Athina

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  1. @thesadgirl, you are right, this is too much to handle. To lose my mom at 35 I feel completely robbed, but to lose a parent at 16 is way too early. No one is supposed to go through this at this age. I am really sorry about your dad. The way you found it out is horrible, it is more than normal to be in shock. I hear you when you say you wish you cared more. These thoughts haunt us. All the what ifs and etc. My mom was very healthy but I still blame myself for not caring more. I invent situations in my head that I could prevent all this, taking her to the doctor and ordering an MRI. But at that time how could I have known? Our mind tries to follow logic, but what to do with a broken heart? Such events are really life changing and isolating. Hopefully, we will get through them stronger. I already feel like many more years older and wiser. I pity my friends who treat their parents like they will live forever. But the truth is you don't get it until you are in that boat. Last two nights were extremely hard. I couldn't sleep at all and I kept thinking what my mom is missing out.
  2. This summer is very weird for me. Far too weird. We did some traveling to South East Asia (which I absolutely adored), but I do not feel complete. I read books that make me cry. I guess it's a new normal now. How I wish to come to my parents' house and just crash there. Be the child. I feel so robbed. I have one more year left here, then we have to move. I was considering some weird options, I mean weird countries. I am not sure if I'm not on the edge of doing something crazy. I always liked traveling and trying out new things, my mom was the one who encouraged me (my sister, on the other hand, is a very settled person, a total opposite to our nomadic style of life). I feel like I have to continue this in respect for my mom. But at the same time it is strange how demotivated I am. Most of the time I'm surprised that I'm still alive. Because it feels that this heartbreak is unbearable.
  3. @ELiz, good to hear from you. And it's good to hear that you are healing. All of my three kids will also be having birthdays in July. Will be sad. My only comfort is that my little one seems to remember her sweet grandma. We ocassionally talk about her and look at the pictures. Myself, I guess my grief pace is the slowest, I part of hope that I come back home and mom will be here. I keep having dreams where we do normal stuff together with no glimpse she's dead. She's always on my mind. Of course, not like the first month after death, but she sits there, quietly, no matter what I do. A major step backwards for me was that I had to go to the dentist. First time for me as my mom was my dentist entire life. That triggered, again, many memories. Big time. I think I would look for some grief book regarding sudden loss of a loved one. I didn't related much to the Motherless daughters. @MayFGL, I am not focused on the death date as well. Your post made me think about mom's passing date. And it's blurred. Anyway, I do not care about her death date. Am I the only one who has not gone to cemetry any single time since the funeral? But my mom is only the ashes now and I do not associate that place with her. How many of you have cremated your loved ones? Somehow it also is hard to believe that your loved one is nothing but ashes. I don't know why I am still in denial. The other day I had to look up her death certificate to convince myself I did not made up her. Why do I feel like I imagine my mom and that she never really existed?
  4. @The Girl, I love your posts. I miss my mom every minute. But as I've said - it's a strange feeling. It seems like we talked just yesterday, and simultaneosly she is such a distant memory, almost like a mirrage in a dessert. And yes, everyone else is oblivious of my grief. I am happy now that I have terminated friendships with some people.
  5. @Lisa k, thank you for letting us know you are doing alright. You are such a brave and nice person, I keep you in my prayers. @reader, how are you today? I feel ****. I keep having dreams where I am with my mom and I know she's dead and I don't want to wake up because then I won't see her again. Nothing seems real. We have just come back from a 3-week vacation from Southeast Asia, it was an exciting travel. But there is always this surreal feeling inside me, this surreal quality to life. Am I still in denial? Because there are many moments when I wanna call my mom and catch up with her. And it seems like yesterday. But at the same time she's kinda becoming a very distant memory, like a mirage, and I even feel it was never real. I hate my life and I hate that she had to leave us so soon. And I'm so incredibly jealous of all my friends who still have mothers. And all of them still do. I cannot wrap my head around that fact that I'll never see her again.
  6. @reader, hard to believe so much time (and not so much on the other hand) has gone. It seems I have just heard my mom's voice and she was all here. Somehow deep inside it still feels we will meet and catch up to what she has missed. I usually have random thoughts about her, these thoughts have become part of my daily routine. But I have started to avoid thinking about what happened in depth because it is still seems like another lifetime. We are traveling in Southeast Asia right now and god my mother is missing life. I am the saddest person in the world. sending you all good thoughts and prayers.
  7. @Lisa k, you are a beautiful woman, very nice pictures. And I hope you'll get through this. I already told you but this book "When breath becomes air" really touched me, I think about it every once in a while since I've finished it. It is so beautifully written. I also started practicing yoga regularly, I take forest yoga classes, it is really revitilizing and helps clean one's mind. Nevertheless, my dearest mom is always at the back of my mind, whatever I do. And once in a while it hits me all anew. There were some practical things I could not figure out and for the nano second I was about to call her. To all new members who are at the beginning of this grief journey - you get through, day by day, but this overwhelming saddness will be our companion for the rest of our lives. How are you all doing?
