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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Rao

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About Rao

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    Brian

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  • Loss Type
    Death of father
  1. Loss of dad

    I apologize for being impatient and also grateful for your time. I am not in right state of mind as my anger is taking more control of me and my senses. I was desperate to hear from strangers like you. I am not on talking terms with my family and they dont seem to understand my pain. I have been having fights with my folks and trying to blame something or someone for my loss. It's just me and not anyone's fault.I was heart broken to see my father go down by the minute until last and inside my head I was screaming for a million of lost opportunities with him and it was too late for anything. I am sorry if I posted in a wrong place and this is not the right one. Thanks for the kind words. I will look for some type of counseling to help me thru this. It hurts so much and am tired of being a non entity for my family. there is nothing much that can be done or expected from a dysfunctional family. Thanks again for your time.
  2. Loss of dad

    I guess this is a long post for anyone to take a peek at this one. My family refuses to talk to me as I am angry with everything and everyone. I have become non Existent , no wonder my dad never really saw me even when I was right there , just feel lonely isolated. This hurts so much.
  3. I have been very angry since my father passed away. Like you I feel I am not myself. But I even expressed my feelings in different topic but no one has responded. so feel even more lonely isolated and angry . I doubt if people can see me even.
  4. Hi, this seems slightly old post but you mentioned the same things I went through the month of June and the helpless was unbearable. I just got to know about anticipayory grief that happens during this time. I was miserable and devastated seeing my wonderful dad reduced to frail person barely able to eat or talk. I am not sure if I can console you enough but you are not alone . Take care.
  5. Hi, I lost my father recently and felt same way as you. You are not alone to feel that way. But this is what I told myself, my father is no more and when I saw his lifeless body I was numb and disconnected because his essence was gone. It was not him anymore and after funeral I realized he has disintegrated into earthly elements. Life is too short, even before you know it , it might be your turn. Pls don't harm yourself in any way. This comes from a griever who has been in your shoes.
  6. Hi Stephanie, I lost my father very recently and feel amputated in more than 1 ways. I saw him suffer and have flashes since then. I am working very hard to work thru my grief. I am not emotional types but when I can I do cry a lot to let it out. On those days I feel little lighter so I can sleep. I am sure there are some ways you can find to heal. This is what I tell myself when it all hits me with having to never see him again is, dying and death is natural process and no one can escape this pain and reality. It's universal and everyone has to go thru this. Some day it's our turn too. My grandparents lost their parents, my father lost his parents and I lost him, it's a cycle of life no one is exempted. Pls try to get outdoors and see the beautiful sunrise, dew drops on the grass, take a deep breath, etc. hope this helps you in some ways. Take care.
  7. I feel sorry for you but it isn't something you should blame yourself. Your moms last wish is for you to stay strong and live your life. Recently I lost my father. While I was there every second of his last days, I stepped away on the day he breathed his last. I blamed myself and was disappointed in me for letting him down. While I try not to think of it much , just remember it's not you. You were just a child living and doing what a child supposed to do. Please don't be so harsh on yourself. Imagine this was your last day on this earth, would you want it to be ended you having the guilt vs living life to the fullest and experiencing life that your mom may want you to have.
  8. Loss of dad

    Hi I lost my father 2 months back and going thru grief since then. This is going to be very long. I love my father and he was a genius, good sense of humor, soft spoken and many good things. However there is a catch. I feel he never knew me that much or wasn't even in interested in me that much. He had a strange fixation with hospitals ailments diseases etc as he was also hypochondriac. My parents had bad marriage and always hated and despised each other. Due to the social and cultural society we belong, divorce was never an option to them. In the process I lost an opportunity to know them better and have a good childhood. I grew up too fast and played the role of an adult trying to bring peace in the family at all costs. I would never leave my house or be very afraid to go out as it felt like constant walking on egg shells. I am the middle child and somehow my role was always to take care of my family's needs, taking cAre of emotional needs of my 2 siblings. However I never got the same support from my siblings but that's a different thing. Coming to my parents, they despised each other so much they constantly bickered and bitched about each other to their set of friends and relatives. sometimes if they didn't find any reason they would be united and bicker and bitch about us all the time which has really scarred me badly. I have problem with trusting people and expressing emotions. I took care of my father the last weeks of his life with the same dedication and devotion that I had all through my life. What pains me most is even during that time my parents were getting at each other and I was left to myself lonely and like I never existed for them like always. Due to sadness on the impending death I used to cry myself to sleep as I knew very well there isn't enough time to get any hope of having meaningful relationship with my father. I feel at a greater degree my father was selfish and one sided only about his problems and not my life or anything. Even though I died to tell him my inner feelings always I was afraid my privacy will not be respected and it wasn't too in many cases making me feel vulnerable to outsiders. I never experienced the true love, trust or affections or support from him. I used to be there hanging around him as much as I could pre and post marriage but it was only one sided. He never saw me and I was right there.Also he had obsession with dosing himself with prescription medications over and over repeatedly all his life. My mother is equally distant and detached. He passed away not knowing the real me and having good memories with him. The abuse of medicines was so terrible that he didn't have anything else to talk about. Every day I cry and feel sad and confused of all if am grieving the death of having hope of a meaningful relationship or his non existence of him physically. I am trying to dig so hard in memory to find some good memories to feel comforted but there is none worth while. I am also very angry with him for taking away this precious experience from me. If anyone can help me with similar situation like mine and how you coped that would be great. I am dealing with anger issues and meditation or distractions are not the ones I need right now. I feel I need answers for me to move on. My rest of the family of mother and siblings are of no support to me because somehow they are used to having me around only to serve their purpose and needs. I feel depressed angry and isolated all the time. There is not enough resources to cope on losing a loved one to their hypochondriac behavior and self medicating acts. My father was never an alcoholic ever. I feel very depressed that he and I never knew each other all this time. I still love him very much and want to grieve for him in a healthy way and honor him for giving me good education, food and roof etc. but my anger is so overwhelming that I am unable to focus on his good side. Fyi due to his prolonged 30 plus years of unreasonable fears of health and death I feel I have been in mourning for years as I used to treat every fear or so-called emergency as the last opportunity I might have. Pls help.
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