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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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About JustMe840

  • Rank
  • Birthday 08/29/1959

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    Reading, crochet, camping
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
    August 19, 2016


  • Occupation
    General Manager
  • Country
  1. My Bed is My Favorite Place

    How funny that this is the first post I see tonight. I was just asking Bill, couldn't he come back for just one night to throw his leg over mine and his arm across my chest so I could get a decent night of sleep? I soooooooo miss the weight of him on me when I'm going to sleep, and his smell, and how warm and strong he was. I miss everything about him.....and us.
  2. When did you return to work?

    We already had vacation scheduled for the week following my husband's passing. I took that week and then went back to work. I couldn't stand sitting at home, i needed to be busy. Didn't want time to think. Still don't. I keep as busy as possible and don't think about anything more than a couple days ahead.
  3. Freaking out

    Thank you AceBasin. The problem is, the screen doesn't work so I can't turn on the debugging that's required to retrieve messages. I can see files on my computer but none of them let me into messages. The folks at At&T couldn't help me either. I'm out of time, I have to send it back within 10 days. As for the stolen phone, I gave them the person's name, known address in our town and place of employment in our town. They just don't care and I can only deal with so much at a time. He has probably deleted all of it anyway.
  4. Freaking out

    I can't sleep. To make a really long story short, Bill passed away 8 months ago. Three months or so ago my niece stole HIS cell phone for drug money. I found out who has it but the jerk wanted me to BUY it back (hell no, it's mine already ) and the police won't do anything about it because he lives in a different town. So, two weeks ago I dropped MY phone into 3 inches of diesel fuel. I thought it'd be ok because it still worked. Last Wed. it died and I had to get a new one. My problem is, I have to send back my phone because they replaced it. I now have NONE of the messages etc. we shared for the last 2 years of our life together! NOTHING!! How in the heck am I supposed to handle that?! All of the joking back and forth, teasing, harassing, I love you's, I miss you, look what i saw today.......Gone.....I can't stand it. I know you all understand what it means to me and I had to get it off my chest. No one I'm close to has lost a spouse so they don't get it. I'm not sure how to not let this make me crazy. .it feels like I'm losing him all over again. </3 :-(
  5. Thank goodness! That should bring some peace of mind. It is beyond sad what these people do to support their habit. It must truly be an awful life.
  6. AceBasin, how awful! I am so sorry for your trouble on top of losing your wife. I know I could not have handled anything like that. As for my husband's belongings....it's 8 months tomorrow and I've touched nothing. His toothbrush is still in the holder, his hat and jacket hanging where he left them etc. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's not coming back. The stuff will wait. As with everything else on this hellish journey, whatever works for YOU is the right thing. Days, weeks, months or years, there is no wrong "time".
  7. Advice please anyone?

    The hospital where my husband died is having an event where they put all the organ donor names from the previous year on a wall. They called when I didn't respond to the invitation and I gave permission to put his name up but I will not be attending. I thought about it and FELT like I should go but decided it's not what I want to do. I think it will upset me too much and nobody there has any idea who he is because he died 4 hrs away from home. I don't believe you would be denying him acknowledgement at all. Everyone who knew and loved him has done so already. That's just my personal opinion. You absolutely will do what you feel is right and that makes it the right decision.
  8. Doesn't feel right

