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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by Francine

  1. Sudden cardiac death

    Whenever you are ready, know that we are always here. Know that you are in my prayers.
  2. Will it ever get better?

    I am so sorry for both you losses; and to lose such close persons in your life in a relatively short period of time, must be beyond devastating. I don't think things get better; they get different in time. You'll survive; that's the first thing they tell you after you lose someone. And you know what, they're right. In time, you will find a way to pick up the pieces and move on. What they don't mention is survival and happiness aren't always the same thing. Just breathe and know you will survive this. I strongly believe in God and faith and I know that HE will never leave us. Life has thrown much our way and despite how difficult things are, we will survive. You won't ever be the same; that person is forever gone. You'll be different, perhaps even alien. What I do is just breathe, and trust God. As hard as it will get, (and it will get hard); no matter how hopeless things seem; don't give up, keep pushing forward. Sometimes when I feel like I'm drowning, I don't worry because my lifeguard walks on water.
  3. I have to believe we'll me again

    Good for you and I think he would like that. I don't think he's upset with you; he's in a different realm where there is no sorrow; only perfect peace - can you imagine that? - a place where we are aiming to get to. I don't think our love one wants us to be upset; on the contrary, they want us to live the rest of our existence to the fullest. And as hard as it is to do, I think we honor them when we do. I know one day I'll see my Charles again and it will be forever; won't have to ever worry about separating again. I'm looking forward to that.
  4. He died in my arms

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I know the pain you are experiencing. Losing someone is difficult enough, but when cancer takes them away, at such an early age, is devastating; coupled with being pregnant is double devastating. I'm sorry for the loss of your child; I too have had several miscarriages and know the mental pain that followed. The only difference was I had my Charles to comfort me and I don't know if I could have made it through without his love and compassion. I admire your attitude and, Yes, you are lucky; lucky to have had 12 years with the man of your heart; lucky to have a super close family and great friends and a loyal animal. Lucky to have that inner strength he left you with. Yeah, I'd say you're quite lucky and blessed; so here's what I suggest you do -- Count your blessings, instead of your troubles; count your smiles instead of your tears; count the love you shared, not the loss and finally, count on God instead of others. My Charles was my heart; ever since we met, I knew it was something special. The way we talked and laughed around one another was different than anyone else. He didn't speak to my flesh, but my spirit. I knew he was God-sent and the loved we shared will last my lifetime. I think most people search their whole lives to find what I had. Charles was not the best looking or funniest, or no where near the richest man, but he was the one that made me feel gorgeous, hilarious and like a million dollars. He made sure I knew he loved me and for that I was the lucky one. He lived the rest of his life loving me and sometimes I feel I'll spend the rest of my life loving and grieving him. Should it be that way? I don't know, but grieve, I will. You're lucky for the positive impact he had on your life and the joy he brought you even if it was for a shot time. Because of him, you are the person you are today. Life is change and loving people will come and go; all we can do is accept it and move forward; we have no other choice accept to live the rest of our lives knowing it is what they would have wanted and living it to its fullest for ourselves and them. I do hope you continue to post; we all here are going through the same journey as you and know your pain. God has put us here, at this time, and place for a reason; to help one another - do doubt - but more than that - to learn from one another. Scripture, 1 Thessalonians 5:11 states, "Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you are doing".
  5. I have to believe we'll me again

    So true. God might have taken something from us; but HE will never leave us empty handed; that's for sure. HE doesn't waste anything we go through; HE uses it to get us prepared for where HE's taking us. HE definitely is my strength.
  6. I have to believe we'll me again

    I feel you; actually I believe a part of us did go with them and a part of them stayed with us. I know it's hard and where all the confusion might consume you; I too lost faith for a while and perhaps that's normal - I don't know; but I'm glad I found it. As hard as it is now, I MUST still believe in God; what else do I have. God said HE will never leave or forsake us, even in our lowest, loneliest moments. Through God, what we don't have, we will gain; what we gain, we lose; what we lose we regain. This life is a cycle of gaining and losing and with faith and trust in God, for me, what I've lost will be replaced; in a different package, perhaps, but enough to make me whole again. Scripture states in Matthew 17:20, "I tell you the truth. If you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain Move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." God knows exactly what we are going through; HE sent HIS only son to go through this human experience and HE will give you the strength to make it though this. You got my prayers - always. I think, for me anyway, that is whats keeping me above board and continuing. Hang in there; we got you, but God has us all.
  7. I have to believe we'll me again

