mspak

Members
  • Content count

    6
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About mspak

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    South Dakota
  • Interests
    right now - family
  • Loss Type
    mother

Converted

  • Occupation
    semi-retired
  • Interests
    right now - family
  • Last Name
    Kono
  • First Name
    Pam
  • Zip
    57103
  1. Boy I guess should have thought twice about my post. I didn't mean to offend anybody.  I will find another support group and keep in mind what I've learned here. I'm sorrry, I guess i was looking for some posts I could relate to and didn't find any at the time. There have been many times these posts helped me not feel alone and that I wasn't going crazy. Thank you.

    1. silverkitties

      silverkitties

      There are many times when I can't relate to the posts either...but that's because grief is so personal and variable for each and every one of us on a monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily basis. As such, it's not always easy to find posts that resonate.

      I remember joining back in late 2014, a  few months after my mom's passing. Someone had written a tremendously moving post on her mom. I responded before creating my own threads a few months later on the first anniversary of my mom's stroke. It was around this time that I began a friendship with the woman who came up with the idea of the daily thread.

      A group of us were on that thread just about every day as a means of relief because we had few around us physically who understood our pain.....we wound up sharing thoughts on everything, and not just our grief, although that, of course, was always there. I started a few threads myself on favorite childhood recollections and music, but few ever got involved. Oh well!

      Nonetheless, I do think that the best way of addressing a problem is by starting a new thread. Someone does eventually respond.

      I've looked at other grief forums myself, particularly when it looked as if this one might be shut down (my mistake)...and at that time, none looked as inviting. I'm wishing you the best of luck.

