Tommy's mum

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  1. dee hope your son recovers well back surgery is difficult to predict an outcome and is very debilitating. My ex suffered for years and had surgery and rigorous physio for a long time eventually cured him. Try giving him the antismoking patches they were a lifesaver for me when I had all my surgeries. I also had Nicorette quickmist spray which has helped me to quit the cigarettes completely. Inheavenskeeping how did the meeting with HEMS air ambulance go? I hope they gave you some answers and I think all these first responders are amazing. I watch a show about HEMS in the UK and they are incredibly kind and supportive to their patients besides treating them so professionally. Sherry we never forget our lost children that is all that matters. They are with us every day and know they have a piece of our heart and soul for life. Becky your son was so handsome those eyes tell a story I hope it stops even a few people from speeding. Devianz glad you are back. The delays must be so difficult causing a roller coaster of emotions as you gear yourself up mentally only to be monumentally let down. The wheels of justice do indeed grind very slowly. Be patient and comfort yourself that there is a reason for the delay and it may come to your benefit in the end. welcome to our recent newbies but I grieve that it is necessary to be part of this community. Know you will find understanding compassion and support here from all our members. No question is silly no emotions thoughts or beliefs are wrong. You will be understood by others who have walked this path ahead of you and truly "get it" when others around you do not and fail to support you appropiately.
  2. jandjmom44 as mermaidtears suggested the Loss of an Adult Child ,no matter what your childs age is, is an active thread with quicker responses and more followers. We can help support you in your grief and would welcome you to share with us. All of us have lost one or more children of differing ages and circumstances and support each other. It is a friendly community who care about each others welfare.
  3. juliansmom what a tragic story I am so sorry about your son. This is still the first year for you so it is very common to know your child has died but still feel like they will come back. I lost my 24yr old son in Aug 2015 and still struggle with the fact I won't see him again. It is a massive acceptance to have to absorb and so very devastating. To be able to function semi normally I try to push aside those thoughts and then spend time later on my own reabsorbing and letting my emotions out. It is really important to allow yourself to grieve else by denying those feelings because they are painful causes a breakdown later on. This is called delayed grief or abnormal grief reaction and can hit hard months or even year later. By joining this forum and speaking about your loss you have taken some positive steps. It is a safe place to post your worries, fears and anxieties and also tell us more about your son and family if you feel comfortable. We have some parents that are years down the line after loss and have only felt able to talk about their child recently and other newbies like yourself. You are not abnormal just a grieving mother going through all the spectrum of emotions like all of us. The thread loss of an adult child is the most active and gets the quickest responses if you would like to join us there and share more and we will help support you ok?
  4. jandjmom44 I am so sorry for you having to experience two child losses in such a recent amount of time,that must be especially hard. I am glad you are posting and sharing here it really helps to be in contact with other bereaved parents. Good advice from mikep it is important to allow yourself time to grieve and when you experience another family death it kind of brings back the original loss and it all seems magnified. Most parents post on the thread Loss of an adult child no matter how old their child was as it keeps us together in one place more and you get more rapid responses. please join us there, and you too mikep and we can all help each other. Support is vital in making your way through grief and all it brings.
  5. mikep what a lovely photo of your little Cameron he is precious. I guess you did some counselling which is great. Was there anything else that helped you to move forward? How do you deal with trigger days? It is great that you have joined us and can give a longterm perspective on grief, some days it seems I go backwards. How many other children do you have and are there any grandchildren in your life yet?? How did the siblings cope longterm with the loss of their brother? What helped them or were they too young to understand and remember? My 3 two girls and a boy are all adults and living in different cities.but I don't think they have processed their brother dying properly. Easier to pretend he is still in Hawaii and not think about it I guess. They talk about Tommy to each other sometimes but they don't often talk about him to me prob because they are afraid of upsetting me. I had a major mental breakdown after Tommy was killed and took a very long time to recover from that and re enter the world again, and I am still pretty fragile though have made some progress and beaten some of the anxiety and my agorophobia that I developed afterward.
