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About KMB

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    Pets, Reading, Traditional Country Music, Nature
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  1. You could still have a memorial stone made for Mario for yourself. I'm sure you could have a small one made up for your home, and with space for your name to be added. My husband was cremated also. I still have his ashes here. I will spread them when I feel up to it, but I was thinking of a memorial marker for the property , which stays in the family.
  2. A beautiful marker, Eagle. I had an unfortunate reminder on Tuesday morning. I had an appointment at the funeral home to make my own pre-arrangements. The funeral director actually had my husband's file with him to "help" with information. I actually had to turn away and stare out the window and compose myself before continuing with the arrangements. I think there are always going to be triggers of some sort we have to continually deal with.
  3. For the majority of us, I feel that is a choice we would definitely take. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I know the pain, emptiness, despair, all the emotions you will be going through. Your beloved is at peace. He is in a place filled with love. Depending on your belief system, I feel our loved ones are still with us, just in spiritual form, bringing us comfort and always loving and guiding us on this new, unwanted journey. (HUGS)
  4. rlw, I am deeply sorry for your loss. You have joined a great forum here. Many compassionate people here, willing to give amidst their own pain. It puts another dent into my already broken heart when I see someone else join, knowing the pain they are enduring. You are welcome to just read posts if you want and to join in and share when you need to. We are here for you. (HUGS)
  5. What has been going on with me, is that I don't even know what I want, or even if I should be wanting anything else from this life. I'm going under the assumption that this is part of the adjusting. It has been a year and I am still floating with the day, just to get that day done. All I think about is wanting to be with my husband. A want I cannot have until God decides that for me. I have moments when I smile, laugh, but it is for the benefit of my daughter or anyone else I am interacting with. On the inside, I am a crying, emotional wreck. But, I don't need anyone worrying about me and if I am going to go off the deep end. I don't want for my daughter to feel she has to be on some kind of suicide watch over me. So, I put on the mask at certain times and struggle through. She knows how I feel, we have our talks. I just don't want for her to worry about me, when she is trying to get herself back on her feet. I had an appointment at the funeral home earlier this week. I had a funeral trust fund account set up along with my arrangements. My kids approve of what I have done. It will be my final gift to them. I don't wish for them to have to agonize over decisions on if they were doing the right things for me. Since they all live from paycheck to paycheck, I've relieved them of any financial burdens. I don't know what my future holds or my length of time here. This past year without my husband has been pure hell. I've learned a lot. Neither one of us were expecting him to leave as suddenly as he did. Yes, I am speaking for my husband, also. I'm sure when he found himself in Heaven, he was just as shocked as I was. But, since Heaven is such a wonderful place, he adjusted and is at peace, under God's care. A lot better than what I am going through. I've just gone with the inner push to see to my own legal/financial/ end of life responsibilities. As a mother, I still I have this need to take care of my kids and make their load of living as easy as I can. Thanks for letting me ramble, for anyone reading this. Even though I am constantly sad, lonely for my husband, my mind still thinks somewhat rationally, logically, (which I consider a miracle).
  6. davesdon, I don't even know what words to express in response to you, except I am deeply sorry. A horrendous life story with a tragic ending and my heart goes out to you and your children. I hope that all of you can get into family grief counseling. Children internally absorb all they see and hear. All of this has to have had some impact on them and they need some kind of professional help now, before it has a chance to fester and grow into something much larger as they grow up. I wish I had more to say, but your story reminds me of some similarities I went through in my first early marriage. Alcohol wasn't an issue, but the kid's dad had mental health issues which he refused to get help for. He verbally abused us, which escalated into physical abuse. I took myself and the kids out of that situation. The kids all had their counseling, in which I am grateful I made the right choices back then. My situation didn't end with death, but it very easily could have ended up with mine, at the kid's dad's hand. My kids would have ended up with no parents. Again, I am truly sorry for everything you and your family had to endure, still enduring, with the loss of your husband and the children's father. Sending you prayers of love, comfort and eventual peace.
  7. Ditto, Kay. Makes me feel that when God chooses which significant other to call home, whom He sees as the strongest is the one left behind. I don't feel strong, brave, courageous, but, God must know my inner self and I have to trust Him.
