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About 4Hdad

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  • Loss Type
    Wife, Ruptured Cerebral Berry Anuerysm
  1. Thank you all for your thoughts, it was a rough afternoon. I left work feeling drained. We had plans last night to attend our local symphony in the park, and before we left for that we talked about the day. After the evening, my batteries had been completely recharged and we'd grown even closer. We understand each other on a level I've never experienced before. We're still learning the ins-and-outs of this new relationship, because neither of us has been with someone who's situation and experience so closely resemble our own. Although we come from vastly different backgrounds, we've found ourselves at this point in time with the same feelings, experiences and emotions in play, and the same wants, needs and desires. We seem to make each other whole, if that makes sense. It's all too perfect. And so is she! She roofs and landscapes, she rides a 1,000 cc Suzuki crotch rocket, she plays at least 3 instruments, has a masters degree, is a kindergarten teacher, and she's teaching me to swing dance. She's dainty, feisty, funny, incredibly smart and ridiculously cute, and it seem that we adore one another. I'm learning that this is what makes all of it, everything else, worthwhile. This feels like a connection I've truly never had before. We're both well aware of the pain of loss, and though we never want to feel that again, I'm willing to risk it for her.
  2. I've had a horrible revelation today, and I think I may know first-hand what mild PTSD feels like. I'm almost to the 1 year mark since finding my wife gone, and I'm seeing a woman now whom I have fallen for. She lives in the mountains, so it's remote - no neighbors close by - and she's working on her roof this week. So, since I or her family cannot be there, she agreed to stay in touch with me by checking in at intervals throughout the day. However, it turns out her new phone is not working properly and she's not receiving all of her alarms, so she missed two of our check-ins today. After 10 minutes of her not responding, I was having visions of finding her broken and battered body somewhere around the perimeter of her 2-story country home. After 15 minutes and no response, I was in the car and pulling out from work, when the phone rang. She apologized profusely, over and over. It wasn't neglect at all, but an error of technology. It happened again in the afternoon. She let me know how much she appreciated me worrying about her welfare, how good it feels to have someone care for her like that. She began to joke about where exactly did I think I'd find her body when it struck her, and she broke down. She had found her fiance's body 5 years ago when he passed away from medical issues. She hadn't even thought about what I was feeling until that moment. She apologize again and again. Again, not neglect, but she simply wasn't thinking of the situation in those terms. I haven't broken down, but everything in me is screaming to, has been all day. I've felt it like a poison in my chest since this morning and it won't let up. Just the thought of it has brought me right back to the depression and hopelessness I felt that day nearly a year ago. Losing her would fucking crush me. I honestly don't know if I could take it. I thought I'd worked through this. I didn't realize there would be triggers that would bring these feelings of despair on so strongly. We're going to a symphony tonight, a first for me. Honestly though, right now I feel completely drained, and I want nothing more than to just go home and go to sleep, as I did every day when I was in the grip of the deepest clinical depression I've ever experienced.
  3. Oh Marsha, I am so sorry for your loss. On the day that my wife died, I was in complete and total shock. I suspect that you're feeling the same right now. Complete and total shock. You've come to a good place for help and support today. When I came here, everyone was incredibly understanding, helpful and supportive, having gone through what I was going through, and having made it through. Please know that this is a safe place, where I found a lot of healing, and know that whatever the future holds you do not have to figure it out right now. You just have to get through this moment. Please hang in there for now, Marsha, and others will be here for you. You're not alone, and you don't need to have all of the answers right away.
  4. I've made an appointment to see my old psychologist again. I haven't seen him in a couple of years. I feel like there are things I am not working through, things that I'm stuck on. This is exactly how he helped me before, and speaking with him this afternoon, I got the feeling that he had been waiting for me to call him again (he's my older daughter's psychologist now, so he knows what's going on). I've got two big issues to work through right now. One is my younger daughter, who is now seeming to have some bigger resentments towards me than I had thought. She doesn't understand where I've been for many years in my marriage, because I never shared that stuff with my kids, and I know that my wife never had either. My youngest must have thought everything was fine and normal when it was really anything but, so now that I'm 'moving on' so quickly, she's upset. I need to learn how to deal with that better. My new lady really understands her better than I do; she sees things that I just don't see and points them out to me - but I can't rely on only her to tell me where I'm making these big mistakes. I need help. Secondly, I've been having more feelings of anger towards my wife for the position she left us in. Creditors I did not know about continue to appear. Missed payments I did not know about on accounts where I was her co-signer have beat up my credit rating to the point that I'm having trouble refinancing all of the debt that was in her name, including the house. I'm finding that I'll probably need to hire a lawyer to wade through some of this for me, which is simply money down the drain, but it's like I have no choice. Her horses are draining me financially, as they were draining her, but if I sell them (as she should have) my daughter will hate me more than she already does. She's left me with my back against the wall, and when all of this first happened, I told myself to forgive her - no sense in being angry at the dead. Now, though, that anger is manifesting in unhealthy ways, and while I'm not about to let that anger ruin my life, I also don't know how to process it. There is literally nobody to take it out on and no one left to blame but myself, which is not helping at all. Just had to vent. While there is this bright ray of sunshine coming over the horizon of my life, there's still plenty of shadow to deal with as well.
