KayC

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Everything posted by KayC

  1. Try not to rule it out, I know you can't see that right now. But there's a reason I called it "moments" because it seems fleeting, not like the "happy state" I felt in when George was alive...I haven't experienced that. Perhaps it's semantics calling it happy, but whether we use the term happy or joy or good, the point being, there are those good moments such as when my granddaughter was born, or enjoying my dog. Right now if I could give my daughter a hug I would definitely experience a happy moment, but I haven't gotten to talk to her since Christmas. I pray Spring comes for you soon and you see the pair of pigeons...and yes, I will pray for you, Francine.
  2. I think that is the point Claribassist13 was trying to make, sometimes someone needs some help to get through this, that it's preferable to exhibiting negative behavior, your grief counselor and doctor combined should be able to come to that determination. I wish they would work together and communicate to come to prognosis, but often they don't collaborate but work independently. You've started on the Prozac so it'll be important to use it with your doctor's care and not abruptly discontinue it, also it can take up to a month to take full effect, so give it time, although usually you'll notice some difference in less time than that.
  3. Tineke, I've learned you can't tell a person's insides by their outside. My husband had five completely blocked arteries, I don't know how he did what he did or lived as long as he did! He also appeared the picture of health, not an ounce overweight, big broad shoulders and chest, strong, 32" waist...when I picked up his ashes they commented on how lean he was. So why then were his arteries so clogged! I have watched my cholesterol for years so was careful what I fed him. I guess genes play heavily into this. We'd just went on a steep hike two weeks before. He had just taken charge of a move by our disabled friend, he'd done heavy lifting, etc, all the hard work he'd taken on himself. And he'd just had his 51st birthday that week. I don't think there is such a thing as closure when it comes to grief, but more like we adjust to what is. Two years isn't giving yourself a realistic period of time in my opinion, but we are all different. In the beginning thoughts of George brought immense pain, but over the years it evolved into comfort and a smile, so it does definitely evolve throughout our journey. Try not to put time constraints on yourself, it is what it is and we can't hurry ourselves through this.
  4. Chasisdope, I wonder that this isn't one of those things that gets worse before better...worse as shock wears off and reality sets in, and better as we begin to adjust and learn to cope. Not that it's ever really BETTER better, but more that we get more accustomed to it.
  5. Bobbers, You are so new in this, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and feel your outlook is nothing but despair...at this point that is all you can see. Try not to concern yourself with "the rest of your life" right now, just stay in today because that is enough to take on. I'm glad you have your son. No, he can't take the place of your husband, but he is incentive to keep going. I'm glad you have your own place, it helps to have a place we can be ourselves and deal with our grief our own way. It sounds like your mom isn't good support, you don't need the controlling or judgment, maybe try to protect yourself by the amount of time you spend with her. I had to do that with my own mom, if five minutes was all I could handle with her, knowing that, five minutes would be what she'd get, no more. A grief counselor would validate your need to be around those who are supportive and protect yourself from those who are not, and encourage you in self-care. If anyone does offer help, give them something tangible to do. In the beginning I couldn't get groceries, that was something George and I had always done together, so my daughter did that for me the first few months. Someone offered to weed-whack and I let them. If someone says, "If there's anything I can do, let me know" then tell them something they can do right then! They'll either do it or get gone, sometimes I didn't care which. This is a time to know who will be there and who won't. All of the feelings you are experiencing are normal for grief and valid. I'm sorry it's so tough.
  6. You are so right. Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve and it changes us, how we view things, how we respond. I've also found I'm stronger than I knew and I've learned a tremendous amount on this journey.
  7. ATALL25, I am so sorry, no matter how many such stories we hear, it always hits me afresh, that another life is gone, and another person is left dealing with the aftermath. The hardest thing in the world, and her only 30. I'm glad you found this site, we're all helping each other through this. It helps to let it out and know you're heard by those who understand. I hope you'll continue to come here and post.
  8. Whether we believe in fate or random happenings is something we decide makes the most sense to us, but isn't the point so much as what we do with what what is presented. Marcel, it sounds like you were blessed to be with a true angel, so fortunate to have known her and had her in your life! I hope her life had a ripple affect on all who knew her!
  9. Sharyn, I am impressed by you, you are fighting the fight that I should have, although mine is not as cut and dried as yours...in our situation, he'd been complaining to his doctor of heart symptoms for months and the doctor was dismissive and did not send him to a Cardiologist, even though it was in George's family history, which the doctor had before him on the left side of his file when he opened it, they had him fill out that paper when he first became his patient years before. Had the doctor addressed his complaints at that time, he would undoubtedly still be with me. The surgeon said (on his last day of life) had they gotten him before his heart was so severely damaged, they could have done surgery giving him another 20+ years! All I did was go in and talk to the doctor because around the time my husband died, another man had also, same exact situation. I didn't want anyone else to die like they did for lack of medical care. We had good insurance, it wasn't like it was coming out of the doctor's pockets! Perhaps I should have sued, but I did not have it in me, I felt at my limit just trying to get through the day. So I am rooting you on, and pulling for you, you are fighting the fight for all of us here, and more power to you! If you need anything else, the attorney will undoubtedly tell you. So proud of you, let us know how it goes!
