DonnaR3

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    24
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About DonnaR3

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    New Jersey
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    10/13/2016

Converted

  • Occupation
    Manager
  • Last Name
    Rinker
  • First Name
    Donna
  • Zip
    08081
  1. Nads. You hit right on. I feel the same way. It's so hard to face each day without by Ken.
  2. Fzald.... so sorry for your loss. Try to take one day at a time. It will be four months on feb 13 when I lost my husband the love of my life. I still feel numb. When I look at pictures and watch the videos I have it makes me sad. I come across our wedding DVD I said to myself will I ever be able to watch it again. I hope one day I will. Stay strong.
  3. Nads.... I know the feeling. I just spoke to my mother in law and made a bad day even worse. We are no good for each other. We just make each other cry. I promised my husband that I would stay in touch with his mother and brother but I feel like his brother is drifting away and just going on with his life.
  4. My grief has been so bad recently. I couldn't even come on here to talk things out. I can't even pinpoint why it's been really bad recently. I guess it's the stages of grief. Thank god for my sister and friends because they are my rock but I think they are tired of me. They don't know what else to say to me to help me. My sister thinks I should go on anti depressants but I really didn't want to start them. I wake up every morning and wonder how I am going to get through this day. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like a zombie everyday. It just don't get easier. Believe or not I am the happiest when I'm in my house that we shared together. I feel his presence and the happy times we had here. All his stuff is still here I don't have it in me to even think about packing it up. All his tv shows are still taping on the Dvr. It sounds weird but another thing I can't stop it makes me feel like he didn't exist I want to sell my house because it is just too big for me alone but I'm scared I'm going to forget all the wonderful memories we had here Feb is a month fill of memories for me. It's valentine day and Ken started this tradition when we met to get me a rose in different colors dipped in gold. My collection is now over. I will have no more roses to put in my vase that sits on my mantle. Also I got engaged in February one of the happiest days I had with him and my mother passed away in February so maybe this is why I am feeling the way I do. There were times I left for work not kissing him bye and telling him I loved him because I didn't want to bother him or I was too lazy to go back upstairs you tell him. That guilt is driving me crazy I know he knew I loved him but all these things go through my head. Before he passed away we told each other we forgave each other for all the stupid fights we had and we have no regrets. We had a great life together. I wouldn't have done nearly the stuff we did together if I never met him. I still feel guilty about things. How do I continue on without him? The love of my life, my best friend, my everything. I have had a lot of loss in my life my grandparents, my parents but this is so different. I had Ken to turn too and he helped me through them. Losing your husband is so much different especially so young. We were suppose to grow old together. We used to say we will be the couple in their 80s still holding hands.
  5. Today I went to the eye doctor and the first thing they asked me where is Ken. He always took me because I can't drive after my appointment. Thank God my sister was with me to tell them he passed away and explained what happened. Hearing her tell him made me relive everything all over again. The guilt came back and the maybes. I tried not to cry at the office but I couldn't hold back the tears. After the appointment I came home to an empty house and feeling lonely i keeping on saying this I don't know how to go on or if I want too. I would never hurt my own life but I don't know how to live without the love of my life.
  6. This week has been so emotional. I wasn't feeling good and there was nobody to take care of me. I had to do everything myself even though I didn't feel like doing it. When Ken was alive and I felt like I felt this week he would do everything for me dinner was ready everything was done all I had to do was relax and get better. I come home from work to an empty house, I bearly want to eat dinner but I force myself. I sit on my sofa and try to relax and watch tv and then I start to cry because I think of Ken and how we watch tv together after dinner, Thursday night was one of our favorite nights for tv tgit. I was looking forward to coming home today to watch our favorite shows but I'm not sure if I can do it. Sounds weird but this is how I feel today, My heart is breaking and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to go on. I have plans to go to the cemetery on Sunday this will be only my second time since Ken passed away. I go there and talk to him and tell him how much I miss him and sorry for all the stupid arguments I caused over stupid stuff. I don't think this will every get easier. This site has helped me realize that what I'm going through is normal and I'm not going crazy. It has helped me share my grief with people who knows how I feel. I'm so glad I found this
  7. Last night I got pulled over my the police because my lights were not on. When the officer asked for my registration and I couldn't find it. I actually picked up my phone to call my husband to find out where it was. Then reality hit me that he can't answer the phone because he is in heaven. I can't stop feeling I want to call him when something good or bad happens. He was the first person I called when something good or bad happened. I still can't sleep straight through the night. I take cat naps throughout the night and I am usually exhausted when I wake up so it makes it so difficult to get out of bed. I push myself everyday. I don't know how I'm going to go on with my life without him. It is so hard. I am feeling very depressed.