  8. Hello everyone, @The Girl, your words touched me. Almost 7 months in, denial is also still a very dominant feeling for me. I've been crying non-stop these past days, I just miss my mom. I remember our last talks when we planned on going sonewhere at this time. Seemed we had all the time in the world. Why I still catch myself thinking this is temporary and soon we'll catch up. I am also crying because ... My son went to some sports tournament abroad and while on the plane back the girl from his team found out her mother died. I cry for me and for this motherless 13 year old poor girl. While I never know her exact pain, I can only imagine what it feels like. And what a hard journey is lying ahead of her. I took it very emotionally. Growing up without a mother is an unimaginable pain. I also am angry that because of this loss I lost so much time. I had so many plans concerning career, life. Instead of that struggling with lack of energy and exhaustion. I know this is unreasonable.
  9. dear @ajt101350, condolences. I also struggle hard with a fact that I had to lose my mother in her early sixties. I am still angry at everything and sometimes even have this feeling that this is all just a fake cruel joke. Otherwise, days go by and you just carry on, barely functioning. But this pain always sits in my stomach. Nobody around you even remembers what you are going through - it is a closed issue for them right after the funeral. And you find it overwhelming because there are days that you can barely believe that it's all gone. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I started taking yoga lessons but it does not guarantee a better sleep. Recently I have read a brilliant book "When breath becomes air". I knew I would be crying. But it is an amazing book. hope you are all doing ok as can be in our situations. Hugs
  10. Happy Easter everyone. My father is visiting us and we both tried to prepare meals for Easter and we both fell short of knowledge. We could not figure out how my mom used to make some special salad. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid to never ask her??? @ELiz, that sounds more than strange what has happened to you at work. Seriously. When you have a chance, tell us more. Hugs everyone. @reader, how are you doing?
  11. Dear Lamby, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was an amazing woman and you are a good daughter. I do not have any suggestion for you because even though my mom left me almost 6 months ago, the hurt is still very fresh (but I wouldn't expect not to, my mom was also my everything). Yes, we have a whole life ahead of us and we will keep on moving forward, finding our ways through pain and grief. It will not be the same without our moms and it sucks. You're such an angel to do your mom's make up and hair. I don't know what happened to me - I was in such a shock I couldn't bring myself see my mom's corps. I ordered direct cremation and now I wonder if I did the right thing. Wonder if my mom would be angry with me.. There are many bad days that I don't want to live. Hopefully, we don't have to live forever. I find this very comforting. I am not religious at all, therefore, I do not have a vision reuniting with my mom. But I know that life can be short. And I want to find a bit of joy and share my love with my kids before it's over.
  12. @ELiz, I am also dreading Mother's day. I don't know why it is not any easier for me. Now usually I have very real dreams where I am doing something normal with my mom and every morning I have to wake up to this horrible reality. I cannot do this. I really do hope it will get easier at some point. But now, I just look at my baby girl and my heart breaks. I am so fucking angry that my mom misses it all.
  13. @Katieansara, my condolences on the loss of your dearest mother. The Girl is right, we can only take it moment by moment, day by day. In the end of April it will be 6 months that I have not heard my mom's voice, talked to her, hugged her. Surprisingly, life on the outside goes on, and I find myself right there where I was a month after her death. People find it as a surprise that I am still sad and grieving. Even though I try to hide it. In my mind I keep replaying the last episodes of her life. My mom also died while "vacationing" at my place - I live very far away from my real home, in another country. She came to visit me and I had to return her in the box of ashes. Just thinking of it breaks my heart. I imagine how she was waiting to come to me and nobody envisioned this terrible outcome. You must have also been devastated to lose a mother under such circumstances - far away from home complicates the situation. Myself, I think I'll never come to terms to accept her death. And thankfully, we don't have to live forever. If you find the need, visit this forum, talk to us. I've been visiting it regularly. Knowing that I am not alone in this somehow comforts me. Take care.
  14. @silverkitties, thank you for your insights. How I would like my mom be there and share her wisdom with her grandchildren. I'll try to take this opportunity even though my older children do not like to talk about it. How I hate that thought that my mom will only be some random woman for them. I finally received Motherless daughters. I hope I'll find some comfort reading it.
  15. @missingwillow, everything you say sounds so familiar. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, too, yet I don't want to depend on medication. So I try to take a short walk before nightime and I also plan on taking evening yoga classes. This is incredible how we still function without our moms. I have very different days - one day she seems like a mirage, like she never existed, and I seem to accept she's not her. Then, the other day I can see her silouette and hear her voice so very clearly that it is impossible to believe she's dead. We have no other choice than to bear with it. I often feel so sorry for myself that I have to go and enjoy life in my 30s without my mom. I mean 30s are supposed to be fun. And now... Take care.