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  1. @Glopieo I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. And I'm really sorry you have to endure the actions of your grieving mother. It is clear she is in great pain and does not know how to cope with the loss, but it is incredibly unfair what she is doing to you. You don't provide much details on the cause of death but you cannot be held responsible for what happened. Based on your post here, I can tell you are a very kind and caring person, and I know you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Unfortunately, bad things happen all the time, and I do believe things happen for a reason. Sadly, it was simply your dad's time to go. Based on your mom's methods of coping, is it possible for the two of you to seek counselling? Although I don't expect her to be perfectly happy after a year, I don't think drinking and unfairly blaming you for actions that may or may not have made a difference is healthy for her and it's very destructive to you. She might not even be aware of what she is doing. Is it possible to speak to her about it? Can you tell her how it makes you feel? At least for yourself, try to seek counselling. You need to be able to grieve for your dad in a safe place and right now you have been taking care of your mother and haven't had the chance to focus and heal yourself. You need to spend some time on yourself Please keep posting. It often helps
  2. I think this might be part of the explanation to the way you are feeling Like you, I haven't cried much for my father since his passing. The first month after his passing, I questioned if something was wrong with me. For me, I'm partly in denial, partly busy with work, and partly at peace as I was able to spend a lot of time with my father last summer and even when he was sick in November. I am so thankful for the time we had and I am thankful I had the forethought to tell him I loved him so much and what a wonderful father he was. My dads health was slowly deteriorating the last few years, so I grieved deeply many many many times before his passing and I think that explains a little about how I have grieved after his passing. I also know immediately after his death I was in shock and my emotions closed off, probably as a defense mechanism. But as the months have passed, it is starting to hit me and I'm having more difficult times My advice is just be kind and gentle to yourself and let yourself grieve the way you need to. As long as you are not deliberately avoiding your emotions when you do feel emotional, then you are doing what your body can handle. Take comfort that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal
  3. Hi @fletch14 I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is such an extremely painful experience. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve. This will take patience and time, but as the days progress, you will slowly learn to move on and you will have moments of happiness. Its a rollercoaster of emotions where some days are really really low, but others are not so low. Eventually, you will be able to think of your mother and it will not be so painful. There will always be some sadness but you will also be thankful you had such a good mom and that will bring a smile to your face. Take your time. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and take each moment as it comes. But I guarantee that as time moves on, it will eventually be less painful. It just takes time.
  4. @Mbrysonn I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have any words of wisdom but I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I lost my father back in December and went back to work three weeks later. To me it felt immediate as I didn't take any time to grieve. I am now struggling at work, don't really want to work, getting very frustrated at all the demands at work and keep feeling like I'm a failure. I think about quitting daily but know it would not be a wise decision. The only advice I can offer is just take each day as it comes. It is important to take the time to grieve but it is also important to keep doing your best to meet your responsibilities as best as you can. Some days you will feel stronger than others. Its really important to pay attention to your body. Be kind to yourself but also don't allow yourself to fall too deep into depression and grief. Its a very delicate dance. If you feel you are going too deep into depression, then seek help from a support group, church or therapist.
  5. @Athina oh my. That friend was insensitive. I've had my fair share of stupid questions from acquaintances. At first, I would try to help them out of the situation but now I just stop mid sentence and look at them dumbfounded. They usually get the hint and either apologize or change subject. I really hope I never made anyone feel like this during a bereavement. I'm getting to old for stupid comments. I too argue a lot with my surviving parent, my mom. I'm struggling hard now that my Dad is gone. He was my buffer against her craziness. I got in a big fight with her 3 weeks ago and haven't spoken to her since. I can't continue dealing with her controlling behaviour and then accusations that I'm the controlling one. She will never take any accountability for herself, and she thinks because she's the parent I have to obey her and never correct her. Even when she's wrong. There is no reasoning with her, no logic, nothing that will appease her. I feel guilty not speaking to her but that is how she controls me, through fear and guilt. And the things we fight over are the stupidest things, no normal person would blow up and attack the way she does. She makes me feel I'm mentally crazy.
