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Everything posted by KayC

  1. I hope you have a great time! I guess all that work you did is another reason I haven't camped since George died. I can't even lift a generator! He did all that stuff, I did the cooking. I'm glad you have someone to go with you.
  2. Kylie, My heart breaks for you. To come so close to being with him...it defies words. I am so sorry. That you both made so much effort to the relationship says a lot about it. We don't expect this, it's a huge shock. In the beginning I didn't want to live, I didn't see how I could go on without him, he was my life, my everything! But I'm glad I stuck it out. It's been 12 years now and I've worked very hard at my grief...it took me probably three years to process my grief, many years more to create some what of a life I could live, longer yet to find purpose. Now I'm working on making friends, it's slow go at my age, people already have their friends. But I keep pressing on, what else can we do. Your English is great, no worries there. You've found a good place to be, with people who get it, that understand. I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to read and post, we're all in this together.
  3. I think we have to shut the "what ifs" off ourselves, in the beginning they come, then one day we just realize it doesn't do any good to rehash what didn't happen and deal with what did, we have to accept that we loved to the fullest and tried our best and that has to be enough. They know how we feel, they love us still.
  4. Andy, Part of it may be your daughter's youth, but part of it is that she lost her mother, not a spouse, it's different. We expect to lose our parents, but we don't think we'll lose our spouse until we're old, this catches us way off guard. I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child. I felt gypped that my dad would not get to be a grandpa like he wanted. I felt gypped that my kids wouldn't get to know him. But it doesn't come close to losing my husband. It had been 12 years since I'd lived with my dad, he wasn't a part of my everyday existence like my husband was, I didn't count on him to meet my needs or share my innermost thoughts with. I realize your daughter is closer to you and younger, so it may hit her harder, it's impossible to compare losses anyway, but even so, it's not the same as YOUR loss. Your wife will continue to be proud of her. It was hard for me going to my son's wedding without George, going to his college graduations with George, being there in the hospital as his children were born without George, going to the open house he had when he bought his home, again, always, without George. But maybe, just maybe, George was able to get a glimpse of what was going on, maybe he was there, unseen by us all, sharing in his victories. I don't know how all that works...was he there when my daughter got married? And now that she's lost her baby and her husband left her, does he see that as well? The bible says there's no more tears in heaven...so if they can see what's going on, how can there be no more tears? Is it because they know what the final outcome will be, that things will work out? I don't know, but perhaps.
  5. I wouldn't want to move away from a strong support system. I DON'T have a strong support system and I wish I did! It's one of the most important things you can have. We do learn to adjust and cope with our loss eventually, but it's much easier done with support. My kids are grown and moved away, living their own lives, my one sister who lives here isn't able to be of support to me as she's disabled, doesn't drive more than a block or two. My mom has passed away. It's hard on your own.
  6. Marsha, It does take a while for it to sink in. These rude awakenings when it hits all over again are very rough...there will come a day when it will be in your subconscious and it will no longer hit you afresh. Nicole, You will never replace him, so l hope you can put that thought aside. I carry my George inside of me, grief becomes a part of us, a part that we learn to coexist with. I have a friend whose husband died, and she eventually remarried to someone else who had lost their wife. They both embrace both the old and the new, don't compare, don't expect the other person to be like the one they lost, but have learned to live in today and enjoy their time together. Worrying about losing him almost kept her from remarrying, she didn't feel she could go through that again, but she finally decided she didn't want that to stop her from living her life to the fullest and if she does have to go through it again (one of them will), that is the price for loving. I'm glad she made that choice, she almost didn't, but they are very happy together and both of them being widowed before helps them understand each other.