    I am so sorry for your loss; it sounds so sad and yet so beautiful. Sort of like a fairytale but without the *Happily Ever After* ending that we all want. I know all the emotions you are experiencing and know its only natural. Try remembering the love, not the loss. Be grateful that you knew him if only for a short time, than not at all. I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving my Charles than to never have seen his face, spoken his name, felt his arms around me, his lips touching mine. I would have rather been his, and he mine, regardless. Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights and the years I will walk this earth without him, I know I will carry him forever within my heart until I too take my last breath and we're together again. Things will get better at some point, even if you don't see it now. Perhaps better is not the right world to use - things will get *different*. Take the time to grieve your loved one, you owe it to yourself and there's no time limit; but know that you'll never really stop grieving - it just won't be so frequent and severe. As time passes, it will lesson and the sting won't be so deadly sharp. There are no rules to this grief thing. You can change or stay the same; you can make the best or the worst of it. I certainly hope you make the best of it and I hope, in time, you will see things differently; I hope you experience things you never felt before; meet people with a different point view and live a life you (and your loved one) would be proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope God gives you the strength to start over again. We don't know what our future holds, but we know who holds our future - God. Losing someone so dear to us is the most difficult thing there is; sometimes the endings are not what we want or we want things on our time. But it's not our time - It's God Time. According to scripture, Ecclesiates 3:2-4, states "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; ..........a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. This earth is not our home and we all will make our transition someday. We will be reunited with our loved ones and this time will be eternal. No more death. God words are true. Scripture, Revelation 21:4 states, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” My prayer is for God to give you HIS love, strength, and Peace to help you get through this most difficult time in your life. HE will, open your heart and watch what HE does.
  8. Sudden cardiac death

    My words exactly. All I can say is Amen!
  9. Sudden cardiac death

    They are, and I can only speak on losing my husband through death. Knowing I'll never see him (in good times and bad); knowing we'll never be able to communicate; knowing I can never hold him, or kiss him again is unimaginable. They say that time helps lessen the pain, but I hurt now, and I want the "fix" now. The issue is there is no magic cure for this kind of pain. What we're going through is a "trial" that's going to test us. It's going to hurt like hell and it's going to feel like ****, and not everyone manages to get through it, and none of those who do will get through it unscathed. My Charles was my reason for being, that much is clear from my posts. With him gone, I'm lost, don't know what to do, where to turn, don't know what's supposed to come next. I know that part of what I'm feeling is a fear of the unknown, because all that I have known has changed, and will never be the same. Perhaps the fact that I'm scared may suggest that I still want to go on; not just for myself, but for Charles as well; even with all the pain I'm going through. Perhaps, somewhere, deep down, I do have a reason to live, even if I can't pinpoint what that is quite yet. The best thing any of us can do is hold onto that knowledge and use it to push through to the next day. - Or perhaps, I just rambling - who knows - a prime example of grief. Sometimes, I think that living for the sake of living might seem pointless, but if our husbands cared about us as half as much as we care about them, I guarantee you they'd want us to go on and try to find a reason to be happy again. I'd also like to end with another thought in the same vein as this. For me, I know my Charles loved me and when I think about that, then I don't need those 5 extra minutes with him. I can't speak for him obviously, but the fact that our devotion for one another was so great, I know I can hold on until we see each other again - and we will. Won't that be glorious.
  10. Sudden cardiac death

    Losing someone so dear is devastating at any age, but losing someone so young, seems unreal. My Charles and I retired and had (or so we thought) our golden years in front of us; but now I don't know what to do. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing is worth it without him. I've been trying to desperately find some miracle cure by talking to people. People talk to me.. say things to me; and in a way, their words give me hope for a second or two and then leaves me down in the bottomless darkness pit again. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. It seems as if I'm mad at anything and everything because anger numbs the pain. But the pain just haunts me. What I need is 5 more minutes with my husband; Just 5 minutes to say all that's in my heart and to hear him tell me what to do. That he loves me, that he will wait for me somehow. Tell me, how do you go on breathing when the life has gone out of you? Do you honestly think it's worth living a life without the one person that gave meaning to life?
  11. How to get through the day...

