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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Tommy's mum

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Everything posted by Tommy's mum

  1. Chinese writing problem on thread

    since a person adam19976 posted a short while ago there have been various postings in chinese wondering if theses can be deleted from loss of an adult child forum. they come from canadian universities I think different listings but always the same person. or could you tell me how to delete or block that user because i think its a virus or scam. I have tried signing out and relogging in but still there. Thanks
  2. Chinese writing problem on thread

    sorrys6664 also a scam with chinese writing. Please block this user name. Awful that a grief website can be targeted.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    kate thinking of you and your family on this day. be kind to yourself and let happier memories fill your mind so you can smile a little through the tears. hugs
  4. I Need some help

    jbeanie it is lovely you are looking for support to offer your longterm partner after the sudden death of his adult son. On loss of an adult child thread we are in the majority fathers and mothers that have also lost children/adult children so we understand what your partner is going through. Being drunk is a common habit to fall into in the early days to cope with the shocking loss and avoid your feelings but as you know is not really beneficial. Men frequently tend to react with anger at first because they feel they should have been able to prevent bad things happening (they could not of course, none of us can see into the future) and do not like that loss of control. in bereavement there are so many conflicting emotions and you flip flop all over the place, one minute angry, then devastated, then needing answers, then angry ,then numb, the emotions cycle randomly and you are not in control over them at all. Anger is an emotion that always comes from something else like fear, frustration loss of control, anxiety, shame or guilt. His parents need some answers for sure but autopsy results etc take time and there needs to probably be a police investigation to see if the son was a suicide or drug overdose, had a genetic undiagnosed disease or killed by someone else. All horrifying thoughts I know. The answers will come but it does take a while and it is very hard to be patient and wait. Once the coroner and police are satisfied they will then release his body so his parents can arrange a service/ burial/cremation etc. You are doing the right thing letting him talk and telling him that you have not been in that same situation so you don't know but are trying to understand and support him. It must be hard to hear his pain and very worrying especially if he makes threats to himself but that is common too so bear that in mind. Not everyone that goes through this actually acts out the threat it is just because you feel like your life has been forever ruined and because you miss your child so much you want to be with them. He and his ex will hopefully come together and help support each other and you continue to be there for him by phone until he comes home again. There are probably articles online that will offer you some insights on the grieving journey too. It is a long and painful process that has to be worked on to get to the stage when there is some acceptance and can take many many months to happen. I wish you luck
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    susan glad you are doing ok must be a very boring diet and I am sure you will be glad to get onto something solid before Xmas. Those are two of my favourite quotes on grief by the way. dianne yep it is definitely ok not to celebrate the holidays. If it does not feel right then don't do it, whatever your inner self directs you, I like that quote you posted too just reminding us all that we are different. that Piper sure looks like a little angel how lovely she is. I hope I have grandkids someday they look like fun! glad your cousin is doing as well as can be expected. Dee said the feelings that "roller-coaster" so well, we all know the pits that open up unexpectedly and then the slow climb back to some normality. I believe we are always a few steps further on than we were originally, it is just a long and slow process. maryanne I read your candle post a bit late but what a lovely idea. I look at my tree lights instead and smile a sad smile. kate what an awesome charity idea to be able to have some choice of gifts very thoughtful. I will be sending my usual donation to my local homeless shelter in my son's name. There was a very interesting article in the newspaper the other day from a mother of a son who is an addict and lives on the streets. She wrote an article begging kind people not to buy food or drinks for her son, or clothes or give money to him. her reasoning was sound she said that if his needs are met he is enabled and will continue in that lifestyle. If his needs are not met he will hit rock bottom and seek help himself and hopefully get treatment. She did ask instead that people donate to the charities that support homeless and addicts so they can be taken care of appropiately, beds funded etc. Thought it was an interesting perspective, practising tough love which must be so hard, but also with her son's welfare and safety foremost. dee thanks for the encoraging words, it is a bit of an emotional minefield navigating the holidays. I agree a book is in your future. there are quite a few faces missing recently on our thread. I guess you are all having your own personal struggles, just know you are thought of and missed ok?