  7. I am so sorry you lost your cat. I lost my 19 year old cat to cancer 11 years ago and I still miss him. It's very hard making that decision, but it comes from the love and kindness of your heart to want to spare your cat the pain and suffering...yes, you did the right thing. I wish I could have had mine euthanized a month sooner, it would have spared him a lot of suffering, but he was misdiagnosed at the weekend vet I took him to. By the time my own vet diagnosed him, he'd suffered needlessly. I hope these articles will help. Guilt is a common part of grief, but that doesn't mean it's deserved. We do our best, we love our animals. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  8. nicoleashley94, I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone else has to go through this grieves us because we understand what that means. You are right, other people have relationships with him but they are different from yours, each of our grief is unique. We also handle our grief uniquely. You have found a good place to come to, a place where others "get it" and understand and care. It helps to express yourself, as you have in your blog and here. When my George died, I felt my power stripped from me, after all, no one had asked ME if I wanted this! The most important event to affect my life and I wasn't even consulted! I have found that expressing myself restores some of that power that was taken from me, it gives me a voice even if it doesn't change the ultimate outcome of his death.
  9. I'm glad you've made it through the funeral and that your work environment is so supportive, that is very helpful. My brain was in the "grief fog" and it was difficult to think and do my job (perfection was a requirement as everything was to mil-spec) so I asked my boss to check my work for a while, he was great about it, people at work were understanding and supportive so I was fortunate, like you, in that respect. Going home was hard. The break in our normal routine...he'd call me on his breaks and that was now noticeably absent. He used to show up at my office Friday evenings with a drippy ice cream cone, and I'd wonder what I was supposed to do with it while I was busy wrapping up the day, I'd send him to the post office with the mail so I could finish "closing". How I missed that when Friday nights rolled around! Going home to an empty house. Weekends were the hardest, that was "our time", I didn't know how to fill it, how to survive it. Now I'm retired and living alone...this isn't what I'd envisioned for my life. I miss him more than mere words could ever express. But I've learned to do this as best as I can, we all do, the "unthinkable". Getting there is hard. One day at a time, I still remind myself that.
  10. Very good points!
  11. Reading this made me think of this article: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html I wish I could have been there in his final moment but that option was ripped from me. One consolation is perhaps it allowed him to focus easier on his final transition.
  12. It hasn't sunk in to the deepest part of you yet that she is gone. I actually think this is a harder phase than when it does sink in because when these rude awakenings occur, they are horrible, like when you first find out. Little by little your brain processes it, the adjustment can't happen until it finally has processed, it takes a while. It's easier when we're with friends/family, it's a distraction and we also feel their supportiveness. Coming home to harsh reality is tough. It is good, though, to have a brief reprieve from the deep pits of grief.
  13. Kazar, I can imagine how you're feeling because I have gone through that, it's very hard not knowing where/how they are. I lost Autumn years ago, she was 14 and very arthritic, I think she went off to die. My other pets are buried on my property and I wish she could have too, but I think she's nearby somewhere, maybe even on my place (I have acreage). A year ago Miss Mocha disappeared, like Zak she had never left for more than a few minutes, but she was in great health so I think something got her. Not knowing makes it difficult to have closure and very difficult to adjust. My heart is with you, I know it's difficult, I hope Pushka pulls through and you find out something about Zak.
  14. It's recommended we not make major changes the first year or two, but there are times for exceptions. If you are having a really hard time where you are and strongly feel the need for change, as long as you've given it a good chance to adjust and still feel that urging, then perhaps a move might be of help to you. This is something I'd bring up to your grief counselor for points to consider. I don't think I'd decide finally until you've given yourself the chance to be inside the home and see how you do there...it might take a while to know.
  15. It absolutely seems Bev was giving her the idea to bring you a sunflower! I would take that as a sign of her presence, her wanting to be there for you on your special day.
