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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

KayC

Members
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About KayC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Making cards, singing, hiking
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    06/19/2005

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Bookkeeper & Office Manager
  • First Name
    Kay
  • Zip
    97463
  1. My brother is a widower

    I am so sorry for all your brother is suffering. Everyone goes through this their own unique way and in their own time. This is one of the most inclusive articles I've read on helping another in their grief: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm I wish you well with it.
  2. Hugs

    I hope you've all had a chance to read the articles on coping with holidays, if there's even one suggestion that resonates, it's worth it. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f? I'm glad we have each other to help us through this. When I was taking care of my MIL the last three years of her life as she was dying of cancer, there were no computers, were no forums, I was truly out on a limb, all alone, as we went through it. Very hard! I am so thankful for this opportunity to share in this journey with all of you this time around.
  3. My sister, TooDevastated

    The thought still comes to me on occasion, but I realize it's not the wanting to die so much as wanting to escape what I'd have to go through if I lived...having to grow old alone. It's hard. I'm 65 already and my family lives well into their 90s. Back to the "taking one day at a time". That's pretty much how I get through this. Of course we'd like the easy way out, "a truck come flying through an intersection", but then I really don't want my family missing me all too soon either. Sigh...no easy solution!
  4. We just had some discussion about this on my other grief site. My post there seems appropriate here for this subject as well...
  5. Lost my soulmate and not sure how to go on.

    loraine518 God be with you today and all of the others here missing their pets that they love. I hope for all of us to find something good today that we can embrace and appreciate, even if only for just that moment. It is for the present moment that I live...until I can be with my beloved husband, pets, and parents, and so many more I've lost over the years...once again.
  6. My sister, TooDevastated

    My initial reaction was the same as yours Azipod. I had messaged her and I thought she finally read our messages and was back...I am so sorry to hear she died because she wasn't able to get past the initial intensity of grief and see it through to where it gets better enough to live life. She wasn't able to experience the "silver linings" that come later, finding inner strength, developing compassion, getting through the tough times, and now she's left her sorrow for her family to finish dealing with. Death does not remove our pain, it passes the baton to someone else to carry.
  7. My best friend died and I feel empty inside

    This article has many many links involving pet death that might be of help to you. You aren't a murderer, you love your Toby and wanted him happy and free of suffering. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html
  8. Lost my soulmate and not sure how to go on.

    I am so sorry for your loss, losing our soulmate dog can be one of the hardest losses we can experience. I like that you built a memorial garden, that's very nice. When we grieve it's important to give ourselves permission to smile. Grief is forever, but it evolves with time, it doesn't stay the same in our journey. We need breaks from it, we can't handle the constant moping and tears, it takes it's toll on us. I remember after my husband died running across an article on giving yourself permission to smile again. It impacted me. Always we remember them and many times with tears, but the smiles give us strength to continue our journey.
  9. I'm sorry they didn't let you know so you could include that in your decision making. It does sound like Charlie had a lot of love, I'm glad you're surrounded by people who care.
  10. Lost my new wife

    I am so sorry, it feels so wrong when it is someone so young, just starting your lives out. There are many here that are young and experiencing this, they will be along shortly. I will share this article I wrote in my 12 year journey, although it may be too soon for it to even resonate with you, perhaps you can save it and read it when you are more ready. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  11. My sister, TooDevastated

    Oh God, I am so sorry! I was afraid of this. She just couldn't see her way past this, it takes much time to process our grief, let alone see ourselves through this journey. I wish so much we could have made a difference to her, she was worth knowing. My heart goes out to you in your loss. I, too, will pray for your family. I wish for her only peace. I hope instead of using an absolute, you can change your terminology to "I will have a hard time forgiving myself". We can forgive ourselves. Guilt is a common grief response that most of us go through. It's hard because sometimes we don't see things until afterwards. Guilt is something that can point us to needed change but once we have realized and made that correction, we need to let go of guilt, for it's already done it's job...to continue giving audience to it would be to invite shame, which serves only to paralyze us so that we can't propel ourselves forward and that helps no one. Use this experience to learn from in case you encounter anyone in the future that is grieving. I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html This one I've found to be helpful for those wanting to be there for someone who is grieving: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm And though she didn't "commit suicide", it was a type of "passive suicide" due to loss of will to live and take care of herself, so I hope these may be of help as well: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html I don't know there is anything you could have done even if you had been close. As is often the case, it's very hard to get through to someone in this mindset. I lost a friend to suicide, it is a horrible feeling, especially to feel it was needless and to know they had so much to live for, they just couldn't see it. I'm sorry for the sadness you carry. I hope you will consider grief counseling, it's hard to find our way through this maze of grief on our own. God be with you on this journey.
  12. I think so too. Djh, it's good to hear from you again, been missing you.
  13. Lost bf

    I STILL try to live in the moment! Yes we have to make plans (like with family/holidays) but we stay in this day for the most part and not try to think about "the rest of our life", it's too much to handle!
  14. new widow

    It can take much time to find that silver lining. I have seen much in the twelve years since, but in the beginning, no, there was the overwhelming pain and fallout. I did,however, try to look for good in each day, which is different from silver lining, per se, but the attitude of looking for something positive is the same spirit of hopefulness that brings life to us.
  15. New to online grief support

    In the beginning it was not that way, she wanted to die and the pits is when you can't even commit suicide! She is completely helpless and dependent on others. It took time for her to process and accept her altered position in life. She grieved all that was. And now we are grieving, not our loss of freedom and independence, but we are grieving a relationship that was ripped from us and it affects every aspect of our lives. The correlation is very similar. We can still feed ourselves, dress ourselves, brush our own teeth, ask for help, but in many ways our lives are just as altered. I figure if she can be content in life, then I need to find the strength to do so also.
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