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About Itfeelslikeimdying2

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  • Gender
  • Location
    sac, ca
  • Loss Type
    Spouse has cancer


  • Occupation
    his caregiver now
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  • First Name
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  1. Caregiving & Terminal Illness

    I think we absolutely can determine when we die if we set our mind to it we can do nearly anything. When my Spouse was diagnosed life came to a screeching halt it was all about trying to live trying for the best quality possible for as long as possible. Now were doing his hospice he had a painful day could barely stand to get up for the bathroom, after I got him tucked in he told me he was going to die soon, he has been hopeful through all of this and tonight he told me that he would die soon. I'm still crying over it, it just doesn't ever get easier does it?
  2. It hurts him but they hardly even visit they refuse to help at all they do give us money because neither of us can work but I feel like if I can't get away for a couple of hours a week I feel like I'm dying to I have no one to talk to but him and he sleeps mostly I love him so much I want to do this for him I just wish his family would visit him more I know it's hard to see I see it all day 24/7 and when it's all said and done I have to find a way to go on, I don't know I have a hospice volunteer for four house a week and it's helped me stay sane. I have a Friend that is a Caregiver and when I can afford it she only charges us $10 an hour the hospice Nurse found a pharmacy that delivers he has a big family all live close by but when I call they ignore me or refuse TO DO ANYTHING. They stop by with money his sisters send checks his kids come for 15 minutes a month, he perks up so much when they come I stopped asking them for help a ,long time ago but they still wont come. He is by far the kindest man I have ever known so sweet and supportive I know he was a great father some days the only thing that gets me through is knowing that when they carry his body out of our house I never have to see his Family again I'm not going to his funeral I hate them, it used to bother me knowing his kids don't like me but now that I know them I don't care. I get so frustrated and it makes him feel bad I tell him it's not taking care of him that frustrates me and it's not, it's everything else, I don't say anything bad about the family I know it would hurt him I give his Jr money so he will have gas to come. I am as polite as I know how to be I go out and smoke when they visit because they never hide how they feel about me and I want them to visit with him so I go out of my way to make them comfortable. My poor Sweetie he deserves so much better. Our car broke down today it's the transmission, my chest hurts... I've had the breakdown a million times since his diagnoses it doesn't stop the world from turning the sun still comes up but people stop calling, they get tired of hearing about it. I fantasize about running away but then I see the love of my lifes eyes and I'll never do that even if it does kill me. Thanks for letting me vent. Barbara