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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by Francine

  1. Happy Valent...Shut up!

    I had a really, really bad day on Valentine's Day and my tsunami's were running rampant. A friend's call literally brought me out of the pit I was in and I was so thankful to him and God for sending him my way. While it was not a "good" day for me, there was some "good" in that day; and it was in the form of my friend.
  2. really lost.

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know your pain. I was a lot like you when my Charles passed on (it still feels strange saying that) but I didn't want to go on, mentally and physically. All I felt was hurt, pain and a sense of not wanting to continue this life without him. Talk about feeling lost and lonely - that was a understatement. I literally didn't know what to do or if I could go on without him. He was my entire life and without him, I felt so lonely, so desperate, I finally cried out to what seemed like an invisible God and asked Jesus to come into my heart. In that moment, something happened. I knew God’s presence and love were real, because for the first time ever, I didn’t feel alone. I thought I would never have to fight feelings of loneliness again. But I was wrong! I’m in the hardest season of my life, and I lost the important person in this world to me - my Charles. In Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 it states," To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted". However, in the midst of our deepest heartaches, God will used our tears to heal our broken hearts, and in HIS goodness, HE gives us what we need and long for most — a CURE for loneliness and a REAL relationship with HIM! Good for you with the counseling; I too had individual and group counseling and they were both very beneficial to me. You're in a very dark season in your life, but know that the pain won't last forever; Psalm 30:5 states, "........Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Your joy is coming! Continue to post and know that you are in my prayers.
  3. My young love

    I feel you; yesterday was a rough day for me. This is actually the second valentine day without my Charles, but it feels like the first. Last year, my mind, heart and soul was just not here. While part of my being is somewhat back, I can really feel the essence of the loss and it brought back my tsumani full force. A friend's call brought me back to reality and it helped me get through the rest of the day. Thank God for friends and knowing just the right people to send you at just the right time.
  4. Tragic loss of husband

    I am so very sorry for your loss and know your pain. For me, after losing my Charles, I literally went into shock and denial. I felt “numb,” like a spectator watching events unfold. I just didn't lose my husband, I lost my best friend, my confidant, my “knight in shining armor.” I was and felt angry; angry at the doctors and nurses who couldn’t save my Charles and even with God. I was angry at Charles for leaving you, and then felt guilty for this anger. Guilty for simply being alive when my Charles was not. Guilty for somehow not doing more to try to save him and prevent his death. While we often told each other how much we loved one another, I felt guilty for not having said good-bye. The feeling of being alone caused my mind to race to the degree that I could not sleep or think clearly. What I didn't know then was it was not unusual to experience nausea, dizziness, rashes, and weight loss. I had become irritable and listless, felt fatigued, experienced shortness of breath, and every muscle in my body ached. But as the shock began to wear off, I slowly began to accept that Charles' death was slowly become a reality. I thought, “My life will never be the same again.” “I cannot change what has happened to me.” “Oh God, what am I going to do now?” When Charles died, it changed the relationship we had with mutual friends. Those same friends we socialized with as a couple, seemed to have a difficult time interacting with me as an individual. Life without Charles is steering me in the direction of a new circle of friends, in particular, people who I met in grief support groups; perhaps because our loss is a common bond. Cope with Charles' death has made me recognize that grief is necessary; it is something you simply must work through. There are no shortcuts. It is important to express your feelings. Take time to cry. Don’t be afraid to share your tears with others. Express your anger when you feel the need. Talk openly with family members and friends; this is a time to lean on them. Some of your friends may feel awkward for awhile because they don’t know how to talk to you about your loss. Help them by simply telling them what your needs are. Don’t try to protect anyone, even children or other family members by hiding your sadness. If you normally have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it; grief is mentally taxing and you do not need the added strain of too much to do. Set aside some quiet time for yourself, time when you can think about your spouse’s death and put things into perspective. If you are worried that you are not coping well with your grief, consider talking to a grief counselor or support group to help your through your transition. You may be relieved to discover that you are reacting normally. For me, God and my faith in God has kept me from drowning. I hope you continue to post here; we all family and are here to try to help each other get through this difficult season in our lives. Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts!
  5. 100 Days

