Numb and Lost

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Everything posted by Numb and Lost

  1. For any day that I make any progress the next day I feel completely hopeless. I don't know how anyone is ever okay after this. The last time I ever heard from him was a text exactly three months ago today. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't think I will ever be okay. I just can't cope with this at all.
  2. Fzald of that describes exactly how I feel! I'm just here.
  3. Fzald it's the same for me. I can't think about memories at all without breaking down in tears. I might smile when I think about them but I'm also crying tears of sadness at the same time. This morning I thought so this is it? I'm just going to get up every day and push myself through the day every day for the rest of my life depressed? Even if I'm not crying I'm just here. I can be working, cleaning, etc but it still just feels like waiting on the day to end. I dreamed last night that I found out it wasn't true and he was alive. I got a call in my dream that I just knew was him and it was around 10. Last time I talked to him I told him to call me if he could around 10ish the next day. The last text I got from him was around 10. I was so happy and relieved in my dream. I dreamed he died and he did in real life so I think why can't this dream come too. I have times now that I'm okay but it's because I am pushing the finality of it out of my mind . When it comes back and I can't push it away any longer I feel like I absolutely can't handle it at all. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't go on. I can't stop thinking about that text I never responded to.
  4. Faith as small as a mustard seed, that is what I have when I write a letter to him and believe perhaps God will really show it to him as I prayed. Because why not? I won't know, but even the thought that he might is an encouragement. It's painful to watch life keep going without missing a beat. Sometimes I watch all the cars, people coming and going as if nothing has changed. I feel like it should all stop in his absence but it doesn't. I'm having periods of complete breakdowns followed by periods of numbness and confusion. It's so pretty today and the perfect temperature and all I can think about is how he would have wanted to be here riding that stupid motorcycle, the one that killed him.
  5. Thank you KayC. Fzald I think one reason mornings are the worst, besides the nanosecond of denial, is we know we have the whole day ahead of us to face the pain. There is nothing that we want to do as there used to be. We just sit or lay most of the day trying to continuously work through this thing that can't be worked out. The counselor told me they start to worry when someone is still in this state at 6 months. Well I am pretty sure not much will change in how I feel in 3 months from now.
  6. I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds.
  7. No people don't get it at all. I'm functioning in public better most of the time. My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot. I can even conversate normally most of the time but when I get in the car I cry. I went for a 3 mile run today and cried most of the time. Just knowing he isn't here makes me feel an emptiness I can't describe. When I used to be busy doing things, or even times we weren't talking or seeing each other I was still happy and loved life. I just liked knowing he was here and knowing when I saw him or talked to him again was something to look forward to. Now I just live to make it until tomorrow. I function. My house is clean, laundry is done, my kids are taken care of but I just have an overwhelming emptiness.
  8. I can't use the word dead either. I don't even speak of him in past tense most of the time. I don't want to say I loved him because I still do love him whether he is here or not. I can't stand when people act like I'm just supposed to forget about him like he didn't even exist. "You have to focus on what's here" they say. I looked at his wife's Facebook and she is smiling really big in every recent picture. It makes me upset and I don't know why. She hasn't posted anything about him at all since he died but comments on everything else. I'm sure that is just her way of dealing with it. He talked like she was a private person. It just bothers me though. I don't feel like smiling period much less in a picture. I don't even want to be in a picture at all.
  9. I can't get past the denial. I know it's real but it just doesn't seem like it can be. It doesn't seem like this could have really happened. When I dreamed it and feared it I pushed it out thinking that won't happen. Usually your worst dreams and fears don't come true. I just can see him and hear him in my mind and my heart just cannot understand or accept that he really isn't here anymore. This is such a cliche statement but it truely still seems like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from.
