Numb and Lost

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Everything posted by Numb and Lost

  1. Thank you KMB and KayC
  2. I haven't posted or come to the forum in a while because I just feel like everything I do whether it's counseling, posting, talking, taking medication is all just futile. My heart hurts the same regardless. I feel like no one I tell truly cares or understands. Even the grief counselor who had lost her husband I felt like couldn't understand how I feel. I know everyone handles things and feels differently. It's been almost 6 months and every day is such a struggle just to make it through, and every day is filled with so many tears and so much pain that never diminishes at all. I have so much pain and I feel like I'm utterly and completely alone. I see all his family post pictures about how much they loved him and share memories and I'm just here with no one to share those with and nothing to remember him by and it just really really hurts. I see a picture and I feel like I'm just going to suffocate and I just cry and beg God to please make it stop. May be lots of typos and errors in this as I text it out on my phone in a frenzy of tears.
  3. Kay C I'm sure you will do great also. I guess that's one of those things you can't really say no to! I did wear the shoes, and smiled and cried while looking at them throughout the day.
  4. Little things get to me every day. Like today I put on the shoes I wore the last time I saw him and I cried and cried. I haven't worn them since he died. I had told him earlier that day I had on cute shoes and when he saw me he said "those are cute shoes." I just haven't been able to wear them.
  5. Thank you Francine. I have been doing a whole lot of praying. I pray maybe he can be a special friend of mine when I get to heaven and maybe there is a plan God has for me to know him there one day again. I pray that maybe God did intend for me to meet him even if it wasnt for this life maybe it was only so I would know him there one day.
  6. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this pain. I know I'm not but in day to day life it feels that way a lot. I hate to know you all are hurting too but it does make me feel less alone. KMB that's how I feel too, like I don't belong here. I feel guilty about feeling so depressed but I can't change it. People that say "happiness is a choice" haven't felt my pain. I don't feel like I'm the same person at all. I just wonder if there are some of us that it will never get any better for and maybe I am one of those. I can't imagine it ever hurting less. My fear is if it ever does hurt less it will be because I have forgotten how he made me feel and what he brought to my life. Because unless I forget that I can't imagine the pain being any less. I love so hard and so deep when I love, and I am one of the most sentimental emotional people I know. "To feel everything so very deeply is a both a blessing and a curse"
  7. Thank you. I wish so much that the pain could stop and I just don't feel like it ever will. The worst is feeling so distant from him now that he's not here. I think how some people still have their loved ones things and live in the house they lived in, and most of all shared memories amongst each other. And I just feel like I'm living in some kind of twilight zone like he wasn't even real. I feel like he's so far away. I'm just crying and rambling but sometimes it even physically makes me sick. I did see a psychiatrist as well but I ended up going back to just the general MD. She had changed my meds and it made me even worse so I went back to one I felt more comfortable talking to. I'm taking antidepressants and xanax to help manage the panic. Sometimes I remember that day, how I found out, and I imagine the accident and I try not to but my mind does it anyway and it just sends me into a horrible panic. It just isn't fair. It haunts me the most that I feared it so much which seemed irrationally as he was so young, and yet it actually happened. I dreamed the status I ended up reading in reality about his death. That all somehow makes it hurt me worse.
  8. Thank you. I would sure like to think so.
  9. I was kind of sad to have had the dream but I was kind of thankful for it too
  10. I catch myself using past tense sometimes and it makes me upset. I had a dream about him last night different than most I have. Usually when he's in my dream he's there but I can't "get to him" if that makes sense. But last night I dreamed about being in the place where we met and how it was and the feelings I had. Then he gave me this hug that felt so real. He looked and somebody and said "I just love this girl." I felt all the feelings I always had when I was in his presence. I was smiling in my dream and I was still smiling when I woke up for a few minutes. Then of course I realized it was a only a dream. It's an odd thing to smile and yet cry and be broken at the same time.
  11. I might have implied alcohol on an earlier post as not to be too revealing of my identity. I can't remember if I did but it's possible. Sorry for the confusion.
