Tommy's mum

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  1. Aernacor it is so painful to lose a child and the loss never goes away it just lessens over time as we learn to deal with the new reality but it is so hard. I hope you get to see him and that your heart finds some peace. Fostering is a wonderful gift to give to needy children and the positive impact you can make on so many little lives so dont give it up ok?
  2. inheavenskeeping good luck with the air ambulance meeting etc it will be tough but may help ou ultimately with some answers. It is all part of the journey finding facts speaking to those involved and putting together a fuller picture of what happened. Thank goodness for our emergency personnel who try and save our loved ones. Tinay keep going my friend you are doing ok. It is like being in a snowglobe that has been shaken violently, everything is swirling around you cannot see which way is up or down your vision is blurred and you dont know which way to go its confusing. I too lost time and even now find it difficult to know the day or date, I guess because I am on disability and dont have a set schedule it makes each day a bit of a blur. Dee I hold you in my thoughts and hope your husband makes a full recovery soon. It must be so scary for you all. Laurie I like the safe spot idea. Too often we want to retreat from the world and curl up into a ball and that sounds like a great place to be. I did screaming too a couple times and it helped. I take Venlafaxine which helps with the depression and also have a few diazepam for emergencies which I have not needed for 5 months as I am mostly able to talk myself down now but it is there. Louann I dont think many of us like our lives now. In a few minutes it all changed and we became bereaved parents. So tough to deal with.
  3. Dianne i thank you. It is with a heavy heart that i follow the news as I know there are going to be so many families affected by this recent atrocity, and how I understand the pain of losing a child only too well. Innocent kids at a concert enjoying themselves, such unbelieveable evil. We can never understand how killing others can ever be justified. At least the bomber blew himself up too so the UK do not have to bear the cost of a trial and incarcerating that monster.
  4. Dee I am so sorry about your husband. Sending loving thoughts of healing to your family.
  5. Colleen hope you are doing ok I understand that time shift ,so recent and then so long ago all at the same time. I feel that too, also some days I am ok with it and then others I can't believe my son is gone from this earth forever and the shock hits all over again. However I find my recovery time is shorter with these aftershocks of awareness. Louann sounds like your husband is experiencing an aftershock bless him. They are so painful and sad. Men do greive differently to women they tend to stop talking and hold it in more and sometimes it comes out more in anger. Just be patient with him he will talk when he is ready. Lynn it was good of you to share the news of how to contact the family of a former Indigo. I cannot imagine the devastation of that poor family and I think they will appreciate you all reaching out to help them in this time of sorrow. They know you all will be there for the long haul as you were the first time when they are ready. just find myself shaking my head at the cruelty of it all, heartbreaking. You have suffered a lot of losses yourself in the recent time I am so sorry. Each one must be very difficult but you are right nothing compares to the loss of a child. My parents are elderly but luckily in good health and I depend so much on them. The knowledge that they wont be here forever always ticks away in my mind but at their age it is more the norm and expected, whereas a child/adult child has not experienced life to the full or acheived any of the adult milestones, they were cut down in their prime. Sherry I am glad you liked the rainbow. I guess we all look for small signs from our children any little thing that lifts our spirit and eases the sorrow a little. Dee your words to Tinay are so wise and comforting. Where would we all be without each other? The support and understanding on this site are so welcome. I have gained a lot from being here and making new "cyber" friends. Tinay it is ok, we all fall apart from time to time and your loss is so recent still, so raw and fresh. It is about gradually becoming aware of the permanency of loss and each time it happens you are freshly wounded all over again. Just remember your precious Kiona is not gone forever she walks beside you every day willing you on except you cannot see her. You will see her again I promise just not in this lifetime and what a joyful loving reunion it will be you will have so much to catch up on. On my Tommy's order of service at his funeral I quoted "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" and I think that is a powerful message to all of us whatever your faith/non faith. We will see our beloved children later just not now.