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    tina I hope job opportunities continue to come up for you so you can have a choice. louann I still have Tommy's cell phone too. I so wanted to charge it up and read it but I also felt it would be an invasion of his privacy too so I just have it in my closet on the shelf. I intend one day to bury it in my special place I just could not bring myself to recycle it. It is only a very cheap phone but I know how important to youngsters their phones are, almost their lifeline and it would feel wrong to do anything else but bury it so he has it. i am aware that sounds really crazy but it is just how i feel. dee i bet you are a great grammy! Enjoy them as they grow up so quickly. i liked your poem about Eri and am glad you share your gift with us. How lovely that one of your grandkids is named after your precious girl and arrived the day after her namesake's birthday. Well I did it I put up my xmas tree. it was very peaceful doing it on my own, taking some time to reflect on Christmases past and remembering when my kids made and gave me little ornaments. Almost every ornament has a memory attached to them, a past holiday or place I had visited on a Christmas tour. There are quite a few American ornaments obviously i shall have to get some british ones now I am back in the UK. I put Tommy's latest ornament in the front and watched it twinkling in the lights. i know he was with me because I did not feel lonely doing it by myself. I have saved a few of the kids' special ornaments for them to add to the tree when they come down. My brother and his husband are coming down tomorrow for the night it will be lovely to see them and now I have to do some overdue housework. I feel proud that I have managed to get it together and prepped the house like I always did before because I know my kids will see it as an improvement in my mental state. It does not feel the same as it used to before I lost my Tommy but that is ok small steps i tell myself.
  7. Helping a friend

    sometimes just joining and reading posts is helpful even if she is not ready to share yet. You recognise some of those feelings, thoughts, or actions and realise you are not alone or crazy and that is a relief. There is sometimes helpful advice or suggestions and perhaps she may find someone she really connects with who has lost a child in similar circumstances and who is willing to email privately. It is difficult to ask for help which is why some people just read the posts until they feel strong enough to tell their story because that communication is enough not to feel alone. That is why this forum was set up to bring together bereaved parents and form friendships online so you don't have to leave your house or meet people face to face sharing only what you want to. I hope she finds us, thanks for offering her this help.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    tina how you are feeling is really normal. Grief saps the very life out of your bones, and it is so tiring keeping up a front and to keep it all together. You are also facing financial difficulty and job concerns, so you have that added burden on your shoulders. I am on disability and know how you have to watch every penny to spend on the bills, leaving nothing for self care, or having any fun or frivolous purchase. Like our wise friends have suggested, look for help in your community and or church family. They can often access a few resources to help ie food parcels etc. It is too hard to do alone bless you. Also you are still very new to grieving, still in the first year, and gradually the fog lifts and the pain comes back again as reality sets in. One thing I like about this forum is the honesty ,no sugar coating, that grief sucks, that it can bring you to your knees, that some days we fall into the pit of despair and sorrow again even though we felt progress is being made. The truth is that the holidays are very hard for everyone it magnifies sorrow and loss. There are always going to be trigger days like birthdays, mother's or father's day, thanksgiving and so on, but the fact is that we all crumble from time to time just from the weight of sorrow and that is ok. There may not be a trigger, it is just impossible to force down inside those emotions any more and they erupt. That is ok, sob, wail, scream, and feel it all, let out that anguish and pain, immerse yourself and let it all go. You will emerge exhausted and drained but actually a little better mentally although you may not realise it at the time. That release is good it gives you a starting point to again pick yourself up and keep going. there is no way other than up when you are at the lowest point. you are stronger than you realise and you have made it this far. i believe in human kindness and am sure you will get some help if you ask for it. We are here for you to emotionally support you don't forget that. take care sherry I did virus scans etc then told the moderator the screen name and it vanished. However there is still one chinese note on the log in page I just ignore it. I like the idea of a lighted wreath welcoming people to your home. It is interesting to read all the different ways people celebrate and or decorate for the holidays we are all so individual and in different time scales but whatever we choose to do, or not do, is ok, because the love for our spirit children shines through brightly in each one of us. Our children are still with us they are always with us, and we should do whatever we are comfortable with, and taking it just one day at a time. I feel lucky to be part of this community knowing i can post and get answers quickly and that the sorrow I feel is echoed and understood, that in itself brings a sliver of peace, thanks friends.
