seachelle

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Everything posted by seachelle

  1. Hi there, so sorry for your loss Jake. I think the first time someone experiences a serious loss is often very traumatic as that person hasn't had the chance to develop coping skills. The good news is that you have the rest of your family lean on, though they are probably grieving too. 3 to 4 weeks is still very fresh, I think what you are feeling is normal, that doesn't make it pleasant. If you can try to talk to your family about how your are feeling. Alternatively, you could ask your parents about grief counseling. I wish I had some words of wisdom that could make the pain go away, but I think it is part of the experience that can't be avoided, and maybe in some ways, shouldn't be avoided. We are here for you in the meantime.
  2. Hi there, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been on quite the grief journey in the last several years coping with your mom's illness as well. I wish had some words of wisdom for you. As I was telling another poster, this phase of fresh grief has to be dealt with. I don't think there is a beneficial shortcut. I know you say your family seems to be moving on, have you asked them how they are feeling. Often people grieve in private so as not seem weak, or because it helps them function to put on a happy face.
  3. Hi Samantha, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say that would lessen your pain, but as you are in the beginning of the grief experience, there isn't anything I can say, aside from that I am here for you and we are here for you! I think this fresh grief is something that has to be gotten through. There is not shortcut. I would recommend talk therapy if you think it would help you vent and process your feelings. Otherwise we are here!
  4. Hi there, I want to start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that you are experiencing these troubling emotional and physical symptoms. It was smart you go to the doctor and great that they haven't found anything wrong...except that there is something wrong. You are in grief. I'm sure your family appreciate your strength in making arrangements for the funeral etc. People who are grieving often have difficulty with that. Unfortunately, you didn't get a chance to grieve at the time. It is possible that the physical symptoms you are experiencing are tied to the grief. Depressive and anxious mental states, and prolonged stress, have been shown to generate bodily pain and symptoms, often in people who aren't coping with the emotions of sadness and anxiety that are a normal part of grief. I would encourage you to go back to your doctor and be frank about what you are going through. You seem to believe that the pain symptoms and anxiety are tied to the experience of loss, I would describe that to the doctor. They may have access to other therapy resources. I would highly recomend trying a new therapist. It's like medication, one therapist does not fit all and you may just need to find someone that you have an appropriate rapport with. And, while I don't advocate for medication, it has helped me and many others in the short term, while we develop the coping skills to live without it.
  5. Hi Daniel, that is so much for such a young person to deal with. I hope you are able to find some solace on this site and work toward forgiving yourself. Guilt is a part of grief. I've never heard anyone on this site talk about their grief without mentioning some sort of guilt. There is likely nothing you could have done at such a young age, and with such an ailing parent to improve the situation. It sounds like you gave him the best support you could under the circumstances and I'm sure he recognized that.
  6. Doreah, I'm too exhausted to write a lengthy response but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and at such a young age. It may not help to know it, but getting over a loss as serious at this one will take time. Go easy on yourself and don't expect yourself to do much or not experience these hard feelings. At the same time, take care of yourself, see counselor if that would help, or join an in person support group, many churches have them and hospitals too. Allow yourself time to grieve, but don't shut yourself off from your life and the rest of your goals. Your mom would surely be devastated to see you do that.
  7. Please give us an update so that we know you are ok! If you chose not to use the crisis resources, I would urge you to seek 1:1 counseling. Many colleges offer low cost services by therapists in training.
  8. N/a

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I think being as young as you are makes it all the more harder to deal with. I probably sound like a broken record to others who've read my posts, bit I want you to know that guilt is a part of grief. Everyone here feels guilt. It doesn't mean there was anything you could have done. I'm sure your father knew you had important things to take care of and so did he. Were the case reversed, I'm sure he'd feel the same guilt you do. Our culture is remarkably bad at allowing people to maintain family ties.