    It's almost 7 months since Bill died. I don't have the gift of expressing what I feel or for comforting others with words. I was coming here every day but I stopped for a while because it made me feel like I wasn't grieving "right". I know there is no right or wrong way but, I feel like my behavior doesn't match how I feel. I think part of it is.....Bill drives truck. He went to work on Tuesday, I saw him for about 1/2 an hour on Wednesday on his way by, I got a call at work Thursday morning that he was in a hospital 4 hours from home headed to surgery. I talked to him for about 15 seconds, all he could say was "this hurts so bad", the way he said it was heartbreaking. I'll never forget that, I can hear it now. I told him I was sorry I couldn't fix it and that I loved him. He said he loved me too. I'm so thankful for that. He was in surgery when I got there, he ended up back in surgery an hour later, he never woke up and died Friday morning from an aortic dissection. That was August 19. 2016. We had a week vacation scheduled for the 22nd which I took off work, our anniversary was the 25th, my birthday was the 29th, the last Friday before Halloween was the pumpkin carving party we host every year ( I had it without him), his birthday was Nov. 1st, (his 60th & it was going to be awesome, 3 weeks later, Thanksgiving, 1 month later, Christmas, then New Year's, then Valentine's, and pretty soon now, Easter. All of these "firsts" , all in a rush it seemed. Plus I work 50 hrs a week, my 88 yrs. young Mom lives with us, (Me, that's so hard to adjust to.) one of our two dogs has cancer which I now can't afford to treat, my oldest son hasn't talked to me since 9 days after Bill died (that's a whole thing in itself) and my youngest son moved to Florida in January for a job. (I'm happy for him, but miss him!) I haven't had a minute to breathe! I don't have time to think. (which is fine with me actually). I write to Bill every night and stop by the cemetery every day. I miss him and everything about him, and us, so much it's unbelievable. The thing is....I don't cry, but, I've never been one to cry about anything. I just go along, doing what I do. I'm not me though. I don't laugh or talk much. (Which is shocking if you knew the old me). I don't look at pictures, I haven't moved any of his things and I have no plans to....maybe ever. I'm still trying to believe he's really not coming back. I KNOW it, but I can't believe it. I'm greatly annoyed by the fact that nobody ever says anything about him. Like he was never here. I'm hurt by the fact that other than my mom and youngest son, nobody but me MISSES him. He was amazing! Still is to me. I know this is really long but it's been on my mind a long time. I am completely heartbroken that he is gone, but, to look at me, and observe my life, you would never know that I lost my husband. And after all this, it still doesn't say what I mean. Good grief.......I am sorry. Maybe I'll try another time. Hopefully in a lot less words and making a lot more sense.
  9. Is it okay that I'm still his wife?

    It is absolutely fine to always consider yourself Ken's wife! Death may end marriage on paper, but it can't touch the love in your heart. I am 57, my Bill passed 4 1/2 months ago. I never intend to remove my rings, or get married again. It's not something I think about. The few times someone has mentioned it I simply state that I'm not interested and there are more important things that consume my mind. I don't think your feeling this way is "hanging on" nor should it make you feel inadequate. It's simply how you feel and that's ok. It's not anybody's business to tell you how to feel or that what you feel is wrong. If it feels right to you, that's all you need.
  10. It's better to have loved and lost?

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died Aug 19th this year. I totally agree with that statement. I wouldn't trade one second of the 20 years I've loved him. I will always love him and tell him often even though he's gone. I can't be sure, but I don't feel I'll ever say I loved him since I will love him until I die. I'm only a few months in so I suppose that could change, but I don't see it right now.
  11. "Helpful" Words of Support From Friends

    This is exactly why we're here, for you to rant and have folks understand. I hope you feel a litle better. Im not looking for sympathy but heres my rant...I lost my husband August 19th of this year. I haven't heard from my oldest son since 9 days after my husband died. My youngest son talks to me like crap and neither he or anyone else asks me how I'm doing. They never talk about my husband either, like he never existed. I guess they think I'm fine. That couldn't be further from the truth. I do my best to not let it bother me, it takes too much energy. I'm thinking I'd just as soon not have them ask me if they would be that insensitive. You are right, if it hasn't happened to you, you can't get it.
  12. Marriage Separation while Pregnant

    It seems it would be like veeery slowly tearing off a band-aid. It also takes a very strong person to give up what they love when it's right in front of them. I'll pray for strength and comfort for you.
  13. Marriage Separation while Pregnant

    You have all of us. You and your baby's safety and health are most important. If your heart is telling you this is what you need to do, then it's the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad about that. Though it's not how you had it planned, it's for the best. I'm in no way a counselor but that's my opinion.
  14. 72 Days

    I am so sorry for your loss Gina. I can't imagine having to care for young children in this state of mind. Yes, it does totally suck. People here say it eases up eventually, I am soooooo hoping that's true. I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. If I figure anything out, I'll be sure to pass it on so maybe it will help you. Hugs to you.