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About Chasisdope

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    Advanced Member

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    Husband - Leukemia 2/16/15
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  1. I can't believe it's going to be a whole entire year on October 20th. Life goes on but my heart still aches. I still want my husband. I finally was able to answer people by saying I am a widow instead of I'm married. Our daughter is now in Pre-K. I honestly hate death. I hate the fact that families and loved ones have to be torn apart. The reality of how this world operates is terrifying.
  2. Third month

    I know exactly what you mean when you say friends are not there for you and some will even look aggravated when you bring up his name. It's going to be one year for me next month and if I was to bring up my husband's name, people would look at me all weird as if I am in need of psychiatric help. It's all normal. They don't know the least bit of what we are going through here. That's why I'm back on here. I want to express how empty I am and how much I still miss my husband. Who cares what those people out there in the real world thinks. We're all here for you.
  3. Going on Nine months

    It's going on nine months since my husband passed. I still love him very much. Miss him more than ever. Still cry for him. What I've been doing to keep me occupied is going to the beauty salon. I've been keeping up with my appearance. I've started going to the gym. I've been going out more to social gatherings. It does help take my mind off when I can. As soon as I'm alone, there I go again. But, I'm thankful for this forum and everyone here who's helped me keep my head up. I don't know where I'd be without you all. Thank you so much. Next month, I'm going back to college. Hopefully, that too should keep my busy.
  4. Don't know what to say

    I haven't been posting but it's going on 9 months for me since my husband passed. Nothing anyone says can make it easier. I've missed him and cry for him more than ever but the best thing is to keep yourself busy. I do believe that I will be reunited with my husband when it's my time to cross over. Your wife is still going to be with you for a while. When my husband recently passed I felt his presence a lot. Especially, when I was losing my mind. Nowadays, I still feel him just not as often since.
  5. Passive suicide?

    That's how I always feel but I find strength to get up and live for my children. I'm also living day by day, getting up and taking care of my personal hygiene. I do this because as much as I want to just let things be, I will not let my husband's family see me in any condition less than what my husband expected me to be when he was alive. He was proud to have me as his wife. I was beautiful to him and that's how I shall be up until the end of my days here on this earth.
  6. Speechless

    I would do what I have to do to get by. I post all the time on my facebook & his. I simply do not care what people think. They don't know my struggles and the pain of losing my husband. One of my sister couldn't even offer a word of condolences and I really don't give a crap either. She came crying to me when her husband cheated on her and when my husband dies she acts like I should be over him and move on. While she wept and fought for a guy who was nothing but a loser. I don't need her. Times like this really does show the true colors of people and it makes it okay for me as I now know who I should invest my time & energy in. I have set goals to better myself for the sake of our two young children and that's all I care about now. I just ignore them because arguing or explaining myself simply takes too much.
  7. Sleep disturbance and crying

    Thank you Francine. Everyone here has been an inspiration on surviving. I always think of this forum as a place where real people who has gone through the realest pain like myself. I remember that and remind myself to keep on going. Just keep going. I've set some goals for myself and in a couple years time, I should have accomplished some things.
  8. Time worsens the grief

    I do feel that time worsens my pain. I find myself wanting him so much more and not being able to have him near me, kills me. I've been sobbing a lot more than ever. But no one understands. If I tell them, they'll just say oh why am I upset now. So people don't understand because they have their significant other to look forward to. I don't. His words always haunts me. It hurts me so deeply. Especially, how he always says, what is he going to do without me and our little girl. Now, I am living out his fear. My husband hates it when I try to inflict self harm. But I'm really at wits end. I don't know how else to take out my anger & frustration of not being with him. My hearts never been in this much turmoil. I never felt the need to just be gone like poof. In the past, I always thought to carry on as life goes on. I always had that strand of hope that no matter how terrible my situation was, I'd get through. But this time, it's not the same at all. I feel like I've done my dues and I'm ready to go. I keep reminding myself to just live for our little girl. I like solitude. It's like I'm a different species from the rest of the world.
  9. New here and need help

    I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of wanting to get an attorney and I'm glad that you were able to. I tried to attain one but no one would hear my complaints. They just said it's the standard of care, especially when someone has leukemia and how advanced it is. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what percentage of life someone has left they should be treated with dignity and respect and they didn't do that for my husband. One of his ICU doctors shouted saying my husband was giving them a bad attitude. I know they over dosed his chemotherapy. But no one would want to look into it. I hope you are able to sort things out even if you can't get him back at least it gives you something to do. Every way I turned was a dead end.
  10. It is what it is

    Been wondering the same and still am.
  11. I just don't know...

