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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Bev

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Florida, USA
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date


  • Occupation
    Disabled Nurse

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162 profile views
  1. Not coping loss of my wife

    I am so sorry you have cause to join this list. Please write as much and as often as it is helpful to you, and read what others have written because while each grief is unique, there are markers along this journey that others can share with you so you don't feel lost along the way. My loss is also fresh and all I can say is I understand your pain.
  2. Too Sad to Cry

    My biggest milestone starting yesterday is finally being able to cry. The compassion of everyone on this list is overwhelming and has helped me be able to connect with my emotions rather than being the strong shell. It's only a few tears at times, but that is a positive sign of progress. I spent several weeks while Jack was in the hospital being strong and brave and showing him that I was alright so he wouldn't worry. It's was a real concern because I am disabled from brain surgery and I have severe memory and concentration issues such that I can't work and it was questionable if I could even live independently. It has been a month now and the house looks fine, the dogs and I have both had something to eat every day, and all the bills are being paid as they come in. I think if I can get through this month, I can continue. Jack was in the hospital for seven weeks so I had transition time with his support. I had gotten used to being in the bed by myself when it wasn't a part of loss. If this had been sudden, I don't know how I would have been able to find my way. I count that time as Jack's last precious gift to me.
  3. Milestone Achieved!

    I was able to sleep after a while. The dogs have me on a new sleep schedule which is helpful with early morning rising and a much earlier bedtime. That isn't natural for me, but it makes sure I am pretty tired when I go to bed. It also helps me avoid my favorite "together time" which has now turned into "bereft time." The dogs keep me engaged with life and it was their need for dog food that forced me out of the house yesterday and got the positive cycle going. I hope they can do some similar magic today...
  4. Milestone Achieved!

    I understand what you are saying about feeling exposed. All emotional defenses seem stripped away leaving raw emotion on the surface. I hope you and your children can find your way to a greater closeness through this terrible pain. I admire that you are able to be aware of your children's emotional states when you are going through so much yourself.
  5. I started today with the success of having taken a shower in the morning and a couple other small victories including sharing on this site. I had actual face to face contact and conversation with one of my neighbor friends, and I had to go to the store to get dog food, so I went ahead and got some other necessities since I was out anyway. I went to a couple other stores and time went by. I spoke with a couple clerks I regularly see. My sweet sister did me the huge favor of going with me to the places I frequent most a couple weeks ago so she could be there for me when I had to tell the people I usually talk to the sad change in my life. That made it so much easier to go out on my own. Today at the bank, one of the tellers who knew us both and knew Jack had been in the hospital innocently asked how he was doing, and I even got through that situation only getting misty-eyed and I was able to continue on my errands. After some down time at home, I finally faced my goal of changing the sheets. One of my favorite simple pleasures is the feel and smell of crisp, clean sheets. Jack had the concept of "radical comfort" as a life philosophy and that showed itself most markedly in our bedroom. From years of working night shifts, I had discovered the joys of a sound machine making the gentle sound of waves to drown out little noises. Jack added to that a pillow top mattress with a featherbed on top of that. Finally over that we added a sheepskin mattress cover and crisp cotton sheets. We tried silk sheets at one time, but we both preferred the crispness of cotton for sleeping. Silk tends to cling and makes rolling over a bit more challenging, as does flannel. We never had a television or other worldly intrusion into our bedroom haven. Light blocking curtains complete the setup so we could sleep comfortably no matter how late we stayed up. I put a different bedspread on the bed so the new addition of the dogs to the bed wouldn't ruin the special covers we had. Tonight the dogs and I will see how these changes work for us. We will be going to bed earlier than I used to so I can avoid the loneliest time for me. I didn't nap today so I will be tired enough to go to bed and at least I will read if I can't sleep. I would welcome being able to cry...
  6. Too Sad to Cry

    Please let us know. I suspect that they will be alright after this short time. I know the police have to save evidence for years, and the paper will work for that. Bacteria don't need a lot of air, so there was probably enough residual air that you won't have a problem after that short a period of time, though I am not an expert in microbiology. I don't think a few hours would make a difference, so don't do anything that would make it more difficult for you to finish your workday.
  7. Too Sad to Cry

    Thank you for the validation and encouragement. I have the same with the laundry. I am sure I will be sleeping with some of his used shirts as comfort objects. I just want to mention that I happen to have some specific knowledge about saving items with biological materials on them: You want to save them in a heavy paper bag or cardboard box so the smells remain fresh and intact. If you put them in plastic, after a while anaerobic bacteria will grow and ruin the smell. Police departments do this with all their important evidence. The smells will remain because they are contained in the paper-based material, but will not go bad.
  8. Too Sad to Cry

    I showered today and that is good. I am experiencing another milestone today from the compassion and understanding extended to me by all of you: my tears are finally coming! It's not hopeless sobbing, but the cleansing release of the deep emotion. I have hoped they would come because I know it is a step toward a new balance. It's not healing, because this wound cannot be "healed," but it can be accepted and accommodated into the new way of life forced by circumstance. A note of trivia for the scientifically interested: Tears from emotion have a different chemical composition to those of eye irritation or another source. It is believed that only the higher primates cry such tears, but it is a difficult thing to study. At least I know that something within me is growing and accepting my new reality. You are all very helpful companions on this journey, and I thank you for sharing such a difficult time of our lives with me.
  9. Too Sad to Cry

