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Tommy's mum

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Everything posted by Tommy's mum

  1. 6th month since the loss of my daughter

    ginajull13 I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, it is the worst pain of all to lose your child no matter what age they are. It is terrible that asthma can still cause the loss of a life but sadly that sometimes happens. The first year is extremely hard even though you are still protected by the shock, you keep expecting that person to walk through the door, and there are so many reminders that they are gone. The grief journey is very long and difficult with many bumps in the road and not everyone can understand what you experience unless they too have been through it. Most of us parents post on Loss of a child and then go to the Loss of an adult child thread at the top of the page and choose the last page. We try to keep together in one place so we can support each other and there are daily posts. To have your grandbaby is bittersweet, you love having them but it does not make up for the loss of your Josie. Please join us.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    colleen glad you spread Brian's ashes in the sea ,it is very freeing to have some finality and only you know when you are ready for that. Also the tides go all over the world so he will be everywhere. Everything needs water for life so it is an ideal final resting place. When my Tommy died all his friends waded into the sea at the beach and floated leis out for him. I was so touched to hear that. I think you are doing really well. Of course you broke down, who wouldn't, but the difference now is that you can pick yourself up and carry on more quickly than before. We all miss our kids every day but remember they are always with us in spirit. dee yes I am lost without my pretty flowers in the garden. No blooms to pluck for my house either. I do get very sad as it feels like a death but I try to tell myself it is just a resting period for the next year. I treat myself to some cheap store bought ones from time to time as I really need flowers in my house to brighten my spirits. i do have indoor plants but they are just green. i don't have room for a greenhouse and anyway it is mostly rainy or overcast in the winter here. i love my blue light which gives me a sunshine boost, really makes a difference.
  4. Loss of 20 year old son to suicide