  6. Louann I am beyond touched. That was such a lovely gesture, I hope your purple flowers and Tommy give you joy. We have to find some joyful and happy moments concerning our lost children and that is one you have given me today thank you.
  7. Aernacor I am so sorry for your loss. It is still a type of bereavement because you are grieving not having that lovely little boy as a permanent family member as you had hoped. What a wonderful giving family you are to take in foster children who have probably not had a lot of love in their lives and make them feel safe and loved. Even though you always know these precious children are "borrowed" you invest a lot of yourself in them to keep them happy. bless you
  8. Just devastated to read about a former member losing another child it is just awful. how cruel to be able to go on with life and succeed over grief and then to be knocked totally flat again by another death. I did not know her but wish her and the family well in this terrible time of sorrow. This life is beyond cruel.
  9. This was a rainbow sent to me by Tommy, taken from upstairs in my house facing across the street. It is in the same place as the one he sent on his funeral day. So beautiful, fragile and very fleeting gone one minute later, a mix of sun and rain kind of like grief itself. Lifts my spirits.
  10. I also saw this article and thought it would bring comfort to many but am not computer savvy enough to be able to post articles. Tinay I am glad you are able to swing some days off you really need it when grieving. it takes everything out of you physically emotionally and mentally and having time to process the changes in your life is important otherwise you can get a delayed grief reaction later on in time. I'm sad your mom does not get it but that is common especially in older generations who were taught to push it all down and keep a stiff upper lip as if it did not happen. You do what you feel is right. You are your daughter's advocate and if it is meant to be there is a wrongful death lawsuit then it will happen. Your mom will just have to let you go on in your own way, it does not matter whether she thinks you ar right or not, you are making the choices you are making as a fully informed adult. I am sure she is grieving too just differently and that is ok. kate love that obituary. Words are so powerful aren't they? Thank goodness we have a few rays of sun today I have to make myself go out and mow the lawn and do some weeding so will have to refuel up with coffee to get moving!
  11. mamatink7 I have already replied to you on another post asking if you would like to join us on Loss of an adult child thread but I would like to also comment on your post if that is ok. Your jacob sounds like he had so many problems to cope with medically and you must have been so busy helping him and getting him to hospital appointments etc, now life probably feels very empty. You made his life so happy by being involved in caring for him and doing homeschool too which you said he loved, so Jacob was lucky to have the best Mom. No need to make snap decisions yet on whether to go on the road with your hubby or not. Jacob is with you all the time in your heart and next to you even if you cannot see him for now just remember that, and he would want you to do what makes you and his dad happy, to be able to thrive despite his loss. I am glad you have visitors to be there for you that is important and we would be glad to hear more about you and your family, there is no judgements as we are all in the same boat together. take care
  12. delane and mamatink7 I echo Dianne's words, she is very wise and I have learned a lot from her. The thread loss of an adult child is definitely the most active. It keeps us parents more together in a group and the responses are quicker because of that. I am so sorry that you both lost children it is very painful to be in need of a support group but it does really help because we have all been there and understand the raw emotions and stages of grief. Delane we have other parents who have lost children to accidental overdose so you may find some parents that you connect with there. Ultimately it is not so significant how our children pass, it is the fact that they did. it is about parents reaching out to each other and sharing. We have all lost a future, all have a hole in our family and all have to pick up the pieces again. mamatink7 I am not sure how old your son was when he passed in hospital? (not that it matters as we offer support to anyone who comes here.) Sepsis is known as the silent killer because it comes on so fast and is hard to diagnose and treat especially if there is another infection present that is masking it. I hope both of you can join us. It is ok if it is too difficult to post, just reading sometimes makes you realise you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It is also nice to be able to talk about your child when it makes other friends and family uncomfortable.
