Tommy's mum

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  1. miley you have come to a safe place to be with new friends who truly understand your pain. My son was a drug addict for several years we went through all the fears and anxieties of his choices and behaviours whilst high it was terrifying. We did not lose him to drugs ultimately he got clean and sober but was killed in a fall trying to save his suicidal friend. Even though we all lost our children in different ways we are all forged together by the loss and grief and come here to share and be supported. Post as and when you can and know you will never be misjudged only supported. devianz i am so sorry about your mum to face a potential loss again is heartbreaking. Take care. louann you and your family are taking such positive steps forward I am so glad, time to leave some darkness behind you and move on into the sunshine. I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder about 14 years ago and take zolpidem. several times we have tried weaning off but it does not work and i become chronically sleep deprived which is very bad for my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so I just take them. On a slightly weird note when i was in the intensive care on a ventilator for over a week the dr's had the hardest time sedating me. They kept commenting that I was impossible to keep unconscious even though i had had enough meds to sedate a horse1 Eventually I was kept on propofol (spellled wrong/) anyway it is the anaesthetic that killed michael Jackson. Weird how our bodies react. see how you go but a dr visit would be helpful as sometimes your body gets accustomed to meds and feels a withdrawal when stopping them. I find I need to be in bed by 10 30pm at the latest else my body gets a second wind and I am awake all night. Exeercise for me actually makes me more awake but works for some people. I read an article today on pink noise which shows an improvement in better quality sleep. I googled and found a website on youtube that has a 10hr playlist which I am going to try. sounds a bit like an untuned radio channel but has had good results with babies and adults who have problems sleeping. Like everything you need to do it for a couple weeks to gauge success or failure. It is non invasive and free worth a shot? my son had his 21st bday and it was really great. His gf came down and they went out drinking and clubbing with his sister and close cousin. I was still awake when they got back in at 4ooam and chatted to him. he sat on the bed and began to cry saying it was so hard to have a birthday 4 days after his brother died because his birthday just does not feel the same. he said he is always sad and drinks too much to try and forget and have a good time. I was so sad for him. he does not show his feelings much about his brother says most of the time he is doing ok but shows that emotions come out when you are vulnerable and defences are down. bless him. kate you and your ross show such humanity and compassion. Love and care go a long way and are in short enough supply in this world esp with all the violent acts occuring it is so nice to hear about positive acts of kindness. loving all the photos from everyone. I dont post pics of my kids because they would not like it and also i am very computer illiterate! Will try and get some more ofmy Tommy though as he is the reason I am on here. take care all enjoy the eclipse we wont get it here but a celestial event is always quite magical.
  2. This photo was shared by one of Tommy's friends taken in their local area in PA. Guess that's a sign!
  3. somersky it will be ok i promise just sometimes you find yourself just panicking and drowning in emotions and feeling totally overwhelmed and that life is not worth all the pain. I get it and it is totally normal for someone in your stage of grief. I know it is terrifying to feel that loss of control and you feel so alone but just hang in there one minute at a time deep slow breaths then another minute and you can get a grip just cope one minute at a time and then a bit longer. make sure someone is with you to help support you when you feel that overwhelmed or call someone. my email is if that helps anytime? louann has been there in that same scenario as your family and it is awful. she is making great progress after stalling for years because of unresolved guilt. It takes a long time to get to aplace of peace and acceptance and a lot of therapy counselling and or medications and that is ok. Letting it all out and not holding it in is definitely the best way because otherwise it festers inside and pops up years later causing a secondary grief. Louann is experiencing that now and bless her is doing better and helping others with her experiences. The percentage of bringing anyone back from a cardiac arrest is less than 10% did you know? Also the odds do not rise even if it happens in a hospital with all the medications equipment and doctors around so how can you blame yourself for your son dying? It is just an awful tragic occurence you did your best and your child knows that. Skylar is still with you every day by your side you just cannot see or hear him for now but he is there with you always. kate and dee thanks for your kind words. Certainly 2years on I am definitely in a better place by no means ok but better and I'll take that. Slow improvements right? I believe it is like a puzzle, you pick a piece and focus on resolving your feelings and actions and then go onto the next piece. It cannot be rushed and has to be done a step at a time else it is too overwhelming. Sometimes you get lost and cant find the right piece but eventually it makes sense and slots together. Gradually the whole picture is revealed and it is a closeup of your very own child smiling, and you have done it! You have made it through the grief journey and it makes a bit more sense and you eventually feel a sense of acheivement that you have succeeded, that you did not give up or throw the puzzle in the closet to hide it. That is when you can look back and know you could not change the outcome but you can change your life for the better and do things in memory of your child in positive ways. the sadness will always be there but it will become more manageable as time goes by. louann when you are all in a better space you should definitely go to England or Europe and take Kira's picture with you. You will be taking her with you and seeing where she wanted to be, some place different is a good thing. One day if I ever get the money (lottery win, please!) i intend to go to Hawaii and lay flowers there for Tommy and meet the people who cared about him and maybe go on some of the walks he did. it is ok that I didnt make it there whilst he was alive we will still be visiting together just in a different form. do not let grief limit you or hold you back instead do the things Kira wanted to do and celebrate doing them for her. It will be the right thing to do. She will be so happy that you did it for her and for your healing.
