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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Dgiirl

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Everything posted by Dgiirl

  1. Hills, my deepest condolences on your loss. Watching a loved one pass is difficult enough. Ten times fold, when they are scared and suffering and you have no power to change things. As for the guilt, ask yourself honestly, if it was your daughter or a close friend in your shoes, and they told you the story you just told us, what would you honestly think? Would you think they let their loved one down? Would you think they did absolutely everything they could, considering the circumstances? If you would think any differently about the situation if it was someone else telling the story, reflect on why? Very often, our internal voices are so much crueler on ourselves than we are on other people. If you wouldn't believe it about other people, then you shouldn't believe it about yourself. However, if you would still think the same, despite the person telling the story, then what can you learn from the situation to make it better? A positive change can always come out of a negative, making the negative have meaning and purpose. Based on what you have shared with us, I can tell you are a kind and loving person. You've gone through quite a bit of difficult loss which shows how strong you are. Give yourself some of that kindness and strength.
  2. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Depression hit me hard at around the 5-6 month after my father passing too. I think part of it was the shock wore off, I was starting to get back into a routine, friends stopped checking up on me to see how I was, life just continued on and people were expecting me to be back to normal, and I really felt the need to talk to my Dad. It's really important to take care of yourself at this time. Although being depressed is understandable and can be therapeutic, it can also be a bit of a slippery dark hole. You need to pay attention to how long you let yourself be sad and make sure you still can function. Make sure you are getting out of bed and outside with fresh air. Also, give yourself an outlet or a break from these feelings. It's important to grieve, but it's also important to make sure you don't get stuck in these feelings and seek help if you do. Pay attention to yourself and you will know what to do
  3. Why am I not grieving

    First, My condolences on your loss. Second, You are definitely not a monster. As everyone has said, we all grieve in our own way, and differently for different people. When my father passed away last year, I felt very numb. I didn’t break down or cry like I thought I would, and I was very close to my dad. Eventually the numb turned into depression for a few months and eventually the tears came. Now that it has been a year, I’m feeling more now than I did last year. I’m angry and don’t want to celebrate the holidays and want to be alone. But I know in time this will pass too. It’s just part of the journey. I also know that past life experiences have somewhat prepared me to handle this journey, and I know the loss of my father has prepared me for the future. And so each experience has been affected by previous experiences and will be often different than others. The most important thing to do when grieving is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel, whether that is shock, numb, sadness or depression. As long as you don’t bottle up your emotions and prevent yourself from crying when you do cry, every thing will come out when it needs too and when you are ready. Be kind to yourself. Often we say the cruelest things to ourselves we would never say to anyone else.
  4. I’m sorry for your loss and what you are going through. This is a really tough situation and I’m not really sure what the right answer is. If your dad was having an affair, although it’s not right, there might be reasons. Unfortunately, you will never know the whole story. Most affairs start as emotional affairs. Meaning, neither couple are actively looking to cheat, instead they find someone who they build a friendship with and start to confide in. And it’s very easy for long term relationships to take one another for granted and stop working on the relationship, leaving some to feel very alone and isolated and prime candidate for an emotional affair. Most people don’t realize the dangers of an emotional affair (we are just friends) and how quickly it can develop into a physical affair. Right or wrong, it can be understood and forgiven if both parties in the marriage understand how it got to that state and actively work on the relationship so they don’t pull away from one another in the future However, once you’ve had an affair, and you decided to commit to the marriage and you successfully came out of the affair fog, you’ve used up all the cards for forgiveness. If you have another affair, You know exactly what you are doing and you are doing it deliberately I don’t know if you should confront your dad or ignore it. I guess try to put yourself in your Dad’s shoes and how would you want your child to confront the situation. Again, this is your Dad’s life and he has the right to make his own decisions. And realize that he’s also just human. He won’t be perfect and will make mistakes. This might be a new relationship or a previous one. How will knowing that impact your relationship with your father and is it something you really want to know?
