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Tommy's mum

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About Tommy's mum

  • Rank
    tommy's mum

Profile Information

  • Gender
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  • Loss Type
    my adult son was killed trying to save his suicidal friend.
  • Angel Date
    Aug 16th 2015


  • About Me
    I have four children. Tommy will always be 24, my daughters are 22 and 23 and my other son is 20. i live alone with my ginger cat but have my parents and one of my sisters living close by. i am also one of four and very close to all my siblings. I am too unwell still at this time to work.

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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    rlolheiser how old are your grandkids? It must be such a difficult time for you with jaboa's angel date coming up and the fear over your grandkids future. maybe jaboa's mom is acting out her pain in a negative way believing that drugs will numb her reality and help her cope with her loss which we all know is overwhelming. It is so sad that her other children will pay the price for her actions, I hope there is a way to keep them together and ensure a safe and happy place for them to be in. This is a good place for you to vent your frustrations disappointment and anger because it appears you have little control in what happens to the kids at this time until something semi permanent is sorted out. I also hope that Jaboa's mom realises the seriousness of her actions and manages to straighten herself out before she loses her kids, it is those little innocents who are being punished for something they had no control over either, bless them. They need a sober Mom to give them what they need to thrive.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    tinay like my wise friends said so eloquently before the early days are so very hard. I think we were all angry and bitter because we resented others having their children and ourselves feeling punished somehow for having one of ours brutally ripped away. At any special occasion thereafter it is normal to feel bitter and angry because we want what we cannot have and because we are forced into a painful position no parent would ever want to be in. It is important to recognize people grieve differently and also know that over time your own feelings and ractions will slowly mellow as you adjust to life without Kiona. That does not mean you will stop grieving for her that is a lifetime action it means as time goes by you gradually come to terms with some aspects of her loss. That as some of us know takes years but if you put in the work to grieve properly with help it will come. Someone told me yesterday that grief can be resolved more or less in 5 to 10 years but I do not know how that could be quantified as it is an individual thing and depends so much on the type of loss and whether there is a long running courtcase etc or not. Just know that this is a safe place for you to scream and rant and let every emotion and thought out, we are here for you.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    I agree Kate everyone's photos are lovely ,to be proud of for sure. Seeing the next generation grow is a blessing. wendy your pictures were a testament to your love for Ricky. colleen mall walking is a great idea. Unfortunately i cannot walk far as my ankle is still unhealed. My next surgery is in Jan. sherry wish our UK weather was warmer but Fall is here now. I put a blanket on my bed and in a few weeks I will put my electric blanket on too. mermaidtears it will take a long time to rebuild and regroup after the hurricane and flooding etc. On the news more earthquakes in New Zealand japan Mexico and Italy a very worrying trend. The loss of life and destruction loss of power etc is appalling. I hope this is it now and there won't be a "big" one elsewhere I guess california is on alert. it is really scary isn't it? I hope everyone gets through the rest of the week and gets some downtime at the weekend.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    So here in the UK the Fall is here. Weather colder, the evenings coming in earlier, blanket added to my bed, squirrels gathering their food etc. I struggle with the fall and winter especially mainly because of the shorter days and low sunlight, with even lower energy levels and lower mood. I have my blue light for SAD which really helps. Also the plants stop flowering and my garden goes to sleep it is like everything dies. However I know the plants are just hibernating and will come back fresh in the spring it just seems like such a long time. Wish I could hibernate too. Still today is a sunny one so i will go and help my elderly aunt by cutting back her garden and then work on my own. helping others does feel good.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ok guys a weird and wonderful thing happened to me today, a definite sign from beyond. I went and had a cup of tea with my sister and as i limped along the street i saw a £5 note just lying on the ground. I looked all around to see anyone who could have dropped it either from a parked car or just out walking and there was absolutely no one around anywhere. I picked it up and began walking back to my sister's house to tell her and a breeze blew another note toward me as i reached her gate, this time a £10 note!! It blew my mind I can tell you. I gave it to her and asked her to check with the neighbours to see if anyone had lost any money as i would hate someone to be missing it, I know i would be upset if I had. She told me to take it and promised she would ask around and let me know so I could return it to its owner. We both checked the whole street out again and there was still no one around. I think it was Tommy helping me out as things are very tough for me financially as i am on disability and my daughter has moved back home after university and has had no luck in finding employment yet. How strange is that? I know £15 ( just over $20) is not a lot, but to me that really helps out with the food bill. I still can't explain it but it certainly put a smile on my face and I looked up, blew a kiss and said "Thanks Tommy, you made my day!" just wanted to share, I know I am crazy ,I have a psychiatrist who can prove it!! but to all of you on this forum, just know that our kids are still always with us watching over us.