Tommy's mum

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About Tommy's mum

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    tommy's mum

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  • Loss Type
    my adult son was killed trying to save his suicidal friend.
  • Angel Date
    Aug 16th 2015


  • About Me
    I have four children. Tommy will always be 24, my daughters are 22 and 23 and my other son is 20. i live alone with my ginger cat but have my parents and one of my sisters living close by. i am also one of four and very close to all my siblings. I am too unwell still at this time to work.

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  1. georgina I hope you are doing ok having sickness or surgery is debilitating. kate I am glad you found ways to cope with the loss of your lovely boy. I did not leave a note either too difficult to find words when your brain is overwhelmed and you are so tired of trying to make it through. Depression can be very subtle and creep up on you catching you offguard. You feel stupid and unworthy and useless that is what your brain tells you even when that is not the case. You don't want to worry anyone especially family thinking you can make things better yourself it is an uphill battle. that is how it was for me anyway. There is nothing anyone can do to stop you when the decision is made and you are absolutely correct if it is serious it is usually fatal not a cry for attention. You get it right the first time. The other thing that you don't realise when going through that pain yourself is the awful impact on your family and friends afterward. I truly believed I was an awful Mum a rubbish human being and that everyone would be better off without me because i was a drain on their happiness and potential. I believed it would be better for my kids to not to be torn between two parents to just have one evn though i know he does not fill all their needs and cant show them enough love. My depression lied. I suspect it was a similar case for your son, he could see your love for him but was too ill and tired to worry. i am so sorry you went through what you did, you are an amazing person to come out strongly. mermaidtears your quotes and words as always are spot on thanks. shannon thanks for sharing your daughter's story. She was beautiful. How difficult for Ashley to keep going with the sadness and guilt it is so tragic that she could no longer cope with losing her dear friend. I am glad you could keep in touch with her and let her know it was not her fault. I am sure she probably had PTSD and there were probably other major stresses in her life besides nursing school that became too overwhelming. It must be very hard for you and your family at this time and in the future because grief for someone special lasts a lifetime, but your strength, experiences and friendship can help Ashley's family too. dee bringing public awareness to the number of suicides would be very helpful. It may spark conversations within families and friends, schools and workplaces.
  2. Shannon so sorry about that young girl another tragedy. I'm sorry I don't remember your story (empty brain syndrome) was this the girl driving when your son was killed? I guess it was a car accident that caused his loss. I am sorry I get some stories a bit muddled up sometimes as we are fortunate to have many members. Each death is a horrible horrible tragedy but suicide seems to cause more questions for those left behind, who wonder what they missed and what they could have done, whereas in reality they could not prevent the suicide. it is the individuals final decision to end their pain which I absolutely get because I have been there and I will never forgive myself for what I put my family through. Your mind is altered by mental instability and you are very often not in control of yourself or your actions. It is a terrible terrible thing. I believe that is a hell on earth. Please understand i absolutely do not mean to offend anyone by minimising their own losses, we all walk together in grief and pain and are forever changed and we all suffer through hell. I am so glad you came back to share it validates that no one understands like another bereaved parent and allows us all to help each other and ourselves. I think there is a separate forum for suicide which may be really helpful for those who need it on this site? dee so sorry that Gillian too was a suicide. We do seem to have a huge problem in all countries where the numbers have risen alarmingly despite the fact that we are taking steps to alleviate it. Often the professional medical and psychiatric help is not affordable or available in the necessary time which is appalling. Instant recognition is essential to be able to keep a vulnerable person safe until with proper medications and therapy until they are more mentally stable and enjoy a chance to relive life. Some people like me get a second chance but others sadly do not. I also feel it is also because life is way more stressful than it ever has been before and that our coping skills have gotten less strong. Also in the instant society in which we live I especially fear for our younger adults and teens who are so used to acting out every emotion via phone or text or instagram who are perhaps caught up in a momentary lapse of stability and act impulsively. It is a fearful thing. all we can do is to be a listening ear to those in need beside our family members and just encourage everyone to talk and share and be able to offer them a lifeline of help support and hope. Dee and devianz a tree is a wonderful idea for memorialising, showing growth and bloom and life besides replacing valuable trees for our world and sustenance for wildlife. I love trees and have planted some in every garden I have had. In my mini UK garden I have miniature trees in pots. I hear very good things about EMDR therapy hope it works to minimise the trauma. We have all been traumatised by the loss of our children whether we were present when they passed or not, whether we had to make medical decisions to stop life support or found them passed away in their sleep. all we can do is support each other and carry on and share. Although it may seem minor sometimes a word or two or a quote can change someone's day or be meaningful. I will be thinking of you on Nathan's angel date especially it is a hard day to get through. sorry you have had so much **** happen and hope your precious belongings are safe from water damage. laurie hope you are doing ok and feel our support. jeffsmom thanks for your kind words it is very difficult to coparent adult children with two warring parents. I am frequently misunderstood when my daughter in particular takes offence at something she perceives as insulting to her father. I cannot tell her that if I meant something mean I would just come out and say it! have given up after many years of trying to make peace for thier sake it takes two willing parents to do and he won't try at all so we ignore and avoid each other at all costs. sad but just the way it is. Yes your gg has been forgiven here!!
