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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

KMB

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About KMB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Pets, Reading, Traditional Country Music, Nature
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    8/20/2016

Converted

  • Occupation
    Homemaker
  1. I am so scared.

    KayC, I ditto Francine! I haven't been on here much lately. Have had a family situation to deal with, which was leaving me more stressed and upset, more emotionally exhausted. I have noticed more new members that I haven't responded to, but my heart is with them. The family situation is over the hurdle and leveling out, so I have been taking time for myself to kind of regroup, center myself. I have been missing my husband so much. He was my rock, my center. it was so easy keeping everyone's needs on me balanced out when he was here.
  2. acceptance?

    I feel your pain in your words and I am relieved you are venting and releasing that pain on here. This is a safe place and we have all done the same here. We need someone who listens and understands. If we expressed every single thought, and trust me, some of those thoughts are black, to those in our reality, we would be hauled off to a padded cell. On this life line of a forum, we do not have to worry about being judged for our thoughts and feelings, thank goodness. No one really knows our raw pain, the despair, anxiety, depression, loneliness, of losing our soul mates. I am not going to say anything to your use of alcohol. I will say though, that it doesn't work. It does not make the pain disappear and it doesn't bring our loved one back. It is a temporary bandaid, and when it wears off, the feelings are even worse, if that is possible. I went through a very short phase of alcohol last December. People that I thought were friends were disappearing, some family members also. None of them know what is is like to lose a life partner. I was tired of being told that I am young looking for my age (58), that I had freedom now to go where ever and do whatever. These people could not comprehend that when you have been part of a couple for many years, and my husband and I did everything together, that I have zero interest in doing anything without him. I am not taking their advice and going on cruises, vacations or hitting up the online dating sites. How dare they make those comments! Until they are in my shoes, they can keep silent on how they think I should be living my life. Getting back to topic, I never did that much drinking in my life. A glass of beer or wine when we went out for dinner or was offered a drink while visiting friends. An occasional beer while sitting on our deck at the end of a hot, summer day. Last December, I was desperate for some relief from the pain and I spent a whole evening and most of that night trying to obliterate everything. I paid the price for it over the next couple of days. My pain was still here and my husband was still gone. I had learned the hard way, that if I was going to survive this path that God wishes for me to be on, that my grieving had to be faced head on. We cannot distract ourselves from it, ignore it. The pain always finds us. The only way I have found to help myself on this unwanted road, is to use what is in my heart. I carry my husband's love and belief in me, in my heart, and I focus on caring and giving to those I still have in my life. God is not asking anything of you that He did not experience Himself when He lost His son. God knows your pain, your loneliness for your wife and He is always going to be walking beside you and picking you up when you stumble and fall in your faith. God IS giving you the strength to get up and face each day. Personally, I do not like the word "accept". It implies consent and none of us here consented to losing our loved ones. We did not agree to our loss, but, at some point during the very long process of our grieving, our hearts need to acknowledge what happened and how to incorporate our loss within our life, such as it is. We choose how and what we make of our life. Your wife would wish for you to continue being the person she helped you become. You said she made your world softer, kinder, worth all the hard work. Pay her back by honoring all that she taught and gave you. God has not abandoned you and neither did your wife. They are both walking beside you. Someday, when it is your turn to go Home, your wife will be there waiting for you and God will tell you what He had planned and why. For the growth of your soul and to have eternal life with your wife in Heaven. (HUGS)
  3. new widow

    I agree. If I lost one of the kids, it might be the end of me as well. I have sustained many losses, people and pets, but I feel there has to be a limit to how much we can handle.
  4. Matahum, I am glad you finally were able to make contact. I know how hard it was on you, but it was also needed, as part of the healing, for everyone. Sending a letter and photos to his mom, will be much appreciated. You have a giving heart, amidst your own grieving. Your partner is proud of you for keeping that open heart. Maybe the 6 week wait was for the reason you convey. I also believe some things in this life happen the way they are meant to. We do have free will to make our choices, but some things are not under our control, as all of us here can attest to. I hope in the future, you are able to make that trip to Antigua. Your heart will let you know when you are ready. Has your cat made his way back to you?
  5. Don't know what to say

