Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited


About mariesgirl1953

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 07/05/1990

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Dublin, Ireland
  • Loss Type
    my mam
  • Angel Date
    October 28 2015

Recent Profile Visitors

1,044 profile views
  1. Hi. It's been 26 months since my beautiful mam suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. To me it still doesn't seem real, I'm still expecting her to walk through the door or call me. I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Tomorrow I am going down to spend time with her since it's her birthday. I am not telling my dad - and my husband agrees. I just want to go and spend time with her - just me and my mam. The way it used to be. I am not close with my dad at all. Tbh itactually sickens me to be around him. I just can't do this anymore with my amazing mam. I miss her so desperately.
  2. On Friday it was a year since my beautiful mam passed away. Friday night I drank, Saturday night I drank, got drunk and last night I went out to my cousins 30th birthday surprise party and got absolutely gee eyed. I was so drunk. Today I am perfect I'm not hung over and plan to do it all again tonight. Once my son is looked after and we talk him trick or treating and he has his bath etc then we'll go out. Anyway, I got a telling off for talking about how I feel. I got told that I don't ask anyone how they are and I do. I always ask. All I want is people to be there for me not to judge me and everybody does. I need to be admitted because I can't deal with this anymore. Apparently I'm selfish. I know I am. No one has any idea how hard this is for me. I'm constantly trying to be there for everyone and then bring told if I break down to get over it. I just want to be with my mam why won't anyone just let me do that.
  3. I can't believe its almost a year already. And what a year its been... This has by far been one of the most toughest and hardest years of my entire life and the worst.... People always say that it will get easier.... Time is a great healer.... Not I'm my world... Not at all.... If anything its gotten harder.... I have given up smoking but in turn I have began taking pills to cope.... I don't know and don't care what they are.... So tomorrow when I drop my son to school I'm going to go and get cigarettes. Call me selfish call me whatever you want to, but this is what I want to do. My husband told me tonight it'd time to get over my mam. That I need to be there for him and our 4 year old son. I'm constantly there for them both. I never do anything for myself. So from now on every night starting tomorrow I'm am going to have a few drinks after I pit my son to bed. Say what you like cause tbh I couldn't care less anymore.... I wish when I took all those pills Sunday that today my funeral had been planned and instead I'm still here.... I just want to die and be with my mam. Its not fair. I have no support from my husband or my dad. My mam was my best friend I could literally talk to her and tell her anything and shed never judge me, all my husband and dad ever seem to do is constantly judge me. They critasize about me smoking. Its my business, if I want to do it I'll do it, and when I want to stop.for good I'll do that too. I don't tell anybody what to do but its like they seem they can tell me what to do. I just want to be with my mam and for everyone to leave me alone. For gods sake if I snap at my husband for something he's say "its healthy, your grieving" he has no idea what I'm going through, everybody greives differently. I'll do what I want - and what I want is to be with my amazing mam
  4. Hi all. So, I went back over to London on Friday and came home yesterday. When I got to Dublin airport, me, my dad and my husband and son went and got a coffee and had a chat. My dad and husband said if I have anything to say "say it now, out straight" I did - but what I didnt do is tell them that I spoke to my cousin yesterday in stansted airport and told her I had come back over to London for 3 days... I asked her to keep it to herself... She said she would. Problem is she is a huge gossip and I'm afraid that if this gets out about me having gone back so soon, my auntie will be so hurt and upset and I don't want that to happen to her. I had a great time when I was with her, but I felt I needed/wanted to go back my myself for a couple more days. Which I done - my dad and husband where very angry but I done what made me happy. I know that sounds awful but I always go out of my way for other people and never ever do anything for myself. I know I basically shot myself in the foot by telling her, but I just felt its better then lying. I'm not a person who lies. And last night me and my husband had a blazing row because I said this to my cousin about having gone back.. I have so much going on at the moment. Losing my precious mam, going through a difficult marriage which I feel trapped in. Last night I was threatened that all the stuff that's in MY house will be taken back out and this house will be a "shell' of what it is now... I know there only empty threats.. But what do I do? My husband phoned my dad at 2:45am!! He rang this morning asking was everything ok and I said "yeah, of course". It feels like I'm being made choose between my husband or my family and that's not one bit fair. But I will always put my family first before any man, I'm sorry- but that's just me... I feel so down and depressed and don't know what to do... On the outside I look and seem fine, but on the inside I'm a total mess and a shell of the person I once was before I lost my beautiful mam...
  5. ***NEED OPINIONS AND ADVICE ASAP*** Hi all. So I just got off the phone (viber) about an hour and a half ago. It was my uncle inviting me back over to London. I desperately want to go. I leave Friday (tomorrow) and I'll be home Monday. I get an early flight home. My husband is on holidays from work until Wednesday. Thing is.... We had Galway planned for Saturday. Now I know from experience that we have this day all planned out and then we'll, end up not going (always happens) personally, I don't see the problem. Ok, I know I only came home Saturday but I'm desperate to go back even if its just for two days... I have the cash all I have to do is change £100 in to € and I can book my flight. My passport is in date and I have spare £ lying around. I know that's Sunday is fathers day, I know... But I feel like I didn't enjoy myself to my full advantage and if and when I go again I will certainly make sure that I do this time. My uncle will meet me in Stansted and it'll be sorted. My husband and dad said that I'm being selfish and I should think of them. I constantly think of them and never do ANYTHING for myself and if I do go ahead and go ament I doing something for myself for once? And this is my LAST holiday for a very very VERY long time. And I can also bring the laptop with me, and