  3. Dianne i have never seen anything even vaguely offensive in your posts. i think you are one of the most supportive and understanding members. i am sad you felt the need to withdraw but sooo glad you came back to us you were missed. We are not always going to agree with each other or each other's thoughts because we are all unique individuals, just because we all have lost a child does not mean we have identical thought processes. it depends on where you are in your journey. The parent that upset you was prob still in the anger/defensive stage and hit out because of her own stuff not yours. I like that we are all different. mermaidtears i agree we all need to strive to be kind aand try and make a difference in a positive way even if it seems very small and insignificant. i believe maya Angelou made a well known quote about you never forget how someone made you feel and that is true. Words can raise you up or bring you down they have a power that is huge.
  4. yes summer is busy so people are not always available to post. I went to my youngest daughter's graduation yesterday so have been away a couple days mostly travelling on a bus! Soo proud to see her graduate after taking a year out uni to recover after losing her brother. I had tears of pride in my eyes but also a sadness in my heart which all of you bereaved parents are familiar with. It is like being two different people inhabiting the same body with different emotions inside. Then oddly on the last bus back home there was a Tommy lookalike who sat next to me across the aisle. He had the same colour hair and haircut the music earbuds plugged in and a Tshirt and hoodie and black pants which was pretty much always Tommy's dresscode. At first I kept sneaking looks at him marvelling at the extreme resemblance and took it to be a sign that my son was saying "I was there in spirit Mum." fortunately I felt very calm not distressed and was able to feel a sense of peace. I spent the journey thinking about him and it was ok. sadly the lead singer of my fave band Linkin Park comitted suicide yesterday. I was really saddened esp as they were the first band I took Tommy to see live when he was 14. depression really warps your mind as well I know myself and destroys your peace and wellbeing sometimes leading to suicide in an attempt to leave behind the pain of trying to cope with life among neurotypical happy people. It is an illness that often goes undetected because you learn to try and cover it up when around others and is a daily fight to appear normal when inside your soul is shrieking for peace and the ability to cope and be happy with what life puts in front of you. It is a desperate quest for elusive happiness and contentment even when you deeply love others and they love you. It makes you feel worthless, hopeless, subhuman ,different, a failure and is very draining, and distorts the world around you. depression is a slow torture of the mind. We need to be more aware of depression and able to destigmatise it because it is in fact so common in the general population.
  5. jeffsmom glad your sons birthday passed peacefully. My son's birthday and angelbersary are both in aug so I still have that to face. No matter how long it has been it is still such a wrench. louann my sister and family are away on holiday and will be back on fri thanks for asking. Yes I have adapted to my nephew my heart still misses a beat from time to time but I just focus on getting through the here and now and enjoying the moment with them. You will continue to heal slowly and eventually come to realise that so many people are scared of death and do not know what to say or how to act so avoid the family. It is really hard to see others moving on and getting their lives together but know that underneath they have been changed by Kira's death. Death changes everyone but especially the family involved and it is easier to go on if you are more on the periphery. mermaidtears it is a lot of organisation for you but a lovely gathering together of people who loved John David. Veto is just adorable! Colleen what a brave and unselfish act of kindness and it shows how far you have come. Sometimes it takes years to have the anger and injustice dissipate but when it does it is so freeing. I am so proud of you I know how hard that must have been to write. You are right that a death causes pain to a lot of other people esp if it was down to their actions and to kill his best friend is a very heavy burden to carry for life. Your forgiveness will help him to heal too. I forgave the teen who was trying to commit suicide and fell with my Tommy. I managed to trace him on FB and we exchanged a few messages. I forgave him and he apologised to me and I know it was the right thing to do for both of us. We are no longer in contact what needed to be said was said and we both move on. Maybe years from now he will contact me again and tell me his life is good and he has made use of that vital second chance that he was given or maybe not. Who knows? I think you will find some peace knowing that something that has been on your mind for so long is now put to bed.
