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About Dragonheart

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  1. Dear Theatre_Girl, I am so very sorry for your loss and I send all my deepest and heartfelt condolences to you. I lost my mother a little over a year ago and I experienced very similar moments of anxiety and panic when my father would go to bed when he would stay with me. In his specific case is a somewhat heavy drinker and I was positive he'd stop breathing in the middle of the night- I was convinced that alcoholism and grief would take him and I worried it would do the same to me. I would actually open his bedroom door to check if he was indeed still breathing on some occasions. I started questioning if I was going crazy, but I tried to be kind to myself (always easier said than done) bc grief is a pilgrimage. It is so unique and with it's own set of challenges and emotions for each individual. And though our paths are all different through this grief pilgrimage, often we experience similar happenings. You are not alone. Always remember that. And the fear of his death in the night has subsided for me, although it finds other ways to creep back in. However, the fear and panic are not as jagged and rough and immediate as they once were especially the first few months after my mom's death. Keep putting one foot forward in front of the other and savor all our time with our remaining parents, I always need to remind myself. I should call my dad now. All my best to you Peace and love, dragonheart
  2. Hi all, I want to thank this community for it's amazing support and the grace through which it functions. It's very hard for me to believe that it has been a little over a year since the death of my mother. This past year has not been my most graceful and has been down and out trench warfare with my demons. I ran into trouble for the first time in my life and what scared me was that I didn't care at the time. I was still so angry at losing my mom at an early age that I lost all my perspective. I walked in shock for 6 months not quite believing others when they would say that the shock would fade. I don't know what it was, dogged stubborness, faith in the power that be, or survival instinct, probably a combination of all them, that kept me going. I am relieved to say that the shock does fade, and a new reality sets in. Honestly, that's where I am having trouble these days. I feel like such a bad person in saying this, that although I intensely miss my mother, I miss the life we all had more when she was alive. I don't know, maybe it is all the same. I guess what I am saying is that I miss my innocence, my ignorance of death. I have lost friends to tragedy and suicide before but the death of my mom shook me to the core. Right now I find that any news of death, be it in the media or wherever, I am struck by how lawless this life seems. Up until my mom's death I lived my life like an actor playing in a script. All my problems and my hopes and my successes were based on how I envisioned life ought to be. I played the role of myself. It often made me unhappy, but at least I thought there was a rhyme and reason to life- however narrowly I defined life. For better or for worse, my mom's death blew up that notion of a script. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose my mom at this early age- my playwright never thought his piece would turn out a tragedy. And for 6 months after her death I was angry and confused and I felt betrayed that life didn't work by the script I thought it would. All the while knowing that I was incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mother who in the end died peacefully surrounded by her entire family. My hypocrisy and guilt shamed me to make some stupid and rash decisions. My health took a hit. My career certainly did. But now I find myself slowly chipping away at a new understanding of things. I am trying to find my security again, or at least a new definition of security. A favorite quote from one of my favorite bands, "(death) will steal your innocence. But it will not steal your substance." I will certainly say my innocence is gone and it has left a hole in me. It has left a whole void in how I function and it feels like I am painfully learning how to walk again. I will liken it to somewhat (not entirely though) how one feels a void after they remove an addiction from their life. They have to relearn how to think and feel and react in everyday situations that were once natural. This is where I find myself these days. To refer back to the quote, I have battled my own demons and battled intrusive thoughts that seemed very real especially in the months after her death. But I find that this quote reminds me what I have always known. We all have such beautiful substance and we deserve to live it. Even as I find my depression often makes me believe I have nowhere to go but to sink, I have always been frustrated that I am also a very hopeful person. "This can't be it!!" I rage in my head when I am sinking. But I have no clue how to swim myself out of it. I will say this, with the loss of that innocence, my arms feel like a heavy weight has been lifted. And though right now they may be flailing about, sometime in the future they will begin to move like something that resembles a swimming stroke and they will propel me forward and up. Thanks for letting me share. All my love to all, Dragonheart.