    I feel you. It's been over a year and I'm still, at times, a total mess; at times, I break down and cry uncontrollably, at times, I'm fine and can face the world with a smile; at times I feel as if the world is mine and I don't have to deal with traffic or anyone's crap. I don't have to answer calls or reply to any texts. I don't have any responsibility; no fights, no arguments, no hate, no love, no faith, or no engagement. I can just be - ME.
  6. Thanks KayC. Trying to get back to normal, but it's difficult. I need prayer.
  7. Ditto that! Nothing is right or will ever be again. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of life and merely existing, not really living. I don't know if, losing your heart, you can ever live again. I won't lie to you; losing my Charles has changed me; for the better or worst, I don't know yet. I do know that losing him is a reminder of the uncertainty this life can give. If I'm honest with myself, and learn anything from this, is we mustn't take anything for granted and love like today is our last, it just might be.
  8. I am so very sorry for your loss; my Charles also died from a massive heart attack and like you I thought if,if if only I had done or that, than perhaps I could have saved him. I wanted to blame someone, the doctors that he had visited the day before who had given him a good report; or the who got to him fairly quickly and with all their equipment couldn't save him; or the doctors and staff at the hospital who couldn't save him; and God who didn't save him, and of course myself. Someone had to be the blame, or so I thought. I had to release the need to replay the negative situation over and over again in my mind. In order for me to try to move on, I knew I needed not to remind myself of what should have, couldhave, or would have been - I simply needed to release it and slowly that's what I doing. The reality about life after losing someone so close to you is that the wrong can never be made right. It can never be fixed. Ever. Your life now is irreparably broken without your love in it will never feel a-okay again. You may experience moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and will eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. You might never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains. As much as it hurts, and it hurts like hell, I am grateful that I was able to share 44 years with a man that I loved and loved me. We all will, some day, leave this earth and for now, I'm learning to accept my life as it is; I don't judge or dramatize. I try to let life's events come freely and welcome the lessons they convey. I'm learning to stop struggling so much and let go knowing God always give me what is most appropriate to my soul. Know that you are in my prayers.
  9. Loss of a Brother

    I haven't been visiting the website lately; I recently lost my baby brother and am making final arrangements for his homegoing services which will be held tomorrow. He too died from a heart attack and brought back flashbacks of losing my Charles. My brother's body is being brought back to the city where he grew up and where the majority of family is. Keep me in your prayers.
  10. A minute and a half.

