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    December 19, 2016
  1. @MissionBlue I understand what you mean about wishing you spent less time on your own hobbies. I often feel a lot of guilt about this. I feel guilty about all the lazy weekends I spent on the couch wasting away watching tv. She often expressed wanting to go out shopping and wanting my company. However there were some weekends I just simply wanted to rest after a long week at work. Then there were weekends where i just wanted to be with my friends. I am left with feelings of being so selfish. I have to remind myself though that I was my own person with my own life. I struggle with that though due to culture. In my family we are very close to our relatives and it's all about family. As I got older I became more alculturated to a more independent American culture. At times family time didn't seem as important. I know this was hard on my mom. I don't know how to not feel guilty about this despite reminding myself that I had other things in my life besides her and couldn't dedicate all my free time to her. I guess grief wouldn't be grief without a nice dose of guilt about something.
  2. MissionBlue I'm reading your last post and found it funny that you mentioned that any writing left behind by your father is like a holy relic. I took a picture of a small note that my mother had wrote with someone's phone number on it. I have it saved under all of my treasured family pictures. I want to remember everything about my mother. Whenever I go to my parent's house, I find myself looking for anything and everything that reminds me of my mother. Seeing notes around the house that she wrote are some of my favorite memories of her. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I had a pretty good weekend. I took my mother some pretty sunflowers to her grave today. I wish I could have stayed a while to talk to her but the cemetery was pretty busy and there was a family celebrating their loved one's birthday a few feet away from my mother. It's not until I got home that I realized my mother has been gone exactly 3 months today. I feel so bipolar these days. Just a few days ago I was very sad/depressed and felt as if I had just lost her. This weekend was good and it felt like she's been gone much longer. Hope everyone has a good week.
  3. @MayFGL sending hugs your way. What a hard day it must have been for you. Anniversaries and can be so difficult. It's a reminder of all the time you could have had with them and what could have been different. I often wonder how I'm going to navigate the rest of my life without my. As painful as her passing is to remember on a daily basis it's also what keeps her memory fresh in my mind. I may get a break from it one day here and one day there but she'll never be absent from my mind too long. Our mothers will always be in our hearts and as long as our hearts are beating they'll be with us if only in spirit. Again I'm sorry. @reader I'm sorry you're living with so much guilt. The sad thing about guilt is no matter what others tell you it'll never go away until you start disproving it for yourself. I think all of us will live with the what ifs for the rest of our lives. My situation was different but I'll always wonder how I could have given my mom a better life while she was with us. I could have spent more time with her. I could have helped her more in whatever she needed help with. Looking back there's so much more I would have done for my mother. However I don't think it could have ever been enough. I know I did more for my mother than others do for theirs. I tried to be the best considering I'm human and do stupid human things. Please don't beat yourself up. I hope with time you start feeling better about things. One days we'll be our mothers age, God willing, and we'll have to reflect on the lives we had. I hope I can say I lived life to the fullest. Our mothers would want us to be happy. Guilt is a normal part of grieving but don't let it take away from your life either.
  4. @The Girl I completely agree that don't know what to do/say and end up saying/doing the wrong thing by mistake. I would be talking with my girls and one minute they would be totally empathetic and the next minute joking about something inappropriate. I had to really work on understanding and remembering that they didn't know what I was going through. I also had to remind myself to be grateful that they were trying to be there for me even if it meant distracting me with stupidity. As much as their comments got on my nerves at least they cared to be there for me. I had friends who didn't so much as offer me condolences. I have a friend who flat out stopped texting me after my mother's passing. Maybe bc she doesn't know what to say. Although I much rather have a friend ask me how I'm doing, even if wrongly worded, then not care so much as to spend 3minutes of their time to see how I'm doing. I have a good friend who had her baby two weeks before mine. She had lost her father many years ago. The only time she has texted me is to offer me a job at her place of employment and then briefly was like oh yeah sorry about your mom. She's one of very few friends of mines who has lost a parent. I expected a little more from her in terms of support. That also hurts.
