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About ELiz

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

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  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
    December 19, 2016
  1. My mother passing away December 19th of last year. I wish I had known last Thanksgiving would have been my last with her. Christmas came and went. We did things with the kids but I was so lost in my grief. My first reminder of no more holidays with my mother. I didn’t care that Christmas wasn’t special. All I wanted was her. Next week we will be having our first Thanksgiving without her and that hurts badly. She made the best turkey and gravy like no other. I actually remembered the morning she passed away thinking “I never did that turkey recipe from her.” The things you think about after their gone (rolls eyes). I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I want to make holidays for them (and my husband). Holidays were always my favorite. Especially the winter ones. Having her pass during the holidays I feel has sucked away all the fun out of them for me. I don’t know how to be happy and not make my family suffer during the holidays by me being depressed by her absence. I know she would want me to be happy. But how can I be?
  2. @Genna I am terribly sorry to hear of your lost. My heart aches for you as I know how terrible the pain is. I wish there was something to help you through at least the first days but I can’t remember much words that made the pain any less painful. The first week is a roller coaster of emotions. Shock. Numbness. Pain. Emptiness. Crippling sadness. Guilt. I’ll never forget the morning I got the call. I woke up to many missed calls. I had phone on silent as I still had my newborn baby sleeping in our room and didn’t want calls/texts to wake her up. I got up to pee and listen to voice message from my parents. I knew something was wrong by the many missed call and voice message so early. But I thought it was about my dad as he has heart problems. Instead I heard a crippling voice message from my dad in agony. I called back and my brother answered and said mom was dead. I got off the phone and I’ll never forget my first thought. It was a thought of relief. My mom was relatively healthy. She wasn’t a burden. But with no knowing English and not being able to drive my whole life has consisted of helping her. But I did it bc I loved her and she was my mother. I feel bad knowing that’s what I first thought. Then I went into the room hearing my daughter cry and it wasn’t until I held her in my arms that I realized she would never know her grandmother. My mother would never see her first and very anticipated granddaughter grow up. This shattered me. With funeral arrangements and million of calls the first week was a blur. It wasn’t until everything settled that the pain became unbearable. I used to call my mom every evening. Back into routine of life I realized I could no longer call my mom. I could no longer tell her about my day and ask about hers. I could no longer gossip for hours about relatives. Call her about recipes. Call her for parenting advise. Coming on these forums for me through those rough first months. Almost a year later I find myself hoping to come across some of those ladies. I wonder how they’re doing. I’m glad they were there for me. I hope you too find people whether it’s here or in your personal life to get you through these hard moments. May you find some comfort.
  3. @silverkitties Thank you for sharing your story. You know exactly what I feel. Yesterday I emailed the funeral service provider bc they will doing a Celebration of Life event this month for families who have had funeral services there. They asked us to email two pictures. One was with the whole family. The other was one where she is holding a present. She loved beautifully wrapped presents almost as much as the present. I immediately started crying at the thought of never being able to spoil her with gifts again. She passed away 12/19 last year and I remember thinking that week, as I shopped for her funeral clothing, that that would be the last time I ever bought clothing and jewelry for her. But with her passing being on Christmas week it was hardly about gift buying. This year it’ll really hit when I’m shopping for everyone but her. When I see all the beautiful things she would have adored. @bloom I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I have family but despite having them I don’t think that void can ever be filled. I feel no about of loved ones in my life this holiday season will be able to take the pain of not having my mother. Thanksgiving will not taste the same. Christmas and new years dinners won’t be. Life is forever changed. @cindyjane I surely hope you’re right.
  4. Good afternoon everyone. I haven’t been here in a while. It seems like shortly after my mother’s passing 12/19/2016 I was here every week and wrote on my journal almost daily. I just noticed my last journal entry was on 7/7/2017. I don’t think of my mom as often as I used to. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know thinking of her overwhelms me with sadness. I think of the many memories she could have been a part of that she no longer will be able to be a part of. The holiday season coming up will be my first without my mom. I remember thinking the week she passed away, Christmas week, I had though to myself “I never did get they turkey recipe from her.” She always made the best turkey for thanksgiving. Even if she has given me the recipe it will never be the same. This season we will not be having the same meals. Many dishes only she knew how to prepare. No presents will be bought for her this Christmas... and boy did I love to spoil her. Holidays will most likely send me to the mall to buy gifts and outfits for celebrations. As I mentioned here before, I spent hundreds of thousands of hours at the mall with my mom. We both loved it so much. Now when I go to mall I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety. Every thing about the mall reminds me of her and our memories there. It’s both comforting that the mall induces such strong memories with her but also makes me want to run out crying to my car. How do you manage your emotions when going somewhere or doing something evokes such strong emotions?
