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About karenlene

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  • Gender
  • Interests
    art and music watching funny/cheesy classic movies, star gazing
  • Loss Type
    My dad

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285 profile views
  1. Got a call that my dad wasn't doing well again and my mom (his ex-wife) said she was going up there to sit with him, i figured id stay home bc my sister was out and wouldnt be back til late and my stapdad was coming in from work which would also be late, and we have a dog and cats that needed to be fed and stuff, but my mom said " karen i think you should go." i was reluctant bc.. im not sure why tbh, maybe my selfishness of just not wanting to go and wanting to stay home along with seeing him like that not hardly waking up and trying to get him to eat and drink and getting hardly any sleep in the combination - but i got ready and we headed on up to the VA and planned to stay. I think i saw some tears in his eyes. i hope not. i really hope it was just like from where you wake up and your eyes are watery, he could barely open his eyes though, but he looked at me when i finally got his attention. i was woken up from the TV being on, and being sore from laying in the reclining chair but im glad i was awake, bc i put the cover over my head to keep the TV from bothering me, and heard my dads breathing which was at 40 breaths a minute all day, stop suddenly. For a split second i thought it might be a sigh or a yawn, but i think knew what it really was - i turned around placed my hand on his arm and i saw my mom standing there on the other side of him and she said his name "Chris?" she held his hand. I said "Dad?" and his eyes were so wide, he hasnt hardly been able to open his eyes the past few weeks and it was weird to see his eyes so large and wide, and he drew in two more breaths and he was gone. all the while i was telling him i love you i love you, over and over because i found out the hearing is the last thing to go, and i said "i love you, i love you so much, you're my favorite" but i love my mom and dad the same so idk why i said that. at that time i think he was already gone. my mom was crying but i didnt, not right away i felt weird and then nauseous, i was by the window and i think i got up at that moment after my mom went to get someone i dont remember much other then i held his hand after he was gone and his eyes closed a little bit, my mom kissed him on the head and i couldnt look at him directly i just said, i love you over and over i couldnt think of anything to say, but i did finally look at him and i stroked his cheek. ive never seen someone die. didnt think id see my dad go. not in 1 million years. but im glad he wasnt alone. i think i got really upset and realized he really was gone when the head nurse came in and he said "Morgue" as in bring him to the morgue at some point. i felt his presence all day, or maybe it was me just missing him, my twin said the same thing that she didn't feel he was truly gone. we knew this was going to happen but.. this is my dad i never actually considered it was going to happen. ive been getting really weak in the knees and arms since his passing. me and my mom didnt hardly speak on the way home but we came in my sister was laying on the loveseat crying and she told me that the social worker informed her of dad's passing thinking she was me. i felt terrible that she had to get the news that way. she even asked me earlier that day "do you think i should come up" i told her i wasn't sure this time, but she tried to reassure me and herself i think that he would pull through like last week. i really just didn't want to bother her happy day with her bf and his daughter. i laid down to sleep but it was hard, didnt seem real, like should i really go to sleep? or what. but i did eventually. i told my sister as soon as i woke up i said " i had a dream about dad" and i told her what it was about, then she said " so did I" so she told me what it was about, but she was dreamt about him before she knew he was gone, this is what she told me. (my sister was at home asleep, and i tried to call her then i think i called my stepdad and idr who else my mom called and.. well anyways, the social worker called her thinking she was me, and my sister thought it was a joke when she said "im so sorry about your dad" and i cant imagine how my twin sister felt, the lady on the phone realized she hadn't gotten the news yet and that she was speaking with the wrong person and even thought she had the wrong family for a moment.) The dream she told me was that she saw him and he was in an old hospital ward, one of the big open dorms, it was dark with high windows and golden sunlight coming through, and our dad was standing tall and proud in his USAF blues looking at her, and he was young again and she said "he looked so handsome" and she told me she was talking to him he was looking at her in a way like "what's wrong?" and there was a door behind him and he kinda nodded at her and he started going to the door she said "dad! where are you going?" and at that point she was woken up by the call. i was really in disbelief when she told me that but i believe her, she wouldnt lie about something like that. ever. i had a dream too but mine was gloomy and this was after i came home to try to sleep, i was in a corner the room was dark and the only light was from a TV coming from a low position, my dad had already passed and he was in a bed, his hair was more grown out and messy. Elvis Presley: Blue Christmas was playing on an old record player and this black cat comes out of nowhere and sits on his chest and brings him back to life he raised his head and looked at me, i think i said "dad!! youre okay!" and he said "hey" and something else but that's all i recall. mine was definitely more of wishful thinking type dream. this morning when i went outside to get some air and to get out of the bathroom because my sis needed to shower, i saw 2 black tiny butterflies fluttering around and coming near me then i looked over towards the backyard woods when 3 or 4 of those large tiger swallowtails fly in my direction they all hovered near me for a bit and then were gone the sun was shining really bright and pretty at that moment. when i went inside it got cloudy. i wonder if it's possible that was him in some way? idk maybe wishful thinking. i miss him, my heart hurts. thanks for reading.
