Dgiirl

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About Dgiirl

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  1. My Dad was fully conscious up until the final day. He was frustrated at the lack of desire to eat, the constant quench of thirst, and a few times he would become depressed and was scared of dying or tired of living and wanted it to end. But he saw how much pain that caused me so he kept a positive attitude as much as he could. I don't think he really realized how close he was to death. Or if he did, he didn't let us know. When he passed, it was in his sleep peacefully. No pain. He just finally stopped breathing. I'm thankful that he was conscious up until the very end. Even though he was in so much pain, at least I was able to spend as much time with him as possible and talk about so many things.
  2. @JackieF3 I would just share with your boyfriend what you just shared with us here. Men often tackle emotions differently than women, especially those who haven't gone through the same experience. They don't want to see us in pain. They want to comfort us. And very often that turns into them wanting to "fix" everything so they offer suggestions on how to distract you from your thoughts. Sometimes, this is exactly what you need. Other times, like you said, you just want to sit there and to process your emotions. Both are perfectly acceptable and both are needed at various times. I will caution you on the anger tho. You have every right to be angry. But he also has every right not to be subjected to the anger. And this is where you guys can possibly come to a compromise on how to best handle these times. Don't expect him to "see your side". But do expect him to respect your private moments where you can simply feel and process these emotions by yourself (or with counseling). I think it's perfectly fine for you to schedule some alone time during the day/week and ask him to give you that time and he can have his own alone time. And then when you are together, you can try to focus more on making quality time with him.
  3. @DDT it's one of the hardest things to do. But when things get really difficult, I just think what my Dad would want me to do and I know he would want me to continue living life and would be very sad if I didn't. So to honor him and his life, I get up and go to work every single day. And I know from suffering loss before, as each day passes, things will slowly get better. Its an up and down rollercoaster, more downs in the beginning than UP's, but it will get better
  4. @AngelaH I am so sorry for what you are going through. My Dad was admitted to the hospital in November and hospice in December. Two days later he passed away. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. We had no clue how much time we had and each day he seemed to get better and then relapse until he peacefully went in his sleep. I know it doesn't feel any comfort but you are lucky to have this time with your dad. Take advantage of it, spend as much time as you can with him. If he's conscious, talk to him, tell him everything you want to tell him, ask every thing you want to ask. If you are inclined, take photos and notes and anything you can to treasure his life. I was thankful to have discovered a few Live Photos of my Dad from his birthday in September. I didn't know I was taking Live Photos but I watch them over and over and although they make me sad, I also am so glad to have them. It is a true blessing that our family had that time together before his passing. It does bring me comfort knowing we were there with him every step of the way.
  5. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Be available when she needs you. Try to help where you can. Prepare her food, suggest walks or small activities to help get her mind off things from time to time. However, don't feel compelled to 'fix' her sorrow. She is going to feel sadness for a while and it is healthy for her to grieve. Sometimes she will even need space. The best thing for you to do is give her understanding and compassion and just follow her lead. I know this might be hard on you too. It can be hard to standby when someone you love is in pain. The things you use to do might be shadowed by her pain. But the biggest help you can do for her is to be patient. It might be helpful for you to seek a confident that will listen to you so you don't feel overwhelmed too
  6. @Orestes I am sorry for your loss and everything that you have had to endure. No matter the circumstances, losing a parent is always full of mixed and difficult emotions. As for your feelings on guilt and sadness, your reflections on death and cremation, even the questioning if you are repressing your feelings is so all very common. Although the reasons may all be different, the feelings are often the same. As long as you do not actively repress your feelings when you do feel emotional, then everything you are feeling is normal. It only becomes unhealthy when we deliberately repress our feelings. As long as you don't do that, everything else will sort itself out.
  7. @GlopieoThank you for sharing your story. I hope you did not feel pressured to share it. That was far from my intention. But quite honestly, from everything that you said, I think it was impossible for you to have predicted such a grave outcome and I'm 100% positive if you had any inclination that your father was in danger, you would do absolutely everything in your power to get him help. You have to believe this is not your fault and even *if* you had called emergencies, there is no guarantee it would have made a difference. The sad truth is hospitals cannot guarantee they can save your life. It sounds like your father's symptoms escalated pretty quickly. The human body is a unique complex machine and very often, it's hard to know if something is serious or not because the symptoms are often the same for a variety of illnesses. As for your mother, it's clear she's in very deep pain and she's still in many stages of grief. Understandably, she's desperately trying to make sense of such a great and unexpected sudden loss, and she's going to grasp to "if only"s. If only she had done this. If only you had done that. It's her way to process the grief. However, you have to realize that there was nothing you could have done. And although I know you love your mother deeply, it's also not fair for her to question your actions. I say this, not to demonize your mother, but to help you break free from the dysfunction. Once you can realize what she is doing is not fair, then you can acknowledge that your mother is only human, she is hurting, and she makes mistakes (like we all do). Her questioning your actions is NOT about you but all about her processing her grief. From what you've shared, you are an extremely good and caring person. You care deeply for your mother and your siblings, and you have a lot of compassion. You have a lot on your plate, but from the sounds of it, you are resilient and this builds strong character. You should be proud of yourself and the way you have stepped up to the plate to not only continue on with your education, but also be there for your family. Continue doing what you are doing, stay strong but also take care of yourself. I'm positive your father is very proud of you right now. Keep posting and sharing. It often helps!