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay this is why we have all been guided to this forum to meet parents who can offer comforting words to each other. I am glad Kiona sent you a sign it helps to have an affirmation doesn't it? Hope you find an accomodating rental so you can keep your cat. My cat is such a comfort to me as I usually live by myself and animals offer total unconditional love. tommy adopted a stray cat when he lived in Hawaii and the family he lived with kept him and call him Tommy's cat, he gives them comfort too. It does not matter that you did not make it to the walk of hope we all do what we can when we can as best as we can. The uncertainty over the lawsuit must weigh on your mind so much. How frustrating to not have resolution and the truth come out for all to see. I hope you can find someone to take it on but please remember not to put yourself in financial difficulty to prove a point, Kiona just wants her family to be ok. Your comment about being jealous of your parents because they will see your girl before you was thought provoking. having thought it over myself i concluded that I will be ok with that happening when it does. We still have stuff to acheive here on this earth before our time comes naturally, like you I have no clue as to what i am supposed to acheive here but I guess in time it will become apparent. This right now is the worst time ever it will slowly get easier as we relearn to cope and live. Never forget that Kiona is always with you by your side every single day and night ,you just cannot see her, so you are not totally separated from her it is like a long distance relationship between two worlds and you will see her again just not yet. dianne how sweet of you to find the meaning of brown feathers for tinay she needed that information so much. mermaidtears love the John Denver song sometimes lyrics have a message.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    sandy how frightening to see your daughter with those symptoms, glad it was a migraine. Most people do not realise how severe and debilitating migraines can be and the symptoms do resemble a stroke in some cases. i am sorry about your brother you are right cancer sucks and it seems to affect more people now than ever before. I guess partly because we are diagnosing earlier but I am convinced it is related to pollution too, air and water pollution particularly. somersky that was a sign. Somethings cannot be explained but we know the truth. White feathers are also a sign from beyond. Just smile and know your Skylar is still within you and around you. For the others of you who have had signs enjoy them it shows we are still connected although in different worlds. laurie i am so glad you finally got some proof public proof stating what happened so everyone will know the truth. it does not change things but you fought hard for that truth and your son and family deserves it. kate thanks for sharing about your husband's cancer battle it must be so hard. Your words were beautiful and honest and eloquent. I am not afraid of dying now. Since tommy passed my feelings on so many things have changed. i try to be positive and enjoy the little things but still feel joy has gone out of my life and life is still a struggle. maybe in time i will be grateful for my life but I would rather swap with someone who really wants to live. You can donate organs but not souls. brandonsmom yes you will be raw for a long time my friend I am sorry to say. It feels like an agonising open wound throbbing with pain, and even when it begins to heal over the pain in the scar remains. We are all scarred from our losses and it takes a long time to heal but together we can help each other through the bad times and celebrate when someone makes it through the grief journey and is able to find their life again. That is something we should all strive for, to make our children's memory meaningful and acknowledge the importance they made in our life but be able to find a life without them being able to be at peace with their death and succeeding for their sake and the rest of our families. That is a tough ambition I know and in the first few years seems an impossible feat but take heart from those who are closer to realising that goal and just know it is possible. louann I get you. That is what depression does to you it grinds you down and takes away many pleasures in life. I do not wish to be with Tommy now although for a long time I did. I accept I am supposed to be here but the reason is not clear, except for having time with my family of course. I feel that i am just existing a lot of the time too but maybe that is part of the big picture. I was there for my daughter's graduation, she is now living with me for a few months before saving enough money to move out again, it is my Xmas this year so I am supposed to be there for that too. We are supposed to be here for the little things and the big things in other people's lives to make a mark. Gradually one day with a lot of hard work and therapy i think we can all finally reach the point where we can enjoy being alive. It is quicker for some than others and often seems to be impossible but all things are possible I guess you need to have faith in yourself and be able to push past negativity knowing you are worthwhile and deserve to be freed from the prison of grief. We cannot bring them back but we can all try to make peace here and you have been stuck in a loop for way too long now. free yourself and continue with the progress you are making you are doing great. Insomnia is a bugger and definitely does not help mental health. Research online for things others have found helpful. I take sleeping meds but was diagnosed with a sleep disorder years and years ago after having severe Lyme disease.
  8. The loss of my 5 year old girl to cancer

