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About Francine

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    Advanced Member

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  • Occupation
    Retired Educational Supervisor
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    Singing, reading, exercising
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  • About Me
    Very Family oriented

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  1. I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are experiencing. How your story mimic mine in many ways. My Charles also died of an unexpected heart attack, right in front of me and our son. We were inseparable, best friends, married for 45 years and loved each other so much. Before I met my Charles, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason - just because. He taught me so much and I will be forever grateful. My biggest honor was being his wife and for making me the mother of his children; and when I look at them, I see the love we shared in human form. I am so happy he left this world knowing he was loved and loved. My mind knows he is in a better place, where there is no pain; he is at peace and I understand that - I just wish I can explain that to my heart. I'm so glad you found this website and shared your story. Sometimes our stories of grief and how much we are suffering are usually painful and they are not always easy to tell. So we don't. We bottle them up, push them down, and close up shop. And our pain sits, sometimes for decades. We unfortunately miss the opportunity to really understand the event or series of events that are responsible for breaking our hearts and leading us to healing. Of course you're lost, scared and confuse; why wouldn't you be - you've just lost half of yourself. Some words are no longer in my vocabulary and I don't associate them with my days now; words like, *happy*, *excited*, *looking forward to*, *upbeat*, *good*. If I can get an *OK* day, or *I got through this day* day, then I'm alright. I don't think you ever get through it - you learn to live with it. Know that you are not alone; no matter how hopeless you feel about your situation - we all on this forum have been there, experiencing the same emotions. When you think or your mind tells you, you are all alone, it is trying to sell you a lie. Your hardest part of healing maybe recovering the *YOU* that died with him. Continue to post here; we are family and what does family to best - is be there for one another. Stay Strong and God Bless!
  2. OK ladies, we're not the three little bears; nor are we the three blind mice, or (rub a dub dub) three men in a tub, nor three wise men (now that's debatable; perhaps 3 wise women) so what do you think of us being *The Three Lonely Ladies* (TLL)?
  3. I am so very sorry for your loss; such a beautiful young lady. Just from your post, she sounds like a real trooper and a very strong person to have gone through all the surgeries - i commend and admire her for her strength and can only imagine the loved you both shared for one another. You certainly have had your share of loss in a relatively short period of time. I'm happy to hear you kept your promise to her and know that although she may not be with you physically, her spirit has never left you. I hope you find comfort in knowing that no passage of time will ever change your love for one another - it's in the atmosphere. Hold on to the love and not the loss. Continue to post - we are like family here - so whenever you feel the need or just want to vent, listen or be heard, we are here. Sending prayers your way.
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain and suffering only too well. It's always difficult to lose someone so near and dear, but someone so young, who had his whole life in front of him, must be hell. It is so apparent that he was so special in your life and the loved you both shared for one another; even through the time was short, you loved a lifetime. Jake sounds like one a million, *thee* one, mature beyond his years, family oriented and put into your life for a reason. Men like Jason are like diamonds in the rough. It's rare to encounter such diamonds and when we do, we know we are in the presence of goodness. I'm happy you were able to find your *diamond*; I had one in my Charles, and for me, it is enough to last my lifetime. It's so not fair when the *good* ones are taken and the *not so good ones* are left. I've asked the *why* question over and over again; but you know what, I've learned to accept that we're not suppose to know why; trust that God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand HIS wisdom, but we simply have to trust HIS will. There is a reason you and Jake found each other. It wasn't a coincidence, by accident, a fluke, or luck - it's what we call God's Will. And as quickly as God put him in your life, HE quickly took him away. I am a stronger believe in prayer and God and as hard as it is to accept, Jason completed this earthly task and went home to Heaven. I truly believe one of those task was to find and love you - for that very short period of time - and he did. Because of Jason, your life changed for the better; because of Jason, you found joy again; because of Jason, you were happy again; because of Jason, you loved again. Personally, I think he did a hell of a job; don't you? You will miss him terribly, I know I miss my Charles with my entire being. Nights are the worst for me as well - its like time freezes. You know, when the world suddenly goes deathly still, and you could hear a pin drop and the sound your heart makes is so loud in your ears, you feel like you're drowning in blood and you lay there in a suspended moment and die a thousand deaths. But not really because the moment passes and dumps you out of it on the other side with your mouth hanging open and your mind a blank - the absolute worst feeling. And one of the hardest part of healing is to recover the *you* that went away with him. No matter what we face in life, God will be there with us. Only God can turn our worst tragedies into victories. I hope you continue to post here - we're like family. You know the kind that laughs and learns; pray and preserve; assist and appreciate; cry and comfort; inspire and influence; motivate and mentor; debate and discuss; reassure and encourage. Know that you are in my prayers and that God give you the love, strength and peace to get through this horrific ordeal. Stay strong!
