Elenewlife

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  • Content count

    5
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Elenewlife

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    NJ
  • Loss Type
    Twin brother
  • Angel Date
    12/15/2015

Converted

  • Occupation
    Accountant
  • Last Name
    Larson
  • First Name
    Ele
  • Zip
    07405
  1. Yes I'm afraid my holidays were quite horrible!! Not one ounce of joy. You see he took that with him as HE was my joy. Always I knew I had someone who truly cared. And we had each other. My husband knew my love for him was different. I went through the motions but my heart wasn't in it. saturdays are hard as I would travel to go shop for my brother and spend time with him. We would get something to eat and I would stay over, returning on Sunday. This was a ritual for a very long time. As such Saturdays are painfully hard and I find I still cry missing him so much. it came to me the other day that I don't think I have had a good laugh since he passed? This is quite unusual for me....
  2. Look what just happened to Debbie Reynolds. It was heartache pure and simple that killed her! She could not bear to be separated from her daughter and those were her last words, then she died!! when Ken first passed I had that horrible chest pain all the time too, right in the sternum? I have done a lot of reading about loss this size. I knew I would have problems as I loved no one more my whole life. The body doesn't lie. I had some panic attacks, short breathing and I knew all of it was loss. I read a lot about the physiological effects of loss and saw it there. Journals said it was very common. My own doctor pointed out that I had referred to him as my heart lifelong; the body remembered. There's no separation of body and mind. I'm 'wearing' my grief!! It will be a long time before I'm free of any of it. so believe that pain you have is quite possibly heartache too. It's a very normal biological process. I know my heart is broken. Of that I have no doubt.
  3. I lost my twin brother a year ago now. The intensity of the pain has let up a bit but that hole in my heart will never close. You know all about that too. I feel half of me left with him and I won't ever get it back nor do I expect to be the person that I was. Grief, traumatic grief in particular does such a job on us!!! I could barely function at all the first three or four months. Like a zombie I shuffled from place to place like I was in a coma? I hoped it would get better, the light would come on but it sure hasn't yet. Thank you for taking the time to describe it for me. I know there are others out there experiencing loss at the level we are you just don't hear about it. I knew when it happened there was no 'snapping out of it' as people were preaching!!! I've wondered didn't THEY ever love anyone that deeply??? Sibling loss is the least studied and subsequently least understood. All I need to know is summed up by saying 'deep love deep grief'. I never loved anyone as much as my twin? To me the loss is just so insurmountable. I'm so sorry for yours as well. Thank you for sharing a bit of your pain with me.
  4. Oh I am so so sorry!! To have lost him in such an unspeakably cruel and painful way for all of you!! And trust me I DO know your pain!! It is getting close to my year anniversary. I am going through my 'last time we did this, last time I heard his voice, last time etc.'. I knew from my reading it would worsen as I got closer. I, too, cry all the time. Today I cried all day. He was my twin so half of me vanished in an instant. You also were unable to say goodbye. Just the shock alone is crippling as you know. To have to watch your parents also? Oh dear Lord! And he was so young!!! I cannot tell you my sadness at hearing such news as I do feel your loss as well. There is a kinship amongst us that no one else can ever understand. You helped me immensely just reaching out to me. It does help with that horrible sense of loneliness. No one will ever understand the heartache. But we do. You have helped me a bit with mine. Thank you so much.
  5. I was sitting here crying as I often do. Looking to find anyone, anything that just might help the pain go away? Nothing makes it go away. I say all the time 'you don't get over it you get on with it'. If there were a choice I wouldn't. I saw your post and what stood out the most was that no one could possibly understand your pain. Not true. There are lots of commonalities. Sibling loss is horrible. Sudden, traumatic loss another link. I, too, had no goodbye. I got a call from the police. They said he fell? WHAT??? Can't be. Four days before Christmas??? No way!!! How am I gonna go on? This is my TWIN - my other half all my life!! My bestest friend all my life. Anything and everything happened he was the first to know. To go to the mall, the store, he was always right beside me? He was always the passenger in my car. I have been paralyzed by grief. It's ten months now and it might as well be ten minutes. He didn't pass as a teenager we were 60 and had that much more life together that we shared imbedded in us. I can't honestly find a reason to go on? but go on I do because he would want that. Tears pouring down my face I put one foot in front of the other a day at a time dreading this next holiday season. I was in shock last year and numb as I made his plans and cleaned up his house. it has NOT gotten easier at all actually harder as each new day reminds me he really isn't coming back and it's all not a bad dream. I learned in this experience what real heartache is. Deep love yields deep grief and I never loved anyone as much as him all our lives nor will I. He's truly my other half. i am glad to have found this site. No one wants to hear anything about us. If I 'wasn't over it' in 30 days no one cared to listen. I have mourned all alone. I think you can post pix? Thank you for listening. (Sorry they're sideways lol!)