  2. Hello, I am 25 years old, I have a twin sister and our father is 53 and an Air force veteran. Im not sure what all exactly to type here but if its okay ill just type everything that sums it up sorry if i ramble alot. I tried to shorten this the best way possible. my mom and dad are divorced and have been since me and my sis were 9 or 10, but after a few years of bad mouthing each other i guess, they buried the hatchet and became friends and remained friends. my mom remarried and my dad stayed single. When me and my sister were born my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a golf-ball and it would cause him to have grand mal seizures through the years. He was told he had six months to live at the time, but has survived for 25 years since his first diagnosis. He has had five brain operations in order to try and remove the tumor that kept growing back because of the 'roots'. When I was 17, in July of 2008 I believe he had his final surgery and all seemed well after I stayed at his house and watched him regain his speech and motor functions quite rapidly but one morning something was wrong, the night before he began to look like he had a black eye but he was seemingly fine until he didn't want to get out of bed the next morning, so me and my sis called his father who didn't live far away and he was able to rouse my dad and make him stand up. When he stood up he had a mass of blood swelling on the left side of his head that made it look as if he had been in a fight he had a black eye that was swollen shut and a lump on the side of his head at his temple. Since then everything has been a roller coaster of bull that was going downhill for him through the last few years. he has been in and out of care facilities like nursing homes or those places where the resident could go home for a few hours a day by shuttle bus where he could receive 24 hour care. Last year in the summertime 2015, my pawpaw asked me or my sis if we would mind staying at my dads house to help him and stuff and I didn't mind at all, so I went and all seemed fine until that evening around 2 am something woke me up he was out of bed trying to go to the bathroom and couldn't move. This went on for 3 days or so, back and fourth. I would have to wait until morning to get my pawpaw and a neighbor to help lift my dad but until then I would make a bed for him on the floor and try to make him comfortable, he wouldn't let me change his underwear or clean him up. I am 5ft 133 lbs and my dad is 5'8 ish 200 something lbs I couldn't lift him to save my life. He was getting progressively worse hour after hour and after a few back and fourth phone calls from my pawpaw to the VA a nurse came to visit and passed off my dad like everything was just peachy holding his hand asking if he was okay and speaking softly. The following day, two awesome nurses came over and did a full head to toe check on him but I was not allowed to be in the room, only his parents were, and I was told they had discovered that my dad, who had a biopsy a month or so before to check the tumor growth, the wound from the biopsy was covered with a medical patch that was to be changed daily by either a nurse or his mom who is elderly and it wasn't getting done every day - at the time I didnt know it was supposed to be every day- well it wasn't healing right, and left pencil sized hole in his head causing him to catch an infection that is eating his skull and tissue on the brain along with an ever growing tumor that is causing him to lose his basic functions he is now bed ridden and unable to open his eyes, eat or speak this took a few months and the last few days he became comatose. Me and my sister think very highly of our father, and mother. To see him like this breaks my heart into a million pieces, I feel so much regret that I didn't tell him I loved him enough or spent enough time with him since we chose to live with our mom when we were transitioning to high-school, I can still remember the look on his face when we were asked who we wanted to live with and I hesitated, my sister said "mom" and I wanted to stay with both because I love them the same and my dad was staring towards his feet and his expression is burned into my memory I wish I would have chosen him, maybe he would've been okay. A few days ago he lost consciousness and couldn't eat, drink or speak. My pawpaw mentioned to me and my sis a few months ago to 'prepare' but I can't handle this, seeing my once proud father laying in a bed wearing an adult diaper, squirming from time to time like a baby it just makes me wanna scream. i hate to compare him to that or belittle him by saying that, im not trying to. im so lost i don't know what to do i feel so helpless and empty, i love him so much and people keep telling me to pray and i and think, pray for what? your stupid comments? It makes me so angry. this isnt fair he's so nice and doesn't deserve this at all. i havent ever cried this hard in my life i think i got the neighbors attention by accident when i was outside with my dog. i often go outside late at night on the nights that my dog has a late night potty break, and i just stare at the sky and living in the country you can see the stars pretty well. I just wonder and look up, i feel empty when i do not sure if im hoping to find something or what. He doesn't have long. the doctor said maybe hours, or days. I got him to drink some water around 3 am since me and my mom stayed overnight to watch him, and this morning on March 17th 2016 I got him to eat some breakfast because he awoke from the fever and the comatose state but it's a small false sanctuary to see my dad open his eyes. his eyes are glazed over now when he did open them and im not sure he can't see anymore. his left eye *the side of the tumor* is sunken in or swollen shut I cant really tell but it looks to me like his eyes are lazy now probably from the pressure? i don't know. but me and my mom went home and swapped out with my sister who is staying there tonight so I can get some sleep my mom went back up there to help. I feel so weird and sad that im going to lose one of the few people I love. i cant really put into words how i feel, i cant imagine how my mom & sis feels or his parents. i would do almost anything just to hear one of his cheesy jokes again and to sit with him and watch any movie he likes, i hate the andy griffith show but id love to sit and watch it with him and hear him laugh at a punchline as if he hadn't heard it 100 times before, or to receive one of his bear hugs or to hear one of his ridiculous yawns as he crossed his arms for his afternoon nap because the race was too boring. I want him to get ready for a weekend fishing trip, he was always more of a fisherman than a hunter. He hated bow hunting, and believed in using every usable part of the animal when hunting or fishing, he was raised not to waste an animal that you kill. I want him to annoy me or my mom again out of fun, i just want him to be okay, i want my dad back, i want to see him walk through the door and give me his half grin. i want to go to lunch to that place where we ate classic burgers and fries, where they knew our table and names and drink choice, and hear him make his order of "a double cheeseburger with chilly, ketchup and mustard, and coleslaw." i can hear his voice saying it in that pattern. i already miss him so much it hurts