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About Athina

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  1. I want to express my condolences to everyone newly bereaved. This journey is one of a hell. @reader, how are you doing? So it's been over a year. It seems like this year was the shortest of my life. Like everyone kept living but I got stuck in October 2016. For me, personally, first months were not the hardest, on the contrary - kinda blurry. Now the grief has set deep down in my bones, my heart. It seems I function pretty normally but I'm incredibly sad under my skin. I've said million times before I stopped discussing my mother's death with friends because for them it seems like a million years ago and I am not in the mood of hearing the advices to move on. I guess I moved on a little, though. I am better at coping, living with this sadness. I have a terrible longing for my mother and it seems like one last conversation, the things I wanted to tell her, thank her, would be enough. Maybe, after all, this is some kind of acceptance. On the other hand, at times it still feels surreal. I wish everybody strenght in these difficult times.
  2. Lost my last relative

    @Christianos, you are not alone. One year in after my mother's death, I still feel so much anger. I lost my mom last october, at 35, and even though I have my dad and sister, I terribly miss her. I also find myself thinking how everybody around still have their both parents (even being over 50) and what insensitive comments they make, having no clue what it feels to go through this journey of grief. I don't expect this year to be any easier because my mom is still pretty much everywhere for me. Strangely, it's like I'm reliving last year now - all those firsts days of shock and raw pain. I also used to think that I can handle anything but my mom's death. I don't know where this last year went and how I managed to survive.
  3. It's been almost a year since my mom passed away and I still cannot process what happened. The grief really defines me. Every second I am reminded that I do not have her anymore. The pain has become somewhat deeper, all-encompassing. I do not share with anyone about her anymore because people would think I am going crazy. But I still cry myself to sleep every night. This is how much I miss her. @Sweetisabelle, like you, I also didnt get to hold her, I was so scared what happened. It was also sudden and out of the blue. Now again I start to think why I didn't bring myself to see her dead, I start having visions how her cold body was left in hospital's morgue and what a coward had I been... It's been a year and she's still so much everywhere. Maybe the shock has worn out a little, but this one year mark is somewhat a hit. Soon it will be years, not months, since she's gone. And this distance makes me even sadder. I do not have any advice for you. I also feel robbed of many more years with my mother. None of our friends will understand this until it happens to them. It is hard to be a pioneer in this field.
  4. @FigsNewton, I'm the same age as you. While I am not 16 or 25 to lose a mother, yet I was not ready to let her go at this stage of my life.
  5. @sadandlost, I have ranted so many times in this forum about secondary losses. I mean nowadays with all kinds of social media it is so easy to reach out. But no, almost none of the people I considered friends reached out to me in any form. And no, I do not comprehend saying they are very busy with their lives. Then, I don't want sharing fun moments with them either. I also "lost" one very close friend. I helped her a lot when she was going through a painful divorce, supported financially. I know I am not supposed to expect anything in return. But only naturally I expected some kind of support system after my mom's death. She expressed her condolences via social media, but said she would not come to the funeral as these things make her sad and she was not fond of dead corpses (c'mmon my mom was cremated and we only had an urn, it was more a memorial and celebration of life). While I was attending mom's funeral, she was happily posting on facebook about baking Xmas cookies. Somehow it hurt me a lot. It hurt me so much that I remembered how my parents let her stay in their summer house because she was divorced and not well financially. I erased her from my life. Other people have commented I was very rough on her. Because she never reached out to me after the funeral and I was so devastated and angry that I couldn't control myself and wrote to her: "thanks for being an asshole friend. You'll get yours when your dad dies" (she does not have any relationship with her mother). I have very few close friends now, like 2 really good ones. But even with them, when I bring up the subject of my mom, they somehow get surprised that I am still struggling. And so much would I want to share stories about her... I know I'll get through this. Just I am the first one of the people I know my age to lose a mother. Nobody has any idea of what it is like. Nobody. Today is my mother's birthday. I take it as any other day, ordinary, I do not want triggers. Just generally I am sad and I am afraid soon it will be one year that I have not heard her voice. It is still tok painful for me to look at the photos or go through any memories. I still rewind our last conversation, I still blame myself for many things. It is impossible to get over this. And it is way too painful to learn to live with this.
  6. Hello everyone. I have not shared anything in a while, but that does not mean I do not come to read there. I have been home with my family, visited mom's grave site for the first time. Seeing her name with the death date broke my heart. I was crying for the whole time while back home. I do a lot of traveling and every night, wherever I am, I lay myself to bed with deep sadness and thoughts of my dearest mom. She was so young and healthy. How this pain could be so immense even after 10 months? I am still somewhere between denial, anger and bargaining. Just the thought of not seeing her ever again makes me physically sick. Soon it will be a year since she is gone. I look around and literally everybody is living their lives. Nobody has died for them. This grief thing has isolated me from my friends entirely. in a sense I am happy for that because it helps to find out who your true friends are. Anyway, do I have to wish a loss on them to get to really feel what it is to be in my shoes? Sorry, I am still angry.
  7. @thesadgirl, you are right, this is too much to handle. To lose my mom at 35 I feel completely robbed, but to lose a parent at 16 is way too early. No one is supposed to go through this at this age. I am really sorry about your dad. The way you found it out is horrible, it is more than normal to be in shock. I hear you when you say you wish you cared more. These thoughts haunt us. All the what ifs and etc. My mom was very healthy but I still blame myself for not caring more. I invent situations in my head that I could prevent all this, taking her to the doctor and ordering an MRI. But at that time how could I have known? Our mind tries to follow logic, but what to do with a broken heart? Such events are really life changing and isolating. Hopefully, we will get through them stronger. I already feel like many more years older and wiser. I pity my friends who treat their parents like they will live forever. But the truth is you don't get it until you are in that boat. Last two nights were extremely hard. I couldn't sleep at all and I kept thinking what my mom is missing out.