  4. motherofanangel12017 I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. How sudden and awful and scary. I hope the autopsy gives you some answers that will rest your mind a little although it does sound likely that it was SIDS sudden infant death syndrome which cannot be predicted or prevented.i am so saddened that you could not have had more time with him but like all of us it is never long enough never long enough. You and your boyfriend sound like you were great parents and the love for your baby shines through. You will forever miss him but in time a long time the pain will fade more and you will find the light again. There is never enough answers the why my child? is something we have all struggled with. I hope your faith helps you in these dark days and you have come to the right place for understanding and support. Take care
  5. Here is a posy of flowers grown from my garden that I took for Tommy. The church is from Norman times originating from the 1400's and the graveyard is so peaceful up on the hillside overlooking the sea with wild grasses and wild flowers. My youngest daughter Emily actually asked to come with me ( that is her holding the posy) I was stunned and so grateful. We sat and cried together and talked it was very powerful and I felt some peace. It is not just one day that you grieve it is every day as we all know too well and I have found myself tearing up at odd brief moments since then. I sent my usual email to the university of Manoa in Hawaii asking politely for installation of dorm window locks and received a reply the next day saying that there is a different chancellor now and my email has been passed onto him. i know i am just one solitary person asking for an expensive safety upgrade but I hope one day they will do it. Also I am reminding them about Tommy every year and reminding them there is a grieving family who live with that loss every day. As parents we need to do what we can to effect change whether it be road safety signs, or speed limit, local laws or foundations just in memory of our children.. my son is down for a couple days as he turns 21 on sunday!! and my daughter will be living with me and finding a job her for a few months. i do treasure the times I have with them especially as I now know these can be cut short. I hope you all have a good weekend and thanks again for your continued support .
  6. devianz thinking of you on Nathan's birthdate it is a sad sad day but also the start date of all your memories of him. Be peaceful feel loved. Tinay sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, let us know how you are doing when you can, take care. louann as dee says go forward, leave that guilt and regret behind it is a heavy burden that you have to shrug off so you can begin finding peace and acceptance. thank you all for your thoughts and care for me on Tommy's angel date. I made it through. Will post later with details still feel very exhausted and wrungout common after breaking down.
  7. allenb missed you posting how are you doing? The pain never fully goes away I am afraid but very very slowly it eases as you learn to cope with your new normal and gradually reconcile that life will be very different from now on. Each year that passes makes you reflect on different aspects and some peace can be found but the loss is forever we all know that. How is the counselling going? My son's angelversary is tomorrow, it will be 2yrs since he was killed. I am still desperately sad but accept this is what happened and with the help of the parents on this forum am making slow progress. keep in touch share when you want whatever you want and know you are thought of even when you don't .