  6. Thanks for the support, friends. I really appreciate it. It is not just the colouring he really resembles Tommy in so many ways. He has ADHD like my son and is always active and on the go and impulsive. Genetics are weird that way.It always makes me nostalgic when i see little kids playing reminding me of my own children at that age which is normal when mine are all adults, but seeing my nephew will be esp difficult as I see him running around and enjoying life as he should but me having a pain in my heart because I will never see Tommy running around carefree again. It is a huge physical in your face reminder that your child has gone and will never have children of their own, still breaks my heart from time to time. Crying as I type this. I will have to speak to my nephew and tell him I love him and am happy to see him but that he resembles his cousin so much it makes me cry sometimes he is 15 old enough to kind of get it. I will get through it and of course I will see my nephew's own personality and behaviours and likes and dislikes and hopefully it will ease my sorrow over time as I get used to him. Laurie glad the colonoscopy was clear, that must be a huge relief. Lovely photo too, the flowers are gorgeous.
  7. Ok friends I have an issue perhaps you can help me. My sister and 4 kids are coming over for a holiday here in a couple of weeks, we haven't seen them for 3yrs. The problem is her oldest son has the same unusual bright orange hair and blue eyes combo as my son Tommy. He is now 15 and really resembles my son. I am scared I will lose it when he is around, even photos of him make my heart skip a beat. I have been making good progress recently but am worried I will fall back and perhaps ruin the reunion for everyone. I have mentioned it to my sister but she seems oblivious to my anxiety. I have my own car so know I can make my escape if it gets too much. Sounds trivial I know but certain triggers can cause a downward spiral.
  8. jandjmom44 I am sorry for both your losses I am 22 months on from losing my son Tommy. He was 24. It still hurts every day but I try to focus on something else so I can achieve something that day. I am on disability after failed ankle surgery so I don't have to work at the moment. It is both a blessing and a curse, I have a lot of time alone at home, and have to work at not getting overwhelmed emotionally. Some days are worse than others there are different triggers and memories but some days now are ok. It has taken a long time to get to this place of relative sanity. Please join us on Loss of an Adult Child thread which is very active and has some wonderful parents you can connect with and share your thoughts.
  9. Georgina soo glad your Charlotte is home now what a relief for you all. As she needs some time to recover so do you after all the fear and anxiety take care of yourself too. I love the Grenfell single that has been remixed over here. Such a sad event lessons learned for all. I find that sad events really bring me down for a few days the loss of life reminds me of my personal loss and I feel for others now in our position. Louann we do get a lot of dreary weather here in the UK. The last few days have been freakishly hot unusually but it has now cooled down again and the rain is welcome to my thirsty garden. I really find it therapeutic being outside pottering around and enjoying the flowers that bloom. This year has been amazing for roses and I am able to pick some and bring them indoors. Nature has a way of calming me and bringing some peace. Mermaid tears that adorable Vito is growing fast and looks so happy. There is nothing like a baby's giggle or a child's uproarous laugh to make you smile and realise there is happiness to be gained again in this world. Jeffsmom I also watch escape to the country and idealise what I would buy and where if I had money! I agree going for walks and getting close to Nature is very uplifting and peaceful. Laurie I saw my first dragonfly of the year and thought of you. dee I hope the stress test results are encouraging. Surprising how grief and stress negatively affect the physical body too.
  10. r'ee what an adorable photo of your little boy, what a sweet face he has. It must be tremendously hard for you because you devoted all your time and love to Cameron to care for his needs and now there is a huge hole in your life. i am so sorry for your loss. Your other children are still very young and grieving too and it is especially difficult to try and give them all the love and reassurance they need whilst trying to cope with your own grief. We all know that empty arms feeling it is so painful and wanting our child back it seems hard to survive without them. I am glad you found this site most of us post on the thread Loss of an adult child because it keeps us all in one place and you get responses much more quickly. It is for anyone who has lost a child no matter what age because we all know the painful grief journey only too well and can offer a listening ear and support. Please join us there and share your story talking really helps and your words offer encouragement to others. helping others is a positive step towards recovering from loss.