  13. Dee hope you feel better soon. Strep throat oh gosh that brought back memories for me of my 4 who all suffered badly and very frequently with it. Ultimately I had all 4 get their tonsils and adenoids out at the same time and that did the trick. It was hell for a week or so with 4 very poorly sorry for themselves children and only my Mum n I to deal with it night and day. They were only ages 3 5 6 and 7 and I had to spend a night in the hospital with the two youngest but it was worth it. The school's strep rate plummeted afterwards! i also have had strep and it feels like swallowing broken glass. The best thing is to crush your painkillers and take some water with them and gargle before swallowing. Split it into a couple of gargles not all at once. Tastes yuck but def works. Lots of fluids and soft foods too. Devianz hi. Female issues also suck I hope you can get sorted out soon. Iron tablets are good for anaemia and so is spinach and dark chocolate (I know what I'd prefer to take!!) Hysterectomy would sort it out but there is a recovery period needed afterwards. however if you are done having a family and have had a lot of episodes that may be the way to go. How awful that the dr was so horrid, you can request a different one in the practice? It could be a fibroid that is causing the pain and bleeding. so glad you have a decent hubby to look after you, and you are right he prob does feel like nathan's dad so feels that loss acutely too. Although you say your mom does not respect boundaries at least she came over, and crying and pulling weeds is good therapy for the mind and body. I do not feel guilty for having mini breakdowns anymore, I just accept that it happens and indulge in a good bawl and move on having washed my spirit clean again. We all need these mini breakdowns to stay healthy.
  14. Thinking kind thoughts for everyone struggling on this site with illness and grief. It is true when emotional defences are weakened illness can creep in and cause havoc with the body. Stress continues to diminish your immunity and we can get sick. Also the weather. In the UK we have had a week of solid rain and it is gloomy and dark. I have gone into hibernation mode and been unable to find any energy to do anything even inside. All I want to do is lay on the couch and nap. In the end I got my blue light out (SAD treatment) and sat in front of it for 2 hours in an attempt to get my mind and body moving again. It really works. i have to brave the weather to get my prescriptions and i hate going out in the rain! Some of you could really benefit from this treatment I think. I got mine off Amazon, it is the really big one that lights up a room so you dont have to spend much time in front of it. Dee hope you feel better soon. Rainie have not heard from you in a while you doing OK? I know mothers day would be especially tough for you. Silky are you doing ok? Devianz are you doing ok? There are so many of us struggling I can't name them all personally but if you are reading posts and not able to post just know each one of you is important and cared about, you are now part of a caring community of parents who are figuratively holding your hands.
  15. Christophersmom I am sorry you are feeling so broken up. Part of the grief process is also acknowledging that nothing can change in regards to your son. There is not going to be a next year or a chance to do things differently and that is a stark bare fact that is so painful. I know that dark empty place only too well. As you go through the process gradually the light peeks in and you will be able to face happier memories instead of longing for something that cannot be. just hang in there. Your job sounds stressful and you recognise you are not able to give 100% not surprising with the very recent passing of your son. having time off is really key to recovery time to cry, catch up on missed sleep, establish new routines, and concentrating on making peace with yourself. Congratulations on your anniversary, having a good husband beside you must really help. becky seeing that car must have felt like a dagger in your heart I am sorry. It really is so awful having to see the perpetrator freely driving around as if nothing had happened and then to see the actual vehicle for sale. i would feel anger too and betrayal, but there is probably nothing you can do regarding the car. Hopefully someone will either buy it and take it out of town or it gets scrapped. It was the person driving it that was the cause ,and to not get any punishment for her dangerous driving and possession of alcohol and drugs is appalling. It would make me feel angry too. The most important thing is not to get involved with the person at all, even if provoked, because she tried to make trouble before for your family and it did not end so well. Easier said than done I know, I would have to clench my fists and force myself to walk away all the while wanting to scream at her and shake some sense into her. Unfortunately that is not our job to exert justice and the law would not take kindly to any action. It must be a terrible burden knowing she is out there free to live her life but if she gets into any more trouble with the law some justice may come down. they say a leopard does not change its spots or behaviours so you will have to keep back and wait for karma to catch up. i wish i had words