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About Mica

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  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    Boyfriend OD
  • Angel Date
    Nov. 19, 2016


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  1. I want to forget

    I really like this idea/imagery. this weekend was a bit smoother. less meltdowns (this seems to be how i rate things) i think only one or two really bad ones, and the depression wasn't as constant. I did a fair amount of creative stuff. I saw a friend i havent in a while but it was only a short visit because it just felt draining and i didnt really know what to talk about or how to respond to things, although I did go to a birthday party later for my friend;s kid and that went well. Interacting is weird sometimes. My friend who had lost his girlfriend a few years ago stopped by last night just to say hi and check in. i hadnt seen him in person in a while, although we've been texting a fair amount. I felt really nervous and awkward and didnt really know how to behave or what to say. he hugged me a lot and said it was going to be okay and i'd get through it, we caught up a little. I can be weird about physical contact sometimes, and not knowing how to reciprocate it, and I wanted to be able to break down then because I know its more comforting and when I break down on my own I wish there was someone present, but my natural tendency is to avoid being publically emotional, and sort of trying to present myself as being more okay than i am. Even though through text I can clearly communicate just how bad i'm really feeling. I do this automatically and but I've found myself falling back into that, It makes me feel more disconnected and alone rather than connected and comforted. I don't know how to change that though. i also think i was also sort of cried out and drained by the time he stopped by. I want to forget and i dont want to feel especially when I'm by myself because its so overwhelming, but when there's someone present who could help make it less, and maybe safer to feel, I wall it off. It's frustrating.
  2. I want to forget

    thank you. im trying. and yes, i know you are all right that it is really the pain that i dont want, but it is hard to be reminded of him and not have it followed by that pain. The times when i feel alright (This weekend has been pretty smooth for the most part) seems to be when i forget its happened and just kind of feel like its a normal day and he's coming over later and he's at work or something and i;m just waiting. i thought he was the person i was always going to be with, we had talked about collaborating on a poem (we both liked to write) and he had an idea for a tattoo he wanted me to try to draw, and we never got around to doing them. I always thought I'd go first. I was just starting to feel safe and secure with his stability healing up the trust that had been damaged by a relapse a few years ago, and moving towards such a big step in our relationship (talking about him moving in with me). He had just paid his last payment on his probation fines, and started a better job with better hours and was excited.... and i've also never been sure what i thought about soul mates... but if they exist.. he was mine. I had always felt like we were just meant to be together. it felt like we were supposed to be for each other. so things HAD to keep turning out okay. and now they havent. I read too much fantasy growing up. too many book about quests and friendships conquering everything and love healing everything and keeping people together and protecting people. I was severely ill prepared for reality. I should have read more realistic stuff. (Actually, i still read a lot of fantasy, and re-read the old books) even all the philospophy i read. I'm naturally kind of cynical and tend towards pessimism and i made a conscious decision to set them aside for him. at one point i actually analyzed everything i knew about him and all the things that were flaws and downsides and risks, and decided i didnt care, i had to love him, i didnt want to run away from this relationship and i wanted to take it as far as it would go, and risk the fear of abandonment and the fear of intimacy and all the other fears and insecurities and all of his shortcomings and insecurities and the things he would struggle with and try to go through it all with him. we both talked about different times when we were deciding to choose not to run when we usually would because things were new and scary. And somehow, i guess childishly, maybe because its the only actual relationship ive had, I thought it somehow meant we somehow had control over our relationship. I knew, intellectually, that death is a possibility, and as addicts, we are in a somewhat higher risk category, recovering or not, but i still had always had the "it wont be us" belief. I have some additional mental health issues so i always thought, if anything, i was higher risk and would probably go first, and i know he didnt choose to die, and leave me, and i think if he knew he was going to, i dont think he would have done it, but that part does make me kind of angry at... the world, i guess. He had just helped me get through a particularly scary stretch of depression and i had was just stabilized and doing better and looking forward to the holidays with him and then...this. Like, why did i bother fighting to get better if i was just going to lose him? Sometimes i hear people use words or phrases that he used a lot, that i dont hear many people use and i feel like mahes here, and sometimes when im feelig more okay there are moments i feel like hes here and its comforting. I want to believe he's here. its comforting to hear/read other people talk about that they believe people stay after their bodies are gone. i miss his arms so much and his heart beat. i always felt the safest and most at home that way and its gone and i didnt even really give him a proper hug the last time i saw him. i was kind of dismissive. but he was supposed to come over that night and he never did. but We weren't done yet.
  3. I want to forget

