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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Tommy's mum

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About Tommy's mum

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    tommy's mum

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  • Loss Type
    my adult son was killed trying to save his suicidal friend.
  • Angel Date
    Aug 16th 2015

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1,124 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    happy birthday Jaboa and leah thinking of you today especially. dianne you are so right about grief hitting at different times especially when having to deal with paperwork. I was not able to update my will and other paperwork until just before Xmas last year because it meant taking Tommy's name off. I just could not do it. I could write that he had passed away but that deletion of his name hurt so much it almost felt disloyal somehow. however I know it needed to be done so that there will not be a problem when I am gone for my other children, and I eventually managed to do it. Tommy passed in Aug 2015 and so you see there are always different challenges, at different stages, in different years, but we slowly get through them and learn as we go. It all takes time and sometimes you have to build up to something before doing it. There are always going to be difficult days sometimes without a reason and you just need to roll with it and do whatever you have learned as a coping mechanism. I like the black bag idea. so I will get my cast off tomorrow and start to slowly part weight bear with the walker and be able to go back home to my cat. been very well looked after by my parents but need to try and manage for myself. When I am really fatigued I just crawl on my hands and knees not very dignified but it works! I joined a Facebook forum for people with broken ankle injuries and have found it quite helpful although at the moment I have the dubious title of most surgeries and longest rehabilitation! My oldest daughter Annaliese is coming for a long weekend with her boyfriend which will be lovely although I really can only sit on the sofa. Her birthday is March 1st and she will be 25years old. last week she told me sadly that it feels really weird to be older than her older brother Tommy and to know she will always be older than him now.
  2. letty you need to post on loss of an adult child thread by Mom of Justin the one with over 2 million views go to the last page and post there. We will help you any way we can ok
  3. My son my son..Why???

    moe and Letty join us loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin the one with over 2 million views, go to the last page and post there. we will help you
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    colleen in the UK if you make the V sign with your fingers facing outwards it means peace or Victory, if you face them inwards and flick them up and down it means "F k off". When my Tommy went to preschool the American kids taught him the middle finger telling him it was hallo. He came home quite upset when he was told off and I had to explain what it meant! Cultural differences!! susan I think there are several factors that come into play 1.the kid had a troubled home life before adoption and could possibly have developmental delays and then his adoptive mum died. 2. he was always a strange kid as evidenced by the other students comments so perhaps felt very isolated and alone and was probably bullied. 3.he took solitary control of things by learning to use violence. However every kid knows right from wrong and that killing is bad even if they have psychological problems. The act was carefully planned and executed with the addition of setting off the alarms to get more kids out of the classrooms. That indicates a psychopathic and clever personality who planned carefully for a maximum result. He also chose not to kill himself but to try and outwit the authorities and even went to buy food etc afterwards because he had no empathy a classic psychopath trait. He is definitely damaged but also competent to stand trial and take the consequences for his awful actions. Although he was grieving he showed definite clear signs of needing control and using aggression to get different responses. I agree violent killing video games definitely have a damaging effect on young vulnerable minds and that parents do need to uphold rules in their homes with consequences for their choices and not let their kids run riot expecting teachers to cure them. That is not the teachers job teaching morals and empathy and good choices must be learned at home by good example. I know several families who had guns and never had any issues with their kids because they taught respect and safety for guns and used them for killing animals to eat. My personal thoughts are that killing animals for sport ior trophies is quite sick, for eating is totally different. I do believe America has caused this problem by selling the types of weapons they do. If you were only allowed a shotgun or rifle for hunting then should an individual go rogue there would be far less fatalities. licenses and rules for not allowing domestic violence or offenders or those with psychiatric conditions to purchase weapons is a no brainer and commonsense. I am very sad to say that everyone should protest and bring awareness to the gun problem because we have a right to our voice to be heard but the devil is in the details and the NRA have too much power backed by politician approval and the money generated is huge so nothing much will change. I fear there