of comfort to offer you, it is a very difficult position for your family to be in. laurie that one day has the power to set off a firework display of emotions and to have two gravesites to visit must be so very very hard, I am sorry. Certain dates and times of year are especially provoking as we all know, it is a case of just getting through that day as best you can and starting afresh the next day. Being mad at the universe makes total sense. i was furious and I blame God, that is who I cannot forgive hence my atheism. I guess we all need someone to blame right? My eldest daughter was mad at evryone and everything for over a year because it is easier to mask deep sorrow with anger, but not healthy. She eventually chipped away at her anger realising it was misplaced and is more settled but she is still a ways away from being recovered because she does not want to talk about her brother's death. it will be a thin scab covering it until a time when it gets knocked off by some other big life event and she will need to face the trauma then. We both see that denial is not healthy but she is an adult who makes her own choices and i have to respect her wishes and be there for when she needs me. no one grieves the same way or for the same time. There is no right or wrong way we each have to find our own path and our individual way of dealing with things. My other daughter keeps it all very quietly inside and does not engage in talking about her brother she puts on a brave happy face to hide her pain. She worries me the most. My youngest son is quite well balanced I think. he has made some peace for himself and cried with his girlfriend and seems to have accepted the situation in as much as you can accept it. There should be a grief class where you can throw soft things and punch bags and kick the hell out of soft cushioned items to allow parents and siblings to alleviate their anger and pain in a healthy physical way and then get gentle support after. just a thought. I really hope tomorrow brings a better day, and then a better week for you. grief sucks.
  16. mermaid tears what a loving gesture to Veto, very special and meaningful. I have my kids much loved childhood favourite toy in my attic. Tommy's was a handknitted scarecrow he called it "sarefro" because he was too little to pronounce it correctly! I kept their one favourite toy so they could show their own children one day. Tommy's will go in my Tommy box which will be there for his siblings and/or their children to come to look through. Gretchen your locket is lovely. i too have a small snippet of my son's hair in a locket, and I also have his handprints. i just needed something physical as a reminder of my son besides old photos. I think as parents we need something more because we have lost so much. Dee another tragedy for another family so sad. you are right we do know what the family will be facing and my hope is that either someone special comes into their lives or they join an online family like ours to feel support and care. Sometimes I despair over the amount of suffering in this world, especially when it hits a family or is to do with the loss of a child because that hits right home directly to my heart. We learn so much more from painful times in our life because they have a longer lasting impact and I guess we are all here to learn and to teach others the wisdom we have gained through our experience whatever it may be. being here on earth is a teaching experience for all of us throughout our lives. let us hope we can learn good things from bad experiences and help others who are following the same lonely path.
  17. Thank you and I hope your day goes well too. I am fortunate to have other children now adults, and they sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers which was wonderful, but I would swap that in a heartbeat to have a message from my Tommy in my inbox. i think all of us have that ache deep inside today, that longing to be able to hear from/see our lost children. We are united together in our grief. I will be thinking of you all especially today.
  18. Avaliyahsmom i am so sorry you lost your precious baby girl that you had longed for. Tragically these things happen I am sad to say and common diseases and infections still can kill. Pneumonia comes on very quickly and you were right to try and treat her at home before realising it was more serious. many pediatricians would probably have advised the same until there was a change. Why? is probably the one question everyone of us has asked repeatedly, and there is no satisfactory answer, our children were just taken too soon from us. The most active thread on this forum is Loss of an Adult child and it is for all parents/grandparents etc who have lost a child of any age from before birth to adulthood. Please join us there and we can help support you. We would love to hear more about your family and especially Liyah. feeling dead is very common because a part of our heart and soul die when we lose our child. It is a pain that never goes away until you are reunited in the afterlife but very slowly over time the overwhelming pain eases to a dull ache inside as you adjust to your new life after the sad event, It is horribly difficult, and agonisingly painful and takes a whole lot of strength to get through but you will. We will help you, you are not alone ok?
