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About Athina

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  1. Hello everyone, @The Girl, your words touched me. Almost 7 months in, denial is also still a very dominant feeling for me. I've been crying non-stop these past days, I just miss my mom. I remember our last talks when we planned on going sonewhere at this time. Seemed we had all the time in the world. Why I still catch myself thinking this is temporary and soon we'll catch up. I am also crying because ... My son went to some sports tournament abroad and while on the plane back the girl from his team found out her mother died. I cry for me and for this motherless 13 year old poor girl. While I never know her exact pain, I can only imagine what it feels like. And what a hard journey is lying ahead of her. I took it very emotionally. Growing up without a mother is an unimaginable pain. I also am angry that because of this loss I lost so much time. I had so many plans concerning career, life. Instead of that struggling with lack of energy and exhaustion. I know this is unreasonable.
  2. dear @ajt101350, condolences. I also struggle hard with a fact that I had to lose my mother in her early sixties. I am still angry at everything and sometimes even have this feeling that this is all just a fake cruel joke. Otherwise, days go by and you just carry on, barely functioning. But this pain always sits in my stomach. Nobody around you even remembers what you are going through - it is a closed issue for them right after the funeral. And you find it overwhelming because there are days that you can barely believe that it's all gone. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I started taking yoga lessons but it does not guarantee a better sleep. Recently I have read a brilliant book "When breath becomes air". I knew I would be crying. But it is an amazing book. hope you are all doing ok as can be in our situations. Hugs
  3. Happy Easter everyone. My father is visiting us and we both tried to prepare meals for Easter and we both fell short of knowledge. We could not figure out how my mom used to make some special salad. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid to never ask her??? @ELiz, that sounds more than strange what has happened to you at work. Seriously. When you have a chance, tell us more. Hugs everyone. @reader, how are you doing?
  4. Dear Lamby, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was an amazing woman and you are a good daughter. I do not have any suggestion for you because even though my mom left me almost 6 months ago, the hurt is still very fresh (but I wouldn't expect not to, my mom was also my everything). Yes, we have a whole life ahead of us and we will keep on moving forward, finding our ways through pain and grief. It will not be the same without our moms and it sucks. You're such an angel to do your mom's make up and hair. I don't know what happened to me - I was in such a shock I couldn't bring myself see my mom's corps. I ordered direct cremation and now I wonder if I did the right thing. Wonder if my mom would be angry with me.. There are many bad days that I don't want to live. Hopefully, we don't have to live forever. I find this very comforting. I am not religious at all, therefore, I do not have a vision reuniting with my mom. But I know that life can be short. And I want to find a bit of joy and share my love with my kids before it's over.
  5. @ELiz, I am also dreading Mother's day. I don't know why it is not any easier for me. Now usually I have very real dreams where I am doing something normal with my mom and every morning I have to wake up to this horrible reality. I cannot do this. I really do hope it will get easier at some point. But now, I just look at my baby girl and my heart breaks. I am so fucking angry that my mom misses it all.
  6. @Katieansara, my condolences on the loss of your dearest mother. The Girl is right, we can only take it moment by moment, day by day. In the end of April it will be 6 months that I have not heard my mom's voice, talked to her, hugged her. Surprisingly, life on the outside goes on, and I find myself right there where I was a month after her death. People find it as a surprise that I am still sad and grieving. Even though I try to hide it. In my mind I keep replaying the last episodes of her life. My mom also died while "vacationing" at my place - I live very far away from my real home, in another country. She came to visit me and I had to return her in the box of ashes. Just thinking of it breaks my heart. I imagine how she was waiting to come to me and nobody envisioned this terrible outcome. You must have also been devastated to lose a mother under such circumstances - far away from home complicates the situation. Myself, I think I'll never come to terms to accept her death. And thankfully, we don't have to live forever. If you find the need, visit this forum, talk to us. I've been visiting it regularly. Knowing that I am not alone in this somehow comforts me. Take care.
  7. @silverkitties, thank you for your insights. How I would like my mom be there and share her wisdom with her grandchildren. I'll try to take this opportunity even though my older children do not like to talk about it. How I hate that thought that my mom will only be some random woman for them. I finally received Motherless daughters. I hope I'll find some comfort reading it.
