Numb and Lost

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  1. I just wonder if I'll ever get to that point. I thought I was doing a little better and then it's like I crashed and got even worse.
  2. I feel like I am absolutely suffocating today. I am drowning in grief and I don't think I'll ever pull out. My heart hurts so much. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in just as much shock as I was that first moment I knew. I just can't comprehend it. I don't feel like I can go on and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so alone and this is the only place I have. My friends that know don't understand, and neither do my parents. I just want to curl up and die it hurts so much.
  3. I'm sure part of your hesitation to move is feeling like you are leaving Pat behind since that is where you lived together. He was never even in my house but I almost dread moving just because I have memories of talking to him in this house. I am sitting right now the last place I saw his face in a FaceTime call. Sometimes I hold my phone up like it was when I was talking to him in that moment and it feels like it was just a few minutes ago. The memories are all we have left. But of course we will have our memories no matter where we move. I have found nothing consoles me so I am going to be depressed whether here or there. I'm sure being close to your daughter would be nice though.
  4. I still look for him when I'm driving. If I see a truck like his I look at it just like I used to when he was alive, like he might be in there or something. Of course I know he isn't, but I look anyway. Sometimes if I see one up ahead of me I even try to catch up to it. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed at night because I can sleep and not feel the pain. Last night my dream was painful though. I dreamed I was going through a stack of pictures of him crying. I knew he was gone in my dream, but I thought "this has to be a dream and I'll wake up from it." But of course I just woke up to the reality that he is truly gone.
  5. For any day that I make any progress the next day I feel completely hopeless. I don't know how anyone is ever okay after this. The last time I ever heard from him was a text exactly three months ago today. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't think I will ever be okay. I just can't cope with this at all.
  6. Fzald of that describes exactly how I feel! I'm just here.
  7. Fzald it's the same for me. I can't think about memories at all without breaking down in tears. I might smile when I think about them but I'm also crying tears of sadness at the same time. This morning I thought so this is it? I'm just going to get up every day and push myself through the day every day for the rest of my life depressed? Even if I'm not crying I'm just here. I can be working, cleaning, etc but it still just feels like waiting on the day to end. I dreamed last night that I found out it wasn't true and he was alive. I got a call in my dream that I just knew was him and it was around 10. Last time I talked to him I told him to call me if he could around 10ish the next day. The last text I got from him was around 10. I was so happy and relieved in my dream. I dreamed he died and he did in real life so I think why can't this dream come too. I have times now that I'm okay but it's because I am pushing the finality of it out of my mind . When it comes back and I can't push it away any longer I feel like I absolutely can't handle it at all. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't go on. I can't stop thinking about that text I never responded to.
  8. Faith as small as a mustard seed, that is what I have when I write a letter to him and believe perhaps God will really show it to him as I prayed. Because why not? I won't know, but even the thought that he might is an encouragement. It's painful to watch life keep going without missing a beat. Sometimes I watch all the cars, people coming and going as if nothing has changed. I feel like it should all stop in his absence but it doesn't. I'm having periods of complete breakdowns followed by periods of numbness and confusion. It's so pretty today and the perfect temperature and all I can think about is how he would have wanted to be here riding that stupid motorcycle, the one that killed him.
  9. Thank you KayC. Fzald I think one reason mornings are the worst, besides the nanosecond of denial, is we know we have the whole day ahead of us to face the pain. There is nothing that we want to do as there used to be. We just sit or lay most of the day trying to continuously work through this thing that can't be worked out. The counselor told me they start to worry when someone is still in this state at 6 months. Well I am pretty sure not much will change in how I feel in 3 months from now.
  10. I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds.
  11. No people don't get it at all. I'm functioning in public better most of the time. My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot. I can even conversate normally most of the time but when I get in the car I cry. I went for a 3 mile run today and cried most of the time. Just knowing he isn't here makes me feel an emptiness I can't describe. When I used to be busy doing things, or even times we weren't talking or seeing each other I was still happy and loved life. I just liked knowing he was here and knowing when I saw him or talked to him again was something to look forward to. Now I just live to make it until tomorrow. I function. My house is clean, laundry is done, my kids are taken care of but I just have an overwhelming emptiness.
  12. I can't use the word dead either. I don't even speak of him in past tense most of the time. I don't want to say I loved him because I still do love him whether he is here or not. I can't stand when people act like I'm just supposed to forget about him like he didn't even exist. "You have to focus on what's here" they say. I looked at his wife's Facebook and she is smiling really big in every recent picture. It makes me upset and I don't know why. She hasn't posted anything about him at all since he died but comments on everything else. I'm sure that is just her way of dealing with it. He talked like she was a private person. It just bothers me though. I don't feel like smiling period much less in a picture. I don't even want to be in a picture at all.
  13. I can't get past the denial. I know it's real but it just doesn't seem like it can be. It doesn't seem like this could have really happened. When I dreamed it and feared it I pushed it out thinking that won't happen. Usually your worst dreams and fears don't come true. I just can see him and hear him in my mind and my heart just cannot understand or accept that he really isn't here anymore. This is such a cliche statement but it truely still seems like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from.
  14. Thank you KayC. It is so hard when no one I know cares about him too. I sent my friends that know the pictures I saw of him that got me so upset, but of course they didn't even respond. It doesn't mean anything to them. It's like I just want to share things but nobody cares, because I don't know anyone that knows him. I grew up with the girl that posted the pics but I haven't talked to her in years. Fzald you are right about unexpected death. I know death is always hard no matter what, but it seems like it would be a little easier if I had known beforehand and had a chance to say things I needed to say, see him one more time, and say goodbye. At 34 he was just here one day and gone the next, killed in an accident just a few min from his house. He was almost home. I try to go about my day and live but I think about it and I just get nauseated. My mother called me last night when I was crying and she was surprised and asked what triggered it. I told her nothing triggers it l. I have these moments every day. Sometimes if there is a trigger like seeing those pictures it's even worse, but it happens every day all the time. I keep writing him texts then deleting them when I'm done because I just want to talk to him.
  15. I went to sleep crying and miserable and woke up this morning crying and miserable. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.