    Daniel pk thank you for sharing Jamie's story I am so sorry you lost him to suicide. You are right he was having problems and developing coping skills to help himself. Bullying is an awful thing that impacts a child even when they become an adult. It damages self esteem and self worth. My son Tommy was also bullied in school it had a major impact on his life mostly negative and he ended up hanging with the wrong crowd etc etc. He was killed saving his friend from jumping off a 14 storey building in a suicide attempt. ironically it was my Tommy who died and his friend who survived, however i know his life has been forever changed from the tragedy. What a shock for you when Jamie had plans for the future and seemed ok. We often hide sadness and depression from others because of shame, feeling that we are weak for not coping well and not wanting to worry family members so it comes as a terrible shock. Do not blame yourselves you could not have prevented it from happening, it was not because you were not close or understanding enough, there is nothing you could have said or done that would have changed his mind. I don't know if he left you a letter or not trying to explain his thoughts. In most cases there is no note because the mind is too cluttered to verbalise feelings and rationale. I understand suicide very personally because I tried to kill myself 2 years ago after having a major breakdown and so i know how despairing and bleak life can be and how depression clouds judgement and reason. i know I longed for peace and relief from the pain of being where i was and how depression took over and controlled my thoughts. There is nothing I can say to alleviate your pain and help you to find peace of mind i wish that I could. This forum has many members who have all lost a child/children who understand what agony you are going through. We all post on Loss of an adult child thread it keeps us mostly in one place and responses are quick. please join us there. You have made a brave step in coming forward and telling your story, talking about what happened is very painful but ultimately helps you to recover over time instead of festering inside. you are welcome to join us there. once again I am so sorry you lost your precious son it is something you spend the rest of your life coping with but you don't have to be alone ok?
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    dee and mermaidtears you know gardening is a big therapy for me. I believe that the soil can help to heal. for me I think a big part of it is bringing a beautiful life into the world one plant at a time. Also seeing for my self how Nature has adopted my garden knowing I am helping to support bees butterflies birds insectstoads frogs and hedgehogs. We bereaved parents need to somehow find something that is important to them, something that brightens your life for a short while. Grieving is so tiring it wreaks havoc on your mind and body as well as your spirit. Yanking out weeds and pulling smothering ivy off a wall help my anger and injustice at being forced into this new existence. I am still angry because lives full of potential and goodness have been torn away from us suddenly and we are faced with having to deal with a broken family. As a Mum I feel that wound deeply because I grew my son within me feeling him move and respond before birth, knowing my body was solely responsible for keeping him healthy and alive. Then breastfeeding him nourishing him from my body. It is no wonder we are so attached to our children they literally a part of us. Then teaching them nurturing and loving them throughout their childhood and beyond, attending sports, encouraging their talents teaching them morals and kindness to others and then setting them free into an adult world to learn independence. Having each one leaving home for university was a big adjustment but still each one flourished. Tommy was the hardest of my kids to parent due to his ADHD and Bipolar and eventual descent into drugs and heavy drinking. Yet I loved him as much as the other 3 even though his behaviour and life style was at times scary and unacceptable. Practising tough love is truly difficult but I knew i could not save him he had to learn to save himself. I had to explain to his siblings who were hurt by his behaviour and frustrated by his trouble with the police that he was essentially still a good person still their brother but he could not control his addiction and that he still needed our love and support and understanding. And he finally did quit after several attempts over the years and was being happy in his sobriety, successful planning to go to college and being a drug and alcohol adviser, Success yet in a few moments it was all wiped out his new life snuffed out saving another life. Why? Why? The words we have all screamed out in pain and anger. I guess we will not know why not in this lifetime. Still we have banded here together to try and save each other from grief's cruel hold trying to find life again and find a purpose. There have been a couple of new members who are tentatively dipping their toe in being part of our community, some who have lost their kid to overdose addiction or suicide in particular that have sparked me to say, there is no shame in having a kid who was not the perfect kid and to understand you all did your best to help them. They died anyway but so did others who were straight A's and had no problems. death has no preference it strikes unexpectedly without warning. all we can do is love the family members and friends that we have for as long as we have them. Not everyone gets to grow old gracefully and yes it is so unfair and unjust and plain bloody wrong. So try and find something positive to focus on so that we can learn from this. Know that each one of you has the power to change someone else's mind with their words, you are all important. Wow I did not realise I have been harboring this anger still, sorry for ranting tonight. better out than in I say!
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    mermaidtears I echo your thoughts that a loving family is best for children even if money is in short supply. Love attention and nurture are worth far far more than dollars in a bank account. being on disability i am as poor as a church mouse and have to be very frugal but do OK, and my ex husband is worth over a million with a huge 5 bed house and a massive retirement fund but I know where my kids prefer to go! Leah keep us in the know we are keen to see a resolution as you are. Is it just your grand daughter you are asking for? Maybe I am mistaken I thought there was a little boy too? My memory plays tricks on me sometimes so I may have that wrong. Hopefully the social services will help you get any public funding you could be entitled to to help you in your fight. dee yes a book! What a positive that would be using your knowledge of grief to write for others to be inspired by. something to consider for a rainy day .... oh yes you already have had some of those! It is dull, misty and clouded over here and has been for a few days but quite mild temperatures. I have even seen a few very late butterflies which is unheard of in oct. I miss some of our friends who have not been active recently and hope they come back. Sometimes you fall into a big hole and can't see the way out for a while no matter how long ago the loss was. Just know you are all thought about and that we are here when you are ready.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    dee I forgot to say i loved your poems.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    angelica what a gorgeous little baby oh my you must miss her so much. You are still a mom even though she has gone before you, a mothers love is counted by the number of her children not the number still on earth. I always tell people I have 4 children even though my Tommy is in a different world. As we have all found each other here on this site I think that all our children are connected to each other too just waiting for their moms and dads to join them. We meet people for a reason they come into our lives for a specific time when they are needed, some stay and some go but not until they have accomplished what they had to do. Each one of us sharing our stories helps others and forms connections when they are ready to post it is quite remarkable. By Nature all good parents are nurturers, here we offer nurture to each other and especially to the newly bereaved who have no sense of where to go or what to do and feel lost afraid and isolated.
  9. New to forum posting

    Keep going Elizabeth connecting with others is a huge step foward we welcome you. dianne thanks for your kind words. My aim is to try and reach out to anyone who comes to this site to let them know they are not alone, their words are heard and responded to, and their children and their story is important. We all need a caring connection.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    angelica oh what a terribly sad story, the fight for her life being premature and winning that and then losing her at a later stage from brain cancer. Heartbreaking. Still you absolutely made the right decision to let her little spirit go free from her broken body, although I am sure it was an agonizing one. Your little Amariya is fully healthy and happy now in the spirit world with many others around her. i know you are heartbroken and unsure of how to go on living but just remember she is not gone she is still with you every day by your side you just cannot see her right now. It is harder for those of us left behind to mourn and it is a long and painful journey through grief but here you will be helped and supported, understood and cared for when sometimes even your own family don't get it. Joining in and beginning to tell your story takes great bravery, the more you tell it the easier it becomes I know I just bawled my eyes out and kept choking on the words dead, death, loss, funeral, memorial etc at first but can now post very personal things here knowing I am part of a wonderful community. The advice and care I have received has been incredibly helpful toward my healing, and I offer that gift back to help others in the same situation, and so we go on.
  11. New to forum posting

