Numb and Lost

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Everything posted by Numb and Lost

  1. Thank you. I would sure like to think so.
  2. I was kind of sad to have had the dream but I was kind of thankful for it too
  3. I catch myself using past tense sometimes and it makes me upset. I had a dream about him last night different than most I have. Usually when he's in my dream he's there but I can't "get to him" if that makes sense. But last night I dreamed about being in the place where we met and how it was and the feelings I had. Then he gave me this hug that felt so real. He looked and somebody and said "I just love this girl." I felt all the feelings I always had when I was in his presence. I was smiling in my dream and I was still smiling when I woke up for a few minutes. Then of course I realized it was a only a dream. It's an odd thing to smile and yet cry and be broken at the same time.
  4. I might have implied alcohol on an earlier post as not to be too revealing of my identity. I can't remember if I did but it's possible. Sorry for the confusion.
  5. Sorry you had to go through all that KayC. I don't know if you had kids with him or not but having children with someone and the way the children feel about him makes a lot of difference in decisions and makes things harder. Right now he is stable and ok. That's good because my mind and heart can't handle both the grief and any strife there too right now. It just can't. Either way I don't want to find any other love again anyway. I would never in a million years feel what he (the one that died) made me feel. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I've really come to the conclusion that I must just feel emotions deeper than some. I'm not talking about it period anymore with any of my friends because they can't understand or comprehend my grief or pain. I don't think they can comprehend it because they have never felt that way to begin with.
  6. No offense at all. I feel like his coming is near but I guess we just won't know until it happens. I know if it were meant to be it would have been but it's still so hard. I don't think our situations would have ever allowed us to be together even if he were here, but just knowing he was here made me happy.
  7. I sent you a message about the husband situation.
  8. Thank you. I'm honestly just hoping Jesus comes and gets us all soon.
  9. It isn't that I'm putting up screens it's just counseling is one of those things that helps some people which is great, and some people it doesn't. I did see a counselor specialized in grief twice, and it just isn't for me. There aren't any steps I can write down, any categorizing of feelings, or psychotherapy that will help me feel better. I even remember learning those techniques myself in my college psych classes. More or less I think a lot of people it helps due to the fact they can talk about that person as others in society have become uncomfortable hearing about it, but sitting face to face with a stranger discussing it just doesn't help me. I come here I guess just because I can type it all out and rant away and no one sees me or knows me. My friend said "he wasn't the end all be all," well she may think that but in some ways for me he was. I won't feel that again so in that aspect he was the end all, be all. I don't think that is fair for someone to say who hasn't lost someone that meant what he meant to me. I function, clean, work etc. I feel like my purpose in life is just to take care of my kids and try to make sure they have a happy life. Im just going to do that while also being forever sad knowing I'll never see him again and nothing can change or help that. I do appreciate your suggestions though, and I appreciate you all listening very much. I am glad that counseling has benefited others. The only thing that gives me comfort is the hope of seeing him again in heaven. I will say God and prayer thus far has been my only source of comfort. Sometimes I pray and I feel His peace come over me.
  10. As down and hopeless as I am I don't let it affect my caring for my kids. I don't let it affect my job and I don't depend on my husband for any monetary support. I am careful to put too much on here just in case someone I know ever stumbles upon this forum and figures out its me, but my husband's addiction behaviors are different than anyone I've ever seen and his counselors have even told me the same. Like I said I can't really go into detail. I doubt anyone I know will ever be on here but I guess you never know. I haven't been crying as much the past few days, I just feel that same feeling that things are pointless. Loving my kids of course will never be pointless, but things like fixing myself up, wearing a pretty dress, fixing my house up. Not that I sit around and am I slob or anything lol, I just feel like it doesn't matter if I wear something really nice. With everything I did he was in the back of my mind all the time, and I was always looking forward to when I would talk to him or see him. Now what? Even places that have nothing to do with him make me depressed simply because I have memories being there myself at a time when he was still alive. Or maybe I had just seen him and went to a place the next day, being at that place hurts. I just can't get over it at all. It's like I've said time and time again though it is the unresolved business that makes it worse. It would be terrible still if I had known but at least I could have said things I needed to say, seen him, and said goodbye. I was looking forward to seeing him for 2 months and now I just can't let go of him. I constantly still feel like I'm still just waiting. He made me feel a way that I think some people will never understand, just his smile and being around him. I pray all the time that somehow that feeling can be preserved when I see him again in heaven even if we don't have relationships like that, and obviously even though mine was wrong to begin with. Without that feeling and knowing I'll never have it again it's hard to feel "life."
