KayC

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Everything posted by KayC

  1. That's a very good idea, Bradley. It stretches us to get out of our comfort zone, helps us through this, but it's just a important to recognize our limits and not try too much at once. It's important to strike a balance between the two.
  2. Thank you for sharing that.
  3. I am so very sorry. Your BF was very troubled and you are in no way at fault for that. I hope you have some family and friends that ARE supportive, I would not choose to spend time right now with those who are attacking and unsupportive. What your BF did was try to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wanted, and I'm sorry, that is never justified or right. There is a very good book called Emotional Blackmail that helped me in dealing with people like that, often it is those closest to us that try it. His suicide shows he was not happy with his life and felt unable to deal with it, it is not a reflection of you or your responses. We can only be responsible for our own choices, not others'. I do hope you'll seek some professional help to help you through this. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html
  4. Fernicity, You have come a long way on your grief journey and have learned what is right for you, hold to that. When people tell you something inappropriate, I hope you call them on it and voice yourself. I'm sorry the VA is being so slow, that is really unfair to you. Have you tried contacting your state representative to see if they can get a quicker response? I'm in Oregon, and our Peter DeFazio is wonderful about getting results for us. I am sorry for your loss. This has been a journey (for me) that is rich with what I have learned but is the hardest journey I've ever had to embark on. I have kept our home the way it was, but I choose not to sleep in our bed as it is a reminder how empty it is. We must do things the way it feels right to us.
  5. One day at a time. To take on any more than that is to invite anxiety. I wake up, tell myself I only have to do today, and then I do it. The next day I get up and do it all over again. It's been nearly 12 years for me and I still can't contemplate "the rest of my life" or "years", it's too much. Bite off only what we can chew. Understand that our grief journey evolves, it's ever changing, it does not stay the same. We adjust, we learn to cope, but the missing them continues, as does our love.
  6. If this was so, people wouldn't commit suicide. That verse is taken out of context, the way it gets relayed it sounds like we're failures if we feel we're in over our heads and that just is not the case. The verse in question, 1 Corinthians 10:13, is actually referring to temptation, not handling the trials of life and certainly not in dealing with loss and grief. When Jesus encountered loss, he cried. God understands we need His help going through life and He avails Himself to us, I could not make it through life without His aid.
  7. I am so sorry. Sometimes someone is on self-destruct and we're unable to stop it, and that's the worst feeling in the world. I hope you understand that this was a problem he had, but not something you are responsible for. You did everything right, you did everything you could. Sometimes it feels like that isn't enough because it didn't have the outcome we'd hope for, but the truth is, we don't have control over everything, least of all someone else's choices. I do hope you'll see a professional grief counselor that can help guide you through this, and get help for your son also. This can be too much to try to take on by yourself. Those of us here share in our journey but are not qualified professional grief counselors, we're just sharing what we've learned as we traverse this as best as we can.
  8. You may feel like it but you're not. No, you shouldn't be coping better, this takes more time and effort than anyone can imagine. We all do well to get through the day. And then get up and do it all over again. Try to let go of such expectations and be very patient and understanding of yourself, the same as you would with a friend going through it.
  9. I think it's more of an individual choice. I've known other in my mom's age range that handled their widowhood differently than her and remarried. It's very much an individual personal choice.
  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your day back at work goes okay without people making stupid comments. If they do present, I think I'd reply something like, "It might seem just a cat to someone else but not to me, to me, Woody was everything." I don't know how old your kids are but that might factor in to why they're upset at the thought of cremation, they don't understand what it is and what it isn't.
  11. I think KMB's idea was a good one, it'd give you an idea of how you feel without jumping into the permanence.
  12. Hi Julie, I'm glad you found your way here, no judgment here, just a lot of people going through our grief journeys together and sharing about them. Loss brings with it a lot of stress so it's not surprising to me that you find yourself responding in a way that you wouldn't have before. No one needs criticism, especially when grieving! I wouldn't even respond to her, just block her and be done with it. That's not a friend! We have a thread going about friendship BTW. I didn't have will to live at first either, and it's something I still struggle with but I'm still here years later. It takes a lot of effort to build ourselves lives we can live with but it can be done. Takes a long while and lots of patience! (((hugs)))
  13. This whole statement is so true. There's nothing like sitting across from someone, being able to look them in the eyes or get a hug. Something about sharing a cuppa! I miss that and need to work harder at establishing friendships. I'm in a couple of groups, and that's good, but I need some one on one and just need to arrange it.
  14. Oh thank you so much, Francine, you have no idea how much that means to me, and to her. I asked her permission to add her to my church' prayer chain and she said, "Oh will you please!!" so I know she appreciates all the prayer she can get.