  8. louann wow what a breakthrough! You can see clearly now that forward moving and thinking positively letting go of misplaced guilt and regrets i s key to healing. Talking with Kira is very important. I am not sure that regretting being able to do CPR on her is a healthy regret. Parents who have had to do so are still scarred by the experience. It still failed, no magic saving of a life despite desperate frantic attempts. There is never a good death whether you are there at the time or not, whether you have to make a decision to stop life support or not it is still a death and we have to accept what circumstances are given to us. There is no point regretting what you did or did not do, say think feel it is done it is in the past. What you do now is the important thing surviving and learning to thrive in spite of your loss. Our precious children are gone from this earth nothing will ever change that we have to find a way to accept that fact and move on positively one step at a time and one day at a time. remembering good times happy memories etc is vital because it demonstrates the uniqueness that was your daughter she would love to hear people reminiscing over silly things she said and did. We are luckier than a lot of people because we did get given the privilege of being a parent and all that it entails even though our children were taken too soon. there are so many people who have never experienced the wonder of being pregnant and bringing up a child it is an incredible gift and we all need to consider how lucky we have been. I am buoyed up by the stories of recovery from grief and suggestions to cope from our group, the continued support is heartwarming. Being honest about your feelings and thoughts is a valuable gift that I thank you all for. Tommy's angelversary is tomorrow and although I dread the day itself and all that it dredges up I feel that 2 years on and with an increase in my antidepressants and support from you all I am in a better mind space. My youngest daughter is home for a while after finishing her degree so will be around but we grieve differently. I will make my plans to spend time with Tommy then spend some time alone with my thoughts because i don't want to upset her. She is free to do what she needs to do, if she wants to talk about him we will, if she prefers to avoid the subject we will. I know she will not come to the church graveyard with me which is my special place because I took my overdose there and it has traumatic memories for her, and that is ok I like the solitude and peace I feel up there on the cliff overlooking the sea. dee the hatred and bigotry demonstrated in Virginia is a sad reflection on humanity. i hope there will be continued efforts to support tolerance, acceptance, and love towards each other. Krider75 it is a wonderful gesture to find some support for your much loved aunt. She has to find her own way here when she is ready if that is something she wants to do we welcome everyone. With the loss of anyone special and especially a child/adult child there are emotions and actions that need to be dealt with before being ready to open yourself up to grieve. That can take a long time to get to because of shock denial fear etc some parents take months or years to open up. it needs to be done in your aunts own time when she is ready. We shall be here if and when she needs us.
  9. trevorsmomma I am so sorry you have to deal with the shock pain and anguish of losing your son it is a horror beyond words. As dianne says the thread loss of an adult child is the most frequently used thread with quick answers suggestions and discussions. We have parents who have lost their child/children in many ways, some to suicide, and we are a friendly group who offer support and encouragement to others in that situation because we know how it feels, the crazy thoughts and emotions, the deep deep sorrow, the fear and anxiety and we want you to know you are not alone ok?
  10. dee kate mermaidtears, sherry colleen gretchen wise words my friends spoken from the heart of experience and given as gifts of hope to our friend louann who needs to take the steps away from self denial guilt and grief and step forward slowly back into living. Do not wither away consumed by sadness you are a wonderful person, mother and wife who is needed. make a conscious decision that you will put away the negativity associated with her death and move forward a few steps at a time. Eat and enjoy pizza, go to the mall, swing on the swings in the park, fly a kite running across the ground, sing, take up a hobby, show your inner crazy like you used to. Believe me it will feel so good to relax and be you again and invaluable to all your family. Kira will be so proud of you she is your cheerleader and would be the first one to tell you "Enough now Mum I hate to see you like this.It breaks my heart to see you suffering when actually I am totally ok here. I want you and dad to be happy again and for our family to be back where we should be. Please do this for me. i will see you again when its the right time and we shall have lots to catch up on then after we hug of course. My life was cut short but it was a worthwhile happy life. Live Mum, live for me". She is with you all the time, she hears what you say, she knows what you are thinking and feeling, she will never be gone from your side. Show her what you can acheive it will be worth it I promise. Sending hugs xx
  11. one other thing. Louann please do not let your daughter's death be the catalyst that stops you in your tracks, feeling like a hermit and unable to let your grief go. I know how grief becomes a part of you and it is scary to let those negative feelings go. Your precious Kira wants you to remember happy times, things she said or did, funny old photos etc. She would not want you or her dad to drift without being able to connect because she knows togetherness is the way forward. I still cant look at old photos but I can reminisce about Tommy with other people and even smile when a memory hits me. The pain will always be there but I am aiming to get to a different place in my life eventually where I can see past the loss of my son and not let it define me. I want that for you so badly, and also for each and everyone of us on this site.