    At first i wanted to talk about it all the time and i assembled an album on facebook of us and i wanted all the things that were memories, i slept in his tshirts, wore his hat. Now I just want to forget. I wish i could forget him. I dont want to see his face or hear the name or be reminded of what i lost. i dont want to touch the hat or see pictures. i'm still some jewelry he gave me, partly because i just dont really take off my jewelry once i have it set what i like wearing, and i just dont really look at the things that he gave me, and i do have one shirt thats on my bed that i havent moved, but i sort of ignore it. i try to distract myself with other things and think about it. How do people not go completely crazy? I want to forget everything. but of course i can't. im angry at the people who are moving along happily with their lives. i look away when my friends in relationships kiss, and try to block it out when they tell each other sappy things. I resent them. If he's not coming back then I want to forget him completely. (I dont know if I should be continuing this in my first post i made so as not to clog up the board, or if its okay to make a new thread, and i wasn't sure where to ask, so if someone who's been on here longer could let me know, this forum seems to work a little differently than other forums i've posted in before.)
  4. How do you live with it?

    Thank you. I forget if im repeating myself, but its comforting(?) to have "permission" for how im feeling still. It;s like, logically i know one thing (that its okay, "normal", still actually pretty early) and i can see what i would tell another person in this situation if the roles were reversed (and i have been on the other side, comforting someone who has lost a loved one)... but then emotionally, i tell myself something different, or have different standards or perceptions... and i'm not sure how much of what i think others are expecting is accurate and thow much is me being hard on myself and projecting. I mean, there's definitely the pressure from outside, like with work. thats real. (Although i did tell my boss that while i'm fucntion better, especitally during the day when im busy and distracted) i still have hard moments and dont always know when they'll hit. i told him (via email) i joined this site and that i might sometimes post here during the day if i had a particularly hard moment, for the extra support, and i would try to keep it minimla and not let it interfere with productivity, but i wanted to keep him in the loop in case he saw me on an unusual website. I told him he didnt need to respond, and he didnt, which in my-boss-language = acceptance.) but i also feel weird socially, like i shouldnt talk about it too much because i dont want it to start defining me. right now i dont really want to talk about it all the time, but when people ask how i am, or if i get emotional when im with someone, i feel more like i need to suppress it than i did in the beginning. (I've mostly been just seeing close friends though, sort of for that reason so that kind of helps i guess). I'm sure people/friends of any closeness would understand (because i know i would if it was flipped) so its probably my aversion to being publicly emotional in general, but i FEEL like i'll be judged? i'll annoy them? i'll depress them? I dont know exactly. Again, i know i'd tell you, or anyone else, **** what they feel about it, youre entitled to how you feel and if they dont understand that's their problem not yours, it's their job to take care of their own needs. you take care of yours., etc. ButI guess im so used to being the caretaker its hard not to constantly worry about how i'm effecting them, and let them support me, even if half the reason we;re talking/getting together at that moment is because they care about me. again, thank you. Hearing those things (that it's okay to feel like this, etc.) from outside helps immensely with combating my inner monologue. and the more i hear it the better. It also helps me get past the wall i've found myself wanting to start building of keeping it to myself so i dont "bother" anyone else.
  5. Faking okay for family

