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Tommy's mum

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About Tommy's mum

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    tommy's mum

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  • Gender
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  • Loss Type
    my adult son was killed trying to save his suicidal friend.
  • Angel Date
    Aug 16th 2015

Recent Profile Visitors

903 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    kate I am so sad to see you leave but thank you for the years of support you have selflessly given to help others in their time of need. You will be missed. However I am glad to hear you say you have found peace after losing Jeff this is a milestone we all hope one day to reach. It is indeed a healthy sign and you are so right, Jeff is with you always and forever. Newer members do need to try and fill your absence so that this forum continues to be a beacon of light in a dark world.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne and I have been in communication after I inadvertently upset her with my post. She has accepted my apology but has decided to step away for a little while to regain her strength and purpose. We all know how that feels. Keep her in your thoughts and I hope she will return when she feels ready. The angel date is the worst date of the year yet there are also other dates that cause us distress and make us stumble especially around the holidays. tina I like the natural tree it is different, simple yet beautiful. I am sorry for your friend's loss. I am struggling with the loss of Tommy's friend Mikey. I have been very sad and often tearful and lacking in energy since I heard the news. it kind of compound your own personal loss. Just when you think you are doing ok a big bump in the road knocks you off your feet and you fall down again. That is sadly part of the journey lots of falls, but gradually you find your feet again and get up. jean it is wonderful you will hold your thanksgiving dinner with your family. There will probably be tears but also I hope some remembrances of happy times. This will be the first time i do not hold Thanksgiving dinner since moving back to the UK. my children are all away working and saving some holiday to come down for Xmas. My parents and sister obviously dont celebrate it and dont like some of the American dishes but I will wish you all well and hope you enjoy Thanksgiving as much as you are able to. my garden is pretty colourless and sleeping which makes me sad. I am concentrating on growing cacti and always have a bunch of flowers in my family room. Just as we need to hibernate away from everything sometimes so my garden needs to enter a rest period before coming back to life in the spring i just need to be patient and let Nature do its thing.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne I am so so sorry, I think you misinterpreted my words? The day you lost Michael had to be the worst day of your entire life. Being told those words that your child has gone is appalling. I can clearly remember falling to my knees and howling when I was told Tommy had gone. I absolutely did not mean that it is just another day like any other,of course not, I would never say that, I meant that date is comprised of 24 hours to hold on through because it is such a painful date. It is a day of such sadness and will always be a day that causes tremendous anguish. You like all of us will grieve for the rest of our lives, how could we not? We adored our spirit children, and they will be with us for a lifetime until we are reunited once again. I am so so sorry that i caused offence it was absolutely not meant that way, I was trying to offer some comfort to you. I am horrified to think I inadvertently upset you dianne i would not do that for the world. Your words wisdom and advice have meant a great deal to me over the 15 or so months i have been on this site, and for that I thank you.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    georgina I am glad you attended the gathering so nice to be with people who understand the truth of loss. I truly believe that sharing about our spirit children connects us with others and the ones who are further along can send out hope to those still at the beginning. Yellow is my favourite colour because it is the colour of sunshine. I liked the story you shared. It is important that we do wear bright colours to show we are still living life even without our child. Wearing something bright lifts your mood just a little. Fields of gold is a beautiful song that is balm to the soul. jean such good advice above from our members. The early days are so hard emotions all over the place and you feel like you are losing your mind. celebrating special events will now always be bittersweet because someone special is missing but it is so important to still gather and celebrate for those still here to feel special too. dee glad you are feeling better. Being unwell drags your soul down with it, twice as hard. Cried when i heard the Joni mitchel song which is good, tears are healing. dianne I am aware of your countdown and the stress it brings up. It is ok to feel that way it is normal, but it is a day after all. Try to use it as a day of fond remembrances and mark it in the way you feel best. colleen great photo of the family. as parents we hold the loss more acutely. Our other children grow up and some have their own children and they never forget their sibling but become accustomed to their absence quicker than parents. We are acutely aware of someone missing always. kate I too am trying to get xmas shopping done early. My next ankle surgery is dec 14th and i will be back in a wheelchair and using a walking frame to hop about so pretty housebound. I also get too overwhelmed with crowds of people makes me anxious. for the most part I can avoid Xmas music because I do not leave the house much because of limited ability with walking but I will have to prep myself for when my kids come down they blast the old songs out to get them in the mood. Some of you lucky ones have snow! carpets the landscape in a dazzling fresh white and softens every structure beautiful (except if you are driving in it) Here it is cool with temps dropping to about the freezing mark at night. I needed to find something to replace my garden over the winter because it makes me so sad. So now I have started learning about and growing small cacti. i am making a terrarium for each of my daughters for xmas and starting my collection of cacti and succulents. My sister raised her eyebrows and commented I had lost the plot again! Actually my family are happy I am making efforts to keep sane in the winter months so I don't lose my progress. Several of Mikey's friends have contacted me on FB and we have talked about his loss. many of them also knew my Tommy they have always been connected. I am able to accept Mikey's passing more easily because I know how tormented by guilt he was over his drug use and the anxiety he caused his family, and now he is finally ok and at peace. This is the first loss i have experienced since Tommy passed. i know it won't be the last but i have the tools I learned in counselling to take each thought apart examine it and put it away. There is always healing in tears. i have a photo of the two boys together in 2011 i think holding onto each other and roaring with laughter which i put in a frame on my Tommy shelf, makes me smile.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sherry I am sorry to be late in wishing you well at this hard time for your family. Here our children are remembered always even if the posts are late. Thanks for the kind wishes concerning the loss of a young man so close to me. he was only 27 years old a funny and joyful person with a talent for guitar and songwriting based on his sometimes very sad life experiences. I hate that I am not in the USA to comfort my friends, his parents, and that i cannot attend his funeral when that happens. We each know that desperate pain and disbelief and the fog that surrounds you totally interrupted only by crashing and differing emotions. I am in touch with his sister and if his parents agree will post funeral details on his FB page so that friends can attend. His parents may well prefer a private funeral with family only and that is ok too whatever is best for them. They may worry about a scene being made or be uncomfortable around people they do not know that their son knew. I took a bit of a risk and posted on his FB page to all his friends reminding them his family may be able to see comments so to keep it clean and keep it respectful. No one wants references to drugs or partying when their son has died. I feel strongly it should just be well wishes and love expressed and i worry because young people post without thought sometimes their every emotion and thought which can hurt other people. I know I am probably overstepping the mark but I do not want someone who I cared deeply about being the source of gossip or speculation. i had to talk to all my kids just to hear their voices it took me back to a bit of a dark place for a while. It is because this was my son's best friend someone I cared and worried about. I feared getting that news because that lifestyle comes with high risk and yet it was a shock. i guess it kills the hope I always held inside that he would be one of the successes one of the few who do get clean and sober and that is heartbreaking. Because my Tommy was involved in that lifestyle for a while I knew personally what it was like to fear for your child's life, to worry if I could have done anything more and to know the sadness that comes with knowing there is nothing you can do to change their choices or help them. With drugs and suicide also there can be a shame felt in the way your child passes and if there are any of you parents on this site who have felt that shame to tell you I really do understand I will not judge you and I am happy to talk privately via email with anyone who would like to. My email is no1mslesley@gmail.com We are all walking the road of sorrow and shattered lives albeit with some differences but we are still all parents who have lost a child. I thank the universe for directing me to this site and for the help and care I have received here. You are all wonderful people. Thank you.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Received some very sad news today, my Tommy's best friend overdosed and was on life support in PA and the decision was made to switch off today. I am gutted known him since he was 2yrs old and always in our house. He never got over Tommy's death in fact he spiralled out of control soon after and has had endless rehabs and jail time. Can't believe he is gone he was so full of life but also tortured by the drug lifestyle. Drugs wreck so many lives it is desperately sad. His parents are friends of mine too and I wish i was there to hug them because I know that pain of loss only too well and understand the hard road ahead of them. i will write to them in a week or two letting them know I can listen and understand their pain. Brings up stuff for me too and have spent the day crying but at least I am comforted that Tommy will have come to get his friend and the besties will be together again in the next life. RIP Mikey we will miss you.
  8. Loss of Adult Son

