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Everything posted by Dgiirl

  1. I just lost my uncle a few hours ago. I was his last remaining relative and so it was my job to be there for him in the end of his life. He was my last connection to my father who passed away last December. My Dad's passing was hard but it was peaceful. The whole family had 5 weeks notice before he passed away. In reality, we had 4 years to prepare too. He was awake and conscious to the very end. He went to sleep and never woke up. It was peaceful and a blessing. My Dad was my world. My strength and protector. It's been a really hard year without him. I was starting to get anxious at his upcoming angel year anniversary. But I was so thankful to have been able to share that time with him and for him to go so peacefully. My uncle suffered from dementia and was living in a retirement home for the last 3 years. He stopped eating about a week ago. They were keeping an eye on him but since I live so far away, they didn't tell me until a few days later. By the time I got to him, he recognized me but couldn't speak. He just kept grabbing my hand. The next day he was barely active. He wasn't as responsive. Eyes half open. Having sleep apena. I thought that was bad. Until it got worse and worse for the last 3 days. Today was bad. I thought it was incredible cruel to not be able to do anything at all. He just slowly slowly slowly died. Each minute he had sleep apena, I hoped this was the last, until it wasn't. I am incredible shaken up by the experience. I'm afraid to rest my eyes and go to sleep. One moment, I'm in shock and feel numb. The next, I'm crying and shaking and screaming. I've never experienced death like this before. It wasn't good. All the nurses reassure me that he had no pain and he went peacefully. They've obviously have more experience with death than me. This was extremely shocking and is going to affect me deeply.
  2. Lying that my parents are still alive

    @midnight0thoughts my deepest condolences on the loss of both your parents. I know how difficult and painful losing a loved one is, and having to tell people and reliving all those emotions is very uncomfortable at times. However, I have learned too many people feel shame or awkwardness around various life situations because other people keep quiet and don't share. Because of this, there is no proper role models of healthy people experiencing bad situations and so stigma's around tough situations develop. Which becomes a vicious cycle because people don't want to share due to the stigmas. One thing I try to do in my life is break that cycle of shame and stigma for other people by being up front with my current life situation, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death in the family. One doesn't have to go into great detail or create drama around the situation when sharing, but it is perfectly acceptable and admirable to show people how resilient you are by admitting you are going through a difficult time and working through that. That shows how other people can do it too and helps them when it's their turn, because bad things can and will happen to everyone. And for that very rare person who might not quiet understand and might lack some compassion when you share, remember, that's on them, not you. At that moment, they are being a bad role model due to ignorance of the situation you are going through. Be compassionate towards them but move along and don't let them take you down. Almost everyone else will be compassionate towards you. They might not know exactly the perfect words to express, but they will understand and support you any way they can, and when it's their turn, you might see them looking up to you as a role model. This forum is a perfect example of being a good role model and breaking the stigma around life's situations. By sharing our stories here, a lot of people will read them and gain courage to continue on with their own situation. This only happens because we share our stories here.
  3. Everly, although it might be a bit difficult to find them, you might still have luck finding your deleted posts by using the following site. Choose a year, and then you'll see a history of what the site looked at that time. https://web.archive.org/web/20150501000000*/http://forums.grieving.com Hope it helps!
  4. I don't think you can put a time limit on grief. I'm almost 9 months, and I'm still grieving. One thing that I found helpful is to speak to my Dad. Although you might have some unresolved things you wanted to say to your dad when he was alive, you can still say them now. He may or may not be able to hear it, we won't know for certain until it is our own time to leave this earth, but there is no harm in believing he might and speak to him. I found this podcast on death very peaceful. http://podcast.bswa.org/mobile/e/buddhist-attitude-to-death-by-ajahn-brahmavamso/ It might bring you some peace too
  5. Please seek medical help if you are feeling suicidal. You owe it to yourself, your son, your family and even to your mother. The pain you are feeling is natural and understandable. And it does take time to work through grief. But what would your mom advise you to do? How do you think she would feel if she knew you were suicidal? I'm sure she loved you with all her heart and she would want you to continue to live life in her honour and to take care of your son. She taught you so many life lessons and raised you to continue living in her memory. You need to continue her memory by sharing who she was and what she taught you. She was a very special person for you and the world deserves to know about her. Your son still needs you and you need to show him how to honour a loved one after they are gone. Please seek counselling, and work through the grief. For your son and your mother's memory.
  6. Jenn, my condolences on the passing of your father. I know how hard it is to lose someone who was your strength. As for your husband, sounds like a man who has perfect timing. I know how that feels too, although not at the same time. Try your best to focus on you and healing from your grief and let your husband and family do what they are going to do. But with regards to your husband, be careful and protect yourself emotionally and financially. Make sure to have full documentation of shared assets and bank statements, and now might be the time to close any joint bank accounts. And if possible, talk to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. You don't need to file, but you should be prepared for what is to come. Lawyers here will give 30 minutes consultation free. Talk to three before picking one. And the best advice I got during my divorce was pick a lawyer who is going to calm the situation down, not add more gas to the fire. A lawyer who just adds more fuel will be very costly and doesn't have your best interest at heart.
  7. Advice please

