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Everything posted by Francine

  1. I am sorry and sometimes words are so inadequate when you lose someone that you loved so much; believe me, I know. It's strange how things happen in life; you want something and you wait and wait with great anticipation. And then it is snatch right from you and gone - forever; and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before it happened. For the short period of time you had together and it seemed he had become part of you; only to discover when he was taken from this world, he took a part of you with him and from there on out, you will never be the same person as before. Right now, you're sad, frighten, disappointed, confused and lost - and that is to be expected. Perhaps you might think you're on the brink of giving up on. You say you don't know what to do, none of us did. We took one day at a time; don't think about the future; it will take care of itself. You will make it; it will not be easy, but you will continue; not only for yourself, but for him. So you see, he's never gone - you carry him with you, as you should. When you are weak, know there's still strength in you. Yes, he maybe gone in body, but not his spirit. My faith tells me his spirit is right beside you saying, *don’t worry, I’m here*, and he is. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. The struggle you are experiencing today is developing into the strength you will need for tomorrow. My prayer is for God to give you the hope and strength to get through this horrific period in your life; Hope that things will get better for you, and the strength to hold out until it does. Continue to post, we are always here for you.
  2. You may just be right, but like my counterparts, KayC and KMB, I'd put off on the move for now. You're trying to get through this grief journey way too fast. You think you may have all the answers, but sometimes life changes the questions. Just when you think you have everything figured out, you realize we don't, not really. It's almost like the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. The next level of your life will demand a different version of you. For me, it's about trying to reach my true potential (whatever that is). Right now, I'm focused on getting though the most difficult time of my life and taking on challenges that will hopefully help me grow and get OK again. The rest is still unknown and that's OK; I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future - God.
  3. I am so sorry for your loss and feel your pain. I'm into the eight month of losing my husband, Charles, and it still feels unreal; I want to wake up from this nightmare and tell my Charles about it. Right now, you are experiencing the *emotional roller coaster* phase; when one day you're coping with this loss OK, and the next day, you're falling apart a;t the seems; unfortunately, that's normal. Do what you need to do to get through this; cry whenever you need to; scream, shout, lay on the floor, sob in the shower, be still, run, walk, create, share your fears, listen, release the pain, breathe, seek others to help you through this; forgive, love yourself. For me, it will never feel real again; not the *real* I know. Nights are the worst for me as well; its the time when the world closes up for the night; it was the time when my Charles and I would discuss the going ons of the day. Now I realize that when things happen - good or bad - and the only person I used to discuss it to is no longer here - and that is pure hell. And then I drift off to sleep; now a days, I think I'd rather sleep; when I'm sleep, Charles and are together, happy, in our own world of love and peace; but then I wake up to hell, my new reality, that I have to endure everyday, a hell where the burn and pain is unbearable. There will come a day when you will be OK again and enjoy your life. It will happen. And, just as with any loss, you won't ever forget Jake or the road you traveled to heal. Just give yourself the time and space you need in this journey to grieve, feel and heal. If you had all the answers, the journey would have no purpose. You deserve it; your loss matters and so do you. Continue to post; It is not a coincidence, fluke or accident that you are here at this date and time. You were meant to be here and we were meant to cross paths for a reason. It's happening the way God will it to be.
  4. Hey there ladies Thanks for both of your comments. Again, feeling low, and like KMB, the phone rang and not recognizing the number, I answered it with *attitude*; you know, the kind that tells you, *I really don't want to be bothered, so I'd appreciate it, if you don't waste my time*. It was a good friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a while and we talked, prayed, laughed, and cried together. She said she didn't know why she called me, but did. I know why she called, God saw I needed someone right at that time and space and made it happened. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, It is amazing how God brings the right people into our lives at the right time. People who support, love and pray for us regardless of our circumstances - people like the both of you. Thank you so much for all you do on this website; not only for me, but all the others.
