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  1. Dear lotusms, I hear your concern for your wife and needing real help. It is serious. And you need to access the right resources. I would suggest with this website in your area: http://www.stopsuicidelancaster.org/ I know what you are going through is very hard. But I hope you will access some resources in your community and consider counseling or a support group for yourself and your wife.
  2. Dear NickJames, My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mom. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We all process grief so differently. I would suggest the following websites, I found them very helpful in understanding my feelings during this difficult time in my life. What's Your Grief The Grief Healing Blog The Grief Recovery Method GriefShare.Org Take care and be kind and gentle with yourself.
  3. Dear Mitchek15, My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is overwhelming. I know its not easy to carry on without your dad. Its been 5 months for me and I still find it very hard. I try to ask myself what my dad would have wanted for me. And it helps a little. I keep taking it moment by moment, day by day. I force myself to get out bed even though there are days I just don't want to. I have also tried everything from talking to a counselor, joining a support group, reading websites like What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog, to help me understand my loss. Thinking of you and your family.
  4. Dear May, Thank you for asking your family about the significance of the rice. I appreciate it. I haven't seen any chimes at the cemetery, but maybe I haven't paid attention. I will have to take a closer look next time I am there. How is your wrists? I hope you are feeling better. I can't believe the weekend is almost here. I'm looking forward to catching up on my sleep. I feel my emotions are all over the place. Dear Mission, What you wrote is so true. Without my dad I don't know who I am. I didn't realize how much of my daily life was about taking care of my dad. And like you said, I wanted so badly to make him happy and comfortable. In hindsight, I think the reason he was so grumpy after the stroke was because he also suffered from vascular dementia. I thought he was just a grumpy old man. But in hindsight I made a terrible mistake not realizing his frustrations and grumpiness was because of the vascular dementia. I should have been more patient. I took our life together for granted. I often would just sit in front of my computer or laptop while he watched TV or slept on the sofa. I still wake up and I'm in disbelief that my dad has really passed away. I keep thinking why didn't I buy coffee for my dad today. I know the pain and sorrow will be with me for a long time. I don't know when I will reach acceptance. Thank you my friends for your support and understanding.
  5. Dear MissionBlue, You have a beautiful heart. I do hope your half sister decides to find you. The reason I wished my dad could live longer is because I wanted him to see my nephew grow up a little more. I'm afraid he will have no memory of my father. But then I've only known one grandparent in my lifetime. This is one of the hardest things for me to accept how quickly time does fly. In my mind I'm an awkward 15 year old person, now I'm an awkward middle aged person. More sad news today about another terror attack in London. I don't know what the world is coming to sometimes. Take care my friends. Have a good rest of the week! With love and hugs to all.
  6. Dear May, Thank you for sharing more about Ching Ming. I appreciate your willingness to find me an answer about the rice, but please no worries. I'm with you. Being at the cemetery is very hard. To think this is the only place I can visit my dad now seems surreal. He is not at home, not in a nursing home, not on vacation but in the ground. Its not something that I can accept easily. I try to talk to him and tell him what is happening but I get chocked up. I have to agree with you, I really consider Mission a kindred spirit! And you too. Dear MissionBlue, Please don't think you are being negative. I feel the same way. No matter where I live now, I will always miss my dad. I know I have to care about myself, but I still wish for the days it was just me and my dad. It was a familiar world. Although I was struggling with anger and resentment, I never, ever thought my dad would die. Thank you so much for always being so kind. And for taking the time to explain all the different medical issues. To me you are better than any doctor or nurse I have ever dealt with. The way you explain things always makes me feel better. Thank you for being the tide that lifts all of us up. Sorry you have to go to jury duty. If you can believe it my dad got two summons and I have yet to receive one! And he didn't even speak English. I had to always write in for him for that reason. Love and hugs to all.
  7. Dear starbright, It is a personal choice. But certainly if you need the time, I would not hesitate to take it since it is offered by the company. I took the time to arrange my father's funeral. I understand if you want to keep your grief private. But I felt really fortunate and had a lot of support from work. I find its helpful to be surrounded by loving friends, colleagues and family members during this difficult time. My deepest condolences and sympathies on your loss.
