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About ELiz

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    December 19, 2016
  1. @MissionBlue That is a good idea. I think I will treat myself to something nice for Mother's Day. I don't expect fancy presents from my husband. I know I'm not his mother but some extra recognition on a very hard day would go a longs way. @Athina I completely understand that anger when I see my children too. It's not fair that they were robbed on their grandmother. On Mother's Day I will be boycotting social media and all reminder of others celebrating Mother's Day with their mothers. @MayFGL Happy Easter to you as well. This was a hard Easter for sure. First without my mother. I took her flowers Easter morning. I hadn't cried over my mother for a while before I went over Sunday. As soon as I got to her grave site I broke down. I surely miss her famous seafood soup she made every Good Friday. As I visited her on Sunday morning, I thought that she would have gotten up that morning getting ready for church. She got especially excited about holiday services. I thought about how she didn't get to spend it with my daughter's first Easter. I had to prepare family dinner and attempted to make one of her dishes. It of course wasn't the same. It never will. Hope everyone else is doing well. I haven't seen a couple of you in a while. So very weird thing happened at work today. A new staff member joined our team this morning. And guess what? She has same name as my mother. A VERY uncommon name around here. She's also from the same country as my mother. She looked about 10 years younger than my mother. She had A LOT of same features as my mother such as body frame and eyes. I was like what the heck?! It felt so eery. The entire time in staff meeting I found myself either trying to avoid her and when I looked at her my heart just ached. What are the odds that a person with same name, from same country and similar features as my mother had to come work at our office of all places in town?!
  2. Hello friends and new people. Hope you are all doing good considering. I've been good myself but know it's about to go south with Mother's Day coming up. It'll be my first Mother's Day ever without my mom. I already know I'm going to be a mess. Today I was joking at dinner table bc everyone was eating their warm dinner while I was tending to the baby as always. More often then not I'm last to eat and food is usually cold by time I get to it. Typical mom. Well I jokingly said, "this is why moms get better gifts at Mother's Day" jokingly referring to moms always catering to everyone else. Well husband joking said, "well you kids better get her something because she's not my mom." My kids are 2 years old and other is 7 months old. I'm not expecting him to buy me Mother's Day presents. I'm not HIS mother. Even though in my family that doesn't matter. The dads in my family always have the kids buy mommy something nice for Mother's Day from them (with dads money of course). It's just part of our upbringing. He sees it differently. Whatever I guess. But I guess that comment really bugged me today bc he knows how horrible Mother's Days will be for me from now on. Especially this first one. I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive bc of the circumstances and/or because I expect my husband to make this day special for me because of how hard it'll be for me. At least that's what I would do if the roles were reversed. Then again he's no where close to his parents as I was/am with mines.
  3. @The Girl I never thought of how I was able to give my mom what my kids gave to me. Thanks for that. I guess if my kids were older I wouldn't have expected them to do something different besides just being there for me to hug and kiss. I hope entertaining friends isn't too taxing on you. I remember feeling the same way as you after my moms passing. Don't wanting to entertain people but also wanting some feeling of normalcy. My mother died 5 days before Christmas Eve last year. While we only got with immediate family for Christmas Day we all did our own thing for New Year's Eve. We had people over bc we had a newborn so it was easier for our friends to come to us than it was for us to go to them. I didn't want company and I didn't care to see what happiness others had while I was in pain. While a small part welcomed the distraction I mostly did it for my husband. Although he was my greatest supporter he needed a break for the sorrow that had taken over our house.
