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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

KayC

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Everything posted by KayC

  1. Broken down, hurt, lost, and confused

    Ashley, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I also went through miscarriages when I was young and due to infertility had a hard time conceiving but eventually had two children, now grown and gone. My husband died 12 1/2 years ago and I wrote this article based on what I've learned over the last twelve years, I hope something in it is of help to you. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  2. 5 LIES YOU WERE TOLD ABOUT GRIEF.

    None of us realized in the beginning. I don't think I could even THINK in the beginning! We had no concept of what it'll be like because we'd never been through anything like this before.
  3. Grieving my future

    No kidding. Another sister last night when I was telling her about getting 20" of snow between Saturday night and Sunday night said, "Well you knew what you signed on for when you moved there." What?!! First of all I was 24, I was getting married, he already had the property and it was JULY, I didn't know how much it'd snow! Nor did I know 23 years later he'd get a divorce and leave me here with the kids. Or that I'd meet and marry my soul mate and that he would die just 3 years and 8 months later at the age of 51. This sister's whole life is about travel and decorating and having parties, and she gets a couple of inches of snow once in a while. She has no clue, she's never lived on her own. Honestly, where is the empathy!
  4. Move forward

    I understand. Right now it's still so soon, it hasn't even been 1 1/2 years, try not to think about the rest of your life and just get through today. We're here listening, all going through this together.
  5. Animals seem to vary with their grieving. When my husband died, my dog Lucky grieved heavily, so did our cat Tigger (he left home after seeing my husband never showed up after two months). When I lost Lucky, it hit Miss Mocha (cat) as she adored her. But when I lost Miss Mocha, my current dog and cat seemed not to notice. I thought that was odd. You never know how they'll take it and sometimes they don't always show us what they're thinking and feeling. I hope your other one does okay, just give lots of love and attention.
  6. Had to have my Golden put down

    @Brandi07 I am so sorry. My dog is 1/2 Golden Retriever, 1/2 Siberian Husky, got the Husky personality, face, feet, tail, got the tumors and cysts from the Golden Retriever. It's very hard. Wonderful dogs, I had another Golden Retriever years ago, he got cancer, was put to sleep the day before his tenth birthday. Their average life span now is nine years. It's hard to understand why we can't have them longer, we love our dogs and all I can say is we enjoy them to the fullest while we can and afterwards, the loss is deep and it takes much time to process this. My heart goes out to you in your loss.
  7. Lost my little buddy of 13 years

    I read your story in the other thread. I am so sorry. It's common to question everything afterwards, as if we're looking for another possible outcome, but the truth is, we did our best, we loved them with all our hearts and gave them the best care. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  8. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    Rosello, I read your heartbreaking story...it could be any of us writing it, it is so hard to lose them, you're right, they're a member of our family. I look at Nunu's sweet face and my heart breaks for Nunu's Mommy. This is hard.
  9. 3 months tomorrow...

    I'd venture to say most all of you are smarter than I am. I have no confidence when it comes to anything mechanical, by that I mean anything with two parts or more. I'm a whiz at bookkeeping, the best, I can spot a number that's off in a report, I know how to get the desired results. I can run an office, was a great Office Mgr and Bkpr for 45 years. I was a great mom, did a great job raising my kids. I can cook, sew, clean, do laundry, pay bills, and am super organized. BUT I know NOTHING about the running of a machine. I take my car in to have it worked on. I shovel snow because I know how to rather than buying a plow because I don't know how to operate it or take care of it. But somehow I've survived nearly 13 years alone and I'm doing it. No matter how big or small our accomplishment, I know they're proud of us, we're learning to go it alone and that has been no easy feat. I survived surgery with no one here to help me when I didn't even know if I could get up by myself once I sat down. I managed to. When I get scared or anxious I remind myself of all I have made it through and that I only have to deal with getting through TODAY. Today. I try to stay in today.
  10. 5 LIES YOU WERE TOLD ABOUT GRIEF.

    Jeff, That article is right on! People who think we should get over it don't have any idea what they're talking about. My grief specialist would never purport those lies, she went into this line of work after she lost her child, she's never lost her husband, but she has learned enough about grief not to say those stupid things. She knows to throw away the word "should". She knows our grief journeys are unique. And as for time, it takes what it takes, for many of us it is a rest of our lives thing, although it evolves and doesn't stay the same. She knows not to compare, not to discount someone else's grief, feelings, or experience. And I thank God for her, I've learned so much from her. It's good to hear from you again!
  11. Grieving my future