  9. Helping a friend

    karen bnp what a generous friend you are to find help for your grieving friend. i do not have any recommendations but you could suggest she joins us here on the loss of n adult child thread where she can get some support from other bereaved parents until she finds a suitable counsellor. it does take time to find someone you connect with and feel comfortable with before you trust enough to open up. i wish you luck in your search
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    see Luanne you are needed and your opinions valid. the holidays are tough for all of us. Let us all support each other, when one or two are down the others can help pick them up and so the circle of care continues. All of us are important. Dianne I bet the slideshow really helped, going through photos is really hard, so having you and your hubby there to help was very important and undoubtedly made a sad occasion a little easier. using your own knowledge of grief is invaluable help. No one knows grief like those who have walked that path personally. susan Veto is adorable precious photos. I have put up my decorations but the tree still needs doing. It does not feel the same anymore but that is ok I am doing it for my other children. i often still feel really numb. I have always had a soft heart and would cry over sad books or movies etc but now find that although I still feel touched I do not cry. probably because i have shed so many tears over the last couple years, and also the fact that once you lose a child nothing else seems to compare. I have bought Tommy's ornament for the tree for this year and will once I am paid will send a check to my local homeless centre in Tommy's name as his Xmas present. paying it forward like dianne said. You never know when you will need the generosity of others as life can be really crappy so helping others is important.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    louann we all hear you. Your pain and misplaced guilt need help to be reined in otherwise you yourself will buckle under the strain of carrying them. As my friends have suggested so eloquently in their posts seeking more help is really essential to your well being and also for your family's well being too. Giving up is not an option you are needed by so many people. The holidays definitely magnify loss i think we all feel that. just remember you have come this far and there are many friends on this site who also care about you. Your posts have always been kind and thoughtful i think your depression is twisting your self belief and esteem making you believe you are not good enough. Read these posts ,we value you and your opinions and want you to come out of the dark place you are in because you are worth it and deserve some peace and healing after losing Kira. We are all here to hold your hand ok?
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    thanks Kate. I had a call to say my surgery has been postponed until jan 11th. We are very fortunate to have a National Health service with free health care paid for in our taxes. one of the issues that poses is a wait time for non urgent surgeries. I am 19 months on from the original ankle fractures with chronic pain so waiting a bit longer is not an issue. Actually it also means i will be stable over the Xmas period too, ok walking is limited but at least I can walk with a stick and boot and can still drive until the day of my op so a bit more freedom. The surgery itself will be day surgery with a recovery time of more than 6months and physiotherapy afterward. it will be fine I am kind of used to anaesthetics and ops now having had 5 already on this stupid ankle. The big downside of having severe osteoporosis, but hey things could be worse so I'll take it! Our weather is all over the place too. It has been very mild then we had a cold spell with near freezing temps now milder again but with another cold snap forecast. We very very rarely get snow here in the south west unless it is a sprinkling. It has been mainly dry though. I have had to use my blue light box most days as the winter sun is very low and weak, not enough to hold the SAD off.
