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About Andy

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    My daughters wellbeing, my parents wellbeing, nearly anything geek, genre specific movies, hitting any backroad, photography, cars, and a bunch of other things my fantastic wife tolerated me doing.
  • Loss Type
    Wife passed away
  • Angel Date
    December 31, 2016


  • Occupation
    Aerospace related
  • First Name
  1. Manifesting your grief into something tangible and positive, well done. I applaud your drive to fill this chasm with a desire to help others like yourself. As has been said, it is our actions that define us, not our intent. You may just very well alter the life, or lives, of someone who otherwise may not end up in a "good" place. I really understand the statement about being alone. I'm struggling with things, but one constant is that at MY home, I prefer the company of my dogs. Home has become a sanctuary of sorts, it was where my wife and lived, it's where we enjoyed just being together, a comfortable married couple looking forward to a better tomorrow. I like being here, but I like my thoughts and musings uninterrupted, alone with my memories. That may change at some point, and this may sound bad or wrong, but I feel as if I'm being intruded upon when someone unexpectedly comes by. It's part anxiety I'm sure, but my home feels like something "sacred" to me now, not to be visited casually. I know that sounds odd or just nuts, but it's how I feel. I don't want to be this way, it's just something else I'm working through. Anyway, I think you're doing a good thing, bless you friend. Andy
  2. We are indeed in the same, shipwrecked, boat together. Horrible, all of it. Andy
  3. I understand, everything you say, I understand. I'm so sorry, if I could take all this pain away from everyone here, I would do so. It's a desolate feeling knowing that so many people deal with this so alone. The world moves on and in many ways, were stuck on that one, singular and horrible day. No one knows that, not really. It's one thing to accept "war is hell", but it's quite different to experience it for ones self. We're trapped in an in between state, trying to move yet stuck in time. Panda, you'll get no judgement from me, I'd numb this agony if I could. I want nothing to happen to you though, so please take care, please. Peace and love, Andy
  4. Jen139, first of all, I'm terribly saddened by your loss and the sorrow you've found yourself in. Also, IF you contemplate suicide, start "acting it out" in your mind, or find yourself thinking about it more often, I implore you to PLEASE seek help, a former guidance counselor, a therapist, even a primary care doctor, do NOT allow these thoughts to progress. Didn't mean to go all "lecture" on you, but hey, I'm a dad. Jen, your life is not over, it certainly feels like it, believe me, I know. I'm 45, my wife, who passed New Year's Eve, was only 42. We were married almost 25 years. We were your age when we started our life together, so I understand the fierceness in which you loved your boyfriend. This pain you feel will ease, and if/when you decide to find love again, remember that "what was" will have nothing to do with "what may be". Guilt won't have a place in the setting of a new love. I have a daughter a little older than you, so I'm in dad mode a little, but I've also lost the love of my life, so I'm in the "fellow traveler" world, walking with you. If your beloved could speak with you, I'm sure the first thing he'd say is to "Stop. I want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted, that hasn't changed. I know that you think it's not possible, but I assure you, it is. My death shouldn't define you, I fell in love with a kind, warm, beautiful girl, so go be that girl." Everyone here on these forums will give you compassion, advice, even just listen, no judgement, no preaching. Post here as often as you feel the need, please reach out. Please Jen, take care of yourself, you, like myself, are still here, you're still alive. And being alive means "possibilities", and that means HOPE. Give yourself time, give yourself a chance, and find help to guide you, to help make sense of all this, give you ways to cope, accept and move forward. Not move on, just forward. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to speak with any of us, on the forums or privately, you aren't alone here, so there's no need to go it alone. I don't know your relationship with your parents, but if you're close at all, you may wish to speak with one of them. As I said, I have a daughter, 21 years old, and I love her more than anything on this earth, and it breaks my heart she lost her mom, and I do all I can to comfort her. Maybe someone in your family can do that for you. Just some advice from an "old man" Jen 139, please take care, I'm thinking of you and praying for you, may you find comfort and peace, Andy
  5. Panda, your pain is so evident in your words, I see some of your trials in my own journey. Looking at photos that capture "better" days are so difficult, because as you say, they are of healthier, more carefree days, yet, like in my case, those days had largely vanished long before my wife passed. Looking at those pictures only drive home that she will never have the chance to recapture some of her health, to become the happy, carefree girl she once was. Guilt is about the most vicious monster in the menagerie of guilt, it doesn't need facts or reasons, it just tears at us from within. Should I have forced her to go to the ER? Should I have called 911 sooner? Did I remember to apologize after every argument I'd ever had with her? Was there something I should've said but didn't? It goes on and on, but we have to see it for what it is. Guilt implies responsibility and that implies control, and that is something we do not have. And it's hard admitting that, it was for me certainly. I have a daughter who now instead of telling her that "I'll be here forever", I have to say "I'll be here as long as I'm able". I'm husband, dad, son, I need to be in control, how else do I protect the ones I love? I do as much as I can but realize that my "power" is very limited. I couldn't save my wife. As she complained of about her stomach hurting, a stomach ache for Gods sake, she was literally dying before the ambulance got to my house. That fills me with so much self doubt, why didn't I simply maje her go, instead of asking her and she said "no", twice. Her legs had stopped working when I finally called, she was laying in the bathroom, unable to stand, she cried for me to help her, and I couldn't! I couldn't do a thing to save my wife. I looked into her terrified eyes and knew that terror was reflected back at her. For the first time in nearly 25 years of marriage, I was scared. I still have horrible episodes from