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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Dgiirl

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  1. I just lost my uncle a few hours ago. I was his last remaining relative and so it was my job to be there for him in the end of his life. He was my last connection to my father who passed away last December. My Dad's passing was hard but it was peaceful. The whole family had 5 weeks notice before he passed away. In reality, we had 4 years to prepare too. He was awake and conscious to the very end. He went to sleep and never woke up. It was peaceful and a blessing. My Dad was my world. My strength and protector. It's been a really hard year without him. I was starting to get anxious at his upcoming angel year anniversary. But I was so thankful to have been able to share that time with him and for him to go so peacefully. My uncle suffered from dementia and was living in a retirement home for the last 3 years. He stopped eating about a week ago. They were keeping an eye on him but since I live so far away, they didn't tell me until a few days later. By the time I got to him, he recognized me but couldn't speak. He just kept grabbing my hand. The next day he was barely active. He wasn't as responsive. Eyes half open. Having sleep apena. I thought that was bad. Until it got worse and worse for the last 3 days. Today was bad. I thought it was incredible cruel to not be able to do anything at all. He just slowly slowly slowly died. Each minute he had sleep apena, I hoped this was the last, until it wasn't. I am incredible shaken up by the experience. I'm afraid to rest my eyes and go to sleep. One moment, I'm in shock and feel numb. The next, I'm crying and shaking and screaming. I've never experienced death like this before. It wasn't good. All the nurses reassure me that he had no pain and he went peacefully. They've obviously have more experience with death than me. This was extremely shocking and is going to affect me deeply.
  2. Lying that my parents are still alive

    @midnight0thoughts my deepest condolences on the loss of both your parents. I know how difficult and painful losing a loved one is, and having to tell people and reliving all those emotions is very uncomfortable at times. However, I have learned too many people feel shame or awkwardness around various life situations because other people keep quiet and don't share. Because of this, there is no proper role models of healthy people experiencing bad situations and so stigma's around tough situations develop. Which becomes a vicious cycle because people don't want to share due to the stigmas. One thing I try to do in my life is break that cycle of shame and stigma for other people by being up front with my current life situation, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death in the family. One doesn't have to go into great detail or create drama around the situation when sharing, but it is perfectly acceptable and admirable to show people how resilient you are by admitting you are going through a difficult time and working through that. That shows how other people can do it too and helps them when it's their turn, because bad things can and will happen to everyone. And for that very rare person who might not quiet understand and might lack some compassion when you share, remember, that's on them, not you. At that moment, they are being a bad role model due to ignorance of the situation you are going through. Be compassionate towards them but move along and don't let them take you down. Almost everyone else will be compassionate towards you. They might not know exactly the perfect words to express, but they will understand and support you any way they can, and when it's their turn, you might see them looking up to you as a role model. This forum is a perfect example of being a good role model and breaking the stigma around life's situations. By sharing our stories here, a lot of people will read them and gain courage to continue on with their own situation. This only happens because we share our stories here.
  3. Everly, although it might be a bit difficult to find them, you might still have luck finding your deleted posts by using the following site. Choose a year, and then you'll see a history of what the site looked at that time. https://web.archive.org/web/20150501000000*/http://forums.grieving.com Hope it helps!
  4. I don't think you can put a time limit on grief. I'm almost 9 months, and I'm still grieving. One thing that I found helpful is to speak to my Dad. Although you might have some unresolved things you wanted to say to your dad when he was alive, you can still say them now. He may or may not be able to hear it, we won't know for certain until it is our own time to leave this earth, but there is no harm in believing he might and speak to him. I found this podcast on death very peaceful. http://podcast.bswa.org/mobile/e/buddhist-attitude-to-death-by-ajahn-brahmavamso/ It might bring you some peace too
  5. Please seek medical help if you are feeling suicidal. You owe it to yourself, your son, your family and even to your mother. The pain you are feeling is natural and understandable. And it does take time to work through grief. But what would your mom advise you to do? How do you think she would feel if she knew you were suicidal? I'm sure she loved you with all her heart and she would want you to continue to live life in her honour and to take care of your son. She taught you so many life lessons and raised you to continue living in her memory. You need to continue her memory by sharing who she was and what she taught you. She was a very special person for you and the world deserves to know about her. Your son still needs you and you need to show him how to honour a loved one after they are gone. Please seek counselling, and work through the grief. For your son and your mother's memory.
  6. Jenn, my condolences on the passing of your father. I know how hard it is to lose someone who was your strength. As for your husband, sounds like a man who has perfect timing. I know how that feels too, although not at the same time. Try your best to focus on you and healing from your grief and let your husband and family do what they are going to do. But with regards to your husband, be careful and protect yourself emotionally and financially. Make sure to have full documentation of shared assets and bank statements, and now might be the time to close any joint bank accounts. And if possible, talk to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. You don't need to file, but you should be prepared for what is to come. Lawyers here will give 30 minutes consultation free. Talk to three before picking one. And the best advice I got during my divorce was pick a lawyer who is going to calm the situation down, not add more gas to the fire. A lawyer who just adds more fuel will be very costly and doesn't have your best interest at heart.
  7. Advice please

