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About Maya77

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    My beatiful, loving and brave mother
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  1. I dont know whats going on with me, the last two weeks have been really difficult. I have been having nightmares, have been feeling really depressed, drained of all energy and will to go on...I feel like I went ten steps back in my grief journey, and I dont know why. My moms death anniversary has been a month ago, if anything, I would expect to feel like this back then. But it just hit me now I wonder? But I feel absolutely beaten down. I havent felt this terrible in months. I yearn for my mom more than ever. I feel like the more society expects us to have moved on by now, I feel less willing to move on than ever. If anything, I feel like I am back to the very beginning of the stage of disbelief, like this is isnt happening, like this is just a bad dream..I feel like the day I got the news my mom was terminally ill and had just a few weeks to go. I am sorry for rambling here, but I have no one to share this with...I dont want to dump all of this on my dad and my other family members...
  2. Im sorry for your loss...but I completely understand how you feel. For me, its been a year now that my mom has suddenly passed away, and I feel the very same way as you describe. I act and look "normal", but on the inside Im still incredibely hurting. I also have no one really to confide into, as honestly, a lot of people kind of expect you to move on by the one year mark, and that makes confiding in someone all that much harder. And my family suffers just as I do and a lot of the times I just dont want to worsen their own grief by dumping mine onto them...I try to be strong, for the sake of them and my own sanity, but it is very hard, even after all these months.
  3. ADCs as therapy

    I feel like this as well. Sometimes I also wonder if Im not just imagining all those little signs just to make me feel better, or that there really is something after life. Im not religious at all, but I also admit, that, like you, I feel better when I "pretend" that my mom is still around and can hear me and see me. I would love for it to be true...but I dont know. But honestly, it does make me feel better so I go with it. I already feel miserable enough...
  4. What my psychologist said to me and what I came to realise as well, is that my mother (who passed away inaugust) lives on through me. I have been living on my own for the last 6 years and I realised (even before she passed) that I subconsciously picked up on a lot of her household habits (such as cleaning the windows or doing the laundry in a specific way) or all the things she taught me when I still loved at home (all her cooking skills and tips and tricks and hacks). I have been living with roommates for a few years and I noticed how they do certain things differently, like making their bed and other, mundane and everyday things that you do automatically, and realised that I do them differently, like my mom used to. That always made me smile and thought of how I picked up on all of this stuff subconsciously. And I am even more aware of these things after her passing. So I see myself as her legacy, and try to live and to be the best version of myself that I can and how she brought me up. And one day, hopefully pass her legacy through me onto my children and teaching them everything my mom taught me.
  5. When its someone I just met or I will only meet once, I really dont feel going through the awkward dialogue after saying "my mom passed away few months ago". Maybe, once its a bit longer and I feel like there has been enough time in between I will say it just like that, but for now, I just keep it short and say "theyre doing fine". I live abroad so when people ask about my family I just say "yeah, they are still in my home country" or "Do you miss your parents?" And I just say "Yeah, but you get used to it" or something similar. So short, vague answers and trying to give away as least of details as I can. Only when they actually start asking about them, I then say what really happened. But I can totally see this really awkward when at a date or meeting someone semi-seriously. Its much easier to shrug this question off when the other person is just a random person you meet somewhere (and most likely never will see again). Its also one of the few reason I kind of put off dating and avoided certain people I knew just so I could avoid having this discussion....
  6. Lotti_Lulu: I also realise that. That nothing is ever ging to be the same, ever. I stumbled upon an article about surviving holidays after the loss of a loved one, and the author very nicely describes how I have been feeling and that everything changes...but that doesnt have to be a negative thing. the full article is here - http://blog.shft.us/home/2016/10/20/grief-and-the-holidays MissionBlue: really sorry to hear that Ernesto and you were struggling. I have similar fall outs with my dad, and it really sucks. I just wish at those times my mom was there, as she was always the pillar of support in my life. Also, this is one of the reasons I wont get a therapy because I really dont want a therapist to dictate what kind of a person my mom was. I mean, how rude! Of him(her?) to tell you such a thing about your dad. I am not sure how I would react at that moment... Also, hopefully everyone has been doing alright. Holiday season is coming and I hate it already I really dont want to celebrate anything, but I just wish it wasnt shoved up in your face on every occassion (thanks TV commercials and shopping malls).
  7. Does it really get easier

    Im so sorry for your loss. I also had a close relationship with my mom and the fact I am suddenly not able to tell her things (she was the only person I could really open up to and tell everything) is just miserable. I never was a fan of journaling or having a diary (not even as a kid), I began a journal where I pretty much wrote everything I wanted to say to my mom. Mundane everyday stuff or thoughts that really bothered me. It was like writing her a letter everyday, just not sending it. But I keep the journal next to her picture on my shelf so she can read it. This helped me a bit to ease the pain of not being able to speak to her anymore...
  8. How can I be happy again?