  10. Thank you KayC. It is so hard when no one I know cares about him too. I sent my friends that know the pictures I saw of him that got me so upset, but of course they didn't even respond. It doesn't mean anything to them. It's like I just want to share things but nobody cares, because I don't know anyone that knows him. I grew up with the girl that posted the pics but I haven't talked to her in years. Fzald you are right about unexpected death. I know death is always hard no matter what, but it seems like it would be a little easier if I had known beforehand and had a chance to say things I needed to say, see him one more time, and say goodbye. At 34 he was just here one day and gone the next, killed in an accident just a few min from his house. He was almost home. I try to go about my day and live but I think about it and I just get nauseated. My mother called me last night when I was crying and she was surprised and asked what triggered it. I told her nothing triggers it l. I have these moments every day. Sometimes if there is a trigger like seeing those pictures it's even worse, but it happens every day all the time. I keep writing him texts then deleting them when I'm done because I just want to talk to him.
  11. I went to sleep crying and miserable and woke up this morning crying and miserable. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
  12. My break down just got worse. A girl posted pictures from highschool and he was in so many. He went to county school and I went to city. Apparently this girl dated him and she had a lot of pictures with him. I knew her because she went to my church. I think its so ironic I knew her all that time but didn't meet him until years later. I barely recognized him in the pictures. Funny I even felt jealous seeing him with her even though I didn't know him then. Seems really stupid considering he isn't even alive anymore. My heart seriously can't take it. I loved him so much. I just can't believe he is gone. I'm hurting so bad but I'm beside my child and husband trying to fight back tears. I am going to be so mentally messed up and absolutely miserable for the rest of my life.
  13. I'm sorry you are having a lonely night KMB. I am blessed to have a little one that doesn't allow me time to be lonely. I kept trying to go in other rooms to hide my crying but I have a little shadow! I feel guilty for being so miserable when I know I still have them but I can't help the pain I feel. Fzald I have memories flooding back from the beginning too. I'll be going about my day working when suddenly I think of something from 12 years ago when we first met that I hadn't thought about in years. He has never even been in my house but I don't want to move because I remember places I sat and talked to him on the phone. Or I remember him wanting me to FaceTime him in my closet so he could pick out a dress. I'll have to move from here though and it will hurt even though he has never been here at all. I don't want things to change that didn't even have anything to do with him simply because I want things the way they were when he was here.
  14. I'm having a really bad night. I can't stop thinking about his smile and I can't stop crying. I've walked all over the house to hide my crying. I had been doing a little better and at least confined my break downs to when I am in the car. Memories just flooded me tonight and I just cannot comprehend that I won't see him smiling at me again. It all hurts so much. It hurts that I never got to see him and wear hat dress he wanted me to wear, I couldn't go to the funeral, and I wasn't even supposed to love him. My heart is just so broken and I don't know how I can ever have a meaningful life with this pain. I'll never have that feeling again that he gave me when I saw his messages on my phone or when I saw him. I feel so hopeless.
  15. Also in a break up you always have the hope of rekindling that relationship, or hope to run into them again. We don't have that. We can only hope to see them when we die.
  16. That is certainly what I hope and pray for. Thank you.
  17. Me too. I just wait on one day to turnover to the next. I grieve for him also while grieving that my marriage will never be what it should be and I just feel like love must not have been meant for me. It's the one thing I wanted the most since I was a child. That and being a mother of course. My friends say things like "you could have any man in the world you want" but there isn't a man in the world I want anymore. He isn't here in he world at all. It's like I told him once, you can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them at all. He was attractive but I was also attracted to him, to his personality and soul. I won't ever feel that again.
  18. KayC I just worry about how I will know him there because of how I knew him here. (Christian view point) I get scared maybe only pure relationships are preserved and we will just look like a big sin to each other there. Or I worry I might not be important to him at all there or so much time might pass I won't be remembered as an important aspect of his life. I have so many worries that I know are probably invalid and will be invalid once I make it to heaven but right now I just have so many questions and worried thoughts.