  8. @Glopieo I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. And I'm really sorry you have to endure the actions of your grieving mother. It is clear she is in great pain and does not know how to cope with the loss, but it is incredibly unfair what she is doing to you. You don't provide much details on the cause of death but you cannot be held responsible for what happened. Based on your post here, I can tell you are a very kind and caring person, and I know you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Unfortunately, bad things happen all the time, and I do believe things happen for a reason. Sadly, it was simply your dad's time to go. Based on your mom's methods of coping, is it possible for the two of you to seek counselling? Although I don't expect her to be perfectly happy after a year, I don't think drinking and unfairly blaming you for actions that may or may not have made a difference is healthy for her and it's very destructive to you. She might not even be aware of what she is doing. Is it possible to speak to her about it? Can you tell her how it makes you feel? At least for yourself, try to seek counselling. You need to be able to grieve for your dad in a safe place and right now you have been taking care of your mother and haven't had the chance to focus and heal yourself. You need to spend some time on yourself Please keep posting. It often helps
  9. I think this might be part of the explanation to the way you are feeling Like you, I haven't cried much for my father since his passing. The first month after his passing, I questioned if something was wrong with me. For me, I'm partly in denial, partly busy with work, and partly at peace as I was able to spend a lot of time with my father last summer and even when he was sick in November. I am so thankful for the time we had and I am thankful I had the forethought to tell him I loved him so much and what a wonderful father he was. My dads health was slowly deteriorating the last few years, so I grieved deeply many many many times before his passing and I think that explains a little about how I have grieved after his passing. I also know immediately after his death I was in shock and my emotions closed off, probably as a defense mechanism. But as the months have passed, it is starting to hit me and I'm having more difficult times My advice is just be kind and gentle to yourself and let yourself grieve the way you need to. As long as you are not deliberately avoiding your emotions when you do feel emotional, then you are doing what your body can handle. Take comfort that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal
  10. Hi @fletch14 I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is such an extremely painful experience. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve. This will take patience and time, but as the days progress, you will slowly learn to move on and you will have moments of happiness. Its a rollercoaster of emotions where some days are really really low, but others are not so low. Eventually, you will be able to think of your mother and it will not be so painful. There will always be some sadness but you will also be thankful you had such a good mom and that will bring a smile to your face. Take your time. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and take each moment as it comes. But I guarantee that as time moves on, it will eventually be less painful. It just takes time.
  11. @Mbrysonn I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have any words of wisdom but I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I lost my father back in December and went back to work three weeks later. To me it felt immediate as I didn't take any time to grieve. I am now struggling at work, don't really want to work, getting very frustrated at all the demands at work and keep feeling like I'm a failure. I think about quitting daily but know it would not be a wise decision. The only advice I can offer is just take each day as it comes. It is important to take the time to grieve but it is also important to keep doing your best to meet your responsibilities as best as you can. Some days you will feel stronger than others. Its really important to pay attention to your body. Be kind to yourself but also don't allow yourself to fall too deep into depression and grief. Its a very delicate dance. If you feel you are going too deep into depression, then seek help from a support group, church or therapist.
  12. @Athina oh my. That friend was insensitive. I've had my fair share of stupid questions from acquaintances. At first, I would try to help them out of the situation but now I just stop mid sentence and look at them dumbfounded. They usually get the hint and either apologize or change subject. I really hope I never made anyone feel like this during a bereavement. I'm getting to old for stupid comments. I too argue a lot with my surviving parent, my mom. I'm struggling hard now that my Dad is gone. He was my buffer against her craziness. I got in a big fight with her 3 weeks ago and haven't spoken to her since. I can't continue dealing with her controlling behaviour and then accusations that I'm the controlling one. She will never take any accountability for herself, and she thinks because she's the parent I have to obey her and never correct her. Even when she's wrong. There is no reasoning with her, no logic, nothing that will appease her. I feel guilty not speaking to her but that is how she controls me, through fear and guilt. And the things we fight over are the stupidest things, no normal person would blow up and attack the way she does. She makes me feel I'm mentally crazy.