get it fixed. So he can stop moaning. I'll never even leave my son for a night again if I go. Its like I'm asking for ******* permission or something. I'm 25 for gods sake and its as if me da and husband have some sort of "hold" over me... Me da said "think of you Marraige." So did my husband. To me that's not fair one bit. Ill be home Monday, we can go out, do something for fathers day, and my husband will get to spend time with me. Sure, didn't he have that chance on Sunday and he stayed in bloody bed!!! Ok, I have to admit. So did I but I was exhausted from all the traveling. I WON'T do it this time 100% I won't. My da said to me on the phone. "Its a bad omen. I'm tellin you" meaning it'll ruin my Merraige. That Merraige is long dead. Long dead. Nothin can fix it now. The husband said he had dinner planned for me on Saturday on our trip for the day. Like I said, I know from experience what is going to happen... They are both trying to guilt trip me. Something my husband is experienced in and as far as my dad. Well..., you all know he takes my husbands side on anything. Now he will moan to the rest of my family about how "selfish" and "inconsistent" I am about going away for two days. He's in work from next Wednesday and he said he'll book holidays off in October. I don't know what's going to happen that far down the line and also October is a bad month for me as it's the first anniversary of my mams passing... So why shouldn't I go now? And you know what? I'm going screw what they think. This Marraige has been gone for ages now and as far as my dad well, he's sided with my husband on absolutely everything so I don't need his opinion on weather I should or shouldn't go. I'm gonna do what makes me happy for once and I'll face the consequences later.... I'll be up early in the morning for a shower, to lodge my money and I'll book my flight. No one is gonna tell me, how to live my life anymore. I give everything and get nothin back, its time to start thinking of my son and myself. My family are gonna be ****** that I've just come home and gone again, but like I have already said. I'll make my own decisions. So am I being unreasonable or fair. In any way, I think I'm being fair - I'll do whatever they want when I come home, I'm only gone for three days... Need opinions and advice ASAP. Thanks
  6. Hi everyone, how is everyone doing? So sorry I haven't been online or posting in so long. But I have read some of your posts. Just havent had the time to reply.. I have just got home from visiting my nucle in South East London on Saturday. Its been a week since I went today. I went for four days - had a great time. My husband has been of work so it was really nice to get away for a break just for myself. (I know that sounds very shelfish ) but seriously I needed the break badly.. I'm desperate to go back though... Really really am... My auntie came with me. It was a surprise for my uncle and he was overjoyed - I mean absolutely overjoyed and I was so happy to see him so happy and his partner. She is so so kind and such a down to earth person, they both are. (My auntie who came with me is my mam's older sister, and we went over to London to see her younger brother, my uncle. He is from Dublin, Ireland but has lived in London 41 years and loves it.) When I was over there - he gave me sound (meaning great; fantastic , ect) advice about my husband... I want to devorice him... I'm not happy at all... But he said (and I agree with him) if they help do this, (devoice him) and I turn around six months to a year or so later and take him back, they will never help me again... That fair imp. Very fair. I didn't really understand what he meant and go v upset but then I asked him again the next night what he went and he said "if we help you, don't throw it back in our faces cause you be on your own" thats fair enough... I won't, I don't have any intentions to do so. Like I have to think about this - make sure it's what I absolutely want 100% like when he asked me was I happy I answered "no" instantly and when he asked me "are you 100% sure" I answered "yeah" immediately. Like, ive been thinking this over & over & over & over... And I'm almost 200% sure its what I really do want.... But.... I'm afraid of the repacussioms... Like,, if I do this, and then a week later realize Ive made a terrible mistake what do I do? Like I'll be in **** basically... Uuugh I'm so stressed!!!! My auntie has given me sound advice also... I usually go over to her house every second week and stay over. And we chat. But what I tend to do is moan about himself and when I am given advice on what to do - I do the opposite... I know, its not worth there time or effort talking to me at all.... But there the only people (family I have left) like I used to talk to my mam about absolutely everything, and she would give me great advice BUT she would go and speak to my husband where as my family can't. They'll be told by him that "there interfering* which is a load of b/s but that's what they will be told... *sigh* ugh I don't know what to do... My family come first before my husband... I know that sounds awful.. But I can't and WILL NOT choose my husband over my family. He is controlling mentally. When I came home is said "what where you taking about, where you talking about me"? "Don't be letting them fill your head with ****" I answered "yeah, we were talking about you, about how much you work" even when I booked the holiday he even had the nerve to say he'll "go over" with our son and stay in a hotel! Obviously it was so he could go and drink as usual. Like for instance, I cleaned the house from top to bottom this afternoon when I collected my son from playschool and he was still in bed! Eventually... He got up and helped me.. When I was nearly done! Like, I know my family are sick of listening to the same crap week in, week out about my problems... But... I don't have my dad... so do I have? No one, but them. And if I loose them I may as well just start writing out my will now because that's how I feel... I sent my uncle a message about coming back over and bringing my laptop so he can fix it... Haven't heard anything back as of yet... I think I'm being a bit paranoid but thats just me, I overthink EVERYTHING to the extreme and I mean extreme... I'm worried and scared there p***** off at me.. But why would/should they be right? I dunno... I'll wait a few more days and see... Like he rang me when I got home and asked how I was doing and if I enjoyed my stay so he can't be angry right?? Also with the laptop, my husband keeps saying he bring it down to someone in the pub (where he works) 11 months later and I'm still waiting and if I get it currioured over to London it will cost me at least €200 or more when it would make more sense to fly over again for a few days... I'm just waiting to hear back from him (my uncle) Please could someone give me advice on what to do, or am I overthinking things as usual, thanks
  7. don't know what to do..