    stephanie you can still post on this page or you can click on loss of a child and choose the top choice with most replies which is loss of an adult child then choose the last page to find our group and post on there. There are quite a few of us and it is by far the most active page, it also keeps us all together which is better. What have you found helpful and not helpful when dealing with grief? Do you a supportive partner, family friends around you? do you have other children and if so how are they dealing with the loss of their sibling?
  12. It's been 1 month today

    kelley this is for you
  13. New to forum posting

    stephanie I get those days when I deflect jobs to another day too, hey they will still be there to do tomorrow. I have very little contact with anyone either except my parents and sister and occasionally my disabled aunt. I talk to friends online or by text because I find social events very stressful. I have managed to fight against the agoraphobia that swallowed me after my son's death and have pretty much beaten it but prefer to keep myself to myself I live by myself and am most comfortable with my own company doing my thing. I am so glad you took the step of replying and opening up. The more times you write the words about your child passing the easier it gets although at first you bawl your eyes out each time. It is healing to meet other people online who understand and later you feel able to offer suggestions or quotes etc to help others and that creates a healing in yourself. Sometimes just reading other people's experiences helps too. None of us know why our children were taken but maybe part of the reason is so we can help others and create a safe caring online community together. Not all of us have caring family or friends and those that do can still be hurt by judgement or ignorance, so it is really refreshing to chat with people who do not judge, who understand crazy thoughts, who also struggle with some of the same things and know you are not on your own.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    sandy thinking of you, it is kind of strange that family drama pops up even on a day set aside for a special person. Seems a bit self centred doesn't it? I know there is another thread on here for losing a sibling which may help you a bit because each loss is different due to the specific relationship ie Mom dad sister grandma etc. We will always support you here. leah thanks for sharing your name it makes us all a bit closer i think. Trying to accept Fall as it is not my fave time of year and nor is winter, too dull too cold too dark and my garden slowly fades away which makes me sad. I do buy myself some cheap flowers for inside my house from time to time coz i feel I deserve it! One thing I do like is that some of the American shows I love watching start up again with new seasons. I am a huge fan of Chicago PD, Med and Fire, code Black and Deadliest Catch,Big Bang Theory and a couple others. so I can snuggle up on my sofa and catch up with my fave characters.
  15. Any good websites re grief and loss

    stephanie I echo to come and join us on loss of adult child. I have been a member there for a year and found great support and care and advice. Suicide is a very tough subject some people are too embarassed to talk about it happening and some blame themselves. You need to understand it comes from a very cluttered and chaotic mind that desperately wants peace and relief from the pain they are going through. No one can stop it from happening, no one, it is usually a desperate act when things get too much and resolution seems impossible and insurmountable. We have all lost children in different ways, but we understand the pain you are feeling and know how difficult it is to be strong enough to keep on going. Take care
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina my heart goes out to you having to plan another funeral it must be so hard. i am still not ok seeing coffins on the tv in programmes and do not feel I could attend another funeral as I am still too raw. Thankfully I have so far been spared having to attend one although my aunt is very unwell with cancer that is terminal. She is having a birthday surprise family afternoon tea in dec which I will go to and see her. I hope your health improves all this additional upset and stress must make you feel worse. rlolheiser do you feel comfortable sharing your first name please? I do not have a good memory for names so sometimes I have to type in the screen name but it is nice to be on a first name or nickname basis. I have memory difficulties after the overdose. There is a selection you can add to your profile so it always comes up on posts but if you prefer the anonymity I understand. just feel it connects us all. Sending you strength with the meetings ahead of you and hope there is a good outcome for your grandbabies. I hope your daughter connects with you soon too. She is probably very ashamed of herself and knows she has let all of her family down but addiction has a tenacious grip on its victims so it cannot be easy. dee a pink cast how ultra cool is that? Love that your little man has a favourite colour and wants to show it off. I may choose pink for my next cast too!
  17. New to forum posting

    hi stephaniesmom. I am sorry for the loss of your girl it is a tragic happening and suicide sadly seems to be more frequent these days. if you log onto Loss of a child and then Loss of an adult child at the top and choose the last page you will meet other parents in your situation. We have all lost a child/children so totally understand how you feel and can offer care and advice for you to help you. I tried compassionate friends site which was quite good but have formed stronger connections here. I lost my eldest son Tommy in aug 2015. He went out on a window ledge to save his suicidal friend 14 floors up when the police could not intervene. he talked his friend down eventually but as they were climbing back in the window it broke and they both fell. His friend survived although badly injured but my lovely son lost his fight for life in the ER soon after. it was the most devastating day of my life. Even worse it happened in Hawaii where he was living so there was a long delay before his body was flown home. I totally lost my mind and suffered a major mental breakdown ending up in hospital for a while. The next year passed in a daze of shock grief and medications. I was very lucky to have an excellent bereavement counsellor who I saw for a year and she really helped me make some peace of the situation. I was unable to attend group meetings but have weekly visits from my mental health team and am making progress slowly. It is a very slow process I am sad to say full of ups and downs but there will eventually be some light at the end of the tunnel although the loss of a child is something you never ever get over, you just adjust to. Our group is the most active and replies every day and have been a lifesaver for me. We help each other and that in itself is healing. Please join us take care
  18. It's been 1 month today