  4. @silverkitties That is an interesting way of viewing having children. One of the most painful things for me, when looking at my children, is knowing that they will never remember their grandmother. That they missed the opportunity of making memories with each other. That my mother never got to see them grow up as they are only 6 months old and 2.5 years right now. However, I also think God gave me a daughter for a reason. He gave me my Lily just three months before my mother's passing. I think God knew how major of a void this mother/daughter relationship absence would mean to me so he gave me a daughter to have one with. Except now i'm the mother to a daughter. She has my eyes and my dimples. Besides that she looks nothing like me. However, her nose and other features remind me of my mother. Another thing I thought about after my mother's passing is that each of my children are a quarter of each grandparent. In a way I feel my relationship with my mother lives on through me and my daughter. Both you and @The Girl make interesting points about our mothers' after the passing of their own parents. I'm sure the memories you guys had with your mothers helped them through their grieving process in more ways than you know. I can almost guarantee it. As all it takes is a smile from my children to snap me out of whatever depressed feelings I have if just for a moment. I remember my mother grieving for her mother. It was a painful thing to watch. My grandmother lived out of the country so my mom was only able to see her once every so many years. Not nearly enough. I think not spending much time with my mom over the years made it especially painful for my mother. My mom would throw herself on the floor and cry and as a young child I remember not knowing how to react. Looking back I should have at least hugged her. I was just so young I didn't know what to do. I know over the years she thought of her mother. She dreamt of her mother several times before her passing as well. She told me a few months before her passing that she had a very vivid dream of her mother. Although I know my mom would have loved to have been around longer I think she's very happy in heaven to finally be reunited with her mother whom she adored. This sounds horrible because I loved my life. My children. My husband. My father. My brother etc. All who are still alive. But, the grieving side of me can't wait to reunite with my mother one day. I miss her terribly.
  5. @The Girl Not ever having enough time is definitely true. I just pray to God that whatever time I did have with her made her happy even though to her it would never have been enough. I didn't move out of my parents house until I was about 26 years old. I had it way to good at home and did not find a need to move out until i had to. Which didn't happen until I became engaged in 2012 and moved in with fiancé (now husband). I was only 31 when my mother passed away last year so I was only out of the home 5 years. I guess I can find some comfort that I was able to spend 26 out of 31 years with her. @Athina Thank you. It is definitely a very humbling experience and can definitely sympathize/empathize with my clients much much more. I just wish it was easy to take advice as it is to give it to others. @silverkitties I hope you are feeling better. I'm sorry you are having to take on so much. It's only been 3 months since my mother passed away and makes me sad that in three years I will still feel as bad as you do. It's a sad reality when all you have left of that person are memories. Memories that make you both happy and sad when thinking of them.
  6. @MissionBlue Thank you for sharing that CBT reference. I love that quote reference. I'm actually a mental health therapist myself. In a lot of ways, my line of work has helped with this healing process. Prior to my mother's passing I was on maternity leave. The very last client I provided services to before going on leave was to a young lady who was working through grief bc she had lost her mother. She had been my only client that I had seen completely through treatment as many stop attending services before end of treatment. Then as soon as I returned back to work after maternity leave + bereavement I seemed to attract every grieving person in my town. More often than not women who had lost their mothers. I was like are you freakin kidding me?! It almost felt like a cruel joke. I had to really put my therapy skills to use in order to provide therapy to these types of clients following my own experience. I recently brought this up to my supervisor the other day and she told me maybe life sent me those clients for a reason. I saw a whole client through the process before it happened to me. And I my first client back same issue. While therapy is not about me, and I never allow it to be about me, i find that through helping my clients I am somehow benefiting as well. Maybe by the advice I give them my brain applies it my own similar situation. Btw I really enjoyed that chart thing to. Thank you for sharing that. Very insightful. It's hard for me to imagine a relationship with a parent taking such little room on that chart. Maybe bc since losing my mom I feel like I have lost a major part of life. She is the person I had the longest relationship with. The person I called for almost everything. The person who took a huge part of my heart. Her role in my life seems even bigger now that she's not here. But like you said we all have our own lives to live. I would never want my children feel like they couldn't explore all this works has to offer bc they need to be by my side all the time. I have to really remind myself of that. It doesn't help that my mom was queen of guilt trips. If I spent more than a few days without calling her she would get mad or get her feelings hurt. I think she needed me more than I needed her.