the memory of that day. It's as vivid as the day it happened. Her fright, her tears, they crush me in an avalanche of guilt and despair. The person I spent my adult life taking care of, in her most desperate hour, I was helpless. I will carry that until I'm no more. I still hear her crying my name, I see her helpless on the floor, I still feel that wrenching pull of my soul being twisted as I realized that something terrible was happening to my sweet darling wife and I couldn't do a thing about it. I know guilt. I know it well, and I still struggle with it. In my "mind" I know I couldn't know what was going on, I couldn't know that this mere stomach ache was far, far more than that. My "heart" though, oh no. It doesn't know, it only knows that I was powerless as my wife was dying, and I couldn't save the mother of our little girl, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my days with. 6 hours and 42 minutes later she was gone. As I had been powerless in my home, so I was as the doctor told me she didn't make it. Dont let guilt take hold of you. Fight it with everything you have. It's unfair how it fights, it gets to play the "what if" game with you, and it's a losing game. Don't play it. Ignore it, scream at it, replace it with gratitude and memories or the fact that you are human, not a sorcerer with healing magic, you aren't responsible for his passing, you loved him the best you could and that's all ANY of us can do. I'm thinking of you, peace and comfort, Andy
  6. Thank you P 67, my marriage was special, built on strength of devotion and an undying belief in one another, it endured many heartaches and troubles. Through it all though, we were a true "couple", us against the world. I too believe in the "other side", however one sees it. My faith was in place before she passed, but I've had "events" happen that I interpret as "signs", things that were timed in such away that makes them directed at me, not meaningful for anyone else. I know that I'll never understand how or why things work the way they do, and that's ok. I'm just glad that they do. My wife had an unshakable faith, despite her lifelong struggles and suffering. She showed me how to accept heartache and disappointment with grace, not complaining, but trying everyday to get better, to find happiness. I believe she is more than okay now, I know she is. It's me who has the problem of loss and sorrow. I don't have a large circle of friends, my family is small, and I don't warm up quickly to strangers, so my resources are limited, but I get by. I try and fail, but I keep trying to get back to life. The living part that we all need, to truly BE alive, that's what I'm striving for. Peace and hugs, Andy
  7. I don't think there is a traditional way to mourn. The only universal thread that joins us all is the pain of the loss. As you said, each of us are different, our cultures, our beliefs, experiences, personalities, it all leads us to a personal journey. How you choose to cope and move forward is a choice for you and you alone to make.
  8. While that's a chilling thought, I'm not in the least surprised. I've always suspected there was a psychology involved with social networks and the devices that facilitate them.
  9. Spoken by a man who's seen much and survived. Wonderful insight and analogy, the wreckage of our "ships", remnants of a seaworthy life. Thank you for sharing Soloman'sGirl, Andy
  10. Panda, Just seeing how you're getting along. Hope everything is as okay as it can be. Warmth and peace, Andy
  11. Bravo! I'm with you, my daughter is the same, I told her that her phone was just another appendage she can't live without. She looks at me as if I've grown a third eye on my forehead. It is rude. Another symptom of the "look at me" world we're in. Smart phones my @$$.
  12. You have a remarkable young man there, recognizing how wonderful you are and at the same time being sensitive enough to understand the difference Scott has made in your life. I have an eclectic variety of interests, most of which my wife could care less about. In fact, it was a mixture of tolerance and amusement that she watched me with, as I was acting like an 8 year old on Christmas morning whenever something made me truly happy. It wasn't necessary for her like what I did, but knowing she was happy because I was, well, that's simply amazing to me, what an expression of love. I'd tell her about a new movie being released, I'd talk about a big game coming the next weekend, or I'd talk about a new Disney "rumor" (yes, I'm a Disney-phile, cool story about that) and she smile and laugh or ask one or two questions and that'd be enough. I knew she didn't get worked up over my oddball stuff, but she cared that I cared. That's what I miss, and I'm afraid it might be gone forever. Going through life, finding something you enjoy, yet no one cares. Not one single person cares that you're happy about something. No more "deep" conversations, no more bearing my soul, no more confessions of fear, because no one cares. I'm not a robot or an automaton, I enjoy sharing and having feelings reciprocated back, I like the comfort my wife afforded me, I loved her in my life in every way, and I want her back. That's it though, isn't it? What I want, I can't have. It simply can't be. I'm missing her terribly, so alone now.
  13. I've been chasing it consistently for the last couple of months now. I'm not going to stop, not yet anyway. I want to feel that joy again. I'm working at it, but I haven't found it yet. Hugs, Andy
  14. I understand, no amount of time would be enough. Not for moving on, not reaching some magic period of time that makes it ok when they pass. I'm struggling myself, a lot lately, about what I'm to do. Not anything so grand as a purpose, but figuring out to engage beyond simply "functioning". It's all a struggle. Daily what we face, new revelations of our loss. I hope the movie proves to be as interesting to you as It was for me. Find some peace my friend, Andy
  15. Your attitude is amazing. The positive outlook you have in the face of this sorrow is admirable. Thank you for the kind words, I don't know if I'll be capable of giving myself over to another person ever again, to be honest, I'm not even sure I'd even recognize that sort of thing again. After 27 years with the only girl I have ever loved, I'm more than terrified at the idea of even going down that road. It's all so terrible, I sometimes feel like my life is over, the engaging part that is. I can't express this to my daughter, I can't express this to my parents, my friends have no context for this. I love my daughter with all my heart, and I'll be here for her as long as I'm allowed, and I'll care for my parents the same, but for myself, I don't know anymore. Its all so dark and confusing. I'll keep moving forward though. I'm still hoping for possibilities.