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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Zara19

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  1. My heart hurts

    Dear Numb and Lost I've not been on the site for a while but many times I have thought about how you may be getting on. I am so sorry you are still suffering badly. I can understand what you say as I am thinking many of the same thoughts myself. People tend to think all we need to do is "get some counselling", which is great if it works but for me, like yourself it hasn't. I had bereavement Counselling and after two sessions they were stopped as I kept repeating myself and becoming tearful. In the last month again I have had two general counselling sessions and they were stopped as the counsellor said she didn't think I was up to it. She didn't think I'd be able to cope. I went back to the Dr and asked if I could have a psychiatric referral as I thought I was having a breakdown but I'm not allowed so I feel there is no where to turn now. I understand what you mean about the "twilight zone". I have used that expression myself. It's like a terrible feeling of living in neither one life or the other and always feeling in limbo. I tend not to dream about my Husband now and that makes things worse. No one talks about him so that is so sad. Like you, I don't have any of his possessions around me as they are at home and I have been staying with family and this makes things worse. What really got to me though was when I started to look through photographs and how much in the distant past he seemed. That really was a disabling thought. The counselor said I'm trying to keep him alive - maybe I am. From 6 months on I have started to add extreme panic to my sadness and this is very hard to live with isn't it. If such feelings are hard enough when they can be expressed then they must be absolutely intolerable when you have to conceal them. I don't know if your family circumstances are still the same as I have not been on the site for a while. You must have a huge amount of resilience to keep a job and family together but it comes at a cost to the mind and body doesn't it and not being able to share uses up more of your mental and physical energy. Have you been told you may have a form of PTSD?. I wondered why I felt worse at 6 months but apparently it's common as reality rears its ugly head. I wish I could say something to make things better but I can't find the words. I too am tired of searching all the time for help like posting, reading, counselling etc and I am just so beaten. Searching for a solution where there is none is killing me, I don't know about you. A couple of weeks ago I ended up having hospital treatment for an accidental staggered painkiller overdose. If I hadn't been so taken with grieving I would have noticed but I remember thinking if the overdose was intentional then I would have died a slow, painful death, not the quick solution to my emotional pain as I would have envisaged during any previous thoughts of suicide. I hope we find a way to go forward, I don't know what that will be only that we reach a point where we can achieve some peace, if only for a short while. Take good care Numb and Lost.
  2. Taking a Break

    Hello KMB I'm sorry if I have offended at all, it was not my intention. I don't speak with anyone about my grief so the only outlet is through these forums even though I live with family. It's really hard having to hold it in but I appreciate I am not physically alone. I can't seem to find the courage to accept my Husband is not with me anymore. I am getting worse and have contacted the UK equivalent of a suicide helpline and think I'm using the net as a form of denial - which won't end well. You are a caring soul and have posted encouraging words to me many times so again, I apologize if I have offended. Regards
  3. Want to share my experience.

    KayC - I saw this a few months ago and read it again last night - most interesting.
  4. Taking a Break

    Hello All Not quite sure who will see this but I truly identify. The constant seeking, yearning for new information, posting, reading etc. Forever looking for a solution when there is no solution. For every item we read that brings a modicum of solace each following items brings a solace that lasts for a shorter amount of time. Is it avoidance, is it a compulsion/addiction, is it yearning/searching. I don't know but it's exhausting and takes us away from being present. It's isolating but a necessary lifeline to some. I have read (not surprising) that excessive participation in forums is a sign of grief that's becoming stuck. My online grief activities are becoming worse, they are beyond being helpful now and are stealing my time and energy - yet I cannot control this.
  5. That's OK Tami, I hope you are doing as well as can be expected. This is so horrendous. Take care.
  6. Lost

    Virg78. Francine always gives such thoughtful and compassionate advice, there is nothing I could add. My Husband too passed away from heart issues in our home and I have been staying with family as I have been too distressed to go home. I'm sorry to read of your loss, it's so recent. I send you thoughts of empathy and support.
  7. Life goes on - what for

    Sorry Marcel that you are feeling such distress. My Husband passed away just over 6 months ago and the anger I feel over the loss has turned me into something akin to the Incredible Hulk. I lash out at people, it's not right but it's so hard to control. I am also struggling with the oppressive pointlessness of everything I am not in a great place myself at the moment so I am sorry I can't be more positive but I do empathise and send thoughts of compassion.
  8. New

    Mickeyboy, I'm sorry to read of your distress. That's such a lot of trauma and heartbreak to bear. I can't even begin to comprehend your pain. I can relate to you just drifting through the day. I do the same because everything, bluntly speaking, feels just absolutely pointless without my purpose in life and that was my Husband. He passed away in October suddenly although anticipated. I'm not coping well and have had Cruse counselling which was a disaster. I wish you calmer times ahead. I use the Sue Ryder Online Community in the UK, don't know whether you have tried this. Francine has written you a lovely message of encouragement I see, far more positive than my post but I have had a worse day than usual and not in the best of places right now. Sending thoughts of compassion.
  9. Advice please anyone?