  7. @MissionBlue I understand what you mean about wishing you spent less time on your own hobbies. I often feel a lot of guilt about this. I feel guilty about all the lazy weekends I spent on the couch wasting away watching tv. She often expressed wanting to go out shopping and wanting my company. However there were some weekends I just simply wanted to rest after a long week at work. Then there were weekends where i just wanted to be with my friends. I am left with feelings of being so selfish. I have to remind myself though that I was my own person with my own life. I struggle with that though due to culture. In my family we are very close to our relatives and it's all about family. As I got older I became more alculturated to a more independent American culture. At times family time didn't seem as important. I know this was hard on my mom. I don't know how to not feel guilty about this despite reminding myself that I had other things in my life besides her and couldn't dedicate all my free time to her. I guess grief wouldn't be grief without a nice dose of guilt about something.
  8. MissionBlue I'm reading your last post and found it funny that you mentioned that any writing left behind by your father is like a holy relic. I took a picture of a small note that my mother had wrote with someone's phone number on it. I have it saved under all of my treasured family pictures. I want to remember everything about my mother. Whenever I go to my parent's house, I find myself looking for anything and everything that reminds me of my mother. Seeing notes around the house that she wrote are some of my favorite memories of her. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I had a pretty good weekend. I took my mother some pretty sunflowers to her grave today. I wish I could have stayed a while to talk to her but the cemetery was pretty busy and there was a family celebrating their loved one's birthday a few feet away from my mother. It's not until I got home that I realized my mother has been gone exactly 3 months today. I feel so bipolar these days. Just a few days ago I was very sad/depressed and felt as if I had just lost her. This weekend was good and it felt like she's been gone much longer. Hope everyone has a good week.
  9. @MayFGL sending hugs your way. What a hard day it must have been for you. Anniversaries and can be so difficult. It's a reminder of all the time you could have had with them and what could have been different. I often wonder how I'm going to navigate the rest of my life without my. As painful as her passing is to remember on a daily basis it's also what keeps her memory fresh in my mind. I may get a break from it one day here and one day there but she'll never be absent from my mind too long. Our mothers will always be in our hearts and as long as our hearts are beating they'll be with us if only in spirit. Again I'm sorry. @reader I'm sorry you're living with so much guilt. The sad thing about guilt is no matter what others tell you it'll never go away until you start disproving it for yourself. I think all of us will live with the what ifs for the rest of our lives. My situation was different but I'll always wonder how I could have given my mom a better life while she was with us. I could have spent more time with her. I could have helped her more in whatever she needed help with. Looking back there's so much more I would have done for my mother. However I don't think it could have ever been enough. I know I did more for my mother than others do for theirs. I tried to be the best considering I'm human and do stupid human things. Please don't beat yourself up. I hope with time you start feeling better about things. One days we'll be our mothers age, God willing, and we'll have to reflect on the lives we had. I hope I can say I lived life to the fullest. Our mothers would want us to be happy. Guilt is a normal part of grieving but don't let it take away from your life either.
  10. @The Girl I completely agree that don't know what to do/say and end up saying/doing the wrong thing by mistake. I would be talking with my girls and one minute they would be totally empathetic and the next minute joking about something inappropriate. I had to really work on understanding and remembering that they didn't know what I was going through. I also had to remind myself to be grateful that they were trying to be there for me even if it meant distracting me with stupidity. As much as their comments got on my nerves at least they cared to be there for me. I had friends who didn't so much as offer me condolences. I have a friend who flat out stopped texting me after my mother's passing. Maybe bc she doesn't know what to say. Although I much rather have a friend ask me how I'm doing, even if wrongly worded, then not care so much as to spend 3minutes of their time to see how I'm doing. I have a good friend who had her baby two weeks before mine. She had lost her father many years ago. The only time she has texted me is to offer me a job at her place of employment and then briefly was like oh yeah sorry about your mom. She's one of very few friends of mines who has lost a parent. I expected a little more from her in terms of support. That also hurts.
  11. Donna, My most deepest condolences. How lucky you got to spend many years with your mother. Mines was robbed from me when we was 65 in December 2016. But I know it would have never been enough. It would have hurt just as same had she been 100. Why? Bc they are such an enormous part of our lives no matter how old we are. Also, something I realized after her passing, my mother was the one person who loved me more anything in this world. The one person who truly loved me unconditionally. Nothing compares to a mother's love. It is extremely painful when that is gone. We will never again have our mother's to call to share gossip, talk about the weather, as for everyday advice etc. Our teachers and shoulders to cry on are gone. It feel as though someone has removed a limb from our bodies. Something that has been there since our birth. Something we don't know how to live without. I wish there were words to share with you to make such a void feel better. I simply don't think such words exist. Just know there are so many of us sharing the same pain and you have us to cry to.