  19. Once a Mom always a Mom remember that. Love and peace to you all.
  20. Tinay please no apologies needed here. I get it I have done the same thing myself before just had a couple drinks in an evening to be able to let go. As long as it does not become a habit it is ok. i think because you have to work you force this brave face and coping front in front of people and it is not easy to drop that fake front when you get home. Maybe the alcohol loosened you up enough to let it all go and you did. God knows, this is a hard harrowing path we are forced to walk, it is scary, and lonely, and full of potholes, and mountains, family and friends drop out because it is too difficult and so we trudge on. But there will be an end we learn along the way the best way to navigate the rough spots, the times to stop and reflect and the times to push ahead. We learn to recognise the foreign landscape and know more about endurance than others, and then we get to the light. The valley where it is more peaceful and bright where we can choose which direction to go of our free will, where we can see colour again and feel some happiness. It is a long long walk but in the end we will all triumph just trust in yourself and take comfort from others who have walked before you. None of us are alone on this journey. louann your post was soul wrenching i am so sorry. There was a lot of fighting to get my son back to the UK. My evil ex made things a thousand times worse for our family by threatening to just have Tommy cremated in Hawaii. It upset our children and I was desperate to see my son. I had not seen him for 4 years and then when I did it was absolutely devastating because he was dead. I had a complete panic attack and breakdown and could not go into the room at first. My Mum was amazing and took the lead. How could I be scared to see my own son? I was terrified bt what i would see. I slowly edged in and saw him and it was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I was able to talk with him and hold his hand and stroke his hair and kiss him and all I could see was the remnant of my little boy, my eldest son. I put a quote in his hand "Until we meet again" and left.I felt so guilty that i had been scared so I wrote a long rambling personal letter to him and went bak the next day with a rose from my garden. This time I walked in freely and felt more comfortable and knew this would be the last time for me. My kids went separately and although it was very scary and upsetting they are glad they had a chance to say goodbye. My youngest daughter acted like you not able to participate in anything holding it all in although she did cry. the ex then wanted to change all the funeral plans so we did. We both gave a eulogy. Even now he tells the kids I had it all my way, whatever. I was not even allowed to keep any of his ashes so last year Tommy was scattered over a high cliff into the sea. there is no point looking back and wishing you did things differently. You do the best you can as you are able with whatever you have got. Our children get it totally. they can see the heart within us ripped into pieces and how hard it is to carry on. They watch over whilst we try to sleep and see our torment and sorrow. They do not blame us for anything we did or did not do, they know we love them more than anything, and that is so difficult to let them go before us. They hold us up when we fall and celebrate our successes they are with us always, ALWAYS. Dianne you have come so far and you are doing so well keep on going. There will always be dark days and times we stumble but you will survive and get back up like you always do. It is just the grief journey. However journeys must end and there is a final destination. These last few days I have felt overwhelmingly tired and depressed and not able to do much. No reason for it it just is. tommy's funeral song sings in my head and I allow myself some quiet tears then try and do something to distract myself. It is ok all part of grieving. i know there will be another day to be able to feel some joy and accomplishment, the sun will shine again and a new day begins.
  21. Thank you everyone for your kind words concerning Tommy. he was a handsome lad and that cheeky grin would melt hearts. At least his grin makes me smile when I am sad. Tinay you have so much on your plate with working and the trial. I am so glad my son's death was not complicated I really could not have coped so you are doing amazingly. I had to avoid certain shows and could not watch a scene with CPR or in the mortuary or funeral scenes or people falling. I am much better now and can cope with those things, it just takes time and focusing on our grief to make some peace. Signs from our children are always welcomed they seem to be fairly infrequent but that is ok we know they are with us. please keep sharing it gives us all hope. that necklace is a beautiful connection with your daughter. Louann is right you have to go through the raw pain of grief and not run away from it because it will catch up with you, you cannot avoid it forever. If it is not resolved grief can pop up again months or years later and create havoc in your life. You were unfortunate to personally experience that weren't you? Your job treated you very unfairly and cruelly I'm sorry. allenb and darcy12 there is no fairness, we were just very very unfortunate to lose our children in the prime of their lives with so much ahead of them. I guess it is upto us parents to try and carry on their legacy caring for our other children/grandchildren and trying to make a difference to the world in our very small ways.
