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About Andy

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    My daughters wellbeing, my parents wellbeing, nearly anything geek, genre specific movies, hitting any backroad, photography, cars, and a bunch of other things my fantastic wife tolerated me doing.
  • Loss Type
    Wife passed away
  • Angel Date
    December 31, 2016


  • Occupation
    Aerospace related
  • First Name
  1. Thank you all who were kind enough to reply. All of your thoughts are touching and comforting. I'm slow at replying, life has other plans at the moment, but I still come back to "see" you all when I can. Hopefully things will settle and I'll be back more consistently. I'm better than I have been these last few days. My daughters having a difficult patch, so I'm having to set aside my grief to be dad. And that's okay, gives me purpose, reminds me that I have work yet to do. Which brings me to something I've been thinking about. We all have a tendency to believe that without our beloveds, we are worthless or a best have a minimal contribution towards life. While we may feel that way, and we sometimes give into that notion, I don't think it's true. I would never assume that if I had passed away that my wife no longer has value. Her purpose, her identity, her value was tied to me and only me. I'd hate her thinking that, it would break my heart. Tracie allowed me to grow, to become something better, to be the best father I could be, to embrace life. Am I not those things anymore? Did I regress into a sub human capable of only basic survival? Maybe, but I hope not. If I'm not the person my wife helped me become, then what was the point? I hope it's those strengths and faith she had in me that helps carry me through. And to all of you who "feel" this way, I understand all too well, but you all have value and purpose and things to offer. Never think you're less of a person, I think rather that each and everyone of us are BETTER than we were before our beloveds came into our lives. We are more, we know love and loss, and those things, whether we like it or not, make us stronger, more understanding, sadly wiser, and much more appreciative of how precious life is. And how fleeting everything is. Your life, my life, will never be the same, may never feel the things we once felt, but it doesn't have to end. My wife doesn't want me miserable or stuck in misery, she wants me trying. I'm going to always try. On the real bad days I'm going to take a break and sleep. All the other days though, I'm going to keep at it. Here's to all the wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, and to us, the ones left behind, may we all find tomorrow a little better than today and may love guide us to our "tomorrows".
  2. I'm missing my wife right now, as always, but it's come back with a vengeance. I ventured out with a local Jeep club, first time, and of all places this charity event was held, it was at the children's home from which we had adopted our oldest daughter from. While there, I felt nothing. I felt no connections with anyone, I experienced very little joy. I didn't realize it at the time, I thought it was just being the new guy. I believe, however, it was because my wife is supposed to be with me. She's supposed to be here, now, not gone and having left me alone. She would be here if she could, but she can't, and I'm still lost without her. I'm sitting up in bed, looking at her pillow, a pillow that should be cradling her head as she sleeps. 24 years she slept next to me. She's gone, she's really gone and I need her so much and I miss her and love her and hurt. This hurts so much, I'll go on missing her the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do. Nothing. I can't go to her, I can't call her or beg for one final goodbye, I can't see her hold my daughter or smile at me and I don't want to feel this tomorrow or next week or ten years from now, but I will. It will never stop. I'll go a week, a month, maybe six months where it'll be okay, but it will come back and hurt all over again. I miss her so much I don't know what I'm going to do. Without her, who's going to care for me? Who's going to tell me that they love me? I was supposed to take care of her forever and what do I do? What do I do without her? I don't know how to be.