  13. Not sure what to put

    romansdad i was wondering how you are doing? It is really hard to remain positive about life and to celebrate when you have been through the worst loss ever. It takes time. As you gradually heal you will find the anger and bitterness fade and you will be able to be there for your other children in the way you want. losing a child rocks your world shatters your reality and makes you lose faith in living we have all been there believe me. it sounds like you without realising it went into determination mode at the beginning and forged ahead helping others because that was being a positive role model. Yes it was and I am sure you helped a lot of families, but you kind of lost sight of your own grieving which also demands your attention. It is really painful but so so important to focus on your own self your inner core and work through your feelings and emotions honestly, which seems you neglected. That is why you feel so angry and why you cannot offer hope to your bereaved friend. It is hell and he will find that out for himself. You do feel deadened to the world and joyless and it takes a long time to recover positivity and find some peace and even some joy in life. You are undoubtedly very changed by your trauma and it is hard to accept the new reality and get to know yourself again. I hope you can find a good therapist who will help you to work through your anger and unresolved feelings so that you can become the gentle loving dad to your other child again. He is just as confused and fearful and angry too and are looking to his parents for role modelling and guidance in a world that totally changed for him too. The new baby coming soon will also help in your healing she will need you to be emotionally healthy and so will your wife. The fact that you reached out on this site proves a desire to heal a recognition that things just are not right for you, and the willingness to work on yourself is the greatest gift you can give to your family. Good luck and let us know what is going on and how you are coping ok? You are not alone
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne how awful for your cousin. To lose a child and not know because he was so reclusive is terribly sad my heart goes out to her. i am glad she has you to help her through this traumatic time. We all know the emotions and thoughts that surround a parent when they lose their child. At least he was found and can be interred and a service held in his memory for those he left behind. Sadly some people do prefer an isolated existence cutting themselves off from family and friends to live alone whether they have mental issues or not, but I am sure that was a source of great anxiety and sadness for your cousin over time. I am glad your daughter will be with you perhaps she can help to lift your spirits. We spend our lives preparing our children for the world and to fly the nest but it is hard when we cannot see them as often because they live in other cities. I kind of hanker for the good old days when all the family used to live in the same town and had more opportunity to gather together, but understand times have changed and you need to go where jobs are available. susan I was glad to hear from you and hope the polyp gets sorted so you can enjoy food again without pain and throwing up. that must have been horrible and I definitely get your desire for real food again. tina i agree with dee that medications are very specific to each individual. I think it may be a case of trying an anti depressant with or without an anti anxiety medication and see how you go. It takes a few weeks to get into your system. Anti depressant therapy for me is a life long necessity without them I crash and burn, but for some people may only be necessary for a few months. they don't fix you or whatever you are going through but they stop the crashing lows and kind of even out your mood a little so that you can be more objective and calmer.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    ok technical question for computer peeps. on the main page I have all these weird chinese posts by adam19976. They just came up and I want to know how to block this user as it appears to be possibly a virus thing? help!! my language settings on the forum are obviously set to English.