    Djh, You have my sympathies. When I was around the 6th month mark, I was going bonkers with grieving, doing a lot of screaming and crying. I truly did not know what to do with myself. The permanence of my so called reality was hitting hard at that time. It is by no means easy now either. The pain is still there, but, more like a dull ache. The sadness is a constant cloud surrounding me. I have been avoiding the stores and the music myself. I don't even turn on the radio when driving. Thank goodness for online shopping. I have picked out a few things for the kids and my granddaughter, via the internet. I have to grit my teeth and handle Christmas in some way for them. Without the few people I do still have left and my pets, I don't know where I would be.
  6. Lost my new wife

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. As they are for everyone here. This IS so hard! This unwanted, different life is so inconceivable. Most days, I don't even feel it is doable. There are days I just sit and stare out the window, stare blankly at whatever is on tv or lay in bed staring at the wall, tears running down and wondering about the "whys" of it all. My husband didn't have a funeral. He didn't want a service of any kind. Even though he told me his wishes, he still had them placed in his will. I respected and honored what he wanted as my final gift to him. He wanted cremation and his ashes spread on special parts of our property. My husband was always active. He achieved and accomplished many things in his life. All for the good of others. He was a generous, giving person and always remained humble. He wanted to go out without any fanfare. He is very much loved and missed. I am glad you have others around you at this time. I hope you can rely on them, when you feel alone and lonely, which will be very often. We will be here for you as well.
  7. bumpy road

    This forum is as good as it gets, for interacting with those who truly understand the loss of a life partner. It hurts whenever there is a new member and there have been many lately. Gives a lot of pauses for thinking on the meaning of this life. The sorrows balance out the joys and the sorrows are devastating, shattering, unbearable, unthinkable. I am deeply sorry you lost your Ellen. She was made just for you and I know the devastating pain you feel. We all have our love stories here and we all thought we were going to have that happily ever after life and dying of old age together, wrapped in each other's arms, or at least next to each other holding hands. Life certainly had other plans for us and I do not agree with it. I hate it and I fight it. It is a losing battle and we have no choice, but to pick up what pieces we can and go into survival mode. My husband was in the forestry industry also. In his younger years, he worked both in the woods and hauling out the wood to the mills. When he got into his 40's and his body let him know he couldn't do both, he opted for the trucking. I handled all the bookkeeping. We were partners in every way. I often would ride in the truck with him. Just a way so we could spend as much time together as possible. We had just started on the process of retiring, when he passed suddenly of cardiac arrest. He had a buyer for his truck just the month before. I was in shock for a long time. We were looking forward to our retirement years.He was always active, an excellent provider. He deserved those retirement years and we were both robbed of that. That is how I was seeing it at the time and sometimes my mind goes back to those thoughts. Right now, I am stuck in this existence that is hell without him. My husband is in Heaven, a place of peace and love, with God. He earned that place with God and someday I will join him. I have our pets here that still need me. They have given me the purpose to stay here and get up every day. I talk to my husband out loud a lot. I promised him I would take care of our pets and I would keep trying in getting through each day. This is a tough, lonely road to be on. But, I know and have my husband's love, feel blessed I was chosen to spend the rest of his life with him and I know he is waiting for me. Your question? You don't have to let your wife "go". There is no such thing! You are both a part of each other and always will be. Ellen is always in your heart and walking beside you. If you stay aware, have an open heart and mind, you will feel her presence, she will leave signs that she is always there with you. Honor her love and legacy in all that you do and say. It is the love people feel for us, that matter the most, when we are gone. Sending prayers and hugs to you--- We all need them!
  8. Lost my BF in car accident

    award16, Just needed to let you know my heart breaks for you and I am so so sorry. I don't want to repeat anything that the others of our family here have already wrote to you. You and your lovely young man were blessed to find that special love, that love does not come around for just anyone. Keep that love and the beautiful memories in your heart and they will help carry you along your road of grieving. That bond of love will always be there, it can never be broken. You will see him again one day, when it is your turn to go home to Heaven. Sending prayers to you for God's strength, comfort and eventual peace. (HUGS)
  9. Lost of my husband best friend