    joelvskat Oh my God, I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you feel. My husband of 45 years died of a heart attack unexpectedly and at times, am still in denial. I've lost close friends and family in the past, but losing my Charles was something I was just not prepared for; I don't think anyone is. When you lose someone you love more than yourself, you get a crash course in mortality. After Charles passed, I would lie awake night after night wondering if heaven and hell truly existed and finding all kinds of reasons to cling to my faith because I just couldn't bear to believe that Charles was not out there somewhere, a few whispered words of a prayer away. And for what it worth, and how hard it seems, you will get through this where the pain won't be so unbearable. It doesn't look like that now and you may not even want to hear it but God has truly blessed you. HE designed Kat specifically for you, put her in your life and allowed the two of to share a life and love for the ages. A lot of people can't make that claim. Because of her, you are the man you are today; never forget that. I get it, it hurts like hell, and feels so unfair and not right. Why things happen to good people, we'll never know and perhaps we are not meant to but there is a season for everything under the heavens. I think we have a choice in this and can make the best or the worst of it. I hope in the darkest season of your life, you make the best situation. I hope you live the rest of your life that would make your Kat proud and if you find that you're not, I hope God gives you the strength to start over again. Continue to post; we are all here in our darkest season trying to get through and with God 's helpp and each other, we just might be able to. Know that you are in my prayers.
  11. I stayed up really late last night, maybe subconsciously to avoid waking up to today. One year ago today, I lost my Charles. I hate that sentence. I hate the part before the comma and I certainly hate the part after the comma. I hate today. I hate the memories of a year ago today. As I slept, I reached for his hand, and it wasn’t there to hold. That startled me awake. It perfectly summarizes the beginning of year two though. The start of the second year has also caused me to pause and reflect back on my first year as a widow. (I hate that word also) I needed to identify any progress I made in order to figure out how I am going to deal with my sophomore year in grief. So here it is boiled down to ten things I learned in my first year as a widow. Survival is possible. - The first days and weeks after losing my Charles I wasn’t sure how I’d survive, or if I even wanted to. Losing him literally crumbled my foundation and the pain was unbearable at times. I look back now and see that although it wasn’t pretty, it serves as proof that I can do hard things. I got through it; mostly because I HAD to, not because of some phenomenal strength of character. But nevertheless, I survived. My Inner Circle has changed. - I really struggled with disappointment and hurt over the loss of what I thought I somehow deserved from friends. When they fell short, I felt abandoned. I’m looking back today with a little more “extra grace.” Instead of clinging to hurt, I’m recognizing with gratitude the new people that have emerged in my life. The people who are genuinely concerned about me…the people who are sincerely praying for me and selflessly wrapping me in their love, support and friendship have risen to the top like rich cream. So instead of dwelling in the hurt of relationships lost, I’m focusing on the new, beautiful people God has put on my path. I’m getting better at letting go of hurt, disappointment and negativity. I’m trying to be less selfish about the shake-up of my inner circle. The pain doesn’t lessen. - Although it’s true that maybe I cry softer and maybe even less frequently, the pain hasn’t really lessened. In many ways, it’s intensified. It’s not gone, just changed. There’s been a little bit of getting used to pain in this first year, although my heart is far from cold blooded. My wound still bleeds, but there aren’t as many new cuts. I will never be the same person again. - At the one-year mark, I’ve realized the old me is gone. She died with Charles. In her place there is emerging a new, changed person that is being discovered. She’s slightly familiar but not quite the fully recognizable me from the past. Year two is going to be about finding her and giving her what she needs. I miss him more now. - In many ways, I miss my Charles more today than I did early on. Looking in the face of year two, I see more reality than year one revealed. I see a long road ahead without him. This new truth is a very lonely one. I guess year one knew I couldn’t handle all of the revelations at once so it saved plenty for year two. Memories fade. - I was afraid this would happen, but it’s still so difficult. I still talk to Charles, still have conversations with my children about their dad and grandchildren about him, and yet lately it’s harder to remember certain things about him. When one of the grandkids asks to hear a story, my mind finds fewer stories to share. I’m sure memories will resurface at different times in life, but I want to have access to every single one at any given time. When I can’t recall something like the smell on his shirt, the sound of his voice or his laugh, it hurts. I don’t want to lose those memories, and yet, they see to have faded. Other people’s grief, loss and pain affect me greater than before. - Losing my Charles has given me new lenses. I am now keener to the pain of other grievers. When I hear of someone who has lost their child, their spouse, their parent, etc. my heart isn’t just heavy, it’s shatteres for them. My pre-widow self wasn’t able to sympathize in the same ways. The brand-new grievers with raw, fresh pain stay on my heart and in my prayers for months and months. Before, I would’ve paused, maybe attended a funeral and sent a card and then life would’ve swept me forward. Now, I think of them often. Depression is a real thing and faith is still my choice. - Other widows have warned me about year two. They’ve told me it’s worse than year one. I don’t know yet if that will be true for me, but I can tell you that my depression really set in the closer I got to year two. It’s real and it’s a suppressive joy-stealing demon. I don’t like that I need help with this, but I do. I refuse to be stifled by its grip on me, so I’ll fight it every way I know how. Depression isn’t about not having enough faith. It isn’t about choosing joy over sadness. It isn’t about digging deeper. It isn’t mind over matter. It’s a real thing, no matter how much faith you have. There’s no shame in getting help for it. And speaking of faith, it has been tested this year. I haven’t lost it; I've learned to trust HIM and HIS promises even more. But during this first year I want to admit it hasn’t been easy. At times I’ve been very lonely, angry and desperate for HIS answers. I’ve longed for a glimpse of HIS plan for me now, and I don’t have it yet. I continue to seek HIM and always will, but I wanted to confess this year has been a faith-tester, for sure. There are still moments that come out of nowhere and take my breath away. - Time doesn’t heal all wounds, and it doesn’t make the heart and mind any smarter. There’s evidence of this almost every day. Maybe it’s something the kids say or do that make me happy or proud, or maybe it’s something I’m afraid of and need help working through, and for a millisecond I think about calling Charles' name to share the moment with him or to seek his help. These swift moments are the mind trickery that continues to steal my breath away. It’s cruel how at my core I still can’t always remember that he’s gone. I’m living proof that grief amnesia is a real thing. There’s no more time for BS. - When loss cracks you wide open and leaves you raw and exposed, you quickly learn what’s worth hard work and emotional energy and what’s not. Year one has revealed there’s no room for BS and drama in my life anymore. It has taught me the importance of focusing on things that really, truly matter. I really know now how fleeting our time on earth is and I am determined to make it count. I still don’t know what the future holds for me, but I am determined to make my life matter and make my Charles proud of me. I want to love my kids and grandkids more, laugh more, help more, stand up for the weak more, hold the hands of the hurting more and appreciate the small moments more. It’s still a long road ahead, one I can’t look down for very long periods of time. Heading into year two, it’s still a very one-day at a time scenario. It will be at my own pace. Sometimes that pace will be slow and painful and sometimes I’ll surge ahead with speed. But I’ll keep moving forward, one step at a time. Thanks for being there for me this first year and I pray you will you stay with me for year two? I hope you will. We’re stronger together. Sorry for the length of this post - but it's a year's worth of memories.
  12. One Year Later - I'm still here

