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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Missing Jack

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About Missing Jack

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Location
    South NJ
  • Interests
    reading, quiet times,
  • Loss Type
    Loss of Jack, mixed breed dog, best friend
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  1. Hi there, Good you are taking care of yourself a bit, especially in regards to sleep. I do hope that you find the answer that you are looking for, but of course would say to proceed with caution in that regard, in the eventuality that you do not get that answer. In regards to closure, I know what is meant by the term, what it represents, but I am not sure if I have ever found it. I think over time , and throughout the years, mostly I have just learned to make peace with things. I don't know if that is the same thing as closure or not. Well I tend to be a bit of an insomniac myself. I blame it on working nights over a number of years. Truth is I got spoiled, and have found the night time to be the most peaceful time. Gotta watch out though, because I'm not working nights anymore! So good to hear back from you. Kindest Regards, Michael
  2. Loss of My Father

    Dear Lynx, I was at least very fortunate to have had some time to say a few meaningful things to my dad, just before he died. What has happened to you and to your family, sucks really, really bad. There just is no other way I can think to say it. You were not given the opportunity that I was given. To have worked with your father so closely, every day, I cannot begin to claim to understand the horrendous shock of your unexpected loss, at a time that was suppose to be filled with so much joy. You, your mom, your family, hit like a bolt of lightening from the sky, at this time of year - completely unknown and unexpected. Sometimes Lynx, there are just no words. So difficult to go back to a place that you both worked, with everything so raw and fresh in your mind, and then attempt to "function." I know of course that you need to do that, but I also know, the feeling that one is living on an entirely new planet and unreal world. I know too, what it is like to physically function, yet feel dead on the inside. And also the sense that nobody in our walk about world can know or relate. No body. Glad you are reaching out to others and seeking help. It is an extremely tough burden that you carry now, and will be carrying for some time to come. There are some really great people here, who are extremely supportive. May you find strength, wisdom and courage, that surpasses all human understanding. Whenever you can, I would really like to hear more about your dad. Was he a golfer? What did he enjoy? My dad was an avid sail boater, on a boat that he had built. God Bless You, and Family, Kindest Regards, Michael
  3. My Wonderful Cat, David

    Bless You, I hear so well your heartache, and your expressions of love for David. I am so very sorry that you are going through this terrible pain. I think it helps to reach out, as you have done, and to know that others completely understand your words, and expressions of your deep sense of love and loss. I hope that you have lots of loving and supportive people in your life, although this is also a special place for people just like us, who have lost their best buddies. I hope you will feel a little bit better day by day. Come back and tell us more about David, post pictures when you are able . Take Good Care of Yourself, and looking forward to hearing more from you soon. Kindest Regards to You, Michael ( missing jack)
  4. my cousin was murdered

    Hello Mia, I am so very sorry you are going through this ordeal, the violent death of your cousin, Katrina. Young lives and so, so much pain. The feelings, problems, you have described, unfortunately, are not at all uncommon for people going through this kind of terrible ordeal. I have been searching for several hours, trying to find any information in your area. Resources for family - "homicide survivors." Survivors of homicides, and violent crimes are an extremely under served community, which is terribly unfortunate due to an ever increasing need. I will keep searching. In the mean time I found this resource which is jammed full of useful information. I have been looking for something like this in N.Y. city area for you - Maybe others can weigh in, if they know of any. Even though the state of origin for the above web site is based in P.A, it is packed with information you may also find useful. I might also suggest checking local newspapers for support groups dealing with survivors of homicides (family member survivors) and of violent crime. Also depression supports groups, teen support groups, and specifically teen support groups that deal with all of these issues. More than anything, I want you to know that you, and this pain you are feeling, is being heard. I also had noticed in your tags, - suicide. Is this something you can talk about, write about? Please know that you have been heard, please know that there are others out there who can relate to you. I would encourage you to write again here when you can. God Bless You Mia, Kindest Regards, Michael I am going to continue looking for resources for you in your area, please keep reaching out, as you have here ..
  5. Loss of married lover

    Dear Numb, I found something that may be of value to you, in the story's of others who have had your experience. At the very least you can read and hear from others that are walking in your shoes a bit. BTW, KMB raises very good points and has valid concerns. I think that this is another reason to seek out help as quickly as possible as Tim has suggested, so that if, God forbid, something else comes at you unexpectedly, you will already have a solid support system in place. Hope That This Helps, Michael
  6. Loss of married lover

    Indeed, well said KMB. Great to "see you." Have enjoyed your responses and kind words a great deal. Blessed New Year To You and All, Michael
  7. Loss of married lover