    kelley I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter it is a hard burden to bear. i echo the invitation to join us on loss of a child loss of an adult child thread. We have posts every day on there with support from many bereaved parents who have lost a child/children. We understand everything you are going through how hard it is how scary and lonely and will support you through your new reality. take care
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    andysmom hope your day remembering former happy birthdays with your boy give you a liitle ray of happiness today although it is also such a sad day too. It is kind of difficult to celebrate but know he is still with you all the time. colleen I hope you enjoy your time in Hawaii and scatter a piece of Brian in the ocean. He will love the beauty of that place and i hope also it brings you some comfort. My Tommy loved living in Oahu and one day if I ever ever get the money i would love to go there and visit places that he loved and some of his friends over there also the Johnson family with whom he lived. We scattered my son over a high cliff into the ocean in a cove in Cornwall the next county to us here in the UK which is what my other children wanted, but i have my special place more locally where I spend time with him when I need to. I know our spirit children are with us wherever we go watching over us, they are everywhere and all around like the wind.
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie you are held close by your friends here and your precious boy is remembered by us all. It is another year gone by and hopefully a bit more healing is underway for your family.
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    devianz I am so sorry your marriage is faltering it must be so scary and sad. everyone does grieve differently and sometimes leaving things unsaid because they are too painful or you feel stupid sharing thoughts that may sound crazy, can affect relationships. we all know that we are forever changed after losing a much loved child so having two people altered can certainly disrupt the balance of a marriage. couples counselling seems like a good idea it is definitely worth a shot and there is the chance of two life partners reconciling together. i wish you luck. Give yourself time in your studio creating and doing things that nurture your soul ok?
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    tina home schooling wow good for you I could not do it would drive me nuts! I have a couple of friends in the US who have done it and their kids have done really well despite the anti home school brigade. Guess that is what a good parent does changes things up to accomodate all their kids individual needs. one of the kids had been really bullied at school so it was great for her confidence to do well with school but be away from those that made her life a misery. My 4 went through some of the usual public school system and did well then we moved back to the UK and the 2 youngest went through the last 2 yrs of the UK school system but in a private school their dad paid for and did well. They did face some initial difficulty with people having pre conceived ideas about Americans and learning to spell the English more complicated way! The 2 oldest my girls have done university here and my son is in his second year there now and loving it. Education whether it is in college or an apprenticeship/trainee position is so important for all of them to live away from home and be a responsible adult who pays their own bills etc is a huge step in maturing into the real world. it is sad when they go away and then live in different cities to get jobs but also important to give them independence and spread their wings. there is no more important job than being a parent and raising the next generation. This quote is for you Tina and for the rest of us a simple though to consider, trying to reach for the sunshine again to show our other children that life can go on after loss.
  23. Lost my son

    lena and alinasmom you are not on your own ok?
  24. loss of my only child

    Take heart all of you new parents to grief. You are not alone ok?
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    dee hope your grandson recovers soon little ones do so well with healing quickly and it never seems to dull their energy! Happy Canadian Thanksgiving I hope you all have a peaceful time together and are able to reflect on what you still have and not too much on the losses. (easier said than done I know) Sandy I am sad to hear that your brother has passed. Losing a sibling must be very hard and i am sure after all the sorrows you have suffered it must hit harder each time. Randy will have plenty of family to welcome him but it does not make your pain feel less. Being out of pain and suffering is a blessing for him I am sure. Hugs to all your family who have lost so many members. laurie I love that comment about telling others to take a flying leap I must remember that one. We know there is no correct timeline and none of us actually want to feel the way we do it is what it is. Unless you have walked in those shoes and felt that deep love for someone who passed you just don't get it. At least here on this site we all get it that is why we are a community of friends. louann we will always keep our kids shining bright you are right that is all that matters, but we also need to try and find some shine for ourselves and not be tarnished forever by grieving. georgina I hope you make a speedy recovery and it is not surprising you feel run down you have been through a great deal recently. Take care. I have referred a couple of newbies to our thread but as yet they have not felt able to take up the offer. Even if you cannot post please keep coming back and reading you will find the strength to post in your own time, and sometimes just visiting is enough. Know you are welcomed with open arms when you feel ready. I also have notes some absences from older members eg Rainie I hope you guys are doing ok and come back to fill us in when the time is right for you.
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