I am new to this, and seeking any advice anybody has to offer really. I know this is an odd one, as my loss isn't a spouse, a partner or family member. But my best friend.
My best friend Rob, passed away 3 weeks ago today, due to a motorcycle accident. Someones careless driving ran him straight off the road and killed him instantly. The one thing I can't comprehend is I was with him ten minutes before this happened. I thought it was strange as to why he didn't text me when he was home like he usually would, obviously I now know why. This is the first person I have actually ever lost, I suppose I have been quite fortunate in that sense. I just wanted to express myself on here as I feel as if I can't talk about it to anyone, outsources. Every time I bring it up, people change the conversation or I have had comments in small words "get over it" especially whilst being at work. I know death is a raw subject, and there isn't much someone can say to make someone feel better, or lighten the situation. I also am aware it can make people feel uncomfortable, just because there isn't anything to say nor do. But it's making me feel as if I am breaking some unspoken law when I talk about Rob. I have been having all sorts of thoughts bashing around my head, I am more hateful of myself and angry at myself for not being able to adjust the situation. The night he passed away, he was actually at home and i begged him to come see me due to me having an "off" day as such, and I just keep thinking if i didn't nag him so much this situation wouldn't even exist. Or if I just kept him with me for that extra ten minutes, that twat on the road would of passed and they wouldn't of even crossed paths.
I keep messaging him, calling him but i don't actually know what the heck im expecting. I think I am genuinely losing my marbles!
I keep finding myself getting sudden outbursts of anger, rage that boils up inside me and i just want to smack something,or scream until my lungs run out of every possible inch of air. I can't concentrate at work, I am almost non-functional. I go from feeling nothing, completely numb, to feeling everything in a very very short space of time. I just don't actually know what to do with myself? I sometimes think am I actually really going through the emotions properly? It's all just a blur. My heart aches continuously, I feel selfish for every breath i am taking for which he isn't. I apologise for being so morbid, just thought coming to this forum will make me feel comfortable as I understand that everyone on here are feeling the pain of a loss as much as the next. I don't really know what advice I am actually looking for, perhaps comfort in the sense that this isn't my life now, this pain, this numbness this complete feeling of despair.
Thank you x