    thank you for the reassurance. It helps to be given "permission". I know that these are the things I would tell anyone else (what you have said to me) but when it comes to myself I always seem to have different "rules" or expectations (I'm not sure what word I want). With my parents and brother it's hard because I know they are so supportive and care so much and would be hurt if they knew I felt I couldn't be open with them, and devastated if something were to happen and they found out I hadn't talked to them (Not that I expect anything to happen), and, like how I feel with those I care about, the would rather worry about me but provide support now than have me go through it without them not knowing and possibly being unknowingly insensitive to how I'm feeling. But I've always felt a need to protect them. I feel guilty when I make them feel bad. whether its worried or disappointed or sad. They can also be a bit overwhelming in their caring, checking in a bit too often or even the way they check in? I don't know how to explain it. It makes me feel somewhat claustrophobic. It's hard to find the balance between keeping the boundaries I need to not feel overwhelmed by their care or shutting them out and letting them think i'm fine and then there being the confusion when i do let them in on what i'm feeling. I do have a couple friends I can be a little more open with. I have one friend who is going through the recent loss of her mother so we can share similar stages of feelings but about different losses (Sometimes it's too much for me to be with his family just yet). I also have a friend who lost his girlfriend a few years ago in the same way and talking to him has been helpful, a lot of the people I know "in real life" who have lost loved ones did so long enough ago that I think some of the initial feelings, and process has faded or they arent sharing them, but he still remembers the dreams and what he felt, and has shared with me. and then people i talk to online or text which is sometimes easier. I have a hard time with journaling about it because I don't want a record of how I'm feeling. If I write it down it sort of makes it that much more real. Also I think I'm afraid to really feel it because I feel like it will overwhelm me and pull me apart and never end. I know I have to go through it for it to get better, I've been told by my therapist and my psychiatrist and other people that you have to feel it for it to pass and if you dont it just keeps coming back later. I've never been good with emotions. I'm afraid of the feelings coming and I'm afraid of them when they come. I've always been a big writer in the past, but writing lets them loose.
  6. I have always minimized my struggles to console my parents. I don't like worrying or stressing them out so I tend to minimize things. I've let my parents think I'm coping much better than I am. I didn't tell them about the suicidal or self destructive feelings and only shared as much as I thought seemed "normal". Unfortunately this backfires sometimes when my mom then has expectations of me matching up with someone coping better than I truly am. I made a vague comment about feeling really bad and she'll make a standard response about it passing and dealing with it but really I'm wondering if I should be considering inpatient or anot out patient program. But I don't want to worry her so I kind of shrug it off so it's a catch 22. It's not that she wouldn't support me or would have inappropriate expectations if I were totally open with her, but I've never wanted to do that because I don't want to upset her (or anyone else in my family) or worry them and I want them to think I'm okay because i feel guilty whem theyr worry or check in all the time, But then when i do feel really bad, they don't understand (because it doesn't match what I show them) so her responses are sometimes aggravating. Does anyone else have someone in their life like this? Did it make sense? I'm not sure how to explain it really. Like... if I were to mention inpatient to her she would think I was overreacting and being dramatic, not because she's unsupportive but because the face I show her doesn't match up with that statement so it would seem strange to her... I'm not thinking inpatient right now, I can't miss that much work, for one thing, but it's the best example I can think of. The mismatch in information i give them leading to unuseful 'support' or feedback comes up in other contexts but that's s just the example that's easiest
  7. How do you live with it?

    Just so anyone knows, and to avoid any confusion, I changed my username from Even17 to Mica, partly because I think a couple people before have thought i was 17 (i'm fairly young, but not quite that young, oh my.)
  8. Is it okay that I'm still his wife?

    I agree with everyone else. Its absolutely okay. I can also relate to people sort of expecting you to find someone else. I wasn't married, but I'm 30 so of course I also have a couple people asking me already if/when I plan to start dating again (it only just happened in November!). Our society sort of seems to see that as a sign of "moving on". I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know if it's different with age, or different with marriage. I'm new to this loss, but I would it's about what you feel comfortable with and what feels right to you and you can think of your relationship the way you see it. i think also the new relationship idea is for the other people too, that they want us to "have someone else" and be happy and not be alone. I think it makes them feel comforted to think that we will find someone else to fill some of the hole left by our partner, or the fact that we are looking means we have healed more than if we are not looking. I know for me, right now, I have no interest in someone else. I dont think I can love anyone else like that or feel that comfortable or loved with someone else. I dont think it would be fair to someone else either because I wouldn't feel that way. Also, while he never proposed, we were together for 4 years, his mom found a ring when she was clearing out his things (which i now wear) and I dont ever want to take off, and that symbolism alone i think sums it up. so, long story short (too late) i dont know if my age, or not being married makes a difference, but i understand the pressure people put on you to find a new relationship. I actually felt offended, the first time someone mentioned it. do what feels right to you. not someone else. it was your and his relationship, not anyone elses.
  9. How do you live with it?

