Numb and Lost

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Everything posted by Numb and Lost

  1. Thank you Zara. I guess reality sets in more and more as time goes by. In the beginning I felt like I needed to do something. I didn't know what exactly but just felt there was just something. I wanted to try and contact a friend of his or something. I messaged a family member just saying I was a friend and sending condolences just to see if she might knows something. Now I feel even that was a mistake. It's just I was grasping for anything I could cling to. Now that feeling has settled and I know there is nothing that could make this better. I would still love to have something of his or talk to someone that might have known about me but I don't feel a need to seek it out. Its not like it would change things. I just commented the other day that I had stopped waking up with those few seconds of forgetting he was gone. But then last night I dreamed that I was talking to him and he told me he had cancer and only had three months to live. I was very distressed in my dream and I woke up with a millisecond of relief that it was only a dream before remembering reality was actually worse than that. He was already gone and there wasn't warning or a goodbye. I feel like I must be either the weakest person ever or I just love so deeply, maybe both. I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me. He just meant so much to me and I can never tell him and I can never ask what I meant to him. He is always always always on my mind. I looked at a picture of his family and as much as I love him seeing that picture of his wife and kids without him just broke me down so much. I don't think at 3 the youngest will even remember him and that hurts my heart so much. He had so much love for his kids. It all hurts. I feel like I just have a constant overshadow of sadness no matter what I'm doing. I can be doing daily chores, working etc and all of a sudden I just recall a memory and see his smiling face and I don't know how I can ever be okay.
  2. That is true. They are the only things in life that keep me going at all.
  3. Thank you KayC. I just feel like he's so far away. I feel like I can't remember what it felt like for him to be here because the pain is so great that's all I can feel. I can't put the feeling into words. I try to tell myself for a few minutes that it isn't true just so I can imagine how it would feel if weren't and I can't. I just have this feeling that I can't describe. I feel so lost and confused. A little earlier in the day I was doing okay but then I've been walking around randomly crying the past few hours. When it all hits it just hurts so much. Sometimes I'll turn the radio on and then all of a sudden I just hate it and turn it down quickly and I just get nauseated. I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this. The pain is just so bad.
  4. I question it because of the situation. We didn't really talk about it because it's like that made the guilt worse I guess. I start to question was it just lust for him, and stuff like that. In my heart I know it wasn't because I know how he acted around me but we just didn't talk about it. I thought I hadn't all the time in the world to ask and tell him just how I felt. I was even planning to when I was going to see him in the next few days. I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there. There was an undeniable crazy chemistry between us like nothing else from the day we met. I have NEVER felt anything like it and I'm sure I never will. Those feelings never faded either even after years. I just could never put into words what he means to me.
  5. Thank you, I certainly need all the prayers I can get. I will pray for you too. It has almost been four months for me. I am better than I was in the very beginning. I can eat somewhat normal now and I'm not crying every second of the day. I still have suffocating moments of sadness and complete break down. There hasn't been a day that I have not cried at all. I am not myself anymore. I really loved life. I loved doing all kinds of things and just had an enthusiasm for life. Now I just feel a constant overcasting cloud of depression no matter what I'm doing. I don't think I could ever be the person I once was after all of this. For me what hurts me the most still is the unresolved feelings and questions. I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have. I question how he really felt about me more and more the longer he is gone. He just seems farther away with each passing day. I wish I would have asked him to tell me exactly how he felt. We had been planning to see each other in the next few days and I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like I'm still living in December sometimes. I'm still looking forward to seeing him, whenever that may be.
  6. I can't put into words how I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I just feel empty. I'm living and I even laugh at things sometimes but there is just a constant cloud of emptiness over my life and feelings that I can never resolve. Like you Fzald, I'm better than I was but I don't feel joyful or look forward to anything. My worst moments are still in the car when I'm alone. Sometimes I try to push through and push him out of my mind until I just can't do it anymore, and then I absorb myself in his pictures and anything else that makes me feel connected to him. If I do have moments that I'm laughing or moments of "happiness" I suddenly remember why I can't be happy. It isn't that I feel guilty about being happy or anything like that. It is truly that I remember in that moment he is gone forever.