    miasmommy I am so sorry how awful to be given a cancer diagnosis for your child and still lose her after treatment. It does not seem right that kids get cancer or other dreadful diseases as they are so innocent and have not experienced life enough. On loss of an adult child we are a band of parents who have all been through the loss like you at different ages from different ways but we are all together supporting each other through the grief journey. It is a very long and painful journey. Many times you feel like giving up because it is so hard and devastating but somehow you will make it through. here you will be understood through the crazy thoughts, the sleeplessness nights through the baring of your soul to the memories you want to share. you will not be judged on your decisions actions or thoughts, you will be cared about and offered advice or tips or prayers or virtual hugs we have been in your shoes and will help you anyway we can. sometimes it may be too hard to post but I hope you know you are welcomed and maybe just reading posts offers insight. i hope you make special connections here with us. Take care
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina gorgeous grangbabies you are very fortunate there. dee sorry your water spouts have been triggered recently, does not take much sometimes does it, does not matter how much time goes by we will miss our kids forever. Hugs.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    hi Nora you are welcome to our little group but I am also so sorry you had a child loss in order to meet us. tell us more about yourself and Brandon when you feel upto it ok?
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina just know there are lots of us all supporting you from afar on mon. It is in reality just a date but of course to us parents it is huuuge. it is very difficult to get time off work in the week that is true. my sister once told me that everyone has a different view on grieving and memorialising. Just because someone cannot attend does not mean their loved one one is forgotten, they will do what they need to at some point in their day to remember them or postpone their remembrances to the weekend. grief is not limited to just one day it is at anytime. Also to cope with all you have going on must be so very hard. I am sorry about your mum ,just enjoy the times you spend with her and make those memories beautiful and meaningful.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    susan that devastation and flooding is horrifying you are right it will take years to rebuild parts of the community I am sorry for that. However that community spirit is heartwarming, people coming together to help someone they don't know just to help out, wonderful. It gives you a sense that the true grit and human spirit for others is alive and well. Veto is adorable in that moulded helmet he does look like a football player! That is quite a common thing for babies to have some help reshaping their head and because they do it when they are really young and its not painful the results are excellent. louann it is sad that your childhood was not happy, it explains more why you are suffering with depression in your adulthood even though you have had your fair share already. Kind of why grief knocked you down so badly because perhaps your stuffing was already weakened. I have had depression for years and its very wearing. I cannot understand that whole Live for today thing. guess I have had a lot of very hard knocks in my adult life and have had to struggle with a low income for so many years, making do going without and always buying second hand or used items and mostly discounted foods that living still seems a bit of a chore sometimes. I guess this is the hell on earth bit and i hope that the afterlife wherever that is will be better, also our kids will be there which will be amazing. I try to enjoy some things and I am truly grateful for the things I do have in my life because there are people worse off than me but I often do not feel happy. i think you are doing so well, look at how far you and hubby have come just in the few months you have been on here with us further in that short time than in the last 6 years. It is gonna be a tough grind a long road but hey we are all s Dianne it is so sad you felt so unloved and unimportant yet strived and succeeded. Shows people can overcome huge emotional and physical challenges and grow into adults vowing to break the cycle that they were forced into. Experiences shape who we become and the fact you are so kind and supportive to others is a huge testament to your strength. Devianz I am so sad by your story too breaks my heart, yet you made it through too. That is why therapy can be really difficult it pokes into crevices and cracks that have been papered over for self preservation. Grief of any kind, loss of innocence, forcible child parenting, neglect, abuse, cruelty need to be worked through for a resolution and an adult perspective of something that happened to innocent children who should have been loved and protected. You have also broken the cycle and poured love into nathan for the time you had him. I too am a single parent and you just do the best you can with what you have got for that period of your life. No guilt friend you did your very best. dee you hit the nail on the head and also came from a dark place in your childhood to being a successful loving parent. I am glad that you guys are so willing to offer up your demons to others so that they can realise there is no shame in being an abused child and that it does not have to affect your whole life it can be overcome. You are so brave. Hope your neice and daughter are safe and ok in all these floods. These hazards of nature are definitely a global warming issue and we need to try and rebuild and learn from our mistakes for future generations.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Louann this quote is for you. hugs
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    kym how sad that your grandson is being kept from you at a time when you really need to see him and snuggle him. babies and small kids just radiate innocence and joy and wonder at such simple things you cannot help but have your spirits lifted by them. Mediation sounds like a good option and maybe a resolution can be worked out for the benefit of all I hope so. being kept away from grandchildren is very common in divorces too it is so sad because it takes a village to raise a child. One point to add is that grief causes strange reactions maybe that is grief distorting their view and it will clear as time goes on. I hope that you are successful. margo hi glad you are here. You express grief so eloquently. I too did a screaming session early on and it really helped. i was so very tired after but it felt healing and took away a lot of anger and frustration. Note prob best to do it in an isolated area!! Your pottery is lovely. I tried it for the first time a few weeks ago and found it very soothing and interesting although the finished product was decidedly ameteur. I think it is so important to find an outlet or hobby that can channel your emotions and give a sense of acheivement whatever it is. Gardening is mine I cherish the tranquility and nature around me and feel pride in creating colour and beauty when I do not have artistic talents. perhaps that is why I lapse so low in the wintertime because the garden looks dead and empty and i miss the sun. i alwys look forward to the spring and rebirth again though. kate glad you are ok. I get that sometimes we need to step away a little because the sorrow over another's plight is catching. I find myself more caught up with emotion and sorrow with tragedies that are in the news, somehow the stories affect my mood for longer than they did before although i have always be a sensitive and empathetic person. A wise person will recognize what is best for their mental health and wellbeing and take action so they do not fall too far.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    kate I saw two posts that you deleted in the early hours are you doing ok? The nights are the worst for intrusive thoughts or bad dreams because we cant keep ourselves busy with errands or chores like we can in the day. The only thing stopping me from doing stuff at night is that I would wake my neighbours with the vaccuum or laundry etc so i try and read or do sudoku or crosswords until my mind is calmer and I can sleep.