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Katie S

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About Katie S

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  • Angel Date
    06th October 2016

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  1. KMB, My partner would also not want me to be in so much pain, but I know he would be the first one to understand why. I'm sure its the same with your husband. I'm sorry you've had a bad weekend. Same for me. I think this is our new normal and I hate every second of it..
  2. I lost my husband and I feel so lost

    Lost, I am so so sorry. I can relate to you so much. Tomorrow will be 4 months since my darling partner passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was happy and alive one minute then just gone. I was so lucky to have 31 years with him but i want more. The worst thing that could ever happen has happened to us and we are all changed forever. My grief has morphed a little from absolute panic and fear to immense sadness and longing. I cry constantly, even now writing this. Sleep is a distant memory. I'm still struggling a lot with guilt. Yesterday i was driving my car and found myself actually singing along to a song on the radio. As soon as i realised what i was doing, I stopped. I was so angry with myself. How could i sing when my partner is dead! I want nothing more than to feel he is still with me but I cant feel anything. Maybe we are too lost in love and grief. This site is a true blessing. I've had some wonderful advice in my darkest hours and coming on here will help you to know you are not alone or going crazy. I'm still not at the point where i cant talk about him without breaking down so coming on here lets me 'talk' in a different way. It helps. There are others who are further along in their grief. They say although the sadness will never leave us, we learn to live along side it.
  3. This is whats hurts us all to the core. It definitely sucks and is so hard to accept. I too hope there will be a time when a smile will replace the tears.
  4. Missing him so much

    Such beautiful words. This is exactly how i feel. My tears won't stop.
  5. Taking a Break

    Same here. As well as all the other stuff I'm doing I find myself coming on here whenever I can, constantly refreshing the page to see if someone has posted something. On one hand its so comforting but I sometimes feel out of control with it all. It is very much like an obsession. Also when people leave the group, its like losing a friend. Its all very strange. Best wishes to you Jeff. I will miss your posts.
  6. Why do I do it?

    Darrel, you've described things exactly the way i feel them. I too will never ever stop loving him and missing him. We became one person so most of me also died with him. We were together for 31 years and i'm 49 now. I know i'm not exactly young but i could still have so many years left without him. That horrifies me so I try not to think like that. It brings on panic and anxiety. People have said to me already that I will find someone else. Like you, to hear those words repulses me. My partner was my first boyfriend. The only man i've ever loved and i was so lucky to share my life with him.
  7. Why do I do it?

    Thank you all. I really appreciate your posts. Music is a massive trigger for me so I should have known better than to spend the day torturing myself in that way. It got so bad at one point I thought I was going to vomit I was crying so much but I still carried on. I just miss him so much and hate that I am here without him. Tomorrow, I will try and look for another way to get through the day.
  8. Why do I do it?

    As if my life now isn't hard enough, I've just spent most of the day wearing my partners shirt, looking at old photos and listening to 80's power ballads. Tears wont stop flowing. Its almost as if I want to add to my already unbearable pain and sadness Is this me going crazy or does anyone else do this?
  9. I'm still really struggling

    I do feel this forum is a safe place for us all to say how we are feeling knowing everyone 'gets it'. If I were to mention to my friends just a small part of my daily thoughts I think they would be horrified. I know we all live in different countries but wouldn't it be great if we could all attend a grief session held by KayC. That would be something special.
  10. DonnaR3, I'm with you on the tv programmes. There are two in particular that we would always look forward to watching together. I haven't been able to watch them since my partner passed. Just hearing the opening music would be enough to set me off crying. I go and visit his grave every week. It makes me feel close to him although i know he is not there. But I know the body I loved for so many years is there and that's why I go so often.
  11. I'm still really struggling

    Thank you Francine. I do sometimes think I will never stop crying. My eyes are so sore and I'm convinced my vision is getting worse. I wish I had someone who could be there for me like you suggest. I have friends but no one close enough to put through the ordeal of me sharing my true feelings. I find it easier just to say I'm doing ok. I hope that we all will find some respite from this pain, just to take a breather and manage some sleep.
  12. I'm still really struggling

    B7176, I am so sorry about your boyfriend. It truly is the most unbearable pain to endure. I know everyone on here understands the pain and sadness of losing a partner/husband/wife. So many people in our 'real' life think they understand but they have no idea of the true horror of what we are going through. Its beyond anything I could have imagined and I really don't know how I am still here.
  13. I'm still really struggling

    KMB, I understand totally. I am very much alone now and I hate every single minute. I have never lived on my own. I met my partner when i was 18 and I was still living with my parents. We moved in together when I was 19 and have never been apart until now. I'm 49 now. I'm not a highly sociable person. I was content it just being the two of us. We were so happy in our own little routine. I did so much for him and loved doing it. Like you, laundry, shopping, cooking, even cutting his hair. I suppose I am 'lucky' that I have to work to support myself, otherwise I would not get out of bed.
  14. I'm still really struggling

    Thanks Emeliza. Your words make perfect sense and I hope one day I will be able to look at his picture and smile. I remember him saying to me once, 'I love you so much, I don't think I could live without you'. I really don't think he could have coped if I had gone first. I was always the stronger one emotionally, not that you would think that to look at me now. I am so sorry this has happened to us all. It is the hardest thing I will ever have to do and I'm not sure I have the strength or will to do this. I have lost everything.
  15. Its been almost 4 months since my darling partner passed away. I'm still crying every day, I miss him so much. Its just not getting any easier for me. I returned to work this week and whilst I'm there I put on a brave face and smile so everyone will think I'm coping but the reality is very different. As soon as I am in my car to go home the crying, anxiety, panic all starts. Being alone at home is just torture. I want this grief to ease because I am exhausted with it but at the same time I think as long as I continue to feel like this I am not forgetting him. I know that sounds silly but I can't help it. I also feel guilt with everything I do, even basic things such as showering, putting make up on etc. I walk around in a bubble feeling like I don't belong anywhere anymore. My friends think it would help for me to see a grief counselor but I still cannot talk about my partner without breaking down. I just don't know how to live without him.