After a long verbally abusive relationship I stayed single for almost 3 yrs until I met a man who was nothing like my ex , petrified of trusting someone again but convinced I had given myself enough time I took a leap of faith . I fell and I fell hard. I dated my ex for only 3 mnths , but it didn't feel like 3 mnths to me , the impact it had was intense . For the first time in my life I could see a future with this man . I was truly happy. I always seemed to be the one making the most effort in a relationship . Something I pointed out , we didn't do too many things together in public and I only met a few of his "close friends ." When we had our very first disagreement , I Thot we are growing and different individuals it's bound to happen . He said he didn't knw how to fix the problem but we didn't really have that big a problem that couldn't be fixed with compromise. We just suddenly stopped talking because I wanted him to make the effort , after my numerous attempts for us to talk and resolve our issues. He made no effort and later found out he had been sick , I asked why he never told me ? I couldn't understand it coz I loved this man and if he was sick I would have dropped everything , been there for him . It also stung coz it was heartbreaking to think our relationship had deteriorated to a point he wouldn't tell me about his illness . He never reached out to me , never asked about my health or offered support when my nana died. Basically he silently cut all ties without a word . For months I never knew if I was single or on a break so I waited, it was one of the hardest things I had to go because I didn't really understand why our relationship ended. I even asked at one point if I had done anything to hurt him after months of confusion.
Finally I got the memo , I moved on and made peace with the breakup , which in hindsight can't even be called that.
Eight months later I find out that his in hospital, I put down all our past differences a , I go and visit him in hospital on several occasions , the atmosphere is awkward , strange , it is clear he doesn't want to see me , doesn't want me there but I don't understand why. In my head am thinking he probably thinks it's weird that I being an ex is visiting him. Or maybe he thinks I want him back . I am currently in a new relationship so was strictly there as a friend . I then find out that the awkwardness frm him and his family is because he has a fiancée . 3 days after learning this , shocked , confused , trying to understand just when our relationship ended, if it existed at all , he died .
I later found out that she was an ex gf who had moved in with him and was now pregnant . I thought his strange behaviour was because of his mummy issues and in a million yrs could not have thought him capable of cheating . But the time frame did not make any sense . All the little things that just didn't make sense suddenly did . I couldn't go to the funeral because I now felt like the other woman , unable to grieve , can't even be angry at him coz his dead .went for the burial and stood by the sidelines as the fiancée was comforted and openly grieved . I realise I did not knw this man . Am confused and hurting . My closest friends get my confusion because they are also shocked at the turn of events . The new guy doesn't understand why am so hurt by an ex . After the revelations I don't knw how to feel . Am numb confused and in pain . I now realise those months meant Nuthing , I can't trust any of it , don't knw what was real and what wasn't . Most importantly if it was real when it stopped being real . I moved on , so why does it hurt so much , am torn between grief that his dead and hurt that I was deceived . And others think the time we dated is too short but the pain I feel is real . Now it's like what signs did I miss , where they so obvious ? How can I trust myself now and others . My new bf doesn't knw how to deal with me so he says Nuthing , I need some support frm him but I knw its an unfair expectation . Am angry at friends who don't get it . am sad at other times, I move between emotions, I feel like am losing my mind .