    Sorry, forgot to mention my husband also called me some nasty names which I can't mention on here... But when he did call me the "C" word my dad just stood there and let him do it. And he is very loose with that perticular word. Doesn't care who he offends by saying it. And he also uses it openly around my son who is 4. He said I'm as good as a dried up old...... (I think you get the picture) and talking to me is like talking to a ------- brick wall. Again my dad didn't flinch. He said my husband is right!! My mam absolutely DETESTED that foul word. And I don't blame her. Its the most degrading word that a man can say to a woman. And even worse coming out of a Womans mouth. It's pure and utter filth. I really don't know what to do..... I just wanna be with my incredible mam... I want her back
  8. These last few days/weeks have been extremely hard for me. My husband doesn't seem to care at all about what I'm going through and my dad has completely cut me off. Yesterday morning, I was getting my son ready for playschool and because I was still getting both of us ready at 8:50am (he started school at 9am) my husband said that I was a horrible mother. "If it was me getting him ready, he would already be dropped off at school by now" these comments are so hurtful. My beautiful mam passed away suddenly 6 months ago and my husband doesn't care one bit. My dad constantly sides with him over everything. He even said my mam would hate me for the way I'm acting and she would be so disappointed in me... That really hurt me. My husband rang him behind my back yesterday hurling abuse down the phone to my dad ( I know this because he told me) out of the blue, my dad rang me and said "I'm breaking his heart, and don't end you marriage, think of what it will do to me" (my dad) of course I'm thinking of my son in all of this. I'm just so broken... My mam always was a fantastic medieator and she took a calm approach to sorting situations. Something I can't do. My dad is totally against me and is siding with my husband... Me and my dad where never really close. Its me and my mam who have an unbreakable bond. Now he won't even answer my calls.... I really thought he would be there for me and I don't even have his or my husbands support .. I don't know what to do.... Maybe if I just take some pills I can be with my beautiful mam... I can't do this anymore... Not without her... I miss her so much.... I want her back... Nothin will ever be the same again
  9. My beautiful, amazing kind hearted, joyful, bubbly mam *passed away* on October 28 last year. It will be six months on Thursday and I still cant believe its actually happened/happening.... I'll do absolutely anything to have her back, be with her or go back and change things. I know myself I haven't even begun to accept her *death* to me she is in the grand canyon in utah the place she visited with my dad and she absolutely loved it beyond words. I'll do absolutely anything to have my beautiful coreagous mam back I miss her beyond life itself and can bearly function through out the days.. I need her back to tell her how much I adore, love and miss her. When my son does be in bed I sit and watch tv trying desperately to avoid the reality of this heart wrenching situation. My dad has her wedding & engagement ring. Since I'm an only child I think [and everyone in my family has said this too] that I should at least have her engagement ring. But my dad says its all he has left of her.... That's not 1 bit true he has so much stuff belonging to her, experience jewelry etc that he won't show me. All I want is one of her rings to wear around my neck on a chain.... He also has all of her money etc [that part doesn't bother me at all] im not interested in the money just how my dad is acting... I also know he is grieving but he told me he's gotten over my mam [his wife of 26 years!] And he's gotten over her!! He constantly gives out about her to friends etc that she never helped herself.. That's a LIE I saw how much pain she was in and she's under top consultants and I have also been to appointments with her. Including my dad. So I don't know what the **** he is talking about. I always made sure she was ok and of I had have been there I know 2000% she'll be still here today... I love and miss her beyond words... I just want her back... I want to die and be with her.. I really really really do.
  10. don't want and can't 'let go'