  5. Donna, My most deepest condolences. How lucky you got to spend many years with your mother. Mines was robbed from me when we was 65 in December 2016. But I know it would have never been enough. It would have hurt just as same had she been 100. Why? Bc they are such an enormous part of our lives no matter how old we are. Also, something I realized after her passing, my mother was the one person who loved me more anything in this world. The one person who truly loved me unconditionally. Nothing compares to a mother's love. It is extremely painful when that is gone. We will never again have our mother's to call to share gossip, talk about the weather, as for everyday advice etc. Our teachers and shoulders to cry on are gone. It feel as though someone has removed a limb from our bodies. Something that has been there since our birth. Something we don't know how to live without. I wish there were words to share with you to make such a void feel better. I simply don't think such words exist. Just know there are so many of us sharing the same pain and you have us to cry to.
  6. MissionBlue Absolutely. It's funny how differently I see life since my mother left. It's never looked more beautiful. I knew one day my mother would have to leave this earth. Just like everyone. We must all say goodbye to it one day. I wish I had more of these reminders when she was still here. I lived life as if that nightmare would never arrive. I read somewhere once that most people see their parents as their buffer for death. We expect our parents to leave this earth first. This being so, the article stated we don't think of our own death. But once our parents leave we are reminded for our mortality. I've been so reminded of how short this life really is. How beautiful it is to be alive. A part of me wants to travel more and experience all this world has to offer before I must say goodbye to it. I hope I can do it without the painful reminders of what my mom did not get to see. Athina I'm sorry it's so hard for you to be home. I feel that way whenever I go pay my father a visit. I was used to being greeted by my mother who was always so excited to see me. I always expect her to be the one to open the door. My dad has everything almost in the same place as my mother left it. He's toyed with the idea of donating some items but he can't commit to it. I'm glad. As painful as it is to be reminded of what my mother left behind it is also comforting. Every time I sit anywhere in the house I can imagine my mom sitting there too. I want to so badly talk to her. But she's not there. The dressers have her perfumes, hair brushes, makeup, face creams, hair products etc just as she left them. I can picture her standing in front of the dresser tinkering with all her girly stuff. Her clothes hangs in the closet just as she left them. Her shoe boxes are still tucked under the bed. Some of her clothes remain folded exactly the same. I know what you mean in that will you ever believe it's really happened. I was standing in my kitchen this weekend praying that by some miracle this has been the worst nightmare ever. I was literally standing in my kitchen pleaing with God that he make this nightmare go away.
  7. Happy Saturday to everyone. Hope your weekend is treating you guys well so far. We're having gorgeous weather today. It's 75 degrees with a nice breeze. I just came in from doing some spring time gardening and couldn't help but to think what my mom would have been doing on a beautiful day as today. My mom would have definitely done some laundry today and hung it out to dry. She still dried her clothes on clothes line outside when the weather was perfect for it. She would have gone shopping too bc she loved being out and about in perfect weather. We would have talked in the early evening, while she would be sitting out in the porch, about what a great day it was. She would have then hung up the phone to get ready for dinner and then church. I'm a person of faith and do believe she's in heaven. I know whatever is up there can't compare to what we have on earth. It must be a billion times more pretty in heaven. Nonetheless, I can't help but to feel sorry/sad for her for no longer being able to experience days such as this. As sorry as I feel for myself for no longer having my mother, I think I might be more sad for her. For all the things she will no longer be able to experience. As ugly as this world may seem sometimes and how hard life can feel sometimes, life is truly a beautiful thing to have. As I sit on my couch with the doors open, I can smell the clean air coming in, hear the birds chirping, and look at all the great things I have ie my family and home. I also feel deep sadness for my mom. For her no longer being able to have moments like this with her family. May you all have a blessed rest of your weekend. Xoxo.
  8. Good afternoon all, hope your Monday is as good as a Monday can get. I'm curious has anyone read the book "Motherless Daughters" ? I just started reading this book and I'm loving it. I recommend this good read. Have a great week!
  9. Everly My goodness you're talented! Those would surely bring a smile to anyone! silverkitties Hello! Isn't it funny how we never stop wanting our parents to be proud of us! I'm the same way when I finish a project. I would always show my mom my completed projects and I think she would get more satisfaction from them than me. Deidre Welcome! I'm terribly sorry for your loss. That's terribly sad. I can't imagine how you must feel. My mother died abruptly as well. Except she was healthy as a horse. Not even a cold. Just didn't wake up from her sleep from one day to the next. I don't know if there is ever enough time with our loved ones. Whether they die at 40 or 100. But there's something especially horrid about not forseeing someone's death or not having enough time to say goodbye. One month was terribly short and I'm sorry that was the case for your family.
  10. Everly I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all that family drama. That's horrible that you've come to a place that's suppose to be safe for sharing and they end up doing that. Feel free to private message me if you ever want to talk.