  8. Lulu, I get you completely also. My husband no longer has a physical presence in my life, but I still think of him. I try to keep up with the maintenance of the house and property the way we both did. When I have a difficult decision to make, that my husband would have naturally have made, I try to think in his way, in coming up with said decision. I will always miss him, love him. I would think that God admires and respects me for still thinking of my husband in the same context I always have. I know I have to place focus onto my kids and to others, but, I always did that when my husband was here. My daughter moved in and I am helping her get back on her feet again because she had to leave the job she was at. I still question God in the reason why my husband's health took such a drastic downturn and why he was called home. I don't want that thought in my head that God wanted me not to be so dependent on one person emotionally. I thought I was doing a good job with helping to keep everyone's needs on me balanced.
  9. hisha--- KayC has given you great, compassionate advice and encouragement. I fully agree with her. Your mind and heart, your life as you knew it, have taken a huge traumatic hit. It takes a long time to find your ways of coping and processing it all. You won't always be in this emotional state, trust me, it does evolve over time. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. We have no way of knowing what the future will bring. Try to have faith in the hope that it will all work out the way it is meant to. Take it one day at a time.
  10. No matter our belief system or even in not having one, we are going to falter, question and self doubt. We are enduring a traumatic loss and it is a natural part of grieving to question everything about ourselves. Besides grieving, we are also learning. Finding our way through the pain is teaching us lessons that can only help us grow into the person we were meant to become.The lessons are hard, painful, while we are missing our loved one and our life we had with them. But, I have read that it is all for our higher good for our eternal life when it is our turn to leave this earth.
  11. I can understand your conflicting feelings and the questioning of them. I feel the easiest way is just not to think about it too much. Your inner self obviously made the decision for you. Go with the flow of it and put that conflict behind you. Maybe, with the old headboard, you could redesign it for something in honor of your wife. She is always going to be a part of you, a significant part of you own history. Carla is an empathetic, kind, understanding person. She'll understand. Do not worry about comparing your relationship, your feelings, to someone else's situation. This is new territory for you and it can be scary with all the unknowns. 4Had admitted that his marriage to his wife wasn't all it could have been. ( Sorry, 4Hdad). Your situation is different and it is normal to want to tread carefully and watch out for your heart. It is still bruised and needs TLC. I feel it will be ok. Stay positive! Your mother-in-law loves you. She will want to see you happy, content. She wouldn't wish for you to stay alone the rest of your life. Your fondness for Carla will shine through and your mother-in-law will appreciate that for you. Her daughter saw you as being worthy of loving, sharing life with. Why wouldn't anyone else, especially her own mother? Warm thoughts going your way that all will go well!
  12. I wish for the same. I feel this way after only a year and you have felt this way through 12 years. I guess there are some things that we will never get used to-----
  13. I still have trouble with that and feel a burden of guilt. I ask God if I am thinking immorally. I placed my husband as my priority when he was here, more so, after the kids were grown and on their own. Even now, in my grieving, my husband is on my mind constantly and my wishing to be reunited. I don't love my kids any less, just differently than I do my husband. They have their own life path to follow and my path is a grieving journey. I still have concentration, focus, memory loss issues and wonder how much my thinking is skewered between my kids and my husband. I'm supposed to live in the present moment, but my husband and our love is still a priority. I just don't know if I am being judged by God in placing so much importance on my husband, even though he is in Heaven under God's care.
  14. Sadaf, Ditto on that Sadaf. Praying and giving of yourself to others is the greatest way to honor Nazim. (HUGS)
  15. LoveGoli, I wish there was something I could say to help you with your pain, but there is nothing, really. I am sorry for your loss. I know those words don't mean much, but the heart thoughts are behind them. It pretty much piles more hurt on us when others tell us what they think is best for us. They can't see the pain on the inside of us. They have no clue about it, unless they have been through it. You are 29, a young age, but people only see that young age. They don't understand that not only have you lost the love of your life, you lost your life and yourself. We are supposed to somehow, someway,start a life all over again, figure out who we are, which is certainly not the person we used to be, before our world exploded apart. Please, do not blame yourself for anything. You did nothing wrong. Life just happens the way it does and sometimes bad things happen they we don't understand and we will never have the answers, try as we might to find them. God sees our suffering, our pain, our loss. He is there to give us comfort, help guide us in this next journey. Just keep praying, keep your faith and trust in Him. Someday, when it is our turn for Heaven, the answers we kept searching for will be answered. (HUGS)