    @Deanatron. My condolences for your loss of your mother. All your feelings are very natural. I'm sorry your family is not accepting of your orientation, but that doesn't mean your feelings of love for them stops. Although your feelings are very natural and understandable, try not to be too angry with your brother. Be thankful that your mother had someone with her, even though you wish it could have been you. I wish I had adequate words to help you in your grief. It will take time to work through all the emotions grief brings to us, but just know everything you are feeling is normal.
  8. I'm still struggling to believe my dad is gone. I'm in my early 40's and my dad was early 70's. We lived a few hours apart, so its been easy for me to be busy with work and forget about it, until it hits me. Like you, I feel like I should be handling it better but I feel like a little girl who lost her daddy. I'm not ready to live without him. As for the memories, have you thought about getting a journal and writing everything you can remember about your mom? I read this recommendation online so one doesn't forget. Write how she looked. What she loved to do and all her favorite things. Even write down stories you remember about her.
  9. he left me

    Tay, I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? How about a guidance counsellor or teacher at school?
  10. Broken heart

    My condolences on your loss. It's tough to lose one parent, let alone two with a few months of one another. I think it's beautiful you recorded their voices and it will bring comfort to you and your family in the coming months and years. I was very fortunate to have the forethought to email my dad how much I loved him last summer. I told him all the things I remembered as a child and how good of a father he was to me. I also have a few photos and selfies with him. Although I wish I had done more, they have given me great comfort. On father's day, I was able to read my email to him and his response. It made me cry but also made me soooo thankful I was able to tell him everything I needed to tell him.
  11. Hi Deb My condolences on your loss The pain of losing a loved one is painful but even more so when it's your parents I lost my Dad in December and it has been difficult for me to lose someone who knew me inside out and loved me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything to protect me I worry how I will manage when my mother is gone. But looking at it now, and trying to be objective about it, in reality, my dad would really want me to live my life with as much dignity and respect as he instilled in me. I know I would disrespect everything he taught me if I gave up now, even though I so want to. Our parents gave birth to us so we can continue their legacy once they are gone. Plus we can still try to make this world a better place day by day just by teaching others what our parents taught us. Although you might feel alone, I am sure there are people who care about you and still need you, whether it's family, friends, neighbors or coworkers. Even everyone on the forum cares about you and can learn from you. Please reach out to your support group, whether it's family, friends or even support groups. We are all here for you
  12. I agree to the days leading up to father's day has been very hard. It was a huge slap in the face the day after mother's day when all the decorations for father's day went up around here. I hate shopping and seeing all the gifts for Dad. It is also hard because this weekend was 6 months since my Dad's passing. It went by too fast and I'm dreading time moving forward. It feels like I'm being pulled away from my Dad as each day passes. I don't want time to move forward. I have heard the seconds can often be harder than the firsts because it sinks in our loved one is truly gone. I also get so resentful of those who don't want to celebrate father's day with their living father. I would give anything for just one more day with my Dad. One more hug. One more smile. One more "I love you with all my heart and soul" I think the best way to honor our loved ones is to do what you would have done if they were alive. My Dad loved nature and he often told me to relax and go for a walk in the woods. Now, I hear his words every time I go for a hike. It hurts but is also comforting
  13. This is so hard. I've been struggling so much lately. The mornings are so hard. I don't want to wake up and get out of bed. I force myself each day to work. I have a hard time concentrating. With the exception of a few moments during the day, there is very little joy in my work. I constantly (needlessly?) worry about my job performance. I worry they will find out I'm struggling and let me go. I try so hard to put a smile at work. And yet I still have friends asking me why I look so unhappy. They seem to forget that I'm depressed and lost my father. It feels just like yesterday and yet everyone has forgotten and moved on. I'm so tired of smiling. Tired of worrying. I take things so personally at work. Worried I've offended someone when I haven't. Worried people don't like me and are tired of being around me. I get into obsessive moments when I want to do massive self improvements. Become a better manager. Become a better presenter. Become a better coach. Now, I just found out a department in the company will be laid off. I'm not in that department but now I'm paranoid I might be next. I question whether I should start looking for a new job. Realistically, I'm probably better off riding it out. I don't have the energy to start at a new company. At least my current employer knows my situation and has been understanding. I really feel messed up. I want to get counselling or a support group but I can't figure out how. My anxiety is crazy with all the stress. I'm just so exhausted and I've been eating crap food. I'm gaining weight as a result. Just so so tired
  14. My Dad was fully conscious up until the final day. He was frustrated at the lack of desire to eat, the constant quench of thirst, and a few times he would become depressed and was scared of dying or tired of living and wanted it to end. But he saw how much pain that caused me so he kept a positive attitude as much as he could. I don't think he really realized how close he was to death. Or if he did, he didn't let us know. When he passed, it was in his sleep peacefully. No pain. He just finally stopped breathing. I'm thankful that he was conscious up until the very end. Even though he was in so much pain, at least I was able to spend as much time with him as possible and talk about so many things.
  15. @JackieF3 I would just share with your boyfriend what you just shared with us here. Men often tackle emotions differently than women, especially those who haven't gone through the same experience. They don't want to see us in pain. They want to comfort us. And very often that turns into them wanting to "fix" everything so they offer suggestions on how to distract you from your thoughts. Sometimes, this is exactly what you need. Other times, like you said, you just want to sit there and to process your emotions. Both are perfectly acceptable and both are needed at various times. I will caution you on the anger tho. You have every right to be angry. But he also has every right not to be subjected to the anger. And this is where you guys can possibly come to a compromise on how to best handle these times. Don't expect him to "see your side". But do expect him to respect your private moments where you can simply feel and process these emotions by yourself (or with counseling). I think it's perfectly fine for you to schedule some alone time during the day/week and ask him to give you that time and he can have his own alone time. And then when you are together, you can try to focus more on making quality time with him.