will be many many more of these tragedies in the future which is horrifying and beyond believing, but there will always be sick individuals who believe in a cause or want to erradicate a group because of their own personal agendas and to make headlines for their own fame. The innocent will suffer and we will grieve alongside them with the knowledge that nothing will change for the better. If i was still in America I would go out and support my children in school walk outs just as i stood beside them on the teacher picket lines supporting the teachers, and I emailed the school superintendents and principals in protest of "kick a ginger" day and not allowing the girl sports teams to wear their sport jerseys at school like the boys did. We must all follow our instincts and do what we can to right wrongs and sometimes you win ie the womens right to vote and segregation being abolished, and some will fail but not for lack of trying. Peace and goodwill and kindness towards others should be something we all strive for to try and make this world a better and safer place and can be taught by parent example. on a lighter note Louanne love that kitty photo so funny. my cat is such a buddy to me as I live alone and animals display unconditional love and devotion we have a lot to learn from them. georgina good to hear from you I am wishing both your daughters well. To all the rest of us, you are all doing so well and making progress. grief sucks but together we will overcome it and one day the newbies will be far enough along to repeat the cycle of kindness to other newbies and offer the perspectives they have learned on the way from the members who helped them. I wish you all peace.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    colleen I hear you, I have SAD too and the long winter and weak sunlight is draining. I do see daffodils snowdrops and crocuses out so Spring is on the way. To all you newbies the Spring and warm summer do help your mood lift a little, it is good to get outside and let the beauty of Nature soothe your soul. Nature shows us the circle of life and regrowth from old or dead looking trees and plants, and that is us trying to regrow again into something beautiful. As some plants bloom at their best 2 or more years on, so we will grow, each season putting out small tendrils of ourselves towards the light. I am a huge gardener (as my ankle allows) and so I see a lot of synchronicity in Nature. samantha you will tell us about your family when you are ready we do not need to know everything to help you and like Dee and Kate I read for a while before posting then took a break because I was not there yet and then came back. That is a common theme leaving to deal with what you have to deal with and then coming back a bit stronger. peggy all your family want to do is not leave you on your own because they love you. Simply explaining that it takes all you have to keep it together at work and that you need to collapse in the familiarity of your home and let it all go. Assure them you will text or call when you feel able to go out, and that it will take you time to get there, should be enough. dee lovely poem. I feel that all traces of my son are gone too things fade a bit over time ,but I know he is still in photos and in his siblings and in spirit by our sides always. We remember our spirit children in a different way now, not by the smell of their cologne or perfume, not by hearing their laugh or their voice, but by their presence in our hearts and memories. We just have to love them in a different way that is all and in time we learn to do that. kate I am sure your boy had a hand in bringing that young man to you because he knew you had what that man needed at that time and were ready to help. A success story with your care, what a blessing. Tina if you are there hugs to you So you know I love picture quotes ,so here are some that I think are appropriate today
  6. New here

    donnac firstly sorry for your loss. A grandbaby is a joyous thing to have but in the circumstances must be very painful. I guess you feel conflicted with emotions excited to see her grow but angry she won't have her Mom, joy at being a grandmother but grief that you lost a daughter, constant emotional battles. Your girl was so young but her baby survived and you will be a really important figure in her life as you can tell her all about her Mom as she grows up. I imagine your son in law is feeling very similar to you and perhaps you can lean on each other at this sad time. Men do grieve differently, the most common ways they demonstrate grief is in anger or withdrawal almost an indifference. That does not mean they are not also crying inside and privately as they are expected to be the strong one the head of the family. You are correct your life will never be the same it will always be in 2 parts before and after and you find your personality and how you deal with things also changed. It is not a metamorphosis that we expect or want but we have to change in order to cope with the loss. There will forever be a sadness in your soul a yearning to have your child back because you are a Mom and that's what we do, but in time, a long time you will learn to use that pain and lost love and put it to good use, giving to others in your daughter's memory. We all meet on Loss of an Adult child thread at the top of the page the one with over 2million views. Click on that thread and go to the last page and post on there. We are all parents who have lost a child and have had a lot of newbies all join at once so trying to catch everyone and redirect them so we are all in one place together. You are not alone ok?
