KayC

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About KayC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Making cards, singing, hiking
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    06/19/2005

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Bookkeeper & Office Manager
  • First Name
    Kay
  • Zip
    97463
  1. I hope you have a great time! I guess all that work you did is another reason I haven't camped since George died. I can't even lift a generator! He did all that stuff, I did the cooking. I'm glad you have someone to go with you.
  2. Kylie, My heart breaks for you. To come so close to being with him...it defies words. I am so sorry. That you both made so much effort to the relationship says a lot about it. We don't expect this, it's a huge shock. In the beginning I didn't want to live, I didn't see how I could go on without him, he was my life, my everything! But I'm glad I stuck it out. It's been 12 years now and I've worked very hard at my grief...it took me probably three years to process my grief, many years more to create some what of a life I could live, longer yet to find purpose. Now I'm working on making friends, it's slow go at my age, people already have their friends. But I keep pressing on, what else can we do. Your English is great, no worries there. You've found a good place to be, with people who get it, that understand. I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to read and post, we're all in this together.
  3. I think we have to shut the "what ifs" off ourselves, in the beginning they come, then one day we just realize it doesn't do any good to rehash what didn't happen and deal with what did, we have to accept that we loved to the fullest and tried our best and that has to be enough. They know how we feel, they love us still.
  4. Andy, Part of it may be your daughter's youth, but part of it is that she lost her mother, not a spouse, it's different. We expect to lose our parents, but we don't think we'll lose our spouse until we're old, this catches us way off guard. I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child. I felt gypped that my dad would not get to be a grandpa like he wanted. I felt gypped that my kids wouldn't get to know him. But it doesn't come close to losing my husband. It had been 12 years since I'd lived with my dad, he wasn't a part of my everyday existence like my husband was, I didn't count on him to meet my needs or share my innermost thoughts with. I realize your daughter is closer to you and younger, so it may hit her harder, it's impossible to compare losses anyway, but even so, it's not the same as YOUR loss. Your wife will continue to be proud of her. It was hard for me going to my son's wedding without George, going to his college graduations with George, being there in the hospital as his children were born without George, going to the open house he had when he bought his home, again, always, without George. But maybe, just maybe, George was able to get a glimpse of what was going on, maybe he was there, unseen by us all, sharing in his victories. I don't know how all that works...was he there when my daughter got married? And now that she's lost her baby and her husband left her, does he see that as well? The bible says there's no more tears in heaven...so if they can see what's going on, how can there be no more tears? Is it because they know what the final outcome will be, that things will work out? I don't know, but perhaps.
  5. I wouldn't want to move away from a strong support system. I DON'T have a strong support system and I wish I did! It's one of the most important things you can have. We do learn to adjust and cope with our loss eventually, but it's much easier done with support. My kids are grown and moved away, living their own lives, my one sister who lives here isn't able to be of support to me as she's disabled, doesn't drive more than a block or two. My mom has passed away. It's hard on your own.
  6. Marsha, It does take a while for it to sink in. These rude awakenings when it hits all over again are very rough...there will come a day when it will be in your subconscious and it will no longer hit you afresh. Nicole, You will never replace him, so l hope you can put that thought aside. I carry my George inside of me, grief becomes a part of us, a part that we learn to coexist with. I have a friend whose husband died, and she eventually remarried to someone else who had lost their wife. They both embrace both the old and the new, don't compare, don't expect the other person to be like the one they lost, but have learned to live in today and enjoy their time together. Worrying about losing him almost kept her from remarrying, she didn't feel she could go through that again, but she finally decided she didn't want that to stop her from living her life to the fullest and if she does have to go through it again (one of them will), that is the price for loving. I'm glad she made that choice, she almost didn't, but they are very happy together and both of them being widowed before helps them understand each other.
  7. I am so sorry you lost your cat. I lost my 19 year old cat to cancer 11 years ago and I still miss him. It's very hard making that decision, but it comes from the love and kindness of your heart to want to spare your cat the pain and suffering...yes, you did the right thing. I wish I could have had mine euthanized a month sooner, it would have spared him a lot of suffering, but he was misdiagnosed at the weekend vet I took him to. By the time my own vet diagnosed him, he'd suffered needlessly. I hope these articles will help. Guilt is a common part of grief, but that doesn't mean it's deserved. We do our best, we love our animals. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  8. nicoleashley94, I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone else has to go through this grieves us because we understand what that means. You are right, other people have relationships with him but they are different from yours, each of our grief is unique. We also handle our grief uniquely. You have found a good place to come to, a place where others "get it" and understand and care. It helps to express yourself, as you have in your blog and here. When my George died, I felt my power stripped from me, after all, no one had asked ME if I wanted this! The most important event to affect my life and I wasn't even consulted! I have found that expressing myself restores some of that power that was taken from me, it gives me a voice even if it doesn't change the ultimate outcome of his death.
  9. I'm glad you've made it through the funeral and that your work environment is so supportive, that is very helpful. My brain was in the "grief fog" and it was difficult to think and do my job (perfection was a requirement as everything was to mil-spec) so I asked my boss to check my work for a while, he was great about it, people at work were understanding and supportive so I was fortunate, like you, in that respect. Going home was hard. The break in our normal routine...he'd call me on his breaks and that was now noticeably absent. He used to show up at my office Friday evenings with a drippy ice cream cone, and I'd wonder what I was supposed to do with it while I was busy wrapping up the day, I'd send him to the post office with the mail so I could finish "closing". How I missed that when Friday nights rolled around! Going home to an empty house. Weekends were the hardest, that was "our time", I didn't know how to fill it, how to survive it. Now I'm retired and living alone...this isn't what I'd envisioned for my life. I miss him more than mere words could ever express. But I've learned to do this as best as I can, we all do, the "unthinkable". Getting there is hard. One day at a time, I still remind myself that.
  10. Very good points!
  11. Reading this made me think of this article: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html I wish I could have been there in his final moment but that option was ripped from me. One consolation is perhaps it allowed him to focus easier on his final transition.
  12. It hasn't sunk in to the deepest part of you yet that she is gone. I actually think this is a harder phase than when it does sink in because when these rude awakenings occur, they are horrible, like when you first find out. Little by little your brain processes it, the adjustment can't happen until it finally has processed, it takes a while. It's easier when we're with friends/family, it's a distraction and we also feel their supportiveness. Coming home to harsh reality is tough. It is good, though, to have a brief reprieve from the deep pits of grief.
  13. Kazar, I can imagine how you're feeling because I have gone through that, it's very hard not knowing where/how they are. I lost Autumn years ago, she was 14 and very arthritic, I think she went off to die. My other pets are buried on my property and I wish she could have too, but I think she's nearby somewhere, maybe even on my place (I have acreage). A year ago Miss Mocha disappeared, like Zak she had never left for more than a few minutes, but she was in great health so I think something got her. Not knowing makes it difficult to have closure and very difficult to adjust. My heart is with you, I know it's difficult, I hope Pushka pulls through and you find out something about Zak.
  14. It's recommended we not make major changes the first year or two, but there are times for exceptions. If you are having a really hard time where you are and strongly feel the need for change, as long as you've given it a good chance to adjust and still feel that urging, then perhaps a move might be of help to you. This is something I'd bring up to your grief counselor for points to consider. I don't think I'd decide finally until you've given yourself the chance to be inside the home and see how you do there...it might take a while to know.