  5. I'm so sorry for your loss and understand how you feel. You are in shock, disbelief, confused, numb, frighten, lost and perhaps angry. Know that these emotions are all normal. It's good you are aware of the grieving process; I wasn't and had to lean, still am learning, as I go through it. Having a good support system nearby who you can turn to when needed is a plus, but know that your grief is a *walk alone* journey. Others will be there with comforting words for you to listen to, but know that you will walk alone, down your own path, with your raw wounds, your denial, anger, and bitter loss. You will eventually come to your own peace, but it will be on your own terms, in your own time. As human beings, we are conditioned to focused on reaching some point in our journey, some new happiness, some reachable goal or perhaps a new adjustment, that we seem to forget that the journey is where our life happens and ends. Of course you miss your wife; you're supposed to, you loved her and shared your life with her; she was the other half of you. I too loved (and still do) my husband, Charles. That man meant (and still does) the world to me. I was allowed to share my life with the man of my dreams, a man designed specifically for me and put in my life for 45 beautiful years. Blessed, I was, and still am. I thank God for my blessings and I've learned to count by blessings, not my problems. I am a strong believer in faith and God and believe that while my Charles' body was put to rest on this earth, his spirit is not of this earth and has gone home to the spiritual Kingdom of our Heavenly Father. My Charles is free from pain, suffering; he is experiencing the *joys* of heaven; how can I not rejoice his joy? The pain comes to us who are left behind as we remember the memories of the past, all the love we shared with our loved one who was called home. And often there is angry and frustration over wanting more time on earth with them. God know what we are going though; even HE wept over the loss of a loved one; what makes us think our pain is any differently. So miss your wife; mourn her and know that because God loaned her to you, for that short period of time, you are a better person for it. Continue to post, we are all here for one another and will get through this together; not today, nor tomorrow, perhaps not in the following weeks, months or year; but one day soon. Believe it and receive it. I pray that God Bless and keep you safe and give you the strength you need at this time.
  6. I thought like you and was very angry with God for taking a really good man in my Charles. A good husband, a fantastic father, a remarkable grandfather; good friend, brother etc etc etc. I didn't want to hear all those things that people would say, you know, phrases like *God loves you* or *God has something better in stored* for you - yeah right, *yadda*, *yadda*, *yadda*. I questioned how could a God who loved me so much and wanted me to be happy, allow this to happen - and literally make me the most saddest person alive. At a group counseling session this past Saturday, I had an opportunity to meet with one of the coordinators and she shed some light on my situation. She told me that my Charles was not *mine*, he was merely on lone from God. God allowed him to be with me for 45 years and that was longer than a lot have had. She told me that God wanted him back and took him; not to hurt me, but because his task was complete. Our Creator loves us and has a plan for each of us to complete. All people have a purpose, no matter how insignificant our human minds might think it is. We are to love our God above all things, more than ourselves, our spouse, sons, daughters, or anyone else. We must trust HIM in all things, including the time each of us is given here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father knows what HE has planned for us to do in this world, and the proper time to call us home. For us Christians, we know the reality of Heaven. The Kingdom of God is so glorious it is beyond our human imagination. In Heaven we are all covered by our God’s love and peace, we can triumphantly worship our Heavenly Father. And there is no more sin, no more pain or suffering. We will be in the companionship of all of our brothers and sisters who have been called home, as we await loved ones who will soon be joining us in Paradise. There is no greater place to live than in Heaven - thank God!!! The last thing we should remember is we are to love others as Christ loved us. Though the pain of missing those who Jesus has called home might seem unbearable, Christian love dictates we should want what is best for our loved ones, our spouses, children, friends, and all people. And the greatest place for anyone to be, regardless of their age, regardless of their status in life, is in Heaven with our Lord. Knowing that someday when our work is completed on earth, through the grace of Jesus Christ, we to will join all our loved ones in Heaven. I pray that God brings you though this pain and that you find peace - You are in my prayers.
  7. Perhaps you were sending God away and meant it, but the good thing is I know I have a forgiving and Loving God and HE knows my grief and pain; after all, scripture tells us Jesus wept (John 11:35) but HE never complained. God didn't promise HE would take away our pain and discomfort, HE said HE would be right there with us when it happens. Grief does change us; the pain sculpts us into understanding more deeply; hurt more often; appreciate more quickly; cry more easily; hope more desperately; and love more openly.
