Tommy's mum

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About Tommy's mum

  • Rank
    tommy's mum

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK
  • Loss Type
    my adult son was killed trying to save his suicidal friend.
  • Angel Date
    Aug 16th 2015

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  • About Me
    I have four children. Tommy will always be 24, my daughters are 22 and 23 and my other son is 20. i live alone with my ginger cat but have my parents and one of my sisters living close by. i am also one of four and very close to all my siblings. I am too unwell still at this time to work.

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  1. Rainie you do have a way with words even though you have told us you have dyslexia and other disabilities, your words ring true. I hope you find your kind of people in the group. We will still be here for you. That photo made me cry it is so poignant. Been doing a fair bit of that recently. i have some disabilities too and it is interesting to see how people react. Most people are very kind if they see me struggling and will offer help but the other day a man shouldered past me so hard I fell into a supermarket chilled display, never stopped or apologised.
  2. A teary day today. Sometimes that is the way it goes, Nothing in particular happened to spark it off, just that deep heavy feeling in your heart. That desperation of wanting to feel his hug and hear his laugh, to see his face and be with him.I call my other kids every week and we whatsapp pictures sometimes and I see them every 2 months when they come back to visit from college/job in other cities which is lovely but never enough. But I long for that call to be from Tommy to hear his voice and it cannot ever be again and it rips my soul to pieces.
  3. stevesmom what a treasure. I hope your niece and godson both do well. I used to work in NICU so know the ups and downs and anxiety of having a baby there. Medicine is doing amazing things in the treatment of very premature babies these days he will be very well looked after. take care.
  4. Anthony I appreciate your kind efforts in trying to lower suicide rates. I lived in PA for 18 years and my 4 kids went through elementary and middle school there. My two eldest graduated high school before we returned to the UK in 2011. my eldest was bullied because he had red hair. My youngest daughter was bullied at times by the popular group mainly being excluded by them or having friends join the group and then dropping her. I found USA schools to be very much more cliquey than UK schools. My two younger children found it hard to settle into the Uk at first because they were American and the kids had preconceived ideas about Americans but then it was ok. My children are now all older but i would be happy to give my input because it would benefit future children. 1 yes. 2 yes. 3 no. Children are afraid of telling and having further repercussions from the bullies. We need to teach more about bullying and exclusion in schools so kids feel safer. Having class buddies to stand by bullied kids is strength in numbers, bullies are essentially cowardly and surround them selves with others as a show of force. Having a system where no one sits alone at lunch or is alone in the playground would really help. Also for the bullies to be held accountable for their actions. In my case and in several of my friends children's cases the child being bullied had to change classes or go to the counsellor. this makes them more of a target and the victim. the bullies should be called in with their parents and made to change classes and have counselling too, and sign a contract stating this behaviour must stop. if not they should have appropriate punishments or suspension to show that schools are taking this seriously. . cell phones should be disabled in school hours to prevent texting bullying. School bus drivers should be trained to report incidents on their bus to the school. 4 it can happen at any age, however preteens to seniors is most prevalent. 5 no. The emphasis needs to be that it is a safe environment to tell because actions will be taken against the bullies and that no child should feel alone and vulnerable. i wish you luck with your project. I hope you get more replies but grieving parents may not be in the right space to be able to participate.
  5. Amyanne the pain will always be there, always, an eternal loss because where there is grief there is a great love. The difference is being able to learn to live again not just exist, and not let your loss define who you are. You are so much more than a mum who lost their child, you have strengths and weaknesses, beauty, skills and talents. You are a mother, grandmother, a daughter, maybe a sister, aunt and friend. You are so valued even if you can't see it, your words speak to others here who recognise them and perhaps feel a connection to you and be inspired by your honesty. Take time to find yourself again because you are worth it. We are all changed and I think we are all struggling to find our identity and self again because we are different now and don't recognise the people we have become. None of this was a choice we were thrown into this new life there will always be a comparison to life before loss and life after. Please look at some counselling and possibly some different anti depressant medication to help you, we all need any help we can get. If you have a faith the church often offers a non judgemental listening ear with sound advice. There may be groups in your local area or library. But still come here and post and be supported. sometimes by reading others stories you recognise how far you have actually come. Louann I still cannot look at old pictures of my son too painful, we all have our timelines to deal with things. I have a few in my house of more recent times but cannot deal with any more than those. Its ok. I also have a Tommy box in my attic that I periodically put things in, a list with all his messages on, a few poems I have written over time, a pressed flower or two, obviously all the newspaper articles that were written about him, a few clothes etc. I still have a pair of his shoes in the shoerack and his favourite hoodie hung up in the hall so when my other kids come back our stuff together makes me feel we are all here. I know its silly but it helps me. i grow more orange flowers in my garden to remind me of his flaming red hair. still cant listen to his fave bands without sobbing but that is healing too. Collen your kind words are so appreciated, i know each post is for us all but sometimes taking the time to address individuals is so valuable, such a personal message. Your journey has been longer than some and it inspires us all to be able to reach a different place in time. Devianz your open sharing and honesty speak volumes. I am so sorry you have PTSD after watching some of that horrific video. There is also a short cellphone video of my son's death which after much deliberation I chose not to see , what has been seen cannot be unseen. However there is a therapy called EMDR which has been extremely therapeutic in treating PTSD. All of us have a minor form of PTSD after the deaths of our children but in severe cases like yours there are treatments available. You are not crazy well no more than the rest of us anyway!! I love the way you suggest taking out judgement and thinking a while before posting, extending kindness to others, SO true. We should never dismiss something that is important to anyone else. Not every post or quote or thought is meant for us that is selfish thinking, it could speak volumes for someone else. Dianne Dee and mermaidtears I always look forward to your posts which are clear kind and hopeful. Wade love that poem/song it took my breath away. Please try to post more, pain is from an injured soul and heart and when you help to heal others by definition some healing takes place within yourself. For everyone else on this site know your posts are read and sometimes cried over, your words heard and your presence enhances this group of sad warriors, each and every one of you is valuable, thank you.