    @Deanatron. My condolences for your loss of your mother. All your feelings are very natural. I'm sorry your family is not accepting of your orientation, but that doesn't mean your feelings of love for them stops. Although your feelings are very natural and understandable, try not to be too angry with your brother. Be thankful that your mother had someone with her, even though you wish it could have been you. I wish I had adequate words to help you in your grief. It will take time to work through all the emotions grief brings to us, but just know everything you are feeling is normal.
  8. I'm still struggling to believe my dad is gone. I'm in my early 40's and my dad was early 70's. We lived a few hours apart, so its been easy for me to be busy with work and forget about it, until it hits me. Like you, I feel like I should be handling it better but I feel like a little girl who lost her daddy. I'm not ready to live without him. As for the memories, have you thought about getting a journal and writing everything you can remember about your mom? I read this recommendation online so one doesn't forget. Write how she looked. What she loved to do and all her favorite things. Even write down stories you remember about her.
  9. he left me

    Tay, I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? How about a guidance counsellor or teacher at school?
  10. Broken heart

    My condolences on your loss. It's tough to lose one parent, let alone two with a few months of one another. I think it's beautiful you recorded their voices and it will bring comfort to you and your family in the coming months and years. I was very fortunate to have the forethought to email my dad how much I loved him last summer. I told him all the things I remembered as a child and how good of a father he was to me. I also have a few photos and selfies with him. Although I wish I had done more, they have given me great comfort. On father's day, I was able to read my email to him and his response. It made me cry but also made me soooo thankful I was able to tell him everything I needed to tell him.
  11. Hi Deb My condolences on your loss The pain of losing a loved one is painful but even more so when it's your parents I lost my Dad in December and it has been difficult for me to lose someone who knew me inside out and loved me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything to protect me I worry how I will manage when my mother is gone. But looking at it now, and trying to be objective about it, in reality, my dad would really want me to live my life with as much dignity and respect as he instilled in me. I know I would disrespect everything he taught me if I gave up now, even though I so want to. Our parents gave birth to us so we can continue their legacy once they are gone. Plus we can still try to make this world a better place day by day just by teaching others what our parents taught us. Although you might feel alone, I am sure there are people who care about you and still need you, whether it's family, friends, neighbors or coworkers. Even everyone on the forum cares about you and can learn from you. Please reach out to your support group, whether it's family, friends or even support groups. We are all here for you
  12. I agree to the days leading up to father's day has been very hard. It was a huge slap in the face the day after mother's day when all the decorations for father's day went up around here. I hate shopping and seeing all the gifts for Dad. It is also hard because this weekend was 6 months since my Dad's passing. It went by too fast and I'm dreading time moving forward. It feels like I'm being pulled away from my Dad as each day passes. I don't want time to move forward. I have heard the seconds can often be harder than the firsts because it sinks in our loved one is truly gone. I also get so resentful of those who don't want to celebrate father's day with their living father. I would give anything for just one more day with my Dad. One more hug. One more smile. One more "I love you with all my heart and soul" I think the best way to honor our loved ones is to do what you would have done if they were alive. My Dad loved nature and he often told me to relax and go for a walk in the woods. Now, I hear his words every time I go for a hike. It hurts but is also comforting
  13. This is so hard. I've been struggling so much lately. The mornings are so hard. I don't want to wake up and get out of bed. I force myself each day to work. I have a hard time concentrating. With the exception of a few moments during the day, there is very little joy in my work. I constantly (needlessly?) worry about my job performance. I worry they will find out I'm struggling and let me go. I try so hard to put a smile at work. And yet I still have friends asking me why I look so unhappy. They seem to forget that I'm depressed and lost my father. It feels just like yesterday and yet everyone has forgotten and moved on. I'm so tired of smiling. Tired of worrying. I take things so personally at work. Worried I've offended someone when I haven't. Worried people don't like me and are tired of being around me. I get into obsessive moments when I want to do massive self improvements. Become a better manager. Become a better presenter. Become a better coach. Now, I just found out a department in the company will be laid off. I'm not in that department but now I'm paranoid I might be next. I question whether I should start looking for a new job. Realistically, I'm probably better off riding it out. I don't have the energy to start at a new company. At least my current employer knows my situation and has been understanding. I really feel messed up. I want to get counselling or a support group but I can't figure out how. My anxiety is crazy with all the stress. I'm just so exhausted and I've been eating crap food. I'm gaining weight as a result. Just so so tired
  14. My Dad was fully conscious up until the final day. He was frustrated at the lack of desire to eat, the constant quench of thirst, and a few times he would become depressed and was scared of dying or tired of living and wanted it to end. But he saw how much pain that caused me so he kept a positive attitude as much as he could. I don't think he really realized how close he was to death. Or if he did, he didn't let us know. When he passed, it was in his sleep peacefully. No pain. He just finally stopped breathing. I'm thankful that he was conscious up until the very end. Even though he was in so much pain, at least I was able to spend as much time with him as possible and talk about so many things.