    I'm so sorry for your loss and can relate to some of the health issues you went through with your husband. My Charles would have turned 65 years on his birthday last May and I was truly blessed to have had 45 years with him. While my Charles didn't suffer with cancer, he had other health conditions such as diabetes, dialysis and he also had a defibrilator pacemaker implant as well. He saw his doctors on a regular basis and if he was in pain, he never let on. This was the life God had given us and we ready to deal with it as long as we were together - and that's exactly what we did. We had our daily routines and was content living out our lives - together. The day he made his transition was the day I made mine; only they didn't bury me. The day my Charles stopped breathing, was the day my world went dark; the day my world stopped; it froze in time and is still frozen. And the weird thing is life actually went on. When you're faced with a tragedy so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow the world keeps turning and the seconds just keep ticking. Odd, don't you think? People die everyday and the world goes on like nothing happened. But when it's a person that meant the world to you, you think everyone should stop and take notice. They should cry with you, light candles in your loved one's honor and tell you that you're never alone. But it doesn't work that way. After my Charles memorial service was over, things began to grow quiet; the phone wasn't ringing as much as it was, and fewer people are stopping by to check in on me. Charles' death continued to become more of a reality. And the very thought of facing my life over the next few weeks and months filled me with loneliness and a sense of dread. It all felt like way too much to deal with; but I knew that somewhere down the line I was going to be OK; somehow, someway. This can and probably be a slow process; so be prepared for the “long haul”. This is the time when we need someone who we can lean on and I'm so happy for you that you have that support system in your friend. I have a best friend like that and I often think of her like a fairytale. She's been there since *Once upon a time* and will be there until, *Forever After*. Know that you are in my prayers and I ask that God gives you HIS peace; HIS love; and HIS strength to get you through this difficult time in your life. HE will, just open your heart to HIM and watch what happens.
  12. Want to share my experience.

    I am so sorry for your loss and do feel your pain just from reading your post. I've come to realize that nothing in life prepares us for losing someone we love - nothing. I felt so much like you're feeling now when my Charles made his transition and I think we have all blamed ourselves in one way or another - it's natural. It's been going on a year for me and it's still so difficult. I used to wake up everyday and grieve him; now I wake everyday and know that a part of me is missing. You're so fresh in this grief and it may feel that you will never be rid of it. You're suffering and very sad; perhaps not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of a sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty; making you feel weak and tired. You are unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. And yet, you can't sleep because there's sadness in your dreams also. It's almost like a sadness you can't escape. And I don't think you ever escape it; you learn to live with it. I’m certain the “progress” of moving through the uncharted waters of grief after such a loss is immeasurable; it’s one step forward, four steps back. It’s treading water, with your head slightly above, until you’re not. It’s swimming along, then drowning without notice. It’s not linear; there is nothing linear about grief. Whether in a day, a month, or in the course of a couple years– grief is not linear. You'll think you're sailing through it OK and then all of a sudden – SMACK– out of nowhere grief beats the crap out of you. It will strip you bare; show you things you don't want to know; that loss never ends; that there isn't a moment when you are all done; that you can't neatly put it away and move on - that just won't happen. In time, it will become softer over time; more gentle. The best we can do is feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. That a girl - You will survive; it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I think if you want to truly honor your love one, go out in the world and live your absolute Best and Brightest. Make the most of the loved you shared and let that love shine for all to see. Remember the good times, the devotion, the laughter - everything that made him special. This strength you refer to is within us all and it doesn't come from what we can do; on the contrary, it comes from overcoming the things we think we can't do. I'm praying that God gives you HIS love, strength and peace to get through this most difficult time. Know we on this website are always here for you and one another.
  13. Want to share my experience.

    Hey you - You always knew the right words to say; your words have and always were so healing and uplifting. You truly have a gift. I had gone from the computer and was feeling pretty low, thinking and missing Charles - I was hitting rock bottom and the tsunami had hit. I turned on the TV to see if there was anything that would keep my interest and help me from drowning in my own tears. Flipping through the channels, I ran across Joel Osteen and wondered what the topic he was commenting on. Low and behold, he was talking about the power of words and how they could uplift people at their lowest moments; how our words have creative power and how they can build up or tear down. He talked about how our words can bring victory or defeat and the affects on our future. How words speak life and encouragement, or strife and division. When we speak Gods Word we set into motion the very thing we declare. I return to the computer and what do I find? A post from you with encouraging words. No coincidence, no fluke - God! Thanks for the words Andy, I needed them. And you know what, I do believe I'll get there; not today, or tomorrow, but someday, somehow.
  14. Want to share my experience.