  6. @The Girl Don't feel guilty over not knowing what signs to check for. Although they were checking the elasticity on my father, it wasn't a good indicator when he finally passed away. When he had the big scare 2 weeks prior, he was in distress, couldn't breath, oxygen spiking, he even started to lose feeling in one leg and one side of body was starting to swell. Those were signs they were watching for. Thankfully they were able to give him a blood transfusion and he survived the night and another 2 weeks. The following 2 weeks, they would continue to watch for these signs, but there were none. Swelling went down, elasticity was fine, colour was fine. He simply had no appetite and no bowel movements except very very black stools. There was no obvious sign indicating he would pass that night instead of any other night, although after I left my mom made a comment later that evening saying his breathing wasn't great. It didn't dawn on me. My family was taking shifts with my Dad. It made more sense for us because we all needed our sleep, so my mom and I were not with my Dad when he finally passed, only my sibling. We got the call at 2am saying he passed away. The way my sibling described it, it was uneventful and peaceful in his sleep, exactly how my Dad always wanted it. I know if all of us were there, he wouldn't have gone so peacefully. I'm sorry you had to dream that dream. I've been in that situation with dreading the nights and mornings when I went through a difficult time before. It's pure torture. For some reason, I'm not having that with the passing of my father (except last night). I barely dream of him. It's been 3 months since his passing, and I've only had 2 dreams. I really really feared I would be plagued by horrible dreams. Now, I am dreading the approaching spring. It's starting to get warmer and lighter here and everyone around me is saying they are looking forward to spring and I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything is just reminding me of my father. Valentines day reminded me of how my Dad would get me a box of chocolates as a child. Now, Easter is approaching and I think about how he would buy himself sooo many chocolate easter bunnies and eat them all. Last spring/summer, I had a really good time with my father and I feel the approaching spring is just a reminder of that happiness and I dread it. I'm reminded of something a nurse said in an elevator to her coworker at the palliative care hospital. She couldn't wait until 2016 was over and it was the New Year because 2016 was such a bad year. This was two days before my father passed. I remember thinking what an awful insensitive thing to say. In reality, she didn't mean anything by those words, and normally it wouldn't be such an insensitive thing to say. But I was haunted by those words when Christmas and the New Years came after my father's death. I'm just dreading time moving forward. I want to stay in December because it's the closest to my father. I wish I had asked him how he handled his parents death. How did he move on? Tho, maybe he did because he had kids. I don't have kids so I don't know if that makes things harder or easier.
  7. @The Girl you asked earlier about pinching. The Doctors and nurses did that to my Dad when he almost died 2 weeks earlier. At least for him, they were checking the elasticity of the skin as that was a sign of dying. They would also but pressure on his finger nail to see if it changed color on release. They would do this periodically after the big scare too. I just had the weirdest dream. Multiple people were playing different roles in my life. My partner was my real partner then split second was a close male friend then back to my partner. Then I was walking in park and came across body. At first I thought it was dead, as it was extremely swollen. It was a stranger to me. As I was looking at it, the mouth moved. I screamed for someone to call 911, and the eyes open. Then the body felt like it was my partner so I started crying and begging for him not to die. Then it felt like my Dad and I told him I loved him and kept begging for him not to go. I said little expression that my Dad always said when he said he loved me. Then I woke up and tears flooded my eyes. It took me a few seconds to figure out reality and it was just a dream This is the 2nd dream I've had of my father since his death. The first one was less visual or grotesque. I dreamed the whole family was at a celebration for my Dad. The room was filled with people who knew my Dad and was happy for his new transition to somewhere tho my family was bittersweet as we knew he was going away. I rushed to get the family to take one last family picture together. When someone took the picture, I woke up. I don't know if I believe in visitations through dreams, but my first dream would be picture perfect for such a thing. It felt like a celebration of his life and everyone was happy he was moving on to the next phase. It also felt like the people in the room were all the family and friends of my Dad who have passed on. I was taking some comfort in this dream as I haven't had any dreams of my Dad unlike my family. Now, I don't know what to think of my current dream. I guess just my subconscious trying to catch up to reality of his death. It was very grotesque tho and not a pleasant dream
  8. Deidre, I'm so sorry for your loss. My father got sick very close to your mom. He got sick on Nov 11 and passed away on Dec 10. The month went by so fast its unbelievable. I miss him so much. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work and I have no passion at work. Every thing seems meaningless. I went for a hike this past weekend and all I could think of was my Dad. He would tell me all the time to go out in nature. Just go for a walk or go camping. I came across some squirrels, woodpeckers and chickadees who ate out of my hand. My dad loved birds and squirrels and would feed them daily. It all reminded me of my father. I felt such peace and calm in the moment but now I'm struggling at work. I feel so useless and unappreciated. Just no joy at work