    I hate that too. I get it all the time. Today, I posted on my husband's facebook just saying "I hate you!" And someone also tried to say something along those lines to me. I just told her it's none of her business and walked away. Or sometimes, I look at them like are you really stupid to say all of this. Give them a dirty look until they realize how much of a fool they were to say what they did. I snap at times. My eyes open wide and my voice gets louder. This way, they leave me alone. I only do this to the very ignorant ones though.
  12. Does having a child help after losing a partner?

    Whenever our little girl (she's three) gets picked up by her grandparents on the weekends, I'm left alone and I go into very dark places with my thoughts. I contemplated suicide and actually thought the whole thing out only to realize my life insurance policy wouldn't cover it and also I still have her. Having her and being able to kiss & hug her brings me comfort. It's heart wrenching to hear her asking about daddy. They were inseparable. He was the greatest daddy I've ever seen in my life. That's the hard part. I just wish we could have froze his sperm and have a sibling for her as I am not going to remarry or have anymore children. I've been in several relationships and he was the one I wanted to be with last for the rest of my life. But he left too soon. I can only wait to be reunited with him in the afterlife. Hopefully I wouldn't have to wait too long.
  13. Visitation and I am feeling lonely

    I believe in the afterlife and visitations. The first week after my husband passed. One very convincing instant that happened to me was when I was standing in front of the bathroom vanity mirror and I said his name and asked if he was here to do something so I know he is around. A section in the mirror started to move as if I was looking at myself in the reflection of the water that have soft waves. I couldn't believe my eyes. I checked and checked and there was absolutely nothing that could have caused that to happen. It was just too unusual. I knew it was real. I also had several visitation dreams. It took a few months for him to finally appear in my dream and hug me and kiss me. The most recent (it'd be 5 months on 3/20) one was last week. I was standing in the middle of nowhere with the night gown I went to sleep in and he pulled up in a horse drawn carriage. He was well dressed with a tux on and a top hat on! Something I could never even imagine us doing. He held his hand out to me. I reached for it and he pulled me up to sit beside him. I didn't touch him. He was glowing/gleaming as the carriage pulled away. It felt as though we were floating in air not a bumpy ride at all. There was no background only something that appeared to be a glow. I was curious as to what he was thinking because he appeared so full of joy. I turned to him and asked if he was able to see some things from where he was at. He smirked...gave me a little giggle and reassured me by saying "Yes, I can see some things." Then I woke up. It happened so quick.
  14. Things people say...

    I don't want to hear what others have to say. Some people are sensitive enough and the majority just try but end up saying the wrong things anyway. Now, I just keep to myself and run to this forum. People see me post snap chat photos on my fb or snapchat so they think oh she's fine now and then when I get a grief attack and express it on my posts they're confused. Ugh. They don't understand and I get tired of explaining so I just don't anymore. Everyone of his family and my family members have their significant other to comfort them. I don't. I loss mine. They just don't see that. I get those paralyzing moments. But, I somehow find the strength to get up and throw myself in the shower. That only happens when I think of all the hating bastards out there that say I deserve it because I left him to die. I didn't. I was doing my best to love him even when his mother and father were clawing down my throat from their dumb assumptions. They think I wanted to finish him off for life insurance when I had none! They did!
  15. Coping Methods which didn't work for me.. is it normal??

    The only thing that really works for me is having our three year old daughter around. I'm okay when she's with me. I sleep okay and eat okay. But when my husband's parents pick her up for the weekend, I lose myself. I can't sleep nor eat. I weep like a baby. My mind, heart, and body physically hurts from all of it. I do drink a glass of wine to help ease my anxiety. If our little girl isn't around, I get anxious. I feel like I have to drive out there and go and find him! And that's exactly what I did today. I drove around to his favorite fishing spots. My mind knows he's not here but it's my body that's longing for his being to be near. It's worst than an addiction to drugs. I remember weaning off of my gabapentin, I'd shake and go through all these withdrawal symptoms. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately but I know that life insurance doesn't cover that and I can't leave my kids with nothing. I feel so guilty that I feel so weak. He was my everything. He kept me sane. He was my security blanket. He was the one who would be there for me if anything and now I don't have him.