  11. mikep what a truly awful accident I am sorry you lost your son, and am inspired that you are able to offer support to other parents who have been through the loss of a child.
  12. Tinay that thought of not seeing your daughter again for years is something I know only too well. That thought brings me to my knees and drowning in grief every time, so I try to look at it more positively and think I know I will see my Tommy again just not right now. It helps a little. Now you are back at work is it possible to get some sick time? Any doctor would recognize you are struggling and know you need some more time. It must be so hard to know you are forced to work because of finances but also know you are hanging on by your fingernails to your sanity. As for the second year being harder I guess it is different for everyone. For me I had a mental breakdown so I was out of it for months and months and dont remember how I got through each day. As the shock wears off it becomes more real and that is very painful to face. The "firsts" are all painful too but each occasion is always overshadowed by the knowledge that your child is gone. However I know our children walk beside us every day and they are never forgotten. Love is the strongest emotion and the bond between parent and child is unbreakable by time or distance. That is why allowing your grief to be acknowledged is so important, otherwise it resurfaces months or years later and causes a breakdown again. Please do voice your thoughts and feelings here, this is a safe place to vent and get support. The signs from loved ones are very encouraging. It soothes an aching sorrowful heart to get them and have a positive reinforcement that they are still with us. Part of the grieving process is having to adapt to a world without that precious child so having a sign is only too welcomed. I know how we all ache to have a sign and they are all too infrequent. I have planted orange flowers in my garden to remind me of my red headed son Tommy which brings a sad smile to my face his hair was so fiery. I still post on his Facebook too.
  13. cathydrochin i agree about the therapist mine was an enormous help and now I have finished after almost a year. I am sorry you lost your son. please come back and tell us more about him. It is still so soon for you the first year is really difficult and each year thereafter is tough too but in time the rawness eases a little and you find ways to cope.
  14. allenb now I understand. There is no place safe from drugs and dealers and evil people who seek to entrap others or kill them unfortunately. I only wish there were. As parents we make the best decisions at the time with the information we have, no point looking back or regretting any decisions because that has already become the past. If only we could keep our kids safe. We parent them through babyhood, toddlers elementary school and tweens and some of us also through middle and high school and college. Even when they are adults we still parent them because they are the world to us and we still want to protect them. Unfortunately we cannot be everywhere all the time and we all bear the scars of losing a child of any age and all that it entails. It is so wrong for a parent to bury a child because their lives had not been completed, so much potential and talent wiped out in an instant. It is a heartbreak that never heals. At least you are here with us and we can help to console and offer support.
  15. Colleen thinking of you today, another year without your beloved son. Time is deceptive sometimes it drags other times it flies by. I hope you had a peaceful day. Louann so glad you can see for yourself that some healing has taken place and you are on more stable ground. Kira's grave looks lovely and I hope you feel some peace when you go and visit her. She is so proud of you finally reaching out for support and sharing her story to help others on this lonely path we tread. Tinay glad to see you posting and that you got the money for a lawyer. I really hope you get some justice and answers, the waiting must be hard to bear. Suicidal thoughts are very common among bereaved parents because in the depths of grief we can only see our deepest loss, missing them overshadows everything else even our other children and family. grief steals your breath your peace and turns your emotions and life upside down and back to front, and it is not until we are on a firmer footing that sanity prevails and we see who is still with us and that they are important too. healing takes a long time and the journey is full of mountainous climbs and hollows in the road that we fall into but each time as warriors we find the will to get up and carry on. Ultimately the burden of grief becomes less but it takes a long time to happen. You will be reunited with your daughter one day far in the future and she will be waiting for you with open arms, we never pass on alone.
