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About Maya77

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    My beatiful, loving and brave mother
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  1. I feel like this as well. Sometimes I also wonder if Im not just imagining all those little signs just to make me feel better, or that there really is something after life. Im not religious at all, but I also admit, that, like you, I feel better when I "pretend" that my mom is still around and can hear me and see me. I would love for it to be true...but I dont know. But honestly, it does make me feel better so I go with it. I already feel miserable enough...
  2. What my psychologist said to me and what I came to realise as well, is that my mother (who passed away inaugust) lives on through me. I have been living on my own for the last 6 years and I realised (even before she passed) that I subconsciously picked up on a lot of her household habits (such as cleaning the windows or doing the laundry in a specific way) or all the things she taught me when I still loved at home (all her cooking skills and tips and tricks and hacks). I have been living with roommates for a few years and I noticed how they do certain things differently, like making their bed and other, mundane and everyday things that you do automatically, and realised that I do them differently, like my mom used to. That always made me smile and thought of how I picked up on all of this stuff subconsciously. And I am even more aware of these things after her passing. So I see myself as her legacy, and try to live and to be the best version of myself that I can and how she brought me up. And one day, hopefully pass her legacy through me onto my children and teaching them everything my mom taught me.
  3. When its someone I just met or I will only meet once, I really dont feel going through the awkward dialogue after saying "my mom passed away few months ago". Maybe, once its a bit longer and I feel like there has been enough time in between I will say it just like that, but for now, I just keep it short and say "theyre doing fine". I live abroad so when people ask about my family I just say "yeah, they are still in my home country" or "Do you miss your parents?" And I just say "Yeah, but you get used to it" or something similar. So short, vague answers and trying to give away as least of details as I can. Only when they actually start asking about them, I then say what really happened. But I can totally see this really awkward when at a date or meeting someone semi-seriously. Its much easier to shrug this question off when the other person is just a random person you meet somewhere (and most likely never will see again). Its also one of the few reason I kind of put off dating and avoided certain people I knew just so I could avoid having this discussion....
  4. Lotti_Lulu: I also realise that. That nothing is ever ging to be the same, ever. I stumbled upon an article about surviving holidays after the loss of a loved one, and the author very nicely describes how I have been feeling and that everything changes...but that doesnt have to be a negative thing. the full article is here - MissionBlue: really sorry to hear that Ernesto and you were struggling. I have similar fall outs with my dad, and it really sucks. I just wish at those times my mom was there, as she was always the pillar of support in my life. Also, this is one of the reasons I wont get a therapy because I really dont want a therapist to dictate what kind of a person my mom was. I mean, how rude! Of him(her?) to tell you such a thing about your dad. I am not sure how I would react at that moment... Also, hopefully everyone has been doing alright. Holiday season is coming and I hate it already I really dont want to celebrate anything, but I just wish it wasnt shoved up in your face on every occassion (thanks TV commercials and shopping malls).
  5. Im so sorry for your loss. I also had a close relationship with my mom and the fact I am suddenly not able to tell her things (she was the only person I could really open up to and tell everything) is just miserable. I never was a fan of journaling or having a diary (not even as a kid), I began a journal where I pretty much wrote everything I wanted to say to my mom. Mundane everyday stuff or thoughts that really bothered me. It was like writing her a letter everyday, just not sending it. But I keep the journal next to her picture on my shelf so she can read it. This helped me a bit to ease the pain of not being able to speak to her anymore...
