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About laura-445

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  1. Eve, silverkitties, MSN - thank you for your kind words and support. It has really helped me this week to read your supportive messages, it reminds me that my experiences are real and that I need to give myself a break, since I'm coming from a more painful place than most of my classmates. Just keeping going every day is a triumph. I'm in the middle of a busy, busy week, and starting to feel a little less panicky about the academic year ahead. I think I can do it, and it'll give me so much confidence overcoming this last hurdle of the challenge that university has been for me. MSN - thank you. I'm reminding myself every day that if I didn't have my boyfriend, I'd be fine because I'm okay by myself and don't need another person to complete me. It's so hard to maintain the feeling of independence when you get used to having someone around. I also know how it feels to be lonely, even though I'm constantly surrounded by people. But loneliness can be a good thing sometimes, I think. It's good to have space and to be with yourself. I have been trying to learn to be a good friend to myself. Sometimes when I feel like I'm pathetic and shouldn't feel the way I do, I think about what I'd say to a friend in my position. I think we'd all be kinder to ourselves if we could see the way we self-talk from the outside. I clean too - it helps me feel like I'm on top of things and it's therapeutic somehow. It can backfire though - I feel quite anxious and unpleasant in places that aren't clean and tidy. I wonder if maybe because my Mum was always cleaning... I don't know. Maybe that's why I like to do it, or maybe she just instilled in me a hatred of untidiness!! Eve - I understand how you feel about your doggy! I have a dog, Tess, back at my Dad's (400 miles South) and she's 13. I know she won't be around much longer and that's scary - again, it's another loss. She was always at home with Mum when the rest of us were out - I wish I could get to Tess's memories of Mum. She must have seen and heard a lot that was more private than what Mum ever let me see and hear. It's great to have a pet to find comfort in silverkitties - I hope things get better with your Dad you are all right, in that men can be insufferable when it comes to your feelings. I put it down to the way that most cultures teach men that feeling is bad and that they should be tough. Unfortunately, that doesn't work out so well for either of the sexes. Men can be very selfish (of course, so can women, but the way we are brought up... we all turn out differently, I think). I like to think that every time I can turn the other cheek when my Dad is getting to me, and forgive him, makes me a better person. And being a better person is a worthy goal, I think. Kirsten - please look after yourself! You deserve to be taken care of, and unfortunately for us we have to do that ourselves now we don't have our Mums. Be kind to yourself - I hate to read that you've been hurting yourself. I've been there too, a little, so I understand how it helps, but it's not the only way - you can do other things which won't hurt you. Screaming into a pillow, or punching it, sounds like such a cliche but it really works. But mostly, when you need to talk and vent your frustration, getting it all out here seems like a great idea. Each day you keep going is an achievement, so just take it one by one. The grief never goes away but you assimilate it into your life and learn to be happy again - you will be happy again! Love to all of you, I'm thinking of you tonight. Laura xxx
  2. Hi everyone, thank you for your kind words. I have just started back at university this week and it's already stressful as anything, but I think it'll get better next week. I feel strangely more positive than this time last week, maybe because although I'm stressed I at least have something to focus on now and a challenge to show myself that I can cope with things. My best friend is moving away on Sunday - we've been living together for two years and since we both moved to Glasgow at the same time have become incredibly close in that time. I don't have any friends here nearly as close as her. I've also got a boyfriend, but I've only been seeing him for 3 months and my track record with relationships is that they tend to be very short and end abruptly. I'm terrified that all I'll have when my friend leaves is him, and if we break up I'll be alone. How do you guys (maybe those who, like me, have had a year or so distance between now and our loss) cope with other losses, or the fear of loss? Forging new relationships? I find it really hard. It feels like such a risk. Even pretty small disappointments and disruptions can feel really devastating and I feel like my ability to cope with loss is nonexistent, which is maybe the opposite of what might seem logical. To those of you having trouble with your families, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be on top of everything else. People never seem to understand that it's the little everyday things that become so hard when you're coping with loss. I'm sending my love to you all and hoping you have a brighter day tomorrow, and the next day too. I'm now going out into the dreary Glasgow rain to buy some groceries. Lots of love, Laura xxxx