  12. Sorry you had to go through all that KayC. I don't know if you had kids with him or not but having children with someone and the way the children feel about him makes a lot of difference in decisions and makes things harder. Right now he is stable and ok. That's good because my mind and heart can't handle both the grief and any strife there too right now. It just can't. Either way I don't want to find any other love again anyway. I would never in a million years feel what he (the one that died) made me feel. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I've really come to the conclusion that I must just feel emotions deeper than some. I'm not talking about it period anymore with any of my friends because they can't understand or comprehend my grief or pain. I don't think they can comprehend it because they have never felt that way to begin with.
  13. No offense at all. I feel like his coming is near but I guess we just won't know until it happens. I know if it were meant to be it would have been but it's still so hard. I don't think our situations would have ever allowed us to be together even if he were here, but just knowing he was here made me happy.
  14. I sent you a message about the husband situation.
  15. Thank you. I'm honestly just hoping Jesus comes and gets us all soon.
  16. It isn't that I'm putting up screens it's just counseling is one of those things that helps some people which is great, and some people it doesn't. I did see a counselor specialized in grief twice, and it just isn't for me. There aren't any steps I can write down, any categorizing of feelings, or psychotherapy that will help me feel better. I even remember learning those techniques myself in my college psych classes. More or less I think a lot of people it helps due to the fact they can talk about that person as others in society have become uncomfortable hearing about it, but sitting face to face with a stranger discussing it just doesn't help me. I come here I guess just because I can type it all out and rant away and no one sees me or knows me. My friend said "he wasn't the end all be all," well she may think that but in some ways for me he was. I won't feel that again so in that aspect he was the end all, be all. I don't think that is fair for someone to say who hasn't lost someone that meant what he meant to me. I function, clean, work etc. I feel like my purpose in life is just to take care of my kids and try to make sure they have a happy life. Im just going to do that while also being forever sad knowing I'll never see him again and nothing can change or help that. I do appreciate your suggestions though, and I appreciate you all listening very much. I am glad that counseling has benefited others. The only thing that gives me comfort is the hope of seeing him again in heaven. I will say God and prayer thus far has been my only source of comfort. Sometimes I pray and I feel His peace come over me.
  17. As down and hopeless as I am I don't let it affect my caring for my kids. I don't let it affect my job and I don't depend on my husband for any monetary support. I am careful to put too much on here just in case someone I know ever stumbles upon this forum and figures out its me, but my husband's addiction behaviors are different than anyone I've ever seen and his counselors have even told me the same. Like I said I can't really go into detail. I doubt anyone I know will ever be on here but I guess you never know. I haven't been crying as much the past few days, I just feel that same feeling that things are pointless. Loving my kids of course will never be pointless, but things like fixing myself up, wearing a pretty dress, fixing my house up. Not that I sit around and am I slob or anything lol, I just feel like it doesn't matter if I wear something really nice. With everything I did he was in the back of my mind all the time, and I was always looking forward to when I would talk to him or see him. Now what? Even places that have nothing to do with him make me depressed simply because I have memories being there myself at a time when he was still alive. Or maybe I had just seen him and went to a place the next day, being at that place hurts. I just can't get over it at all. It's like I've said time and time again though it is the unresolved business that makes it worse. It would be terrible still if I had known but at least I could have said things I needed to say, seen him, and said goodbye. I was looking forward to seeing him for 2 months and now I just can't let go of him. I constantly still feel like I'm still just waiting. He made me feel a way that I think some people will never understand, just his smile and being around him. I pray all the time that somehow that feeling can be preserved when I see him again in heaven even if we don't have relationships like that, and obviously even though mine was wrong to begin with. Without that feeling and knowing I'll never have it again it's hard to feel "life."
  18. It's been 5 months for me and it's getting worse. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I do have thoughts of just wanting it to be over. I feel there is truly no hope for me. It's a very complicated situation, but my grief gets more painful every day while I also have other problems that I am in too much pain to even describe. Any strength I had has just left and I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I even have any tears left to cry. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done? I don't even know what to say anymore or how to express myself. I just feel so nauseated and helpless.