  3. Azipod, first let me say that I'm sorry for your loss. It saddens me every time a new "member" arrives at these dark shores. This bird you've found, I'm not qualified to say whether it means anything beyond the obvious, or it does in fact represent a message of some sort. I can only offer my thoughts. My belief system in matters of faith and the divine were, for the most part, well established prior to the passing of my wife. However, I've grown to accept that even my understanding of these things is incomplete and as a result, evolves over time. Full disclosure, my faith is rooted in Christianity, but I've opened up to possibilities of our reality, the nature of God, and our ultimate fate. I believe that the natural and supernatural coexist, that we live in a "pattern" of infinite complexity that as we are in it, we can not discern it's true form or nature. Only by transcending this plane, ascending to a higher existence, can we see this tapestry and its ultimate purpose, if you will. I also believe "signs", if that's what they are, are all around us. Sometimes they aren't meant for us, sometimes we see them, sometimes we can't because we aren't open to them, perhaps we see but don't understand. I experienced things just prior and subsequent to my wife's passing that for me, left little doubt as to what I was witnessing. Three weeks prior to her passing, my dearest friends father passed. He and his family experienced many similar things that I did. This bird you've found, I can't say at all what, if anything, it means. It did make enough of an impression upon you that you sought help or guidance with its implications, so perhaps it is something. It's noteworthy that you weren't looking when you happened upon this poor animal. That's when I had the most profound experiences, when I wasn't looking. As to what it means, I think that's for you to unravel. This is just my opinion/belief/ever changing understanding of a universe (s?) that grows more complex and awe inspiring as each day goes by. And the more complex it becomes, then so must God, and as I let go of some of my simple and "safe" assumptions of God and the nature of God, I've fully embraced the idea that the divine is beyond my grasp. And that's okay. We all arrive at whatever truth we arrive at. Each of us has our own journey, everyone unique. As long as we allow for possibilities, then I think revelation of "truth" can come to us all. Of course, I may be quite mad. Either way, I'm okay with it. Andy
  4. I believe that sorrow doesn't follow them to the hereafter precisely for that reason, KayC. They see the "big picture". It all makes sense for them, at least more than it does for us. I'm sure the echoes of sadness exist, but I doubt the utter sadness and despair we feel crosses over. Anyway, that's how I've come to accept things, and it's good enough for me. Thank you KMB and KayC both for your thoughts. As always, you are so appreciated and cherished as friends. Love and hugs, Andy
  5. I wanted to put down some thoughts, express a few things before I lose sight of "now". I haven't been as active here as I'd like, life has accelerated and I'm doing a lot of catching up, but my desire is to return as I once was. I miss the insight and fellowship that I find nowhere else. Its been anout a week since our 25th wedding anniversary, and my emotional state has sort of "leveled" off. The sense of grief induced dread has faded along with our anniversary, and the constant, driving pain has also retreated to a more manageable place. I don't know if this is yet another phase of sorts or an entirely new direction. Perhaps it's a glimpse of what my new reality looks like, a dull, not quite gray landscape, filled with bleak repetition. While I don't cry near as often, and I certainly don't break down as rapidly, that familiar sorrow is still there, still lurking about. I don't fear it though, not like I once did. I also have experienced a certain comfort of joy as I begin to understand and define my wife's essence as it exists now. It's with a certainty that I now confide and speak with her, not so much the desperation of a pleading heart looking for signs that she is still with me, but with a confidence that not only is she with me, but she's okay, we're okay, all things will be okay. I can't explain it, not clearly I'm afraid. It's "knowing", beyond feel, beyond simple knowledge, it's part of me. It's literally a part of my being, no different than an experience or a memory, but alive with awareness. If I sound like I've drifted into the esoteric or some extreme spiritual or paranormal mumbo jumbo, then I apologize, it's my inability to explain rather than my actual feelings. When I talk to my wife, I still hurt, I miss her and long for her to be by my side, but the understanding I feel is that she is indeed with me. Speaking with me using words is not what I have experienced, I don't know that she has or can reply, but I just feel it in my soul that she hears me. One the things I miss most is having her there to listen to me, so this is a great comfort to me. I'm sure it could be rationalized away by stating that since I so desperately miss her and so desperately need her to listen, then my psyche has created a mechanism by which this is possible, self delusion or something akin to it. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, this is simply how it is, how this works in my reality. I still try each day to find something that will act as a conduit for happiness, joy, reasons to seek these things out. I feel close some days, not so much others. Isolation and loneliness are still major obstacles, friends not so friendly, not their fault, they have their own lives to worry about. Not going to give up though, I won't do that. My daughter is still doing fairly good. To be young again... She misses her mom, always will, but like myself, her coping has gotten better, not so many nights spent crying herself to sleep. I think she will continue to grow and become the person she needs to be, the person her mother and I knows she can be. For now, that's what I felt like I needed to share. I want to get my thoughts down in a place where my fellow travelers will both understand and forgive my crazy ideas. God bless all you, my friends all, Andy