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    sandy how thoughtful to have a cake for your grand daughters so they can celebrate their mum's birthday. I wish you peace tomorrow a bittersweet day for you all. to have two such close friends battling advanced cancer must be so hard for you. I do not get why some people do not get a break from worry and sorrow. It was so thoughtful of you to take your husband all that way for his sister's funeral so he could spend time with his siblings. dementia is a cruel cruel disease as you sadly know snatching away memories and physically disabling too. i hope you took lots of photos so you can reignite his memories of his family. dee just do what feels right to celebrate the holidays. Sometimes new things are good, and sometimes the old traditions feel best, and each year can be different as we all progress further on the road toward healing. I hope everyone posts pictures so we can all share each other's choices, that would be kind of special. I am sorry your friend is so unwell, cancer is the pits. Your words to Cheryl were just beautiful May you find goodness in all those around you and sweet memories that can offer you a glimpse, a reminder that the love that was present in your daily world, is still present, but just different. The love is forever, nothing can take that away. leah it is distressing to hear your grand daughters fighting online but you always fight more with those you love as part of that sibling thing. you need to take care of you and let them figure it out, and they will. I am sorry, you must feel so frustrated that things are taking so long to work out when you know family belong together. here is hoping things soon change and you too can have a successful outcome with your sena dianne i always think of balloons as freeing as they float up to the sky. How lovely to get a sign on Thanksgiving, treasure it because signs are so special. I had one the other day. I was looking for charity xmas cards but in all the stores I visited, they were all a bit expensive. Finally i found some in a local cheap store, three packs for the price of two, and one of the three charities they give proceeds to was called Tommie's and was a children's charity. Meant to be I think. Dianne yes I feel we have definitely reconnected, thank you for your kind words I think it took me a while because i was in a dark place and I cannot say enough how glad I am that you have come back! tina having job issues is not pleasant and i sincerely hope some good opportunities come your way. Sometimes a change is forced upon us but ultimately it can be a good thing even if it is scary at first. laurie how fantastic that your grandson will be coming to you, the relief must be huge. Enjoy all being together. cheryl the second holiday for me too was incredibly hard, more so than the first because I too was out of it. This will be my third this year and I find myself approaching it in a more positive frame of mind because I am adjusting and I want Xmas to be a special time again. Good luck with the group, you may be a little more ready now as time has gone on, and you have found some more valuable inner strength. please let us know how you get on ok? kate I am glad you missed us and came back, I really feel we are a strong community together. I used to have a family of foxes in my yard in the USA and loved watching them too. Sherry your words perfectly sum up the holidays, thank you . As we all approach the holidays, each one of us has feelings of stress, anxiety, and sorrow. Sending up prayers that we all can somehow find the strength to get us through the times.....(though sometimes it seems like such a long stretch).....and draw on our dear memories of our darlings.....the treasures that we hold dear, and that no one can ever take from us. georgina hope you are doing ok? To all the other indigoes that I may have forgotten to name personally keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina you will always remember your boy and he is still with you. I think people forget birthdays more than angel dates but it does not mean that your boy is not thought about by family and friends. We will be here to remember along with you. kate glad you are back your thoughtful insights are very soothing. I missed the group when i was absent and have lots of posts to catch up on. dianne I am also thinking of you and hope you are doing ok. The holiday season kind of magnifies everything, there are lots of family orientated adverts etc which make you more aware of the empty seat and missing member in photographs. Well I am back after a while having processed the emotions I was being overwhelmed by. As dee put so accurately when she said your heart feels stomped over. This was a major loss and a very close connection to Tommy which I think tipped the balance. It was quite scary falling down again feeling very emotional and a bit out of control. I know my family were all worried but I just asked them to allow me some space and time to grieve. Sleepless nights did not help my fragility either. Still I think I am back on my feet again and determined to face the holiday season keeping busy with gift buying and wrapping etc. being honest about what is going on I believe is key especially to our newer members who may think some of us have it pretty sussed when in reality we are paddling madly beneath the surface too. It is important to give hope and share stories of being ready to move on as well.
  18. Loss of an Adult Child

    this last week has been awful. Losing Mikey has amplified everything and i feel i have fallen back into a pit of sorrow. Tommy i miss you so much and Mikey I miss you too. Just struggling to keep afloat right now.
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    besides other things I am thankful for this site which connects me to others seeking healing and offer support and care. I confess I am sad that two long standing members who have left is probably down to my words in a post which I immediately publicly apologised for and was actually a misinterpretation of what I actually meant. I always try to offer kindness and support and am honest but careful of others feelings which can be raw or quickly offended. i thought about stepping away myself because I had failed people but I hope that I am still considered a good resource of help here, and because it helps me too. I finally wrote a letter to my friend who lost her son to a drug overdose last week. I have not been able to call her because firstly I did not want to intrude upon her in the shock of grief and also because I could not talk to her without breaking down myself which is not helpful. My son's best friend was very dear to us and like family and I confess my mood has really plummeted since he died, I have definitely taken some steps backwards but I know that I will process it and eventually come out the other side ok. The time difference between the States and UK is difficult we are 5hours ahead and that impacts availability. i hope that we can communicate by letter/email and I can be some comfort to her. having Tommy's longest and best friend pass suddenly has brought up a lot of emotions and I thank you all for being there for me.