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    we are all souls who have been deeply wounded. Stories about death of any child/adult child are bound to affect us because of our loss and inspire strong feelings. That said, I prefer the usual forum without anger and misunderstandings and hurt feelings. samantha your pain and distress are clear. I too have howled like an animal from the depths of my soul. One thing I found helpful in the early days was going to a completely private area of private land well away from anyone and screaming at the top of my lungs. I was like a banshee screaming anger pain and his name. It only lasted about 15 minutes but the relief was instantaneous. It took some of that burning emotion and gave it a voice. Afterward I felt drained but it did feel good. The sheep and wild horses were a little surprised though. I only did it twice but it did make some difference. Too often we are forced to sob in the shower or into a pillow so no one hears, muffling the pain, trying to hide the terrible distress we feel. It almost makes you feel guilty hoping not to be overheard. It is ok it is healthy to let it out. hugs to you
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    actually Tina just to clarify, I meant I acknowledge the GRIEFstruggles you have mentioned recently , it was absolutely nothing to do with the topic that has caused such strong feelings. As I said I will be happy to help you with the loss of your daughter if you like. You can message me privately if you prefer not to post on the forum or not. Like I said grief is something we have in common. If you choose to leave I hope you find support somewhere else and I also wish you well for the future. just saw on Facebook an organisation from Moms who demand action called Act.everytown.org which gets volunteers together in your local area to effect change. Check it out if you are interested. Ok that is IT, like Dianne, I am done on this subject.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    dianne thank you for your kind words to me. I know you are beyond angry at the moment because of an opinion voiced by one of our members but I am so thankful that you meant done with this topic not with the group because we need your input and way with words. Effect changes in the ways you can, because you believe passionately in saving people from guns and change has to start at grass level. I applaud your passion. Just as we grieve individually we believe differently and that is the way of the world. i am totally opposed to guns period and shudder to think what happens if more civilians arm themselves. Shootings are always tragic but when they involve innocent children and young adults my blood boils. To send kids to school or college and put them literally in the firing range absolutely appals me and I will do what i can to effect changes and support like minded individuals in my small way in my little piece of the world. On Facebook today someone suggested arming staff, I was incredulous outraged and very sad. Dee Dianne and Sherry I stand with you but I hope this does not break our little community apart because all of us are necessary to maintain the high level of support offered here. However I also respect Tina in having her opinion even though we are diametrically opposite on guns, gun laws (or lack of) and laws .Opinions are the truths we all believe and we have a right to opinions. Tina I choose to talk to you on subjects relating to grief and loss because we have that in common. I cannot understand your stance on guns, and you probably equally cannot understand mine so i choose to not engage with you on that subject. I know you have been struggling recently and if there is anyway I can help with that let me know ok? niquesmom i have posted from time to time on the online forum but definitely feel more of a connection here with this group, and it is too much to be on both sites regularly. I have emailed and asked for groups in our area as there do not appear to be any and await their reply. They have been supportive and sent me some leaflets on loss which I appreciated. I think I may feel brave enough now to attend a group setting and it would be good to step out into the world a bit from the confines of my home which I rarely do. That is when I can walk and drive again of course!
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate Louann Dianne and dee I am solidly with you guys too.I do not believe anyone would want anyone kicked off the site for expressing their hatred of guns and lack of gun policies, you are all welcome to your viewpoint. This is a political issue but no one is pushing their views. I believe we all feel the horror and disbelief and anger that innocents were slaughtered and are very saddened because we know the pain the families have to go through. If there is anyway to prevent shootings or changing laws I fully support your efforts. I am in the UK where thank goodness we do not have a gun issue so all I can do is sign petitions and highlight the heroes who saved lives and not give any media attention to the shooter. It is a sad sad world. margarett this is why this wonderful site works so well because we do personally understand. We speak reality and truth not the bullshit you get told by those who do not know what they are talking about. Go out when you are able, do not worry about the tears just look at how the staff reacted to you with tears of their own because they could not imagine the pain you are in but felt it in their hearts. They will go home and hug their kids a bit longer. Your story touches people. i know your boy is gone but his story will go on ahead of him. I still very rarely wear makeup because it gets smudged/wiped off, it seems a bit pointless although I always used to. We are forever changed after a loss. I wish too that we could meet up. Because we have shared so much of our inner struggles together it feels like we are true friends and I know if we met it would feel absolutely right. I am thinking about reaching out to other bereaved parents in my area to see if we could start up a support group locally, because to meet in real life would be awesome. There are only bereavement groups not child bereavement groups and there is a difference,
