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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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About Dgiirl

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  1. Jenn, my condolences on the passing of your father. I know how hard it is to lose someone who was your strength. As for your husband, sounds like a man who has perfect timing. I know how that feels too, although not at the same time. Try your best to focus on you and healing from your grief and let your husband and family do what they are going to do. But with regards to your husband, be careful and protect yourself emotionally and financially. Make sure to have full documentation of shared assets and bank statements, and now might be the time to close any joint bank accounts. And if possible, talk to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. You don't need to file, but you should be prepared for what is to come. Lawyers here will give 30 minutes consultation free. Talk to three before picking one. And the best advice I got during my divorce was pick a lawyer who is going to calm the situation down, not add more gas to the fire. A lawyer who just adds more fuel will be very costly and doesn't have your best interest at heart.
  2. Advice please

    @Deanatron. My condolences for your loss of your mother. All your feelings are very natural. I'm sorry your family is not accepting of your orientation, but that doesn't mean your feelings of love for them stops. Although your feelings are very natural and understandable, try not to be too angry with your brother. Be thankful that your mother had someone with her, even though you wish it could have been you. I wish I had adequate words to help you in your grief. It will take time to work through all the emotions grief brings to us, but just know everything you are feeling is normal.
  3. I'm still struggling to believe my dad is gone. I'm in my early 40's and my dad was early 70's. We lived a few hours apart, so its been easy for me to be busy with work and forget about it, until it hits me. Like you, I feel like I should be handling it better but I feel like a little girl who lost her daddy. I'm not ready to live without him. As for the memories, have you thought about getting a journal and writing everything you can remember about your mom? I read this recommendation online so one doesn't forget. Write how she looked. What she loved to do and all her favorite things. Even write down stories you remember about her.
  4. he left me

    Tay, I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? How about a guidance counsellor or teacher at school?
  5. Broken heart