    The article had such a impact on me and touched me in a way of what I as feeling at that exact time. In the future I will cite the source of the article and thank you for your thoughts and prayer; I certainly welcome and need them.
  13. 1 Year

    You're 100% on point! By God's grace we survive; and by HIS grace we're on this wonderful website helping one another. HE knows exactly what we need and when we need it; and it's no accident we're here, its God grace.
  14. Eternity - Amen to that!
  15. Anger

    I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain. It's understandable that you are angry and unfortunately when something bad happens, people automatically look for someone to blame? I too wanted to blame myself, my husband, the surgeon or the hospitals and staff that cared for my husband and sometimes we want to lay blame where there wasn’t any. When something tragic happens, we automatically think there has to be a culprit, there has to be a well-defined reason, there has to be something that could have been done that would have avoided the end result? We are not in control of every minute detail of our lives. My Charles too was overweight, had heart disease and other health problems but was under a doctor's care and I saw to it that he never missed any of his appointments. The day before he passed, we had gone to the doctor and had gotten a clean bill of health and I was pretty happy about that; less than 24 hours, he was gone. We can’t account for every circumstance, every decision made by someone else, but God will lead us down every path. Yes, there are times when life is cut short by poor decisions, but trust me…God can override poor decisions. I know tragedy happens. The one thing that makes this blame game even harder on a grieving widow is the fact that we are already dealing with guilt…mind-numbing, all-consuming guilt. To this day, I continue to go over every "What-If" scenario I can think of when it comes to what I could have done differently for my Charles; and I'm beginning to believe that nothing I could have done would have had a different outcome. It is a battle that has me running to the Lord over and over again. You certainly deserve your "MAD" day; but remember while everyday may not be good, there's good in everyday. Know that you are in my prayers and I ask God to give you Hope, Strength and Peace to make it through the most darkest season in your life. Hope that it will get better, Strength to hold on until it does, and Peace to sooth your heart and soul.
  16. I feel I let my soul mate down