  9. Hello, you are very young to be dealing with the death of a parent. Sadly, there is a community here of young people, some even younger than you. It is very hard to feel like there's not one to talk to. It almost makes you feel abnormal because often when you try to talk to friends they shun the topic. It scares them and they don't want to think it could happen to them. They also are so naive about the subject they have no idea what to say to help. If you can't talk to your dad do you have other close family you could connect with and share memories about your mom. Did she have siblings she was close to? If not, it might be beneficial to find a counselor. I know we'd all prefer to deal with these issues in the confines of our family and friends but if they aren't emotionally available for it, a counselor can help! Many universities offer low cost counseling services, even to non students provided by counseling students. Just a thought. Best wishes.
  10. Hey all, after doing pretty good the past couple of weeks I'm having a rough night again when I think about how far my mom has progressed in her dementia over the last few months. I can tell she is trying to compensate which makes me feel bad for her. I can only imagine how scary it must be to be able to tell that you are losing your short term memory. I'm also being overworked as I adjust to a promotion at work and I feel more and more that our culture just doesn't allow people to feel anything but desire for money and success, not time to reinforce family bonds, not time to be sad, just work and keep being productive. It's a sad state of affairs. I don't know if anyone can relate, but it helps to voice these thoughts that I am usually prohibited from speaking or giving any indication that I'm feeling.
  11. Hi there and so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of the most devastating experiences of life, especially when it happen suddenly. Even though you had a few days it must still feel sudden. Please know that guilt is a part of grieving. I don't completely understand where it comes from, but it probably comes in part to our modern ability to solve critical health problems better than in the past. We feel there's something we should be able to do, or should have done. Unfortunately, that is often just not the case. It doesn't stop people form blaming themselves though. Unfortunately is sounds like your dad may have suspected something was wrong, and on some level made a choice not pursue it. Couple that with random chance of getting a serious illness. There is nothing you could have done, and your father is not to blame either. Reading through some of the other posts may help you put your guilt in perspective. It's such a common, and spoken of feeling on these boards and no one really deserves to feel that guilt.
  12. This is a great description, I've had anxiety and depression off and on for much of my life due to family trauma. I often describe it to myself and friends as waves that I have to ride, followed by periods of calm.
  13. Hi Caitlyn, it might be tough to find a group with people your age who can relate. I wonder if it would be more beneficial for you to talk to your parents about getting some one to one therapy. I've gone to therapy for various issues when I had no one to talk to, or didn't want to talk to those available, and it really helped me. Just a thought.
  14. There's nothing you did. You can't fix broken people. Who knows why they are the way they are and why they treated you the way they did. I'm sure their own life traumas etc. that led them to be who they are. The best you can do is see them for who they are and avoid others like them when you can. Also, do your best not to turn into them.
  15. Oh my, Xerxes, that is an ordeal. People actually do owe you something, I know the way you grew up may make it hard for you to accept that you deserve honesty and respect from people who claim they want to be in your life. Unfortunately, she told you how honest she was, and how much she respected you when she ghosted you with apparently no intention of contacting you again. I know this dynamic because as a child of an absentee/abusive father, I struggled with the same dilemmas. I was so fearful of being alone, or failing at relationships (as failing at relationships was the model I grew up with) that I accepted people's B.S. even when it was blatantly obvious that they didn't care about me. Actions speak, and when someone's actions tell you that you don't matter much, believe them. I was 28 when that relationship ended. I spent the next year or so taking inventory on what I will and won't accept in a relationship. This wasn't superficial stuff like must be 6'0 or whatever. It was basic stuff though, I won't accept someone who lies about their level of commitment, I won't accept someone who doesn't make me a priority in their life, I won't accept someone who can't disagree without yelling/cursing/calling names, I won't accept someone who is demeaning toward my interests etc. When I started dating, if someone met the deal breaker criterion I cut them loose, I also communicated with them early on about what I would and wouldn't accept. It was a lot of work but I found a great, supportive partner who is honest with me and does respect me. Finding a quality mate takes a lot of time but can be done.
