Katie S

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About Katie S

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  • Angel Date
    06th October 2016

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  1. JC_TX - I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort but I know there are no words. I've read others say in time it will get easier to cope with our grief. Right now I can only manage one day at a time, sometimes not even that. Like you I am terrified of continuing on without my partner, and I don't want to. I'm not suicidal but I wish I could be with him. I found him in the morning, collapsed on the living room floor. He had died during the night while I was sleeping. I did CPR whilst I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive but I knew he had gone. I was too late, I had let him down. That morning is haunting me. I cannot sit in that room now, I live in our bedroom. Its not that I'm afraid of that room, but its just too sad to be there. I'm consumed by guilt with everything I do. Basic things such as showering, eating, even breathing. I burnt my arm the other day and he wasn't there to kiss it better. He wasn't there to tell me everything will be ok. God, I miss him.
  2. Francine - such a lovely post, my tears are falling
  3. Hi Louise - Thank you so much for your recommendations regarding the afterlife. I will certainly take a look. I've done quite a lot of reading about it already and youtube has become my new best friend. I guess I just refuse to accept that I will never see my partner again and if it brings us some comfort on this horrible road we are now all on, then that can only be a good thing. Yesterday I had to go into work for a meeting although I don't officially start back until the 23rd Jan. I didn't sleep at all the night before and was actually shaking when I got there. Turns out it was fine and I even laughed for the first time in 3 months. As I turned on my car to go home the first song on the radio was The Police - Every Breath You take ( I'll be watching you). I took it as a sign that my partner had been with me and it made me smile. I felt like I had finally turned a little corner but the grief monster made me pay for that feeling later. I cried all evening and couldn't sleep until 4.30am. I woke this morning feeling like crap and tears won't stop. It's just exhausting.
  4. What is it about grocery stores? The first time I went to the store since my partner passed I had a panic attack and had to run out. Now I can manage to go without that happening but its not unusual for me to have tears running down my face as I'm wandering round. Its when I see the things I used to buy for my partner knowing how much he enjoyed them. Trying to adjust to this new life is so hard.
  5. Thank you Nads for your words of encouragement. Instead of dreading going back to work I'm going to try and think of it as a positive step. I'm sure there will be a lot of moments spent in the loos having a good cry and maybe even a few tears at my desk but I'm sure my co workers will understand. I also like your idea of doing an activity after work to delay going home. My partner worked from home so he was always there to welcome me with a big smile on his face. I would give anything to have one more day with him to see that smile again. Just one more day.......
  6. Nads - I'm so glad your first day back at work went well. I start back on the 23rd Jan and already I am getting stressed/anxious about going back. Part of me will welcome the distraction I so badly need but I am also so worried that I won't be able to remember how to actually do my job due to major brain fog. I work in a large office and another concern of mine is imagining my co workers all staring at me with a look of pity on their faces. I hope I am wrong and that won't happen. I do tend to over think things too much. But like you I am hoping it will help with sleep.
  7. Francine - thank you so much. Its times like this I wish I did have more faith as I know it can bring so much comfort.
  8. Nads - You were so brave visiting your uncle and I'm glad it went well. To witness someone going through so much pain is heartbreaking and I too am thankful my partner didn't suffer in that way. I understand your desperation for wanting to know your husband is ok. We would say or do anything to get that confirmation. Francine - I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful for you to know that your husband is ok. I can only imagine the comfort that brought you. You said a weight was lifted that only God could lift. I am not religious and I am fearful that I will never get the assurance I so desperately need.
  9. My condolences and thoughts are with everyone on here who has lost their spouse/partner. I know there are no words which can even come close to describe what we are all going through. Nads - I understand you not being able to attend a social event. I couldn't do it either. Its exhausting pretending you are ok when you are anything but. I can't do anything yet that we enjoyed doing together as a couple. Even watching our favourite tv show. Its just too painful. Mornings are the worst time for me too. Reality hits hard the minute I open my eyes. I spend so many days being unable to get out of bed. I am so sorry about your uncle. My mum passed away in May from cancer. I know how hard it will be for you. ((((hugs))))
  10. Hi everyone. Thank you for your support. It means so much to me. We are all existing now in a life we didn't choose and its pure hell. However, it is so comforting to be able to share my feelings on here knowing I won't be told to 'get over him and move on' or even 'you are still young, you will find someone else'. The family members who are saying that to me obviously don't know me. I could never or would ever do that. To even write these words brings more pain to my already broken heart.
  11. TLW19 - your kind words of support have brought me nothing but comfort and I want to thank you with all of my shattered heart for taking the time to reply to me.
  12. Yes I live in the UK and it is CRUSE counselling and also Trinity hospice counselling that has been recommended by my GP. Its disappointing to learn CRUSE has a long waiting list as that was the one I was hoping to try. My mum passed away in the hospice so I didn't want to use their counselling service as I thought it would be too difficult. Medication can be really helpful but its not for everyone including me. I also talk to my partner all the time and kiss his photo. I still have all his belongings exactly where he left them. Tears are now flowing as I write this..............
  13. TLW19 - I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I could never had imagined the pain and devastation we are going through. You are so right when you say its like losing two people. We were together for so long we became one person and i don't know how I'm still here. I feel guilty about that and long to be with him. I cry every day multiple times a day. Grief assaults me constantly, it doesn't care if I'm alone or with others. I prefer to be alone to be honest. Its all i can do most days to get out of bed. I haven't been able to return to work but I know that can't go on much longer. I have had medical help from my GP who prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants but i had terrible side effects so i had to stop taking them. I can't sleep, I've lost weight and my hair is falling out. Just great!!! My GP also gave me the details of some grief counselling but I haven't contacted them yet as as soon as I talk about my partner I break down.
  14. My partner of 31 years passed away on October 6th 2016 and I am destroyed. No warning, no time to say our goodbyes. He'd had an acute heart attack caused by blocked arteries. How can he be here one day, then just gone? He was 56 and I am 49. This is beyond cruel. We were supposed to grow old together. I just want to be with him but instead i'm stuck in this existence with no purpose. He was my sole purpose, he was my life. I miss him every second and I will never stop loving him. If anything I feel I love him more if that's even possible. Like many on here I'm desperate for some sort of sign that he's ok but I've had nothing. I cling on to the hope that there is an afterlife and that one day we will be together again. My mum passed away in May 2016 and that was so hard to deal with but losing my partner is the worst thing that could have ever happened. It's completely different to losing a relative but not many people get it. His family don't understand why i am struggling so much and have said some things to me which are hurtful even though I know that was not their intention. They don't live in the same country as me, we communicate online. His brother basically said to me that he wasn't going to contact me for a while. He said I could contact him when I was 'feeling better'. So i guess that's the end of that conversation.