Littlesister51102

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About Littlesister51102

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  1. You and I are experiencing the almost same exact thing/feelings! Im 25, my older brother (31 years old) passed away September 9th unexpectedly to an unknown blocked artery in his heart . Everything you described is EXACTLY how I'm feeling too. The not feeling anything, like he's not really gone, that it didn't happen, seeing his shoes, the anxiety when you think about it everything. I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. Wish I had advice but that's why I joined on here too. I'm actually going to make a doctors appointment for my anxiety/panic attacks. Maybe you should too.
  2. My oldest brother passed away the first week of September. He was 31 and it was unexpected. He had a heart condition that he/we did not know of. That morning I thought he slept through his alarm for work. I found him in his bed. He just looked like he was sleeping but his coloring was a little different (it was hard to see because the shade was pulled down in his room) I stared at him for at least a minute. His chest did not move. I didn't scream I just walked to my mom in the living room and said he didn't look right. I dialed 911 when my mom was screaming. I just did it automatic like I was on pilot mode. The EMS people brought him out and layed him in front of the fireplace and covered him with a white sheet. Then they just left him there saying the coroner would pick him up in an hour. The cop that was there made me walk past him to get my license which was in my room. I remember walking past and seeing his hair behind the sheet. He was over 6ft tall so the sheet barely covered him. All the while I did not comprehend that he was dead. I picked out his clothes for the funeral, got music picked out, help make arrangements etc. I didn't cry during the visitation/funeral. I only cried for my parents and other older brother. I felt like I couldn't cry nothing would come out. I just felt blank. I can't sleep at night. Not because I'm sad but because my mind races and won't shut off. I take Benadryl to knock me out. All day I am fine. I "forget" that he's gone. I feel like he's at work. 4 days ago I awoke at 1am and the second I opened my eyes it hit me and I freaked out. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I couldn't get myself together and I had to wake my mom up. I couldn't go back to sleep til 4am. When I woke up I was fine again like nothing had happened and that is how I feel now. All three of us (myself and two older brothers) are/were all VERY close. I just don't understand why I am not grieving like I think I should be. What is wrong with me? I think I must be in denial? I feel like everything with him dying and the funeral etc has all been a blur.