  16. Hi there, this is so hard. I totally understand your frustration with people's comments. People who haven't been through it want to help but don't know what to say so they try to distract you by telling you that 'you can do it' if you just focus. Grief isn't like that though, not when it involves immediate or close loved ones. Grief is like a mental illness, except that it's completely brought on by the environment (our loss of someone important). No one treats it like that though. Some people who want to help are also scared. On some level they know that it's overwhelming but they want to believe that it can be overcome with focus and will power. They want to think this because they know that one day they too will be knocked over by grief. We all will. The only way to avoid it is to care about no one. That is a sad life. With regard to your guilt...please know that guilt is a facet of grief. It's extremely common, if not the norm, for grieving people to feel some type of guilt. We are used to being able to make things better for our loved ones and when we can't we tend to turn inward. There's likely nothing you could have done to prevent your mom from doing chemo if that's what she had her mind set on. And as far as being at work, it's not your fault, it's our culture that makes us choose between our own survival and our families when they need us. I too an 34 and I've already lost one parent. The other is elderly with dementia. There are quite a few young adults and a surprising number of teenagers on this site. it seems that youth is no guarantee against loss. We are here for you when you need to vent though.
  17. It is a myth and a crime that adults are raised and pressured to feel that grief is abnormal. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and unprepared at the sudden loss of a loved one, especially one who you looked up to so much. Please know that your feelings are normal. I hope you have some sort of support network to help you through this, if not I'd look into in person support groups. It's so hard to not be able to say goodbye to such a close loved one. So sorry for your loss!
  18. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have these conversations with your child while you are still grieving. I don't have any advice from an experience standpoint but it might be helpful to look online or at the bookstore for books on helping children grieve and go from there.
  19. I think it's ok to honor your daughter on those special holidays as long as you explain it to your other child in language she can understand. You could say something like, "your sister can't be with us for this special holiday but we love her anyway and want to spend part of this day remembering her."
  20. I wish I had more advice or tips or magic to make this go away for you. It's always surprising how young some of the members on this site are. You are doing the right things by communicating with your family and therapist. I think the best thing one can do in these times is stay active, but give yourself a break. What I mean by that is, don't stop doing things you enjoy, but allow yourself to have down days without beating yourself up. It will take time to heal from this loss but you have your life ahead of you and your parent's would want you to enjoy it. While you are having down days we are here for you! Lately, there have been a lot of teens and very young adults active on this site, so if you look around you may be able to find some people to communicate with who can relate to this less common situation.
  21. Hello, it sounds like you had a difficult relationship with your father to say the least. Complicated relationships can make grief harder by concentrating emotions like guilt and anger, particularly if the lost one was abusive. It certainly sounds like your father engaged in some neglectful behavior toward you. It's not wonder you are having trouble coping. Have you considered seeking in person support groups or 1:1 counseling?
  22. Hi Mary, i don't know if you will ever check this site but if you do I wanted you to see a reply. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing well. Please post again if need be and I will respond.
  23. Hello, you are so young to be going through this, and yes, having an absentee parent can be just as devastating as losing a parent in the traditional sense. I hope you have a support network. Is anyone helping you with daily survival? Are there other adults you can trust?
  24. Grief is one of those feelings that can linger and turn into a major depression. It's hard to think about someone being in grief, without acknowledging that they are likely also depressed. It does sound like you have quite a few life stressors going on right now though, in addition to dealing with the loss. It's great that you have a support network, and sadly typical that they can't support you as much as you need. In these instances, if you are doing everything else you can to try and cope (spending time with friends and other loved ones, staying busy etc.) and still aren't getting any relief or if it seems to be getting worse I typically recommend grief counseling and/or medication if you think you may be depressed. I am not an advocate for medication, but I am an advocate for taking care of one's self, even if that means scrapping pride and taking a medication. But aside from that, as I know many people are still opposed to it unless absolutely necessary, I'd look into grief counseling or an in person support group to help you through this tough time. In the meantime, we are here for you!
  25. Hello, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are very busy with your own children and may not have the time to grief. The emotions can linger for some time, but not being able to talk to someone and let out your own grief must make it even worse as time goes by. Even though you weren't his parent, aunts and uncles often have sort of a surrogate parenting role. It's devastating to lose such a young, precious member of the family. I don't know what your logistics are like, but I'd encourage you to seek grief counseling if you are unable to vent and grief in front of your family who are also journeying through grief.