  15. @JackieF3 I would just share with your boyfriend what you just shared with us here. Men often tackle emotions differently than women, especially those who haven't gone through the same experience. They don't want to see us in pain. They want to comfort us. And very often that turns into them wanting to "fix" everything so they offer suggestions on how to distract you from your thoughts. Sometimes, this is exactly what you need. Other times, like you said, you just want to sit there and to process your emotions. Both are perfectly acceptable and both are needed at various times. I will caution you on the anger tho. You have every right to be angry. But he also has every right not to be subjected to the anger. And this is where you guys can possibly come to a compromise on how to best handle these times. Don't expect him to "see your side". But do expect him to respect your private moments where you can simply feel and process these emotions by yourself (or with counseling). I think it's perfectly fine for you to schedule some alone time during the day/week and ask him to give you that time and he can have his own alone time. And then when you are together, you can try to focus more on making quality time with him.
  16. @DDT it's one of the hardest things to do. But when things get really difficult, I just think what my Dad would want me to do and I know he would want me to continue living life and would be very sad if I didn't. So to honor him and his life, I get up and go to work every single day. And I know from suffering loss before, as each day passes, things will slowly get better. Its an up and down rollercoaster, more downs in the beginning than UP's, but it will get better
  17. @AngelaH I am so sorry for what you are going through. My Dad was admitted to the hospital in November and hospice in December. Two days later he passed away. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. We had no clue how much time we had and each day he seemed to get better and then relapse until he peacefully went in his sleep. I know it doesn't feel any comfort but you are lucky to have this time with your dad. Take advantage of it, spend as much time as you can with him. If he's conscious, talk to him, tell him everything you want to tell him, ask every thing you want to ask. If you are inclined, take photos and notes and anything you can to treasure his life. I was thankful to have discovered a few Live Photos of my Dad from his birthday in September. I didn't know I was taking Live Photos but I watch them over and over and although they make me sad, I also am so glad to have them. It is a true blessing that our family had that time together before his passing. It does bring me comfort knowing we were there with him every step of the way.
  18. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Be available when she needs you. Try to help where you can. Prepare her food, suggest walks or small activities to help get her mind off things from time to time. However, don't feel compelled to 'fix' her sorrow. She is going to feel sadness for a while and it is healthy for her to grieve. Sometimes she will even need space. The best thing for you to do is give her understanding and compassion and just follow her lead. I know this might be hard on you too. It can be hard to standby when someone you love is in pain. The things you use to do might be shadowed by her pain. But the biggest help you can do for her is to be patient. It might be helpful for you to seek a confident that will listen to you so you don't feel overwhelmed too
  19. @Orestes I am sorry for your loss and everything that you have had to endure. No matter the circumstances, losing a parent is always full of mixed and difficult emotions. As for your feelings on guilt and sadness, your reflections on death and cremation, even the questioning if you are repressing your feelings is so all very common. Although the reasons may all be different, the feelings are often the same. As long as you do not actively repress your feelings when you do feel emotional, then everything you are feeling is normal. It only becomes unhealthy when we deliberately repress our feelings. As long as you don't do that, everything else will sort itself out.
  20. Almost two years on

    @GlopieoThank you for sharing your story. I hope you did not feel pressured to share it. That was far from my intention. But quite honestly, from everything that you said, I think it was impossible for you to have predicted such a grave outcome and I'm 100% positive if you had any inclination that your father was in danger, you would do absolutely everything in your power to get him help. You have to believe this is not your fault and even *if* you had called emergencies, there is no guarantee it would have made a difference. The sad truth is hospitals cannot guarantee they can save your life. It sounds like your father's symptoms escalated pretty quickly. The human body is a unique complex machine and very often, it's hard to know if something is serious or not because the symptoms are often the same for a variety of illnesses. As for your mother, it's clear she's in very deep pain and she's still in many stages of grief. Understandably, she's desperately trying to make sense of such a great and unexpected sudden loss, and she's going to grasp to "if only"s. If only she had done this. If only you had done that. It's her way to process the grief. However, you have to realize that there was nothing you could have done. And although I know you love your mother deeply, it's also not fair for her to question your actions. I say this, not to demonize your mother, but to help you break free from the dysfunction. Once you can realize what she is doing is not fair, then you can acknowledge that your mother is only human, she is hurting, and she makes mistakes (like we all do). Her questioning your actions is NOT about you but all about her processing her grief. From what you've shared, you are an extremely good and caring person. You care deeply for your mother and your siblings, and you have a lot of compassion. You have a lot on your plate, but from the sounds of it, you are resilient and this builds strong character. You should be proud of yourself and the way you have stepped up to the plate to not only continue on with your education, but also be there for your family. Continue doing what you are doing, stay strong but also take care of yourself. I'm positive your father is very proud of you right now. Keep posting and sharing. It often helps!
  21. Almost two years on