  20. Not sure what to put

    romansdad I am so sorry you lost your baby it must have been an agonizing 59 days. your symptoms definitely describe PTSD which was caused by the trauma of what you witnessed and experienced. It is very common after the loss of a child because that in itself is a life altering horrendous occurence. This means you are kind of stuck in a loop cycle replaying over and over again. The stress of that cycle affects sleep quality and causes emotion changes like those you describe. Anger is also very common but in itself destructive, men tend to get stuck in that stage of grief longer than women because they feel as the protector of the family they let people down and should be able to deal better with the situation and life afterwards. There is a very effective therapy called EMDR for treatment of PTSD which forces you to replay the trauma and vocalize all the emotions aloud several times until you are able to feel that release of internal pressure and start making peace with the fact there was nothing more you could do, and begin to soften that hard outer shell to allow yourself to heal and become emotionally connected again in a healthy way. I do not believe in god either after i lost my 24 year old son in 2015 but I do believe that people come into your life for a reason. Coming here and asking for some understanding of what has happened to you is a big step forward you realise that you need some help and support. Most of us parents post on the loss of an adult child thread at the top of the page which has a huge number of views. It keeps us all in the same place and we can form friendships with each other. It is regularly used with postings every day pretty much so there will be messages of support and advice regularly. It is important to deal with your problem before the next birth of your daughter so that you are able to bond with her which I feel sure you will, babies are just so helpless and adorable. Also you recognize that your feelings are impacting all the family not always positively. Glad you are sober it is very easy to slide into dependence of alcohol or drugs to numb the pain and blot things out but that is a slippery slope onto disaster. Anti depressants are good because they flatten out the highs and lows and help you to begin to make sense of what happened. Just because you have tried therapy or counselling does not mean it does not work. Either it was too soon after and you were not emotionally ready or it was not a therapist you felt a connection with. I would urge you to find another therapist and try EMDR treatment to help you. There are a couple other fathers on our thread but obviously we cannot influence their posting, but ther are plenty of wise bereaved mums who can help too. please join us and dont give up hope that this will be your life forever
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    I hope all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving have a busy and family filled day. Yes there will be an empty chair, a special person missing but I hope you can share memories of happier times so there may be some smiles amongst the tears. thinking of you all this holiday.
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    kate I am so sad to see you leave but thank you for the years of support you have selflessly given to help others in their time of need. You will be missed. However I am glad to hear you say you have found peace after losing Jeff this is a milestone we all hope one day to reach. It is indeed a healthy sign and you are so right, Jeff is with you always and forever. Newer members do need to try and fill your absence so that this forum continues to be a beacon of light in a dark world.
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne and I have been in communication after I inadvertently upset her with my post. She has accepted my apology but has decided to step away for a little while to regain her strength and purpose. We all know how that feels. Keep her in your thoughts and I hope she will return when she feels ready. The angel date is the worst date of the year yet there are also other dates that cause us distress and make us stumble especially around the holidays. tina I like the natural tree it is different, simple yet beautiful. I am sorry for your friend's loss. I am struggling with the loss of Tommy's friend Mikey. I have been very sad and often tearful and lacking in energy since I heard the news. it kind of compound your own personal loss. Just when you think you are doing ok a big bump in the road knocks you off your feet and you fall down again. That is sadly part of the journey lots of falls, but gradually you find your feet again and get up. jean it is wonderful you will hold your thanksgiving dinner with your family. There will probably be tears but also I hope some remembrances of happy times. This will be the first time i do not hold Thanksgiving dinner since moving back to the UK. my children are all away working and saving some holiday to come down for Xmas. My parents and sister obviously dont celebrate it and dont like some of the American dishes but I will wish you all well and hope you enjoy Thanksgiving as much as you are able to. my garden is pretty colourless and sleeping which makes me sad. I am concentrating on growing cacti and always have a bunch of flowers in my family room. Just as we need to hibernate away from everything sometimes so my garden needs to enter a rest period before coming back to life in the spring i just need to be patient and let Nature do its thing.