  11. I can't do this anymore... Everything is such a mess. I struggle through each and every day without my beloved mam. I have gone to two mediums to see if that would help. It hasn't but at least I got to hear from my beautiful mam and know she happy where she is. The only thing I'm greatfull for is that she is no longer in pain or suffering endlessly from her awful battle with severe rheumatoid arthritis. God love her it was terribe on her - days where she couldn't walk and would have NO CHOICE but to stay in bed for the heat. Ill do anything to have her back. I just can't get that devastating call out of my head when my dad told me 'mammys dead' and then crying. All I remember is running uonto my bedroom to get dressed, collapseing to the floor and screaming 'no' my husband replied 'shhh, don't wake fi**an' I'll never forget it as long as I live. I can't cry, can't sleep, can't eat... The only thing I can do is clean an already spotless house, shower, do laundry, put that away, and take care of my son,eg: bath him and cook for him. I don't care about myself other then personal hygiene obviously. Some days its even a overwhelming task to wash or shower. Some days I don't even get dressed. (My pajamys are changed daily though) as are my sons if he is dressed I get dressed and we go out... But it mainly to the shops or town and back then its straight into fresh pajamas for both of us. I cook for him but not for me. I usually just survive on coffee, cigarettes and a bit of whatever. Chocolate pasta anything convientant. I miss my mam so dearly. My dad never calls to see how I am. I always ring him always.. He has also done things there aren't forgiveable. He took money off my mam's estranged sister (no one in the family talks to her) and paid for my mam's funeral with that!!! I'll never ever forgive him for it. Never. I haven't confronted him over it yet. But when I do I'll let him know what I fucking think of him. I can't grieve because I'm afraid if I do, I'll end up in a but house. I can feel it slowly happening... The anti depressants I am on don't help one bit so I am not taking them anymore. Ever since my mam died I have constantly been with my son, as my husband works. He has two days off but he treats that as HIS time to catch up on sleep or whatever he needs to do. He also drinks a lot. I don't want to be putting pressure on my family etc to be there for me. Its not fair on them. They have there own children and lives to worry about. My dad also gave my mam's handbag away to his sister who I hardly know!, I asked him for it just after my mam died and he said he wanted to keep it and the he gives it to a sister he hardly even knows??? Then to top everything he said instead of buying flowers for my mam's grave he'll just did through the bin where people throw dead flowers and get some out of there!!! I actually can't believe that! My husband told me that my dad told him that and I fully believe him. My dad is as mean as cat shite as my mam always said to him. Like 3 or 4 euros is two much for flowers for him! Gimme a break I was going to get some specially made for her and he didn't want me to - now I know why... He says they die too quickly and don't last long. Why should that matter?,I don't cafe if they last a DAY I'm getting MY mam flowers no matter what he says
  12. Loss of a parent - daily thread

