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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

StevenKelly

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  • Content count

    48
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About StevenKelly

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Illinois
  • Interests
    Music, my wife and I went to concerts together frequently and we also listened to music together at home we liked the same kind of music. Nature, my wife and I enjoyed nature together. Our dog, she is our child my wife loved her dearly.
  • Loss Type
    Wife
  • Angel Date
    August 12th 2016

Converted

  • Occupation
    Driver
  • Last Name
    Excell
  • First Name
    Steven
  • Zip
    60074
  • About Me
    I lost my wife August 12th 2016. I miss her so much it 's painful beyond description.
  1. Almost a year and six months

    Thanks for the kind thoughts. That's basically my life too Jeff, x10. KayC I don't talk to my family anymore because it physically hurts to talk. I talk at work because I have to but I'm basically by myself all day anyway so I don't have to talk much there either. One wrong word......if it even remotely reminds me of her I loose it, the name of a song, a location we went together an activity we did together, if someone even says the word wife. Like Jeff said, my family thinks I'm over it so does everyone else. For me it just get's worse everyday. I'm tired of play acting for people. When I would see or talk to her family we would always immediately breakdown and stay that way. I'm a mess just typing this. My wife was an amazing woman and she was very loved by many people. We were together over 25 years, she was 51, healthy and full of energy and died in her sleep. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I'm so tired and disgusted with life. Like I wrote I just wish it would be over already, there's nothing left for me without her.
  2. Almost a year and six months

    I don't even know what to write anymore, losing my wife gets worse everyday. Don't want to write, don't want to talk to people anymore I just came here to take down the pictures I posted but I can't find them, posting pictures is a little more celebrating than I want to do, ever. I just pray everyday to the powers that be to just take me too already. Gained 70 pounds, stopped talking to her family and my family too about a year ago, I just work and come home and sleep, go back to work, come home and sleep. Can't wait until it's over already. A small part of me want's to change it but the bigger part always wins. When she died I died to, the walking dead that's exactly what I feel like.
  3. 9 Months

    Thanks to everyone who replied. I just wanted to let you know I've read everything. Bradley, I too was nothing before I met my wife, she mostly made me who I am today that's why losing her was losing a huge part of me as well. I've lost the person I loved more than anything on earth and my identity. It all just seems to hard to overcome.
  4. 9 Months

    Thanks everyone for thinking of me. Meesh you described it well. I'm done seeking out professional help. I actually take great comfort in isolating myself as much as possible everyday. It's physically painful to interact with people. I've gone from it being painful to think about to intense panic attacks at the thought of her being dead, I would hate to be around people when that happens. I didn't realize how much a part of each other we really were until a few months ago when losing that part of me really sank in. She was only 51 and the medical examiner couldn't figure out why she died. He wrote undetermined natural causes on the death certificate which makes this even more difficult, she was taken from me for no reason. I'm fighting with so many different reasons why in my head. We were together almost 26 years and had so much more life left together. Every time we entered the same room she told me that she loved me and I would tell her back. I'm sitting here writing this listening to the clocks tick. That's the way I want it...............by myself. Coming here and writing is all I can do. It's like a cave where I hear echoes except the echoes are other people. That's all I can do. It's still like being alone which is the way it has to be.
  5. 9 Months

    It's been a while since I posted but I felt I needed to come back and write because there is no avenue that I care about to figure out how to go forward after the loss of my wife August 12th 2016. Emotionally things seem to be getting worse for me which is why I felt I needed to come back here and write. 9 months later I think about her constantly and how much I miss her. Everyday when I'm not forced to think about other things going on I'm thinking about her. When I am forced to think about the task at hand, when I'm done It's like getting kicked by a mule because I'm instantly hit with that she is gone and never coming back. It's so hard that sometimes I'm afraid of where this will lead mentally for me like, I've definitely realized that I don't ever want to get married again, I don't even want a girlfriend but lately I have felt less and less like even talking to other people, it's physically painful just to talk. Recreating or celebrating holiday's is not going to happen, I just don't care. I've volunteered to work all of the holiday's at my job. Basically it feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a hole and I don't really care. I've always been in control of everything that's just not the case anymore. I wish I could just go to and be with her. All I have left is to just come here and write what I'm thinking. Thanks for that
  6. Went to my first support group last night 09/14/16

    She is at my sisters and doing quite well, I'm actually happy for her.
  7. Went to my first support group last night 09/14/16

    I feel your pain. I cry a lot, I've been going through our pictures trying to make sure that there is proof that she was here, that we were together and that we loved each other. Everyone else has moved on, I can't, I never will. I think about her everyday. She was so young and had so much more life to live and she's gone. I don't know how to process that.
  8. Went to my first support group last night 09/14/16