    I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom this august and she was my everything. I feel so empty without her. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, but I can really understand how you cant seem o enjoy it. I have been thinking about the same, I cant imagine how to handle pregnancy and have children without my mother being there with me. It is terrible. I am sorry, I dont have much advice and I know that no matter what i say wont really ease the pain you are feeling. Whenever I am havinga dark moment though, I try to talk to my mom and imagine whats he would tell me, and how he would support me and push me to get out of that dark place. I remember the love we shared and how much she loved me and the feeling slowly pushes me further and helps me through the worst. She may not be there with me physically, but her voice, her face, and her smile will never disappear from my memories and will be there with me wherever I do and whatever I do. Take care x
  9. Thank you for sharing your dream...I have wondered that as well. I have had different dreams where I saw my mom healthy and her old self again (before she was crippled with dementia) and I believe (and so a couple of other people told me) that that is indeed a sign that my mom is not suffering anymore. We have also visited a medium/psychic (more for the heck of it, but a friend of ours goes to her regularly and swears by her powers) and when we got to "contact" our mom she told us the same, that my mom is in heaven and she is no longer suffering. That is one of the few things that make me feel less distraught.
  10. Hello everyone new to this thread, so sorry for your losses. Today marks exactly 2 months since my mom passed away. I realised something and I wrote it down on my blog so Ill just copy paste it here... Last night I dreamt that my mom came back from the hospital and told us she was healthy and that she is coming back home. The pure joy but yet disbelief made me cry out from happiness and also made me faint because I just couldnt believe it. And then I woke up. I believe my subconsciousness is trying to come to terms with my moms death. Despite me being there the whole time, the funeral, the whole thing, part of me still doesnt want to believe it happend and doesnt want to come to terms with the loss. A part of me still believes this is some kind of a sick joke. I dont think I will ever fully come to terms with my moms death. I really dont. I will never accept it. I might get used to it, the pain might subside and ease up but I will never fully accept that she is not part of my life anymore and that she is not here with me anymore. I will never fully come to terms with that.
  11. I am so sorry about your loss I lost my mom a few weeks ago, and I also cant bear the feeling of her not being there for me when I marry or have my first child. I feel liek none of that had any meaning if I cant enjoy it with my mom by my side. Maybe this feeling will change as time goes on but so far, it is a very unrealistic thought. As for the guilt...we all feel that I guess. My father felt a tremendous amount of guilt when my mom died as he was wuestion if we did everything we could and he kept saying "what if this" or "what if that"...the way I look at it is that you never might know what the other outcome would be, so I try not to ponder about it too much. Imagine, if you opted for the surgery and it went bad, you would be feeling guilty that you havent listened to your mom...and the possibility of a positive outcome (surgery went well), well, you will never know for sure. The situation is as it is, and no matter what the other choice would be, it wont change anything because we unfortunately cant reverse time and change the past. That is at least how Ive been trying to deal with guilty feelings. Be strong and hang in there.
  12. Thank you for writing that....I have to admit, when I read that, I thought to myself "damn, thats pretty harsh" but then I realised that that is the reality of life. Sooner or later we all will go through the loss of pretty much all our loved ones as death is the only certain thing in life. (Unless they find out how to become immortal...who knows, ha!). But what you wrote really resonated in me. I also realised how unpredictable life can be and how stuff can go downhill for anyone, even if it seems like nothing bad can happen and that the happiness will last forever. What a terrible thing though, when you think about it.... Also, happy anniversary!
  13. Missing my dad today

    Im so sorry....but I unfortunately can relate. I have had a smiliar relationship with my mom, who passed away two months ago. I know my dad loves me as well, but he never quite knows what to say or how to comfort me or just say what I need to hear. My mom always knew it somehow...always said exactly what I needed, I could tell her anything, she was my biggest support and best friend...I also feel terrible when I think about things my mom will miss out on, like, helping me through my first pregnancy (I honestly dont even feel like having kids if my mom cant be around to help me with it)...everything just feels less meaningful without her around. Its always so terrible to lose your loved one. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is a great way to help you heal (at least a bit). Hang in there,...
  14. Heh, that sounds like my ex-boyfriend right there... And ktklck, really sorry for your loss. I agree with reading this whole thread, it has great bits and pieces of information and just general food for thought/experiences. Hang in there, my father struggled a lot with guilt about our mom passing away. I also felt very numb and lethargic after she passed away. It is normal...I still feel like this most of the time, despite starting to have moments of motivation to do stuff. But whenever I realise my mom is not with us anymore, I slip back to my low-energy mood...
  15. How is everyone doing? Ive been having some rough days...I moved back and the emptiness really hit me. I have a question, how do you (or did you) deal with not being able to contact that person anymore? I was used to text and call my mom for every small thing, a lot of the times it was just pointless "hi!" or "look at this funny picture!" stuff, and now that she is not here anymore, everytime there is something I wanna tell/show her...I get that terrible gut feeling, like someone punched me in the stomach. I dont know what to do about it... Also, how do you deal with the happiness of others? Like, when someone talks about how great their weekend was or this great trip they went on or how everything is nice and great, and youre just there sitting and feeling terrible because youre missing your mom and you feel like throwing yourself under the car? How is one supposed to react (without being seen as a jerk)? I just wanna sometimes tell people to shut up but I dont want to alienate the few people I have around me...