  8. I am truly sorry for your loss. My husband also died from cardiac arrest; I was with him when he took his last breath and I too died that day. They didn't bury me, but I died none-the-less - inside. The only difference is when my Charles made this transition, he was relieved form all his pain sufferings (I thank God for that); he transitioned to a place were peace is the norm, eternal and who couldn't ask for anything better. When I passed on, my death (inside) started and still continues. My pain and suffering without him feels eternal; and my peace is now war. I love and pray for my children because one of the hardest things they may have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive - namely me. You're right - it is hard to cope; but know you don't have to do it alone and you're not alone. Reach out to his family; after all, you shared something in common - the love for someone near and dear to you. We don't understand why things happen to our loved one, especially someone so young, and sometimes we're not suppose to know. I think there's a time for everything under the heavens and when it is our time, God takes us. So don't blame yourself thinking you perhaps could have saved him; when something doesn't go as expected; sometimes the plans we have mapped out for ourselves and our lives just doesn't work out. It took me sometime to go back to the home my Charles and I shared; but now I'm here 100%. It's our home, and together we made it to where we wanted it; I could never leave, nor do I want to. Don't get me wrong, Its hard at times and I still have my meltdowns, but this I expect. It may be good for you to visit his home, but when you're ready. Take a deep breath, regroup and figure out your next move because will get you down, but that doesn't mean you stay there. Your world right now may seem dark, gloomy and stormy, but the most beautiful rainbow and sunshine comes after the worst storm. I pray and know that God will keep you safe and give you the strength and peace you need to get through this horrific ordeal. I hope you continue to post. We are all here weathering this awful journey together, but we will get through it; not today nor tomorrow; perhaps not even next week, month or year, but we will get through it, with the help and love of God and one another.
  9. These mood swings will come and go. Thought I had a grip on it, thought I had gotten through the brunt of it; thought the worst was behind me; thought I was on my way to dealing with this pain; boy, was I wrong. I attend a group counseling meeting on the third Saturday of each month, and this past Saturday was the day. I went there to just listen to the others but when asked to express how I was feeling, and not being one to sugar-coat the my feelings, I expressed how I felt. I had gone back to rock-bottom and was feeling very, very low. I was bitter again, angry, had a *hell with everybody and everything* attitude and I just didn't care. I didn't feel loved and was somehow abandon from everybody. One of the coordinators called me out on my feelings and we had somewhat of a heated discussion; another member reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey and that they were all with me; another sat, talked, and prayed with me. While I went there feeling lower than low, I walked away feeling truly uplifted. I thank God for that. I know God put those special people in my life who are there for me. I call them God-sent angels; the kind that will make sure you are having a good day and will try to make you feel better, even when you are feeling down. It is rare to find caring souls like that in our lives.
  10. Kjayne I am so sorry for your loss. The pain can and will sometimes be so unbearable, you'll think you won't make it through. Pain comes in all forms; the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain we live with everyday. Then there's the pain we just can't ignore, a pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all you can think about is how much you hurt. I know right now you're probably in a dark place and that is normal. Even if you can't get out of bed and all you can do is breathe; take all the time you need. Everyday is a battle and some days you'll demolish everything in your path; other days, you'll hold on to dear life. Either way, you are a warrior - never forget that. You may not ever get over the pain, but you'll get through it where the pain is not so intense and it will make you stronger. Not today or tomorrow or even next month; but you will get through it. Little by little; day by day, step by step. You made it through today - that's a start. Continue to post if you want. We're always here if you need to talk, vent, cry, or listen. God bless you and give you the strength and peace you need in this most difficult time.
  11. None of us do. While we may not know what our future holds, I know who holds my future - God Almighty. I agree with you - surviving this terrible loneliness. My heart never knew loneliness until my Charles was taken from me; there are times I'm so lonely, I don't even know myself anymore and I feel like I'm drowning in this loneliness... and other times I feel I'm not alone because loneliness is always with me (if that makes any sense). Not wanting to be the reason for others feeling sad shows you have a good spirit. But I'm learning that loneliness is dangerous and it can be addicting. Lonely people are the kindest; saddest people smile the brightest; damaged people are the wisest - all because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do - they truly are beautiful spirits.
  12. I am truly sorry for your loss and truly know your pain. You're still in shock, disbelief, numb; blank, unable to think clearly, frozen in time, moving in slow motion; living within a fog. All that's normal and after the numbing phase, when you eventually thaw out, the pain settles on your heart and the raw fear of not having him around takes over your mind and controls it for a very, very long time. And the weird thing is while your world is frozen and you have no idea how you can live through it, the real world keeps turning, the seconds keeps ticking. If you haven't done so, find a support group in your area that you might want to attend. It helps in learning from others who have experienced the death of a spouse - I have and it's one of the best self-action remedies that provided the understanding I so desperately needed. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that are appropriate to you with people who are understanding and support your religious beliefs. What comforts me is my faith in God and prayer and knowing that my Charles is free from all illness and suffering. He is at peace and that's all I can ever wish for. Grieve your husband; you need to in order to heal but know we all have our individual grief. Your grief is your own walk alone. Others may be there with encouraging words of comfort and listen to your stories of pain and sorrow, but you will have to walk it alone, down your own path, at your own pace with your pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger and bitter loss. You'll come to your own peace, hopefully, but it will be on your own terms and in your own time. So if you need to breakdown and cry then do it; you're walking through hell; just don't stay there You've just lost a part of yourself and your heart is badly broken and the bad news is you will never completely get over it, but the good news is that as long as you live, your husband will live; as long as you live, he will be remembered; and as long as you live, he will always be loved. As long as you live, you will never be without him because you will carry him where ever you go. Continue to post; I believe we are here for a reason; to uplift one another, definitely; but more than that, to learn and help one another along with horrific journey. I pray God gives you hope and strength; Hope that it will get better and strength to hold on until it does.