    Silverkitties I hope you are ok x Today for me is just dragging, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything other then shower (which I have done) bathe my son and cook him dinner (both done) and change the bed (done) the washing is done and the house is clean. Other than that (like cook for myself) I don't give a ****. Whatever I'll just survive on coffee maybe a bit of deli pasta and of course my beloved cigarettes. My dad is really irritating me lately, theres just ONE day on the 6th of June. I'm doing the mini marathon with the girls (3 of my cousins) its just ONE day the whole day. We'll do the marathon then more than likely go for food afterwards. My dad said he'd mind my son, now he's saying ask O*** as HE might have something on!!! I asked him months ago and he agreed. Its only ONE fuckin day, is it really THAT big of a deal and note that everything had been organized and is paid for. So why should I pull out now??? (PS. My mam's friends suffers a lot with her health ect so it wouldn't be fair to ask her to mind my son) if my husband isn't working than that's fine, he can look after him. But should I really pull out to suit everyone else. I'm sorry but no. I'm doing the marathon for my mam in aid of arthritis Ireland. So I'm not going to pull out to suit everyone. My dad can fucking like it or lump it. I don't care anymore. He has a bloody opinion on EVERYTHING I do. Even smoking... Can't he just keep his bloody mouth shut??? Isn't it better than drugs or alcohol? If he wants me to stop that's what's I'll turn to. So I'm not going to stop to suit HIM. I'm just so angry at him. If he had have let me go down to my mam's house on that faithful Sunday October 25 2015 then maybe my beautiful mam would still be here today... I'm heartbroken without her... I just want her back... I don't want to go on anymore.... I'm a fucking mess. I have stopped taking the anti depressants as they give me a severe headache and I'll need to be taking my son to school from Monday so they are out of the question... The sleeping tablets.... I think I'll take my 1st full on tonight (I was only taking half since Thursday) and see how that goes... Won't be taking any from tomorrow though.... I dont jnow!, what should I do??
  13. Loss of a parent - daily thread

    Don't know weather or not to post this. But these are all the cuts I have given myself. Some have faded - some are fresh...
  14. Loss of a parent - daily thread

    Your very welcome. Thank you