  16. Allenb what did you mean by you thought it would be safer here and were wrong? Please share what is on your mind.
  17. louann your beautiful daughter looks so like you. Thinking of you esp today which is a hard hard day to get through and brings back many memories. Stay strong and continue to make progress with your life that is the best gift you can give your children. Hugs
  18. Mikep please join us on Loss of an adult child thread as it is the most active and you can be answered more quickly. We would like to hear more about your son and family, we are all in this sad club together and understand as only people who have lost a child know. Take care
  19. All parents/grandparents, whomever needs us are welcome on the loss of an adult child thread ,regardless of the age of your child we have all lost a future ,hopes and dreams ,and have a hole in our family. We have parents who have lost children of all ages so please join us there and we will try and help you through this acutely painful and lonely journey. Even if you dont feel able to post just yet read some posts and you may find some answers and guidance ok?
  20. Louann I agree with Dee it is good to change up your traditions sometimes because it helps to start something new a new way to celebrate. Because some of us have other kids we must not forget their needs in our sadness they need to see that life can go on and celebrations and traditions can continue because it is ok to show happiness even whilst we grieve. Some things that stay the same are comforting to us and our children it is a personal choice just like grief, we are all different. It is especially difficult when an angelversary is on another special day like Kira on father's day. Just go with your gut as to how you celebrate. each year can be different, it is all ok. i wish you all peace today and always. I also directed another two mums to our thread today both who lost baby girls. I hope they join us and can share.
  21. Bellamomma7 and FMAmum I am so sorry you both lost your daughters. It is a loss you never get over but in time with grieving properly it does ease a bit and you can very slowly find light in your life again. It takes a long time so dont worry when ignorant people expect you to get over it. You dont get over it you get through it. I lost my son aged 24 in 2015 and am slowly getting there. I had a mental breakdown and developed anxiety and agoraphobia so I totally get how you feel. I have a great psychiatrist and had a wonderful grief counsellor for a year who really helped to pull me back into life. Counselling when you are ready is really worthwhile. I understand it is so painful that you do not want to talk about it but if you constantly push your emotions down to try to be "normal" for other people it backfires big time and you end up cracking up later on. The most active thread on this forum is Loss of an Adult child please join us there and we can listen to you and hold your hand figuratively through this awful process. You are not alone ok? We have all lost children some were babies others older and some adult children but we have all been through that painful grief process and can offer some personal insight and support to you both. Please join us as you will be answered more quickly as we try to keep together in one place. i wish you both well and hope to connect with you again.
  22. Stevesmom lovely words, kind of you to share. I am divorced many years but appreciate there are many grieving dads out there that will appreciate the sentiment.
  23. mermaidteara you are absolutely right, the dads should not be forgotten esp with fathers day coming up. men and women show grief in very different ways but still feel the pain and loss very acutely they are not always able to show their emotions. I love the quotes you posted too. Louann I think it was Tommy too and that push you felt was your Kira. Some things cant be explained and give us small comforts.
  24. Hey Louann thanks for planting more Tommy and Kira flowers I also have some nice purple Kira flowers in my garden! I am ok just get down at times. I was asleep the other night and heard someone call "Mum, Mum" I woke up and was looking around but there was noone there. I went downstairs and asked my daughter what the matter was. She was really confused and looked all round the house then told me it must have been me having a dream. I wonder if it was Tommy trying to communicate with me? Nothing further happened that night it was strange. darcy every anniversary is really painful we all have walked in your shoes and just encourage you to keep in touch with us so we can walk alongside you ok? georgina i hope your precious Charlotte is improving each day and will soon be home. Sherry you have made it through another year well done you, you are being so strong and brave. Hallo to all our other members ,each one of you has a special place here with us and help to make up our little community, thanks for your input and inspiration.