I don't really know how to start this but here goes, on the 5th of May this year after not hearing off my father that day and he didn't respond to any calls or texts, me (24) and my brother (19) went to check on him around 7pm, when we arrived we found my dad had passed away (56). I tried everything in my power to ressusatate him but I knew it was too late but continued until the paramedics arrived.
when the paramedics arrived minutes after, they made no attempt of resuscitation and made contact with the police. It took from 7pm to 1:40am for my dad to be taken by private ambulance to the coroners office. Which was so difficult as the layout of my dads home meant we could see him the entire duration, which was really distressing.
My dad was with the coroners for 3 weeks before they finally released him to the funeral home so we could visit him in the chapel of rest. When we went to visit him I was apprehensive as I've always opted not to visit family in the chapel of rest (I've never been sure why) but this time I knew I needed to. When we arrived we were warned due to how long it has been we had to expect some changes. When we entered it didn't look like my dad, there was similarities but he looked so different, it really shocked me. I fell to the floor in tears.
Me, my brother and my sister arranged his funeral and it was beautiful. It really was so fitting for a wonderful man.
We still have no answers as to why my dad is no longer with us and its really difficult at the moment. I've taken a 6 month interruption of university, I was 12 weeks away from qualifying as a nurse but I have lost absolutely all confidence in that career, as the first time I've had to put my CPR skills was on my dad and I failed. The paramedics said there was nothing that could have worked as they believed he passed away during the previous night. But I still feel so guilty.
ive barley been able to sleep, I keep getting flashbacks of the event and when I do get some sleep it's usually nightmares. I've trying to hold it together around everyone else as I've been there to support them but when I find night creeping in, and everyone is asleep I fall apart.
The only thing bringing some light at the moment is my son. I feel like a passenger in my own life right now, I have no goals, no productivity and no answers. I just feel so so alone.
Sorry for the long post.