    I am so happy to hear from you and know that you are doing well. I wish I could be so lucky; guess I'm not there yet. You see, I haven't decided who I want to be; I've always been (for the last 45 years) Charles' wife and I loved it. I believe at different junctures in our lives, we are given the opportunity to reinvent ourselves and this is probably one of those times; but I don't know; I'm confused, troubled; worried. I no longer have to be accommodating to another person; perhaps I'm just still suffering. What I have done (and one might say, it's moving forward) is taking charge of my personal finances; perhaps because I had no other choice. I'm learning to rely on myself; trust my judgement; ask for advice when necessary, decide what is and what is not important, how I want my home to be, to look and it's a lot to take in - but I try to use the information to make your own decisions. Coming up on a year since Charles made his transition, I feel lonelier than ever, but seeing that another relationship is simply out of the question or me, lonely is an emotion I'm willing to accept. Oh, I still have my children; grandchildren; siblings; and my church family - I'm OK with that. I've been married for so long, for decades and I don't consider myself anything but. It's hard to think of myself as a widower or single person. It's hard to think of myself as a total person - for 45 years, I was his other half and he was mine. How can you turn that around in a year? People tell me that I am embarking on a new great adventure - *me*. It's all to overwhelming - I feel excited, as well as scared, anxious and sad. Andy, I'm genuinely happy for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for this second year of grief. They say it is a time to reclaim my life and refocus on a *new* me way of life; time to reinvent myself and grow in new directions. I'll be the first to tell you, I'm scared. As you know, I am a true believer in faith and God and I believe we are not suppose live our lives in pain and sorrow; it just not what God has in store for us. HE wants us to live a full and happy life even though we miss and long for what we've lost. HE wants us to remember and honor our loved one while also embracing the beauty and fullness of the life we still get to live. It’s about the brilliance of our love and the shadow of our loss coexisting in this complex and expansive experience we call living. Again, you are truly bless with uplifting words for all of us here on this website and I'm so glad to hear from you again. Don't be a strangee and know that my prayers are always with you.
  15. Question

    That is adorable. Check out the one below: Teacher to his 3 grade class: Teacher: Can you see God? - Class: NO Teacher: Can you Touch God? - Class NO Teacher: Then there isn't a God Student Raises his hand: Student: Sir, Can you see your brain? - Teacher: NO Student: Can you touch your brain? - Teacher: NO Student: So OK, you don't have a brain. For me, as an adult, I stand up for God no matter what!
  16. I can't believe it's been six months...

    6-months was a milestone for me as well; I think that was when it was sinking in that my Charles was NOT coming back to me. It simultaneously meant both everything and nothing to me. (sounds crazy -doesn't it?) Everything because it was the longest six months of my life and I never felt so many emotions so intensely. Nothing because, looking back, I can’t believed six months passed so quickly and so much of it feels like a blur. Everything because my whole outlook on life changed. Nothing because I felt so powerless and I understood that I had no real control over the future. Everything because it was the longest period of time we were ever apart. Nothing because I’ve started to understand that time is a measure that holds little value in grief. Everything because I can’t believe how much our families and friends have gone through in that time. Nothing because I suspect that what we’re going through hasn’t even started yet. Honestly, I spent today missing him, and that is probably how I'll spend tomorrow, and the day after that and all the days after that. No let up in sight. It's how my days start and finish these days. Will I ever stop - Nope - not in a million years. It's now become a part of my being. My Charles and I were together for nearly 45 years and on occasion would speak on the subject of what would happen if one made the transition before the other. He always thought he'd go before me and said he'd want it that way; he emphasized that if I was taken first, he would just die. That hurt me hearing him say that - I told him I would want him to live the rest of his life to the fullest and he said the same for me. Needless to say, we decided to alleviate any hurt on the surviving spouse, we'd just go together. That was not the case. Now as I think about it, and as much as it hurts me, I've come to realize that God knows what is best for me and for us all. It's not MY will be done, it's *HIS Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven*. God doesn't work according to our timing; HE doesn't operate according to our schedule or plans. HIS ways are so much greater than our own. Charles and I were and will forever remain *soulmates*. Nothing can change or erase that; not even death. To me that means, an ongoing connection so strong, one that draws you to one another in a way you have never or will ever experience again. That soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness to you. An individual that the soul picks up in various times and places over lifetimes. An attraction at the *soul* level; not because that person was our unique compliment, but because by being with that soul, we are somehow provided with a force to become whole ourselves. Sending prayers up to the heavens for you.
  17. The love of my life died.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well. Death of a love one in itself is unbearable, but add the feeling of betrayal with it, and it can be beyond heartbreaking. Love can be strange, in the sense that it can be the happiest thing ever but also cause the most pain; and yet everyone needs it. I believe some souls have a way of connecting with one another without knowledge; that's why you can meet someone for the first time, have some challenges; perhaps split for a while; but inside you just know that together is where you should be and know it from the first time you meet. I know as a women, we are creatures of love and commitment and want our mates to be the same. When they are not, or we feel they have not, we become angry, bitter and hurt. But in order to grow, we must forgive. Forgiveness is a strange thing and it is sometimes easier to forgive our enemies than our friends and hardest of all to forgive those we love the most. Forgiving those who wronged us is a mark of spiritual strength; when you forgive you grow and when you grow, your heart begins to heal. Forgive him not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. Don't ever expect to get all your "Why" questions answered; that just won't happen, not now anyway; and perhaps we are not meant to know why. No man (or women for that matter) is perfect; but if he was kind and thoughtful and the love you shared with each other was that *special" kind of love, than that is all that really mattered. Things happen, in accordance to God's Will, for a reason; and that reason causes change. Sometimes it hurts; sometimes is hard; but in the end, it for the best and again, it's God Will. I truly hope you continue to post; we are all here on this horrific journey for a reason; to help encourage and uplift one another - sure thing; but more than that - to learn valuable lessons. We learn something through everyone that passes through our lives. Some lessons are painful; some are painless, and some are priceless. I pray that God gives you HIS love, HIS strength and HIS peace.
  18. Question

