KayC

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About KayC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Making cards, singing, hiking
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    06/19/2005

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Bookkeeper & Office Manager
  • First Name
    Kay
  • Zip
    97463
  1. Keep in mind that when you lose someone to death it's not like losing them to breakup or divorce. He didn't choose to be parted from her and his love for her will always be there. Try to accept that love and realize it isn't anything to compete with or resent, if anything it enriches him. There is always risk with loving someone. He is vulnerable right now so you want to take care to protect him from moving too fast with you, the important thing is he doesn't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, that is afraid of being alone or wanting to escape grieving. He needs to grieve. He needs to feel the pain and allow himself to experience it and cry. He needs to feel the loss and not just replace it with something else, because, trust me, grief has a way of rearing it's ugly head even years down the line if it has not been dealt with. It takes much time to process grief. What I had about three years out was what I seemed to be left with, in other words, it took me that three years to process my grief, but it's different for everyone. But grief has no end, you go on missing that person the rest of your life. Still, grief is not something to fear, I've learned it does not stay the same, it evolves throughout our journey, and the intensity in the beginning lessens its grip eventually. It's good to encourage him to talk about her, to let him tell you about her. It will comfort him to have a place where he can talk about her and feel accepted doing so. So many in our society are so uncomfortable with grief, they want to shut it down, they tell the person to move on, they look incredulous that the person is "still grieving" as if there is a point when they're over it! Not so! He will need to find his own way. Decisions about clothes, whether to stay in the same house, etc. are all decisions only he can make and that only when he is ready. It can take years. I rather imagine you didn't know what you were getting into when you started falling for him, but it can be a long haul. It'd be good to keep this at friendship level for quite some time to keep either of you from further hurt. If you can't do that, then at least take it slow...
  2. KMB, I'm glad you had your dog checked and he's going to be okay. My dog is 1/2 Husky and 1/2 Golden Retriever and the Golden Retriever side of him has given him cysts. Some he's had for years. They can be removed but the only "cone" his size was an inflatable one that he reached right around with no problem, so I hate to have surgery on him not knowing how I'll keep him from licking/biting at the wound and tearing it open. So he's lived with his growths, so far none of them have caused him any real problems, just annoyances more than anything. I understand how you feel about your dog because it's how I feel about mine. All of the pets I had when George was alive are long gone, but I've gotten others and it's what keeps me going, quite honestly. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. Chassisdope, I love how you are carrying out your husband's dream! My husband always wanted to restore a Cuda...I'd planned on getting him one when he retired so he could work on it, only he died way too young and that never happened. I am not mechanical and the way it's turned out, I'm too poor to buy something I don't absolutely need. Stonsie, Perhaps you are hung up on a preconceived notion of what it might "feel" like to feel him with you. Try letting go of that and believing him to be with you. That is what made a difference for me. Like when he was away on a trip, did you doubt his love for you because he wasn't there with you and you couldn't feel him? No, you had faith in your love and that it continued...hang on to that faith now.
  3. That's a beautiful poem. Only l don't think of love as something that dies, to me it's the one part that survives death.
  4. Funny, I just put that on Facebook this week (I post a verse a day).
  5. That's a girl!
  6. Believe me, we understand. Our incentive has been lost, our joy, our purpose. Anything that interested us before, job, hobbies, pales in comparison to the greatest loss of all time. Nothing seems to interest us anymore. Our grief work is the hardest thing we'll ever do. I remember when I first heard that I felt angry that I have to do grief work when I didn't even what to be going through this at all! After all, I was happy married to him, I didn't want to lose him! It all seemed so unfair. Let those who chose divorce have to work at it, I didn't I chose to stay married forever to him! But alas the truth is, we do have grief work, like it or not, if we want to make it through this in any way we can live with. We don't have a choice. And the truth is, it IS UNFAIR! But fairness never entered it. It is neither here nor there. Some are born rich, some into poverty. Some have gifted brains, some none at all. Some musical talent, some are tone deaf. Some have wonderful parents, others are born into dysfunction. Some can have children and don't know what to do with them. Others would be wonderful parents but can't conceive. Life is not fair! Neither does death enter into fairness by our way of viewing it. It strikes who it strikes. Some die young in spite of taking care of themselves. Others eat bacon and eggs, smoke a pack of cigarettes every day, never exercise, and live to be 100. It isn't fair. We have to come to the point where we realize that fairness doesn't enter in. Our feelings of unfairness are legitimate. When we get no answers long enough we let go of that argument, it does no good. But in the meanwhile, it's okay to feel what you feel and vent...I for one am here to hear you. And I care.
  7. I don't think acceptance is something we strive for, but rather it's something that occurs like an undercurrent in it's own way, in it's own time. It's not something we have to "do". Little by little reality seeps in of its own accord. You say But the relationship the two of you had together was yours...and his. No one can take that away. Don't compare your relationship to others, it was complete in and of itself, it is what you knew and at the time that was enough, so it is now too. I doubt you will live to 105, this made me smile because I know all too well what you meant...the truth is, our being reunited isn't soon enough for any of us! We are impatient, unwilling to wait day by day for what will surely come. We are in an "instant" world where we push a button and something happens NOW! We aren't creatures trained to wait for a promise of what's to come. But perhaps this instant gratification world has done us a disservice...I think people used to be more accustomed to waiting and living by faith. It's something we must develop and work on within ourselves. You don't have to "let go", you instead learn to incorporate grief into your life, it becomes a part of you, just as your everyday existence is part of you. We are multifaceted and we have just become even more faceted. He only slips away if you let him slip away. I keep George in my memories, he is on my mind continually, ever important. It's been 11 1/2 years for me and yet I still remember his smell, or how I felt when he held me. It was heaven! I have not experienced that since his death, and yet I remember like it was yesterday. He is not slipping away from me. Every day that passes I am one day closer to being with him forever. Remember to take one day at a time and not take on the whole "rest of your life", it's too much right now. Believe me when I tell you that one day slips into another, and another, until years have passed. You are young, but I am 64 and I can assure you, life passes by so quickly, it's amazing. Ask anyone whose kids are grown and gone! Yesterday they were born, then you ran them around to sports activities and helped them with their math, you went through their teen years and dating, launched them into adulthood...they got married, had kids of their own, where did it all go? How can it be? So it will continue with the rest of our lives, like we're on a merry-go-round, life going by faster and faster. Our hair turns grey, we spot wrinkles, our eyesight and hearing diminish, we wonder where the young lithe body went that we used to have...oh believe me, life passes, faster than you think! And we're still us inside.