  12. dee I gotta agree with you i would not trade one day that i did have with my Tommy either. He had ADHD and Bipolar both of which he later chose not to take medications for not surprisingly it was rough going. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol to try and counteract the mood swings and deep depression. It was very tough going for several years but I am so glad to say he finally did the 12 step program accepted a higher power and got clean. We all struggled with his addiction and behaviour but I guess it taught us all some understanding of the helplessness and dependency on other substances to control mood. There were some very rough and scary moments but I never gave up on him always telling him I loved him and was proud he was trying, tho very clear I did not like or approve of his choices or behaviours. practising tough love was very hard indeed I felt like a failure but knew it was the right thing to do. His father my ex was the total opposite he enabled him and totally denied our son had addiction problems for years. When Tommy went to Hawaii and cut off contact with everyone he kept me in his life for which I am forever grateful, because he knew his Mum would always love him no matter what unconditionally. Tommy only messaged me over the next couple years I had no address (he was homeless for a while) and no tel number but messages popped up in my inbox every 3 to 4 weeks and I had to accept that was all he felt able to give. I did have one skype phone call from him a week before he died which was incredibly precious and we had another scheduled the day he was killed which did not take place. i thank you Tommy for all you taught me, about the power of la mother's love for a very difficult child/ young adult, for seeing you crazy happy doing stupid things, for the compassion and understanding you showed to your friends who also struggled with addiction or low self esteem, or depression or anxiety or other disorders. for your unbiased acceptance of other cultures and creeds, for your great hugs, for your love for your siblings, for your intelligent conversations and debates with me, for allowing me to see your vulnerabilities and pain, for showing me different perspectives in the world, for introducing some of your friends to me. There are so many things you taught me that far outweigh the pain and fear of your addiction. I remember the smell of you, the feel of your arms around me, the fuzz of your unshaven face, your laugh and beaming cheeky grin, the softness of your hair. I treasure it all it is locked safely in my memories and my heart. i don't regret a day just regret that you were snuffed out too soon before you could help more people using your life experiences. You died a hero saving your friend and your story went around the world and touched lives. You may have been taken too soon but your actions live on in all of your family. You used to say YOLO (you only live once) and you did, you packed a load of things adventures and experiences into your short life. Now it is upto those of us left behind to try and go on without you each day and try to make changes for others as you did and make you proud. I love you son ,NO REGRETS, you were a gift I am proud to have been given.
  13. hiboson33 I am alittle confused what do you mean by confess all the truth? Is that a religious reference?
  14. laurie what a moving poem and so accurate in the descriptions. Thanks for sharing. dee the timeline therapy is interesting i have not heard of that before but i can see it would be very beneficial. i find I go up and down without reason sometimes but as you said before you go with the flow. louann we all struggle at different times for different reasons and the great thing about this site is that there are always friends who help to pick you up and make you feel less alone. posting is therapeutic it forces you to put the words down that are most painful to your heart. It takes time to be able to write about the death of your child but slowly it becomes a little easier to write. After reading or posting I often go on quote sites to read them which i find helpful. I look for ones to share but also they speak to how I feel and the knowledge that others get the craziness the overwhelming sorrow the yearning etc help me. sometimes i will listen to music and let the lyrics envelop me. it is important to let yourself feel those emotions even if they are painful. The guilt is the hardest thing to resolve but there is nothing more you could have done to save your girl you need to let it go. It happened, there was nothing you can change about that tragic day, there will never be a different outcome, good people die unexpectedly. The most important thing is to be able to accept those facts and put the guilt away. it is vital to your wellbeing and those of your family to try and find something positive about losing your child whether it is a charity fun run or collecting for a defibrillator for a public building or volunteering, just something to honour your girl's memory. i know that being positive seems impossible at times, I struggle with that too, we all do, but it is vital to recognise better days and do things for yourself so that you keep on trying. We are all learning to adjust it takes time and patience and determination. We will be with you all the way ok? dianne I feel that slight distance, kind of feeling almost like you are an observer more than a natural participant even when with those you love. It is not conscious i think it is because we have been so badly broken by our losses we are subconsciously trying to protect ourself from being hurt again. we are not the same people we were before it is a process of learning to accept our different personalities. Also because we try and put a fake face on sometimes to make people around us happier it feels like a lot of things we do feel like an act as well. Wow it is so complicated isn't it? I hope everyone finds a bit of soul sunshine this week. My objective is doing some much overdue weeding, ripping out the negative smothering weeds so the flowers can see the sun.