  13. You're probably right, but they all burn; the only difference was Charles was always there to to make sure my fires didn't get too high (no matter what they were). I knew he wouldn't let those fires consume me; but now my fires seems out of control and my soul burns without him. You're right, we need to take care of ourselves because Charles and Pat would have wanted us to. Thanks again HHFaith and may God bless you. You know you're in my prayers. HUGS to you.
  14. Good for you. I've retired so I try keeping myself busy as well. I've joined a senior water aerobic class that meets 5 days a week; hit the gym at least twice a week; joined a beginning tennis course that meets once a week and am in a walking program, twice a week. All these activities are in the morning so when I return home in the afternoon/evenings, I sometimes have my meltdowns and rock bottom episodes; the good thing is I'm learning not to stay there too long. My faith in God, prayer and this forum have kept me above board and I too am very thankful and grateful to all here. I'm so happy you've decided to further your education; never stop learning because life never stop teaching. God bless and good luck to you.
  15. Thanks, that was sweet of you to say and I appreciate you for saying it. Charles brought out the *better* me and now that he's gone, so is that better person. You can imagine being with one man for your entire life (married just short of 45 years) never stop loving him and wanted only the best for him even if that meant putting yourself on the back burner. His life was my life and I know he would not want me to continue in the state I'm currently in, but I can't help how I feel. Right now - not good.
  16. So true. I'm trying to make it through this first year - I can't even fathom 5 or 10 years down the road without him. I don't think I have a heart anymore (I'm like the Tin-man in the Wizard of Oz) When Charles left this world, my world froze in time, broken and shattered into a million pieces and while I didn't want to accept it, I knew it was real; he took my heart with him. When I think of him never coming home again, I sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then I remember, it's only temporary. I realize it doesn't mean the end of my connection with him is over, he is still very much with me; just in a different form, energy, spirit. Love is never ending and the love Charles and I shared is always and forever. On a different note, love your profile picture of you and Ed; you guys looked happy!
  17. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. From your post, you can sense the loved your shared for one another - that in itself is so beautiful. Life is so strange and ours will be forever changed. For the better, perhaps; but not for me. My Charles and I were together for 47 years and married for almost 45. The love I had and still have for that man is undescribable. I think about our wedding vows and what we promised one another, *To Love and to Honor* and the *For better or for Worst* part. I loved and lived my "Better* life with my Charles, unfortunately now I living my *Worst* without him. Like you, our marriage was not perfect and it didn't always come easy. We faced challenges, overcame obstacles, but we held on to one another and never let go; we LOVED each other, a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, but impossible to live without. And that's how my life feels now, impossible to live without him. But live without him I must and It is so difficult to do. But remembering what we had - every hour, every minute and every second was worth it because we had each other. No one and nothing can take that away from me. Sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart; but I will make it through another day and another and another. Not so much a *better* person, a different one. I'm going to move forward because that's all I can do; I'll breathe in, breathe out and move on. Where to? I have no clue but I have no choice - life demands you to move on. One of the hardest things, no - it is the hardest thing I've ever done, but with faith in God, prayer, and this forum, I'll get through it; we all will.
  18. Thank you Marsha - my Charles was a wonderful man and I can't put into words how much I really miss him. I too thank God for 45 beautiful years with the man of my dreams and even though I can't see, kiss or touch his body, his spirit is always with me, helping me through this life without him; until we are once again united.