  5. Hello everyone. It has been a few months since I last came in here. I've been thinking about coming here lately in hopes to see familiar names. I'm glad to see @The Girl @Athina @MayFGL and @reader . Hello to everyone else that I've yet to chat with. I hope everyone is as a good as they possible can be. It's now been 6.5 months since my mother's passing. I find that it's getting easier in some ways. When the pain was unreal I would journal. I can't remember the last time I wrote. While it's good to get a break from the grief it is also saddening. While I know I will never forget my mother and our memories, I find that the "easier" things are getting the less I think about her and the less "raw" or "real" her memories are. That makes me sad. My dad said at some point he stopped thinking of his own mother after she passed. He said it has been a while that he only thinks of her once or twice a year. I don't think that'll be the case for me anytime soon but that thought it scary. I do have events this summer that have been difficult to deal with. We recently went on a family vacation for my son's 3rd birthday. My mom was very much excited to go on that trip and it was difficult not having her there. My daughter will be getting baptized in two weeks. She won't be able to see her for that. Her first birthday is late this summer and she will be missing her first of many birthdays. I went to the mall this weekend and was surrounded by stores she once frequented. I couldn't help but look at the departments she once shopped at and thought of how she would have enjoyed trying on all of this season's clothes. It was also painful to see women shopping with whom I can assume was their mothers. They were much older in age than me and my mother. I couldn't help to be jealous that they have been able to have many years togethers. Years that me and my mother were robbed of.
  6. @MissionBlue That is a good idea. I think I will treat myself to something nice for Mother's Day. I don't expect fancy presents from my husband. I know I'm not his mother but some extra recognition on a very hard day would go a longs way. @Athina I completely understand that anger when I see my children too. It's not fair that they were robbed on their grandmother. On Mother's Day I will be boycotting social media and all reminder of others celebrating Mother's Day with their mothers. @MayFGL Happy Easter to you as well. This was a hard Easter for sure. First without my mother. I took her flowers Easter morning. I hadn't cried over my mother for a while before I went over Sunday. As soon as I got to her grave site I broke down. I surely miss her famous seafood soup she made every Good Friday. As I visited her on Sunday morning, I thought that she would have gotten up that morning getting ready for church. She got especially excited about holiday services. I thought about how she didn't get to spend it with my daughter's first Easter. I had to prepare family dinner and attempted to make one of her dishes. It of course wasn't the same. It never will. Hope everyone else is doing well. I haven't seen a couple of you in a while. So very weird thing happened at work today. A new staff member joined our team this morning. And guess what? She has same name as my mother. A VERY uncommon name around here. She's also from the same country as my mother. She looked about 10 years younger than my mother. She had A LOT of same features as my mother such as body frame and eyes. I was like what the heck?! It felt so eery. The entire time in staff meeting I found myself either trying to avoid her and when I looked at her my heart just ached. What are the odds that a person with same name, from same country and similar features as my mother had to come work at our office of all places in town?!
  7. Hello friends and new people. Hope you are all doing good considering. I've been good myself but know it's about to go south with Mother's Day coming up. It'll be my first Mother's Day ever without my mom. I already know I'm going to be a mess. Today I was joking at dinner table bc everyone was eating their warm dinner while I was tending to the baby as always. More often then not I'm last to eat and food is usually cold by time I get to it. Typical mom. Well I jokingly said, "this is why moms get better gifts at Mother's Day" jokingly referring to moms always catering to everyone else. Well husband joking said, "well you kids better get her something because she's not my mom." My kids are 2 years old and other is 7 months old. I'm not expecting him to buy me Mother's Day presents. I'm not HIS mother. Even though in my family that doesn't matter. The dads in my family always have the kids buy mommy something nice for Mother's Day from them (with dads money of course). It's just part of our upbringing. He sees it differently. Whatever I guess. But I guess that comment really bugged me today bc he knows how horrible Mother's Days will be for me from now on. Especially this first one. I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive bc of the circumstances and/or because I expect my husband to make this day special for me because of how hard it'll be for me. At least that's what I would do if the roles were reversed. Then again he's no where close to his parents as I was/am with mines.
