KayC

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About KayC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Making cards, singing, hiking
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    06/19/2005

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Bookkeeper & Office Manager
  • First Name
    Kay
  • Zip
    97463
  1. I hope these two articles will be of help in understanding what he's going through, they can explain it better than I can put into words: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html It will be very important to not put any pressure on him or talk relationship talk. Even something as innocuous and saying "I miss you" can be construed by him as pressure while he's in this raw grief state. No cliches. Just be there for him, take your cues from him. Give him the time and space you need.
  2. cp, You've been through so much, you are drained, it's no wonder you feel sad and depressed, you're depleted emotionally! Praying for you! Just do today and tomorrow get up and do it all over again. One day at a time, it's more than a platitude, it's now our way of life. Praying for little Pearl...
  3. It's important to give yourself permission to smile, that's part of the process of grief we need to reach. It is not our mourning that binds us to them, it is our love, which continues. Others don't understand because it's not them and they haven't been through it. We do get it, we've been there, are there. I still talk to my husband, and it's been 12 years. Heaven help the person that tells me not to!
  4. Bittergreen, I understand, less pain would be a good place to start, wouldn't it. It has helped me to try and get out almost every day, I also take walks twice/daily with my dog. I don't know if you have any animals but that has helped me tremendously, as it has KMB. It gives us some purpose, a reason to go on, as well as it's de-stressing and someone to love/care for, talk to, touch, etc. Ups and downs in grief are common, it is like a roller coaster. It's common to feel anxiety, to struggle with loneliness. Grief is a process, it doesn't end, but it doesn't stay the same either. I've learned to go with the flow where grief is concerned, not fight it, not try to circumvent it, it's not possible to anyway. There's no way to drown it out, if there was, we'd all be drunk. There's only one way and that's straight through it. It is that which scared me in the beginning, I didn't see how I could do it, the pain was tremendous. Knowing I'm still here 12 years later and somehow making it through the day should attest to everyone that they can make it too because I really doubted it in the beginning. I've learned to embrace what good there is rather than focus merely on what I've lost. I'm fully aware of what I've lost, but it takes effort to look for the good in life...it's a process that's become a way of life for me and has taught me to appreciate every little bit of good in life. I wish for comfort and peace for you, I know how hard it is, and my heart goes out to you.
  5. Oh trust me, you're not going crazy! Pretty much everything we feel and experience is "normal" in grief! My favorite turn to cookbook is Better Homes and Gardens. I'd go with the ring-bound rather than plastic comb, it will look "well loved" in a few years. https://www.amazon.com/Better-Homes-Gardens-Cook-Book/dp/0470560770 You can buy one new or used. I've been using mine for 47 years, my daughter has the newer version and my older sister has one that is about 57 years old. Sasha, you are so right, it is very unfair!
  6. Sasha, I'm glad you've made your way to this site. I have a feelings you're going to find this an extended family, as we all have here.
  7. Alvin, I want to address these two comments, but first let me tell you how very sorry I am you lost your wife. I want you to know you are not responsible for her death, although you may not be ready to believe that, it's true nonetheless. You are responsible for her living as long as she did, for giving her will to live, for giving her a full and rich life for the time that she had. Because of each other, both of you had full and rich lives, as those of us here have experienced with the one we love. Guilt is common in grief, and I hope you will read these articles: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html Could you go home to your family? Living here without a job or means of support, illegally, has to be a very difficult position. You have experience caregiving, perhaps you could get a job as a live in caregiver. Seven cats might be difficult to find a place for but you never know unless you try. I'll pray for you and your situation. Right now you don't see reason to live. That's how I felt when my husband died. I want to tell you that to take your life would be to remove all hope. I know you can't see it right now, but your grief will not stay the same, it will evolve, the intensity will lessen, it's our body's amazing way of adapting, yes, even when we don't see how that's possible. I have learned to appreciate what IS rather than merely focus on what ISN'T, and to live in today. Get up, tell yourself you only have to do today, and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again. It's not good to try to take on the whole "rest of our life" which invites anxiety. You have made your way to a good and caring place with people who understand, and that helps a lot in validating our feelings and knowing that what we are going through is normal under the circumstances. My heartfelt prayers...
  8. Jcooper, Drink doesn't help because it's a depressant...not what we need when grieving, but I can sure understand the turning to it. Take a day at a time, it is too hard to take on more than that. We all remember what grief felt like in the early days/months, it's hard. I honestly didn't see how I could live without my husband, but somehow I have. Grief's intensity lessens and it evolves over time, it doesn't stay the same, I wish someone would have told me that in the beginning, it might have encouraged me some.
  9. Jcooper9, I'm sorry it was so hard. I know all too well what that feels like. Keep coming here, reading, posting, I find it helps to know there's a place where people get it.
  10. Francine, I don't see you as selfish at all. You're human, like all of us, of course we want to be with them, how could we not! But you are one of the more selfless people, you always give of yourself to others and point people the way. Be easy on yourself. (((hugs))) Eagle, I like that quote...it's true, we never know what someone else is going through.
  11. Alone4ever, I am sorry for your loss...I remember feeling and thinking much the same things when I went through it 12 years ago. We were 51 and 52 and had only been in each others lives 6 1/2 years...it's as if our whole life was in preparation for meeting one another, we were an amazing connection, soul mates. I wondered, how could I do another 40 years without him?! I was scared, anxious. I didn't know how I'd make it financially, let alone in the important ways. These are the things I have learned since: I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. Some things I've learned on my journey: Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  12. Acceptance does not equal like. It just means we realize they died. I had a hard time with that word when I was new in grief, I thought it meant I had to agree with it, like I lent my support to it. No, I cried out! In time I realized what the authors were talking about. After a while, reality does set in, you do realize when the phone rings they won't be on the other end, when you hear the door open, it's not them coming in. In a way it was easier when I reached this point because when you expect them to come in and then it hits you all over again that they won't, it's like experiencing that loss all over again. I was relieved when those kinds of triggers quit coming.
  13. I guess I don't understand the correlation here. Lulu, "A Grief Observed" is one of my favorites, C S Lewis is amazingly authentic and is easy to relate to his feelings. There have been some grief books that have not resonated with me, especially one that started out with, "I took my wedding ring off." !!! (That one is not on the list.) The other is K├╝bler-Ross book The Five Stages of Grief...they have learned much since this book came out, that there can be more or there can be less stages and not everyone goes through them all or in the same order. It's not as predictable as all that.
  14. 12 years next month, but I want to point out that it doesn't stay the same, it evolves. Thank God! If it stayed in the same intensity, we couldn't handle it. But getting used to life without our husband here with us is something ongoing, especially as we face the challenges of entering old age alone.
  15. Thanks for the idea! I think I do have some extra screen, I'll check into that!