    Heh there, Just wanted to add support to you, and what other's have already stated. As KayC mentioned, Tim has offered excellent advise. Lots of wise and caring souls here, and they are on the mark in what they have written. Hopefully reaching out here has given you, at least to some small degree, a bit of relief with the reality of your sudden and difficult loss, and the harsh emotions and burden that you are now carrying alone. Try to eat something. Small meals. small steps. You are correct in your evaluation, to resist any temptation for, "fessing up" at home or with anyone else in your "walk about world," If and when that time comes, there may come a time for this, but that time is not now. The last thing needed, is someone coming down on you or lecturing you for any reason. Your pain and your grief is as real as any other. It is valid and it is unique to you. A trained therapist for guidance, or wise spiritual guide could prove to be invaluable to you, on many levels. The first thing you may realize is that you, and your situation, is not at all strange, or unusual. Other's do and have had, experience in this. The important thing now, and immediate priority, is to get yourself together as best you can manage, and as Tim has mentioned, do so as quickly as possible. That is going to be the most difficult step. Making your new beginning. You can only benefit, from an objective, non judgmental, trusted third party, to help you work through this most difficult time. No judgment here at all. I know from my own life experiences , the most extreme and harshest judgments, usually come from within us. God Bless You, Kindest Regards, Michael
  8. Hi Reader, Your dad was very fortunate to have had you. While you may feel like you failed him, I sincerely doubt that is the case. I have worked as a caregiver, and also have experience in that role with my own father, who passed away from cancer in 2009. It is only natural as human beings go, especially those of us who care deeply, love deeply, feel deeply, to quite often feel as though we have failed our loved ones. The truth is, caring for a sick and suffering loved one, although a labor of necessity and love, is physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally draining. Each time I have had the experience, it becomes now what? What just happened? Was this real? What could I have done differently? What could I have done better? Things left unsaid, questions, questions. I have tended in life to very hard on myself, my failings, my inability to fix or change things that more often than not, were not within my power. Of course this also meant that just as often, I was very hard on others. In prior years these "feelings" of lacking, or inadequate response quite often manifested in destructive ways of being. The point is, none of us come into this life, with instruction manuals. Death and dealing with the loss of our loved ones is a journey most of us wish we didn't need to take.. And no matter how we may think we would, or should deal with our loss, there are always unexpected emotions and unpleasant surprises. It is only natural and so very human to look back with regrets and to question our actions, decisions, if only .. But always remember, feelings are feelings, but they are not quite often, fact. Be good to yourself. Resist the urge to beat on yourself. Change the narrative. Turn those pesky, nagging inner voices around, and tell them to be gone. You did good, you are good. You took care of your dad, you did your best, and you were wise, and kind and loving enough to let him go, as much as possible, on his own terms. Your dad it seems ultimately was a man who knew what he wanted in the end. My dad was the same way. He eventually accepted and was resigned to his fate. He just wanted it over. The pain and the suffering. In that I can find no fault. I have also worked with the very ill, men who were at times extremely angry, to the point that they were really not living, but neither were they dying. Anger it seemed, was the only thing keeping many of them going. I often say, and have learned in my travels, that death is only hard on the living. Keep writing, keep expressing. Kindest Regards, Michael
  9. The Death of my mother

    Hi Cam, You have had a very tough go of things. Mostly I just wanted you to know that you have been heard. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. God Bless You, Be Well Michael
  10. My dog died and i need someone to help me deal with it

    Lisa, Bless your heart. Post pics when you can. Would love to see them both. Michael (missing jack)
  11. Mother passed when I was 15

    Hi Dustin, I am glad that you are reaching out to other's with your story. I certainly understand being in dark places, depression, and also destructive behavior. I cannot tell you what a milestone it is that you have come to. A turning point. I will not kid you or sugarcoat things, the journey you are on is not an easy one, but I will tell you that it is one worth taking. For whatever reason, many of us feel things very deeply. Ah yes, manning up. Well certainly I know what that means. Been more than a few time I had to "man up," myself. Sometimes, we men and women, steel ourselves, or attempt to insulate ourselves from deeply felt injury or pain. Of course just as often, we attempt to do this by some method that actually ends up causing us much more pain! It's the ole, I'll show you, I'll shoot me! If you have now come to a point where you have realized this, and have made your beginning, then you have taken a HUGE step in learning to live life fully. Trust me when I tell you, you deserve to live life fully. Never underestimate the absolute value of your own personal story. It is the most prized possession that any of us will ever have. And what the hell, if we are gonna be stuck on this ball of dirt for some yet to be determined time, we may as well make the most of it, wherever it may take us. Good Luck to You on your New Journey Dustin, God Bless You My Friend, Be Well Michael Justin, I just logged back in because I remember something that a very wise man shared with me, and it helped beyond measure, in my own case. He said, "Mike a resentment is nothing more than to re-feel the same things, over, and over, and over again. This can go on for a day, a week, month or a lifetime." For me it was the endless bad movie, continually playing over and over in my mind. I resented many things, people, situations that I felt that were not in within my control. The reality is I needed to be FREE of ALL those resentments, as they were for me, the great destroyer, the thief in the night that comes to steal all. Well anyway, I do go on don't I, Hope this helps.
  12. Hello, I am so deeply sorry you are going through this difficult time and loss of your dear mother. I did not find your comments at all scattered or hard to follow. So very painful for you, dad and family. Such a shock it would be at any time, but on Christmas morning, so much more so. So glad you are reaching out for help. Yes, grief counseling, support groups in your area. So, so much to deal with, especially helping dad with his struggles, as well as helping yourself. It's a lot to deal with for anyone. Keep writing, expressing, and try to take all things in small doses. No one could of known, and i know that you will replay things, if only this, if only that .. and I will tell you, nothing you or father could have done differently. There was no way to know. Kindest Regards, Deepest Sympathies Michael
  13. Dad died suddenly with me