  8. @The Girl I never thought of how I was able to give my mom what my kids gave to me. Thanks for that. I guess if my kids were older I wouldn't have expected them to do something different besides just being there for me to hug and kiss. I hope entertaining friends isn't too taxing on you. I remember feeling the same way as you after my moms passing. Don't wanting to entertain people but also wanting some feeling of normalcy. My mother died 5 days before Christmas Eve last year. While we only got with immediate family for Christmas Day we all did our own thing for New Year's Eve. We had people over bc we had a newborn so it was easier for our friends to come to us than it was for us to go to them. I didn't want company and I didn't care to see what happiness others had while I was in pain. While a small part welcomed the distraction I mostly did it for my husband. Although he was my greatest supporter he needed a break for the sorrow that had taken over our house.
  9. @silverkitties That is an interesting way of viewing having children. One of the most painful things for me, when looking at my children, is knowing that they will never remember their grandmother. That they missed the opportunity of making memories with each other. That my mother never got to see them grow up as they are only 6 months old and 2.5 years right now. However, I also think God gave me a daughter for a reason. He gave me my Lily just three months before my mother's passing. I think God knew how major of a void this mother/daughter relationship absence would mean to me so he gave me a daughter to have one with. Except now i'm the mother to a daughter. She has my eyes and my dimples. Besides that she looks nothing like me. However, her nose and other features remind me of my mother. Another thing I thought about after my mother's passing is that each of my children are a quarter of each grandparent. In a way I feel my relationship with my mother lives on through me and my daughter. Both you and @The Girl make interesting points about our mothers' after the passing of their own parents. I'm sure the memories you guys had with your mothers helped them through their grieving process in more ways than you know. I can almost guarantee it. As all it takes is a smile from my children to snap me out of whatever depressed feelings I have if just for a moment. I remember my mother grieving for her mother. It was a painful thing to watch. My grandmother lived out of the country so my mom was only able to see her once every so many years. Not nearly enough. I think not spending much time with my mom over the years made it especially painful for my mother. My mom would throw herself on the floor and cry and as a young child I remember not knowing how to react. Looking back I should have at least hugged her. I was just so young I didn't know what to do. I know over the years she thought of her mother. She dreamt of her mother several times before her passing as well. She told me a few months before her passing that she had a very vivid dream of her mother. Although I know my mom would have loved to have been around longer I think she's very happy in heaven to finally be reunited with her mother whom she adored. This sounds horrible because I loved my life. My children. My husband. My father. My brother etc. All who are still alive. But, the grieving side of me can't wait to reunite with my mother one day. I miss her terribly.
  10. @The Girl Not ever having enough time is definitely true. I just pray to God that whatever time I did have with her made her happy even though to her it would never have been enough. I didn't move out of my parents house until I was about 26 years old. I had it way to good at home and did not find a need to move out until i had to. Which didn't happen until I became engaged in 2012 and moved in with fiancé (now husband). I was only 31 when my mother passed away last year so I was only out of the home 5 years. I guess I can find some comfort that I was able to spend 26 out of 31 years with her. @Athina Thank you. It is definitely a very humbling experience and can definitely sympathize/empathize with my clients much much more. I just wish it was easy to take advice as it is to give it to others. @silverkitties I hope you are feeling better. I'm sorry you are having to take on so much. It's only been 3 months since my mother passed away and makes me sad that in three years I will still feel as bad as you do. It's a sad reality when all you have left of that person are memories. Memories that make you both happy and sad when thinking of them.
  11. @MissionBlue Thank you for sharing that CBT reference. I love that quote reference. I'm actually a mental health therapist myself. In a lot of ways, my line of work has helped with this healing process. Prior to my mother's passing I was on maternity leave. The very last client I provided services to before going on leave was to a young lady who was working through grief bc she had lost her mother. She had been my only client that I had seen completely through treatment as many stop attending services before end of treatment. Then as soon as I returned back to work after maternity leave + bereavement I seemed to attract every grieving person in my town. More often than not women who had lost their mothers. I was like are you freakin kidding me?! It almost felt like a cruel joke. I had to really put my therapy skills to use in order to provide therapy to these types of clients following my own experience. I recently brought this up to my supervisor the other day and she told me maybe life sent me those clients for a reason. I saw a whole client through the process before it happened to me. And I my first client back same issue. While therapy is not about me, and I never allow it to be about me, i find that through helping my clients I am somehow benefiting as well. Maybe by the advice I give them my brain applies it my own similar situation. Btw I really enjoyed that chart thing to. Thank you for sharing that. Very insightful. It's hard for me to imagine a relationship with a parent taking such little room on that chart. Maybe bc since losing my mom I feel like I have lost a major part of life. She is the person I had the longest relationship with. The person I called for almost everything. The person who took a huge part of my heart. Her role in my life seems even bigger now that she's not here. But like you said we all have our own lives to live. I would never want my children feel like they couldn't explore all this works has to offer bc they need to be by my side all the time. I have to really remind myself of that. It doesn't help that my mom was queen of guilt trips. If I spent more than a few days without calling her she would get mad or get her feelings hurt. I think she needed me more than I needed her.