  9. Hi Junebug I am sorry for your loss. University is already a stressful stage in life and it must be compounded by your loss. It sounds like you are trying to do everything you are supposed to so all you can do is your best. Talking with my own friends who have lost their parents, some have found the 2nd year to be even harder than the first. The first year they were kept busy by all the logistics and preparing themselves for all the firsts without their parent, but the 2nd year is when it hit them even harder that indeed their parent are not coming back I don't have any words of wisdom except we must continue living so we honor their loving memory. They would want us to. As for making mistakes and doing dumb things, I think this is normal. As long as it's nothing too serious, then be kind and understanding to yourself and try and learn from them and move on. If it puts you in any risk, then definitely reach out for support. Try and think what your father would advise you and honor his wishes as much as you can. But remember, we are only human and we all make mistakes. It's what we do after we make those mistakes that define our character. Learn from them and make something positive from those mistakes
  10. @MissionBlue The hospice at home sounds like a nice idea but it's not 24 hour support and if anything went wrong it would easily take 30 minutes or more for the person to arrive. Where as in the hospital, even though we tried to use the nursing staff as less as possible, at least they were down the hall when we absolutely needed them. It made a huge difference. I think my Dad would have enjoyed seeing that dog. Tho he typically liked big dogs, he loved all animals and would have laughed at what you saw. I probably would have been frustrated in your situation too. I wasn't there when my dad passed away. My brother and I were taking shifts. My brother took the night shifts. I think he took it because he suspected that would mostly likely be the time he would go and it was the quietest time in the hospital and I would not be able to handle it. My brother was watching tv and periodically looked over on my Dad sleeping. He didn't notice the exact moment either. My dad just stopped breathing. My partner just happened to drive up that day to visit me and my Dad during the day. (He did that twice during this ordeal, the night he almost died and this day). This day was a surprise visit and they got to talk. My dad insisted I take my partner out for dinner so I left early that day. My Dad was doing well and getting stronger. It's strange that he went that night of all nights. It's like he knew I needed my partner to handle his death. He went in the middle of the night. We went to the hospital and seeing him there in bed, I did not recognize him. He just looked like a stranger and his belly looked like it was breathing. I read online some ppl experience seeing that. Their brain is so use to seeing the belly move for breathing that it tricks you. It was the strangest feeling. I don't know where my Dad went but that wasn't him. Both my mom and brother spoke to him and touched him for the very last time and I couldn't bring myself to do either. I didn't know who that stranger was. I do talk to my dad in my head now but I couldn't then
  11. @JackieF3 The family was super worried my dad would get CO2 poisoning too. Before November, he was at level 4-8 depending on if he was just sitting or needing to walk somewhere. In November he had blood in his urine and went to the hospital. When he was in the hospital, he stopped having an appetite, was diagnosed with cancer, and was at level 15 in the hospital. Any time he had to go for xrays, they would use a portable oxygen tank, but not pay attention to it. They were not use to someone needing so much oxygen. There was two times the tank ran out of oxygen. It was a horrible feeling for my dad. So then he got released from the hospital and was sent home. We, too, took him home with hospice and a bed and set the main floor up as his main spot. And like your Mom, my Dad had the best attitude. I don't know how he could be in such pain and such struggle and yet remain so positive. He still thought he would overcome this and he fought hard to do so. The hospice staff was really nice and caring but certainly not equipped to handle my dad's state. He was home for a week, still with no appetite, bed ridden, had a very hard time taking his medication, and would wake up in the middle of the night with this horrible phlegm that was suffocating him, so he would choke and turn red until he could get it out. It was unbelievably scary to witness. It was a horrible week and no one in the home could get any proper rest. Then at the end of that week, his oxygen levels started spiking all over the place, he was in pain, and the hospice staff member (I don't even know if she was a nurse or what) had absolutely no clue what to do, so she called 911 and they told us to bring my father in to the hospital or he will die right then and there. So 911 dispatched ambulance and we had to rush him back to the hospital where he almost died. He wasn't expected to live the night by his doctors. But he did, and two days later, the hospital wanted to release him again, but this time we refused until we could get him into a palliative care hospital. We had to fight hard to keep him there until a spot opened up at the palliative care. At least in the hospital, my father had proper care, he had constant medication, the nurses this time were absolutely fantastic and worked with him to find various ways that can make him comfortable, including a little vacuum that can suck the phlegm away. My dad was able to properly sleep and the family took shifts and stayed with him in the hospital, so everyone else got proper sleep. My dad had two wishes in life, to die at home and to die pain free. Although he wanted to come home again, and I feel guilty for not taking him home, what I witnessed at home would absolutely not be a pain free death. So the family talked to him, told him his two choices and he realized what we feared, if we bring him home it would not be good. He knew it was too hard on us to take care of him. We had two more weeks in the hospital and although he still never thought he was going to die, we spent a lot of time together and it was much more peaceful and stress free for him and us. After the two weeks, a bed opened up in the palliative care hospital and he was transferred. Two days later he passed peacefully in his sleep. Although I am grateful I was able to spend last summer with my dad, and I'm thankful we had a bit of a warning, I'm also sad that it wasn't the full year, and November went so quick. I also feel guilty I couldn't take him home and I wasn't able to get him to see any animals before he left. He loved animals of all kinds and hospice kept promising to bring in a dog but never did. He was in and out of the hospital for 6 weeks and the whole family stayed with him every day. I took time off work to spend with him, but I still wish I had more time with him. But in the bigger picture, maybe it was his time to go. Any longer would have been more pain for him.
