Numb and Lost

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About Numb and Lost

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  1. Thank you KMB and KayC
  2. Kay C I'm sure you will do great also. I guess that's one of those things you can't really say no to! I did wear the shoes, and smiled and cried while looking at them throughout the day.
  3. Little things get to me every day. Like today I put on the shoes I wore the last time I saw him and I cried and cried. I haven't worn them since he died. I had told him earlier that day I had on cute shoes and when he saw me he said "those are cute shoes." I just haven't been able to wear them.
  4. Thank you Francine. I have been doing a whole lot of praying. I pray maybe he can be a special friend of mine when I get to heaven and maybe there is a plan God has for me to know him there one day again. I pray that maybe God did intend for me to meet him even if it wasnt for this life maybe it was only so I would know him there one day.
  5. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this pain. I know I'm not but in day to day life it feels that way a lot. I hate to know you all are hurting too but it does make me feel less alone. KMB that's how I feel too, like I don't belong here. I feel guilty about feeling so depressed but I can't change it. People that say "happiness is a choice" haven't felt my pain. I don't feel like I'm the same person at all. I just wonder if there are some of us that it will never get any better for and maybe I am one of those. I can't imagine it ever hurting less. My fear is if it ever does hurt less it will be because I have forgotten how he made me feel and what he brought to my life. Because unless I forget that I can't imagine the pain being any less. I love so hard and so deep when I love, and I am one of the most sentimental emotional people I know. "To feel everything so very deeply is a both a blessing and a curse"
  6. Thank you. I wish so much that the pain could stop and I just don't feel like it ever will. The worst is feeling so distant from him now that he's not here. I think how some people still have their loved ones things and live in the house they lived in, and most of all shared memories amongst each other. And I just feel like I'm living in some kind of twilight zone like he wasn't even real. I feel like he's so far away. I'm just crying and rambling but sometimes it even physically makes me sick. I did see a psychiatrist as well but I ended up going back to just the general MD. She had changed my meds and it made me even worse so I went back to one I felt more comfortable talking to. I'm taking antidepressants and xanax to help manage the panic. Sometimes I remember that day, how I found out, and I imagine the accident and I try not to but my mind does it anyway and it just sends me into a horrible panic. It just isn't fair. It haunts me the most that I feared it so much which seemed irrationally as he was so young, and yet it actually happened. I dreamed the status I ended up reading in reality about his death. That all somehow makes it hurt me worse.
  7. I haven't posted or come to the forum in a while because I just feel like everything I do whether it's counseling, posting, talking, taking medication is all just futile. My heart hurts the same regardless. I feel like no one I tell truly cares or understands. Even the grief counselor who had lost her husband I felt like couldn't understand how I feel. I know everyone handles things and feels differently. It's been almost 6 months and every day is such a struggle just to make it through, and every day is filled with so many tears and so much pain that never diminishes at all. I have so much pain and I feel like I'm utterly and completely alone. I see all his family post pictures about how much they loved him and share memories and I'm just here with no one to share those with and nothing to remember him by and it just really really hurts. I see a picture and I feel like I'm just going to suffocate and I just cry and beg God to please make it stop. May be lots of typos and errors in this as I text it out on my phone in a frenzy of tears.
  8. Thank you. I would sure like to think so.
  9. I was kind of sad to have had the dream but I was kind of thankful for it too
  10. I catch myself using past tense sometimes and it makes me upset. I had a dream about him last night different than most I have. Usually when he's in my dream he's there but I can't "get to him" if that makes sense. But last night I dreamed about being in the place where we met and how it was and the feelings I had. Then he gave me this hug that felt so real. He looked and somebody and said "I just love this girl." I felt all the feelings I always had when I was in his presence. I was smiling in my dream and I was still smiling when I woke up for a few minutes. Then of course I realized it was a only a dream. It's an odd thing to smile and yet cry and be broken at the same time.
  11. I might have implied alcohol on an earlier post as not to be too revealing of my identity. I can't remember if I did but it's possible. Sorry for the confusion.
  12. Sorry you had to go through all that KayC. I don't know if you had kids with him or not but having children with someone and the way the children feel about him makes a lot of difference in decisions and makes things harder. Right now he is stable and ok. That's good because my mind and heart can't handle both the grief and any strife there too right now. It just can't. Either way I don't want to find any other love again anyway. I would never in a million years feel what he (the one that died) made me feel. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I've really come to the conclusion that I must just feel emotions deeper than some. I'm not talking about it period anymore with any of my friends because they can't understand or comprehend my grief or pain. I don't think they can comprehend it because they have never felt that way to begin with.
  13. No offense at all. I feel like his coming is near but I guess we just won't know until it happens. I know if it were meant to be it would have been but it's still so hard. I don't think our situations would have ever allowed us to be together even if he were here, but just knowing he was here made me happy.
  14. I sent you a message about the husband situation.
  15. Thank you. I'm honestly just hoping Jesus comes and gets us all soon.