Please help me i have no one to talk too and I'm lost beyond measures.
I was in a loveless relationship only together because we benefited each other financially and i needed help with my two young children. I strayed from this to seek love else where and i must say i found the love of my life. He was every thing i have ever dreamed of and i fell hard for him. I was open and honest with him from the beginning that i was living with some one who i did not love and he didn't love me and that we were not even sleeping in the same bed, i explained that as soon as i can get up on my own two feet and support my two children i was going to move on my own. He seemed to understand he said he had gotten out of a relationship with his daughters mother and wasn't ready to move on with any thing serious yet. Within a month i seen signs of him being a tad controlling i thought it was cute because it was a form of attention i hadn't had before and even though he invited me to see where he lives he said he was staying with his brother and his family, so i never tried checking out where he lived at. Soon i was head over heels for this guy and actually saw a future with him, but when my best guy friend died from aids and my lover got angry i wasn't texting him back fast enough and i told him my friend just died from aids he started saying i was probably sleeping with my friend and that i'm nothing but a hoe. I couldn't believe he was talking to me like this i was hurt and didn't even reply to him..4 months went by i moved out of my house with some co workers and i came across my ex lovers number which i had not spoke to since that day he acted crazy. i sent him a text message just saying hey don't know if you remember me but i was thinking about you hope all is well.He replied with hey nice to hear from you but its a bad time my daughters mother is in the ICU and i'm scared. i told him stay strong and stay by her side ill keep her in my prayers. He continued to text me back and forth. later that night i was at work on night shift and he just wanted to talk. so i told him come on my break and we talked and i told him i wanted a serious relationship not no sometime fling. he said he wanted the same thing and he asked me to go on a date with him later when i got off. I gets off work. wasn't feeling hanging out so i told him i'm cancelling on the date. He tells me thats fine they had to just PULL THE PLUG on his baby mama. I had no idea she was even in that bad of shape i just thought she was in an accident or some thing. We texted all day and all night long for a week and i was telling him be strong for his daughter she needs u, he told me he just wanted to be held so i invited him over and one thing led to another and i felt like i had my man again. the next day i posted a prayer on facebook about him and him losing his daughters mother and a good friend of mine said hey are u talking about a guy named x?s I said yes why do you know him she was like yes we grow up together, how do u know him? i said were dating. and that is when i get hit with that wasn't just his baby mama but his WIFE that hes been with for 5 yrs and that they were very much still together and that she died suddenly of lupus complications. i confronted him and he told the truth now i was hurt but couldn't seem to just leave him alone in such a heart breaking time like this. Month later i finds out i'm pregnant and he pretty much talked me into having an abortion and it was the hardest thing i ever did but i know it wasn't the right time or situation to bring a baby into. Now at this point i had a fall out with the roommates and i was on fmla at work. so homeless and moneyless and my lover came to the recuse and put me and my kids in an apartment paid my bills got my car running good, spoiled me with money and i was spending the night at his house 98% of the time playing house.A yr goes by a very hard one by the way because hes okay one minute crying the next then angry, but i loved him and i felt that in time he would heal from grief and id be his every thing. So i moved in with him, and it was hard. he wouldn't take pictures down all her things were still in the same place even her tooth brush in the holder.Finally i said i couldn't take it the picture had to go and he actually took some down and i was shocked. this was my proof he really loved me and wanted this to work....then came battle of the kids and he felt like mine are monsters and his daughter was a perfect peach and we started arguing and yelling and he pull the she lost her mother and i'm like so what my kids lost there father and i not pulling that card every day. Turmoil got so bad i sent my kids away to my parents for summer break 3 hours away to get them out of the middle of it. they were gone now he found other thing to pick a fight about now all of a sudden he thinks i'm cheating because of my last relationship. i was about to pack up and leave to a shelter when boom I'M PREGNANT!!. he wasn't excited at all but i was beyond happy, this is what he needs to get out this funk of grief hes in and bring us more as a family. nope i was wrong. i found messages from girls and he had an excuse every time that justified them, then the arguing got so bad hes throwing my things out the door then begging me to stay, he would attack my kids every time we got in arguments telling them there bad and that his daughter is an angel to their face and point out every thing the do wrong and that's why we cant be together is because i'm a bad mother and don't discipline them ( so not true)oh and i don't clean as he claims but the house stays spot less. now at 8 months pregnant he tells me i need to look for some where else to live i start crying of coarse and hes like well stay then but things have to change. i bring the baby home after a c section and he goes to work in the morning and wasn't coming home tell after midnight (new behavior) so new baby 3 kids and a fresh surgery and i'm still expected to cook and clean. After week 3 of that i was like i'm going to stay in a shelter. of course he didnt want his my new born baby in no shelter during a snow storm so he convinced me to stay but cussed me out like a dog for telling him he needs to be home helping me. He did straighten out a tad, home more, took some of his wife's things down but i had to deal with emotionally withdrawn horrible attitudes negativity so i'm walking on egg shells. Now our baby is four months old the kids just started back to school, ugh my car broke down. and he tells me he doesn't trust me, i'm a liar a cheater, a fat hoe and i'm lazy and a bad mom. He calms down after a day of giving me attitude like i said them things to him and acts as if nothing happened. so i ask him, after discovering he hasn't posted me or our new baby on his facebook but posting his other daughter, whats up with that and is he cheating on me( oh found out he did cheat because the girl goes to my church, he admitted to it and said it was around the time we had the abortion 2yrs ago). so now hes mad i'm questioning him and accusing him of cheating and has no explanation about facebook. So today he hits me with i need to explain some things to you but i don't want to have this talk just yet but i'm not in love with you because my heart is still with my wife. ( her 3yr death anniversary is in a few weeks so hes in major depression and anger these days). so here i am today 29 with a 10yr old 7yr old and a 4 month old no where to go, no family,no friends,no money,i do have good job but i only work two days a week ( he pays all the bills but my car payment and any thing for my kids) and i'm just soo lost and hurt and scared in going to be on the street with my kids in foster care (one of my biggest fear losing my kids).