  8. I have had a bad couple of days. My niece had her baby and all I can think of is that he will never meet his new nephew. It hurts so bad. Everybody around me thinks I should be happy. Don't get me wrong I'm happy the baby is here and healthy. My heart aches cause he isn't here for this happy time in our family. I feel I am getting worse.
  9. The weather here in Jersey is cold and icy. It just makes me more sad. It's too cold to do anything so after work I came home to an empty house barely ate dinner because I rarely have an appetite and went to bed. I barely functioned today. Again I just did the motions of life. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I had a great marriage there are things we did together that I would have never did if I didn't meet my husband. He made me happy. My family is about to have a new edition my niece is having her third child on Wednesday and it's sad to say I'm not even excited about it. Since me and my husband never had kids they were like our kids. He loved them so much and it's sad to see them hurting too because they miss him. They talk about him all the time about the fun times we had together. They tell me they talk to him every night before they go to bed. I try not to cry in front of them but when they say things like that I say to myself why him. Why was he taken from us? It's not fair.
  10. The first thought that entered my mind when I woke up is how do I get through another day. It snowed here yesterday we got 6 inches of snow. I had to drive in it because I had to work. I never had to do that because my husband would take me. I was so scared driving in it it was terrible. Now today I'm facing digging out. I never had to think about this stuff. He always did it himself or he found someone to do it. I have been calling places but nobody seems to want the job to plow my driveway and my walkway. All I know is I'm not doing it. May sound selfish but I have too much other stuff going on to shovel. I was hoping one of my neighbors would feel bad and at least do my walkway since they all know my husband isn't here. The sad part is he did theirs all the time but that was the kind of person he was loving kind hearted. He didn't even care if the favor was returned. When he was alive I still hated the snow but it was bearable, we used to light a fire watch movies and just snuggle on the sofa just enjoying the time together. I'm actually a home body so I didn't care we were home as long as we were together. My days are seeming to get worse. Why did this have to happen to us? I keep on asking this question and nobody has an answer for me. I miss him so much. He was my life, my everything.
  11. The first thought that entered my mind when I woke up is how do I get through another day. It snowed here yesterday we got 6 inches of snow. I had to drive in it because I had to work. I never had to do that because my husband would take me. I was so scared driving in it it was terrible. Now today I'm facing digging out. I never had to think about this stuff. He always did it himself or he found someone to do it. I have been calling places but nobody seems to want the job to plow my driveway and my walkway. All I know is I'm not doing it. May sound selfish but I have too much other stuff going on to shovel. I was hoping one of my neighbors would feel bad and at least do my walkway since they all know my husband isn't here. The sad part is he did theirs all the time but that was the kind of person he was loving kind hearted. He didn't even care if the favor was returned. When he was alive I still hated the snow but it was bearable, we used to light a fire watch movies and just snuggle on the sofa just enjoying the time together. I'm actually a home body so I didn't care we were home as long as we were together. My days are seeming to get worse. Why did this have to happen to us? I keep on asking this question and nobody has an answer for me. I miss him so much. He was my life, my everything.
  12. Today was a terrible day. I cried off and on all day. I am so glad this day is about over. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. I am going to try and get a good night sleep which is very difficult for me. I fall asleep but I don't stay asleep for long and as soon as my eyes open no matter what time it is reality is back. I feel my days are getting worse but I am trying to take one moment at a time and don't think about what will happen next but it is so hard.
  13. Francine....it's so hard getting through everyday. I feel like your pain. I have support from family and friends but it doesn't make it easy. I feel guilty when I try to go on with life. I told him everyday how much I love him. I'm so sorry about the stupid arguments we had. The only thing I was able to tell him how sorry I was for all the stupid aguements and we forgave each other and told each other no regrets but I still feel guilty.
  14. Nads.....so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. We lost the love of our lives. How are we going to function? I try to take one moment at a time. Like you I have bad days and worse days. I have a friend that lost her boyfriend right before I lost my husband so talking to her helps because we have the same feelings. I just do the motions of life. Everything I see or do makes me miss him even more. If I didn't have to work I probably would never get out of bed. It's going to take us a long time to cope with this. Take care of yourself.
  15. My day was so so. I went out shopping with my sister today and had dinner. I didn't want too but she forced me. i felt guilty because I was doing something that he loved to do shop and go to dinner but then I thought about it and he wouldn't want me to feel that way. I have to try and go on even when it's hard. I guess I will have very bad days and so so days.