  8. People used to stare at us because our love was so great everyone could see it, we looked at each other like no one else existed! Your picture portrays a beautiful couple...never in a million years could you have foreseen this. None of us could. We feel all alone in the world because we alone are grieving our partner like no other. We were wrapped in a cocoon of love...and now left facing everything alone. We are not unique to this in that there are many others also facing everything alone now but it's hard to realize when in our world everyone else seems to be going on as normal. Nothing seems normal to us anymore. In time we adjust to even this, in time we no longer look for them when the door opens, in time we no longer expect to hear their voice on the other end of the phone. In time we learn to take care of the things they used to. In time we get used to living alone, making decisions on our own, being responsible for ourselves. In time we find some purpose, we even find a little joy in life. But the sadness never quite leaves us, because we continue to miss them...
  9. My daughter stayed with me for a while after his death. One day I opened my budget in my Excel spreadsheet, and deleted his income in the months going across the page...as I did so, red totals appeared across the page. She was looking over my shoulder and saw it. She said, "Don't worry, mom, God's always taken care of me and He will you too." I feel a lump in my throat as I recall her precious faith, that I had instilled over the years, coming back TO me! I remembered those words and they carried me...through loss of jobs, through hard times, and now facing old age alone...it's God's job to take care of me, my job to do what I know He wants me to do to the best of my ability.
  10. Stonsie, The big old empty bed served as a reminder of my loss, the years we spooned together, our intimate sharing, talking over our day together...all that we had, now gone. I have found it easier to sleep in my recliner since he has been gone, my dog and cat in the same room with me, it seems less alone that way. I do hope you find a way through this as we need our sleep to function.
  11. I am so sorry you lost your little kitten. We grieve not only for their life but because we know how unique they are and that there will never be another just like them, as you've described and attested. The dogs may not have intended foul play, but in their sport it ended in her demise. I'm sorry it happened. This is one of my favorite articles I have fun across with regards to pet loss, and I hope it will shed some light and bring some comfort to you: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
  12. I am sorry you lost Starbucks and even sorrier for the way he had to go and the suffering he did. You see, I had a cat, King George, that also had cancer. By the time I got his correct diagnosis, it was way too late. The animal hospital that originally treated him had led me to believe it was a sinus infection and with medication he'd get better. More and more medication did not help, he kept losing weight and was truly miserable. When I took him to my other vet I found out he had cancer, I'll spare you the details. I had him put to sleep. I've never heard of that costing $900! I'm sorry the vets bled you dry and he suffered meanwhile. Poor little kitty. You gave him every fighting chance, and have nothing to feel guilty about. He knew you all loved him, you gave him the best you could. It's common to feel guilt when we lose them, but that doesn't mean it's justified, it just means it's one more thing we have to work through with losing them. http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
  13. I'm sorry, Tommy. You didn't do this, it was an accident. The truth is we couldn't protect them from everything and we aren't responsible for losing them. It's normal for us to feel like it though, but that's something we have to work through though. Counseling isn't a quick fix, it takes toughing it out and working at your grief. It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done. If you truly feel you're getting nowhere with your counselor and you've given it three sessions, then try another one. Bring up to your counselor that you don't feel it's helping and tell him/her what you'd hoped to get out of it.
  14. Stonesie, I'm so sorry, words just don't touch it. Your whole world has just crumbled and you're gasping for air! It will be easier on down the road as you begin to process your grief and adjust to living alone, but this will be the hardest thing you've ever been called upon to do. Try not to think about the rest of your life and just get through today. Repeat that to yourself. To take on more than today is to invite anxiety and feel overwhelmed. One day at a time...one hour at a time, one moment at a time, if that's the most you can handle. Later on you will find moments of happiness, but it may be a long while before you get there. Try not to worry about it, it will come. Please make an appointment to see a professional grief counselor. Not just any counselor, but one especially licensed and trained in GRIEF. The others are not trained in grief. It might take a couple counselors before you get the one that resonates with you, but don't give up on it. A good grief counselor can help you through this maze of grief, help you know where to start in order to look up. And keep coming here. It's important to have that safe place you can come to where people get it and understand, that place you can express yourself and know you are heard.
  15. Francine, Be careful paying the hospital...first find out the laws in your state. I don't know if you have an estate attorney or not but I would have been money ahead had I gotten one. I literally had no money when George died and the bills we paid with both incomes now just had mine...and then I lost my job. The hospital got aggressive with me, charging high interest and calling demanding payment. I remortgaged my home to pay off the hospital, doctors, ambulance. A few years later my friend lost her husband and the hospital called her and she told them good luck getting it out of him! I found out that in my state we aren't responsible for their bills unless we signed for them. I remortgaged my house for nothing. They can and do write such bills off. Another widower friend of mine that has ample income did not pay the hospital bills for his wife either. They wrote it off.