  5. This will be my second Christmas without my Dad. My dad passed away last December, just before Christmas. As soon as the stores started putting up Christmas decorations this year I felt this deep feeling of sadness and dread. It was overwhelming thinking about celebrating Christmas and buying gifts etc. I really did not want to do it so I asked my family if we can skip gift giving this year and everyone agreed. We are also going to start a new tradition and celebrate on Christmas Day instead of eve. Your friend definitely means well and did try to give you good advice. Your mom, like my dad, wouldn’t want us to be sad on Christmas. On the other hand, Christmas will never be the same without them. I’m hoping by starting new traditions, I can honour my Dad and still not have a painful reminder of missing him. Maybe find a tradition, that is not so painful but they would be proud we started in their name? Try to make something positive over experiencing such a painful loss. Make something good come out of a bad
  6. What a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing!
  7. Joemiked, just handling it one day at a time is really the only way to get through it. When my dad first passed away, I was in shock and numb of emotion. 3-4 months later, it finally hit me and I was depressed. But I thought deeply about what my Dad would have wanted for me. I know in his heart and soul, it would pain him deeply if I just gave up and stopped living life. So I made a decision that the best way to honor my dad was to live life as best as I can, trying to make it a better place each day and share with the world all the wonderful life lessons he shared with me. My dad was a firm believer in not taking life too seriously, not being so power hungry for success, and if he can ever help other people succeed, he'd be so happy to do so, never envious of anyone else's successes. So I started pursuing challenges at work that live by his motto. I'm trying to put myself in mentoring positions where I can help other people succeed and share with them some of my skills and knowledge that will improve their career. Btw, It's ok to get emotional. It's healthy. You need to get it out, otherwise, you will never heal. The strong face their emotions, allow themselves to feel it all, and then persevere, one moment at a time.
  8. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. My uncle passed away last month and it was absolutely horrible to watch and witness. I thought as you that it was very cruel. Although I cared for my uncle, I wasn’t as emotionally close to him as my father who passed a year ago. My father passed away in his sleep and although we knew the end was near, and had that time to talk and say what needed to be said, I was not there when he finally passed. I was there when my uncle passed. Having experienced both deaths, my uncle’s death was much more traumatic for me from a pure active death perspective. I know I would not have been able to witness my father go through what my uncle went through. And I know my uncle would have hated me witness his death. I felt the need to be there for him, so I’m glad I was there but I’m also glad I was spared from witnessing my dad’s death too. If I was there I don’t think my dad would have gone peacefully in his sleep. I’m sharing all of this just to say do as much as you personally can for your mother, which you already are, try to make her as comfortable as possible, but also take care of yourself too. If you need to leave just to take a break, then don’t feel any guilt for doing so. If your mom passes when you are not there, that it is also okay. What ever is meant to happen will happen. I know your mom is very proud of you. They say the dying often have a say in whether they want loved ones to witness their deaths, often choosing to pass just shortly after their family members leave to take a break. My heart goes out to you. Take strength knowing you are doing everything you can for your mother.
  9. Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing. I cannot believe a year has come so fast. I cannot believe it's been a full year since I last spoke to my Dad. I so desperately wish I could speak to him and hear his voice. I have a few pictures and one video clip of him celebrating his last birthday. I watch them frequently. Boy do I miss him so much. He was my rock and helped me in so many ways. Over the year, I've only had two dreams of him. I so wish I could dream of him. I wish I could have happy dreams of him. It's been an interesting year and I think he would have been proud of me. I constantly ask for a sign, something to help me know he's still here in some way. Before his passing, I truly did believe in some sort of after life. I believed the dead can hear our words and our thoughts and know everything that was in our hearts. I believed they become much more compassionate and forgiving. As it turned out, my dad shared this same belief as he told me during his last few days. I took comfort knowing we would still be connected. However, since his passing, all I feel is this deep void. I struggle to feel his presence. A strange thing happened to me last week. I came home and found a parcel on my door. No shipping address, but after opening it, i can see it came from a local decorating company thanking me for my patronage during the holiday season. This is obviously not meant for me. I have zero knowledge of this company and never used their services. It was most likely meant for a neighbor. However, it's a small cardboard box of plain nuts with the words "The holiday's are nuts. Why break from tradition?". There are two strange things about this parcel. First, I really didn't feel like celebrating Christmas this year and asked the rest of the family if we could skip the gifts. Christmas Eve was always special in our house and my Dad loved giving and receiving gifts, often dressing up as Santa when we were kids. So it's been really hard the past two Christmas', and when the decorations came out at the malls in November, I started feeling panic attacks and a deep feeling of dread. I spoke to my family and my mother suggested we start a new tradition and celebrate on christmas day instead of eve this year. Second, I use to tease my dad about him spending his whole retirement and his money, my future inheritance, on the birds and squirrels and chipmunks. He loved feeding them all. *IF* there was an afterlife, and if my dad could send me a sign, a box of nuts is the exact thing he would send me. He would have thought it was hilarious and would want me to feed his fury friends for him. I do realize I'm grasping at straws. My partner doesn't share my belief in the after life, so I can't speak to him about it. But I do stop and wonder sometimes. I really wish I could know without a doubt that I'll see my dad again.
