Athina

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  1. Dear Augustgirl, you described so perfectly my current feelings as well. 5 months on I still find it hard to believe mom doesn't exist anymore. It often seems she is somewhere doing something and we will meet again. And when I think in depth that it's over for good, I panick. One night I woke up and couldn't remember her cell phone number. Now I have usual dreams where we do normal stuff, it is so real that I am so upset when I wake up. I will never be able to process this finality. I want her back so badly, and you are right, it is worse than first months. I often think how much she missed. It is as if my life has been divided into two parts - one with mom and after her death. And at the moment everything is so painful that I cannot think of good memories. I don't feel like looking at the happy pictures. It seems that this cloud of death was hanging above us but we did not notice it. I feel it is wrong not to think in depth of mom's death. But I want so much to distract myself from it and just not think of it.
  2. @missingwillow, I am very sorry about your mother's death. Please accept my deepest condolences. Your mom was way too young to die. I hear you. Even if you are 30, you still need her much. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. I also lost my mother last fall and this week has been particularly hard for me. Maybe it's because I am visiting my dad and I just can't believe she's gone. I also really miss her and I don't want to think about the perspective of my life. I don't want to go on without her. We have to hang in there, even if it's painful. Take care.
  3. @MayFGL, sad anniversary. I give you hugs. @reader, I am also hurting really bad. I even think it's the worst I have experienced. I mean I'm not hysterical or anything, but the pain is immense. Everything reminds me of my mom and I just want her back. And I hate so much that she misses all these beautiful things around which are not so beautiful without her. I am so tired and exhausted and I want my mom to tell me to get rest and don't worry about things. As if I hear her voice how she tells me to get to bed. I guess I hit the point where I cannot help her without her anymore, I need her advice about practical things. I would like not to think about not seeing her in this life, but I can't. And when I think, I am devastated.
  4. @The Girl, thanks. I didn't google it, because when I start googling, I can't stop. I am hipochondryc. Yes, as she told me, she was recapping the needle. I hope she will be fine. I remember after my mom's stroke, I was constantly googling, probably looking for some kind of hope and miracle. Actually I bought a quite interesting book about the brain. As I said, I feel the need to learn more about the brain, most probably just to calm myself down that my mom had no chances to wake up from coma.
  5. @The Girl, I will never stop calling my parents house parent's house. I refuse to call it dad's house. But this visit is particularly painful. It's the second time I come home - 1st was when I came back with the urn for the funeral. But it is also comforting, as somebody mentioned, that everything is like my mom was just there. As she left it. To be sincere, I even try to take her smell in. I don't know how to wrap my head around the fact that this is it. By the way I made the appointment for the CT scan and MRI while here. So I want to discover if I also have an aneurysm. Actually I don't know why I am doing that. I wouldn't mind dying, but I just need to raise my kids. I know that my husband has an aneurysm as well. And finally, I got really upset today. My sister, who is a doctor, told me she had pricked her finger with a needle which she used to anesthesize drug addict. Somehow her assistant did not tell her he was infected with B and C hepatitis and HIV. Now I'm really afraid. I know this is risk that doctors take, but hepatites are very virulent. I am afraid to lose my sister. She will be under examination. And we both told each other how we miss mom and her reassurance. Because I am nobody but a panicker. I panick very easily.
  6. Reader, now I can truly imagine what it's like to live in the same house. I had a sleepless night. Everly, yeah, I can give all my life to my father now. But on the other hand, both we are very emotional and argue a lot. Fortunately, he agreed to visit us for the Easter. So my kids will be happy. I also met a couple of my childhood friends with whom I was very close. The conversations were quite awkward, one even asked, ok, but apart from the loss of your mother, what else have you been up to. And seriously, I have not been up to anything. But is it a problem?
  7. It is much much harder to be at home than I expected. We cry together with my dad for most of the time. My dad hasn't changed a thing and it seems like my mom has just been here. We both have a feeling like she will be coming back. I am sitting on the coach and I almost see my mother bringing tea to me. And then I can't believe she's gone. How will I ever be able to believe that? Eliz, you put it right. I'm also very sad for my mom that she had to leave us.
  8. Everly, the Girl, so perhaps your moms were in much better situation, because my mom went totally unresponsive - no blinking of eyes, nothing. Deep coma and no neurological or other responses. My mom was on ventilator, following tracheostomy, and feeding peg all the time - but she did not recover. They waited till all her other organs shut down. But I pictured her then only as a body because who is human without brain? I mean the heart can keep beating being taken out of the body. I think in such instances if no operation is performed, there are no chances of survival and recovery. And in mom's case they refused to perform an operation due to the aneurysm near brain stem. And since my family is in the medical profession, of course, I was so desperate I called literally everybody asking if anything could be done for my mom. If anyone agreed on operating. Sadly, that was just it for my mom. I just hope she did not feel anything when in deep coma.