    @Glopieo I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. And I'm really sorry you have to endure the actions of your grieving mother. It is clear she is in great pain and does not know how to cope with the loss, but it is incredibly unfair what she is doing to you. You don't provide much details on the cause of death but you cannot be held responsible for what happened. Based on your post here, I can tell you are a very kind and caring person, and I know you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Unfortunately, bad things happen all the time, and I do believe things happen for a reason. Sadly, it was simply your dad's time to go. Based on your mom's methods of coping, is it possible for the two of you to seek counselling? Although I don't expect her to be perfectly happy after a year, I don't think drinking and unfairly blaming you for actions that may or may not have made a difference is healthy for her and it's very destructive to you. She might not even be aware of what she is doing. Is it possible to speak to her about it? Can you tell her how it makes you feel? At least for yourself, try to seek counselling. You need to be able to grieve for your dad in a safe place and right now you have been taking care of your mother and haven't had the chance to focus and heal yourself. You need to spend some time on yourself Please keep posting. It often helps
  22. I think this might be part of the explanation to the way you are feeling Like you, I haven't cried much for my father since his passing. The first month after his passing, I questioned if something was wrong with me. For me, I'm partly in denial, partly busy with work, and partly at peace as I was able to spend a lot of time with my father last summer and even when he was sick in November. I am so thankful for the time we had and I am thankful I had the forethought to tell him I loved him so much and what a wonderful father he was. My dads health was slowly deteriorating the last few years, so I grieved deeply many many many times before his passing and I think that explains a little about how I have grieved after his passing. I also know immediately after his death I was in shock and my emotions closed off, probably as a defense mechanism. But as the months have passed, it is starting to hit me and I'm having more difficult times My advice is just be kind and gentle to yourself and let yourself grieve the way you need to. As long as you are not deliberately avoiding your emotions when you do feel emotional, then you are doing what your body can handle. Take comfort that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal
  23. Lost my mom recently

    Hi @fletch14 I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is such an extremely painful experience. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve. This will take patience and time, but as the days progress, you will slowly learn to move on and you will have moments of happiness. Its a rollercoaster of emotions where some days are really really low, but others are not so low. Eventually, you will be able to think of your mother and it will not be so painful. There will always be some sadness but you will also be thankful you had such a good mom and that will bring a smile to your face. Take your time. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and take each moment as it comes. But I guarantee that as time moves on, it will eventually be less painful. It just takes time.
  24. @Mbrysonn I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have any words of wisdom but I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I lost my father back in December and went back to work three weeks later. To me it felt immediate as I didn't take any time to grieve. I am now struggling at work, don't really want to work, getting very frustrated at all the demands at work and keep feeling like I'm a failure. I think about quitting daily but know it would not be a wise decision. The only advice I can offer is just take each day as it comes. It is important to take the time to grieve but it is also important to keep doing your best to meet your responsibilities as best as you can. Some days you will feel stronger than others. Its really important to pay attention to your body. Be kind to yourself but also don't allow yourself to fall too deep into depression and grief. Its a very delicate dance. If you feel you are going too deep into depression, then seek help from a support group, church or therapist.
  25. @Athina oh my. That friend was insensitive. I've had my fair share of stupid questions from acquaintances. At first, I would try to help them out of the situation but now I just stop mid sentence and look at them dumbfounded. They usually get the hint and either apologize or change subject. I really hope I never made anyone feel like this during a bereavement. I'm getting to old for stupid comments. I too argue a lot with my surviving parent, my mom. I'm struggling hard now that my Dad is gone. He was my buffer against her craziness. I got in a big fight with her 3 weeks ago and haven't spoken to her since. I can't continue dealing with her controlling behaviour and then accusations that I'm the controlling one. She will never take any accountability for herself, and she thinks because she's the parent I have to obey her and never correct her. Even when she's wrong. There is no reasoning with her, no logic, nothing that will appease her. I feel guilty not speaking to her but that is how she controls me, through fear and guilt. And the things we fight over are the stupidest things, no normal person would blow up and attack the way she does. She makes me feel I'm mentally crazy.