was what I needed when my world fell apart. The people I met, and those that I will consider friends for the rest of my life, helped carry me through the darkest days of this journey. I'm closing in on a year, and I will soon experience the last of the "firsts". Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve, the day on which my wife passed away. These will be the most painful and trying, but I will make it through. I'm ready for these days to pass, to no longer threaten me like some storm just over the horizon. I'll face them, I'll accept them, I'll cope, but it will be on my terms. My inner self has changed in many ways, how I see life, time, the future, the value I place on the things around me. The last few months have seen a change in my life that I thought was impossible, I have hope and the promise of a future now. Love has once again proven it's tenacity in the face of extreme odds. I will love my dear wife until the end of time, she was 27 years of my life, she is, and always will be, part of who I am. What I have, the beginnings of what promises to be the second chapter, is validation of the human spirit. We adapt and find ways to carry on. I have a memorial of sorts, deep within my heart, a place where my Tracie will always be. I see and talk with her everyday, but instead of the sorrow and grief I would feel at the mere thought of her, I now feel a comfort and gratitude for the life she gave me, the honor bestowed upon me to care for this wonderful person. She called me her husband, she made me a better person, she showed me what the absolute truth of love really is. I will never betray or turn my back on the gifts she gave me, I will live up to this legacy of sacrifice and devotion. I now move into another place of my life, a place that I didn't believe existed, a place I thought couldn't exist. Without warning, without expectation, love has once again found its way back into my life. My heart, while forever broken, has begun to beat once again, it "feels" again. My daughter and parents, my dear friends, I love them all, and now, the recent addition of my grandson has made me aware of so much. The loss of my wife was THE watershed event of my life. There is "then", and there is "now", before and after. I have a few new horizons to chase, new memeories to make, and as I begin this journey, my wife will be with me. She is gone, home to her Father, but I suspect that she still keeps an eye on her clumsy, and sometimes lost, husband. I also believe that my wife, my beloved Tracie, has found one last way to take care of me. She always provided me with the assurance of home, the warmth and peace of our love, the comfort of knowing that even when the world burned down around me, she was mine and I was hers. And that is all that mattered. With her lessons that she gave me, her quite strength and unyielding devotion, and I believe her "direction", I have once again found something that will allow me to have these things. Against all reason and expectation, I have felt joy and happiness, my faith in hope has been realized. I go forward, into a future that I actually embrace and look forward to. I will miss Tracie until I no longer draw breath, I will love her until the universe no longer draws breath, and it is because of her that I have the courage to once again walk this path. My friend, life doesn't care how much we love one another, it doesn't ask how you feel, it doesn't seek to make you happy or make you miserable, it simply doesn't care. It's horrible and beautiful and takes and gives, but I care. It is MY life, so with what very little control I do have, I will again fight for happiness. I will fight to make sure that I matter, that the people I love matter, that by living an honorable life, a life lived well, I will then honor my wife. My life will mean something again. In doing so, I will show the world that my wife's heart lives on, her heart mattered, SHE mattered. She will always matter. Peace be with you as you continue your journey without end. The path with take many directions, some familiar, some treacherous, many unexpected. Do not be afraid, do not take counsel from fear, remember all the things that mean something, hold dear to the love you have, let these warm and keep you. As in life, they were true and honest, and it is still so. Life belongs to the living, and we are alive. Seek life and fight for everything. Our departed beloveds would see us happy again, and they would be proud. Andy-
  8. I lost the love of my life :(

    Maria0419, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. There are no words, no expressions of consolation or wisdom I can give you that will make this, in any way, easier. My heart goes out to you as do my prayers. This journey you've been on and will continue to be on is a horrible and bleak one. What I can tell you is that as time passes, you will slowly accept and cope. Will this ever be "better"? I can't answer that, but I will say that it will get easier. The day to day will evolve mechanisms so you can retain your sanity and give you a chance to "heal". And I use "heal" as a relative term, the wound will never truly goes away, but managing will become almost a matter of survival. As TooDevastated says, post as often as you wish, there are beautiful souls here with terrible wisdom, they will share and help anyway they can. My wife passed away over nine months ago, and my relative position in terms of "progress" is due in no small part to the wonderful people here. Peace, strength and comfort Andy
  9. Want to share my experience.

    He still thinks the world of you, and you can bet that each and every letter you gave him is written across his heart. Love my friend, Andy
  10. Want to share my experience.

    I understand. Losing or having hope is fluid by its very nature. It's effected by events, our expectations, experiences, so many variables. The thing to keep within your heart, mind, spirit or all of these things, are possibilities. As long as you allow for this, hope will find its place. On days where all seems pointless or futile, my most pessimistic self will acknowledge that IF it's possible for something bad to happen, then something good MUST be possible also. You know that days will come that are filled with darkness and sadness, they're inevitable. You also know that we have very little control over the world around us. As much as I wanted my wife to make it that night, it wasn't enough. What you do have control over is how you choose to respond to this horrible loss. I chose to fight to carry on. Not "move on", that's absurd, but carry on, much as life moves on. My wife filled my life with possibilities, and my God we had a hell of a run. She was an exceptional human being who taught me how sacrifice, when done with pure love, isn't really a sacrifice, how patience will overcome anger, how giving yourself is the greatest gift you can give, to you. And she showed me that life is worth fighting for. And so, that's what I'll do. And you will to. Your children, your obligations and responsibilities, and ultimately, you, will focus the turmoil and sorrow that will reside within you. It's okay to be weak when you need to be weak. In our weakness we often discover great strength. You are going to be okay. You will find and keep "hope", whatever you need "hope" to be. Peace and comfort, Andy
  11. Want to share my experience.

    And I think I speak for more than a few of us, I have gained a new family. And I love you all so very much.
  12. Want to share my experience.

    Mom ordered pizza!
  13. Want to share my experience.

    Hello Dian, It's both nice and unfortunate to meet you. All things being relative as they are, I hope you're well and at a place of peace and clarity. The hours, days and weeks following the passing of my wife, I was at the edge of an abyss. Nothing was certain and my world was in ruins. I was grieving my wife, my daughter losing her mom, I was grieving for myself. Mind you, the sorrow still lives on, it always will. Now though, we have an understanding of sorts. I will allow it to run its course, break me down when necessary, but it will NOT define me. Shapes me, changed many perspectives, gave me horrible wisdom, but I put up the boundaries. As this change began, I started realizing that because of the way I happen to be, I would one day seek out a fellow traveler. I don't require social circles or status, but I must have my family, the trusted ear of true friendship, and, for lack of a better phrase, a "romantic" partner, (I feel cheesy just saying "romantic"). IF in the future, you decide or realize that you wish to find another "someone", know that it's more than possible. You already have part of this journey figured out, you "hope". That is the key piece in the puzzle that is your life. I've written here before that hope and possibility are the wind and road of my life. Without either, I see no point in anything. So keep "hope", do NOT let it go, keep it and it will keep you. Peace and comfort, Andy
  14. Want to share my experience.

    Thank you KayC, You are another beloved friend I've made here, without which I wouldn't be as "stable" as I am now. By the way, my power just cane back on at 7:30pm, east coast. I was right at 34 hours. Nothing to complain about considering the hardships of others, but now I have an empty refrigerator/freezer... Love and hugs, Andy