    dewbs I am sorry you lost your boy it is a terrible burden to carry. please also join us on loss of an adult child and share your story and experience. It does not have to be a lonely journey there are lots of us in the same boat struggling to make sense of it all and missing our children desperately. i am glad you found us and hope you will find some comfort here.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    steve'smom I am sorry today is a hard day for you and that you find something meaningful in yet another year. I know it is still painful and always will be but you have made it this far probably not really knowing how you made it but here you are. I hope you are able to share more with us when the time feels right. somersky going through skylar's notes will be hard, no doubt, but there may be answers there too. I do believe there is a right time for everything except losing our children and maybe now is the time you are strong enough to deal with more details. each difficult time lasts a little less and we are able to bounce back just a little quicker because we are strong and we are survivors. hang in there.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    louann my email is no1mslesley@gmail.com The offer to communicate privately to anyone who does not want to post publicly is open to all. Tbear sending peaceful thoughts to your family on this difficult day. I hope you can pass it in ways that are meaningful to you and Nick. Nce pics your grandaughters are adorable and it is nice to see some dads on the forum too. How many kids and grandkids do you have? So today I lost it a bit in my local garden centre. They were playing xmas music which on the whole I can deal with (not Silent Night though.) but then they played "Walking in the air" from the animated movie "The Snowman" and tears fell. That is my favourite movie of all time. We have played it every xmas eve since my kids were born and I tear up every time when he melts. The little boy in it is ginger so it has always has specific meaning with Tommy and now that he has gone it breaks my heart more. You guys should all check it out it is a beautiful short movie which little kids/grandkids would love. So I was at the register luckily no on else there and I apologised and explained to the cashier. She was lovely her eyes filled and she said "I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you". She told me some of the ways her friend who lost a six yr old son 7yrs ago coped at Xmas which was nice, and hoped that I would be ok and that she would be thinking of me and treasuring her own children more. So some people can be very kind.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    somersky glad to see you are back. try to think of future testing as a positive, it means if there is any abnormality in anyone it will show up and can be treated. no one has any knowledge of a genetic disorder until something happens. Please do not blame yourself, genetic disorders usually occur randomly, sometimes just once and it is with a mix of both you and your husband's genes. Each child inherits some genes of each parent, that is why their genetic makeup is not identical just random as they are all individuals. Often nothing is suspected until someone displays symptoms and it can be a one off. With knowledge comes treatment and prevention. I love the candle burning for Skylar, and wish you well with your complaint against the doctor you said hit him. There will be an internal investigation at the hospital and a note made on his records so there will be a consequence even if you do not get to hear about it. Do no harm is the doctor's motto and it sounds like he definitely abused his position. luanne I am sorry to hear your son has a genetic disorder it must have been hard to get your head around it when first diagnosed and it is natural to worry about him after Kira died. We all worry about our other children too. Genetics are extremely complicated and if you actually think of the way each cell behaves and how they "know" whether to be a skin or bone or muscle cell etc it is actually miraculous that so many people escape disorders. Does not make you feel any better that your child was the one who had a problem though I do understand. However here we all are ,bereaved parents thinking we had won the life lottery and our kids had got to adulthood safe and sound and healthy and then Bam we lost them. This is why we are so lucky to have this group of caring individuals who help lift us up when we are down and share some of our life stories and vulnerabilities with. by sharing we open up discussions and give advice without realising that our words have the power to help change someone else's life and also heal us slowly by voicing our fears and frustrations and behaviours. This allows us to become a group of warriors not an isolated griever. Also Louann we find our way here exactly when we should, perhaps before would have been too early for you to be able to receive and act upon posts. I arrived here over a year after Tommy died and it was the right time for me. before then my judgement was too clouded and angry and I probably would have only been posting negatively and ignoring those who are further ahead than me who therefore have more experience and wisdom, missing out on their help. Jean I am glad you found us here. Even if you only read posts initially you will come to find your voice and become a part of this caring community. tbearw58 your son was such a good looking young man. Was that his daughter he was holding or someone else? Grief is for sure a very long journey that really lasts a lifetime because as parents we will all always miss our spirit children in our lives. I am glad you posted there must have been something that prompted you to post again after a long break. We would love to hear you share more about your boy when you are ready to. dianne i know nov is a month you dread just know you are thought of and cared about here by many. And a last footnote for all of us to remember, our spirit children are always with us.
  12. 18 Months since I Heard Your Laugh