  24. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne I am so so sorry, I think you misinterpreted my words? The day you lost Michael had to be the worst day of your entire life. Being told those words that your child has gone is appalling. I can clearly remember falling to my knees and howling when I was told Tommy had gone. I absolutely did not mean that it is just another day like any other,of course not, I would never say that, I meant that date is comprised of 24 hours to hold on through because it is such a painful date. It is a day of such sadness and will always be a day that causes tremendous anguish. You like all of us will grieve for the rest of our lives, how could we not? We adored our spirit children, and they will be with us for a lifetime until we are reunited once again. I am so so sorry that i caused offence it was absolutely not meant that way, I was trying to offer some comfort to you. I am horrified to think I inadvertently upset you dianne i would not do that for the world. Your words wisdom and advice have meant a great deal to me over the 15 or so months i have been on this site, and for that I thank you.
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina I am glad you attended the gathering so nice to be with people who understand the truth of loss. I truly believe that sharing about our spirit children connects us with others and the ones who are further along can send out hope to those still at the beginning. Yellow is my favourite colour because it is the colour of sunshine. I liked the story you shared. It is important that we do wear bright colours to show we are still living life even without our child. Wearing something bright lifts your mood just a little. Fields of gold is a beautiful song that is balm to the soul. jean such good advice above from our members. The early days are so hard emotions all over the place and you feel like you are losing your mind. celebrating special events will now always be bittersweet because someone special is missing but it is so important to still gather and celebrate for those still here to feel special too. dee glad you are feeling better. Being unwell drags your soul down with it, twice as hard. Cried when i heard the Joni mitchel song which is good, tears are healing. dianne I am aware of your countdown and the stress it brings up. It is ok to feel that way it is normal, but it is a day after all. Try to use it as a day of fond remembrances and mark it in the way you feel best. colleen great photo of the family. as parents we hold the loss more acutely. Our other children grow up and some have their own children and they never forget their sibling but become accustomed to their absence quicker than parents. We are acutely aware of someone missing always. kate I too am trying to get xmas shopping done early. My next ankle surgery is dec 14th and i will be back in a wheelchair and using a walking frame to hop about so pretty housebound. I also get too overwhelmed with crowds of people makes me anxious. for the most part I can avoid Xmas music because I do not leave the house much because of limited ability with walking but I will have to prep myself for when my kids come down they blast the old songs out to get them in the mood. Some of you lucky ones have snow! carpets the landscape in a dazzling fresh white and softens every structure beautiful (except if you are driving in it) Here it is cool with temps dropping to about the freezing mark at night. I needed to find something to replace my garden over the winter because it makes me so sad. So now I have started learning about and growing small cacti. i am making a terrarium for each of my daughters for xmas and starting my collection of cacti and succulents. My sister raised her eyebrows and commented I had lost the plot again! Actually my family are happy I am making efforts to keep sane in the winter months so I don't lose my progress. Several of Mikey's friends have contacted me on FB and we have talked about his loss. many of them also knew my Tommy they have always been connected. I am able to accept Mikey's passing more easily because I know how tormented by guilt he was over his drug use and the anxiety he caused his family, and now he is finally ok and at peace. This is the first loss i have experienced since Tommy passed. i know it won't be the last but i have the tools I learned in counselling to take each thought apart examine it and put it away. There is always healing in tears. i have a photo of the two boys together in 2011 i think holding onto each other and roaring with laughter which i put in a frame on my Tommy shelf, makes me smile.