    You all are so right. I love my sisters and they're wonderful but they don't get it, they all have their husbands, they have not a clue. They still go on their vacations and have someone to take care of them when they have surgery or are injured. They still have someone to talk over their day, share expenses with, and share affection with. They still have someone to drive them places when they can't drive, someone to do half the chores, someone who cares about them...someone who leaves the garage light on for them. My one sister even goes so far as to say how lucky I am because I don't have to listen to sports! Are you freaking kidding me!!!
  12. I used to have an iPhone and I loved it but when I retired had to let it go. I have my son's 15 year old Droid and it won't update because it's so old, so can no longer get on the web and it never would Facebook. Only for phone calls and texts and sometimes email comes in on it. So you are way ahead of me, all the changes the last few years and I'm out of it! Would like to get a new one someday but can't justify the expense since there's no cell coverage at my house anyway. All you do is click on "choose files" in your post and then you go to where your pictures are stored, click on the picture, then "open" and it will put it in your post, wait for it to load and then "submit reply". Done!
  13. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    I am so sorry. Nunu is beautiful and I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. It's so hard to go through. Been through it too many times. Dogs are the most wonderful creatures, so devoted and loving. Wishing comfort and peace for you.
  14. Cancer in my household (3 of 3)

    Oh Hon, I am so sorry, yet it sounds like she went peacefully and the way SHE wanted to go, with you there with her and smelling the outdoor smells. You're right, she's with her brothers now. So hard to go through...
  15. I'm not ready.....

    Sarah, I hope your meetings aren't too long, it has to be hard to concentrate when your heart is at home. No change with my sister, still sleeps all the time, is drinking Ensure now, still no energy, it's dragging out, I know this is no kind of a life for her, she can't even read now. More snow today, more snow coming as far as they can predict. Seems all I do is shovel, no wonder I can't get over this virus! I'm glad Ava was able to walk with you. I understand about giving the body rest from food, Arlie battles chronic Colitis.
  16. Lost my beloved dog yesterday and can’t cope

    I hear the cries of pain from both of you and I know your hearts are in anguish. I wish there were something I could do but I already know all anyone can do is sit with you. What you really want I can't give.
  17. Indeed we cannot prepare for the finality even when we know it's coming, it hits like a bolt of lightening all the same. The good memories will come, but not for a while, right now is the time when the pain hits, it takes time and it hurts going through this adjustment.
  18. 3 months tomorrow...

    @Jenn4 I'm proud of you! I still can't get that air pressure thing to work. But you can always drive to a gas station and get some put in, but now you won't need to, you figured it out! It does feel good to learn to do something we never had to before! And Lisa, you too, you're also doing things you never expected you would, but you're doing it!
  19. How does a person go on?

    blackroses, Are you seeing a grief counselor? If you haven't started doing so yet, it might really help you. It's only been three weeks, it takes much time to process this, talk to us...
  20. He’s gone -:((((((

    @#Lostsoul I'm so sorry you lost your husband and at such a young age. We never expect this. My husband was barely 51 when he died, it was a shock, heart attack. He looked the picture of health. I'm glad you are getting counseling, I hope it's a professional grief counselor. Most are not ready for grief support groups for a couple of months, it's too raw, too soon, but it all depends on how YOU are feeling about it and each group is different so it'd depend on the fit. How to tell little children...there are books to help children understand death: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html And then there's this article...it's written with sibling death in mind but the same things can be applied in loss of their dad... Affection Assuage Affirmation https://www.opentohope.com/dont-send-wrong-message-surviving-children/ You have found a good place to be in this site. We're all going through this together, different ages, different stages in journey, but we all get it, how hard it is to lose our spouse, what all that means to each of us. I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey and I hope there's even one thing you can glean from it and put to use: TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  21. Lost my beloved dog yesterday and can’t cope

    It's not silly to stay home from work and recognize that you're tired, you've been through a lot and this is going to take some time to get adjust to. I wish you well as you try to tackle work today, it can be really hard to focus when grieving, but I hope work can be a brief distraction for you at least. I'm glad you have your other dog too. I think we feel our most vulnerable when we're suffering such a loss.
  22. My cat got hit by a car last night.

    That's one of the most inappropriate responses to grief I think there can be because it invalidates our feelings and experience. No one can tell you what you should be feeling or going through because it is YOUR experience, YOUR relationship, YOUR pet. People who relegate our relationship with our pet to a back seat simply have not had the relationship we have experienced with them so they cannot possibly get it. They mistakenly think somehow if they put it down and attempt to diminish it that we will feel better??? No! The opposite is true! To have someone come along side you and listen to you and be there for you, to give you the opportunity to share stories about your loved one when you are ready, that person is an asset and a friend.
  23. @Alison 1975 I'm glad you found this place too. Sometimes people come here and post one post and don't come back, but it's still good that they have this outlet, it helps so much to have this outlet to express ourselves and know we're heard when we're needing it so much. This is a safe place where we know others understand.
  24. Cancer in my household (1 of 3)

    It's okay to post parts 2 and 3 in the same thread so everyone has just one place to go (you can copy and paste). I will post my response here so your replies will be together if you choose to do that. I am so sorry you lost MoJo and then Max. The odds, it's really hard. You made such a difference in Max' life, amazing! And now, Abby. I'm so sorry. I lost a cat to cancer, King George, in 2006, I miss him still. He was so stoic, such a wonderful cat, my greeter. Cancer is such a hard thing, it robs all in its path. I can only wish for some peace for you. Keep coming here, posting your feelings, what you are going through, we'll be here for you.
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