    Dear Islysmum, So very sorry to hear about your loss. My dad developed cancer in his liver, which was also inoperable. He died in 2009. Dad lived a considerable distance from me, but I was grateful that I was able to go to where he and mom lived at that time to help out. I remember the day he called and calmly told me that he had this inoperable cancer. He made his decision to fight with very strong chemo. For my part, I spent 3 days on the net researching his condition. The best that could have occurred, was to possibly "delay" the inevitable outcome. That is what dad was shooting for, one more trip with mother. It was never to be. One thing I knew personally was that I wanted to be there with him and mother at the end. Ultimately he came home from a bad time and short stay in a rehab center, he very much wanted to be home. I was able to go there and stay with him and mother at their home, essentially doing the hospice care with him until he passed. Like you, I was there when dad took his last breaths. It was a most profound experience. I was so glad to have been there with him. Able to communicate with him a bit, up until the last day or so of his life. I know that as he laid unconscious at the end, that he had some degree of pain, but I of course had access and instructions regarding the use of very strong medication for him. Throughout all the time I was caring for dad, I kept it together extremely well. Even prepared his body, for the funeral people, before they took him away. I bathed dad, dressed him properly, and waited. After this, I went for a ride with my son, who had also come, as well as other family members. It was now early morning. He passed away somewhere around 2am. My son and I went out to get coffee. We then went to a spot on a beautiful lake where mom and dad lived. It was there, at that spot, that I broke down and sobbed for the first time since dad's ordeal began. Where to go from here .. I can only say, as with most all things in my own life, to try to live one day at a time, and if need be, one moment at a time. Be kind to yourself, be good to yourself. Don't be afraid to fully feel your loss, your grief. Understand that the moment your dad took his last breath he was no longer there, and whatever pain he may felt, no longer mattered. He is free, of pain and all earthly concerns. Something that gives me a great deal of comfort is the absolute certainty that, "this too, shall pass." Even we, will one day leave this place. While I have met other's who recoil, (including family members) from the notion of "death" and no longer "being here", I find that it gives me personally, a great deal of comfort. I do not mean death, as something to be sought out, or "looked forward to" or rushed into prematurely, just the end of all suffering, pain, and all earthly concerns. I know dad is for the ages, and his spirit lives on in me, and in all those he touched personally in his life. God Bless You, Hope This Helps, Michael
  14. Am I supposed to feel this way after losing my cat?

    Hi Lisa. So sorry Lisa, for the loss of your cat, your companion. No you are not crazy. As I was reading what you wrote I understood what you were saying. Perhaps more importantly however, there are clues within your own words. "it came as quite a shock," "I cried a lot and his death hadn't sunk in yet", "But after that I felt normal and didn't feel as hard." Strictly from my own experience, grief has rarely been like that. Does not however mean it is not like that for you, or other's! Sure, as has been written many times there are so called, "stages," of grief, but even if this is true, which I have no reason to doubt, would it not equally be true that we may miss, or "bypass" a few of those stages? I think so. Grieving is such a personal thing, as is memory. If I had to "guess" I would say that just maybe, due to the sudden nature of your loss, you may have pushed feelings aside or overcame them quickly as a quite natural self defense mechanism, a coping mechanism, and thus in a sense, to make things less "real." Please bare in mind, I am no expert on the matter and offer no advice in any kind of professional capacity, (as I am not a trained professional in these matters) so take my words more in a spirit of helpfulness in which they are offered. I may just as easily be meowing up the wrong tree and far off the mark. What was your companions name? I notice you did not mention that. Why was he the most important thing in your life? What made that so? Were there any major events during those 10 years? I think it helps, (at least it does me), to write about things, thoughts, emotions, happenings. Sometimes when you look at things in print, it brings into clarity things that we may have missed. Maybe for you (and just guessing here) it was imperative that things return to normal as quickly as possible, because of the nature of your shock and deep sense of loss. I think it is not unusual at all to NOT think about, or remember things, for these reasons. Sometimes thinking about things is just too painful. Ever hear the expression, "if it's not documented it never happened." I think in some ways as far as our minds may sometimes work, we could easily change that to, "if it's not real, it never happened." Well anyways, I sure know what it is like to question one's own sanity, ,, so take heart, you are in good company! God Bless You Lisa, Be Well Michael (Missing Jack) PS, By the way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling, other than it is making you feel bad! Sometimes the obvious escapes me !

    Derrick, My heart goes out to you. So many affections, memories, - moments. I don't often use these words as they presume much, but I believe I do feel your pain my friend. Please post a picture or two of Felix, if you are able, whenever you can. Lot's of understanding. love and empathy with you at this time. Kindest Regards, Michael (Missing Jack)