  9. Actually I wrote this in the morning in the airport, but I thought my message dissapeared. But it was there. Have a good weekend ladies
  10. So I'm on my way home. When I was going through security, so many triggers arouse, leaving me thinking how I used to hug my parents goodbye. Everly, I am not from the States, I live in Europe. Originally I am from Northern Europe, but currently reside in the South. My parents came to visit me in October and mom died here, she never made it home. She was a healthy one, I would say I have way more complaints in my 30s Or at least she never even complained of any sort of a headache which is strange admitting that she had an aneurysm. But, of course, we did not know she had it. On that Sunday I had to be at work and the rest of my family, including my dad, went to the zoo. Strangely, mom stayed at home. This was unusual because normally she would want to go everywhere. I remember calling her and insisting on going. When they came back, my kids found her "sleeping", they said grandma wake up, but she did not. My husband's first thought was mom had a very bad stroke in deep structures of the brain. My husband happens to be a doctor who practiced care after strokes years ago. When the ambulance came and I came from work and mom was taken, he told me sorry but I think it is over. Of course, I did not believe that, I did not know strokes could be fatal. My mom slipped into a deep coma while in ambulance. And she never woke up. Because the stroke was also in her brain stem with massive intracerebral bleeding, docs said they could not perform an operation. And... I usually never tell that part to anyone. I have not shared it here either. But, Everly, I think I need to tell it so that you knew you probably did the right thing. Thing is I consider I lost my mom that sunday in october as that was the last day that she was conscious. Where we live now, they take it differently. Mom was intubated, put on ventilator and sedated. Doctors told because of the irreversible damage to her brain, she would never make it even to a vegetative state. But here they do not consider death of brain as a legal reason of death. People are not taken off of a ventilator, a full biological death has to happen. Doctors admitted that mom had good resources, but she would not regain consciousness. So she was put to ICU and exactly like books write - she lasted 4 weeks. all that time she was in ICU. I was going crazy. I had a lot of deliberations about life and if you are not conscious, what kind of life that is. Finally, the "legal" reason for my mom's death was sepsis and failure of multiple organs. It was painful not letting her die in dignity. That's why I hate to talk about it.
  11. Both my parents worked very hard all their lives. Still, we used to tell each other we have to slow down and enjoy life. And we did that to a certain point. Now I grieve my mom will never read those books that she bought ("when she'll have more free time"). And I am very angry at myself that I did not have any intuition or anything that everything was going to end soon.
  12. Everly, my mom had just turned 64. How one can expect a healthy woman who has never had any complaints before to die. So it really caught me off guard. I admitted only a theoretical possibility of death. But somehow I pictured her growing old. somehow I imagined myself to be at least over 40 to lose her. Opposite with my dad. He had a very bad cancer when he was in his early 50s, but he fought it and survived. Even though he has a clean bill of health now, it was always in my thoughts that cancer might return. We all thought he would go first, but not my mom.
  13. I really believe in the progress of medicine. Paradoxically, there's not much you can do about brain damage. I have read a lot about the plasticity of the brain and how brain can be trained. Brain is really interesting. Sadly, sometimes stroke is fatal. I wonder what caused my mom's rupture of aneurysm, but I'll never get to know. She never took any medicine, like never. So you imagine my shock. I'm sad that I don't get to age together with my mom and I won't see her retired and finally relaxing. I mean I'm happy my mom lived to the fullest till the last second, but I so wish she was still there with me and my kids.
  14. The Girl, I googled watershed stroke, have never heard of that. I will be going home on saturday, for a week. I'm afraid it will be very sad to not find mom in the kitchen. I really miss her cooking. I don't want to go to columbarium where we store mom's ashes. I also don't want to meet any of my friends or neighbours or anybody.
  15. The Girl, I just read your story on another thread. I am a year older than you. I always feared cancer for my mom. But now I see how devastating stroke is. I never included that in my possible scenarios of death. My mom died of the rupture of the aneurysm near brain stem which caused a massive stroke and bleed and killed her almost instantly. I mean she was totally fine in the morning and gone in the afternoon. I was so unaware of hemorragic strokes that I did not understand the seriousness of the situation in hospital. I knew only about ischemic strokes. And as I am not a native speaker and doctors used term "stroke" they had to explain to me what was that about. I went into shock immediately. So my mom had a really bad stroke. She would have never believed she died of a stroke. I so much want to tell her what happened to her.