  19. I am so very sorry. My Charles introduced me to many places I had not been before and like your Alfred was eager to take me. We both had retired and was so looking for our *golden* years together. Than came that awful day that changed by life forever - in a split second, my Charles had a massive heart attack and was gone. I couldn't believe it then, and still am having trouble believing it now. Not my Charles, not my protector, my best friend, the love of my life, my strength, the other half of me. This was just not happening, this was not real; this was a bad nightmare I wanted and needed to wake up from. So there I was slowly drifting away from everything I ever loved; the pain in my mind was much worse than the pain in my body ever was. For me, I haven't gotten through the pain, and I don't think I ever will - do I really want to? The pain reminds me that I lost the most important person on this earth; in some sense, I've lost myself, trust, joy,and happiness. I'm a different person, forever changed - but I don't know if it's a good change. I have had many meltdowns and expect to have many more; I've been to rock bottom and back again; been through hell and back; have had days when I thought I was doing OK, only in the following seconds, have had my personal tsunami that didn't or wouldn't stop. I cried myself to sleep many night, only to wake up and start again. For me, getting through this hell is my faith. If not for the grace of God, I wouldn't have made it this far. You see, I believe, no I know this earth is not my home and we are merely passing through; but before can leave, we must learn valuable lessons; learn to love without condition; talk without bad intentions; give without any reason, but most of all, care for one another without any expectation. Sometime painful things can teach us lessons we didn't think we needed to know. When my times does eventually come, I know I will be with my Charles again, only this time, it will be for eternity. And that is worth waiting for because the pain of parting is nothing compared to the joy of meeting again. My prayer is that God keep you safe and give you the peace and strength you need to make it through this horrific ordeal.
  20. I am so sorry for your pain and know what you are going through only too well. Like all the other posts, I too will add my suggestion of you seeking some professional kind of help. Grief is so unpredictable, it makes us think all kinds of crazy emotions; suicide being one of them - I know I did and a lot of others on this forum have as well. When I lost my Charles I wasn't prepared for his death; nobody is. I lost someone I loved more than I loved myself and I got a quick crash course in mortality. I would actually lie in bed night after night, wondering if there is truly a heaven and hell and finding all kinds of reasons to cling to my faith. Like you I couldn't see living a day without him much less than 10 or 15 years. That was unimaginable. Yes, all of our lives will end, but in their time; our lives are gifts from God; what we do with them are our gifts to God. Don't get me wrong and I don't want to come across as sounding uncaring, but you were unfortunately left behind, so preserve yourself; preserve the love you shared; preserve the memories you made. As hard as it is for you, switch places for a moment - Would you want him to suffer this unbearable pain or have these suicidal thoughts - I would dare to say no. Losing someone you truly love is the hardest thing you'll ever have to endure; believe me, we all know this. But we must go on, if not for ourselves, then for them. You are the person who can keep him and his memory alive and strong. Don't let yourself down; don't let him down. Get that help and continue for the both of you; because I couldn't bear to believe our loved ones aren't out there somewhere, a few whispered words of a prayer away. I'm praying for you. God bless and keep you safe; keep us all safe.
  21. Fortunately, I retired so I didn't have that burden.
  22. I truly see your point; and yes, I would never have wanted my Charles to endure such misery and suffering. KMB - your words are so uplifting and comforting and I agree - they do deserve that beautiful life even if that means us suffering on this earth a while longer. I question whether or not my Charles could have lasted too long had I gone first. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think so. We know we all must someday die; the goal isn't to live forever, I think the goal is to try to create something that will. My Charles created a love that is endless, eternal and bountiful.
  23. Strange how you feel others have that God-given strength but not yourself. You are sooooooooooooo right - God is always right. I believe HE makes us brave when we're afraid, makes us strong when we're weak, but most of all, HE teaches us to hold on to HIM when things keep falling apart by placing people in our lives when we need them. Thanks for having my back and always bringing me back when I'm floating out there in space.
  24. Wow! Beautiful picture - and how fitting. The deepest kind of peace is represented by the dove; thought to quiet troubled thoughts and renew minds and spirits. I think waiting for someone for a few minutes is need; waiting for a few hours is trust; waiting for a few weeks, perhaps friendship; but when you wait for someone, even though you know they are never coming back, is *True Love*. That's what I have for my Charles and I know you have for your Bev.
  25. So true! When I lost my Charles, I was really in a dark, dark place and my children (they're grown) thought it best for me to see a grief counselor; I couldn't see how it could possibly have any kind of impact then, but now I can. No way is It a cure, but it helped me get out of that dark place I was at. After being married to a man for nearly 45 years and being in love as much or more than when we first met, I have accepted the fact, that in my situation, it will NEVER get better. I sometimes think about our marriage vows, you know the line, *For better or Worst*. I've lived the *Better* portion of my life with my Charles; now my reality is living the *Worst* without him. Merely existing is all I do now because its all I know how to do. Sorry for the gloom mood, but I guess that's where my head is now.