  3. HI everyone, I'm new here. My Mum died three years ago and I've never spoken to a grief counsellor about it, or anyone who has also gone through a similar experience. I was 19 at the time. I just feel really alone and I just want to hear that someone out there understands my pain a little bit. I feel so isolated. Please say hello to me Laura x
  4. Thanks Kirsten, it is comforting to know I'm not the only person going through this, although I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling. When I was two and a half months in, I think I felt similarly. I didn't want to do anything - every small task felt like a mountain to climb, but I didn't know what else to do but carry on doing daily chores. I was afraid of people, because I felt like a freak, and their sorriness for me just made me angry and awkward - it feels so ridiculous to have to be polite and grateful to people just because they baked you something or said they were sorry for their loss, when that took them nothing, no effort, no disruption, they get to go back to their normal lives and you are still there with the huge weight of what you've got to deal with. I hated everyone, for a little while. I hope you don't make the mistakes I've made, although I've done okay all things considered. If I could go back a couple of years I would have given myself longer to grieve. I would have resisted the urge to jump into things and become so busy I didn't have time to think about my Mum. I would have tried not to put my grief into a little box and bury it deep inside where I now feel like I've lost it. You really really need to grieve, whatever that means for you. I've realised that a little late, and now I'm trying to find my way back to where I stopped and do some more grieving, because I think I need to. I can relate to growing up very suddenly. I was 19 and a baby, I'd never experienced adversity. After Mum died that changed completely and I found it hard to be around my friends because what they cared about was just so inconsequential. It's really hard to feel like I've lost my connection with people because of my experience, but I have found new friends now, who are compatible with the person I've become. I've started dating someone who is ten years older than me, but we feel perfectly matched in maturity, because I'm older than my years emotionally. So good things have happened to me, too. I have a beautiful goddaughter, born just after Mum died, and when I graduate I want to spend more time with her. Good things will start happening to you, and slowly you will be able to feel happiness again, I promise. I never thought I would, and it has been returning in little flashes. It's still really hard. For me it has become a bizarre state where I have an exterior life, which I do experience and get pleasure from, but is separated slightly from my interior life, where I am increasingly plagued with anxiety, fear, a sense of failure and inadequacy, and of course guilt. Just now I had a moment where I truly missed my Mum. I had that mummy-missy-feeling which I haven't had in a long long time, and I've been searching for inside myself (I knew it was there somewhere). Thanks for helping me find it. Please let me know how you're doing. Lots of love Laura
  5. Hi, I see this was posted a while ago but I thought I would reply. I lost my Mum in a motorbike accident when I was 19. I'm now 22. One of the hardest things as I grow up is finding things I wish I could thank her for, questions I'll never get to ask her, things I can't ever tell her about and get her opinion on. I've also found it hard to grieve - if I try to think about my Mum it's like there's a deflecting shield around her in my head and my thoughts just bounce off somewhere else. I seem unable to think about her or be sad about her directly, but I feel a constant anxiety and am totally unable to cope with stress. I feel like I cry about everything except my Mum. You aren't alone xxx
  6. Hi all. My mum died three years ago on holiday with my Dad. She was on the back of his motorbike. My dad was unscathed when they had a crash, but my Mum died... I still don't know exactly what happened. I took a few months off university but got a job and kept incredibly busy for the past three years. I find myself constantly gripped by anxiety now, and have never regained the confidence I had before Mum died. I feel like life was going so well and then I was cheated - I can't cope with stress at all anymore, so I don't push myself and hesitate to do anything new for fear of being overwhelmed. I feel like a weak, damaged person and I'm so jealous of all the successful, bright young people I see around me - I want them to know I'd be like them too if I hadn't been through what I have. I don't know if I will be this way forever, or if I can get rid of the constant anxiety and fear of imminent catastrophe. I just wanted to start a conversation to see if there is anyone out there who feels this way too. I've never another woman who has lost their Mum suddenly in their teenage years.