  12. Eliz, I don't know if this helps but about 5 years ago my Dad had a heart attack. He would be 67. Up to then, although he smoked, he was seemingly in good health. He could go places, do things, lived a normal life. He survived the heart attack, and he finally quit smoking cold turkey that day forward and was successful. However, the years of smoking would catch up to him over the next 5 years. That day he was diagnosed with an aneurysm, emphysema, and over the next year his lungs were messed up and he would need oxygen, and slowly need more and more. Just getting up from the sofa to the kitchen was an extreme work out for him and he needed my mothers help more and more for basic things. Going outside was a real effort and he stopped going out except for church. He needed more and more specialists to help monitor his health. My dad was a very practical guy and would often ask his doctors how much time does he have left. Last spring, one finally said and guessed probably a year. So he got himself a scooter and they came to visit me for a month. He visited all the things he wanted during this time as he used to live where I am now. It was a blessing but I also got to experience first hand how much caregiving he required. We had to monitor his oxygen tank very closely because it was his life line and we had to figure out how far of a day trip would be and calculate if he had enough oxygen the trip. At times, it was really scary as mistakes were made or traffic was hell or whatever. I guess my point in sharing is you feel like 65 is too young and yet your mother would not want to be a burden on the family due to old age. Maybe, just maybe, this was when she was supposed to go then? My Dad's health changed soooo quickly almost over night. And you could blame it on him smoking but there are others who smoke and still live longer lives, so maybe it's all meant to be. I hope this is comforting as it is intended.
  13. Reader, I too am struggling with the thought of life without my Dad. Although we lived 3hours away, and rarely saw each other, he was always my rock. I could go to him with no fear of judgement or anything being held over me. Life without him does indeed feel empty.
  14. Thank you MB. I agree in a lot what you said and try not to take anything too personal. I have always felt welcomed here and I know most of my feelings are because of my grief and nothing else. Its bad enough that I am grieving my Dad but I still have work and family obligations. I'm doing OK personally but I'm struggling with other peoples bs atm which distracts from my own grief. My mother and now a new team member are extremely sensitive, emotional and irrational people and I need to figure out how to deal with their irrational needs and no matter what I do, I'm accused of doing something nefarious. I simply cannot win. I have talked with others to see if it's me or them and it is indeed them as it's a repeating pattern. I really do not know how to deal with irrational people and I'm at the brink of walking away from both. I so wish my Dad was here because he would manage my mother and I would ask him for guidance with work. He is the one and only person who gave me unconditional love. It is so hard to be without that right now
  15. I am a bit confused on how the chats are off topic. Reading the initial purpose for this thread is for people to talk daily. Surely, we are not all meant to talk daily about only our grief as that is no way to heal from our grief. From my experience on other forums, a thread like this is a good idea as this allows all general discussions to be placed in one location and stops other threads from being hijacked. If someone wants dedicated support, they are welcomed and encouraged to create a new thread. Having said all that, I am not very much of a talker and a lot has been said between my few posts. Some people were nice to reply to my post and I've yet to reply. Partly because the topic has moved to another, and partly because I am still new and not sure how to respond, but I have also been feeling guilty for not replying. I guess for a newbie who is quite, it can be a bit intimidating to post a new thread purely for me, and this thread gets the majority of activity which feels a little less threatening. At the same time this thread can also be intimidating and intense with such long discussions. Some of which might be too much for me to handle at the moment due to my own moment in grief. For me personally, when some of the posts are a little too much for me, I just skip over or read later. I'm not sure if there is an introduce yourself thread where those who feel intimidated posting, can post there first and be greeted and encouraged to post their own thread? I'm not sure if anything I said makes sense. Been having a rough week, where everything I say has inadvertently offended someone