  5. Our two families are getting along well. Although I was anxious, my girls are taking to my new interest quite easily. We've all gone out a few times now, to a movie, to a friends BBQ, to her property for dinner and an evening together with her and her oldest son. There are still some places that are 'sacred ground' for my younger daughter, like the barn, because that was a place for her and her mom. She had a tough time accepting ME there, so its no wonder that my new relationship is not welcome in that environment. It's not a malicious thing, or even unreasonable in the least, and we all understand and respect that. As far as my new interest and I, however, we are, in a word, fantastic. Though we've been friends for 17 years, we've been 'seeing' each other and going out for only two months, and we've been 'dating' each other for only one. It's long enough for me to know that I've fallen for this woman like I never have in my entire life; she, too, has fallen for me. It's really quite incredible. We have more in common than I could have imagined. We come from two very different worlds, but we fit together like the last two pieces of a puzzle. We complement each other in ways that neither of us have experienced before. It is eerily perfect. She is the woman of my dreams. Oddly, we've known each other for almost two decades and never had these feelings for each other. We were just great friends. The truth is that back then, we would not have been good for each other, even if we were unattached (which we weren't). It goes to show that good things happen in their own time. When we finally got together in early May (in a platonic sense), neither of us realized that we had both reached a moment in our lives where we were ready for this. But, the more time we've spent with each other, the more and more it just feels right. The longer we are together, and the more explore each other and our lives leading up to this moment, the more it makes sense for both of us how perfect we are together. I truly feel she does not realize how amazing she actually is. I truly believe her when she tells me the exact same thing. I love her. There is no denying it. This is new; a warm and welcome light in an otherwise dark and cold existence.
  6. Hi AC, it sounds like you are on a great path. I'm finding the very same questions and situations coming up in my new relationship as well. Yes, this is uncharted territory we're in, so we should expect for there to be some learning as we go. I think the key for us - and the challenge - is to be open to it while balancing the feelings and needs of our children, our new significant other, and ourselves. Finding that balance may be simple for some and difficult for others, but it sounds like both of us are on the right tack. I'm happy for you, AC!
  7. Thank you AC, and you as well!
  8. Last night, our families met for the first time (at least those we hadn't been introduced to yet; I've met her older son on a couple of occasions and he's a great guy). We all went to an Italian place for dinner. She and I, my two girls and her two boys, and my mother in law. It was a fantastic evening. I thought there were some awkward moments, but she's pretty sure that that was just me. We all enjoyed the evening. My youngest was actually joking with me earlier while we were getting barn chores done, saying "So, am I meeting my new brothers tonight?" "No, you're meeting your dad's girlfriend's sons." "Yeah, it's just easier to say 'brothers', ya know?" This is an incredible transformation from where I was, where we were, only two short months ago. It feels like new life. I mean, I know there's been a quickening inside of me, but just my being more alive and happy seems to have really brought out some of that in my family as well. I guess that makes sense and I shouldn't be too surprised, yet I am. Now we get to begin merging our different interests. She's coming out to a ride meet/gaming show on Sunday. We'll be heading out to the track with her and her older son this Summer as they have track days (they both ride street bikes - the slow group, so only up to 140mph!) It's already starting to feel like a modern day reboot of the Brady Bunch!
  9. Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. Let me assure you that you are not alone, and that you've found the right place to talk about your loss. When I came here ten months ago under similar circumstances, I found that the people on this forum understood exactly where I was, having been there themselves. You are not alone, Diane. One month after losing my wife, I was still in shock. Everybody's experience seems to follow their own personal timeline, and while we all seem to go through the same or very similar process, we won't all do it at the same pace. I didn't know what to expect after I found my wife. I didn't know if or when things would get better or return to normal, or even if there was going to be anything 'normal' in my life ever again. What I found, though, was that these are feelings that are very common among those of us who've joined this unlucky group.You will find some of the most understanding and supportive people here, folks who can help to guide you through this very difficult time, because they truly understand what you're going through. Sometimes we may need advice, sometimes we may need to vent, sometimes we just need someone to understand where we are and what we are feeling at this very moment - all of this you will find here. Does it get easier? For me, it has. With time came a deeper understanding of life and loss. But, everyone's circumstances are unique, and the things we use to cope, the things that work for each of us, can be very different as well. Please stick around, Diane, and I can guarantee you will find some comfort among the folks on this forum. Hugs to you.