  8. Dear Mbrysonn, I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your cherished father. To lose your father so suddenly is devastating and very hard to understand. I know the pain and sorrow feels overwhelming. Please know we all grieve differently and there is no right way or wrong way. Grief is and can be overwhelming. It takes a long time for our minds and bodies to process what has happened. The shock can be too much. And having two important people pass in a short time is even harder to understand. I know everyone is different, but if you want to, maybe consider talking to grief counselor, joining a support group or accessing other resources in the community. I find these other websites very helpful. What's Your Grief, The Grief Recovery Method, The Grief Healing Blog, GriefShare.Org and if you are looking for some inspiration Tiny Buddha. My father passed away 5 months ago. It has been very hard. Grief has been like wave that comes and goes and knocks me down. I get back up for a little while and then it knocks me down again. I can't seem to accept that he really gone. I keep replaying what happened leading up to his death. I feel like I could have saved him. After the funeral and for a few months afterwards people checked in but that is mostly over now. This is why I am on this forum, it makes me feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings as I am still grieving. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
  9. Dear May, I'm sorry to hear your wrists are still hurting. Please take care. You amaze me with how much you do. And for typing all your posts with one hand. And trying to support everyone here. I thought Ching Ming was in April. Maybe I am getting my Chinese festivals or holidays mixed up. In the Chinese section of the cemetery I often see oranges and bags of rice. I don't know the significance. I normally bring my father a coffee and some flowers. May, I know how much you loved your mom. Devoted yourself to your mom 24/7. You were extremely dutiful and caring. Its only natural to be emotional. Grief is a long journey. Losing your mom was extremely hard. Hugs to you my friend. Thinking of you. May, I would love for you and Mission to be my real sisters. It is uncanny how much Mission and I share in common. I am so grateful. I feel less alone in my experiences. The understanding and support I have received from the both of you has been invaluable to me. I don't know where I would be without you two. Dear MissionBlue, Thank you as always for your kind words. I had totally forgotten it was the first day of spring. I also read it was International Happiness Day. But I wasn't feeling too happy today. I reading some articles from the Grief Healing Blog and I started to cry. Thank you for sharing more of your mom with us. Life is so hard. I'm sorry things did not work out between her and your beloved dad. Me, too. I felt like the parent in the last few years of my dad's life. I don't think my dad appreciated this at all. He was my dad and I was always going to be his child. I did feel strongly it was my duty to be there for my dad. And this is why I feel like such a failure. I did not find a way to save him. I think I could have, but like you said I cannot change the past no matter what I do. I have to live in the here and now. I just have to get my brain to understand this. Take care my friends. Thinking of you all. With love and hugs.
  10. Dear Misshereveryday, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you loved your mom very much and you are still grieving. I hear you. Its not easy seeing your father and his new girlfriend. I can imagine its very hurtful and painful. I know everyone grieves in their own way and no two people are the same. Even two years later there is still a lot of raw emotions with any loss. I would try and talk to your dad again. Let him know you love him and go from there. Tell him you feel like you are losing him. Let him know what you would like to see from him. Maybe try to have a family chat that also includes your sister as well. Thinking of you.
  11. Dear MissionBlue: I hope you and Ernesto enjoyed the movie. I hear you my friend. Sometimes life is a no win situation. No matter what information we were given, in the end we would have always wanted more time with our dads. But their health was catching up with them. They were proud men. And we wanted them to be independent and happy as possible. I want that for myself as well. I too wish for the same thing. I realize how little I talked with my dad. He never asked me too much and I never asked him for fear of upsetting him. I just hope he knew I did love him in my own way. In our culture we show people how much we care by being respectful of your Elders. I tried to show him I cared by managing the household, the finances, the yard, doing what he asked me to do even it was to change a light bulb. Sorry for my short note my friend. I will write more later tonight. Thinking of you all. Have a good week! With love and hugs.