    Carrots I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well. Although you and Chris may have had problems, it appeared that you loved one another very much. Personally, I think LOVE is the greatest gift we can give another human being; I hope you find comfort in knowing that you both shared a special kind of love and no matter what, will always be. You are not responsible of Chris' death and because we want to blame someone, we blame ourselves. Why things happen, we will never know and perhaps we are meant to; however, we go on and endure, because we must. We will always have those memories that will always be with us. From the day I met my Charles, he turned my life upside down (in the nicest possible way) and we had the type of loving relationship that some people don’t experience in a lifetime. I didn’t know such happiness existed and we could not get enough of each other even though we were together all day every day, from the day he retired until his death. What is helping me get through this is my family, friends and faith in God. I was in such a bad way, I was encouraged to visit a one-on-one grief counselor. It helped me in such a way, I also signed up for group counseling which was just as beneficial in getting through this grief I found myself in. It's been over a year and I still cannot believe he has gone, but I'm coping little by little each day and hopefully making some progress. There are days I feel I'm living but I'm not alive. It’s as though I am in love but with no one to love. But one thing for sure, I have the memories Charles and I made and they are forever; remembering the times we spent sharing secrets, weaving dreams, healing broken hearts, laughing at silly things. Now when I look back, I realize they were the most wonderful years of my life. And while the life with Charles is behind me, the rest of my life is before me; but our memories are forever with me. Know that you are in my prayers and that God gives you the Hope, Strength, and Peace to make it through this very dark season of your life. Hope to know that it will get better; Strength to hold on until it does, and Peace to fill your heart and soul.
  17. How do I carry on now my soulmate is gone

    I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well. I lost my Charles of 45 years to a heart attack and the image of the paramedic pounding on his chest brings back haunting images and memories. It felt like it was only yesterday; I was in a daze and my world fell to pieces and while I was literally in pieces, everything and everyone around me carried on with their lives. But how could that be? How could the birds continue to sing? How could people carry on loving this life? It was like life had frozen in time and I was watching it through a movie lens; only this movie had a very, very sad ending. I didn't get a chance to live happily ever after. As the weeks and months rolled by, life becomes more real again, but you never ever forget when in that moment in time, the world stood still. I feel you, when my Charles left this earth, I too felt I just didn't know anything and this penetrating feeling that all I knew in the world was not right. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains. And rightfully so; it doesn't get any easier to live without a huge piece of my heart; it doesn’t get easier to walk this earth without your husband; it doesn’t get easier to breathe while choking on air; it doesn’t get easier to try to make new friends when you don’t have normal answers to normal questions anymore; it doesn’t get easier to try to live in the present moment while half of you is missing. It doesn’t get easier, but it becomes different— softer, at times– louder at other times. It’s like a storm. You can’t predict when it’s coming, and you can’t predict whether you’ll be able to find shelter or not. You can’t predict whether you’ll even survive. You just hold your breath, brace yourself for the impact, and hope you can find some solid ground. And while you never get over it, in time, the pain lesson somewhat and the hurt is not so sharp, but always there. And while this is perhaps the darkest chapter in your life; remember all that matters is not the first but the last chapter of your life which shows how well we run the race. I hope you continue to post here; we are like family trying to support one another as we travel this very dark journey. Know that you in my prayers and that God gives you the Hope, Strength, and Peace to make it through; Hope that it will get better; Strength to hold on until it does; and Peace to ease your mind and soul.
  18. M88 What a beautiful story of the loved you shared about your Gerry; because we are hurting so, many of us will concentrate on the death and not the love; you did and I commend you on that. I lost my Charles of 45 years a little over a year ago and didn't know how I could go on without him. There have been many people throughout my life whom I've lost and Charles was always there to lift me up from the low I was in. Now that he is gone (that still sounds strange to say), I don't have that someone to pull me up and that makes me so very sad; however I remember all the good times Charles and I had together, the love, the laughter, how we pulled together through hard times and most of all the feelings we shared with one another - no one and nothing will ever change that. I've learned that when you get to the end of your lives together, the house you had won't matter, the cars you drove wont' matter, the things you possessed won't matter; what will matter is the loved you shared for one another and that you had him and he, you. The greatest gift you can give someone is love and I am so glad that Charles knew how much he was loved before leaving this world. And me, being with a man who loved me until the day he left this world is comfort to my soul and when we meet again (and we will), the love will continue for all eternity.
  19. 1 Year