  5. Ditto that. Sometimes I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore - if that makes any sense. One of the loneliest moments I've experienced thus far is watching my life fall apart and all I can do is stare blankly.
  6. Andy, I'm feel so sad for you and can truly relate to feeling nothing. It's almost my norm. That spark that use to live within my soul has gone - with Charles, I imagined. The world I loved and wanted to live is gone and isn't coming back - it just doesn't exist; I feel this world isn't possible any longer; isn't real; isn't mine. I lost my world when Charles left it. I'm glad you were able to spend sometime with your dad and he must have enjoyed that very much. My dad passed on years ago and my Charles was always there to help me get though those *Father's Day*. Now since he is gone, I'm completely lost without him. Like you say, "Nothing is the same" Forgive me for the gloom/doom post, but that's where my mind is.
  7. But apparently the best one (so your sister feels) for the job. Don't worry, you'll be great!
  8. It's hard on all children, especially the young ones. You have to be both parents to them, and as hard as it is, you will be. You will be because you must be and we as women, are made strong to deal with life's day-to-day struggles and we know the struggles are children are in today are developing the strengths they will need for tomorrow. We know they must endure some struggles in order for them to survive in life, but in order to stand up, they must know what falling down is like. The first year of doing things without Matthew will be the most difficult for you and the children and don't be surprise if all of you break down and cry because you know things will never be the same. That's OK because you have one another to hold on to and bring you through. I know Matthew is so proud of you raising the children and is with you in spirit. God bless you and the kids and know you are in my prayers.
  9. Thank you. My family truly helped me make it through the day - just looking at my two children I feel so grateful. They are a true testament to the love Charles and I shared; I think of them as our love in human form and can't help but think how bless we both were. I'm sorry about your kitty and hope it makes a fully recovery. God Bless!
  10. My day started quite well; went to church with my kids and grandchildren and fellowshiped afterwards. Later that afternoon, the family went to the cemetery for a visit. My Charles head stone was finally laid and it was good to see it. I purchased a duel headstone so seeing my name next to his was bittersweet; bitter because I wanted so much to be with him and I'm not, and sweet in knowing when my time actually comes, I'll lay next to him forever. We all honored him in our own special way and I was amazed at what my grandson said about his grandfather. I made it though that OK. We topped it off with dining out; unfortunately, not at Charles' favorite restaurant (the wait time was 2 1/2 hours) but all together none the less - I made it though that OK. Upon leaving the restaurant, we decided to go over my daughter's home for a short time - just to be together as a family - I made it through that OK. But on the way home, I wasn't OK. A feeling of loneliness and sadness overwhelmed me and my tsunami started and I couldn't stop it. That type of tsunami where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become so blurry from tears; the type where you just want to scream; the type where you hold your breath and hold your stomach to keep quiet; the type where you can't breathe anymore; the type that makes you realize the person that meant the most to you is gone. And I'm still feeling the residuals this morning.
  11. Wow! It evident your sister's confidence in you to get the job done is very important to her. I have siblings and some of them I wouldn't trust to take my garbage out let alone handle my estate. Didn't you have an accounting background, or do some kind of bookkeeping at one time or another? Perhaps because your little sister is involved in partying, traveling and fun things is exactly why she was not asked. I can only imagine that being an executor requires a high degree of organization - and from your post, you definitely have that. Alone with the organizational skills, it is a huge responsibility and can be very time-consuming. It's natural to feel honored, and because she is your sister, the urge to say yes is all the more pressing. But given the complexities of the role, it's crucial that you feel fully capable; on the other hand, how do you tell your sister, no? No matter what, you'll make the right decision for KayC.