  15. dee you put it so well. I see very few people anyway so have not experienced too much ignorance but my sister is a former counsellor so I guess i expected better. I guess i should not have an expectation when it is something she has not gone through. I know she saved my life and probably feels some frustration that i am not happier but that is what the reality is. We all do the best we can each day and at least here we are understood.
  16. Thank you for your thoughts on my sister's tactless comments.I could not sleep because I was so mad at her words. If it was as simple as having a positive outlook on life there would be no more depression in this world. I am working on myself a day at a time doing the best I can. An indulgence is a pleasurable treat and this forum is not a treat. It is informative and compassionate and wise, caring and personal. No I am not indulging my grief I am doing my best to get through it like all of us are. I look forward to reading your posts, I cry over some things and am happy over others, but always I learn from them. I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of this caring community especially as I live alone so do not have a partner or my adult children with me. Sorry I am on a bit of a rant but I wanted to share with you all how tactless comments can have deep impacts and it is purely because they don't get it, (lucky for them.) A day at a time is the best way and get up the next day vowing to get a couple of things acheived. I know my sister cares deeply and wants me to be happy but she also needs to recognise I need to find my own way there in my own time in my own way which will differ from the way she thinks grief and depression should be handled. We are all uniquely and beautifully different. I thank you all for your courage in sharing your stories and showing vulnerability, and for helping all of us. I am looking at yoga and breathing and exercises done in a chair as additional helps. OK rant over now for some zzzz's hopefully!!
  17. laurie i agree that sometimes people are ignorant about grieving. My sister who I am close to told me yesterday that I needed to stop indulging myself with grief and the forum! I needed to make myself do things and not be lazy. Interesting I thought. It is not laziness that makes me lethargic and uncaring about things it is depression which makes me tired all the time and reluctant to get stuff done. I do not choose to be this way I don't like it either but ultimately I don't really care about stuff like I used to. Time passes each day and I feel I merely exist instead of participating in it. My sister does not have depression a sleep disorder or fibromyalgia with the chronic fatigue so she does not get it. I understand I must be a source of frustration to others because i am not making the most of my life but when you just don't care it is what it is. i kind of just want to be left alone.
  18. Devianz I hope you continue to improve and the pet scan goes well. Grief weakens the immune system too so physical health suffers and self care is important especially when recognising things are not right within your body. gretchen I am glad you shared about the reading and i hope you find your special place to be able to communicate with Forrest. We all look for signs to boost us up from our spirit children. dee you are so right that there does not need to be a trigger to make us feel lower in spirits, I guess it is a case of getting through it until a better day or two comes along, going with the flow right?
  19. jojovols i am so sorry you lost your precious baby girl so suddenly. SIDS is an awful thing so sudden and inexplicable often with no illness beforehand. i used to work in NICU and we had several babies that would have been cot deaths and were only saved because they were inpatients and being monitored already. They were healthy and only there to grow. We also had an actual cot death in the time I was there in the nursery a couple of days before discharge so therefore no electrical monitoring such as apnoea alarms. It was very shocking for all of us as well as the family and shows how random SIDS is. Most of us post on the loss of an adult child thread because it is the most active and replies are much quicker. Anyone can post there regardless of the age of the child we are all bereaved parents who are going through the loss the same as you and it is comforting to be around people who really get it because they have been there. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of a child it is within your heart for life and we understand that only too well. people who have never been faced with that stark painful reality would never judge you and tell you it has been long enough because it is never long enough, never. it is important to speak to a counsellor or trained professional to help you with your depression because fighting it alone rarely works. many of us have taken antidepressant medication to help and your doctor does need to know you are struggling. there is sadly no reason why we have had the pain of a child being taken, for some of us it was an accident others by self harm or drugs some by murder or illness. It makes no odds how it happens it is just as painful and difficult to come to terms with. You have taken a step in the right direction by coming on this forum, please join us and we can help to support you, hear about your daughter and family and hold your hand in friendship ok?