  6. dee what is amazing is that people who cared about Eri still come to show support after such a long time. It must make your heart swell with pride.Eri was very popular and much loved. I hope you are doing ok. No one in the UK apart from family knew my Tommy. All my friends who were close to him live in the USA and his friends are in PA and hawaii so I mourn alone. My family leave me in peace on his birthday and angelversary both in Aug so I can do what I want to do. My kids will call. it is good to know that you guys are all out there for me you understand how hard it is. Louann it is strange to have a foot in both places, mourning one child and enjoying being with their siblings. Joy at their acheivements and successes yet feeling sad because one is missing. Seeing how your children grow up and develop and wondering what our spirit child would have done with their life. making new memories yet having one life forever stopped at a moment in time. I think this is why grief is so confusing.
  7. gretchen glad your dogs help you heal. I believe it is the mother instinct that makes us want to nurture things again after loss and it definitely soothes the soul. Animals always love and never judge and are always happy to see you. dee glad you are ok. hope the balloon launch goes well and Erica sees them all for her. Your poem was lovely thanks. kate birthdays are still hard aren't they? just the hard fact that we cannot ever celebrate with that child again whilst on this earth is still shattering every year. Still look back on other birthdays and happy memories to ease the pain. A walk sounds like a good plan, it clears the mind a little and shows Nature all around you.
  8. Jilty and anybody else I am so sorry both of you lost children to suicide. it must be very hard for you both and cause a lot of soul searching. Sometimes a letter is left with an explanation sometimes the words are too hard to write. Often there is a mental illness or severe depression that may not have been diagnosed that affect the decision to end life. I have been there and am a survivor of a very severe suicide attempt after losing my son and suffering a mental breakdown. Most of us parents post on the thread Loss of an adult child because it is the most active and keeps us all together so your posts are answered more quickly. we have parents who lost children of all ages from babies to adults in their 30's and all work together to support each other on this lonely and devastating grief journey. Please join us there and tell us about your children and what you struggle with and we will support you both . You are not alone ok? My eldest son Tommy was killed in aug 2015 and i still struggle on a day to day basis. If people ask me how Im doing I shrug and say good days bad days it is very difficult. That is usually enough for people to feel they have acknowledged your loss and not ignored the issue as so many others do. They usually dont ask further questions but if I feel like sharing I do. Some days I am stronger than others it depends. both of you are still in those lost scary first few months, trying to make sense of it all and dealing with police and coroners etc it is an awful time. However shock cushions you a little that first year, and it is just a case of taking it one day at a time to get through. The grief over losing a child is forever, they are your child that you birthed and took care of and you miss them every day for the rest of your life. However in time you learn coping skills to be able to keep on going and very slowly the painful memories become overtaken by happier ones and so you go on. There will always be more painful times, birthdays Xmas graduations weddings and of course the angelversary date but with love and support and professional help we all get through.
  9. Devianz great photo handsome boy. i missed you posting. Tinay we are always here no words fall on deaf ears. Even if you are not always mentioned by name (there are so many of us to mention sometimes!) you are always a valuable group member. Somersky i am sorry for your tragic and sudden loss. Sadly cardiac deaths often occur out of the blue without warning. Sometimes there is a genetic link and testing for your family is a good idea, but often it is undiagnosed until after the event. It is so difficult to accept a young healthy person who is full of life and not even reached their peak can be snuffed out so fast. Your boy was so handsome love the pictures. Also the fact that you were able to raise money in Skylar's memory is awesome what did you put it towards? Flashbacks are common it is just one of the unpleasant things we need to work through. I too am almost into my second year and have been feeling more depressed. I guess it all sinks in a bit more, the reality is our children are not coming back and we know we have a lifetime of silent sorrow. Not many people mention my Tommy either even my family but is is ok as long as we do their memory stays alive. We all know our children are still out there by our side knowing they are loved and loving us back we just cant see them for now. I am glad you reached out and joined us you are definitely in the right place here.
