Hi I am Jess. This is my first time on here not really sure how to start. I guess I'll start in the beginning....Back in March "15 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her L5 vertebrae. This isn't the first time she had this battle. She had breast cancer in 1990 and 2000. Both times she had the breast removed and did chemo and was able to go back to her life. But this time is different since it's inside her vertebrae they couldn't take it out so she did a massive dose of radiation and was doing chemo. But unfortunately this time round the chemo was making her so much sicker then in the past. She could barely get out of bed and in the span of May 2015 to September 2015 she went from a weight of 220lbs to 120lbs because she couldn't keep anything down. Also the chemo was wiping out her red blood cells and her body wasn't replenishing them fast enough so she would have to get shots to help and would miss treatments until her count was up. So in October 2015 she made the choice of quality over quantity and went on hospice.
Its been a lil over a year since she went on hospice. She was doing pretty well for awhile. But over the last few months we have all noticed her slowly declining. Spending more time and bed and the more she does the longer it takes for her to recover. And the amount of pain meds she is on is unbelievablely high and it's slowly taking the mom I know away. Her short term memory is gone and she will nod off in the middle of conversation and walk like she had to much to drink. But she pushes herself so hard to keep doing everything like there is nothing wrong. I work in the medical field and every time I tell one of my nurse friends the dose of mophine she is on they are like "how is she still standing". But that's my mom she is one of the toughest people I know. My middle sister is having a really hard time with dealing with it. The not knowing when mom will pass is killing her. My oldest holds it in and every now then will have a break down. My Dad i think might have a nervous breakdown before it's all over. And as for me I don't know really I have my good day and bad days. I try to let my sisters and Dad vent to me so they have someone to talk to. I have really good friends that I've talk to but I feel like such a downer whenever I bring it up. See I am at the age where all my friends are getting Married and having babies and I feel bad when I bring up my mom and they have all this happiness going on. And all this has been going for a year and a half and I feel like they are tired of hearing about it. So I don't talk about it as much. And I try to be strong for my family but there a nights I cry myself to sleep. For fear of my mom being gone and for hoping she goes before she becomes bed ridden and feeling horrible and guilty for thinking that! And know that most likely if I ever get married she won't be there to help me pick out my dress or meet any children I might have. Or wondering if my birthday this year is the last one she will be here to call me and sing me happy birthday... sorry now I am just rambling...I guess I just need to get it out there with out feeling like a burden or a downer. Thanks for letting me share.