  20. Georgina it is a tough decision to make as to whether you read the medical reports etc or not. What is seen cannot be unseen which is why autopsy photos are never included in the final report that can be viewed by family members. Kate made a good decision to have her doctor read and interpret the details for them that seems a sensible choice. I am a former nurse and I knew reading my son's autopsy report was key to helping me. It was hard to read but gave me peace because I then knew all his injuries and unlike poor Kate there was no possible chance of survival for my son. There is not a right or wrong choice it is a personal decision. keep in mind and ask yourself why it would be beneficial to know more details and would knowing the injuries and treatment etc cause you more distress. I know HEMS would have totally fought to save a life as would the doctors and nurses, noone ever likes to lose a patient. I have seen staff break down on several occasions because a young life could not be saved. The best decisions are made very quickly with a deteriorating patient in their best interest but occasionally with afterthought (and it is much easier to do with afterthought and no time factor) perhaps an alternate decision could have proved a different outcome. It is so so hard when grieving as you want to find someone or something to blame to focus the anger and injustice on and deflect the pain of reality with anger. You want to ensure that those possible mistakes or oversights or whatever are recognised so that no one goes through what you all have. all the emergency personnel have their cases examined closely to ensure there was no error etc and if there was they are usually consequences. Ultimately tragically there will never be a different outcome for our lost children but I hope that you both get answers Georgina and dee and are able to effect changes if there was negligence or improper medical treatment. from a nursing perspective i will also say that sometimes there is no satisfactory answer as to why someone dies it just happens despite the best treatment, there is no rhyme or reason. We were just the very unlucky families. Thank you collen and laurie your kind words of support mean a lot to me. It really helps to have people recognising the difficulty we suffer on the birthday and angelversary of our children. a parent never forgets but it seems often the rest of the world does and to have friends like you all who are positively offering care and support is an incredible gift. i think we were all guided here to help each other by fate, given a lifeline to save us from drowning in grief. In that respect we are lucky, there are too many other bereaved families out there who are suffering alone, friendless and afraid, isolated and desperate. We have our tribe here that is a gift.
  21. hi hiboson33 please join us on loss of an adult child and share your story we welcome you although it is so sad that we need to be a part of this group. together we will grieve and heal over time. please tell us more about the child/ children you lost, how and when it happened if you feel able to so we can support you especially for the birthday and angelversary when all of us struggle the most.
  22. georgina take heart you will get better it just takes time. As for being homesick for your children we all are, it is like the world as we know it is forever altered and we also have to cope with a different us because we also have forever altered. being unwell has lowered your coping systems and let the grief sneak back in whilst you are so vulnerable. As you improve healthwise i am sure your low mood will decrease. I am glad my son's birthday is over and I can beef myself up for the really tough date of his angelversary also this month. The angelversary is incredibly difficult to handle. Still I was comforted to hear from all of you guys and seeing some of Tommy's friends posting on his wall. My sister and her 4 kids left today for their home in Texas. It was great to see them and spend time with them esp seeing Stefan my Tommy look alike. it was healing to see him and hopefull will desensitise me for future meetings with random people who have that very distinctive flame red hair. dee I am proud of all of us too. It takes great strength to open up about our children and our personal battles with grief and depression and by sharing we help to heal each other. I am sure all our kids are friends too and are looking down at us and rejoicing that we are finding our way through together. Love is the strongest power there is and the most pure. how amazing that we all found our way here to this site at different times through the years.
  23. thank you everyone for thinking of me on my boy's birthday yesterday. The support and love really helps. I find Tommy's birthday difficult but strangely a bit happier because I think of his birth and memories flash through my mind. I still cannot look at old photos. Spent the day at home too wet to leave the house but all my kids called me and although tears were shed it was healing. When I am struggling I just isolate myself at home because those are the days I crave solitude and can't talk to anyone I just need peace and silence. Now it is another day the sun is peeping out and I have to get myself moving again. Got to go upto my parents and say goodbye to my sister and family who leave for texas tonight. It will be 3 years until I see them all again due to cost of flights etc. it has been interesting seeing them but also illustrates how I am not the same person I was before. It seems more of an effort to be loving to people I deeply care about and my emotions feel strangely blunted. I guess that is what grief does to you. Susan and laurie i hope you made it through ok, it is just a day but what a day it is to go through. Tinay glad to see you back its been a while.
  24. Today is my beloved Tommy's birthday he would have turned 26 years old, but will forever be a youthful 24. It is pouring with rain here today kinda matches my mood. I just want to curl up inside and reflect and allow the hours to pass by. Later I will pop up briefly to my special place a beautiful and peaceful very old cemetary overlooking the sea and place a rose and have a few words with my boy. Still seems unreal that he is gone. Almost 2 years since he passed yet still sometimes feels so raw it is like it happened yesterday.