  6. Amyanne03 you will be ok because you are stronger than you know, we all are and we help each other to get through. your daughter left you her most precious things, her children, so they can ease your grief by leaving a piece of herself behind. You can watch them grow and acheive and your daughter will still be there beside you just out of sight.
  7. Christopherdanielsmom I am so sorry you have had so much trouble and grief to deal with it must feel overwhelming. i am not surprised you were vulnerable and took something to take away the pain. Many of us have had too many drinks at one time or other to blot out the reality in the early days. Im not sure where you are posting from the drug laws are different in each state/country? Forgive my innocence I am not sure if "dope" refers to pot, or heroin or something else . Again charges depend on the type and amount of drugs and whether there has been any offences committed before. There are also mitigating circumstances and your painful history should be told by your lawyer to the court. You made a foolish error whilst grieving and hopefully this will be taken into account and you will be lightly punished. I am sure you are terrified and ask if there is anyone close to you who can offer advice and support to help you? Family or friends? On the thread loss of an Adult child there are many bereaved parents who can offer advice on grief etc this is the most active site. i wish you well.
  8. Everyone is welcome here no matter your Nationality, colour, religious beliefs, gender, sexual preference absolutely everyone is welcome here. Let us not be distracted by mean words, retaliation and hurt feelings. We can choose to ignore posts that are unhelpful, offensive or that do not relate to our beliefs. All of us are angry. Angry that we lost a child, angry that our lives are forever changed, angry at the loss of potential and future for our child, angry at the people responsible, angry at the justice system. We are just plain angry and that is ok it is a normal part of grieving. This anger should dissipate over time and be replaced by more positive thinking. We cannot undo what has happened we cannot change the past but we can change the future. We can change how we feel and act and what all our children would want for us is healing, peace, a measure of happiness and doing something to make them proud. maybe we should reverse the situations. How would we counsel our children about the problems we all are facing? What advice would we give them? We would hug them and assure them it will all be ok in time. We would seek medical help or counselling for them, we would do everything in our power to help them wouldn't we? So therefore WE need to do what we would advise our children, to give ourselves freedom from guilt, to seek help, to speak out, to give to others and not to live in the past. Our children were part of the future, now let US be part of the future in their places. As parents we set by example so let all of us in our own small way take steps toward healing ourselves and freeing ourselves from grief. We deserve it we are worth it.
  9. Amyanne03 there will always be a response to you. You are not on your own
  10. jojosmom you have been dealt such a cruel blow I am so sorry. Join us on Loss of an Adult Child thread there are so many of us who have walked in your shoes dealing with the loss of a child. As louann says hang on. We can help support you you are not alone ok?
  11. This is such a good site for sharing emotions pictures and memories. Thanks to everyone who has taken the steps to join.
  12. amyanne03 i just responded to you on your other post asking you to join us on Loss of an Adult child where there are many parents like us who are grieving our children. It is the most active forum just go to the last page and post there ok? Taking on three grandchildren full time is a massive responsibility and you are wonderful to do what you know your daughter would have wanted. She would want her Mum to be there for her precious family and will be looking down at you with pride and happiness. I too could not cope with people face to face and came to this forum quite far along in my grief journey and found it to be full of kindness and wisdom from people who have been where I was and where you are and who understand. It takes a long time for the shock and disbelief to fade and then the reality sets in and it is so painful. This is called delayed reaction or abnormal grief reaction which is very very common amongst us because we all lost our children very suddenly. Now you are coping with three other people who depend on you for everything and you need to make sure you help yourself first. if you are breaking then the family will struggle. have you tried one on one counselling? I had a wonderful bereavement counsellor along with a psychiatrist who gave me my life back after 18 months of hell and failing to cope. it was hard work and very emotional and i felt worse initially but then it became clearer and I slowly climbed out of the abyss and fought my agoraphobia and my demons. You are not alone with this let us help to support you ok?
  13. amyanne03 hello. I am sorry for your pain in the loss of your daughter. Join us all on the thread loss of an Adult child. We have many members who can listen to you and offer support. No one knows when their child will pass so please don't beat yourself up because you arrived later than you had planned. I don't know your story details but when people overdose they fall asleep and that is it. The medical examiner may find the cause to be something in addition, like drowning or a fall or choking on vomit etc but the fact remains that she would not have known what was going on around her. As parents we are used to helping our kids out and putting them first and helping to fix their problems. When a child dies it is instinctive behaviour to put blame upon ourselves but that is pretty destructive thinking. A parent on our thread was wishing she could have been there when her child passed, and another parent responded with that they were and doing CPR which sadly failed was even more traumatic. There is no "better" scenario i am afraid we just have to deal with what was handed to us and that is more than enough to cope with isn't it? my son had just turned 24 when he was killed trying to save his suicidal friend so i know that feeling of thinking you got them through babyhood, toddlerhood, and adolescence, to a grownup and they should be ok. I struggle with Tommy not reaching his full potential, his dreams and ambitions unfulfilled, and that our family has to go on with one member missing permanently which is very hard.Sharing is a step toward recovery and that is good. please join us and share more about your precious young girl as you feel able ok?