    I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of you on this website and how much you've filled my spirit with your kind words and uplifting posts. You've probably seen my posts on this before, but it never ceases to amaze me how God sends us the right people at the right time with the right words and messages. Thank you again. You've made my day.
  19. Question

    I feel you. Some days are worse than others. The anniversary of my Charles passing is fastly approaching and I too am getting all kinds of emotions. One of the strongest of these is loneliness, and boy am I coming to know it too well. Empty feelings throughout my entire body makes me sick at the power and strength it has on my thoughts. It's one of the world's greatest tools of destruction and the best attack on our minds making us believe we are alone and no one cares anything about us. But what counteracts that for me is learning that I'm never lonely if I'm truly living with God. We are never lonely believing HE created, cared, cares and saved us. With God in our hearts, how can we ever be lonely? It is impossible to be lonely with God by our side. Has anyone ever written of being lonely in Heaven? I think not! I too still get those days that I feel as if I'm suffocating, but I've come to realize that God is always there when no one else is.
  20. Lost and Alone

    I am so sorry for your loss - just hearing your post brings back so many thoughts I had when my Charles made his transition. I lost my Charles, the love of my life of 45 years nearly a year ago and all I have done since he passed away is half sleep and cry. At least, that is how it seems. I have family in the area, but sometimes I am sure I'm depressing company. Aside from my children who have their own lives, and my young grandchildren, I just feel that life will never have meaning for me again. I ache for my Charles everyday, and I still reach for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him often, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back (but I sense, or want to believe) he hears me. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back - not on this earth, anyway. How does one get past this grief? Step by step; little by little, moment my moment; day by day, month by month, so forth and so on. While we all must die, I honestly didn't see this coming, and was completely unprepared for this kind of loss. I couldn't believe it happen, not to me, certainly not now. My Charles still had a lot of living still to do, or so I thought. I felt that it was unfair that I was still able to be in this world having positive experiences while he was gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected. For me, it hasn't gotten better, definitely different. The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. With that said, for me, I found bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. I felt a sense of connection because they allowed me to see other people living with the same kind of loss I was experiencing. I felt a sense of hope in their conversations and saw hope in their eyes. It made me feel realize that perhaps if the people in my group sessions could make it through their losses, there was hope for me as well. Those sessions are a forum for brainstorming coping techniques while sharing some of the ways to move toward healing. If you consider a group and it feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble and are not ready to open up to a group, you might consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, not today, probably not tomorrow, or next week, next month and perhaps not even next year, but you will heal to some degree and we are all here with you wishing you all the best in your process. Faith can sometimes falter in situation like these, mine certainly did. I was mad at God and the world, but I've learned. I've learned to accept HIS will even if I don't agree with it, condone it, appreciate it, or accept what happened. It means regardless of what happened, I know HE has something bigger for me. It means that with HIM, I'm going to be OK and continue to be OK. It means trusting in HIM, when doubt within me tells me not to. We are all here to die; this earth is not our true home; but death is not the end; quite the opposite - it's the beginning to a new world, and everlasting life; one where love, joy, great happiness and peace are the norms. God knows our sorrow; and has lived it through HIS son, Jesus Christ. HE knows our pain and sufferings. Revelations 21:4 states, "HE will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying, or pain. For the old order of things has passed away". God doesn't stop the bad things from happening in our lives; that's never been part of the promise; the promise is that HE will be with us now and until the end of time. I know you are hurting and my prayer is that God gives you HIS love, strength and peace to get through most difficult time in your life. Know that you are and will continue to be in my prayers. Continue to post; we are all on this lonesome journey together and will get through it, somehow, someway.
  21. Question