  10. Hi AC, I heartily agree with Ace here. I wouldn't worry too much about the length of their first meeting. Dinner sounds like a perfect setting for such introductions. You'll have a 'captive' audience, it's a comfortable, public place where people are relaxed, and there is always the distraction of the meal. Conversation doesn't have to be about your 'status' as a couple at all - just ice breaking and getting to know each other. As long as those 'southern manners' are observed, it should not be uncomfortable for anyone. In fact, I am doing the very same thing tomorrow night. My daughters will meet her sons for the first time, a big night for us. I am 99% certain it's going to be a fantastic evening! Happy for you, AC!
  11. I feel like I'm only now learning to finally take care of me in a healthy way. I am meeting my own needs and wants without indulging in unhealthy abandon, and I'm doing so with respect towards my kids' feelings. My mother-in-law is surprisingly happy for me, which was such a great relief. I've got other family who have different opinions, and frankly they are welcome to keep those opinions to their damn selves. Not surprisingly, they are people who wouldn't recognize true commitment, devotion, or even healthy human connection if it snuck up and bit them on the ass. I'm far too nice a guy to point this out to them...but it's true, and I won't let their shitty and cynical opinion color my view of the world. What I am learning is that this is my world to color, it's my happiness to deny or take hold of, and it's nobody else's responsibility. I feel guilty sometimes for being so happy with this new woman. She is amazing on every level. We connect in ways that I have not felt in decades. She is gorgeous and funny and caring and sensitive and kind. She brings out the best in me. What is more, she wants to bring out the best in me. She tells me that she sees it, and then she shows me, and it's just incredible. In this way, with her help, I'm learning to move past the guilt for being so happy. And it seems that all of those things she is to me, I am to her. She and I really seem to be exactly what the other needed, and we found each other at a time when we'd all but given up on having those very basic needs met in this lifetime. We've become a partner to each other to bring out the best in us, to be a mirror for what is beautiful inside each other. I wasn't looking for this, but I've found it.
  12. AC, I'm so happy for you! It's great to hear that you've found someone to take it to the 'next level' with and make it 'official.' For some of us, the beginning of widowhood is the end of our love life. That is a choice, and it's a valid choice. For others, finding someone with shared experience, in our own time, is an equally valid choice. It was important for me to come to terms with that. I knew I would not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm still in under a year and I wrestled with what that was going to look like. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, when it was appropriate, or how to go about any of that stuff. The choice, though, was pretty much taken out of my hands when I reconnected (innocently) with an old friend, T. Neither of us were looking for it, but we found something amazing in each other. Now I've fallen for her, and she for me, and we're navigating this new thing together. I've already made some mistakes with my family, but we're moving forward. I just have to keep in mind that I'm still learning to balance the fact that my kids aren't necessarily ready to move ahead in this realm with the fact that I am, and tread cautiously. Good on ya, AC!
  13. Sole-Mate, I am so sorry for your losses. Death sucks! I don't know what else to say. I also don't know if it get's any easier when it happens again, but I do hope so. You're a good brother, sir. My best wishes to you continuing to move forward.
  14. Unfortunately, my mother in law is bitter and angry at the world, and she tends to take this out on those closest to her, her grandchildren. They avoid her, as she is incorrigible. Everyone understands her pain, and I've done my best to explain her behavior to the kids. They understand it on some level, but it still hurts. I've spoken with her about her attitude towards everyone and it seemed to help on the surface for a while, but the passive-aggressive never left. I'm actually not sure which one is worse to put up with. My youngest did take some of her anger out with the horses, just as you mentioned - not being abusive but having very little patience. It's an area we are working on. The animals present many, many opportunities for she and I to come to some very positive places of compromise. She's giving me riding lessons, which puts her in charge (where she wants and needs to be in this area) and cements our bond a little more. On the other hand, she's come a long way in listening to my direction when there's a safety-related issue and I have to step in and put my foot down - something she resisted in the beginning. She needs to know she can trust me to listen to her, and this is one place where that can be done easily - she's a much more knowledgeable horse person than I. She also needs to know that she there are times where she needs to listen to me, and that I won't steer her wrong or make arbitrary decisions just to punish her, which is how she probably saw my interventions at first. We've come a long ways since those first days. Navigating this new relationship in uncharted waters, I've already made mistakes. My goal is to learn from those mistakes so they are not repeated, and to find a way to help us all build new relationships together, with everyone's feelings and needs taken into account. It is challenging. But, I know it can be done. Once again, thank you all for your thoughtfulness, for your very sound advice, and for just being here to help during this time of change.
  15. Thank you all for the thoughtful comments, it really means a lot to me that we have a safe place to talk about such personal things with folks who know or are experiencing what it feels like. I think the both of us are really trying very hard to go into this with both eyes open, and that is so important. It's sometimes hard, though, to stop myself from falling ever harder for her, because she really is so amazing. The truth is, I know I have to take things slowly, but I don't really want to. In the meantime, we don't see each other every day, so we text throughout the day and talk every night. It's really sweet.