  12. @MissionBlue I understand what you mean about wishing you spent less time on your own hobbies. I often feel a lot of guilt about this. I feel guilty about all the lazy weekends I spent on the couch wasting away watching tv. She often expressed wanting to go out shopping and wanting my company. However there were some weekends I just simply wanted to rest after a long week at work. Then there were weekends where i just wanted to be with my friends. I am left with feelings of being so selfish. I have to remind myself though that I was my own person with my own life. I struggle with that though due to culture. In my family we are very close to our relatives and it's all about family. As I got older I became more alculturated to a more independent American culture. At times family time didn't seem as important. I know this was hard on my mom. I don't know how to not feel guilty about this despite reminding myself that I had other things in my life besides her and couldn't dedicate all my free time to her. I guess grief wouldn't be grief without a nice dose of guilt about something.
  13. MissionBlue I'm reading your last post and found it funny that you mentioned that any writing left behind by your father is like a holy relic. I took a picture of a small note that my mother had wrote with someone's phone number on it. I have it saved under all of my treasured family pictures. I want to remember everything about my mother. Whenever I go to my parent's house, I find myself looking for anything and everything that reminds me of my mother. Seeing notes around the house that she wrote are some of my favorite memories of her. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I had a pretty good weekend. I took my mother some pretty sunflowers to her grave today. I wish I could have stayed a while to talk to her but the cemetery was pretty busy and there was a family celebrating their loved one's birthday a few feet away from my mother. It's not until I got home that I realized my mother has been gone exactly 3 months today. I feel so bipolar these days. Just a few days ago I was very sad/depressed and felt as if I had just lost her. This weekend was good and it felt like she's been gone much longer. Hope everyone has a good week.
  14. @MayFGL sending hugs your way. What a hard day it must have been for you. Anniversaries and can be so difficult. It's a reminder of all the time you could have had with them and what could have been different. I often wonder how I'm going to navigate the rest of my life without my. As painful as her passing is to remember on a daily basis it's also what keeps her memory fresh in my mind. I may get a break from it one day here and one day there but she'll never be absent from my mind too long. Our mothers will always be in our hearts and as long as our hearts are beating they'll be with us if only in spirit. Again I'm sorry. @reader I'm sorry you're living with so much guilt. The sad thing about guilt is no matter what others tell you it'll never go away until you start disproving it for yourself. I think all of us will live with the what ifs for the rest of our lives. My situation was different but I'll always wonder how I could have given my mom a better life while she was with us. I could have spent more time with her. I could have helped her more in whatever she needed help with. Looking back there's so much more I would have done for my mother. However I don't think it could have ever been enough. I know I did more for my mother than others do for theirs. I tried to be the best considering I'm human and do stupid human things. Please don't beat yourself up. I hope with time you start feeling better about things. One days we'll be our mothers age, God willing, and we'll have to reflect on the lives we had. I hope I can say I lived life to the fullest. Our mothers would want us to be happy. Guilt is a normal part of grieving but don't let it take away from your life either.
  15. @The Girl I completely agree that don't know what to do/say and end up saying/doing the wrong thing by mistake. I would be talking with my girls and one minute they would be totally empathetic and the next minute joking about something inappropriate. I had to really work on understanding and remembering that they didn't know what I was going through. I also had to remind myself to be grateful that they were trying to be there for me even if it meant distracting me with stupidity. As much as their comments got on my nerves at least they cared to be there for me. I had friends who didn't so much as offer me condolences. I have a friend who flat out stopped texting me after my mother's passing. Maybe bc she doesn't know what to say. Although I much rather have a friend ask me how I'm doing, even if wrongly worded, then not care so much as to spend 3minutes of their time to see how I'm doing. I have a good friend who had her baby two weeks before mine. She had lost her father many years ago. The only time she has texted me is to offer me a job at her place of employment and then briefly was like oh yeah sorry about your mom. She's one of very few friends of mines who has lost a parent. I expected a little more from her in terms of support. That also hurts.