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About Emeliza

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    Advanced Member

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  1. Expectations

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard and I don't have any answers. The expectations are so much and too much. I don't know how I continue, but I do. I pretend a lot. Lose myself into books where I forget about what I had and my love and my life. I have to watch myself not to lose my cool with the kids as they still need/want things from me and I just want to escape life. But I can't. It is always there. That being said, I lost my husband and love in August and life goes on. It sucks and I am no longer who I was, but it continues and so I do too. And the waves of grief aren't as intense, not better, but easier. I hope that gives some comfort. Best wishes.
  2. Almost 3 year ago

    I do love that quote. Thank you for sharing it. I re-type it up so I could share it with my MIL. The grief and loss might not have the same intensity as time goes on, but it is always there. May I try to tell you again where your only comfort lies? It is not forgetting the happy past. People bring us well-meant, but miserable consolations when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections.---Phillip Brooks
  3. My memories are both. They make me happy and sad at the same time. I love telling and listening to stories about my husband. I cry often, but I laugh as well. People have commented that the only time I light up is when talking about him. So I don't know if there will be a time that the memories don't bring pain, but I think there is a time that they bring happiness as well.
  4. Taking a Break

    I had to take a break from here (I don't research grief or the afterlife as I have a pretty firm belief system). I felt like I wasn't helping anyone else here and sometimes reading about others misery and knowing my own just sort of sucked me down further. Sometimes I come in here and it is wonderful and I feel satisfied that I am not going crazy and what I post is helpful to someone else. Other times I think I do more harm than good, so I have taken a couple days off. I lurked a bit, but didn't post. Good luck with whatever you need to help you heal as much as you can.
  5. Unsupportive Friends

    I have a few neighbors that were wonderful (mowing my lawn weekly until it snowed and such) and quite a few who just sort of quit talking to us. They were all friendly before. It has been odd. My kid had the worst of it with a couple kids across the street. They told her it wasn't a big deal that her dad died and she needed to get over it. This was about 1 or 2 weeks after he passed away. I didn't have the energy to confront the family so we just didn't talk to them for months. I guess I have had it luckier than most. People seem to still check in on me every now and again. My youngest mentioned that we get invited to do more things with people we know than before. I think a big part of this is that every Thursday I post something on FB about my husband. I try to make it semi uplifting and not super personal, but I just don't want him forgotten. Last week my post was about his favorite hockey team and player and why he liked them and going to a few games and such. The week before it was his love for medicine and his hero in medicine which is why he got into it. My husband was still in school when he passed (he was a dreamer so it was his third career change---he always excelled at his work, but his drive to learn something new and help more people kept him evolving). Anyway, everyone's life has gone on while ours has stopped, but I won't allow him to be forgotten. Not fully. He was too wonderful.
  6. Invisible

    I am sorry. I didn't have that same experience, but I know at some places I have the leper experience where people don't talk to me or sit by me. This happens most often at church, which you think would be the opposite. I am very sorry for your loss and how you are being ignored with your pain. I am glad you have counseling and professional help. I hope you are able to limit your interaction with your loves family since it appears they seem to have no idea what others might be experiencing with loss.
  7. Want to share my experience.

    I journaled about this very thing last night. How different my grief was than that of my daughters, not more so, but different. I also journaled about how we had chosen each other. How different it was than the love I felt for my children as that was natural and almost automatic, but for our relationship it was different. Not unnatural, but more work, more conscious, more of a decision. The best decision. That through all the ups and downs, we still chose each other. When my husband proposed to me, he had inscribed on the ring, "I choose us" and it was so fitting and lovely.
  8. Why do I do it?

    I read his old emails when I need to feel closer to him and lay with his pillow, in his clothes, listening to songs he loved.....and I cry. Today I went to my works annual bowling tournament. I don't normally bowl, just once a year with the same team for the last 4 or 5 years. I had already had a hard wake up missing my darling. At the bowling alley, they played a ton of music and I found myself needing to hide in the bathroom or trying to face away from everyone as I couldn't stop tearing up or crying. I kept picturing my husband dancing around the kitchen or singing some of the lyrics. I knew songs he liked would trigger me, but they weren't even playing songs we had really listened to, just songs about love or from when we would have been young. Thankfully for the second half of the time I was there they played music that didn't make me think of him so much. I knew music was a trigger, but because I listen to NPR or audio books in the car (unless I want to think of him and I listen to a playlist of his favorites), I didn't realize how much of one it was. Especially when they weren't even "our" songs......
  9. God is Real

    Francine---I apologize if you felt I was being rude or confrontational. I shouldn't have posted. I get worried about pushing religion or ideology on people because I have so many non believing friends or friends that believe much differently than I do. I was just worried about people like that and I should have just left it alone.
  10. Still Heartbroken

    Katerose-- I don't know how we keep going on, I just know we do. I don't know why we are still here....alone, but we are. I am so sorry your love passed on. I am only at 5 months---23 weeks---and some days are so awful. I do hope this forum helps you with healing or venting or whatever it is you need.
  11. This made sense to me. You knew her. You know how she feels about you and out of anyone, I think you would be most apt at getting or receiving a message from her. I think your psychologist is on to something.
  12. Lost the love of my life 12/24/16

    All of what Clari said, but especially this. Try your hardest not to think about the future.
  13. Want to share my experience.

    This is something huge I miss. Someone that picked me and loved me, even in bad times. Someone who comforted me and held me when life was tough. I am so sorry for your loss. I know everyone says that, but those are more than lip service.
  14. Don't hold back, but don't self harm either. I mean, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I honestly don't think it will help and it will possibly set you back as a new guilt. Stupid guilt. I have so much. Guilt for things I did, didn't do, things we never accomplished. I know most of it I need to leave be, if not all of it, but sometimes the darkness takes over and I bury myself in it.
  15. Mine was sudden and I did my notes right away. I felt so out of control and just needed something to accomplish, to get something done. But I think it just made people think I was strong. I wasn't. I am not. I just needed to accomplish something. I just needed to do something. I think I got them all done before the shock wore off.