  11. Dgiirl Thank you for sharing that. It's the one thing, maybe the only thing, that bring me comfort in the way she went. My mom had a history of what the doctors believed was Epilepsy. Maybe 10 years ago is when she was got first seizure. It was either dormant her whole life or it was caused by some other medical complication she has in her brain at the time. She only had these seizures 2-3 per year. They would only last like 2 minutes tops. They weren't the kind of seizures that knock you to the ground or make you shake. Basically looked like she escaped reality for that moment and was in a different world in her head. She would sometimes say things as if having a conversation with someone who wasn't there or saying things that weren't of any known language. She couldn't hear you talking to her and had to snap out of that on her own. Sometimes she would have no recollection of what happened and sometimes she knew it happened bc she would misplace things around the house while having an episode or simply have a mild headache following. She feared one day she would get a full blown seizure and end up in a bad medical situation as a result. I guess she would even tell my dad that if she ever had a strong enough of a seizure to end her life to let it take her but she didn't want medical personal try to save her only to end up in a comma or paralyzed or a vegetable as she would say. She got her wish. Wish it hadn't been too early. But maybe God was saving her from something worse later in life. Athina I understand what you meant in your reply to Dgiirl. Even though I would have not wanted my mom to suffer from something horrible down the line that would make living not pleasant for her, it'd like to believe she might have had a couple healthy years left ahead of her. Maybe she wouldn't have an a big seizure for another 5-10 years and she could have lived healthy all long. As previously stated she only had small seizures 2-3 times a year. That 362-363 days she lived in a year without one. Multiply that by at least a few years. Would have been nice to not have been robbed of that.
  12. May I keep telling myself that maybe I'll start feeling better in 15-20 years. Weird but my logic behind that is that 15-20 years from now my mom would have been 80/85 years of age. I think living to 80-85 years of age in a major blessing. Anything beyond that it just beyond a major major blessing. I often tell myself that if she had lived that long it wouldn't hurt as much. I didn't need her to live to 100 just a little longer. My mother always said she didn't want to live to be so old that she had major health complications or be a burden to others due to age. She said that was not the kind of life she would have enjoyed and I would not have wanted her to be unhappy. For the next 15-20 I will be thinking of all the memories she could have made. How she could see her grand babies grow up. Maybe in 15-20 I can think, whelp her time would have probably been up around this time anyway. I could be completely wrong and would have hurt this bad had she died at 80/85 instead of 65. I just can't wrap my head around how someone could be robbed of so many wonderful years ahead. I pray that she's in heaven having a better life than she could have ever experienced here on earth. Athina I know what you mean when you talk about others sharing their vacation memories and that should have been your mom. My friends joked about their mothers today in a group text and it made me terribly sad that I couldn't participate in their conversations about mothers. The horrible part of me wishes they could feel my pain for just a minute. It's a horrible thought to have but it goes back to the feeling of life being unfair. Why do they still get to have a mom?
  13. silverkitties I'm so sorry you were robbed of that opportunity. The only thing that we can do with all this experience is do exactly what that saying says, live every day like it's your last. My mom was finally going to have her dream kitchen she had talked about for YEARS. I didn't even know she had planned this. My dad said she wanted to surprise us. She was going to replace all kitchen cabinets, countertops, flooring and paint the kitchen the same week she passed. The previous weekend they had picked out the materials and were going to start a few days after she passed. I wish she hadn't waited so long to do it. My dad said she was on cloud 9 with her plans for her kitchen. I was supposed to walk into that house at New Year's Eve and be surprised. She never got to see it. Athina Thats a great question. I often think about how I'm going carry on memory of my mother to my kids. I plan on taking flowers to my mother monthly. The cemetery is only a 10 min maximum drive from my house. I'll take my kids with me so they never forget they have a grandma. I also plan on cooking for my kids many meals my mom cooked for me my whole life. Celebrate her birthday with cake maybe. It'll be difficult for them though to appreciate her the way I would have liked. My grandparents lived out of the country my entire life and I only met them during early childhood. Never developed a relationship with them and while my mom talked to me often about her mother I just saw her as this lady who happens to be gma. When she passed away I only cried bc I didn't like to see my mother cry and hurt so bad. I don't miss what little memories I have with them. I don't think of them at all. It makes me feel horrible that my kids will have those same feelings about my mother. And i can completely relate to the why didn't i .... before she died. It's like you said though, it was not expected. Funny... the thing that tormented me terribly after she passed is thinking about how I never told her THANK YOU for everything she did for me. For being the greatest mother I could have ever asked for. For teaching me everything she did. To tell her how much I loved her. This ATE me up for days after her passing. Then one night maybe 1 week after her passing I had an extremely vivid dream. In my dream she has passed away and I was sitting in her room as I had the morning before the cemetery staff arrived to pick her up. But in my dream she woke up. I asked her to come into the kitchen. I sat down and I told her all those things I wish I had. She didn't want to hear it bc she didn't want to get emotional. I told her I had to bc I knew she would pass away again soon and I wanted to tell her those things before it happened again. The next morning I felt as if it had really happened. Then like magic those feelings disappeared and haven't returned. I wonder if my dream was just my brains way of solving this delima subconsciously or if by some miracle God delivered this message to her. But I truly felt that those feelings got resolved.