  12. Good for you; I'm truly glad that you are able to move forward with your life and future. I'm not there yet (it's only been 6 months) but your story gives others on this website hope that nothing is impossible. I don't see myself dating again, or opening my life to others; but that's just me and I'm OK with it. I'll try to live the rest of this life to its fullest with anticipation of being with my Charles again.
  13. I am so sorry for you and feel your pain. Sometimes my heart hurts so much I feel like it's going to explode and on many days, I wish the sadness would stop consuming me. And while my heart is exploding, I wish that I would also because it all too much feeling nothing and everything all at once. I know how much you miss him and you feel like you can't live without him and your heart is badly broken and the bad new is that you never really get over it. But the good news is he will live forever in your heart that doesn't truly heal and somehow, by the grace of God, you get through it. Pray, then let it go. Don't try and manipulate or force the outcome. Just continue to praise God in spite of the pain; thank HIM during the trials, trust HIM when you're tempted to lose hope and Love HIM when HE seems far away. God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.
  14. I am so very sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are experiencing. Your story reminds me somewhat of mine. My Charles and I were like you and your loved one - being perfect together; the person I dreamed of having in my life; just a all around wonderful person. Before I met him, I never knew what it was like to look at a person and smile for no reason. He was the best this life could offer; cancer didn't take him, a massive heart attack did. I have always believed in prayer and God, so like you, I did that - prayed, prayed and prayed some more. It didn't help - Charles was gone and I was left - numb, in total shock, not believing what happened. Talk about mad, angry and bitter, I was mad at the world and everybody in it. And the top person on my list was God. How could HE allow this to happen to me. I feel you - without my Charles, there's really nothing left for me here. You say you're in purgatory - I'm in Hell. I'd rather stay asleep, in my own world - where Charles and i are together and all is well than to wake up to a living hell of pain, suffering, anger and heartbreak. I guess that's what death really is - a deep sleep where there is no pain or suffering. When you lose someone and after sometime, you have nothing but time to digest it and really give it some thought. I realize I don't hate God, I love HIM and am grateful he designed a man specifically for me and allowed us 45 wonderful years together. We all must leave this world - that's a fact - and while my Charles is gone, he is not in any pain or not suffering - I'm grateful for that. God answers my prayers - if not for HIM and prayer, I know I would not have made it thus far. My Charles would want me to continue to live my life; and as hard as that is, I will; nothing like I would if he was with me; why would I, I'm not the same person I was. I've learned not to put too much stock in people; they will not always be there when you really need them; the less you depend on them, the less disappointed you will be. Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them. You will get through this - not today, not tomorrow, not next week or perhaps not in the next months - but you will get through. You're looking at your life with an out-of-focus lens; You don't need a new life, just a new lens through which to view the one you have. This is not your end - it's your beginning. Continue to post; we are all here for one another. it's not by chance, a fluke a coincidence you are on this website at this time - you're suppose to be here - that's not fate - I call it God's Will. Stay Strong, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
  15. I'm sorry for your loss and know your pain too well. Like you, my Charles and I were inseparable and had 45 wonderful years together. I used to think I couldn't go a day without his smile or without telling him things and hearing his voice back. And then the worst day of my life came - the day God took him from this earth came, and it was so damn hard, but the next day was even harder. I knew with a sinking feeling it was just going to get worse and I wasn't going to be OK for very long time, if ever. Losing my Charles was just not an event or date on the calendar - it just didn't happen once - it happens over and over again. I lose him when I pick up my coffee mug each morning; when that special song of ours plays on the radio, or when I find one of his T-shirts at the bottom of the laundry pile. I lose him every time I think about kissing him, holding him or wanting him. I lose him every time I go to bed at night; when I wish I can tell him about my day; in the morning when I reach for the empty space across the sheets. You will never be the same *you* again, nor would you want to be. You are different - perhaps good, perhaps not - but changed. I think sometimes the hardest part of healing after you lose someone you love is recovering the *you* that died with them. For your sake, I hope you do. In my case, that won't happen - that person no longer exist and I'm fine with that. The *new* me has replaced her. And if I'm honest with you, sometimes, I don't like her. Right now, she is angry, bitter, unhappy, snappy and cold. She no longer has a heart because it was ripped from her chest; she only exist. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I pray you don't become that person and that God gives you the strength to make it through these difficult times. Stay strong and God bless you, bless us all.