  10. Dee hugs esp for today always a very tough time. We are here with you holding your hand. let us know how you are and how you spent the day. Hope you are ok. georgina sorry that you have had such a rough time. Take care of yourself and keep strong. Grief not only wrecks your mind and spirit it causes havoc with your body. I think the additional stresses put upon grieving parents causes inflammatory responses that cause organ issues. Also the major surges of adrenaline and cortisol can cause health problems. Also I think we are more vulnerable to infections etc because our immune systems defences are lowered because of ongoing stress and depression. mermaidtears sepsis is such a tragic disease, often going undetected until it causes major health issues. In the UK we are having a major campaign going on to help the public and health professionals recognise the early signs which are very subtle which is always a good thing. knowledge is power. What exactly happened with John david if that is not too sensitive a question? I don't think I know your story. Hope all you other Indigos are doing ok, check in when you feel upto it and let us know how you are doing.
  11. colleen sending you a big hug today for you and Brian on his birthday. I hope amongst the tears and sorrow there are happier past birthdays for you to ponder on and memories to make you feel a little better. It is always a hard day but think of all those very precious 16 years you had him.
  12. Fmamom I know how you feel it was a very very long time before I even felt a spark of life I was dead inside, alternately crying desperately and being numb. Both states are very painful and you feel out of control. Being angry is also very normal and it seems your husband is the nearest target. I am very close to my 3 siblings but I developed a bizarre phobia of the phone and could not speak to my brother and sister for several weeks. My other sister lives down the road so I could speak to her and my parents but my own 3 children all adults were in their own world of shock pain grief and anger and we all could not connect. Your little Fearne is adorable you must miss her so much I am so sorry. When our children pass they never pass alone someone from the other side comes to fetch them and although you cannot see her or hold her in your arms she is still with you every day and she is OK I promise. You will also see her again but not for a long time and that is what is so hard to bear, that physical ache all that loveyou have for her but in time, a long time from now the pain will slowly slowly ease and you will be able to see the light again and be able to live again but the here right now I know is unbearable. All of us on this site have lost children I am so glad you came back and posted. WE understand like noone else can because we have all been there personally and been in the shoes you are wearing and it is a soul destroying time but be brave be strong and deal with one day at a time hell sometimes even one hour at a time and post here. We will support you every step of the way and not judge or criticise your thoughts emotions or feelings and beliefs because we understand the chaos and pain and suffering you are going through. Please come back and tell us a liitle more about your little girl we are here to listen and support ok you are not alone.
  13. You know who the dragonfly was of course? Yep your girl just showing you she is always with you, that is all the confirmation and affirmation you need. We go along on our way shouldering our burden which will get lighter in time. just know you are valued and understood here we dont forget x
  14. Louann a wedding is a happy time people do not want it to be sad because it is supposed to be the "perfect" day. I guess Kira was a more distant relative being a cousin/niece so maybe that is why she wasn't mentioned.I understand your hurt and I know your children will mention her at their special events. At my friends wedding she had large photos of her deceased grandparents on chairs in the front row as she was very close to them and they both had passed in the last couple years. I was very touched by that gesture even though I had only met her grandpa four times and not her grandma at all. The tattoos are very meaningful a permanent reminder for life. life does go on for others as we struggle to restart again there is definitely a feeling of "thank goodness it was not my kid" from others. We are the important ones who remember for life and never forget because we all lost someone so special to us. I am so proud you made it through that is a big ask and you handled it with grace and composure. Noone probably even had an idea of the pain your family still go through on a daily basis. We here get it because we also live through each day with that broken heart but i guess if it has not happened to you personally it must be hard to be aware of the lifetime of sorrow we carry. Especially as the months and years go by and we manage to get it together to function we are presumed to have got over it but that is never the case is it? There is always a familiar face missing from family photos and special occasions that tears you up inside no matter how happy the occasion is, but that is the immediate family's secret pain. Few of my family mention Tommy regularly but its ok because I do he will never be gone for me for the rest of my lifetime until I can hold him again in my arms. he will always be my eldest son, i always say I have four children when asked and he will be remembered in my heart forever. If others dont mention him that is ok I am saddened by it but I am a loud and proud Mum!