  2. Hi all - I am glad you all are here. I have been so depressed since my mom died in September, it's been all i can do to get out of bed. At some of my worse times, I read your emails and i knew i was not alone in my hell. These holidays seem to have made everything even tougher, though now that they are almost over, I wonder. Unfortunately my birthday is Jan 4. Even tho my family is big on birthdays and I just wanted to skip over mine, my mom always called everybody together. Not this year. i dont know why i'm still here. there is no reason for it. i dont care about anything, including and especially myself. i have struggled with despression and anxiety my whole life and have been trying to overcome it all along. i still go to a doc and therapist. what's the point? i told my doc he has no pill to make me feel better. i feel like a little child crying I want my mama!!!!! Except i had her and i wish so much i would have appreciated her more while she was here. i had grievances with her tho we never quarreled, but they were so stupid. I held things against her which i finally forgave her for shortly before she died, suddenly and unexpectantly. big shot me, I forgave her, isn't that wonderful of me??? I hate myself for the time i wasted, but thank god my mom and i got to go on several vacations together, we ate out, we went to quilt and craft shows. now i have nothing... i did not realize she was really my only best friend and i feel/AM so empty, so alone. but i don't even want to do anything about it. if i could just die of pain, maybe i'd be at peace. i have tried to kill myself a couple times in my life. am i too lazy, despondent to try again. Like i said i don't know why i'm here. there is nothing joyful or fun or anything to look forward to. I certainly have enough pills to put me out, so why am i still here??? I want to go sleep in my parents empty, ready to be foreclosed on, house, but know i wouldn't be able to. i could just go and sit there and cry, but i've already done that too many times and it changes nothing. i can relate to what everybody says about a new year coming... ugh. i will admit i wish i had some alcohol on hand, maybe just to get through another horrendous night. maybe i can dig up the energy to go get some later... again, thanks for being here. i wish none of us were.
  3. Spent the day emptying mom and dad's house. Talk about making it real! Two of my brothers and sisters-in-law were there also. I stayed around after they all left and bawled like a baby. All the little details in the house reminded me of all the blood, sweat and tears mom put into the place. She was so creative recycling things from the goodwill and made a blessed comfortable home for all of us. Dad died in 2010 and mom on this September 12. Mom and I were best friends. I'm feeling numb right now. I'll go back to the house one or two more times, and then... i don't know how i'm going to do this. I can never go "home" again!!! i have always been the wandering type; where i live now i've only been there barely six months. None of us siblings really want to or are able to buy the house, but never being in it again and sitting in mom's garden or dad's workshop in the garage!! I sat in her chair in the living room today and wanted her to so badly come in the room like she used to. How much pain is there? A week ago I had to euthanize my 20-year old beautiful Princess Emma, a silver-shaded Persian. That about killed me. (I do have another kitty and dog with me.) Seems i'm either numb or crying uncontrollable. Not sure I can keep going on... but I couldn't leave my son who is fairly recently married to a sweet girl. My son is an alcoholic so a relationship is strained to put it mildly. i am very fortunate to have some good friends; we get together once a month or so. Generally speaking I feel so alone and i thought i was alone before mom died!!! ugh, the house! with all the love and tlc mom put into it... Even with my loving brothers, i still feel like i have no family. is that normal?? really we are closer than ever but i still feel i have no family... maybe i'm just going crazy... it helps to read of other's pain in this forum. i know that is normal and i know how desperately we need each other. Words just don't express anything really effectively. Not like just going to mom's house and sitting on her couch and chatting even when everything else seemed to be falling apart. i can't believe we'll never go to her favorite restaurant again, Cracker Barrel. is that really possible???
  4. Thank you guys for all your support. I don't feel so alone... I have lost more than my mother lately so I AM alone a lot. I am in charge of closing out the estate and have been having major problems with my sister. My parents had a reverse mortgage and upon both of their deaths, we'd have to sell the house to pay the bank back or give the house to the bank. But my sister won't leave. She has been lying big time to her girls about me pocketing life insurance money. All i got was $3000 and that all went to funeral of course. I am so tired of defending myself. i've done a lot of paperwork so far, but fear i may need to bring in a lawyer after all... my mom left no will or estate, but somehow my sister and her kids seem to think mom was rolling in it, probably because mom gave them money all the time which they asked for. I just had the cable turned off and sis went ballistic. i can't even go over to house and it's a disaster. sis has no intention of helping with anything. I am a natural born helper type person and this is killing me. my brothers so easily say have the utilities turned off... i am praying for some kind of break so it doesn't get uglier... my sister wouldn't care coz playing the victim is her forte and way of life. she does nothing, mooched off my mom and i found out after mom died, sis had been emotionally abusing her for years. I wish I'd paid closer attention to that... i didn't realize how bad it was until mom was no longer here to cover for her abusive "child." If y'all pray, pray for my sister to move out, so my brothers and I can tend to the house. I pray constantly for strength, have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. i just hope/PRAY this doesn't push me over (not suicide but i don't want to have to go in hospital for anything). Thank you and bless you all as you each deal with your own losses and pain. We are a kinship.
  5. Roseann, thank you for your kind and wise words. You're right about friends... today is going to be one of those days. I could always go to ma's and just being there made me feel better. Now being there is a physical pain. Your response brought tears to my eyes which i think I needed. Yesterday was one of those tough it out days...not today. I've got so much stuff to do but can't today. I thank God for my little dog who is so sweet. I'm on my phone right now. I'll catch up with you later . Thanks again for your kindness and heartfelt understanding. Pam
  6. Hi. New here. My father passed, after many years of illness, On September 12 this year, my mother died. She was my very best friend and I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that she is gone. She died unexpectantly in her sleep. When i went to my apartment at the end of the day, i had a voice mail message from her. I had seen her two days before and we had all kinds of plans of things to do, as usual. now i don't care about anything other than getting through the day. last weekend we buried her ashes with pa's at the National Black Hills Cemetery. The drive home was excruciating. i live in sioux falls, sd, and ended up staying the night in wall, sd, to delay my return home. Even though i hadn't been living with my mother, her home was the family home, and i felt like i had no home to return to. Losing pops was hard enough; this is... I'm still struggling to believe she's gone. Everything i see or think about reminds me of her, what she would think or say... everywhere i go, same thing. I have one friend who lost her mother and she "understands" like only a person who has lost a beloved parent or parents can understand. Not wanting to totally burden her, I looked for this type of forum. I'm hoping to find an in-person grief support group. I have supportive friends, but this grief goes so deep,it's become a part of me. i know i'll never be the same again. i'm wondering if i'll ever be happy again. Or really care about being happy again.