  7. I was doing better for a few days. I had a lot to keep me distracted. I feel a little better and then the grief overwhelms me and it's just crippling. When it overcomes me nothing matters. Sometimes I still have feelings of disbelief but for the most part it is starting to sink in that he is really gone. I don't forget those first few minutes when I wake up anymore. Honestly that makes it hurt even worse that I don't. I take showers so I can just hide and break down and cry. I can be okay and then it hits out of nowhere. I still have the anxiety attacks with the dizziness and nausea that make it even worse at times. I don't post much here anymore because I don't have anything new to say. I'm just still in so much pain. For a while I completely pushed "I won't see him again out of my head" because I plan on seeing him in heaven. I even think of things I might tell him. I try not to think about how long that might be or what it might look like but it creeps in my mind whether I try or not. In the beginning I was desperate to maybe talk to his friend or family as if it might "help" or "change things." I don't really have the urge anymore simply because it wouldn't change anything. There is nothing that could make this hurt any less. In those first moments and days it almost seems like something can help but as time goes on it seems "normal" for him to be gone. That hurts even more. Normal isn't really the right word, I should say it seems real. Sometimes I could feel when he was about to call me or text me even if it had been a long time. It's almost like I knew he was thinking about me before he called just as I was thinking of him. Now I feel that he isn't here. I don't know how to explain it.
  8. That's definitely how I feel, scared that I will always live with this pain. There is so much unresolve and so many things I never got to say. I'm mourning in so many different ways, mourning that I didn't meet him earlier in life under the right circumstances, mourning a lost hope, and of course most of all mourning the loss of him. I know I could never feel what he made me feel again. Never. I want to feel better but at the same time I feel like the only way I could do that is if I forget the way he made me feel. I don't want to forget. I push it out of my mind but then all of a sudden it hits so hard. I was remembering something yesterday and I could just feel all of it, every emotion just as if it was just happening. It hurts so so much. I can hear his voice so clearly, see him in my mind, and feel the love I have for him and my heart just cannot comprehend or understand he isn't here anymore.
  9. I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die.
  10. I wish there was a suggestion box and we could ask for one more time to see someone to at least say goodbye.
  11. I run over and over his last days too. I know I can't change it but it's like I'm trying to work it out in my mind somehow. Even though it's been three months I am still in total shock all of the time. I still can't comprehend this is real. I think because I dreamed it before it happened it makes it more difficult. I don't know if that was some sort of warning to prepare me or what but it makes it harder. When I woke up from that dream I was so relieved and I thought that is the one thing I couldn't bear. I just can't believe I am living that nightmare. I just don't feel like it can be real it doesn't seem like he can really be gone. It hurts so much I have nothing tangible to hold on to. I just wish I had something I could just hold and cry. I look at his Facebook all the time and screenshots of texts because it is all in the world I have to keep his memory. Every day I just wait for it to be nighttime and I wonder if this is all my life will ever be now because while I function and I am "living" I am so unhappy. I am just absolutely miserable. I wish I had one person that loved him too I could talk to.
  12. Just reading those lyrics made me cry. One thing that really hurts is how my friends seem to think none of it should matter now that he's gone. I wonder what he meant by certain things are how he felt about things and they reply "it doesn't really matter now." As if his life didn't matter at all now that he's gone. I don't talk to them anymore really. I think I understand the feelings you can't describe. I also have feelings between the numb and complete agony that I just can't put into words at all.
  13. Thank you KayC I'll check them out
  14. I just wonder if I'll ever get to that point. I thought I was doing a little better and then it's like I crashed and got even worse.
  15. I feel like I am absolutely suffocating today. I am drowning in grief and I don't think I'll ever pull out. My heart hurts so much. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in just as much shock as I was that first moment I knew. I just can't comprehend it. I don't feel like I can go on and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so alone and this is the only place I have. My friends that know don't understand, and neither do my parents. I just want to curl up and die it hurts so much.
