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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Numb and Lost

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About Numb and Lost

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  1. Question

    I was trying to reply to everyone but I'm kind of "woman of few words today." I was making the thread quite long with the quote replies. I appreciate everyone's responses and tips. I have some days that are so much worse than others. I still haven't had one day without tears. The anniversary approaching is really getting to me, especially since it comes along with Christmas. As I'm sure you all can relate, I have days that I'm okay and then days that it hits like a ton of bricks that he is truly gone, and I won't see him again in this life. These are moments in which the reality of it is suffocating.
  2. Question

    I was trying to reply to everyone's comments with quotes but I'm making the thread quite long doing that. I appreciate all of your responses and tips. ❤️
  3. Question

    Thank you. Some days are much worse than others. The anniversary coming up around Christmas is really tough. It's always been my favorite time of year and now I feel like it's just bringing back loads of feelings and memories. I do still work out and that helps my mood some.
  4. Question

    Thank you. No I don't attend any counseling. It just isn't for me. I've worked in hospice and palliative care type settings so nothing they say is new I guess. I'm glad it helps some people though. I have one person I talk to on here who feels similar to me and that helps. Some days are worse than others.
  5. Question

    I'm curious as to how many people still feel just as much pain later on as you did in the beginning? I'm coming up on a year in the next month and I still struggle each and every moment of each and every day. It isn't one bit better. I'm still terrified beyond belief of potentially living 50 or more years with this pain.
  6. Never Ending Pain

    The grief counselor never worked for me, but running helps clear my head.
  7. Never Ending Pain

    There is one short video one of his friends posted on Facebook that has his voice in it. That's all I have to remember it, although right now I can hear it clearly in my head.
  8. Never Ending Pain

    I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it hasn't in my case. It hurts just as bad as the day I found out it's just a different kind of hurt. In that first month I literally could not function, I didn't eat at all. Now I function, I work, care for my family, still have some times with zero appetite but it's better than it was, but I live in a melancholy state. I have times daily that the shock hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating all over again. One of my biggest fears has also been forgetting the little details, or that one day he will become a memory that is so distant it will feel like a dream.
  9. Never Ending Pain

    KayC thank you for your encouraging words. When I say I get those dark thoughts that he "isn't real" I know that he was. I also look at pictures, and the one thing I have which is a snapshot of our text message. That's when the thought creeps in....."but he isn't real now" I know that isn't true and I refute it in my mind as soon as I think it, nevertheless it creeps in again.
  10. Never Ending Pain

    KayC every time I start thinking about years to come I always remember you telling me to just think about today so I try to kick the thoughts out when they come but it's hard to do of course. Average age on both my mother and father's side of the family is around 85. No one having not been through this could ever comprehend the feelings we have. I can't even put my struggles and thoughts into words. I think about him and I try to push the memories away because there isn't any point in thinking about someone I can never see or talk to again. I have dark thoughts that "he isn't real" anymore. Constantly I'm trying to process how it's possible that he is gone. I can hear his voice in my mind, and I remember things so clearly and I feel those feeling I had in those moments. I still "feel" him, and yet I tell myself I can't love someone that isn't here anymore. I still don't listen to the radio. I hear songs with the sentimental lyrics and I don't want to hear them because I can't have thoughts like that for someone who "doesn't exist" anymore. I know that is a lie. I know he does exist but I just hear that dark voice in my mind repeating those words. Sometimes I get so deep in my memories I find myself smiling about something he said, or overthinking and analyzing something he said like us women tend to do. I get so lost in my thoughts and then suddenly I realize it doesn't matter anymore because I'll never talk to him again. For those that already know my complicated situation, it makes it so much harder because I still feel guilty in so many different ways. I don't know if it is even right for me to hold on to him so tightly or to even look forward to seeing him in heaven. Even now the shock of it all hits me and it's so overwhelming even after 7 months. I just can't believe something I feared so much came true I can't stop trying to make sense of it. I can't stop thinking about what his last thoughts might have been or if he had time to be scared. I wonder if he can think of me now. I am a Christian and I have found that some Christians believe in soul sleep which is very unsettling to me. Although I don't believe in it at all, it still creeps into my mind and makes me upset. I don't know how to think about him and that is what is upsetting me the most. I don't understand how I should feel. I just don't know how to accept that I can't see him or talk to him again. My heart feels like this just can't be right. I "feel" him still, and yet I don't at the same time. Everything in my life is before and after. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that feeling. Even in my phone when I look at pictures, not of him but of anything, I think "that was before" and I can't look at them. Sometimes I wish I could go to his grave but at the same time I think it would upset me further if I did. The idea of him being cremated is very upsetting to me.
  11. Never Ending Pain

    I don't know how anyone can ever be truly happy again after experiencing pain like this.
  12. Never Ending Pain

    I feel like I spend so much time just trying to make sense of something that can't be made sense of.
  13. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You describe it well, numb one min and your souls being wrenched the next. I've said that all along, that I feel part of my soul has been ripped away.
  14. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you
  15. Never Ending Pain

    Thank you KMB. I hope he knows.
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