Numb and Lost

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About Numb and Lost

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  1. The grief counselor never worked for me, but running helps clear my head.
  2. There is one short video one of his friends posted on Facebook that has his voice in it. That's all I have to remember it, although right now I can hear it clearly in my head.
  3. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it hasn't in my case. It hurts just as bad as the day I found out it's just a different kind of hurt. In that first month I literally could not function, I didn't eat at all. Now I function, I work, care for my family, still have some times with zero appetite but it's better than it was, but I live in a melancholy state. I have times daily that the shock hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating all over again. One of my biggest fears has also been forgetting the little details, or that one day he will become a memory that is so distant it will feel like a dream.
  4. KayC thank you for your encouraging words. When I say I get those dark thoughts that he "isn't real" I know that he was. I also look at pictures, and the one thing I have which is a snapshot of our text message. That's when the thought creeps in....."but he isn't real now" I know that isn't true and I refute it in my mind as soon as I think it, nevertheless it creeps in again.
  5. KayC every time I start thinking about years to come I always remember you telling me to just think about today so I try to kick the thoughts out when they come but it's hard to do of course. Average age on both my mother and father's side of the family is around 85. No one having not been through this could ever comprehend the feelings we have. I can't even put my struggles and thoughts into words. I think about him and I try to push the memories away because there isn't any point in thinking about someone I can never see or talk to again. I have dark thoughts that "he isn't real" anymore. Constantly I'm trying to process how it's possible that he is gone. I can hear his voice in my mind, and I remember things so clearly and I feel those feeling I had in those moments. I still "feel" him, and yet I tell myself I can't love someone that isn't here anymore. I still don't listen to the radio. I hear songs with the sentimental lyrics and I don't want to hear them because I can't have thoughts like that for someone who "doesn't exist" anymore. I know that is a lie. I know he does exist but I just hear that dark voice in my mind repeating those words. Sometimes I get so deep in my memories I find myself smiling about something he said, or overthinking and analyzing something he said like us women tend to do. I get so lost in my thoughts and then suddenly I realize it doesn't matter anymore because I'll never talk to him again. For those that already know my complicated situation, it makes it so much harder because I still feel guilty in so many different ways. I don't know if it is even right for me to hold on to him so tightly or to even look forward to seeing him in heaven. Even now the shock of it all hits me and it's so overwhelming even after 7 months. I just can't believe something I feared so much came true I can't stop trying to make sense of it. I can't stop thinking about what his last thoughts might have been or if he had time to be scared. I wonder if he can think of me now. I am a Christian and I have found that some Christians believe in soul sleep which is very unsettling to me. Although I don't believe in it at all, it still creeps into my mind and makes me upset. I don't know how to think about him and that is what is upsetting me the most. I don't understand how I should feel. I just don't know how to accept that I can't see him or talk to him again. My heart feels like this just can't be right. I "feel" him still, and yet I don't at the same time. Everything in my life is before and after. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that feeling. Even in my phone when I look at pictures, not of him but of anything, I think "that was before" and I can't look at them. Sometimes I wish I could go to his grave but at the same time I think it would upset me further if I did. The idea of him being cremated is very upsetting to me.
  6. I don't know how anyone can ever be truly happy again after experiencing pain like this.
  7. I feel like I spend so much time just trying to make sense of something that can't be made sense of.
  8. Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You describe it well, numb one min and your souls being wrenched the next. I've said that all along, that I feel part of my soul has been ripped away.
  9. Thank you
  10. Thank you KMB. I hope he knows.
  11. I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what my purpose in it is today except for I'm just tired of talking to my friends who don't get it. Today I feel like I'm just filled with this terrible anger. It's an anger towards those who don't understand how I feel. This pain isn't something that can go away. They don't understand what it feels like to remember someone so vividly as if he is still here, his voice, his mannerisms, and all of the memories, and yet know I can never have any of that ever again on this earth. It's been over 7 months now and there hasn't been one day that has gone by without tears, not one. I have a few okay days and then I wake up the next day shocked by the harsh reality that this will never change and nothing can ever be okay. I work, care for my family, my home...I live, but everything just feels pointless. I live, but I don't have life in me like before. I will never ever be the me I was. I just feel hollow like an empty shell. I even smile and laugh sometimes and then I find myself staring into the distance remembering my pain. I can hide the pain but it's always there. I just miss him so much. I try to keep hope in seeing him again in heaven but it's hard to look forward to something when I can't fathom what it will be like or how people will know and love one another there. It's also hard to feel comfort in that hope when it could be so far away. I'm 34 so it could be 50 years or more before I see him again. I wish I didn't live every day just trying to make it through until the next but I know I will never stop missing him and this pain will never go away. Nobody understands what he meant to me and how much I cared for him.
  12. Thank you KMB and KayC
  13. Kay C I'm sure you will do great also. I guess that's one of those things you can't really say no to! I did wear the shoes, and smiled and cried while looking at them throughout the day.
  14. Little things get to me every day. Like today I put on the shoes I wore the last time I saw him and I cried and cried. I haven't worn them since he died. I had told him earlier that day I had on cute shoes and when he saw me he said "those are cute shoes." I just haven't been able to wear them.
  15. Thank you Francine. I have been doing a whole lot of praying. I pray maybe he can be a special friend of mine when I get to heaven and maybe there is a plan God has for me to know him there one day again. I pray that maybe God did intend for me to meet him even if it wasnt for this life maybe it was only so I would know him there one day.