  16. I'm sure part of your hesitation to move is feeling like you are leaving Pat behind since that is where you lived together. He was never even in my house but I almost dread moving just because I have memories of talking to him in this house. I am sitting right now the last place I saw his face in a FaceTime call. Sometimes I hold my phone up like it was when I was talking to him in that moment and it feels like it was just a few minutes ago. The memories are all we have left. But of course we will have our memories no matter where we move. I have found nothing consoles me so I am going to be depressed whether here or there. I'm sure being close to your daughter would be nice though.
  17. I still look for him when I'm driving. If I see a truck like his I look at it just like I used to when he was alive, like he might be in there or something. Of course I know he isn't, but I look anyway. Sometimes if I see one up ahead of me I even try to catch up to it. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed at night because I can sleep and not feel the pain. Last night my dream was painful though. I dreamed I was going through a stack of pictures of him crying. I knew he was gone in my dream, but I thought "this has to be a dream and I'll wake up from it." But of course I just woke up to the reality that he is truly gone.
  18. For any day that I make any progress the next day I feel completely hopeless. I don't know how anyone is ever okay after this. The last time I ever heard from him was a text exactly three months ago today. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't think I will ever be okay. I just can't cope with this at all.
  19. Fzald of that describes exactly how I feel! I'm just here.
  20. Fzald it's the same for me. I can't think about memories at all without breaking down in tears. I might smile when I think about them but I'm also crying tears of sadness at the same time. This morning I thought so this is it? I'm just going to get up every day and push myself through the day every day for the rest of my life depressed? Even if I'm not crying I'm just here. I can be working, cleaning, etc but it still just feels like waiting on the day to end. I dreamed last night that I found out it wasn't true and he was alive. I got a call in my dream that I just knew was him and it was around 10. Last time I talked to him I told him to call me if he could around 10ish the next day. The last text I got from him was around 10. I was so happy and relieved in my dream. I dreamed he died and he did in real life so I think why can't this dream come too. I have times now that I'm okay but it's because I am pushing the finality of it out of my mind . When it comes back and I can't push it away any longer I feel like I absolutely can't handle it at all. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't go on. I can't stop thinking about that text I never responded to.
  21. Faith as small as a mustard seed, that is what I have when I write a letter to him and believe perhaps God will really show it to him as I prayed. Because why not? I won't know, but even the thought that he might is an encouragement. It's painful to watch life keep going without missing a beat. Sometimes I watch all the cars, people coming and going as if nothing has changed. I feel like it should all stop in his absence but it doesn't. I'm having periods of complete breakdowns followed by periods of numbness and confusion. It's so pretty today and the perfect temperature and all I can think about is how he would have wanted to be here riding that stupid motorcycle, the one that killed him.
  22. Thank you KayC. Fzald I think one reason mornings are the worst, besides the nanosecond of denial, is we know we have the whole day ahead of us to face the pain. There is nothing that we want to do as there used to be. We just sit or lay most of the day trying to continuously work through this thing that can't be worked out. The counselor told me they start to worry when someone is still in this state at 6 months. Well I am pretty sure not much will change in how I feel in 3 months from now.
  23. I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds.
  24. No people don't get it at all. I'm functioning in public better most of the time. My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot. I can even conversate normally most of the time but when I get in the car I cry. I went for a 3 mile run today and cried most of the time. Just knowing he isn't here makes me feel an emptiness I can't describe. When I used to be busy doing things, or even times we weren't talking or seeing each other I was still happy and loved life. I just liked knowing he was here and knowing when I saw him or talked to him again was something to look forward to. Now I just live to make it until tomorrow. I function. My house is clean, laundry is done, my kids are taken care of but I just have an overwhelming emptiness.
  25. I can't use the word dead either. I don't even speak of him in past tense most of the time. I don't want to say I loved him because I still do love him whether he is here or not. I can't stand when people act like I'm just supposed to forget about him like he didn't even exist. "You have to focus on what's here" they say. I looked at his wife's Facebook and she is smiling really big in every recent picture. It makes me upset and I don't know why. She hasn't posted anything about him at all since he died but comments on everything else. I'm sure that is just her way of dealing with it. He talked like she was a private person. It just bothers me though. I don't feel like smiling period much less in a picture. I don't even want to be in a picture at all.