KMB

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    789
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About KMB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Pets, Reading, Traditional Country Music, Nature
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    8/20/2016

Converted

  • Occupation
    Homemaker
  1. Thank you, Herc. God bless you and yours.
  2. fzald, very profound way of thinking. Written in an order that is easily understood. My brain is faster than my typing, I scramble everything. Sometimes I have deleted my own posts because I had it so scrambled.
  3. Herc, I understand your concerns with your stepdaughter. Just keep letting her know you are there for her. My stepdaughter cut ties a week after the loss of her father. Not just with me, but her brother also. Her father was her go- to person. He had a big presence in all our lives. Full of wisdom and life experiences. I used to call him Mr. Wise and Wonderful. I know she feels abandoned by her father, maybe a lot of denial for her. Hell, I feel abandoned also. He was in the military, leave no one behind. But I know he didn't leave on purpose. His body won the battle. I witnessed him struggling for months to stay here. We all have to trust and hope things will work out for the best and how they are meant to.
  4. KayC---Me too (shoveling and snow). Yes, Herc's posting---so much inner courage with his reflections and willingness in putting his thoughts out there for all to see. I was getting teary-eyed reading and re-reading. Herc, you have made a commitment to your grieving journey. You will get through this and your wife will be right there beside you.
  5. fzald, The instinctual will of survival is hard wired into us. We would not purposefully lay our hand on a stove burner because we know what is going to happen. A child would not know this unless they have already touched a hot burner. But, as adults, our logical mind already tells us that the burner is hot and we will get burned. We will survive our losses because the logical part of our brain will see that we do. The logic is at war with our emotional part of the brain. It depends on us as individuals, which part is going to win or will a medium ground be found.
  6. KayC, your welcome. What I didn't see on that list is something that just about everyone here touches on, the negative thinking of giving up, checking ourselves out. It is a normal thought that is included in the grieving process. Maybe, for moral reasons, it was purposefully left out. From other online reading, it does happen. People who are so devastated, feel so alone in their grieving, so desperate to be with their loved one, do self-terminate. Wherever our souls do go, I would think there to be consequences to atone for. Then there are those who don't self-terminate but die after a certain period of years due to the stress their body endures from the emotional impact.
  7. KayC, That's the issue with medications. Dealing with the side effects. I have high cholesterol, supposedly inherited from my father's side. I was on Lipitor back in the 90's. I got muscle cramps so bad, I quit the drug. It was some years later, I read that Lipitor caused diabetes in women.I couldn't imagine my husband and I both dealing with the disease. I guess our lives work out the way they are meant to. If it wasn't for the diabetes and how it destroys the body, my husband would still be here. At least, I"d like to think that. We just don't know how our lives are going to play out until we are actually experiencing it.
  8. HI Nads, I don't know about signs. Remember the actor, Michael Landon? Before he passed, he told his daughter he would leave a red rose for her to find. One day, as she was walking down a flight of steps, there was a red rose laying at the bottom. Stories like that stay in your mind and it is what you kind of look for. Something obvious. My kitchen light has blinked when I am thinking of my husband or talking about him with company. A few months ago, I was sitting here at the computer and the printer came on. Earlier in the winter, a friend stopped over and borrowed a can of spray lube for his trailer tires. I brought him the can and the cover was attached. When I was given the can back, we couldn't find the cover. Figured it got lost in all the snow. A few days later, I saw that can cover laying in a corner of the porch. How did it get there? I used to tease my husband about being an instigator. He loved pushing my buttons to get a rise out me. Maybe just because I am usually so laid back. Maybe all these red squirrels that are suddenly invading the feeders is his way of still being an instigator. I'm up for the challenge. He was an outdoors person, loved nature. Nads, Stan is with you. He always will be. Trust and have faith.
