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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Numb and Lost

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Everything posted by Numb and Lost

  1. Never Ending Pain

    I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what my purpose in it is today except for I'm just tired of talking to my friends who don't get it. Today I feel like I'm just filled with this terrible anger. It's an anger towards those who don't understand how I feel. This pain isn't something that can go away. They don't understand what it feels like to remember someone so vividly as if he is still here, his voice, his mannerisms, and all of the memories, and yet know I can never have any of that ever again on this earth. It's been over 7 months now and there hasn't been one day that has gone by without tears, not one. I have a few okay days and then I wake up the next day shocked by the harsh reality that this will never change and nothing can ever be okay. I work, care for my family, my home...I live, but everything just feels pointless. I live, but I don't have life in me like before. I will never ever be the me I was. I just feel hollow like an empty shell. I even smile and laugh sometimes and then I find myself staring into the distance remembering my pain. I can hide the pain but it's always there. I just miss him so much. I try to keep hope in seeing him again in heaven but it's hard to look forward to something when I can't fathom what it will be like or how people will know and love one another there. It's also hard to feel comfort in that hope when it could be so far away. I'm 34 so it could be 50 years or more before I see him again. I wish I didn't live every day just trying to make it through until the next but I know I will never stop missing him and this pain will never go away. Nobody understands what he meant to me and how much I cared for him.
  2. Never Ending Pain

    The grief counselor never worked for me, but running helps clear my head.
  3. Never Ending Pain

    There is one short video one of his friends posted on Facebook that has his voice in it. That's all I have to remember it, although right now I can hear it clearly in my head.
  4. Never Ending Pain

    I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it hasn't in my case. It hurts just as bad as the day I found out it's just a different kind of hurt. In that first month I literally could not function, I didn't eat at all. Now I function, I work, care for my family, still have some times with zero appetite but it's better than it was, but I live in a melancholy state. I have times daily that the shock hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating all over again. One of my biggest fears has also been forgetting the little details, or that one day he will become a memory that is so distant it will feel like a dream.
  5. Never Ending Pain

    KayC thank you for your encouraging words. When I say I get those dark thoughts that he "isn't real" I know that he was. I also look at pictures, and the one thing I have which is a snapshot of our text message. That's when the thought creeps in....."but he isn't real now" I know that isn't true and I refute it in my mind as soon as I think it, nevertheless it creeps in again.
  6. Never Ending Pain

    KayC every time I start thinking about years to come I always remember you telling me to just think about today so I try to kick the thoughts out when they come but it's hard to do of course. Average age on both my mother and father's side of the family is around 85. No one having not been through this could ever comprehend the feelings we have. I can't even put my struggles and thoughts into words. I think about him and I try to push the memories away because there isn't any point in thinking about someone I can never see or talk to again. I have dark thoughts that "he isn't real" anymore. Constantly I'm trying to process how it's possible that he is gone. I can hear his voice in my mind, and I remember things so clearly and I feel those feeling I had in those moments. I still "feel" him, and yet I tell myself I can't love someone that isn't here anymore. I still don't listen to the radio. I hear songs with the sentimental lyrics and I don't want to hear them because I can't have thoughts like that for someone who "doesn't exist" anymore. I know that is a lie. I know he does exist but I just hear that dark voice in my mind repeating those words. Sometimes I get so deep in my memories I find myself smiling about something he said, or overthinking and analyzing something he said like us women tend to do. I get so lost in my thoughts and then suddenly I realize it doesn't matter anymore because I'll never talk to him again. For those that already know my complicated situation, it makes it so much harder because I still feel guilty in so many different ways. I don't know if it is even right for me to hold on to him so tightly or to even look forward to seeing him in heaven. Even now the shock of it all hits me and it's so overwhelming even after 7 months. I just can't believe something I feared so much came true I can't stop trying to make sense of it. I can't stop thinking about what his last thoughts might have been or if he had time to be scared. I wonder if he can think of me now. I am a Christian and I have found that some Christians believe in soul sleep which is very unsettling to me. Although I don't believe in it at all, it still creeps into my mind and makes me upset. I don't know how to think about him and that is what is upsetting me the most. I don't understand how I should feel. I just don't know how to accept that I can't see him or talk to him again. My heart feels like this just can't be right. I "feel" him still, and yet I don't at the same time. Everything in my life is before and after. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that feeling. Even in my phone when I look at pictures, not of him but of anything, I think "that was before" and I can't look at them. Sometimes I wish I could go to his grave but at the same time I think it would upset me further if I did. The idea of him being cremated is very upsetting to me.
  7. Never Ending Pain

    I don't know how anyone can ever be truly happy again after experiencing pain like this.
  8. Never Ending Pain

    I feel like I spend so much time just trying to make sense of something that can't be made sense of.
  9. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You describe it well, numb one min and your souls being wrenched the next. I've said that all along, that I feel part of my soul has been ripped away.
  10. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you
  11. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you KMB. I hope he knows.
  12. My heart hurts