    Ditto that! Memories are the grieving mind’s invitation to remember, rather than to forget and remembering special days and occasions puts the fact of losing someone so dear into perspective. We remember that it was a week ago, a one month or a year ago, and that provides a framework, a chronological context in which we can place an event that still seems unreal and unimaginable. These small milestones give us another opportunity to revisit the event in order to believe the unbelievable and accept the unacceptable a little more fully. We dread it, realizing that tears we thought and even hoped were behind us, are still with us and will swell again, and that the loneliness of missing that very special person will rise to the surface. I don't think we ever escape the impact of those milestone dates; they are unavoidable simply because they are reminders of the life we loved and lost. The only choice is whether we will control the grief or whether we will allow the grief to control US. Avoidance does not work well; just when we least expect it, grief taps us on the shoulder and consumes us once again. We may even get through a day or two quiet well, but the grief attack will occur a day or so earlier, or a week or two later. Accepting our loss and desperately trying not let it devour us will be accomplished by working at it, not by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Milestones in our grief serve as an opportunity to take stock; to see where the time and circumstance has led; to review some lessons and plan what is ahead. And if nothing else, they serve to remind us that we have made it thus far, and that in itself is a milestone, worth celebrating.
  20. Lost

    I am so very sorry for your loss and the shock you must be experiencing. I know you weren't prepared for this, nobody is. You lose someone you love more than you love yourself and you think you won't make it through or if you really want to; I certainly did. I was so broken and sad, I literally shut down and for a moment, I felt I didn't exist. Losing your spouse is the ultimate marriage crisis and one of the most stressful events you will ever have to experience. One day you are married. The next day you are a widower, alone and grieving. Nothing is forever. And you go through all of the emotions; the shock, loneliness, anger, confusion, fear, a broken heart, and depression . It's very painful and can get even more painful before it starts to get better; after all, your entire life just changed in a matter of minutes. So if you need to cry, cry, it helps and for me is a healing device. With the lost of someone so dear, pain is necessary and so are tears - I think of them as sort of "emotional first-aid." One of the true ways to mourn your loved one is to take care of the living who belong to them. That means, as hard as it is, you must take care of yourself during this difficult time; physically and mentally. Loss isn’t past tense; it’s always present. Always with us. When my Charles died, I came face to face with mortality; the ugly reality of life. Something I always knew but never wanted to see. I’ve experienced the deaths of family, friends and acquaintances but no loss, no ache, nothing at all could prepare my heart for losing my Charles. I have traveled through it all and felt nothing made any sense. Still nothing has ever jolted me, halted me, stopped me in my tracks, like losing my Charles. Being a strong believer in God, my faith did falter following Charles death because I felt God was punishing me. After much prayer I realized HE wasn't. HE was preparing me; HE prepares us for things that we do not see coming. HE doesn't want us to stay wounded; we are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and to help each other move though the many painful episodes of our lives. I think in all HIS wisdom, through our wounds, we enter the hearts of one another teaching us to become compassionate and wise. Because your husband affected each of you differently, each of you will mourn him differently and that's OK. Take all the time you need to heal you emotionally. Moving on doesn't take a day; it takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self. I hope you continue to post here; we're like family trying to help one another along the horrible journey. The journey may be long, dark and freighting, but the goal is in each step we take. Know you are in my prayers.
  21. My painful truth!