  3. Thank you with all my heart Lisa K. I never realized I loved my mother so unconditionally until now. And that's why I feel so guilty, and depressed. I am triggered back into depression bc I know my sister and my dad are grieving so incredibly hard but also getting on with their lives, whatever that means I honestly do not know. But i feel gone as they able to get by. Lisa K, we are not alone peace, love, and grace, dragonheart
  4. Hi all, I am so overwhelmed by your kindness and your grace to us all as we experience this (I have no word for this kind of loss), Thank you with all my heart for sharing your hurt and support, Lisa K, Sharon444, Everly, Marianne, MissionBlue, Lottie_Lulu, and those who I have missed (I am terribly bad at internet and I apologize extremely) I hurt tonight. Tonight I just feel so alone bc I dont even feel I cane reach out to those just a text away. I just went back on antidepressants bc of the panic I have been having and antidepressants scare the hell out of me. But I hope it will help me in the long run. I know I have a family condition in which I need to treat it, but I have always been hesitant to take them bc I am an actor and I always selfishly wanted to protect what I thought I was my craft. I hate pills, but now I am on them, and I can't help drinking because my mom is dead. I cant quite fathom it. So I drink. I am sorry, I feel weak and helpless. You all are inspirations. I feel so helpless. Goodnight. Grace, peace, and love, dragonheart
  5. Loss of mother, guilt and anxiety

    HI there Krystal, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. And at such a young age. Peace, love, and grace. That is what my mom taught me, and I only realize it now. It is grace, however you define it, grace is what keeps us going- and I am not religious but I would say my spirit soars with grace hopefully. I know no words can express what we feel, but I actually think they can express somewhat what we are going through. Please don't feel crazy, all emotions are true and painful and valid. I have had all kinds of thoughts, from anxiety to other darker and the darkest of thoughts. But what I keep reminding myself is that these thoughts don't define who I am. But I hold on to these beliefs because I think we need them now. Anxiety, I wake up with it and am near panic every moment, and what's hard in my case is I am an actor who deeply cares about his craft and fears he can never act again after my mother's passing bc I am static. But I don't know. I am so grateful our stories have found each other GingerMeadow and I hope we all in this forum can heal. peace and love, dragonheart
  6. Hi all, First off I would like to thank May for leading me to this message board and the wonderfully kind response that you left. It is so calming to know that there are such wonderful places to talk and grieve. Im 26 and lost my 59 yr old Mom a week ago to brain cancer. I was blessed to be home with her the past few months and see her though hospice at the house. She died peacefully and without much pain, she was surrounded by family and in a house full of food (which is very important to her because she was Italian). It's so strange to be on the other side of a 7 month battle with cancer. Part of me feels a lightness now that what we always knew what was going to happen actually happened. But now I just feel like I am on the verge of panic everyday. I've had depression and panic attacks in the past and I know somewhat how to help myself out of them, but this anxiety and panic feel different because I have never lost someone this close to me. I unfortunately lost a close friend 6 years ago. He was 33 and died of grief over his mother's death, a mixtures of prescription drugs and alcohol and a preexisting heart condition took him in his sleep. In my anxiety and panic these past few days, I am so irrationally afraid I might unknowingly follow his path. I take care of myself the best I can. But the irrationality of my mom dying so fast and young and the irrationality of my friends death just has me wandering around scared and confused and anxious that at any moment the sky will fall. It's only been a week, but I feel so guilty that I am so worried about myself at a time like this. What's also difficult is I know family is worried about me and that just makes me feel weaker. I don't know. I feel strange for posting, I've never done anything like this, but it seemed right to share here. You all look like wonderful people. And thank you so much for welcoming me into the fold. peace and love, dragonheart
  7. Hi all, I've never done this sort of thing so I apologize if this is posted in the wrong place or if this is not the right way to post. I am 26 and I lost my 59 year old mother about a week ago to stage four brain cancer. After everything has finally settled a bit, I find myself feeling so terribly guilty about anxiety I'm having. I am so blessed because I know she died without much pain, she died in her own home, she died with a lot of care around her, she died with her family around her. I was so blessed to be able to stay with her these past two months as her condition deteriorated rapidly. Now I'm suffering from anxiety every single day and I am on the verge of panic attacks which I've had for but are coming with more frequency. And I just feel so selfish that I'm having all this happen to me guilty that in someway I'm making my mothers death about me by feeling anxious and Having dark thoughts,. I know I am not my anxiety, but I just feel like I'm walking in fog and as I watch the news I feel like the world is burning to the ground. Have people felt this way before, I'm sure they have, I just feel like I'm floundering. thank you and all my best peace and love, dragonheart