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About Zara19

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  1. Nice idea about the card Andy. I thought the same but didn't know how to phrase it properly. Kindest wishes to you - hope you and your daughter are bearing up the best you can.
  2. Hello again Juliet. I know what you mean about the birthday card. My Husband passed away a day after my 51st birthday. He had been in hospital 5 weeks. I picked a card that he could sign and give to me but he was so drowsy I said I'd sign it. I wish I had given him the chance now as he may have wanted to say something on that card to me. It was strange to be handed both sympathy and birthday cards simultaneously. Like you I don't know how people survive 'over years'. We had no children together. I have been too distressed to stay at home alone since it happened and have been with family 25 miles away. For the first 6 months I was unable to go out anywhere alone and had spells were I couldn't even get up in the mornings. The shock and trauma takes all your emotional reserve doesn't it. It just seems so desperately unfair that you survived the cancer only to be faced with this tragedy. I find I am restless and very angry as well. I had declined Anti-depressants until the 5th month and was prescribed Prozac. I took these for 4 days before deciding tablets weren't going to help at all even though I am depressed. The grief has changed over the past 6 months and reality is sinking in, it's so difficult. Andy has written some lovely, encouraging words of comfort in his reply. Try not to look into the future, it's frightening and personally I'd be lying if I said I never thought of hoping I wouldn't wake in the morning. I'm sorry I can't offer more positivity but I do wish you strength. Take care and keep posting whenever you like.
  3. Hello Juliet - I'm really so sorry to read of your distressing loss and your feelings of devastation. I was in a similar position to you, I thought my Husband too was invincible but he passed away the same day as he was discharged from Hospital. His kidneys weren't working and he had Heart Failure too. As you know the heart and kidneys are closely linked, one has an effect on the other so your husbands blood pressure may well have been in a dangerous state already. What I am trying to say rather clumsily is that, as you mention, his heart could just not pump anymore. It was probably the natural weakness rather than as a result of any meltdown. When this happens it's a sudden cardiac arrest. And it's a devastating shock. There are a million things I wish I had done differently that may have had a different outcome and 6 months later I still dwell on these issues so I understand the pain you feel, I truly do and I empathise. If the troubling thoughts persist please don't suffer in silence as I am. Talk to a sympathetic GP. Your GP can obtain his notes to explain what happened or you could ask for a meeting with the Hospital so they can reassure you and put your mind at rest, if you are strong enough to do so - I don't feel strong enough. Don't worry about the comments on FB, they don't deserve your precious time. Try not to worry about the meltdown either, you were upset, frightened and worried for your husband. I hope you have close relatives to support you, you don't say. I was in touch with the Samaritans for a while and had Cruse Counselling but it didn't work for me. Please take care and just get through each day as it comes, only do what is absolutely necessary as everything else is unimportant.
  4. Numb and Lost I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they. It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better. A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful. As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.
  5. You are quite right KMB, the realisation that this parallel universe is now our home rather than the familiar world we used to live in is crippling. Someone told me about a website written by a young widow whose husband died from CHF and she has written a "guide" on the site. One of the chapters on the website is "The Six Month Low" and it's certainly accurate. Like yourself I don't want to go out or do anything, I feel like a stranger in my existence and to myself. I don't think others understand who fundamentally this changes us - in my case not for the better. Take care.
  6. KayC You are very right about timing KayC. It's just 6 months and I have just read 6 months in a significant mark of time in the grieving process and I didn't realise that was why I felt so bad, or worse. Thanks for comments.
  7. Thanks KMB - The worst has already happened, you wouldn't think this decision would need to cause so much distress would you.
  8. Thankyou JustMe and Andy. You make a good point JustMe. Time is running out for me to make a decision so I hope when I come to a conclusion I don't regret the decision I didn't choose. Thanks again.
  9. Thanks KayC, still deliberating and still stressing. Take care.
  10. AceBasin Thanks for your comments, I meant to click on Submit to respond as soon as I read your reply but the message may have failed. Regards.
  11. Thanks Francine.
  12. Thanks KayC and Francine. It's on the 27th. I agree with you Francine, instinct is not to be ignored as it's a correct indicator. It's causing me more distress than the funeral service. Maybe it's because with the funeral I had no choice. It's the indecision that's killing me. My instinct tells me I should go - my heart tells me I'm too frightened. It almost feels like I should be going along to the event with him. I have till 19th to decide. Thanks for the input.
  13. Thanks HH Faith for your comments. They are appreciated. I wish you well in your endeavours, this is so, so very hard isn't it.
  14. Hello Andy - Thank you for your kind words and comments. I expect there will be many other people there as it's a quarterly event for all the patients the Hospice cared for that have passed away. I'm sure my Husband would simply have been just as pleased if I watched his favourite DVD for him at home but I can't help feeling disrespectful by not being there. Thanks again for your wise advice.
  15. Thanks KMB - I am really anxious about this decision.