  19. I believe in heaven and I believe he is there, and that is all that gets me through. But then I worry how I will know him there and that I might have 50 years before I find out. It's so hard to decide whether to look at his pictures or not. I want to but then like you said I just shake and get upset. Just now I looked at his Facebook page and I saw that status again, the one he was tagged in letting me know he was gone. I just started crying, and I got al sweaty and hot. I wonder if he can think about me now and if he wants to. It's like I'm frozen in that time right before he died too. I don't feel like it's March I feel like it's still back a few days before Christmas and I'm waiting to see him. I feel like everyday is just nothing. It's just a 24 hour obstacle course to make it to the next 24 hour obstacle course. When I come home from work I just want to lay in the bed. When I am working it's with zero enthusiasm or drive.
  20. I'm miserable too I'm just sitting in my car crying again while I type this out on my phone. I just don't know how to continue. Every day just hurts so much. I cried the entire way here and I will cry the entire 45 min back. I just feel so unresolved and knowing that I can never ever have my questions answered or understand any of it just makes it unbearable. I don't even feel like I know for sure if he cared and I won't ever know now. It hurts so much more because I loved him more than anyone I ever could love and he wasn't even mine. In a sense he was but not really. It just makes it so much worse. Today I don't even feel like I can do my job. I am forgetting simple things. Every minute is just torture. My friend said in time I won't ask those questions anymore or wonder about things. Well I know that I will. It is all going to haunt me forever and ever. I just can not believe he is really gone. I feel so alone and nobody around me understands even the ones that know the entire story. I'm just sitting in my car because I don't want to go home I don't want to work anymore today I just don't want to do anything. I don't look forward to anything. I don't know what to do with myself.
  21. One of the dreams I had was that I was on the phone with him trying to figure out where he was and when I would see him and I got a bad connection and I couldn't hear him and the call dropped.
  22. I think of little memories and smile all throughout the day, but I always start to cry too. I smile because I remember something funny but of course as soon as I smile I remember he's gone and there will never be any more memories made.
  23. I know I will never forget him but I get scared I will forget the exact way he made me feel. Right now I can remember talking to him as if it happened five min ago and I don't want it to seem like a distant memory. I fear that. I know I've already said that but it's just on my mind yet again.
  24. Fzald, I also only feel okay when I imagine when he was alive. I'll start thinking about that last night he was alive when I would pick up my phone and see he was on Facebook. Like I've said before I just liked to be able to see when he was on it. Then I remember that next day when I saw he was active 11 hours ago which made that awful thought something happened creep in. I pushed away that thought though telling myself he was just busy outside doing things. Most people glance at their phones pretty often though making it "active." It wasn't until I saw that status that let me know he was gone. When I remember all this, when I think about that status I can still feel just what I felt in that moment and I get nauseated and dizzy. In one little sentence and moment everything changed. It is still so hard for me to believe that he is gone. Every single day I try to figure it out and understand that it is real.
  25. Not being able to share my memories with someone that cared about him too has definitely been the hardest thing. I know just what you mean about the posts being frozen in time. I look at his a lot. The ones made this time last year hurt especially because it seems like yesterday I remember looking at them when he was alive. I often search "photos liked by" on Facebook because it's like seeing a part of him to see what pictures and posts he liked, only a 2.5 months ago. It'a actually all I have. This is really stupid but on his Facebook when I look at the pages he likes they all flicker constantly. It doesn't do that on other friends just his, and only from my Facebook. I'd like to think maybe that's him sending a little message to say hi. I know that is stupid but at the same time if it stops flickering I would be sad. I look at the last pictures of him on Facebook. There are a few that are really recent that other people took at Christmas gatherings and tagged him in. I see him standing there smiling in the picture and think how he had no idea he would be gone in a week. He couldn't work when it rained and he said he needed to figure something out because he didn't get paid those days either. He didnt know know he wouldn't have to worry about that the very next week, or that he would never reach any more goals he had, see his kids grow up. We talked one time about when his son becomes a teenager. We were talking about how so many kids are getting pregnant so young. He laughed and joked that he would do everything to keep his son from doing that if it meant buying him magazines. It breaks my heart when I think about that conversation now. He won't be here to talk to his son about it at all.