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Utah Ang

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About Utah Ang

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  1. Grief

    Hi Emily, thank you for sharing, I am so sorry you lost your brother. You are a strong person and I can tell you bring a lot of good to the world. You are not alone! I don’t know how I exactly get through each day or carry the sadness of losing my sister, but I think one thing I do is search all the time for hope. I have tried about everything, and willing to try anything to make it better. Maybe the constant search is the best answer to give. I listen to podcasts all the time, and search all topics, my topic search is pretty colorful, I love the Tony Robbins, Risk, and the Mental Illness Happy Hour, they are all entertaining. I love essential oils, it is fun to study the different oils, make my own mixes and put them in little rollers and share with others. I do remember hitting such a low that I joined a gym, and I remember thinking “I hate working out so much, but it can’t be any worse than how I am feeling, and if I’m strong enough to make it through grief, then a walk on the treadmill and feeling uncomfortable in the gym will be easy”, and it was compared to the mental torture of grief. I love watching Lord of the Rings, it has so many powerful messages, and things you can relate to with caring grief. Exchange the ring as your grief, and the light Froto carries as your hope, and there is a lot of good stuff in there. My Mom told me once that life is full of peaks and valleys, so when I’m in a valley I just know I won’t be there always, and I just need to hold on, keep searching for my happiness, and at some point it be as heavy. Thanks for sharing your story, I appreciate it, and that is sometimes the best medicine.
  2. CMac, I am so sorry, thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and share that with me. I did the same thing and I feel just as responsible for shutting my sister out. I came to find out it was this perfect storm of everybody shutting her out that last day, everybody just needing a break from trying to fix it, fix her, and just not being able too. It gets more manageable with time, and it’s a painful process. It one moment, one hour and one day at a time of undersanding something new, and slowly but surly I look back and see how much understanding and compassion I gained too. I still like to sleep and watch TV a lot and think that might just not go away, but I slowly do other things a little at a time. I think I have pushed most of my friends away, so I am just looking for new ones that can join me on this continued journey. I have found one or two possibilities. It does take a toll on other areas of your life, like marriage, family and work relationships. I just have to know that will get better with time, love, patience, kindness to myself, and understanding. To date I’ll written 55 letters to my sister, all filled with different feelings and I just put it all on paper no matter how it sounded. That has actually helped. It took me over a year and a half, but I think I have some type of acceptance she’s gone, some days I’m not so sure but most of the time I understand that she is. I also now know it’s not my fault, and that was a hard knowing to come too. It didn’t happen overnight, but just slowly over time, and it kind of sneaks up on you. Guilt is something I struggle with, and my head and heart just don’t match, but it’s getting there, just letting it be, and sometimes being the observer of my feelings vs. sitting in them helps. I attended a grief support group 5 times, but it didn’t feel like the right match of people so I stopped going, but I would like to go again as it was nice to connect, I just need to get out there again and keep looking for my people. I attened an Alanon meeting, at an addiction support center when my brother was going through rehab, that might have been the single most helpful meeting I’ve attended. Cant say I think total peace is achievable, but if you feel the feelings, go through the grief and not around it, I can say it does get a lot easier. I did cry twice last night, but it was for short moments thinking of sweet memories, and not horrific shock ugly cry like it was in the beginning. Relief is possible, I am here to tell you that and wanted to reply so you know it’s possible. I have much love and respect for your long journey you’re going through, feel free to write more if you want to talk more. All the best my friend!
  3. Silent Grief

    I'm proud of you for admitting you need to talk about it, need to heal, and want to work through it. Those are the first steps, it's ok to go to some of those places, so you can move onto better ones. It's never too late to begin working through it.
  4. I lost my sister 8 months ago to suicide, and it has completely destroyed mine. I'm thankful you said something, I was starting to feel the same and like I was alone in that department. Still be physical with her, even if it's not sexually, try snuggling, rubbing her back and feet, hugging her a lot and that will help her to know you still love her and want to be with her. Talk to her about it, and if she's understanding, she will work through it with you. Sex has its ups and downs in all relationships, not all partners will always be on the same level at the same time. Both men and women have issues that come up with health, emotions, and hormones that can have a big impact in that department. I find not everybody is always willing to talk about it, but it's defiantly happening in many relationships.
  5. I'm so sorry, I know what you're feeling and going through. You're not alone!!! I struggle with those same emotions with my sisters suicide. Life will always be different, how can it ever go back. I don't think any of us could have kept going on the way things were going either, and that's why we draw a line in the sand. We didn't do it for them to end their life, but in the most sincer hopes things would change for the better. I try everyday to forgive myself for not being able to change it for her, forgive her, and wrap my brain around this new way of living without her in it. Love and forgiveness is your key to making it through each day. Remeber to be kind to yourself, that is how you will get through this.
  6. My brother died today

    That's terrible, I am beyond sorry. Reaching out to others who understand your extreme grief is important, those will be the ones you can feel a human connection with for a while. One thing that has helped me to feel connected to my sister is to start a journal with my letters to her. I write to her whenever I want to say something to her and can't.
  7. I lost my first and best friend (Sister) in April, it's hard to talk about it but I'll try. She was 42 and 5 years older than me. She has two amazing kids that are 12 and 17. I have the 17 year old with my husband and I, 12 year old is with their Dad. Sistuation is complicated and I'll leave it at that. I miss her everyday, I get so sad, mad and the regret is beyond anything I can bear. I cry every day since it happended. I use to be outgoing, fun, loved to spend time cooking, baking, making jams and pies. I could smile all day, I had lots of friends and activities and have been successful in my career. This year I have no interest in doing any more than I have too, I live in front of the TV when I'm not at work. I've lost interest in living the life I use too, or connecting, I feel like I just exist. Her last few months were terrible, and now the months following are even worse. She was a good Mom, she was the life of every family gathering, she held all my secrets and I miss her. I don't feel like it gets easier, I just get stronger so I can carry it. I dream about her every week, some dreams are lucid like it's really her talking to me. Any energy I do have goes to her daughter, she gets the best of me, she deserves everything good and right in this world. Her suicide was so violent, and it bothers me, I don't like thinking about it. I don't want her life to be about her death, as her life was so beautiful. I love her with all my heart and feel her loss every day, sometimes every hour. In the beginning she was all I thought about, it drove me nuts, but I do get some relief now and can go periods of time.