    sunflowerlove I am so sorry for your loss and just reading your post brought me to tears. It's been just over a year since I lost my Charles and I find myself still having my "missing him" moments. Losing someone so dear to you can have a way of changing you, I’ve found. It may not happen all at once, but when you look back to that day, when you look back to that moment in time, you might realize a marker was placed in your life. A marker that will forever remind you of before and after Scott , and the person you become in the after may look different than the person who was there before. Losing Scott may have made you angry and bitter. Not always, and not every day. But when I look at couples cherishing a moment, a loved one I can no longer share a moment with, I feel angry because I can’t do the same. It doesn’t seem fair. I would beg and plead and give just about anything for one more moment with my Charles; but I can’t because he is gone. Losing someone has a way of changing you. And the crazy thing about losing someone that is a part of you is the loss will always be missing. No matter what, my family feels is always achingly incomplete and the wrong can never be made right. It can never be fixed. Ever. My life is irreparably broken without my Charles and will never feel a-okay again. Sure it will have moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and perhaps I'll eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. You might never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains. You may have a hard time imagining how life can go on without your loved one. But it does. Time is a funny thing. It stops for no one. Some days you might float above water, and your whole body will feel the glorious feeling of air hitting your skin above water– sun on your face– wind in your hair. Those are the very good days of grief, of life after loss. Over time there might be more of them, so embrace them when they come. And eventually, the sad days start to pass. But the sadness lingers. It just chooses a different way of showing itself. You may become more sensitive to sadness. Sometimes it might feel like you seek sad things out, but perhaps they seek you out. Losing someone so close can make you question the good. It can make you wonder why you were chosen, why your loved one was chosen. Why me? Why now? Why do bad things happen to good people? You’ll likely never get an answer, but you may always wonder. The thought always lingers there in the back of your mind. It can grow quieter with time, but on the days when you miss your loved one more than anything, it roars like a lion and you will want to roar right back. You may not have even thought you were capable of being a lion, but losing someone so dear has a way of changing you and you never see the world the same way again. Know that you are in my prayers and I hope God gives you the strength to get through this difficult journey and the peace that heals your soul and mind.
  22. You have had a lot on your plate losing both your mother and husband in the same month and it will take time for you to heal. Sometimes you may think things are going along and everything seems to be OK. Then out of nowhere, grief hits full force. Some might call them set backs, but perhaps they are just part of the grieving process. Unfortunately there are no short cuts through grief. We must experience it in all its raw emotion and messiness. Allow yourself the freedom to feel good on the good days, and feel bad on the bad days. Eventually the bad days become fewer and fewer and hope will shine through and you will become stronger from the experience. It’s hard enough to cope with one death, but when multiple deaths occur at the same time or in close succession it can be extremely overwhelming and the shock may lead to even greater grief. Hold on to family and friends because they can be invaluable when trying to cope with the death of more than one loved one; ultimately you will need to work through this grief in order to truly survive the trauma. We as human beings are incredibly resilient and I for one believe that much of our recovery depends on our own decisions to try and find meaning in the lives our loved ones shared with us and how we are better persons because of them. I think the best love to have for someone is that kind that awakens the soul; plants fire in the heart and bring peace to the minds. I hope you felt that kind of love from your mom and husband and you honor them by making the most of every minute of the precious life you still have on this earth. Strangely enough, I think they both would want you to. Know that you are in my prayers and you are never alone on this terrible journey. We are here for you, but most importantly, God is here for us all.
  23. 1 Year