  12. Dear Fiona, My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your stepdad. I'm sorry for your loss. I know you are going through a lot. Trying to support your mom but also dealing with your own grief. You are an amazing person for doing everything you can to support your mom. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. And don't let the Pastor bully you. You were only trying to do what your mom wanted. He is way out of line. I would block his number if possible. You don't need anyone in your life making you feel bad right now. There is so much pain and sorrow. And grief is a long road. We all need all the care and compassion we can muster our selves and those around us. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you anyway we can. Everything you are feeling is natural and normal. Consider checking out these websites for additional support. What's Your Grief, The Grief Recovery Method, Tiny Buddha, GriefShare.Org, The Grief Healing Blog. One moment at a time, one day at time is all any of us can handle right now. Take care my friend. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.
  13. Dear H82017, I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its hard. Grief is overwhelming. I too find it hard to get out bed some days. I think it takes a long time for our minds and bodies to process what has happened. I think it takes a while before we even start to feel better because the pain is so raw. We have to start with baby steps. Getting out of bed, having a shower, some food. Then maybe be with friends and family. Look for something small that gives you joy, like the sun is out, or going for a walk. It will take time. I have also found these websites helpful in helping me understand my feelings. What's Your Grief, Tiny Buddha, The Grief Recovery Method, The Grief Healing Blog, GriefShare.Org Take care my friend. Thinking of you.
  14. Dear frogirl1993, I think its only natural and normal to dream about our loved ones that have passed. Because they will always be in our hearts and minds. I know the dreams can sometimes be upsetting but please know its your minds way of working things out. If you feel like it, maybe try journaling or talking with a trusted friend or family member about it. Hopefully the more you talk about it, it will allow your mind to rest and you can dream about other things.
  15. Dear JebyJed, Our deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. I think it takes our minds and bodies a very long time to process the pain. Please know you are not alone. We are here to listen and support you anyway we can. There are many resources available. Please consider talking with a grief counselor, joining a support group, accessing resources through the community, work or church. I have found the following websites helpful, What's Your Grief, The Grief Healing Blog, GriefShare.Org, The Grief Recovery Method and Tiny Buddha. We are all thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.
  16. Dear MissionBlue, Please, you never have to be sorry for how you feel. I hear you. Its not easy to go through our dad's belongings. I became tearful reading about your dad's "I love you" note. Often I read about how people didn't have good relationships with their fathers. Or their fathers were monsters. But we were the lucky ones. We had a decent, caring and loving father. My dad wasn't perfect, he would scold me too about spending too much money. But like you said, we could trust our dads not to abandon us. I know we both put so much into caring for our dads. I was reading another article and this man said "My dad was in the process of dying, but I never thought he would actually die." And this was similar to what you said about your dad always making a recovery. I too had thought the same thing about my dad. Today I am obsessing about this point again about "why did my dad have to die?" With Easter approaching I'm already upset about all the things he has missed so far. I know its not healthy but I keep thinking about how much my routine has changed. How much my life has changed. Every day it upsets me because I'm thinking "where is dad?" I should be buying dad a coffee. I should be checking on him. I never regretted spending all my time with him even though there was resentment and anger with the siblings. I just thought we would carry on for a bit longer. I hate what the stroke did to him. Hate how I just couldn't turn things around for him. MissionBlue thank you for sharing your memories with all of us. I love how you and your dad enjoyed the movies together. You are so right my friend. The world does keep changing. I am the one that can't seem to accept it. I always call myself a dinosaur. I keep trying to hold on and hold on till what ever it is I like becomes extinct. I wish I could embrace life more, but lately I just can't seem to do it. Nothing really brings me joy or least not for long. Glad you went out for St. Patrick's Day. Sorry to hear the old Irish bar burned down. I'm like you my friend and I normally like to do what others want. So many friends and family members want me to join the living as it were. Here I am always a hermit at heart. I want to save myself from rejection, pain, conflict...so much fear. My greatest fear was my dad's death, so now I don't know what else there is for me. I know I cannot stay home forever. It will be baby steps for while. Mission, I love all your posts. Sorry I can't get the bold off again. I hope we all have a good week! Sending everyone love and hugs.