  11. It's been 5 months for me and it's getting worse. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I do have thoughts of just wanting it to be over. I feel there is truly no hope for me. It's a very complicated situation, but my grief gets more painful every day while I also have other problems that I am in too much pain to even describe. Any strength I had has just left and I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I even have any tears left to cry. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done? I don't even know what to say anymore or how to express myself. I just feel so nauseated and helpless.
  12. (Christian view point) I think about that story in the Bible when they see Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah they knew who they were despite them having died long long before. Just seeing them they knew who they were. I like that story because it to me it means they are still recognizable, and even recognizable to people that had not seen them before. So maybe all the things I didn't get to tell him he knows now anyway because we have a higher level of understanding and knowing when we die. Another verse comes to mind the one that says we will know even as we know ourselves. So many things we don't know and won't know until it's our time, all we can do is imagine. I appreciate y'all. I don't have much of an outlet other than here <3
  13. I hope so. I hope that they are able to think about us still in heaven. That's is the hardest thing for me. When we weren't seeing each other at times it made me happy just knowing he was thinking about me. I knew he was. Now I don't know. It feels so differently than when others I have know passed away. I still sort of feel his existence sometimes it just feels so far away.
  14. Thank you Zara. I guess reality sets in more and more as time goes by. In the beginning I felt like I needed to do something. I didn't know what exactly but just felt there was just something. I wanted to try and contact a friend of his or something. I messaged a family member just saying I was a friend and sending condolences just to see if she might knows something. Now I feel even that was a mistake. It's just I was grasping for anything I could cling to. Now that feeling has settled and I know there is nothing that could make this better. I would still love to have something of his or talk to someone that might have known about me but I don't feel a need to seek it out. Its not like it would change things. I just commented the other day that I had stopped waking up with those few seconds of forgetting he was gone. But then last night I dreamed that I was talking to him and he told me he had cancer and only had three months to live. I was very distressed in my dream and I woke up with a millisecond of relief that it was only a dream before remembering reality was actually worse than that. He was already gone and there wasn't warning or a goodbye. I feel like I must be either the weakest person ever or I just love so deeply, maybe both. I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me. He just meant so much to me and I can never tell him and I can never ask what I meant to him. He is always always always on my mind. I looked at a picture of his family and as much as I love him seeing that picture of his wife and kids without him just broke me down so much. I don't think at 3 the youngest will even remember him and that hurts my heart so much. He had so much love for his kids. It all hurts. I feel like I just have a constant overshadow of sadness no matter what I'm doing. I can be doing daily chores, working etc and all of a sudden I just recall a memory and see his smiling face and I don't know how I can ever be okay.
  15. That is true. They are the only things in life that keep me going at all.
  16. Thank you KayC. I just feel like he's so far away. I feel like I can't remember what it felt like for him to be here because the pain is so great that's all I can feel. I can't put the feeling into words. I try to tell myself for a few minutes that it isn't true just so I can imagine how it would feel if weren't and I can't. I just have this feeling that I can't describe. I feel so lost and confused. A little earlier in the day I was doing okay but then I've been walking around randomly crying the past few hours. When it all hits it just hurts so much. Sometimes I'll turn the radio on and then all of a sudden I just hate it and turn it down quickly and I just get nauseated. I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this. The pain is just so bad.
  17. I question it because of the situation. We didn't really talk about it because it's like that made the guilt worse I guess. I start to question was it just lust for him, and stuff like that. In my heart I know it wasn't because I know how he acted around me but we just didn't talk about it. I thought I hadn't all the time in the world to ask and tell him just how I felt. I was even planning to when I was going to see him in the next few days. I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there. There was an undeniable crazy chemistry between us like nothing else from the day we met. I have NEVER felt anything like it and I'm sure I never will. Those feelings never faded either even after years. I just could never put into words what he means to me.
  18. Thank you, I certainly need all the prayers I can get. I will pray for you too. It has almost been four months for me. I am better than I was in the very beginning. I can eat somewhat normal now and I'm not crying every second of the day. I still have suffocating moments of sadness and complete break down. There hasn't been a day that I have not cried at all. I am not myself anymore. I really loved life. I loved doing all kinds of things and just had an enthusiasm for life. Now I just feel a constant overcasting cloud of depression no matter what I'm doing. I don't think I could ever be the person I once was after all of this. For me what hurts me the most still is the unresolved feelings and questions. I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have. I question how he really felt about me more and more the longer he is gone. He just seems farther away with each passing day. I wish I would have asked him to tell me exactly how he felt. We had been planning to see each other in the next few days and I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like I'm still living in December sometimes. I'm still looking forward to seeing him, whenever that may be.