    I get to count today as successful because I have taken a shower, got the trash out for pickup, and had social contact via this group. Anything else I manage today will just be added benefit. I am going to try to change the sheets today. That is something I have resisted doing because Jack slept in these sheets. It's hard to let go of even that because there might be some of his residual smell on them. Realistically, not much could possibly remain because of the length of time it has been since he was in them: It's been a month tomorrow and he was in the hospital for a couple weeks before that. It's one more of the many millions of ways of letting go, and I am resisting even that small gesture. I have his colognes for awakening those deep memories and may use a spritz on his side of the bed. Smell is a powerful evoker of memories and it may comfort me in my sleep. Jack loved rich, complex smells so it is easy to evoke his memory with things like clove, sandalwood, and other earthy, spicy smells. Maybe changing the sheets won't be so bad. I love the feel of crisp, fresh linens. I am going to try to do that today and consider it a positive milestone. I will be strong and do this.
  10. Too Sad to Cry

    My standards have adjusted to my circumstances. Some days my one productive thing is taking a shower or getting to the store for a necessity. It's important to recognize how difficult even "simple" things suddenly become, and so to give yourself respect for accomplishing something which used to be trivial, but now is a major task. Beating yourself up with unmet high expectations leads to much worse than the compassionate thing of recognizing that even running a dishwasher is a major achievement. I am applying lessons I learned in what I thought at the time was "the hard way" when I had to recover from brain surgery, but nothing is harder than this.
  11. Is it okay that I'm still his wife?

    I remember when my Dad died a couple years ago, my Mom called me crying because she didn't want to remove her wedding ring after wearing it more than fifty years. I told her there was no reason to take it off because it is really a signal to other people that your heart is taken and so as long as that remains true, the ring should remain. When my husband went in for his last surgery, he gave me his ring since they insisted he take it off (for good medical reasons) and I put it on my necklace for safekeeping. It has remained there ever since and now I am thinking of taking it to a jeweler to have it incorporated into a pendant I can wear. My wedding ring remains on my finger where he placed it so many years ago. When I had surgery and had to remove my ring, I had him put it back on my finger afterwards because I had never had it off. I will wear my ring without apology so long as my heart tells me to, and other's opinions on the subject don't affect me one way or the other. My heart still belongs to Jack and my left fourth finger will proudly state that to anyone who looks.
  12. it feels like my life is over

    I'm so sorry to hear how sudden your loss was. That makes things more difficult to process through. Right now your emotions are preventing your memories from being prominent, but that isn't permanent. All those memories are still there and will present themselves as your emotions become less acute. This is normal for the circumstance. Your purpose will be revealed to you as you grow through this situation. You only have to live one day at a time, and when that is hard, one hour, or one minute at a time. Each minute is a small victory and will lead to the next. You will grow stronger without even noticing it, but one day you will look back and see that there has been some healing. I don't have a lot of experience to share since I am also new on this journey, but I know there are others who have walked this path and done so with grace and courage, and I intend to learn from them. This is a safe place to do that work, and welcome to the forum nobody ever wants to join.
  13. Faking okay for family

    I'm concerned about you stuffing your feelings away. Relationships with parents are complicated, but you need someone in your life you can be authentic and trusting with. Since you mention inpatient therapy, it makes me wonder if you have a therapist or other professional you already have contact with and can talk about your feelings without fear or reservation. If not, a trusted friend would be helpful. Maybe it would be helpful to you to write a journal where you can be completely honest with yourself. You never have to share it with anyone unless you want to, and you don't even have to go back and read it yourself, but the act of putting feelings into words without worry or judgement can help you come to a resolution within yourself. Other people's reactions aren't your responsibility. Reality is what it is, and the more we can live in that the more we can be emotionally balanced. Do what you need to for your own balance and know you can't control someone else's response to you or anything else and you probably shouldn't even try to do that.
  14. Too Sad to Cry

    I am coming up on the one month mark of the loss of my husband. Things have quieted down now that the holidays are done and a sad quiet fills the house. I feel at loose ends, though I do manage to get at least one productive thing done each day, and sometimes more. I have some time before any painful dates arrive on the calendar. I have adjusted my sleep schedule because the night time is when I miss him most, so I go to bed earlier than was our usual habit and I try to skip a nap even though that makes my head worse. I had a brain tumor so that afternoon nap was important to help with the headaches and brain fatigue, but if I nap then I am up very late like we used to do together. We were a pair of night owls and that was our time together, even if we were each just quietly doing our own thing we would still make comments to one another. We made a very peaceful and comfortable life together and didn't need to talk to feel connected. I'm finding that we don't need bodies to feel connected either, but it's so much harder without both of us having one. I haven't been able to cry, but writing this is opening the way for healing tears to flow. I'm not sobbing hopelessly, but finally releasing the sadness in the most human way of all. Thank you for sharing this forum with me, and I appreciate feeling so much less alone as a part of this community.
  15. New to this terrain

    Your message was so understanding and the way you described "coexisting with my grief" is very helpful to me. The grief feels like an unwelcome guest in my life right now, but it is the only true response to such a loss. The idea of coexistence gives me the concept of allowing it its own space, but not a takeover of my life. I don't like the idea of its shadow presence, but it simply is the result of a deep love sent on this journey of separation. I am experiencing how that love continues in the specific and unique reminders that appear unexpectedly that seem to be almost gestures of love. I treasure those moments and I know they will be frequent reminders of our love and that it continues on.