  10. fzald, It will change. Memories brought me immense pain in the early months of my grief but eventually those memories have brought me comfort and a smile as I remember them. It changes...thank God.
  11. You felt and acted as if in a marriage, so by all means, use the term! What you had together can't be denied just because he physically died, you were that essential other to each other!
  12. You gave a beautiful response, wish they could read it.
  13. Stace, Yes we continue to feel pain on this journey, but not with the same intensity as the beginning. The grief continues but it EVOLVES. I miss my husband each and every day of my life, but I seldom cry anymore and seldom have that excruciating pain or grief bursts, although I admit it can hit at any time. I've learned to let the grief flow and to coexist with it. I also have happy moments and had I taken my life there is much I would have missed that I could not have foreseen back then, I'm glad I've let things play themselves out. I don't relish the growing old alone part but taking a day at a time should help even that. I am thankful for this forum and others like it where we can have others that understand and when one falls down the other can help them up. We need each other.
  14. They may have wanted us to be happy, but keep in mind, they had no clue what this would be like since they got to go first and didn't experience it. I know George would be the first to understand me and be supportive of where I'm at. He'd want to comfort me, be there for me, I can only imagine how it'd make him feel to not be able to, to watch me struggle. But I also know he'd have faith in me and be rooting me on, that helps me when I'm at my most down times. Although I do appreciate the good that is, I feel like a part of me is "waiting" too and death will come as a release. I don't think it's about right or wrong feelings, it just is what it is, we feel what we do. I've tried to be as positive as I could from the beginning but still it's been a tough pill... I know when things get too tough God wants us to let Him carry us...I wish I'd remember that sooner and more often.
  15. Coincidence? Maybe not. Maybe he IS trying to touch base with you!
  16. new133, I hope you have something occur that encourages you...
  17. Well I replied to YOUR quote as if it was hers then, sorry!
  18. It's possible you're right, Francine, but I've seen people get impatient with our level of progress or lack of it...it's why people tell us we need to move on, or they have just the right person for us, or all the other crazy things they say to us. They are impatient. Usually they're well intended but it's not helpful to us! They don't understand how hard it is to go through this grief, the length of time it takes just to process it, let alone adjust to it. They want to see some progress. At any rate, we both agree it's time for a talk with the friend, you can't deal with what you don't know.
  19. Mrsviden, I wouldn't judge anything by how often you cry OR by the signs you do or don't get. Perhaps they try to send signs that we miss, or perhaps they're unable to at all. That has no bearing on our love. The love we shared when he died has not changed just because his body gave out on him, one does not affect the other! Unless you both continually felt you were a bad wife when he was alive, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion now just because his body quit working! Try to continue in faith that he continues to love you and is as pleased with you as he always was. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/07/in-grief-when-tears-wont-come_14.html Some people NEVER cry. You do cry, just not all the time. I don't think anyone cries all the time. Try not to judge yourself by other people's ill-gotten opinions, esp. since they haven't been through it and they are not you!
  20. You're welcome!
  21. What a handsome couple and beautiful family! I'm struck by how happy you all look. It's so hard, how in the blink of an eye, everything can change when we least expect it. Like Herc said, not sure anyone can give you a manual, everyone's grief journey is as unique as they are. But we do share here, we learn, little by little, what helps, what doesn't, it's different for all of us. Keep coming here, I think the grief forums help more than anything. If you can get a good grief counselor, that can be a big help too, but not just any counselor, one specially trained in grief. I'm sorry for your loss, sorry for your reason for being here. But this is a lifeline for us, a real help.
  22. Tineke, I'm sorry for your loss. It IS hard, like a club we never wanted to be part of but for which we're thankful for. I'm sorry, but two years...we don't get "over" them. This is a long journey is which we learn a lot. And do a lot of adjusting. Grief work is exhausting but it can be done. Welcome to this site, I'm glad you finally "spoke up" so we could meet you. You're seeing a grief counselor, that is a start, so is coming here. Keep posting, we're here, we'll be listening.
  23. Ahh, I understand your not wanting to leave the place the two of you shared...but the truth is, he's with you no matter where you are. Your life being about funeral home, autopsy, him dead, that's hard. It will evolve into your figuring out how to do everyday life on your own, Lord knows none of us knew where to start with that one. But we do. I kind of felt like after his funeral, "now what?" It was go to work, come home, but I didn't know what to do once I got home. He wasn't there to share it with me. But little by little I began to realize he is still with me, just unable to talk to me, unable to physically hold me or do things with me. It's kind of like living with a ghost, but not like you see on t.v.
  24. Marcel, thank you for sharing that with us. I think a lot of the stuff we take for "coincidence" isn't. Coincidence is us not seeing things for what they really are...or not wanting to admit to the contrary. I'm curious what the movie was you were waiting to come out on DVD. And I'll be here waiting someday when you can talk about things...