    thank you everyone for your replies. it has been really helpful, and having somewhere to talk. I'm not good at being open to people about certain emotions and thoughts, especially as it moves further away from the event, or its not as much of a "crisis" feeling. I start to feel like I'm being dramatic or attention seeking? or should "be over it"... partly i guess because everyone else kind of moves on (aside from the family, obviously, but the people in my daily life). This is a feeling/thought I've dealt with in general, dealing with mental health issues since i was a teenager, but i always thought that if there was a real trigger for it my feelings would feel valid. I have a lot of support from people, friends, family, even people i only know in passing who knew him or i knew years ago that have reached out or check in on me, and people at work check in on me, but I have a hard time using those resources. I have a couple friends i feel comfortable just going to their place and being there when i cant be alone, and a couple i feel okay being a little more open about what im thinking, but its hard, especially in person. I learned when i was in middle school that it was easier to share more anonymously, and in writing (I had joined one for mental health issues). It seems that now, 15 years later, that;s still true. I'm back at work this week (I had off the week between Christmas and new years) I have a fairly mindless job (typing a lot) and sometimes its hard not to let my mind wander to him. Especially since some of the things I type remind me of him. On the one hand its probably good to be productive and distracted but on the other...its still hard to focus sometimes, but i know I'm expected to be back at my best after the break and so much time has passed. The nightmares seem to have gone for the moist part and now i keep dreaming that i find him and its all a mistake and he's really okay somewhere, or maybe not "okay" but alive and we can make him okay. but then i wake up. i know "fair" is a word for childhood games but... its just not fair.
  10. How do you live with it?

    Ive hardly taken it off. I'm having a hard time with that too. I'm trying to make myself still see people or talk to people. It's just so much easier to hide
  11. How do you live with it?

    Thank you. She did let me keep it. She gave it to me when we met for coffee before Christmas. I am glad to have it but, as you say, it's bittersweet. I find myself resenting my friends who are in relationships or recently engaged/married. I feel badly for resenting their happiness and feeling so alone again without him and not understanding why. We were supposed to do so many things still.
  12. How do you live with it?

    Thank you, kayc. As I said, I'm not sure what I believe, and what worked in the past when my grandparents died or other friends who I wasn't as close to, doesn't work now. It's not good enough. Your thoughts on your beliefs were comforting. My therapist had said similar things about her beliefs from her 'scientific' perspective of what makes sense to her (more or less her words). I find myself being kind of okay and m9ving along and then realizing he's gone again and it's like it all hits again. I just keep thinking how he needs to come back now. I still feel like he has to come back. I watched a show where a guy is delusional and hallucinating people and It makes me jealous. I wish I could have some sort of minor psychotic break and believe I could still see and feel him. But I can't make that happen. How crazy does that sound
  13. How do you live with it?

    Thanks. I'm having such a hard time with everything and with the exception of the night after his funeral and last night I've only had nightmares about trying to find him or what happened. (The other two were actually nice, we're hanging out in dreamland kind of things) so it's like I can't even escape from the pain in my sleep. I will try those things. I do have a therapist and I'm looking for a support group. I've been putting that off a bit, im not really sure why. It was weird when I got the email notification for your reply. His name is also Tim and for a minute I got really confused. :-/ I know what happened wasn't my fault but I still feel like i failed. We met in recovery and he'd struggled to stay clean but was doing really well. He was supposed to come over after that night after a friend helped with some stuff at his dad's house... that "friend" ended up helping him to relapse and he died. Sometimes I wish he had taken me with him. Or I could go now. But I'm stuck here. I just feel really lost. I'll try the things you suggested
  14. My boyfriend died in November. I still feel like im waiting for him to come back. I'm sort of moving along a lot of times and I know I can live, and even laugh, without him but i dont always know if i want to... or how I can do this long term. His mom found a ring when she was going through his things. I can't imagine ever feeling as loved or accepted or comfortable with anyone else ever or loving anyone else like that, nor do I want to. I don't really know what I believe about after death but I know he isn't here with me and sometimes I wonder if I'd be there with him. I don't know if this is the right place to post or not. Or if it's okay to say that but I'm afraid to tell someone in real life because I don't want to worry people. I need him to come back. People keep telling me it gets easier but I can't see how. I don't know how to do this.