  12. MissionBlue Absolutely. It's funny how differently I see life since my mother left. It's never looked more beautiful. I knew one day my mother would have to leave this earth. Just like everyone. We must all say goodbye to it one day. I wish I had more of these reminders when she was still here. I lived life as if that nightmare would never arrive. I read somewhere once that most people see their parents as their buffer for death. We expect our parents to leave this earth first. This being so, the article stated we don't think of our own death. But once our parents leave we are reminded for our mortality. I've been so reminded of how short this life really is. How beautiful it is to be alive. A part of me wants to travel more and experience all this world has to offer before I must say goodbye to it. I hope I can do it without the painful reminders of what my mom did not get to see. Athina I'm sorry it's so hard for you to be home. I feel that way whenever I go pay my father a visit. I was used to being greeted by my mother who was always so excited to see me. I always expect her to be the one to open the door. My dad has everything almost in the same place as my mother left it. He's toyed with the idea of donating some items but he can't commit to it. I'm glad. As painful as it is to be reminded of what my mother left behind it is also comforting. Every time I sit anywhere in the house I can imagine my mom sitting there too. I want to so badly talk to her. But she's not there. The dressers have her perfumes, hair brushes, makeup, face creams, hair products etc just as she left them. I can picture her standing in front of the dresser tinkering with all her girly stuff. Her clothes hangs in the closet just as she left them. Her shoe boxes are still tucked under the bed. Some of her clothes remain folded exactly the same. I know what you mean in that will you ever believe it's really happened. I was standing in my kitchen this weekend praying that by some miracle this has been the worst nightmare ever. I was literally standing in my kitchen pleaing with God that he make this nightmare go away.
  13. Happy Saturday to everyone. Hope your weekend is treating you guys well so far. We're having gorgeous weather today. It's 75 degrees with a nice breeze. I just came in from doing some spring time gardening and couldn't help but to think what my mom would have been doing on a beautiful day as today. My mom would have definitely done some laundry today and hung it out to dry. She still dried her clothes on clothes line outside when the weather was perfect for it. She would have gone shopping too bc she loved being out and about in perfect weather. We would have talked in the early evening, while she would be sitting out in the porch, about what a great day it was. She would have then hung up the phone to get ready for dinner and then church. I'm a person of faith and do believe she's in heaven. I know whatever is up there can't compare to what we have on earth. It must be a billion times more pretty in heaven. Nonetheless, I can't help but to feel sorry/sad for her for no longer being able to experience days such as this. As sorry as I feel for myself for no longer having my mother, I think I might be more sad for her. For all the things she will no longer be able to experience. As ugly as this world may seem sometimes and how hard life can feel sometimes, life is truly a beautiful thing to have. As I sit on my couch with the doors open, I can smell the clean air coming in, hear the birds chirping, and look at all the great things I have ie my family and home. I also feel deep sadness for my mom. For her no longer being able to have moments like this with her family. May you all have a blessed rest of your weekend. Xoxo.
  14. Good afternoon all, hope your Monday is as good as a Monday can get. I'm curious has anyone read the book "Motherless Daughters" ? I just started reading this book and I'm loving it. I recommend this good read. Have a great week!
  15. Everly My goodness you're talented! Those would surely bring a smile to anyone! silverkitties Hello! Isn't it funny how we never stop wanting our parents to be proud of us! I'm the same way when I finish a project. I would always show my mom my completed projects and I think she would get more satisfaction from them than me. Deidre Welcome! I'm terribly sorry for your loss. That's terribly sad. I can't imagine how you must feel. My mother died abruptly as well. Except she was healthy as a horse. Not even a cold. Just didn't wake up from her sleep from one day to the next. I don't know if there is ever enough time with our loved ones. Whether they die at 40 or 100. But there's something especially horrid about not forseeing someone's death or not having enough time to say goodbye. One month was terribly short and I'm sorry that was the case for your family.