  8. This summer is very weird for me. Far too weird. We did some traveling to South East Asia (which I absolutely adored), but I do not feel complete. I read books that make me cry. I guess it's a new normal now. How I wish to come to my parents' house and just crash there. Be the child. I feel so robbed. I have one more year left here, then we have to move. I was considering some weird options, I mean weird countries. I am not sure if I'm not on the edge of doing something crazy. I always liked traveling and trying out new things, my mom was the one who encouraged me (my sister, on the other hand, is a very settled person, a total opposite to our nomadic style of life). I feel like I have to continue this in respect for my mom. But at the same time it is strange how demotivated I am. Most of the time I'm surprised that I'm still alive. Because it feels that this heartbreak is unbearable.
  9. @ELiz, good to hear from you. And it's good to hear that you are healing. All of my three kids will also be having birthdays in July. Will be sad. My only comfort is that my little one seems to remember her sweet grandma. We ocassionally talk about her and look at the pictures. Myself, I guess my grief pace is the slowest, I part of hope that I come back home and mom will be here. I keep having dreams where we do normal stuff together with no glimpse she's dead. She's always on my mind. Of course, not like the first month after death, but she sits there, quietly, no matter what I do. A major step backwards for me was that I had to go to the dentist. First time for me as my mom was my dentist entire life. That triggered, again, many memories. Big time. I think I would look for some grief book regarding sudden loss of a loved one. I didn't related much to the Motherless daughters. @MayFGL, I am not focused on the death date as well. Your post made me think about mom's passing date. And it's blurred. Anyway, I do not care about her death date. Am I the only one who has not gone to cemetry any single time since the funeral? But my mom is only the ashes now and I do not associate that place with her. How many of you have cremated your loved ones? Somehow it also is hard to believe that your loved one is nothing but ashes. I don't know why I am still in denial. The other day I had to look up her death certificate to convince myself I did not made up her. Why do I feel like I imagine my mom and that she never really existed?
  10. @The Girl, I love your posts. I miss my mom every minute. But as I've said - it's a strange feeling. It seems like we talked just yesterday, and simultaneosly she is such a distant memory, almost like a mirrage in a dessert. And yes, everyone else is oblivious of my grief. I am happy now that I have terminated friendships with some people.
  11. @Lisa k, thank you for letting us know you are doing alright. You are such a brave and nice person, I keep you in my prayers. @reader, how are you today? I feel ****. I keep having dreams where I am with my mom and I know she's dead and I don't want to wake up because then I won't see her again. Nothing seems real. We have just come back from a 3-week vacation from Southeast Asia, it was an exciting travel. But there is always this surreal feeling inside me, this surreal quality to life. Am I still in denial? Because there are many moments when I wanna call my mom and catch up with her. And it seems like yesterday. But at the same time she's kinda becoming a very distant memory, like a mirage, and I even feel it was never real. I hate my life and I hate that she had to leave us so soon. And I'm so incredibly jealous of all my friends who still have mothers. And all of them still do. I cannot wrap my head around that fact that I'll never see her again.
  12. @reader, hard to believe so much time (and not so much on the other hand) has gone. It seems I have just heard my mom's voice and she was all here. Somehow deep inside it still feels we will meet and catch up to what she has missed. I usually have random thoughts about her, these thoughts have become part of my daily routine. But I have started to avoid thinking about what happened in depth because it is still seems like another lifetime. We are traveling in Southeast Asia right now and god my mother is missing life. I am the saddest person in the world. sending you all good thoughts and prayers.
  13. @Lisa k, you are a beautiful woman, very nice pictures. And I hope you'll get through this. I already told you but this book "When breath becomes air" really touched me, I think about it every once in a while since I've finished it. It is so beautifully written. I also started practicing yoga regularly, I take forest yoga classes, it is really revitilizing and helps clean one's mind. Nevertheless, my dearest mom is always at the back of my mind, whatever I do. And once in a while it hits me all anew. There were some practical things I could not figure out and for the nano second I was about to call her. To all new members who are at the beginning of this grief journey - you get through, day by day, but this overwhelming saddness will be our companion for the rest of our lives. How are you all doing?
  14. Hello everyone, @The Girl, your words touched me. Almost 7 months in, denial is also still a very dominant feeling for me. I've been crying non-stop these past days, I just miss my mom. I remember our last talks when we planned on going sonewhere at this time. Seemed we had all the time in the world. Why I still catch myself thinking this is temporary and soon we'll catch up. I am also crying because ... My son went to some sports tournament abroad and while on the plane back the girl from his team found out her mother died. I cry for me and for this motherless 13 year old poor girl. While I never know her exact pain, I can only imagine what it feels like. And what a hard journey is lying ahead of her. I took it very emotionally. Growing up without a mother is an unimaginable pain. I also am angry that because of this loss I lost so much time. I had so many plans concerning career, life. Instead of that struggling with lack of energy and exhaustion. I know this is unreasonable.
  15. dear @ajt101350, condolences. I also struggle hard with a fact that I had to lose my mother in her early sixties. I am still angry at everything and sometimes even have this feeling that this is all just a fake cruel joke. Otherwise, days go by and you just carry on, barely functioning. But this pain always sits in my stomach. Nobody around you even remembers what you are going through - it is a closed issue for them right after the funeral. And you find it overwhelming because there are days that you can barely believe that it's all gone. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I started taking yoga lessons but it does not guarantee a better sleep. Recently I have read a brilliant book "When breath becomes air". I knew I would be crying. But it is an amazing book. hope you are all doing ok as can be in our situations. Hugs