  10. I just lost my uncle a few hours ago. I was his last remaining relative and so it was my job to be there for him in the end of his life. He was my last connection to my father who passed away last December. My Dad's passing was hard but it was peaceful. The whole family had 5 weeks notice before he passed away. In reality, we had 4 years to prepare too. He was awake and conscious to the very end. He went to sleep and never woke up. It was peaceful and a blessing. My Dad was my world. My strength and protector. It's been a really hard year without him. I was starting to get anxious at his upcoming angel year anniversary. But I was so thankful to have been able to share that time with him and for him to go so peacefully. My uncle suffered from dementia and was living in a retirement home for the last 3 years. He stopped eating about a week ago. They were keeping an eye on him but since I live so far away, they didn't tell me until a few days later. By the time I got to him, he recognized me but couldn't speak. He just kept grabbing my hand. The next day he was barely active. He wasn't as responsive. Eyes half open. Having sleep apena. I thought that was bad. Until it got worse and worse for the last 3 days. Today was bad. I thought it was incredible cruel to not be able to do anything at all. He just slowly slowly slowly died. Each minute he had sleep apena, I hoped this was the last, until it wasn't. I am incredible shaken up by the experience. I'm afraid to rest my eyes and go to sleep. One moment, I'm in shock and feel numb. The next, I'm crying and shaking and screaming. I've never experienced death like this before. It wasn't good. All the nurses reassure me that he had no pain and he went peacefully. They've obviously have more experience with death than me. This was extremely shocking and is going to affect me deeply.
  11. Lying that my parents are still alive

    @midnight0thoughts my deepest condolences on the loss of both your parents. I know how difficult and painful losing a loved one is, and having to tell people and reliving all those emotions is very uncomfortable at times. However, I have learned too many people feel shame or awkwardness around various life situations because other people keep quiet and don't share. Because of this, there is no proper role models of healthy people experiencing bad situations and so stigma's around tough situations develop. Which becomes a vicious cycle because people don't want to share due to the stigmas. One thing I try to do in my life is break that cycle of shame and stigma for other people by being up front with my current life situation, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death in the family. One doesn't have to go into great detail or create drama around the situation when sharing, but it is perfectly acceptable and admirable to show people how resilient you are by admitting you are going through a difficult time and working through that. That shows how other people can do it too and helps them when it's their turn, because bad things can and will happen to everyone. And for that very rare person who might not quiet understand and might lack some compassion when you share, remember, that's on them, not you. At that moment, they are being a bad role model due to ignorance of the situation you are going through. Be compassionate towards them but move along and don't let them take you down. Almost everyone else will be compassionate towards you. They might not know exactly the perfect words to express, but they will understand and support you any way they can, and when it's their turn, you might see them looking up to you as a role model. This forum is a perfect example of being a good role model and breaking the stigma around life's situations. By sharing our stories here, a lot of people will read them and gain courage to continue on with their own situation. This only happens because we share our stories here.
  12. Everly, although it might be a bit difficult to find them, you might still have luck finding your deleted posts by using the following site. Choose a year, and then you'll see a history of what the site looked at that time. https://web.archive.org/web/20150501000000*/http://forums.grieving.com Hope it helps!
