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About Chasisdope

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    Advanced Member

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    Husband - Leukemia 2/16/15
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  1. My Husband passed away

    I'm so sorry that you have to find us. I loss my husband to leukemia when he was 22 years old. It is awful. Very awful. I wasn't there to hold him or see him during his last fight. I hate myself for it. It's been a little over a year and my heart aches every time, I think of him. I also felt my husband holding my hand one night. I could actually feel pressure and my fingers spread open. I believe he is there with you. He will always be. Nowadays I still feel my husband when I am so overwhelmed with daily living. He'd pop into my dreams in the wee hours of the early morning to do something totally silly just to make me laugh. I'd laugh in my sleep from him tickling my neck like he always does. I also wake up laughing too! Believe what you feel. You know the feeling when you get when your husband walks into a room...the feeling of lifting that heaviness off your chest...the feeling of comfort. You will feel him.
  2. One year next month October 20

    I still wear my wedding ring and proudly wear the tattoo I got in honor of him and his battle with leukemia. I still have his photos, his clothes, wallet, etc. in our home. His ashes in our home. I still do get offended when people tell me to get rid of it but I don't go off on them anymore. They just don't know what stage of grief I'm in. I don't even. One thing, that I truly appreciate is being able to come here for comfort.
  3. One year next month October 20

    The only thing we can do is take things one minute a time, and keep reminding yourself that you're loved. I kept telling myself and still do tell myself that my husband loves me very much. And it would hurt him to see me abandon myself and our kids. I know he would tell me how proud he is of me and how much he appreciates my daughter and I for doing our best to stay strong. It is the hardest thing. I still feel lost at times and wonder why. But no one has the answers. No one will. Not until the day when our time is up and even then who knows where we would really end up. All I can do is hope and have faith that he will always be waiting for us. The first time, I mentioned that I was a widow, I hated it. But it had to be done. I hate that I have to refer to him as my late husband. But I have to, in order to remind myself of the reality that I'm facing. Everything hurts but it does help to just carry on with daily activities and not remind myself of the pain and hurt he went through. Whenever I pull up our photos, videos, and memories it brings me back to square one. So, I only do so until I could feel myself about to fall back into that misery, so I quickly pull myself out and do other things to stay positive. Always remember that we have our daughter. She does help so much in keeping my mindset where it should be.
  4. I can't believe it's going to be a whole entire year on October 20th. Life goes on but my heart still aches. I still want my husband. I finally was able to answer people by saying I am a widow instead of I'm married. Our daughter is now in Pre-K. I honestly hate death. I hate the fact that families and loved ones have to be torn apart. The reality of how this world operates is terrifying.
  5. Third month

    I know exactly what you mean when you say friends are not there for you and some will even look aggravated when you bring up his name. It's going to be one year for me next month and if I was to bring up my husband's name, people would look at me all weird as if I am in need of psychiatric help. It's all normal. They don't know the least bit of what we are going through here. That's why I'm back on here. I want to express how empty I am and how much I still miss my husband. Who cares what those people out there in the real world thinks. We're all here for you.
  6. Going on Nine months

    It's going on nine months since my husband passed. I still love him very much. Miss him more than ever. Still cry for him. What I've been doing to keep me occupied is going to the beauty salon. I've been keeping up with my appearance. I've started going to the gym. I've been going out more to social gatherings. It does help take my mind off when I can. As soon as I'm alone, there I go again. But, I'm thankful for this forum and everyone here who's helped me keep my head up. I don't know where I'd be without you all. Thank you so much. Next month, I'm going back to college. Hopefully, that too should keep my busy.
  7. Don't know what to say

    I haven't been posting but it's going on 9 months for me since my husband passed. Nothing anyone says can make it easier. I've missed him and cry for him more than ever but the best thing is to keep yourself busy. I do believe that I will be reunited with my husband when it's my time to cross over. Your wife is still going to be with you for a while. When my husband recently passed I felt his presence a lot. Especially, when I was losing my mind. Nowadays, I still feel him just not as often since.
  8. Passive suicide?