  8. @missingwillow, everything you say sounds so familiar. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, too, yet I don't want to depend on medication. So I try to take a short walk before nightime and I also plan on taking evening yoga classes. This is incredible how we still function without our moms. I have very different days - one day she seems like a mirage, like she never existed, and I seem to accept she's not her. Then, the other day I can see her silouette and hear her voice so very clearly that it is impossible to believe she's dead. We have no other choice than to bear with it. I often feel so sorry for myself that I have to go and enjoy life in my 30s without my mom. I mean 30s are supposed to be fun. And now... Take care.
  9. @silverkitties, I was already worried about you. Seems you've been through a bit of stuff lately. I hope you are recovering, regarding the circumstances. I also divide my life into one with mom and one after her death. But I cannot think of good moments yet, e. g. last year, even if we had so much fun then together. Because when I think of it, I always get a feeling that death was very near, but I was totally off guard. And all the memories are not nice... with a hollow shadow of death. I hate FB so much as it reminds you of your last year's memories. I had our last Easter mountain hike popped out. Seriously, how one is supposed to handle such things. I also noticed I have this stupid habit thinking what mom has missed. Like very usual things - what clothes I have bought after her death, what changes I have made in my house. I am really composed at work but I break down the very first minute I am out of office.
  10. @MissinMomma, I feel for you. Grief is a very isolating experience. When everybody else got back to their lives, you are left with your new reality. I have said it a thousand times - but 5 months on every day to me seems harder, and I miss my mom more and more. Every morning I wake up just to find out that it is not some cruel joke, she is still a first thing I think of in the morning and when I lay myself to sleep. What I find most excruciating is that death is so normal and natural in the sense that it happens to everybody and many people are touched by it. Yet, it is such a taboo that you have to hide your grief and pretend like you are back to normal.
  11. Hi, I've been reading everything that you've shared. Somehow it is painful even to write. As if I wrote it out loud, it would mean that it really happened. This trip back home really knocked me down. I am having a very hard time at work. Thinking again how unfair everything is. I just want to quit - quit everything and go hide somewhere. @ELiz, if I were those people, I would definately go to you, because I would know that you felt my pain.
  12. Dear Augustgirl, you described so perfectly my current feelings as well. 5 months on I still find it hard to believe mom doesn't exist anymore. It often seems she is somewhere doing something and we will meet again. And when I think in depth that it's over for good, I panick. One night I woke up and couldn't remember her cell phone number. Now I have usual dreams where we do normal stuff, it is so real that I am so upset when I wake up. I will never be able to process this finality. I want her back so badly, and you are right, it is worse than first months. I often think how much she missed. It is as if my life has been divided into two parts - one with mom and after her death. And at the moment everything is so painful that I cannot think of good memories. I don't feel like looking at the happy pictures. It seems that this cloud of death was hanging above us but we did not notice it. I feel it is wrong not to think in depth of mom's death. But I want so much to distract myself from it and just not think of it.
  13. @missingwillow, I am very sorry about your mother's death. Please accept my deepest condolences. Your mom was way too young to die. I hear you. Even if you are 30, you still need her much. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. I also lost my mother last fall and this week has been particularly hard for me. Maybe it's because I am visiting my dad and I just can't believe she's gone. I also really miss her and I don't want to think about the perspective of my life. I don't want to go on without her. We have to hang in there, even if it's painful. Take care.
  14. @MayFGL, sad anniversary. I give you hugs. @reader, I am also hurting really bad. I even think it's the worst I have experienced. I mean I'm not hysterical or anything, but the pain is immense. Everything reminds me of my mom and I just want her back. And I hate so much that she misses all these beautiful things around which are not so beautiful without her. I am so tired and exhausted and I want my mom to tell me to get rest and don't worry about things. As if I hear her voice how she tells me to get to bed. I guess I hit the point where I cannot help her without her anymore, I need her advice about practical things. I would like not to think about not seeing her in this life, but I can't. And when I think, I am devastated.
  15. @The Girl, thanks. I didn't google it, because when I start googling, I can't stop. I am hipochondryc. Yes, as she told me, she was recapping the needle. I hope she will be fine. I remember after my mom's stroke, I was constantly googling, probably looking for some kind of hope and miracle. Actually I bought a quite interesting book about the brain. As I said, I feel the need to learn more about the brain, most probably just to calm myself down that my mom had no chances to wake up from coma.