    Week three and I'm not sure this is for me, There is a speaker at the beginning of every meeting that go's in depth about the technical and religious aspects of grieving and spends a lot of time doing it, I still barely know the people at my table I'm so not at the stage of trying to figure out the finer points and solve the puzzle, they've also warned that this will become much more of a religious thing sometime in the near future. Maybe I'm wrong but it's starting to feel like recruiting for their church. I just want to talk about my my wife and how wonderful she was and how much I miss her, I've noticed other people want to do the same but when me and another member showed pictures of our wives we were told that picture's would have to wait until the last meeting.............7 weeks away. What's left of my wife's family have gone into seclusion, I don't blame them, two young daughters/sisters lost in one 15 month period. I was told my mother in law drank to the point of having to be hospitalized, she's 79 years old. My wife's best friend calls once a week but it's me consoling her which I'm fine with. I've been all alone with my thoughts for the most part and I'm starting to get used to it. I start a new very demanding job tomorrow I'm guessing that it will help me stay busy and not in my thoughts as much. This just isn't going the way I would have liked but I guess that it's a product of my relationship with my wife, we were each others best friend and almost all of our time was spent with just each other. Don't get me wrong, we each had a life outside of our marriage, her, her niece and occasional get togethers with her two good friends, me my one good friend that I grew up with, our occasional family functions but it was me and her, her and me, together...............best friends forever. It didn't matter where we were, at the end we couldn't wait to get home to each other, our dog and our home, it was such a great feeling when we would return home to each other that it was the place we wanted to be the most. I'm bringing my dog to a new home today. A 12 year old Weimaraner, my sister is taking her in. With my new job I'll be gone for many long hours everyday and won't be able to care for her properly and give her the attention that she needs. That dog was my wife's baby and my angel after my wife passed, had she not been here things would have been much more difficult. She's going to a big loving family but now there will be more loneliness here. Still wondering when the ache will stop. I miss her so much.................................................
  9. Hi Konnie, yes I reached out to my sister in law's husband and we spoke on the phone and vowed to stay in touch. That helps but although he has a great attitude about the whole thing he is still very broken up about the loss and 16 months later has still not touched anything of hers, it's all right where she left it...........everything. We cried together and remembered the sisters that were taken to young, together. I've been going to a support group once a week but haven't accomplished much, I'm not sure that it's for me. There is a speaker at the beginning that eats up a lot of time with the technical and religious aspects of grieving and I still barely know the people at my table, two have already abandon our table of ten. Why this is a problem is that I just want to talk about my wife and what a great person she was, I think that will help me the most. My wife's best friend calls once a week but we just cry together and get frustrated at why my beautiful healthy wife had to go so suddenly, it's pretty much me consoling her which is fine I'm ok with having that job. What's left of my wife's family have gone into seclusion, I don't blame them, two sisters/daughters lost in such a short time. I was told my mother in law drank to the point of having to be hospitalized. I start a new job tomorrow, one that will eat up a lot of hours everyday, I guess that will have to do for now. Thanks for your concern.
  10. Unexpected loss of husband

    Very sorry for your loss. My wife was smiling, dancing and trying on new clothes. Absolutely nothing wrong with her, she was happy and healthy. 5 hours later she went to sleep and never woke up. I still don't know why. I know your pain.
  11. Loss of a husband

    So sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 7 weeks ago. We were together 26 years. My best friend gone and now I'm totally alone. Having no choice I had to get our affairs in order and get a new job making much more money to support our household. Had I not been busy I don't know what would have happened as my first thoughts were to try and join her any way I could. Those thoughts have passed but I'm just going through the motions right now. My advice is to stay busy doing that saved me.
  12. Really bad weekend

    Same for me. Friday's are bad. I always looked forward to coming home and spending the weekend with her. This last Friday I got in my car and then remembered that she wouldn't be there waiting for me, that's how every Friday is now and then the weekend all alone. Had dinner at my sister's but her husband brought home everything that was in and on my wife's desk at work, she worked for him, I went through it and was a wreck for the rest of the night, couldn't eat because it was like it just happened all over again.
  13. "You Have To Let Him/Her Go."

    Interestingly, many years ago I began researching this very subject and learning techniques to communicate with the after life. Right now I only have the heart to work and sleep. I've told her I will be talking to her one day.
  14. "You Have To Let Him/Her Go."

    My opinion is that you need to let them go, not her. My wife's sister committed suicide and then my wife passed all in about a year. 4 years earlier their father died. Before we were all one big happy family, we did a big father's day every year at our pool, we had barbeques, family dinners and I still take care of the abandon house my wife grew up in (my mother in law temporarily moved to her daughters while she grieves). I've called them many times since my wife passed, no answer, I leave messages, no calls back. My brother in law called just to see how they are doing, no call back. They came to our house once to collect the expensive jewelry they gave my wife over the years and that's the last that I heard or saw of them. I stopped calling them. We were all very close so I'm not sure what the issues are nor do I care I have more important things to consider like how will I go on without the love of my life, my best friend. My family has been their and so has my wife's friends from throughout her life, they call they send cards we talk on the phone and cry together. She was loved greatly and we loved each other madly. So to some extent I've let her family go. I'm sure we'll talk again but I've begun to move on from that but just that right now. I miss my wife more than words can describe and her not being here anymore consumes my thoughts everyday. Going to my sister's house tonight for dinner, my neice and nephew will be there and my mother to. I'm greatful I have them.
  15. Lost my wife of 22 years

    So sorry for your loss. I lost my wife August 12th.
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