  9. Andy, Your expressions are inspiring. I feel that is what it all comes down to. The opportunity we were given to find our soulmate, love them, receive their love and experience togetherness for whatever given amount of time. We were/are proud of our accomplishments of love and commitment. Not too many people are given that chance/experience that we were given. A lot of people will go through this life never knowing true, unconditional love, in all its glory and tragedy of loss. My husband suffered for many years with his health conditions. He had courage and persevered through some scary times. I was right there with him, my heart breaking, but he had the physical aspects to endure, while I had the emotional aspects. The last 6 years were his toughest. I remember one weekend where he wanted to give up. His body and mind were tired. He left the house by himself one day. I was scared, filled with anxiety. Walked around outside wondering where he was, waiting for his return, not knowing if he would.I called his cell, didn't have it turned on. Finally, after a couple hours, he returned. Neither of us said anything. I just told him how happy I was that he came home. A couple weeks later, his body, his heart, did give out. I have to keep going for him, even though I feel like giving up. Our love will have its own reward when it is my time to go.
  10. fzald, We are lost. We don't know who we are and why we are here. Losing our loved one changed everything. It changes how we see ourselves, it changes our perspective with all of life. We are in the midst of starting over from scratch. Figuring out who we are now, figuring out a life we can exist within. People lose loved ones every day. This planet keeps rotating, day turns into night, life keeps going forward. But, here we are, stuck. Stuck in a time warp. We want to go back to our life and that special person, but we can't. That person, that life, is somewhere else now. I don't know what to do anymore than you do either. Than either of any of us here. Just keep taking it day by day and see where it leads us. Remembering every day that we were given the opportunity and time to find and love that special person.
  11. Janice 252---So sorry! Just go with your feelings and express them. Crying is not just an emotional release, it is also physical. It gives the body an outlet for the pain, the stress that gets built up. Sorry you are having a bad day. I think everyday is bad. Some days are worse. Some are so-so. My husband doesn't have to suffer with his health issues anymore. He doesn't have to deal with this life. I am the one stuck here and managing without him. I have to somehow carry on because he can't. I have to pull myself together and stumble through this journey for myself and for him. You'll get through this too, Nads. Love and prayers to you.
  12. Hi KayC, I'm hanging in there. I managed my first walk yesterday afternoon and will do it again today. Going down the road west of the house, where the sun has access, the ice and hard pack have melted. The dog and I got some exercise and fresh air. There will be rain here at the beginning of the week. By the weekend, it's back to cold temps and a mix of rain/snow. Getting outside now has been a small salvation. Neither of us want to deal with our pets leaving us. I hope it doesn't happen too soon. When it does though, I hope they are capable of being with my husband. Someday, we will be our own little family again.
  13. It is alright to be angry. It is alright to hurt. It is alright to cry. The feelings, the emotions, have to be acknowledged and expressed. This is how we heal. This grief journey is a roller coaster. Just go with it.
  14. Nads, My thoughts are with you today. Your four months, my sixth. Marking time seems so odd, doesn't it? I never *marked time* before. But then again, this is our journey and everything , everyday, is odd. You made it through your *dilemma*. It worked out. Be proud of yourself and that accomplishment. Stan is proud of you also! Maybe working behind the scenes on your behalf. Now that, if you contemplate it, would be a huge sign from Stan. We are being watched over and protected. I don't know about the signs that we read about in books or from what others have said. Signs can be very subtle. They reveal themselves when you are not searching so hard. My husband was a *fixer*, a problem solver. The few obstacles I've run into had a way of working themselves out. I like to think my husband had a hand in that. Getting to be too many red squirrels out here by the bird feeder. My husband would eliminate them. They cause a lot of damage in buildings. Last summer, we had one in the walls of the house. I set up a live trap next to where he was coming in and out .Took a lot of time and patience, but he got trapped and re-homed. Yesterday, I set the live trap outside. Got a squirrel right away this morning. I'm putting the credit to my husband. It makes me feel better to think of it that way. Enjoy your weekend getaway. We all need *grief* breaks. We shouldn't let it consume us, but yet it does. We have years ahead of us to learn to live with the absence of our beloveds. They want us to live this life for them. Take care, Nads. We all pray for each other.
  15. Solomon'sGirl, We are here for you. Every thought, feeling, you have, we've have them also. Losing our loved ones, our special persons, is a hard hit. It knocks us flat, breaks our heart and turns our life as we knew it upside down. It takes a long time to absorb what happened. A long time to accept what happened. A long time to find ourselves. Who we are supposed to be now. What are lives are supposed to be. It takes a long time to pick ourselves up and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will do this. You will survive this for yourself and your daughter. The relationships we had with our beloveds is not over. The love continues. I think of it as a temporary separation. For ourselves, we have to continue life here, but in the end, we'll be reunited and be together in eternity.