  6. KayC, KMB, HHFaith, ka9219, Bradley, M88, everyone, thank you all so much for your kind words, prayers and thoughts. My anniversary was bittersweet, perhaps more bitter than sweet. I'll go into a little more detail, but for now I just wanted to tell everyone just how appreciative I am. You all know this can be, is, a lonely place. Days like my anniversary, or any special occasion, serve to amplify what's already hard enough to deal with. Coming here and expressing my fears and anxieties is wonderful, but getting the insight, support and reassurances is simply a blessing. Uplifting and so inclusive, allowing me into your thoughts and prayers, even into your "lives", you all work your own special kind of miracles. I love all of you guys and gals, thank you all so much and may each one of you find peace and comfort, Andy
  7. M88, Thabk you! As always you're so very sweet and kind. I was the one so blessed, so fortunate to have had this life. It's been both wonderful and tragic, but I wouldn't trade a minute with her for anything. Love and hugs, Andy
  8. Ka9219, Thank you for your kindness. It's deeply appreciated and on this day, very much needed. I too believe, I know, love is stronger than death, it transcends this mortal realm, lifts us with a higher truth. Today is much harder than I had hoped for, I should've known better. Missing her is breaking me all over again. But that's okay. I'd rather have these 27 years worth of memories than a 1000 with anyone else. I'd gladly take that hug. Love and peace, Andy
  9. It's now the 11th of July. On this day, 25 years ago, Tracie and I were married at 11:00 am, and spent the next 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes by each other's side. Through young love, children, sickness, heartache and joy, the contentment of growing closer as the years passed by, becoming closer as friends, husband and wife. As all those years came and went, I knew that no matter the troubles we faced, whatever disasters landed at our door, I would always be okay. Tracie was by my side, holding me up, telling me that "it'll be okay", like she always did. I would've given my life for her, I would gladly spend the rest of my days carrying her, caring for her, protecting and providing for her the best I could. She was the single most devoted mother I'd ever known, her baby girl was the world to her, being mom her greatest joy. I was, I am, and will always be completely in love with my wife. She tolerated and indulged my insufferable hobbies and interests, allowing me to be who I am, never complaining or judging. In the midst of her suffering she only thought of her family, their happiness her only concern. I'll never be the same without her, my life will never be as full as it once was, but I must keep in mind that my life would never have been half as rich without her. I'm a much better person now because of her kindness, self sacrifice, patience and of course, choosing me to love. I'll spend the rest of my life trying my best to honor and live up to her faith in me. She told me often that she didn't know what she'd do without me, that she was grateful for me and the care I gave her. I don't know how good I was, but I tried my best. I'm going to keep trying my best. Tracie, happy anniversary my sweet darling. I miss you so much and my heart is breaking. I'd give anything for a last kiss or a walk together, hand in hand. I know that can't happen, but in my heart, where I keep all of our moments, we will walk there, together, until I meet you again on the white shores. Ours was too little time, our story unfinished, but the path shall not grow cold, it'll be ours once again. Forever and always you'll remain in my heart, my love for you undying and timeless. Thank you for the life you gave me, for this wonderful marriage and so many beautiful memories, thank you for saying "yes" and allowing me to share my life with you. I miss you my sweet wife, and I love you more than you'll ever know. Ever faithful, your husband, Andy
  10. Very, very true. That love between parent and child has been a saving grace for me, I honestly don't know what state I'd be in without my daughter.
  11. You will feel that happiness, I truly believe that. Pat, like Tracie, will not only be watching, he'll be guiding perhaps, or influencing the day, the environment, however it works. Just let it unfold without concrete expectations, adopt an almost relaxed state of mind. I know this sounds like "new age hippie crystal power dance around the maypole" type thing, but that's how it felt to me. It was just natural and "easy", if that makes sense? Anyway, I'll be thinking about you :-) Andy
  12. Indeed, it's been over 6 months since I've felt anything close to what we experienced Saturday. I certainly will cherish all of those moments of joy. Thank you so much.
  13. She did, she most certainly did. I could feel her moving through our day, always watchful and loving, as she always has been.
  14. It's 11:40 pm and I don't know if I'll go anywhere. I think I may go to her grave and tidy it up, add some good, rich soil as it's settled with all of this rain we're getting. Perhaps place some wild flower seeds into the potting soil, at least for some occasions flowers will grow before being cut. She loves flowers, all colors and varieties. It's been 6 months and I still haven't settled on a marker for her grave. Maybe there's something wrong with how I'm going about it, I just can't make it final. It's how I feel, I'm not ready. I'm just not ready. As for going anywhere, I'm completely lost. I have to return to work Wednesday, so anything distant is impractical. I hate work. It's a trivial necessity that drains me and keeps me from truly engaging in some much needed soul searching and "healing". Between that and my family issues, I still haven't gotten that isolation to think, to truly think and delve deep into finding answers for myself or at least discovering whether or not I'm on the right path. In light of losing her, my "job" is completely meaningless. I get nothing from it other than a way to pay bills and maintain that much needed health insurance. Sorry about my bitter tone, I get carried away I'm afraid. God bless, Andy
  15. Absolutely, shadow friends, how appropriate. Yeah, I have one who's always been more a brother anyway, he was with me the day I first laid eyes on my future wife, best man at my wedding, and he helped carry her to her final resting place. Other than him, I've not been blessed with an abundance of true blue compatriots. And yes, my wife was the one person on this planet that cared and loved for me like no other, she was both a true love and a best friend, what more could a person ask for? Love and hugs, Andy No worries about her name, I constantly get names mixed up in my head, there are so many people here and with new voices popping up almost daily, I can't sort them all out. :-)