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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

KayC

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About KayC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Making cards, singing, hiking
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    06/19/2005

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Bookkeeper & Office Manager
  • First Name
    Kay
  • Zip
    97463
  1. Don't know what to say

    Djh, It's hard when there are reminders everywhere, this will be the case for a very long time. Her absence will always be felt, with or without those reminders. Especially such a person as her. It's so damned hard, I'm so sorry.
  2. My sweet Teddy Bear passed away

    tandbug, I'm so sorry your fiance is gone so way too soon and unexpectedly and you and your daughter are left missing him. It's the hardest thing in the world, but it does help to be in a forum such as this and know you're not alone in it, that there are others that "get it". It does feel like a nightmare that you want to wake up from, an alternate reality. Like M88, I hope you have supportiveness around you. Living one day at a time, breaking it down to one hour or one minute, was the best advice I ever got. I've been on this journey 12 years and wrote this article from what I've learned during that journey, so want to share it with you as when my husband died I had no idea how to do this. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  3. Lost my world last Friday

    lovingstill, You have been through a lot in the last month, I'm so sorry for your loss and all your unanswered questions. My kids are 35 and 33, I can't imagine them going through this so young and unexpectedly. I also realize that no matter how old you are or how long you were married, or even if a person made it to the altar, we all are hit with this same devastating loss and feel the pain and loss intensely, there's no easy way about this. I'm sure you're feeling overwhelmed, grief can feel paralyzing, but life demands that we do certain things and somehow we get through them even though we want to stay under the covers and go back to sleep. For myself, sleeplessness was another fallout of grief that didn't allow that option. I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to read and post and know your feelings are normal. I'm glad you have your family and hope that is a place of love and support for you.
  4. Hugs

    And to you too. And M88, I feel your pain. It takes time to figure out how to "live in the day", you'll get there.
  5. Autocharge, Things change in time regardless of what direction life takes us. Years ago I never would have imagined that my kids' dad and I would have divorced after 23 years of marriage, or that I'd meet and marry my soulmate and best friend, or that I'd lose him just a few years later to a heart attack, his physique was perfect, you can't see what's going on inside a body. I'd never imagine that my kids would marry and quit coming to my house for holiday meals, as soon as my son married, him and my DIL started hosting ALL the family meals, even though I can't drive at night and live in snow country so I miss half of them. I miss the old days but they are gone. For years it was me hosting everyone...
  6. Holidays ..... sigh

    Urbaneve, Wow. That's a lot to take in. Your MIL has not considered you or your son for one moment, why would you continue to let her have her way? It seems she is used to throwing hissies and getting her way. Time to let your husband be cremated and scatter the ashes according to his wishes, with or without her. Unbelievable! I hope you will talk to the bank about your situation, usually they're willing to work with you a bit when you've encountered circumstances beyond your control. They aren't in the real estate business, they'd rather not have to go through all that effort. Is there some way you can increase your hours now or get a full time job to increase your income? You say you can't be angry with your husband now. Yes, you can. A lot of us have had to deal with things we found out "afterwards" that we didn't like or understand. It's okay to feel and experience anger, it doesn't wipe out the love, it sometimes takes a process to accept the whole of the person, bad lumps and all. Feeling it, processing it, it's all part of the grief process. If he was alive you would have plenty to say to him about it, it's okay to go ahead and tell him how you are feeling now. Write a note, or talk out loud. Then you can move on to the forgiving part and let it go as one of those things you don't understand but can move past anyway. I am very, very sorry for your loss and all you are going through! I am glad you found this place, and glad M88 is the first one to find your post and respond to it. I hope you'll hire an attorney that will go after the man that killed your husband and the company that hired him, and the police that didn't drug test him! No excuse for any of this to have happened and they all had a part in it. The attorney will likely get half of whatever he goes after but what's left is better than nothing, and your son deserves to have whatever you can get so you can support him and not lose your home. I hope you'll keep coming here. It helps to know you're heard and understood and all your feelings are normal and you're not alone in what you're going through. We're here, we're listening.
  7. Lost my soulmate and not sure how to go on.

    It was a long drive up there and back yesterday, a lot of people, but it was good to have time with my daughter and she did half the driving, and of course seeing my grandbabies is always a highlight. My DIL fixed a wonderful meal, so it was a good day, but it's always good to come home too, home is where we are in our sanctuary, comfortable. Loraine, it will be hard to do these things without Harvey-moon there. Oh how I know!
  8. My brother is a widower

    I am so sorry for all your brother is suffering. Everyone goes through this their own unique way and in their own time. This is one of the most inclusive articles I've read on helping another in their grief: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm I wish you well with it.
  9. Hugs

    I hope you've all had a chance to read the articles on coping with holidays, if there's even one suggestion that resonates, it's worth it. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f? I'm glad we have each other to help us through this. When I was taking care of my MIL the last three years of her life as she was dying of cancer, there were no computers, were no forums, I was truly out on a limb, all alone, as we went through it. Very hard! I am so thankful for this opportunity to share in this journey with all of you this time around.
  10. My sister, TooDevastated

    The thought still comes to me on occasion, but I realize it's not the wanting to die so much as wanting to escape what I'd have to go through if I lived...having to grow old alone. It's hard. I'm 65 already and my family lives well into their 90s. Back to the "taking one day at a time". That's pretty much how I get through this. Of course we'd like the easy way out, "a truck come flying through an intersection", but then I really don't want my family missing me all too soon either. Sigh...no easy solution!
  11. We just had some discussion about this on my other grief site. My post there seems appropriate here for this subject as well...
  12. Lost my soulmate and not sure how to go on.

    loraine518 God be with you today and all of the others here missing their pets that they love. I hope for all of us to find something good today that we can embrace and appreciate, even if only for just that moment. It is for the present moment that I live...until I can be with my beloved husband, pets, and parents, and so many more I've lost over the years...once again.
  13. My sister, TooDevastated

    My initial reaction was the same as yours Azipod. I had messaged her and I thought she finally read our messages and was back...I am so sorry to hear she died because she wasn't able to get past the initial intensity of grief and see it through to where it gets better enough to live life. She wasn't able to experience the "silver linings" that come later, finding inner strength, developing compassion, getting through the tough times, and now she's left her sorrow for her family to finish dealing with. Death does not remove our pain, it passes the baton to someone else to carry.
  14. My best friend died and I feel empty inside

    This article has many many links involving pet death that might be of help to you. You aren't a murderer, you love your Toby and wanted him happy and free of suffering. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html
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