  16. I don't know about the psychology of it all, all I know is whatever those last moment are, we relive them, over and over and over again. They haunt us. After 12 years it's faded a tiny bit, but still there. They were shocking him, doing compressions, everything to try and save him when they threw me out and locked the door behind me. It's always haunted me that in his greatest need, I was denied being able to be with him. Did he think I deserted him? Or did it bring him a tiny essence of relief to not have to worry about me or my reactions and focus on what he was going through? I don't know, I guess I have to wait a lifetime to find out. I only know when we are together again, heaven will exist only to us, for to us two, we'll be the only ones that exist. Sigh...
  17. Jen, At some point we're all left alone to deal with what our life is now. Of course that's scary! I remember feeling very anxious, frantic in those early days. Still do at times. You're not crazy. You will cry, you will scream, but you will have moments when you catch yourself actually smiling and it will take you by surprise. Everything you feel is normal. In the beginning, thoughts of George spun me into tears, eventually thoughts of him brought me comfort, encouragement, I can't say how long that took to change, quite a while though. One day at a time.
  18. Azipod, I am so sorry. I know that the moment my husband died, my life changed forever, the world as I knew it was never the same again. It stole an innocence, my existence was no longer carefree and happy. I miss my other half, my world. You are right, we learn to adjust, get better at coping, can hone those skills, but at the end of the day, they're still gone. One thing that has helped me is my belief that we'll be together again. Like KMB said, I still remember being where you are, now 18 days out. Yeah, probably still in shock. I felt anxious, desperate, I needed someone to talk to and there was no one. Our friends disappeared, family didn't understand because they hadn't been through it. 12 years later that's still the case. I didn't see how I could do it, how I could live without him. I didn't see how the sun could still rise and set and life, people, chatter would continue. Yet it has. It's like the rest of the world doesn't realize that my world was so severely altered that day. I felt it had ended. It hasn't ended, just everything wonderful about it (him) did. I've worked hard, very hard, at positivity, and that has helped, on focusing on what is rather than what isn't, taking one day at a time, going on, building a life for myself, finding purpose. Nothing replaces him, nothing fills that void, but I've learned to do my life, that's a feat in itself. I want to share an article I wrote, we each find our own way through this. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  19. I also felt anger towards God for a while, but at about a year I realized He had been with me throughout everything. I don't think God "took" my husband, I think a heart attack did. Maybe George contributed by not eating perfect before he met me, maybe he contributed by the stress he'd endured, but I can't blame him, I'm no different, none of us are perfect. Some of it is just the genes we inherit. Some of it seems to be an out of kilter world we live in. I don't think anything could make me hate dogs, my dog is the joy in my life now, but I understand we all grieve differently. I'm sorry you're going through such a horrid place.
  20. None of us can know what another should do under all circumstances because grief hits us in different ways even with similar circumstances. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that spending some time in his home will bring you some comfort, but if it feels unbearable, I hope you can stay elsewhere so it won't feel overwhelming. Does he have a sister or someone who could be with you in case it's too hard being alone there? It's so hard to predict how we're going to feel until we're in it. I came home to our house after he died, my daughter was with me, she slept with me, but I only slept an hour. It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to.
  21. Francine, I'm sorry you went through such a down time, but I'm glad there were those in place to uplift you. I know there are times I feel very, very alone, and it's not a good feeling. This is indeed a very long hard journey.
  22. I'm so sorry too...I responded to you on the other forum, not sure if you've seen it yet. http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/10627-my-19-year-old-fur-baby-is-dying/#comment-133435
  23. I agree, it couldn't hurt to ask the university, what does it hurt them to allow one more person in? As for the other forum, it doesn't sound like they have much inkling of grief response, try not to take what they say to heart, they aren't getting it obviously. I don't know why people respond like they do (or rather don't) but it is grief talking, when we're grieving we can be a mess, sounds like his family is at that place, they aren't thinking clearly. This is not a case of they are an inner circle and you are on the outside looking in, you were his #1 and continue to be!
  24. It seems so wrong that you not be able to attend, you were the most important person in his world. Have you contacted the university and told them of the situation? Maybe they could give you a ticket, you should be their honorary guest!