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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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About Elo

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  1. Hello, I am not a widow and hopefully I will not ever be so, but I did know grief when I lost my father. Though this post is about grief inside a marriage or romantic relationship. I'm married and very in love with my husband. I am lucky to be able to say that the feeling is mutual. Though, as all human beings sometimes, I find myself thinking about death on a regular basis. I am actually very aware that I can lose what I have at any moment in life, death can be imprevisible and time goes fast. Unfortunately, I keep coming across stories of people who lost a spouse or a life partner. But often, after some time, those people have found love again. And I realized that my reaction to that had always been an unpleasant tingle inside. It just breaks my heart for the deceased one. And putting myself in the situation, I realized that I wouldn't want my husband to find love again if I died. Not only finding love but also sharing a sexual relationship with somebody. (I also am 100% sure that if he died, I would not ever want to be with anybody else, no matter how young I am). I'm 31 and he's 24. So I feel awful about feeling that way, I know that it's extremely selfish of me, but the idea of him falling in love with someone else breaks my heart. If we would break up, the situation would be different, because it would be a choice of one of us or both to go separate ways. But if death came in between us, that we would both have wanted to stay together and that we loved each other madly, then I'm terrified by the idea of him kinda replacing me with another woman or other women. And yes, no matter what you will say, to me it's "replacing". Because even if he never forgets me, it would be the lips of another woman he would kiss, the body of another woman he would make love to, and another woman that his heart would love. I am profoundly monogamous and if our relationship is monogamous while we are both alive, why should it change after one of our death? My heart, mind and body are all intimately connected to one another, so I don't understand how you would want to "move one" romantically if you still love someone who died. I think that part of what impacts my desire is that I myself can not fathom my love for him ever disappear or dissipate if he died. And if my love for him remains, then I could never get with anybody else, because him dead or alive, I would remain his wife, one man's woman. If I am faithful now, why shouldn't I remain so then? My heart could not open to love someone else the same way that it can't now. It would not even be a choice, and I wouldn't want it any differently. He's the love of my life and that goes beyond death to me. I can't help picturing finding love after the passing of a spouse that we loved, as cheating. I feel like very few people feel the way I do and understand me, I really need an honest response and opinion about my feelings. Though I ask for kindness and understanding. I really ache about feeling that way and the possibility that I could be replaced, and because I feel terrible about myself for being so selfish. Is "Moving on" really the only acceptable, the right thing to do? Is it, at all, acceptable or understandable not to want your loved one to "move on" if you were to die?