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    lovely post Dianne you have a way with words that is so helpful. dee YOU GO GIRL!!! Something has to change, these premeditated slaughters of children/young adults are unforgiveable. Seeing the parents breaking down on tv just makes me cry. I guess the murder of children just touches a chord in all of us. I echo you and ask how all our old friends are who have been absent for a while are doing? niquesmom lovely photo stay strong.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    peggy Ronnie was your only child so you must feel robbed both of your child and any future grandchildren so hard for you. I think we have a couple of parents who lost their only child too but they have not posted in a while. When you lose a child at any age you also lose their future and also part of your own future it is an ongoing pain. Do you have a husband or partner? Any family that live close by? friends or neighbours? Eating and taking care of yourself seems worthless and pointless but that is what will sustain you in the months ahead. Take a multivitamin/mineral supplement every day and drink plenty of water that will help with diet deficits when you just dont have the energy or care to eat or prepare food. I feel your pain and send hugs.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    I agree sorry, prayer and condolences do nothing to stop shootings. Take action and stop the sale of guns period. I don't want to hear guns don't kill people, people kill people. NOT TRUE people WITH guns kill people. It is another appalling tragedy with more families suffering the loss that we know only too well. So glad the UK has no guns here. Part of the problem is bullying which causes the bullied to rise up one day and take action in a defensive way and we need to start at the root of the problem to be able to prevent this. two of my kids experienced bullying and the problem of the bullies is never addressed they are not penalised in any way, it is the victim who has to attend classes and be known as a grass or snitch. Take the bullies out of school name and shame and force them to attend classes and change their attitude. Parents also need to take responsibility and face upto the fact their child is a bully and will not be tolerated in any school or place. The other part is the free availability of weaponry that is upto the president and Congress to change. Also the problem of kids wanting 15 minutes of fame in any way they can get it, wanting the infamy of being the most prolific killer. These kids have clear signs from early childhood that demonstrate cruelty, indifference and lack of empathy that need early intervention as soon as possible. margarett you can do this I know you do not see any light or future right now that is totally appropriate for the stage you are at, but I promise you things will very slowly get better. I know that seems impossible and you feel yourself sliding further and further into depression and hopelessness but take heart from all the parents here that are survivors of loss. We too have been in that pit of hell we understand what others cannot. peggy yes the heart is gone, it does not feel like it matters that you have other children and family members it will never be the same. However that in time will change and one day you will be able to continue on in a happier albeit changed way.
  14. denisa I am sorry you lost your brother that has to be hard. It is lovely that you are trying to find some support for your mother especially when you go back home and to work. Encourage her to join us on the Loss of an adult child thread started by Mom of justin. Its at the top the one with multiple replies and over 2million views. We are all parents who have lost a child/children and we all collect there so we are all in one place and don't miss anyone. We have both seasoned members and newbies whose loss like yours is very new and offer support encouragement and a safe non judgemental place to chat and talk about our child. You may like to join the loss of a sibling thread as that is more applicable to you. Because it is online the time zones don't matter and members post as and when they can. It is a caring community that is very valuable.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Everyone needs to bear in mind that we all grieve differently. Although there are 5 official stages to grief which are denial, anger,bargaining,depression and acceptance it is a whole lot more complicated than that, Some people miss out a stage or two and then go back or stay at the same level for a time. There is no "normal"you just have to kinda roll with it and try and make sense of what is happening around you at that time and do the best with what you have. My ex husband got the news that our son had been killed and carried on and went to work. He took no time off. He did not tell anyone and to this day I am not sure he has. That is his way he is very emotionally repressed anyway and has a very logical mind so does not show emotions. I am very much more in touch with my feelings and have cried several oceans of tears over the last 2 or so years, yet there are times when I still feel numb and empty and tearless. It can be different from day to day. Some people just cannot cry because they are in such shock and disbelief but there comes a time when that wall comes down and it just hits you. None of you newbies are wrong or crazy or in denial you are just grieving. It is so sad to have so many new parents all at once but by having the courage to share and being able to bond with other parents is very positive. Being understood is powerful, having some of your fears allayed is priceless and knowing you are not alone and others have your back is a huge gift. donnac we welcome you to our group although to qualify you have to have been through the same terrible ordeal. Share what you can when you can with us and talk about your daughter. Reaching out for help is difficult because talking about what happened is so traumatic and upsetting and you feel so vulnerable and lost. I was fortunate to have had mental health support that is ongoing andI had an amazing bereavement counsellor that I saw for a year who really helped me to go into detail what happened and make some peace with each part. Sometimes it is too soon after the event to be helpful because you are still a little in denial and also not ready mentally to take onboard what is said. I say any help you can get go for it you have nothing to lose, but also keep in mind that the real benefits of therapy may come later on. tina yep I have been at that stage many times, "I don't want this life, I must be being punished for something I did even though I don't think I did anything, why can I not catch a break? I am a kind person who goes out of her way to help anyone so I don't get why I am being pounded financially, and emotionally. Why me? What next?" Yes I know that dialogue very well. I guess there probably is not an answer except bad things happen to good people too. I am an atheist now so do not go for the "God won't give me more than I can handle" stuff but if you have faith you need to trust your journey . one thing I do know is that we meet people for a reason, they come into our lives at a time that is difficult and help to hold our hand. You were all directed to this site and this thread as we were, whatever your beliefs we can help each other.