    You literally said it all - I'll only add AMEN!
  22. Question

    I respectfully have to disagree with you. You just don't know your worth on this website. I can remember my first post to this website and how terribly low and sad I felt. I can also remember how some of my posts were taken out of context. Well, if not for you and KayC, I was considering leaving this site; well I'm glad I didn't. And not just me, so many others on this site have benefited from your encouragement and guidance. Your words and post are so uplifting and positive to me and many others. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT! I always look forward to reading them and am always inspired by them. I feel you; I've never wanted pity from people, so I might lead them to believe I'm better than what I really am. But at night, the real *me* comes out, and she's a mess. Believe me, I know the life. But works for me is prayer; sometimes sobbing uncontrollably or even screaming, constantly asking God for strength. And you know what, after a time, I feel a peace that covers me and I'm OK again - that is until my next breakdown. Hang in there girl, You know you're always in my prayers and thoughts!
  23. Question

    Same here - it's unfortunate that any of us should be here but I am so thankful for a forum where we can be ourselves and share our most intimate thoughts of losing someone so near and dear to us. I'll go one further; my belief is that we can't force a connection and we don't meet people by accident; it's not a fluke, or coincidence or luck. We are meant to cross paths for a reason. Once we go through this dark time, God, in all HIS infinite glory, puts the right people, at the right time, under the right circumstances with the right words or message, to help us along this horrific journey. While God sometimes allow tragedy to enter into our lives, it is never HIS intent for us to go through these difficult times alone.
  24. Seeing a medium?

    I don't know why some of us have signs and others don't. We long to know that our loved ones are OK somewhere out there. We all miss their presence felt though a hand held; a voice heard or a smile seen. When two souls fall in love, it's forever. Our souls do not have calendars nor clocks or do they understand the notion of time and distance. They only know it is right to be with one another and that is the reason why you miss them so much and feel so heartbroken and lonely. Our soul only feels their absence, it doesn't realize the separation is temporary. For me, I know my Charles' soul is fine. I am a Christian and believer in faith. There is a perfect peace that comes when I place my trust in my God. There is peace knowing that I am secure in HIM and that no matter what threatens me, I can run to HIM, find shelter and safety. I pray that you too find the peace in your soul and know that one day, the two of your souls will meet again, only this time it will be forever. Sending prayers your way!
  25. Question

    I know exactly how you feel. I too am coming up on a year since my Charles made his transition and people seem to think and have commented on how well I'm doing, but I'm not. I want people to know and not be fooled by what they think of is my seemingly positive attitude; don't be fooled by my bravado or my intellectual explanations I am doing OK. I don't want them to think that I have it together, or presume I am healing rapidly. If they truly knew how much pain I endure each day from missing him, they would wonder how I am still breathing. The truth is, I have never hurt so much in my entire life; never had such immense pain, or felt such total loss in my life. There was so much pain, I thought I had died; felt all had been lost. Feelings of the worst case scenario, magnified a thousand times. In some ways, I think I did die; so much of me was lost when my Charles passed away. Close friends and family tried to prepare me for the future without him, but I thought I knew what to expect, I didn't. So much reality of loss, I felt my life came to an end. The loss was so great and the pain so intense it dulled my reaction to reality. I think the only one way to honor, respect and demonstrate total love for our loss is to live. Live not only for ourselves but for them. For me, I'm so grateful when I realize that I would rather have known my Charles for a moment than never at all. I would rather have endured this inexplicable pain of outliving him than to never have seen his face, spoken is name, felt his arms around me or his lips touching mine. I would have rather been his and he, mine regardless - regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights, and the years I will walk this earth, carrying him in my heart. You see, we can accept our future without them; we can move forward positively, respecting the past; honoring the present and receptive to the future. We can do all these thing with the road map HE (God) has for us and as quiet as it is kept, I think they would want us to.