  13. I don't think you can put a time limit on grief. I'm almost 9 months, and I'm still grieving. One thing that I found helpful is to speak to my Dad. Although you might have some unresolved things you wanted to say to your dad when he was alive, you can still say them now. He may or may not be able to hear it, we won't know for certain until it is our own time to leave this earth, but there is no harm in believing he might and speak to him. I found this podcast on death very peaceful. http://podcast.bswa.org/mobile/e/buddhist-attitude-to-death-by-ajahn-brahmavamso/ It might bring you some peace too
  14. Please seek medical help if you are feeling suicidal. You owe it to yourself, your son, your family and even to your mother. The pain you are feeling is natural and understandable. And it does take time to work through grief. But what would your mom advise you to do? How do you think she would feel if she knew you were suicidal? I'm sure she loved you with all her heart and she would want you to continue to live life in her honour and to take care of your son. She taught you so many life lessons and raised you to continue living in her memory. You need to continue her memory by sharing who she was and what she taught you. She was a very special person for you and the world deserves to know about her. Your son still needs you and you need to show him how to honour a loved one after they are gone. Please seek counselling, and work through the grief. For your son and your mother's memory.
  15. Jenn, my condolences on the passing of your father. I know how hard it is to lose someone who was your strength. As for your husband, sounds like a man who has perfect timing. I know how that feels too, although not at the same time. Try your best to focus on you and healing from your grief and let your husband and family do what they are going to do. But with regards to your husband, be careful and protect yourself emotionally and financially. Make sure to have full documentation of shared assets and bank statements, and now might be the time to close any joint bank accounts. And if possible, talk to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. You don't need to file, but you should be prepared for what is to come. Lawyers here will give 30 minutes consultation free. Talk to three before picking one. And the best advice I got during my divorce was pick a lawyer who is going to calm the situation down, not add more gas to the fire. A lawyer who just adds more fuel will be very costly and doesn't have your best interest at heart.
  16. Advice please

    @Deanatron. My condolences for your loss of your mother. All your feelings are very natural. I'm sorry your family is not accepting of your orientation, but that doesn't mean your feelings of love for them stops. Although your feelings are very natural and understandable, try not to be too angry with your brother. Be thankful that your mother had someone with her, even though you wish it could have been you. I wish I had adequate words to help you in your grief. It will take time to work through all the emotions grief brings to us, but just know everything you are feeling is normal.
  17. I'm still struggling to believe my dad is gone. I'm in my early 40's and my dad was early 70's. We lived a few hours apart, so its been easy for me to be busy with work and forget about it, until it hits me. Like you, I feel like I should be handling it better but I feel like a little girl who lost her daddy. I'm not ready to live without him. As for the memories, have you thought about getting a journal and writing everything you can remember about your mom? I read this recommendation online so one doesn't forget. Write how she looked. What she loved to do and all her favorite things. Even write down stories you remember about her.
  18. he left me

    Tay, I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? How about a guidance counsellor or teacher at school?
  19. Broken heart

    My condolences on your loss. It's tough to lose one parent, let alone two with a few months of one another. I think it's beautiful you recorded their voices and it will bring comfort to you and your family in the coming months and years. I was very fortunate to have the forethought to email my dad how much I loved him last summer. I told him all the things I remembered as a child and how good of a father he was to me. I also have a few photos and selfies with him. Although I wish I had done more, they have given me great comfort. On father's day, I was able to read my email to him and his response. It made me cry but also made me soooo thankful I was able to tell him everything I needed to tell him.