  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom this august and she was my everything. I feel so empty without her. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, but I can really understand how you cant seem o enjoy it. I have been thinking about the same, I cant imagine how to handle pregnancy and have children without my mother being there with me. It is terrible. I am sorry, I dont have much advice and I know that no matter what i say wont really ease the pain you are feeling. Whenever I am havinga dark moment though, I try to talk to my mom and imagine whats he would tell me, and how he would support me and push me to get out of that dark place. I remember the love we shared and how much she loved me and the feeling slowly pushes me further and helps me through the worst. She may not be there with me physically, but her voice, her face, and her smile will never disappear from my memories and will be there with me wherever I do and whatever I do. Take care x
  7. Thank you for sharing your dream...I have wondered that as well. I have had different dreams where I saw my mom healthy and her old self again (before she was crippled with dementia) and I believe (and so a couple of other people told me) that that is indeed a sign that my mom is not suffering anymore. We have also visited a medium/psychic (more for the heck of it, but a friend of ours goes to her regularly and swears by her powers) and when we got to "contact" our mom she told us the same, that my mom is in heaven and she is no longer suffering. That is one of the few things that make me feel less distraught.
  8. Hello everyone new to this thread, so sorry for your losses. Today marks exactly 2 months since my mom passed away. I realised something and I wrote it down on my blog so Ill just copy paste it here... Last night I dreamt that my mom came back from the hospital and told us she was healthy and that she is coming back home. The pure joy but yet disbelief made me cry out from happiness and also made me faint because I just couldnt believe it. And then I woke up. I believe my subconsciousness is trying to come to terms with my moms death. Despite me being there the whole time, the funeral, the whole thing, part of me still doesnt want to believe it happend and doesnt want to come to terms with the loss. A part of me still believes this is some kind of a sick joke. I dont think I will ever fully come to terms with my moms death. I really dont. I will never accept it. I might get used to it, the pain might subside and ease up but I will never fully accept that she is not part of my life anymore and that she is not here with me anymore. I will never fully come to terms with that.
  9. I am so sorry about your loss I lost my mom a few weeks ago, and I also cant bear the feeling of her not being there for me when I marry or have my first child. I feel liek none of that had any meaning if I cant enjoy it with my mom by my side. Maybe this feeling will change as time goes on but so far, it is a very unrealistic thought. As for the guilt...we all feel that I guess. My father felt a tremendous amount of guilt when my mom died as he was wuestion if we did everything we could and he kept saying "what if this" or "what if that"...the way I look at it is that you never might know what the other outcome would be, so I try not to ponder about it too much. Imagine, if you opted for the surgery and it went bad, you would be feeling guilty that you havent listened to your mom...and the possibility of a positive outcome (surgery went well), well, you will never know for sure. The situation is as it is, and no matter what the other choice would be, it wont change anything because we unfortunately cant reverse time and change the past. That is at least how Ive been trying to deal with guilty feelings. Be strong and hang in there.
  10. Thank you for writing that....I have to admit, when I read that, I thought to myself "damn, thats pretty harsh" but then I realised that that is the reality of life. Sooner or later we all will go through the loss of pretty much all our loved ones as death is the only certain thing in life. (Unless they find out how to become immortal...who knows, ha!). But what you wrote really resonated in me. I also realised how unpredictable life can be and how stuff can go downhill for anyone, even if it seems like nothing bad can happen and that the happiness will last forever. What a terrible thing though, when you think about it.... Also, happy anniversary!
  11. Im so sorry....but I unfortunately can relate. I have had a smiliar relationship with my mom, who passed away two months ago. I know my dad loves me as well, but he never quite knows what to say or how to comfort me or just say what I need to hear. My mom always knew it somehow...always said exactly what I needed, I could tell her anything, she was my biggest support and best friend...I also feel terrible when I think about things my mom will miss out on, like, helping me through my first pregnancy (I honestly dont even feel like having kids if my mom cant be around to help me with it)...everything just feels less meaningful without her around. Its always so terrible to lose your loved one. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is a great way to help you heal (at least a bit). Hang in there,...
  12. Heh, that sounds like my ex-boyfriend right there... And ktklck, really sorry for your loss. I agree with reading this whole thread, it has great bits and pieces of information and just general food for thought/experiences. Hang in there, my father struggled a lot with guilt about our mom passing away. I also felt very numb and lethargic after she passed away. It is normal...I still feel like this most of the time, despite starting to have moments of motivation to do stuff. But whenever I realise my mom is not with us anymore, I slip back to my low-energy mood...