    I know what you're feeling - it was one year December 6 that my Charles left this earth and it still feels unreal; but somehow you manage to deal with it. After my Charles passed away, I felt as if I could hardly breathe. I became anxious, nervous and extremely depressed. I didn’t know how to stop my dive into the depths of despair, as I missed my husband and tried to make sense of the loss. He was really gone and never coming back, period, end of story. But I was still here, fading, more and more each day. We do learn to "get through it" because that's the only option we have. Every year in widowhood we are exposed to new highs and lows. One of the worst things anyone said to me when I was a new widow was that the second year would be harder than the first. I almost fainted on the spot. Here I was, plowing along with almost no sleep, feeling as tight as a watch spring, afraid I didn't have the strength to get through another week alone...and she says things were going to get worse instead of better after the first year? I just knew she had to be kidding! I don't think she was. The other day I read a message on another site about how unfair it seems that things don't improve after the first year of widowhood. The person wrote, that "We have made it through anniversaries, birthdays and holidays for twelve months, and we may be getting more used to not having our spouse or partner around. We have learned to do a lot of new things to make up for their absence. Probate is finished, if no one has challenged the Will. We should feel better after this, but we don't. Every widow I know told me the second year was worse than the first." Another post read, "Amen, my friend...I thought that after the first year it would be better, but I found year two worse." "I thought I was so strong and handling things well, just periodically sad and teary." Now she said she was finding that "Life doesn't stand still and wait for us. There always gonna be new decisions, and responsibilities to take care of. The more I think about it, I agree; the second year can be worse (in some ways). I'm willing to bet not one of us would wish to go back through the scary Hell of those first few weeks. But what a comeuppance, to be improving and getting stronger, and looking forward to the one-year mark, and we find...what? The Second Year Slump! I agree we all probably expected that first anniversary to be a celebration of survival, and...the end of grief? It is a relief to know we don't have to go through all those "firsts" again, but suddenly we realize that "life alone" has just begun. I sank into depression shortly after the first anniversary. I wondered why I couldn't just get on with my life. I finally concluded that the first year was all about "me, me, and ME." Would I make it? Would I get through all the fears and uncertainties? Would I have any friends left? Would I have any money left? The second year arrived with a big thud! "Never mind YOU," my mind said. "It is time to fully face the loss of Charles and your life together." I felt so terribly sad and lonely. It really sank in that he wasn't coming back. I realize now that I had put him on a shelf for safekeeping that first year, so I could busy myself jumping through hoops and over the hurdles of simple survival. Now it was time to pay the piper. We, as widows need to educate our friends and relatives about this second year phenomenon, so they don't abandon us when we most need them. Widows have to do most grief work alone, it's true, but our support system needs to stand by...just in case we get in over our heads. Depression itself can be frightening, debilitating, even dangerous. So we need our friends, neighbors, family members, doctor and counselor to know what to watch for as we negotiate these new pitfalls. I definitely miss my Charles' incredible sense of humor, his bear hugs, the comfort of his presence even if he was just watching TV. I wished I had been sweeter to him and overlooked petty differences that didn't mean diddly. What I really need is for him to hold me and comfort me now, as I began working through this life without him. There had been some sense of success as I moved through the other stages but, I didn't want to do this one alone. I need him more than I ever had, even when he was alive. Since his death, I felt abandoned, and I knew it wasn't likely to get better for a long, long time. But, after a few months, the sun peeked in and I knew someday I would be whole again, somehow, someday. Until then, I'll hold on; because he would have wanted me to - sure - but because I need to. Hugs to those of us who are going through "the second year slump!"
  24. Cb

    I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine your pain. Losing a loved one from natural causes is never easy; however, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss. I think people who die by suicide don't necessarily want to end their lies, they just want to tend their pain; and being a victim of their own mind, can be easy for them to do. Losing a partner is always difficult so expect to experience all kinds of emotions; and with grief, you will have intense ups and downs and everything in between; the healing process is always hard, but going through a suicide death makes the healing process even more challenging. Grieving is important and necessary. You've lost your husband and your world has been torn apart; grieving is the process that helps put it back together. I know of the black hole you refer to because I was there and felt the same as you. But know that you can somehow get through it, it won't be easy and will definitely take sometime, but you eventually will climb out of it. I was there where you are, wearing that mask around family and friends, trying to hide what I was really going through, and you know what - in my opinion, was the wrong thing for me to do. Life is too short to hide your feelings so don't be afraid to say what you feel.What can certainly help is reaching out to friends, family, and supportive others when you want to talk or need distraction; but if you feel as if you're losing all control, and worried that you aren't coping, perhaps it is time to seek professional help. It is said that time heals all wounds; I don't know if it does or not - I'm not there yet. I do know that as time goes on, your grief will diminish somewhat. It won't be so intense or unbearable; but it does not mean you will forget your husband, it means you accept the death and will no longer enjoy his physical presence. But he will still be part of your life. Even though your relationship with your husband has forever have changed, its existence and your feelings live on forever. I don't know what the year 2018 will bring or have in stored any of us; no one knows what the future will bring, but I know who holds my future - God Almighty. And as long as I'm in HIS hands, I'm sure I'll be alright! My prayers are with you and I hope this year brings you peace.