    I haven't posted or come to the forum in a while because I just feel like everything I do whether it's counseling, posting, talking, taking medication is all just futile. My heart hurts the same regardless. I feel like no one I tell truly cares or understands. Even the grief counselor who had lost her husband I felt like couldn't understand how I feel. I know everyone handles things and feels differently. It's been almost 6 months and every day is such a struggle just to make it through, and every day is filled with so many tears and so much pain that never diminishes at all. I have so much pain and I feel like I'm utterly and completely alone. I see all his family post pictures about how much they loved him and share memories and I'm just here with no one to share those with and nothing to remember him by and it just really really hurts. I see a picture and I feel like I'm just going to suffocate and I just cry and beg God to please make it stop. May be lots of typos and errors in this as I text it out on my phone in a frenzy of tears.
  13. My heart hurts

    Thank you KMB and KayC
  14. My heart hurts

    Kay C I'm sure you will do great also. I guess that's one of those things you can't really say no to! I did wear the shoes, and smiled and cried while looking at them throughout the day.
  15. My heart hurts

    Little things get to me every day. Like today I put on the shoes I wore the last time I saw him and I cried and cried. I haven't worn them since he died. I had told him earlier that day I had on cute shoes and when he saw me he said "those are cute shoes." I just haven't been able to wear them.
  16. My heart hurts

    Thank you Francine. I have been doing a whole lot of praying. I pray maybe he can be a special friend of mine when I get to heaven and maybe there is a plan God has for me to know him there one day again. I pray that maybe God did intend for me to meet him even if it wasnt for this life maybe it was only so I would know him there one day.
  17. My heart hurts

    Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this pain. I know I'm not but in day to day life it feels that way a lot. I hate to know you all are hurting too but it does make me feel less alone. KMB that's how I feel too, like I don't belong here. I feel guilty about feeling so depressed but I can't change it. People that say "happiness is a choice" haven't felt my pain. I don't feel like I'm the same person at all. I just wonder if there are some of us that it will never get any better for and maybe I am one of those. I can't imagine it ever hurting less. My fear is if it ever does hurt less it will be because I have forgotten how he made me feel and what he brought to my life. Because unless I forget that I can't imagine the pain being any less. I love so hard and so deep when I love, and I am one of the most sentimental emotional people I know. "To feel everything so very deeply is a both a blessing and a curse"
  18. My heart hurts

    Thank you. I wish so much that the pain could stop and I just don't feel like it ever will. The worst is feeling so distant from him now that he's not here. I think how some people still have their loved ones things and live in the house they lived in, and most of all shared memories amongst each other. And I just feel like I'm living in some kind of twilight zone like he wasn't even real. I feel like he's so far away. I'm just crying and rambling but sometimes it even physically makes me sick. I did see a psychiatrist as well but I ended up going back to just the general MD. She had changed my meds and it made me even worse so I went back to one I felt more comfortable talking to. I'm taking antidepressants and xanax to help manage the panic. Sometimes I remember that day, how I found out, and I imagine the accident and I try not to but my mind does it anyway and it just sends me into a horrible panic. It just isn't fair. It haunts me the most that I feared it so much which seemed irrationally as he was so young, and yet it actually happened. I dreamed the status I ended up reading in reality about his death. That all somehow makes it hurt me worse.
  19. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    Thank you. I would sure like to think so.
  20. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    I was kind of sad to have had the dream but I was kind of thankful for it too
  21. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    I catch myself using past tense sometimes and it makes me upset. I had a dream about him last night different than most I have. Usually when he's in my dream he's there but I can't "get to him" if that makes sense. But last night I dreamed about being in the place where we met and how it was and the feelings I had. Then he gave me this hug that felt so real. He looked and somebody and said "I just love this girl." I felt all the feelings I always had when I was in his presence. I was smiling in my dream and I was still smiling when I woke up for a few minutes. Then of course I realized it was a only a dream. It's an odd thing to smile and yet cry and be broken at the same time.
  22. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    I might have implied alcohol on an earlier post as not to be too revealing of my identity. I can't remember if I did but it's possible. Sorry for the confusion.
  23. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    Sorry you had to go through all that KayC. I don't know if you had kids with him or not but having children with someone and the way the children feel about him makes a lot of difference in decisions and makes things harder. Right now he is stable and ok. That's good because my mind and heart can't handle both the grief and any strife there too right now. It just can't. Either way I don't want to find any other love again anyway. I would never in a million years feel what he (the one that died) made me feel. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I've really come to the conclusion that I must just feel emotions deeper than some. I'm not talking about it period anymore with any of my friends because they can't understand or comprehend my grief or pain. I don't think they can comprehend it because they have never felt that way to begin with.
  24. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    No offense at all. I feel like his coming is near but I guess we just won't know until it happens. I know if it were meant to be it would have been but it's still so hard. I don't think our situations would have ever allowed us to be together even if he were here, but just knowing he was here made me happy.
  25. I'm not sure hwo to go on

    I sent you a message about the husband situation.
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