  15. This will be my 12th without him. I remember after he died (on Father's Day), getting through the 4th of July when his closet rod broke and I had to box up his clothes. Then came Labor Day, the day that was so big in my family, we always went camping, our last hurrah before the kids would go back to school...this Labor Day a deer hit my car and no one called to make sure I made it home okay. Then came my birthday, I cried myself to sleep because no one remembered it or said happy birthday and George had always made such a big deal of it. Again, his absence was palpable. Then Thanksgiving, with his empty chair and me fleeing to the kitchen in tears, the kids not knowing how to respond, my daughter coming in to put her arms around me. Then Christmas, I'd wanted to skip it but my son was home on leave from the Air Force and they wanted to go get a tree, so I let them, and they helped put it up and decorate. It was harder to get through than they can imagine. New Year's, leaving behind the last year I'd ever be with him in. Valentine's, going to our church banquet without him, enduring all the Sweetheart theme alone, it was really really tough. We'd been so romantic, so in love, how do you do Valentine's without your Valentine? By the time it rolled around to Easter, I major rebelled! NO EASTER! My kids understood. I stayed home from church and ignored the day. No special dinner. Nothing Eastery. The following Sunday I had my kids up for a big dinner but we made no mention of Easter. They understood. The truth is, everything changes for us with their death and the holidays are hard hitting. I want to wish you well on your Easter but I understand if it's just plain old a really tough day.
  16. Sue, My heart goes out to you. I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, he was controlling and I never felt he loved me. How different when I met and married George! We were soul mates and clicked in every way, we truly loved and appreciated each other. To lose him was like having the bottom fall out of my world. It is hard, it's like you spent your life in a void and then finally find this person you were meant to be with and boom, it's gone!
  17. My mom died at 92. She didn't date either, although she had a couple of marriage proposals...she was alone 32 years after daddy died.
  18. Hi Ashley, I recognize you from the other site, I'm at both places too. This site is minus the grief counselor, Marty, and all the help she provides, but it seems to get more traffic. There's some good people here that are welcoming!
  19. Andy, It can take quite purposeful effort to find purpose and build a life for yourself that you can live. It took me years, but it's nothing like having George in my life. My life is spent in solitude, even though I do get out almost every day, still, I come home to an empty house and if it wasn't for my dog and cat I'd be over the edge. You will make it and build a life for yourself, be patient with yourself, you're not far into this yet, it takes longer than this just to process their death and all that means to you.
  20. I got no warning either and didn't get to tell him any last final thing but we showed our love and our appreciation for each other each and every day we were together so what more could I have said even if I'd gotten another chance to do so. The only thing I would have like to have done was relieve his mind about me so that he could focus on his transitioning to his next life without worrying about me, but even so he probably still would have worried about me, we cared about each other so much, we were always each other's first concern.
  21. Ashley, I am sorry for your loss, how sad! You have found a grief family here and I hope you'll come here and read and post as often as you're needing it. It really does help to have a place to express yourself and know you're understood. I hope your friends and family are there for you as well.
  22. It never bothered me whether someone else was a married couple or single, a friend is a friend, regardless of marital status. What I never could have foreseen was that all of my friends would ditch me when he died. Fortunately, I've made new ones, but unfortunately, they've moved away now. It takes time to forge new relationships but it's not something we can afford to quit at, we have to keep working at it, we all need a social network, and I'm not talking about Facebook.
  23. Andy, you've said it all, I have nothing to add. I love the caring on this site, that people going through so much take the time to be there for others.
  24. You did what responsible pet owners do,neuter their animals. It keeps them home and keeps them from getting in so much trouble that way. Unfortunately, the vet didn't seems to listen to you when you told him about his problems. He probably couldn't take the anesthesia with his heart situation, and the vet said he heard a murmur yet proceeded anyway? If he was a human physician he'd be up against a hefty lawsuit right about now! I'm so sorry for your experience, and for your loss, this was not your fault. Poor little Muffy! You gave him the best life and loved him to the fullest, this really is not your fault. It's okay to talk to Muffy and tell him how you feel...when they pass from this life to the next sometimes their spirit lingers and it's believed that they can hear us, but they have an understanding and fuller comprehension than they would here, they're at peace and not suffering. You were not selfish at all, you loved Muffy with all your heart. I'm just so sorry this happened. As you say, he was happy with you and I'm sure he thanks you for giving him a good home. This was an accident and you could not have foreseen it. Guilt is a normal part of grief, it's as if we are thinking about all the "what ifs" in an effort to rewrite the ending. Guilt only serves a purpose if it calls attention to something that needs changing, but once we have learned something through it's calling our attention, we need to let go of it because after that it turns to shame and holds us down and keeps us from progressing as we need to. Guilt may have a purpose but it's short lived and then we must let it go. I wish you peace and comfort. I hope you will read these two articles: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  25. Sue, OMG, your story is both beautiful and heartbreaking! I am so sorry, I wish you could have had more time together. I do know this, you shared more in those short few months than many do in a lifetime together. It's not great consolation, I know. I only knew my husband 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, and now he's been gone nearly 12 years. Some of us don't get 50 years together. And nothing about life speaks of fairness, I realize that. Lauren, I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your feeling angry. My daughter is nearly 35 and her husband just left her...they fell in love 17 years ago and were married in 2009, but now he says he's "not feeling it". I feel I'm fortunate because my George never betrayed me, never stopped loving me, never gave up on me, and even though he's dead our love and memories continue. My daughter's have been destroyed by this late piece of knowledge. Everything she thought she knew is destroyed, including her ability to trust. It's a helluva position to be in, to feel fortunate my husband died not abandoned me, but the truth is we're both hurting and no one here wins.