    missmyboy oh what a hard hard thing to accept that your son will not come back. i am sorry for your loss, but glad that you reached out for communication with parents who understand that awful pain personally. My son was killed in 2015 and i still miss him every day. You are right that you were doing what was expected of you at the time dealing with fans and probably the media too, but now all of that has faded you realise your time to grieve has started. As time goes by others move forward and we often feel left behind and guilty that we are still not ready or fixed. there is not a specific time limit on grief, most of us believe it only truly ends when we hold our spirit children in our arms again at the end of our natural lives. reality is raw and scary and depressing. Do you get to grieve and remember with your daughter? Losing a sibling is a terrible loss too but in a different way. my 3 adult children seem to be doing ok they support each other but don't often talk about Tommy with me because they know I am very sad still and struggle sometimes. My daughter put it to me quite bluntly "Mum I know Tommy has gone and it is awful but we are still here and still alive so you need to be there for us". Tough words but she is right so I try to do that. there will be no more photos or videos of our spirit child, or visits and that is very painful to grasp but just know steve is still with you by your side and one day you will see and hold him again. Most of us post on loss of a child on the loss of an adult thread at the top the one with a huge number of views. It keeps us all together in one place you can join us there when you are ready ok?
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    jeffsmom that was beautifully and accurately put. We should all be grateful to those who lost their lives in order to give us freedom and also care for those who are still living but need medical psychiatric or financial help. Many of us have suffered post traumatic stress disorder from losing our child but many of these veterans have witnessed far more than one traumatic incident and lost colleagues and friends, by deliberately volunteering themselves in order to help others. I am grateful for all our forces and emergency personnel. In the UK we buy and wear a red poppy in remembrance. The red poppy grows wild and symbolises the blood that was shed so that we can live with freedom of war or occupation.
  14. Loss of Adult Son

    jeanp I am sorry for your loss it is the hardest thing to deal with. You are so new to the grief journey and I am afraid it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to find some balance and healing. truthfully you will miss your son for the rest of your life but as time goes by and you slowly adjust, life goes on and that sharp agony you feel now will get less. You are very fortunate to have such a great support group you will need them for a good while and it really helps. I miss my son too. Tommy was 24 when he was killed , in 2015 and not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish he was still around to chat with and see, it still seems unreal sometimes. Just know that your son is still with you you just cannot see him but one day long in the future you will see him again. It is not forever it is just for right now.