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MissingKBear

Members
  • Content count

    4
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About MissingKBear

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    SoFla
  • Interests
    Animals, board games, ping pong, water sports, being active
  • Loss Type
    Mother
  • Angel Date
    3-12-2015
  1. My mother died a year ago today. I am whittled in grief and guilt nearly every day for not being there to help take care of her or say goodbye. Someone once described out relationship as tumultuous. Often times we reversed roles where I played the parent and she the child. I feel like our relationship was more of a sisterly kind. We were very much alike and fought like siblings. I always expected her and wanted her to be the bigger person - the parent. And that's why I didn't budge in our last (what came to be the very last) quarrel. I felt like she was the parent and therefore was tasked with being the bigger person. She didn't even acknowledge my birthday. What kind of a mother does that? A very sick one. She was so proud for so long and wouldn't accept help. Thought she was too good for rehab. Couldn't find a place for the animals while gone. I didn't answer her calls. I unfriended her on FB so she couldn't see my daughter. I felt like she proved time and time again that she wasn't worthy. I didn't want to put my daughter's life at risk if she were drinking. My daughter didn't even like her at times. She had let her down so many times already that the little girl didn't expect her to show up anymore. I couldn't have that. She deserved better. Then, the part I regret the most - I rarely accepted her calls bc I prefer text. I blocked her from my phone so I didn't have to see her call. I didn't realize I wouldn't receive texts. I just thought they'd be silenced. And she reached out to me. Told me how truly sick she was and that she stopped drinking; was ready to get help. I missed it. I didn't see it until after she passed. She died at 66; I was 36. I was away for vacation. Her friend said she was really sick and in the hospital. But without insurance she frequently used the ER as a default practice anyway. She exaggerated so much and he always gave into it. So I didn't think anything of it. Then the next evening, I received a call from a nurse advising she was to be moved to ICU bc she was having trouble breathing. At that point, I knew it was serious and tried to get a flight home. I couldn't until the next morning. She died while I was on the plane. Her 'friend' didn't even stay with her. He said he'd see after work. He never got the chance and she died alone. Alone. Without her best friend; without her daughter; without me telling her I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness. I really don't even know what I believe about life and death. All I know is the pain and regret I feel so often for so much. She had cirrhosis of the liver and couldn't stop drinking. Thus, if you think about it, she committed suicide. And many times I feel like I let her. I was so angry with her for not doing the (what I thought were simple) few things to stay alive. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She was too proud and too sick. I know I need to forgive myself and I truly hope she knew how much I love her. But I hate not knowing. I miss her so much. No one understood me like she did. I could have helped her. But I didn't. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know. I feel so much at fault and just don't know where to go from here...
  2. My mother died a year ago today. I am whittled in grief and guilt nearly every day for not being there to help take care of her or say goodbye. Someone once described out relationship as tumultuous. Often times we reversed roles where I played the parent and she the child. I feel like our relationship was more of a sisterly kind. We were very much alike and fought like siblings. I always expected her and wanted her to be the bigger person - the parent. And that's why I didn't budge in our last (what came to be the very last) quarrel. I felt like she was the parent and therefore was tasked with being the bigger person. She didn't even acknowledge my birthday. What kind of a mother does that? A very sick one. She was so proud for so long and wouldn't accept help. Thought she was too good for rehab. Couldn't find a place for the animals while gone. I didn't answer her calls. I unfriended her on FB so she couldn't see my daughter. I felt like she proved time and time again that she wasn't worthy. I didn't want to put my daughter's life at risk if she were drinking. My daughter didn't even like her at times. She had let her down so many times already that the little girl didn't expect her to show up anymore. I couldn't have that. She deserved better. Then, the part I regret the most - I rarely accepted her calls bc I prefer text. I blocked her from my phone so I didn't have to see her call. I didn't realize I wouldn't receive texts. I just thought they'd be silenced. And she reached out to me. Told me how truly sick she was and that she stopped drinking; was ready to get help. I missed it. I didn't see it until after she passed. She died at 66; I was 36. I was away for vacation. Her friend said she was really sick and in the hospital. But without insurance she frequently used the ER as a default practice anyway. She exaggerated so much and he always gave into it. So I didn't think anything of it. Then the next evening, I received a call from a nurse advising she was to be moved to ICU bc she was having trouble breathing. At that point, I knew it was serious and tried to get a flight home. I couldn't until the next morning. She died while I was on the plane. Her 'friend' didn't even stay with her. He said he'd see after work. He never got the chance and she died alone. Alone. Without her best friend; without her daughter; without me telling her I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness. I really don't even know what I believe about life and death. All I know is the pain and regret I feel so often for so much. She had cirrhosis of the liver and couldn't stop drinking. Thus, if you think about it, she committed suicide. And many times I feel like I let her. I was so angry with her for not doing the (what I thought were simple) few things to stay alive. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She was too proud and too sick. I know I need to forgive myself and I truly hope she knew how much I love her. But I hate not knowing. I miss her so much. No one understood me like she did. I could have helped her. But I didn't. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know. I feel so much at fault and just don't know where to go from here...
  3. How to forgive an Angel....

    Dear SadeafClover, Thank you for your post. I cannot tell you how much I relate to it. I lost my mother a year ago today and it's been so hard bc we were fighting at the time. She died alone and I never got the chance to say goodbye or tell her I love her. What you said about the alcoholic who doesn't know a healthy relationship and how alike we are resonated so much with me. Im having trouble moving on and forgiving myself. How are you doing? How are you coping? I don't have friends I can really confide in, or at least don't want to. I'm a very private person who doesn't like to show vulnerability. That's probably why I find this appealing. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you and hope you are well. C
  4. How to forgive an Angel....

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