  19. (Christian view point) I think about that story in the Bible when they see Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah they knew who they were despite them having died long long before. Just seeing them they knew who they were. I like that story because it to me it means they are still recognizable, and even recognizable to people that had not seen them before. So maybe all the things I didn't get to tell him he knows now anyway because we have a higher level of understanding and knowing when we die. Another verse comes to mind the one that says we will know even as we know ourselves. So many things we don't know and won't know until it's our time, all we can do is imagine. I appreciate y'all. I don't have much of an outlet other than here <3
  20. I hope so. I hope that they are able to think about us still in heaven. That's is the hardest thing for me. When we weren't seeing each other at times it made me happy just knowing he was thinking about me. I knew he was. Now I don't know. It feels so differently than when others I have know passed away. I still sort of feel his existence sometimes it just feels so far away.
  21. Thank you Zara. I guess reality sets in more and more as time goes by. In the beginning I felt like I needed to do something. I didn't know what exactly but just felt there was just something. I wanted to try and contact a friend of his or something. I messaged a family member just saying I was a friend and sending condolences just to see if she might knows something. Now I feel even that was a mistake. It's just I was grasping for anything I could cling to. Now that feeling has settled and I know there is nothing that could make this better. I would still love to have something of his or talk to someone that might have known about me but I don't feel a need to seek it out. Its not like it would change things. I just commented the other day that I had stopped waking up with those few seconds of forgetting he was gone. But then last night I dreamed that I was talking to him and he told me he had cancer and only had three months to live. I was very distressed in my dream and I woke up with a millisecond of relief that it was only a dream before remembering reality was actually worse than that. He was already gone and there wasn't warning or a goodbye. I feel like I must be either the weakest person ever or I just love so deeply, maybe both. I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me. He just meant so much to me and I can never tell him and I can never ask what I meant to him. He is always always always on my mind. I looked at a picture of his family and as much as I love him seeing that picture of his wife and kids without him just broke me down so much. I don't think at 3 the youngest will even remember him and that hurts my heart so much. He had so much love for his kids. It all hurts. I feel like I just have a constant overshadow of sadness no matter what I'm doing. I can be doing daily chores, working etc and all of a sudden I just recall a memory and see his smiling face and I don't know how I can ever be okay.
  22. That is true. They are the only things in life that keep me going at all.
  23. Thank you KayC. I just feel like he's so far away. I feel like I can't remember what it felt like for him to be here because the pain is so great that's all I can feel. I can't put the feeling into words. I try to tell myself for a few minutes that it isn't true just so I can imagine how it would feel if weren't and I can't. I just have this feeling that I can't describe. I feel so lost and confused. A little earlier in the day I was doing okay but then I've been walking around randomly crying the past few hours. When it all hits it just hurts so much. Sometimes I'll turn the radio on and then all of a sudden I just hate it and turn it down quickly and I just get nauseated. I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this. The pain is just so bad.
  24. I question it because of the situation. We didn't really talk about it because it's like that made the guilt worse I guess. I start to question was it just lust for him, and stuff like that. In my heart I know it wasn't because I know how he acted around me but we just didn't talk about it. I thought I hadn't all the time in the world to ask and tell him just how I felt. I was even planning to when I was going to see him in the next few days. I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there. There was an undeniable crazy chemistry between us like nothing else from the day we met. I have NEVER felt anything like it and I'm sure I never will. Those feelings never faded either even after years. I just could never put into words what he means to me.
  25. Thank you, I certainly need all the prayers I can get. I will pray for you too. It has almost been four months for me. I am better than I was in the very beginning. I can eat somewhat normal now and I'm not crying every second of the day. I still have suffocating moments of sadness and complete break down. There hasn't been a day that I have not cried at all. I am not myself anymore. I really loved life. I loved doing all kinds of things and just had an enthusiasm for life. Now I just feel a constant overcasting cloud of depression no matter what I'm doing. I don't think I could ever be the person I once was after all of this. For me what hurts me the most still is the unresolved feelings and questions. I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have. I question how he really felt about me more and more the longer he is gone. He just seems farther away with each passing day. I wish I would have asked him to tell me exactly how he felt. We had been planning to see each other in the next few days and I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like I'm still living in December sometimes. I'm still looking forward to seeing him, whenever that may be.