  20. Hi Deb My condolences on your loss The pain of losing a loved one is painful but even more so when it's your parents I lost my Dad in December and it has been difficult for me to lose someone who knew me inside out and loved me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything to protect me I worry how I will manage when my mother is gone. But looking at it now, and trying to be objective about it, in reality, my dad would really want me to live my life with as much dignity and respect as he instilled in me. I know I would disrespect everything he taught me if I gave up now, even though I so want to. Our parents gave birth to us so we can continue their legacy once they are gone. Plus we can still try to make this world a better place day by day just by teaching others what our parents taught us. Although you might feel alone, I am sure there are people who care about you and still need you, whether it's family, friends, neighbors or coworkers. Even everyone on the forum cares about you and can learn from you. Please reach out to your support group, whether it's family, friends or even support groups. We are all here for you
  21. I agree to the days leading up to father's day has been very hard. It was a huge slap in the face the day after mother's day when all the decorations for father's day went up around here. I hate shopping and seeing all the gifts for Dad. It is also hard because this weekend was 6 months since my Dad's passing. It went by too fast and I'm dreading time moving forward. It feels like I'm being pulled away from my Dad as each day passes. I don't want time to move forward. I have heard the seconds can often be harder than the firsts because it sinks in our loved one is truly gone. I also get so resentful of those who don't want to celebrate father's day with their living father. I would give anything for just one more day with my Dad. One more hug. One more smile. One more "I love you with all my heart and soul" I think the best way to honor our loved ones is to do what you would have done if they were alive. My Dad loved nature and he often told me to relax and go for a walk in the woods. Now, I hear his words every time I go for a hike. It hurts but is also comforting
  22. This is so hard. I've been struggling so much lately. The mornings are so hard. I don't want to wake up and get out of bed. I force myself each day to work. I have a hard time concentrating. With the exception of a few moments during the day, there is very little joy in my work. I constantly (needlessly?) worry about my job performance. I worry they will find out I'm struggling and let me go. I try so hard to put a smile at work. And yet I still have friends asking me why I look so unhappy. They seem to forget that I'm depressed and lost my father. It feels just like yesterday and yet everyone has forgotten and moved on. I'm so tired of smiling. Tired of worrying. I take things so personally at work. Worried I've offended someone when I haven't. Worried people don't like me and are tired of being around me. I get into obsessive moments when I want to do massive self improvements. Become a better manager. Become a better presenter. Become a better coach. Now, I just found out a department in the company will be laid off. I'm not in that department but now I'm paranoid I might be next. I question whether I should start looking for a new job. Realistically, I'm probably better off riding it out. I don't have the energy to start at a new company. At least my current employer knows my situation and has been understanding. I really feel messed up. I want to get counselling or a support group but I can't figure out how. My anxiety is crazy with all the stress. I'm just so exhausted and I've been eating crap food. I'm gaining weight as a result. Just so so tired
  23. My Dad was fully conscious up until the final day. He was frustrated at the lack of desire to eat, the constant quench of thirst, and a few times he would become depressed and was scared of dying or tired of living and wanted it to end. But he saw how much pain that caused me so he kept a positive attitude as much as he could. I don't think he really realized how close he was to death. Or if he did, he didn't let us know. When he passed, it was in his sleep peacefully. No pain. He just finally stopped breathing. I'm thankful that he was conscious up until the very end. Even though he was in so much pain, at least I was able to spend as much time with him as possible and talk about so many things.
  24. @JackieF3 I would just share with your boyfriend what you just shared with us here. Men often tackle emotions differently than women, especially those who haven't gone through the same experience. They don't want to see us in pain. They want to comfort us. And very often that turns into them wanting to "fix" everything so they offer suggestions on how to distract you from your thoughts. Sometimes, this is exactly what you need. Other times, like you said, you just want to sit there and to process your emotions. Both are perfectly acceptable and both are needed at various times. I will caution you on the anger tho. You have every right to be angry. But he also has every right not to be subjected to the anger. And this is where you guys can possibly come to a compromise on how to best handle these times. Don't expect him to "see your side". But do expect him to respect your private moments where you can simply feel and process these emotions by yourself (or with counseling). I think it's perfectly fine for you to schedule some alone time during the day/week and ask him to give you that time and he can have his own alone time. And then when you are together, you can try to focus more on making quality time with him.
  25. @DDT it's one of the hardest things to do. But when things get really difficult, I just think what my Dad would want me to do and I know he would want me to continue living life and would be very sad if I didn't. So to honor him and his life, I get up and go to work every single day. And I know from suffering loss before, as each day passes, things will slowly get better. Its an up and down rollercoaster, more downs in the beginning than UP's, but it will get better
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