    That's how I always feel but I find strength to get up and live for my children. I'm also living day by day, getting up and taking care of my personal hygiene. I do this because as much as I want to just let things be, I will not let my husband's family see me in any condition less than what my husband expected me to be when he was alive. He was proud to have me as his wife. I was beautiful to him and that's how I shall be up until the end of my days here on this earth.
  9. Speechless

    I would do what I have to do to get by. I post all the time on my facebook & his. I simply do not care what people think. They don't know my struggles and the pain of losing my husband. One of my sister couldn't even offer a word of condolences and I really don't give a crap either. She came crying to me when her husband cheated on her and when my husband dies she acts like I should be over him and move on. While she wept and fought for a guy who was nothing but a loser. I don't need her. Times like this really does show the true colors of people and it makes it okay for me as I now know who I should invest my time & energy in. I have set goals to better myself for the sake of our two young children and that's all I care about now. I just ignore them because arguing or explaining myself simply takes too much.
  10. Sleep disturbance and crying

    Thank you Francine. Everyone here has been an inspiration on surviving. I always think of this forum as a place where real people who has gone through the realest pain like myself. I remember that and remind myself to keep on going. Just keep going. I've set some goals for myself and in a couple years time, I should have accomplished some things.
  11. Time worsens the grief

    I do feel that time worsens my pain. I find myself wanting him so much more and not being able to have him near me, kills me. I've been sobbing a lot more than ever. But no one understands. If I tell them, they'll just say oh why am I upset now. So people don't understand because they have their significant other to look forward to. I don't. His words always haunts me. It hurts me so deeply. Especially, how he always says, what is he going to do without me and our little girl. Now, I am living out his fear. My husband hates it when I try to inflict self harm. But I'm really at wits end. I don't know how else to take out my anger & frustration of not being with him. My hearts never been in this much turmoil. I never felt the need to just be gone like poof. In the past, I always thought to carry on as life goes on. I always had that strand of hope that no matter how terrible my situation was, I'd get through. But this time, it's not the same at all. I feel like I've done my dues and I'm ready to go. I keep reminding myself to just live for our little girl. I like solitude. It's like I'm a different species from the rest of the world.
  12. New here and need help

    I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of wanting to get an attorney and I'm glad that you were able to. I tried to attain one but no one would hear my complaints. They just said it's the standard of care, especially when someone has leukemia and how advanced it is. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what percentage of life someone has left they should be treated with dignity and respect and they didn't do that for my husband. One of his ICU doctors shouted saying my husband was giving them a bad attitude. I know they over dosed his chemotherapy. But no one would want to look into it. I hope you are able to sort things out even if you can't get him back at least it gives you something to do. Every way I turned was a dead end.
  13. It is what it is

    Been wondering the same and still am.
  14. I just don't know...

    I hate that too. I get it all the time. Today, I posted on my husband's facebook just saying "I hate you!" And someone also tried to say something along those lines to me. I just told her it's none of her business and walked away. Or sometimes, I look at them like are you really stupid to say all of this. Give them a dirty look until they realize how much of a fool they were to say what they did. I snap at times. My eyes open wide and my voice gets louder. This way, they leave me alone. I only do this to the very ignorant ones though.
  15. Does having a child help after losing a partner?

    Whenever our little girl (she's three) gets picked up by her grandparents on the weekends, I'm left alone and I go into very dark places with my thoughts. I contemplated suicide and actually thought the whole thing out only to realize my life insurance policy wouldn't cover it and also I still have her. Having her and being able to kiss & hug her brings me comfort. It's heart wrenching to hear her asking about daddy. They were inseparable. He was the greatest daddy I've ever seen in my life. That's the hard part. I just wish we could have froze his sperm and have a sibling for her as I am not going to remarry or have anymore children. I've been in several relationships and he was the one I wanted to be with last for the rest of my life. But he left too soon. I can only wait to be reunited with him in the afterlife. Hopefully I wouldn't have to wait too long.