  17. Dear Augustgirl, Thank you for expressing so well how we all feel. My dad also passed away 5 months ago. I am still struggling to understand my thoughts and feelings. I keep going back and forth. But I can't seem to accept anything. Reading your post made me very tearful because your last line mirrors mine. I did not know how much pain and sorrow I would feel till it happened to me. I tried to keep death at bay, but once my dad passed I had to face up to it. And I just don't want to. Dear Untiltomorrow, I'm sorry for the pain you feel. You are so right, time does fly by so quickly. Me too. I wish I knew for sure that some day, I would be able to see my dad restored to his former good health. Our whole family will be reunited in some form. Sometimes I don't know what to believe. Or what to tell myself so that I can move on. But there are still lots of tears. I tell myself a story but who knows if its true. I tell myself that my dad is in the spirit world fully restored to good health. He is enjoying his days like before having coffee and reading the paper. I would like to believe its really true.
  18. Dear Cpo, Its not selfish at all because we all wish we could have more time with our beloved parents. I do too. I think its only natural. It hurts so bad to know we didn't have more time with them. I know the funeral and burial will be tough. But I know you will do your dad proud by speaking from your heart about him. He was loved by you and that is all that matters. Take care of yourself and your family the best you can during this very sad time.
  19. Dear Eli, I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished mother. Everything you are saying and thinking is natural and normal. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. Your mom went through so much. Life is so hard. I know you miss your mom a lot. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.
  20. Dear Elizabeth, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. You are very brave and strong young woman. I'm sorry for all the pain and sorrow you are feeling. I hope you will consider talking to a counselor or joining a support group. Or accessing some resources through school. Please continue to write and share with us. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
  21. Dear Cpo, My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. And for all the pain and sorrow you are going through. I know its a very difficult time. Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Thinking of you.
  22. Dear Tiffkins, Thank you for sharing your daddy with us. I'm so sorry for you loss. I feel your pain and sorrow. Your daddy sounds like an amazing man. I hear you. I too desperately want to have my dad back as well. I think its only natural and normal to feel as you do. Please continue to take it day by day. Thinking of you.
  23. Dear Rianella, You are a very brave and strong young woman. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I know this is a very hard time. And the pain of losing your cherished mother is unbearable. I hear you. And I'm so sorry. Please reach out and talk to someone about your feelings. After such a traumatic loss its critical to surround yourself with loving friends and family. There are so many community resources through school or church. Consider talking to a bereavement counsellor or joining a support group. There is help. You are not alone in your pain. We are all here to support you in anyway we can. Please know it wasn't your fault. Life is cruel. And there is nothing we can do about it. It was a terrible accident. I know we all wish we could change the past. I do too. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
  24. Dear Corey's mom, Sending you love and hugs during this very difficult time. I'm so sorry. I know the pain is unbearable. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. To answer your question, I think it takes a long, long time to process the sorrow. And to work through all our raw emotions and thoughts. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. And continue to surround yourself with loving friends and family.
  25. Dear MissionBlue, Your great uncle sounds like an amazing man. It seems so rare these day to have integrity and a good work ethic. That was my dad too. He could drink coffee and still fall asleep. I'm quite the opposite. A can of Coke and my eye is twitching.:-) Thank you again for supporting me. In my mind, I thought I was making my dad happy, but in reality I really don't know. My dad was always so frugal and simple. He believed in saving money and doing things yourself. He worried about my siblings and I frittering away our money. But as he got into his 60s, 70s, I really wanted my dad to have something! He wouldn't even buy a car magazine and read it at the store. As he started to spend more time at home, I would buy those magazines for him. I wanted so much for him. To enjoy his retirement. To take the burden off of him. I still thought we had more time. I'm with you my friend. I too use Amazon and YouTube to distract myself. Everyone told me after my dad's death I would have good days and bad days. But right now it feels like the bad days will never end. I think I will go and see him again on Sunday. Bring him a coffee and some flowers. Luckily the weather is warming up. Me, too. I just do what I have to do and not much more. But MissionBlue I can't wait for you to move into your new house and start this next phase of your life. Your writing has given me so much hope and encouragement. I'm not sure if you have ever considered writing a book or even and advice column. You have been very kind to me. And more helpful than my counsellor. After reading your posts I always feel better and I can't say that's what I feel after talking to my counsellor. I hope you have a good weekend! And thank you again for taking the time to reply and support everyone here. Sending everyone love and hugs.