    Lonely spouse, KayC's post was thoughtful, loving and wise. This is a tough journey, and we need to travel it in our way and try to stay in the present. We will find the small joys and good again, as long as we remain open and loving. You got through Thanksgiving and you will get through Christmas, in your way. We all need to remind ourselves of what we still have to be thankful for, no matter how mundane or large and small. We have a roof over our head, food to eat, others who do care, pets who provide comfort, companionship. That list could go on-----. Don cannot live out his physical life, but he will be proud of you for completing it for him. KayC is right. Our loved ones do see our struggles here without them. They know how hard this life is. The best way to honor them is by living it fully for them, and when we have that reunion and we are in their arms again, there will be much to celebrate and be proud of.
  10. Matahum, My thoughts, prayers and heart are also with you. I am sorry your partner's family is not showing empathy and compromising in any way. It is so sad that grieving can sometimes bring out the worst behaviors. It is okay to have the emotions of anger, resentment, extreme hurt. They ARE your emotions and you have every right to feel them and direct them at whomever. It is part of the process to express those feelings. They need to be let out and faced, in order to help you heal. The feelings and emotions are temporary and constantly change. They will get less intense over time. What is most important, is that you and your partner know your feelings for each other. You both know your relationship better than others did. The love bond can never be broken and your memories cannot be taken away. He will always be with you and waiting for you.
  11. Sick with grief and guilt

    AJW, I am sorry it wasn't working out with the new cat. 3 years is young. They are very active and it takes several years for them to become a lounge around cat, if that is their personality. The cat I have now is a little over 12 and I remember her young days very well. Jumping off of everything, climbing the curtains, etc. What I ended up doing was getting involved with interactive play. The long, fishing pole type of toys with the feather or something on the end. Something that is interactive, gets the cat running and jumping to get that prey and hunting instinct going. That kind of play tires them out, if you do it before you go to bed. The cat's reward is the catching of that toy on the end of the pole several times and being rewarded with a treat. Young cats are a ball of energy and need interactive play in a positive manner to wear out that energy. You are still grieving and maybe it isn't the right time for another cat. Maybe, when you feel up to adopting again, you might opt out for an older cat who isn't quite so active.
  12. I just can’t stop crying

    I am so, so sorry, Millie. I have lost many pets over the years and I know your pain and grieving. Our pets are our family, who love us unconditionally and bring us companionship and joy. We grieve for them just like we grieve with human loss. The last pet I lost was in May of 2006. I spent 3 solid days laying in bed and crying. Wishing I could crawl in a hole and die too. My husband stayed home for 2 days and cried with me. By the 3rd day, we both knew he couldn't miss any more work and I was left alone. It was tough being alone during the day, missing our dog following me everywhere. I would pace the rooms, seeing all his toys and looking out all the windows hoping to just see him out in the yard. It takes a very long time to adapt to them not being here. My consolation is my belief they have their special place in Heaven and all our pets will be waiting to join us when we get called home ourselves. Almost 4 months after we lost our dog back then, my husband was home recuperating from surgery. He did not like being laid up. So, to help lift his spirits and ease the recovery and boredom, I brought home another puppy for him. I was still grieving, but I wanted to help my husband and I knew another pup would do the trick. That dog (JT) is now over 11 and he is my comfort and reason for getting up and having a purpose, since my husband passed away last year. Along with Squeaks, my cat, who is over 12 now. You will see your fur baby again someday. Eventually, your memories will bring a smile and you will cherish the gift and blessing of having had that fur baby in your life. I believe all of our pets come into our lives for specific reasons, if not only to teach us more about unconditional love, loyalty and the true meaning of friendship.
  13. Lost my world last Friday

    lovingstill, I am also glad you found some comfort and received validations from the medium. I am aware the comfort is short lived. We are still going to be grieving. I also agree with M88 and KayC. Have a conversation with your family, that you have the right to have your feelings validated and need to do your grieving in your way. We have to let family/friends know what we need and also the boundaries they cannot cross. Until they have been in our shoes, they have no understanding. (HUGS)
  14. My sister, TooDevastated

    Azipod, I just logged on and clicked randomly on a current thread and read your post. It is amazing, or maybe not, how some of us have the same thoughts and feelings. I managed to get myself through the morning hours, but am looking at a very long afternoon. I try my best to stay busy and out of my own head, but sometimes it is impossible. I am constantly reminded of my loss and how so drastically my life has changed. I don't want these changes. I don't want a new, different life. I was happy and content with my "before" life. In my previous decades of life, the changes I went through ,were brought about by my own decisions, choices. I did not make this choice of losing my husband. The choice was made for me ,without my conscious input.
  15. My sister, TooDevastated

    LoveGoli, My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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