  19. I can't put into words how I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I just feel empty. I'm living and I even laugh at things sometimes but there is just a constant cloud of emptiness over my life and feelings that I can never resolve. Like you Fzald, I'm better than I was but I don't feel joyful or look forward to anything. My worst moments are still in the car when I'm alone. Sometimes I try to push through and push him out of my mind until I just can't do it anymore, and then I absorb myself in his pictures and anything else that makes me feel connected to him. If I do have moments that I'm laughing or moments of "happiness" I suddenly remember why I can't be happy. It isn't that I feel guilty about being happy or anything like that. It is truly that I remember in that moment he is gone forever.
  20. I was doing better for a few days. I had a lot to keep me distracted. I feel a little better and then the grief overwhelms me and it's just crippling. When it overcomes me nothing matters. Sometimes I still have feelings of disbelief but for the most part it is starting to sink in that he is really gone. I don't forget those first few minutes when I wake up anymore. Honestly that makes it hurt even worse that I don't. I take showers so I can just hide and break down and cry. I can be okay and then it hits out of nowhere. I still have the anxiety attacks with the dizziness and nausea that make it even worse at times. I don't post much here anymore because I don't have anything new to say. I'm just still in so much pain. For a while I completely pushed "I won't see him again out of my head" because I plan on seeing him in heaven. I even think of things I might tell him. I try not to think about how long that might be or what it might look like but it creeps in my mind whether I try or not. In the beginning I was desperate to maybe talk to his friend or family as if it might "help" or "change things." I don't really have the urge anymore simply because it wouldn't change anything. There is nothing that could make this hurt any less. In those first moments and days it almost seems like something can help but as time goes on it seems "normal" for him to be gone. That hurts even more. Normal isn't really the right word, I should say it seems real. Sometimes I could feel when he was about to call me or text me even if it had been a long time. It's almost like I knew he was thinking about me before he called just as I was thinking of him. Now I feel that he isn't here. I don't know how to explain it.
  21. That's definitely how I feel, scared that I will always live with this pain. There is so much unresolve and so many things I never got to say. I'm mourning in so many different ways, mourning that I didn't meet him earlier in life under the right circumstances, mourning a lost hope, and of course most of all mourning the loss of him. I know I could never feel what he made me feel again. Never. I want to feel better but at the same time I feel like the only way I could do that is if I forget the way he made me feel. I don't want to forget. I push it out of my mind but then all of a sudden it hits so hard. I was remembering something yesterday and I could just feel all of it, every emotion just as if it was just happening. It hurts so so much. I can hear his voice so clearly, see him in my mind, and feel the love I have for him and my heart just cannot comprehend or understand he isn't here anymore.
  22. I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die.
  23. I wish there was a suggestion box and we could ask for one more time to see someone to at least say goodbye.
  24. I run over and over his last days too. I know I can't change it but it's like I'm trying to work it out in my mind somehow. Even though it's been three months I am still in total shock all of the time. I still can't comprehend this is real. I think because I dreamed it before it happened it makes it more difficult. I don't know if that was some sort of warning to prepare me or what but it makes it harder. When I woke up from that dream I was so relieved and I thought that is the one thing I couldn't bear. I just can't believe I am living that nightmare. I just don't feel like it can be real it doesn't seem like he can really be gone. It hurts so much I have nothing tangible to hold on to. I just wish I had something I could just hold and cry. I look at his Facebook all the time and screenshots of texts because it is all in the world I have to keep his memory. Every day I just wait for it to be nighttime and I wonder if this is all my life will ever be now because while I function and I am "living" I am so unhappy. I am just absolutely miserable. I wish I had one person that loved him too I could talk to.
  25. Just reading those lyrics made me cry. One thing that really hurts is how my friends seem to think none of it should matter now that he's gone. I wonder what he meant by certain things are how he felt about things and they reply "it doesn't really matter now." As if his life didn't matter at all now that he's gone. I don't talk to them anymore really. I think I understand the feelings you can't describe. I also have feelings between the numb and complete agony that I just can't put into words at all.