  13. @The Girl Don't feel guilty over not knowing what signs to check for. Although they were checking the elasticity on my father, it wasn't a good indicator when he finally passed away. When he had the big scare 2 weeks prior, he was in distress, couldn't breath, oxygen spiking, he even started to lose feeling in one leg and one side of body was starting to swell. Those were signs they were watching for. Thankfully they were able to give him a blood transfusion and he survived the night and another 2 weeks. The following 2 weeks, they would continue to watch for these signs, but there were none. Swelling went down, elasticity was fine, colour was fine. He simply had no appetite and no bowel movements except very very black stools. There was no obvious sign indicating he would pass that night instead of any other night, although after I left my mom made a comment later that evening saying his breathing wasn't great. It didn't dawn on me. My family was taking shifts with my Dad. It made more sense for us because we all needed our sleep, so my mom and I were not with my Dad when he finally passed, only my sibling. We got the call at 2am saying he passed away. The way my sibling described it, it was uneventful and peaceful in his sleep, exactly how my Dad always wanted it. I know if all of us were there, he wouldn't have gone so peacefully. I'm sorry you had to dream that dream. I've been in that situation with dreading the nights and mornings when I went through a difficult time before. It's pure torture. For some reason, I'm not having that with the passing of my father (except last night). I barely dream of him. It's been 3 months since his passing, and I've only had 2 dreams. I really really feared I would be plagued by horrible dreams. Now, I am dreading the approaching spring. It's starting to get warmer and lighter here and everyone around me is saying they are looking forward to spring and I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything is just reminding me of my father. Valentines day reminded me of how my Dad would get me a box of chocolates as a child. Now, Easter is approaching and I think about how he would buy himself sooo many chocolate easter bunnies and eat them all. Last spring/summer, I had a really good time with my father and I feel the approaching spring is just a reminder of that happiness and I dread it. I'm reminded of something a nurse said in an elevator to her coworker at the palliative care hospital. She couldn't wait until 2016 was over and it was the New Year because 2016 was such a bad year. This was two days before my father passed. I remember thinking what an awful insensitive thing to say. In reality, she didn't mean anything by those words, and normally it wouldn't be such an insensitive thing to say. But I was haunted by those words when Christmas and the New Years came after my father's death. I'm just dreading time moving forward. I want to stay in December because it's the closest to my father. I wish I had asked him how he handled his parents death. How did he move on? Tho, maybe he did because he had kids. I don't have kids so I don't know if that makes things harder or easier.
  14. @The Girl you asked earlier about pinching. The Doctors and nurses did that to my Dad when he almost died 2 weeks earlier. At least for him, they were checking the elasticity of the skin as that was a sign of dying. They would also but pressure on his finger nail to see if it changed color on release. They would do this periodically after the big scare too. I just had the weirdest dream. Multiple people were playing different roles in my life. My partner was my real partner then split second was a close male friend then back to my partner. Then I was walking in park and came across body. At first I thought it was dead, as it was extremely swollen. It was a stranger to me. As I was looking at it, the mouth moved. I screamed for someone to call 911, and the eyes open. Then the body felt like it was my partner so I started crying and begging for him not to die. Then it felt like my Dad and I told him I loved him and kept begging for him not to go. I said little expression that my Dad always said when he said he loved me. Then I woke up and tears flooded my eyes. It took me a few seconds to figure out reality and it was just a dream This is the 2nd dream I've had of my father since his death. The first one was less visual or grotesque. I dreamed the whole family was at a celebration for my Dad. The room was filled with people who knew my Dad and was happy for his new transition to somewhere tho my family was bittersweet as we knew he was going away. I rushed to get the family to take one last family picture together. When someone took the picture, I woke up. I don't know if I believe in visitations through dreams, but my first dream would be picture perfect for such a thing. It felt like a celebration of his life and everyone was happy he was moving on to the next phase. It also felt like the people in the room were all the family and friends of my Dad who have passed on. I was taking some comfort in this dream as I haven't had any dreams of my Dad unlike my family. Now, I don't know what to think of my current dream. I guess just my subconscious trying to catch up to reality of his death. It was very grotesque tho and not a pleasant dream
  15. Deidre, I'm so sorry for your loss. My father got sick very close to your mom. He got sick on Nov 11 and passed away on Dec 10. The month went by so fast its unbelievable. I miss him so much. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work and I have no passion at work. Every thing seems meaningless. I went for a hike this past weekend and all I could think of was my Dad. He would tell me all the time to go out in nature. Just go for a walk or go camping. I came across some squirrels, woodpeckers and chickadees who ate out of my hand. My dad loved birds and squirrels and would feed them daily. It all reminded me of my father. I felt such peace and calm in the moment but now I'm struggling at work. I feel so useless and unappreciated. Just no joy at work