    Thanks KMB - Warmest regards to you.
  10. Advice please anyone?

    Hello - Thank you to everyone that gave me advice about this. I went and managed to not become tearful during the service but couldn't help it when one of the lovely hospice staff came to speak to us all individually. It always happens doesn't it when someone is nice to us. It was sad also that the service would have been something my Husband would have loved and I kept thinking we should have been there watching it together. Hope everyone is bearing up.
  11. Lost my husband dont want to live

    Nice idea about the card Andy. I thought the same but didn't know how to phrase it properly. Kindest wishes to you - hope you and your daughter are bearing up the best you can.
  12. Lost my husband dont want to live

    Hello again Juliet. I know what you mean about the birthday card. My Husband passed away a day after my 51st birthday. He had been in hospital 5 weeks. I picked a card that he could sign and give to me but he was so drowsy I said I'd sign it. I wish I had given him the chance now as he may have wanted to say something on that card to me. It was strange to be handed both sympathy and birthday cards simultaneously. Like you I don't know how people survive 'over years'. We had no children together. I have been too distressed to stay at home alone since it happened and have been with family 25 miles away. For the first 6 months I was unable to go out anywhere alone and had spells were I couldn't even get up in the mornings. The shock and trauma takes all your emotional reserve doesn't it. It just seems so desperately unfair that you survived the cancer only to be faced with this tragedy. I find I am restless and very angry as well. I had declined Anti-depressants until the 5th month and was prescribed Prozac. I took these for 4 days before deciding tablets weren't going to help at all even though I am depressed. The grief has changed over the past 6 months and reality is sinking in, it's so difficult. Andy has written some lovely, encouraging words of comfort in his reply. Try not to look into the future, it's frightening and personally I'd be lying if I said I never thought of hoping I wouldn't wake in the morning. I'm sorry I can't offer more positivity but I do wish you strength. Take care and keep posting whenever you like.
  13. Lost my husband dont want to live

    Hello Juliet - I'm really so sorry to read of your distressing loss and your feelings of devastation. I was in a similar position to you, I thought my Husband too was invincible but he passed away the same day as he was discharged from Hospital. His kidneys weren't working and he had Heart Failure too. As you know the heart and kidneys are closely linked, one has an effect on the other so your husbands blood pressure may well have been in a dangerous state already. What I am trying to say rather clumsily is that, as you mention, his heart could just not pump anymore. It was probably the natural weakness rather than as a result of any meltdown. When this happens it's a sudden cardiac arrest. And it's a devastating shock. There are a million things I wish I had done differently that may have had a different outcome and 6 months later I still dwell on these issues so I understand the pain you feel, I truly do and I empathise. If the troubling thoughts persist please don't suffer in silence as I am. Talk to a sympathetic GP. Your GP can obtain his notes to explain what happened or you could ask for a meeting with the Hospital so they can reassure you and put your mind at rest, if you are strong enough to do so - I don't feel strong enough. Don't worry about the comments on FB, they don't deserve your precious time. Try not to worry about the meltdown either, you were upset, frightened and worried for your husband. I hope you have close relatives to support you, you don't say. I was in touch with the Samaritans for a while and had Cruse Counselling but it didn't work for me. Please take care and just get through each day as it comes, only do what is absolutely necessary as everything else is unimportant.
  14. Numb and Lost I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they. It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better. A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful. As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.
  15. Advice please anyone?

    You are quite right KMB, the realisation that this parallel universe is now our home rather than the familiar world we used to live in is crippling. Someone told me about a website www.merrywidow.me.uk written by a young widow whose husband died from CHF and she has written a "guide" on the site. One of the chapters on the website is "The Six Month Low" and it's certainly accurate. Like yourself I don't want to go out or do anything, I feel like a stranger in my existence and to myself. I don't think others understand who fundamentally this changes us - in my case not for the better. Take care.