  14. JackieF3 welcome! I'm a newbie myself. My mother passed away December 19, 2016 and I'm glad I came across this site shortly after. I've been beyond grateful for those who have responded to me and shared their experiences. This can be a very lonely feeling. Me and you are on the younger end and so were our mothers. This means we don't have many friends who've experienced the death of a parent. My husband hasn't either. You can only vent to them so much but they'll never fully grasp it until it happens to them. As for how you're grieving, everyone does this differently and there is no right way. When I got them call at 8am, I didn't cry. I was just shocked. We had spoken the night before and she was healthy as a horse. She simply didn't wake up. I cried briefly here and there. We got so busy with arrangements and company that I never broke down the first 2 weeks. Christmas came and went. So did New Years. Then my birthday. It was extremely painful having all that shortly after her passing. It didn't really start to hit me until my bday which was 1.5 months after her passing. Much of the shock and numbness had started wearing off and my bday was the biggest reminder of what she will no longer be a part of my life. Much like you, I've been holding it together pretty well. I go to work every day. Take care of my husband and kids once at home. Do all grown up obligations just fine. It's the shopping trips to our favorite store that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's the moments I badly want to phone her to share family gossip that I no longer can do that get me. So it's not the every day functioning that becomes impaired. It's the moments when I realized "I can no longer do ----- this with my mom again." Grieve at your pace and let the emotions come and go as they need to. There's no right way. Terribly sorry for your loss.
  15. Reader I completely relate to he sadness that comes from our parent not seeing their grandchildren grow up. I didn't have my son until I was 29 years old because I went college and then graduate school. Then got married. Then got pregnant. I didn't have my daughter until I was 31. My son was only 2.5 yrs old and my daughter 3 months old when my mother passed. My son will soon forget what little memories he made with my mom and my daughter will never remember even meeting her. I guess I should be grateful they got to meet her but it's not good enough. My daughter was her first granddaughter and her world for those short 3 months. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to grad school and gotten married younger so I could have had my kids younger. She would have spent more time with them. In the past we've talked about possibly having 3 kids. Now I can't imagine having a child she would never know about to point where I have closed that door. MayFGL Incomplete puzzle alright. Isn't that just such a sad reality? Sometimes when depressed, I'll think how sad the rest of my life will be. No matter how amazing life is and what great memories I make, I will never be 100% happy in the moment bc there's a big hole in my heart that will never ever get filled. Sometimes when I do have a moment where I forget about my grief and think to myself how great the weather is or how I'm having a good time with my family I find myself feeling guilty for being happy in that moment. Like I purposely don't give myself permission to be happy. Athina Thank you It is extremely hard to lose a parent when they are still somewhat young. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It's hard when you know they still have MANY years ahead of them. I know it would have been a tough loss had she died at 100 but 65 just seems so much worse. Whenever I see more elderly persons I get so sad and think how unfortunate my mom was robbed so many years. And don't ever feel bad about thinking that maybe your friends would be more understanding if they had lost a parent too. Grief makes your brain come up with so many things you would never have thought. My dad was the one with medical complications while my mom was the healthier one. After she passed I found myself thinking why couldn't it have been dad who died instead. HORRIBLE thought on my part but that was out of anger. My need and desire to fix this. To bring her back. Trade her life for someone else. God knows had my dad died it'd be doing the same thing. I'm glad you've found at outlet here though. Our friends don't understand the pain just yet. They will eventually though. For now, we can lean on each other and support each other because we know how real this pain is.