  22. dee thank you. Yes my Tommy was very handsome. i have never posted his photo here before as I am v computer ignorant. After many attempts I have figured out how to do the quotes thing but never photos. Somehow I did it with one photo and whenever I look in my cache for something to post he pops up. It makes me smile and cry a little at the same time. It is like he is saying "It's great you are on this site Mum and trying to heal yourself. I am ok and happy here and always with you."
  23. Oh Louann no, no, she would have said "Thanks for being my Mom. I love you but I have to go now see you later and be ok." She had no choice it was a freak thing that happened to her and neither you nor she could have prevented it. I am also encouraged by your recent words and actions. make sure you post photos of those purple flowers ok? Doves are a sign of peace and love and that is what your sweet girl was saying to you. Be at peace, forgive yourself you did nothing wrong ok? I had not spoken to my Tommy in a while, he was never good at keeping in touch. Because of his former addiction and past behaviours,he was ashamed and preferred to keep in touch by private message. i know he also missed us desperately and was a bit scared he would break down a little by hearing our voices. i had to be satisfied with his choice of communication infrequent as it was. I finally persuaded him to skype me because I longed to hear his voice and see him again. We had not seen him for 4 years because we were in the UK and he was in Hawaii. Not enough money for flights. I had one joyous skype call with him it was incredible. His brother and one of his sisters happened to be home and were able to speak to him too. It went so well i arranged for another skype call in 2 weeks time and i was so happy to think we could communicate in real time and see each other as if we were in the same room. sadly that day he needed to leave a bit earlier to drive his friend to college and although i called him a bit earlier than arranged we were not able to speak. I guess he thought he could just call the next day and we could chat. That night he was killed and so I never got that skype call..... Breaks my heart but that is just the way it is. I still post on his wall on FB and when I see I have a message for a split second I still hope it will be my Tommy. It will be ok. We all have broken hearts but we will get through somehow and make our kids proud.
  24. Tinay I hope you are able to recover the money and be able to fix your car and pay off the funeral expenses.I love that poem, so beautiful. When we share something meaningful to us it helps others, touches a chord, sparks a memory and it is doubly beautiful because it is shared. It touched allenb and that is wonderful. Hope you are hanging in there allenb even if you do not post often, and this is for all of you out there, you are always in my thoughts.
  25. Louann it is ok to take some time for yourself and do something you enjoy or take up a new hobby. being present and living again is what our children want and it is also a welcome sign to your other children that it is ok to move on slowly and not punish yourself constantly. I believe our kids are happy where they are, they are free from the sadness and bad things that we experience on this earth and they walk beside us every day even if we cannot see or feel them encouraging us to keep going and to be better people. I think of Tommy climbing trees, riding bikes and skateboarding as he was constantly in motion.The signs we long for can be very few and far between but their presence can be felt with a gentle breeze ruffling your hair or touching your skin,a sun peeping out after a rainstorm, a bird singing that lifts your heart, just random things that happen in life. It may be a song on the radio or a book you are reading, a sentence that someone has written to you. You just need to believe that it is not all over and you will be reunited again with your daughter one day just not for now. celebrate her purpleness! Plant purple flowers or buy a small piece of jewellry in purple to feel that connection against you or paint something abstract and beautiful with her favourite colours in them. Try crafting or photography there are so many guides on the internet,some crafts take only ten minutes. Perhaps making something beautiful and simple for your home will help you feel that unbroken connection between you and your little girl. It is about making new memories with a connection to our child ,something that makes us smile, just a little with fondness.