    My condolences on your loss. It's tough to lose one parent, let alone two with a few months of one another. I think it's beautiful you recorded their voices and it will bring comfort to you and your family in the coming months and years. I was very fortunate to have the forethought to email my dad how much I loved him last summer. I told him all the things I remembered as a child and how good of a father he was to me. I also have a few photos and selfies with him. Although I wish I had done more, they have given me great comfort. On father's day, I was able to read my email to him and his response. It made me cry but also made me soooo thankful I was able to tell him everything I needed to tell him.
  6. Hi Deb My condolences on your loss The pain of losing a loved one is painful but even more so when it's your parents I lost my Dad in December and it has been difficult for me to lose someone who knew me inside out and loved me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything to protect me I worry how I will manage when my mother is gone. But looking at it now, and trying to be objective about it, in reality, my dad would really want me to live my life with as much dignity and respect as he instilled in me. I know I would disrespect everything he taught me if I gave up now, even though I so want to. Our parents gave birth to us so we can continue their legacy once they are gone. Plus we can still try to make this world a better place day by day just by teaching others what our parents taught us. Although you might feel alone, I am sure there are people who care about you and still need you, whether it's family, friends, neighbors or coworkers. Even everyone on the forum cares about you and can learn from you. Please reach out to your support group, whether it's family, friends or even support groups. We are all here for you
  7. I agree to the days leading up to father's day has been very hard. It was a huge slap in the face the day after mother's day when all the decorations for father's day went up around here. I hate shopping and seeing all the gifts for Dad. It is also hard because this weekend was 6 months since my Dad's passing. It went by too fast and I'm dreading time moving forward. It feels like I'm being pulled away from my Dad as each day passes. I don't want time to move forward. I have heard the seconds can often be harder than the firsts because it sinks in our loved one is truly gone. I also get so resentful of those who don't want to celebrate father's day with their living father. I would give anything for just one more day with my Dad. One more hug. One more smile. One more "I love you with all my heart and soul" I think the best way to honor our loved ones is to do what you would have done if they were alive. My Dad loved nature and he often told me to relax and go for a walk in the woods. Now, I hear his words every time I go for a hike. It hurts but is also comforting
  8. This is so hard. I've been struggling so much lately. The mornings are so hard. I don't want to wake up and get out of bed. I force myself each day to work. I have a hard time concentrating. With the exception of a few moments during the day, there is very little joy in my work. I constantly (needlessly?) worry about my job performance. I worry they will find out I'm struggling and let me go. I try so hard to put a smile at work. And yet I still have friends asking me why I look so unhappy. They seem to forget that I'm depressed and lost my father. It feels just like yesterday and yet everyone has forgotten and moved on. I'm so tired of smiling. Tired of worrying. I take things so personally at work. Worried I've offended someone when I haven't. Worried people don't like me and are tired of being around me. I get into obsessive moments when I want to do massive self improvements. Become a better manager. Become a better presenter. Become a better coach. Now, I just found out a department in the company will be laid off. I'm not in that department but now I'm paranoid I might be next. I question whether I should start looking for a new job. Realistically, I'm probably better off riding it out. I don't have the energy to start at a new company. At least my current employer knows my situation and has been understanding. I really feel messed up. I want to get counselling or a support group but I can't figure out how. My anxiety is crazy with all the stress. I'm just so exhausted and I've been eating crap food. I'm gaining weight as a result. Just so so tired
  9. My Dad was fully conscious up until the final day. He was frustrated at the lack of desire to eat, the constant quench of thirst, and a few times he would become depressed and was scared of dying or tired of living and wanted it to end. But he saw how much pain that caused me so he kept a positive attitude as much as he could. I don't think he really realized how close he was to death. Or if he did, he didn't let us know. When he passed, it was in his sleep peacefully. No pain. He just finally stopped breathing. I'm thankful that he was conscious up until the very end. Even though he was in so much pain, at least I was able to spend as much time with him as possible and talk about so many things.
  10. @JackieF3 I would just share with your boyfriend what you just shared with us here. Men often tackle emotions differently than women, especially those who haven't gone through the same experience. They don't want to see us in pain. They want to comfort us. And very often that turns into them wanting to "fix" everything so they offer suggestions on how to distract you from your thoughts. Sometimes, this is exactly what you need. Other times, like you said, you just want to sit there and to process your emotions. Both are perfectly acceptable and both are needed at various times. I will caution you on the anger tho. You have every right to be angry. But he also has every right not to be subjected to the anger. And this is where you guys can possibly come to a compromise on how to best handle these times. Don't expect him to "see your side". But do expect him to respect your private moments where you can simply feel and process these emotions by yourself (or with counseling). I think it's perfectly fine for you to schedule some alone time during the day/week and ask him to give you that time and he can have his own alone time. And then when you are together, you can try to focus more on making quality time with him.
  11. @DDT it's one of the hardest things to do. But when things get really difficult, I just think what my Dad would want me to do and I know he would want me to continue living life and would be very sad if I didn't. So to honor him and his life, I get up and go to work every single day. And I know from suffering loss before, as each day passes, things will slowly get better. Its an up and down rollercoaster, more downs in the beginning than UP's, but it will get better
  12. @AngelaH I am so sorry for what you are going through. My Dad was admitted to the hospital in November and hospice in December. Two days later he passed away. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. We had no clue how much time we had and each day he seemed to get better and then relapse until he peacefully went in his sleep. I know it doesn't feel any comfort but you are lucky to have this time with your dad. Take advantage of it, spend as much time as you can with him. If he's conscious, talk to him, tell him everything you want to tell him, ask every thing you want to ask. If you are inclined, take photos and notes and anything you can to treasure his life. I was thankful to have discovered a few Live Photos of my Dad from his birthday in September. I didn't know I was taking Live Photos but I watch them over and over and although they make me sad, I also am so glad to have them. It is a true blessing that our family had that time together before his passing. It does bring me comfort knowing we were there with him every step of the way.
  13. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Be available when she needs you. Try to help where you can. Prepare her food, suggest walks or small activities to help get her mind off things from time to time. However, don't feel compelled to 'fix' her sorrow. She is going to feel sadness for a while and it is healthy for her to grieve. Sometimes she will even need space. The best thing for you to do is give her understanding and compassion and just follow her lead. I know this might be hard on you too. It can be hard to standby when someone you love is in pain. The things you use to do might be shadowed by her pain. But the biggest help you can do for her is to be patient. It might be helpful for you to seek a confident that will listen to you so you don't feel overwhelmed too
  14. @Orestes I am sorry for your loss and everything that you have had to endure. No matter the circumstances, losing a parent is always full of mixed and difficult emotions. As for your feelings on guilt and sadness, your reflections on death and cremation, even the questioning if you are repressing your feelings is so all very common. Although the reasons may all be different, the feelings are often the same. As long as you do not actively repress your feelings when you do feel emotional, then everything you are feeling is normal. It only becomes unhealthy when we deliberately repress our feelings. As long as you don't do that, everything else will sort itself out.
  15. Almost two years on

    @GlopieoThank you for sharing your story. I hope you did not feel pressured to share it. That was far from my intention. But quite honestly, from everything that you said, I think it was impossible for you to have predicted such a grave outcome and I'm 100% positive if you had any inclination that your father was in danger, you would do absolutely everything in your power to get him help. You have to believe this is not your fault and even *if* you had called emergencies, there is no guarantee it would have made a difference. The sad truth is hospitals cannot guarantee they can save your life. It sounds like your father's symptoms escalated pretty quickly. The human body is a unique complex machine and very often, it's hard to know if something is serious or not because the symptoms are often the same for a variety of illnesses. As for your mother, it's clear she's in very deep pain and she's still in many stages of grief. Understandably, she's desperately trying to make sense of such a great and unexpected sudden loss, and she's going to grasp to "if only"s. If only she had done this. If only you had done that. It's her way to process the grief. However, you have to realize that there was nothing you could have done. And although I know you love your mother deeply, it's also not fair for her to question your actions. I say this, not to demonize your mother, but to help you break free from the dysfunction. Once you can realize what she is doing is not fair, then you can acknowledge that your mother is only human, she is hurting, and she makes mistakes (like we all do). Her questioning your actions is NOT about you but all about her processing her grief. From what you've shared, you are an extremely good and caring person. You care deeply for your mother and your siblings, and you have a lot of compassion. You have a lot on your plate, but from the sounds of it, you are resilient and this builds strong character. You should be proud of yourself and the way you have stepped up to the plate to not only continue on with your education, but also be there for your family. Continue doing what you are doing, stay strong but also take care of yourself. I'm positive your father is very proud of you right now. Keep posting and sharing. It often helps!