  13. How is everyone doing? Ive been having some rough days...I moved back and the emptiness really hit me. I have a question, how do you (or did you) deal with not being able to contact that person anymore? I was used to text and call my mom for every small thing, a lot of the times it was just pointless "hi!" or "look at this funny picture!" stuff, and now that she is not here anymore, everytime there is something I wanna tell/show her...I get that terrible gut feeling, like someone punched me in the stomach. I dont know what to do about it... Also, how do you deal with the happiness of others? Like, when someone talks about how great their weekend was or this great trip they went on or how everything is nice and great, and youre just there sitting and feeling terrible because youre missing your mom and you feel like throwing yourself under the car? How is one supposed to react (without being seen as a jerk)? I just wanna sometimes tell people to shut up but I dont want to alienate the few people I have around me...
  14. Oh definitely. I remember one evening when I was skyping with my friend, this huge feeling of anger and hatred overwhelmed me so much (he was kind of bragging about his sister finally being pregnant), that i just almost threw my tablet across the room. I wanted to scream at him to stuff his sisters pregnant belly up his butt. Couldnt he see wha kind of a thing I was going through and that his little happy moment hurt even more? Why i said that life just isnt fair, is because my dad felt really guilty and questions himself in what he did wrong and what he could have done better (in order to help my mom), but there was no help, we did everything we could and we just had to watch her slowly wither away...I was mad for the longest time at everyone and everything, I was thinking, this isnt fair, why us? why me? why my mom out of everyone out there? It was so terrible...until I read this article - Seeing someone go through the same notion of "why me?" helped me a lot to cope with my own anger (it hasnt completely gone away, but helped me to tone my anger down quite a bit): "I never thought that anything bad would or could happen to me. I believed that if you were a good person then only good things would happen to you. I now know that while it’s important to be a good person, it won’t necessarily protect you from bad things. I also know that just because you only watch funny movies and refuse to read the back of your pregnancy books where they talk about complications and loss, your baby can still die."
  15. Radiosnactive - I am so incredibely sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. When my mom passed away I was feeling the same way. She was my closest friend, we shared everything. I still have my dad but we are both difficult personalities and therefore clash often. I can imagine the uncertainity you are going through right now is making it ten times worse. Being essentially orphaned at such a young age is just not fair. Unfortunately, life isnt fair. I am positive you will get over it somehow...or at least, manage it through the hardest times. Time is your friend and an enemy at the same time, when eases pain with time, but the bigger the loss, the longer it takes. We all somehow manage to get through the toughest times, and most of th etime, we are not even sure how we managed it. I can say I have no idea how I managed to survive the first month without my mom. It was partially auto-pilot and complete lethargy at times...but I managed to get through. Try to take it day by day. As I said, the uncertainty about everything is the worst...just try and see it through. I was always the type who had to plan everything, who hated uncertainity and had to have full control of everything. After my moms passing, I realised it just wasnt possible, and I (still learning how to) adapted a new outlook on life, and I just try to take it as it comes at me. Its completely alright not to know what to do. What has happened to you is the biggest tragedy a human being can go through (loss of a loved one) and it is completely normal to feel the most craziest mood swings and feelings. One moment you might feel completely desperate, the next moment you see a ray of hope for your future, and the next thing you know youre angry at the whole world and just want to die. Its all normal...its what comes with bereavement and grieving. It will be a hard time, probably the hardest you will face for a long time, so try to take it easy and allow yourself to feel and do what you need to do to make yoruself feel better and allow yourself to heal and work through it. Also, what helped me was just reading a lot about coping with grief and the stories of others, and the fact that you - we all - are not alone who went through something similar, and that there are others who we can relate to and share our pain with. Also journaling or blogging (I made a tumblr for it) helped me a lot, since Im not the one to grab a pen and a piece of paper to write it all down...but dont bottle up your feelings. If you feel like crying, cry, if you feel like laughing, laugh...